The Prophet And The Reacharound

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Chris. Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan with Conan and special guest Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon's joining us today. Chris, how are you? I'm doing well. Yourself? Oh, great. We're doing okay. Where are you coming to us from, Chris? The Dirty Tee, Tucktown, Tucson, Arizona. nice all right wow i was gonna say tijuana i know uh and uh tell us a little bit about yourself i just have a little scrap of paper here that says that you are a this is impressive you're a luchador is that right you're a wrestler yeah i've been in the wrestling business for 27 years now okay this is incredible and you wrestle yourself do you have a he wrestles himself yeah well we've all done that what's that all about that's not very fair there's a fix in he always throws it to himself christopher uh you have a character right when you're wrestling yeah i'm fully masked i have a character named the prophet the prophet that's a great name it's a great name it's a great name for a wrestler and do we have a photograph i think we have a photograph of you oh my god Look at this. Look at that. Wow. That is impressive. So. Thank you. You are the prophet. Tell us when you're in character as the, these are great. Jeez, look at this. Tell us a little bit about this character, the prophet. Are you someone who believes he's a prophet or is your character really a prophet? Does he have magical powers? Can he see the future? It's more of a mystique type thing. A very quiet, just straight to the point. I get in the ring and do my job and just represent myself that way. Do you have a signature move you do, Chris? It's called the prophecy. Oh, what does that involve? Yeah, tell us about the prophecy. That sounds great. So the signature move is called the prophecy. And at some point during your battle, you say, now it's time for the prophecy. And then what do you do? So I hook their arm over mine. I pick them up sideways like a body slam. I swing their body out and sit down and slam it. My God. That's so prophetic. You know what? Can I say something? That's so prophetic, man. Can I say something? That is a greater prophecy than anything I've read in the Old or New Testament. And I think if those were the prophecies, people would really pay attention. There'd be much more religion in the world. Yeah. That's very impressive. Thank you. You have to be an amazing athlete to be a wrestler and to do it at the level that you've been doing it at for so long. Have you had some bad injuries? Tell us about that. I think I've been pretty fortunate. But around 10 years in, I did break my elbow. I had to get surgery on that. But the weirdest thing that happened to me is I came down with a condition called rhabdomyolysis. and that's basically where my muscles were breaking down and being filtered through my kidneys so my urine was black and that's bad no no no no no no not yet hear him out uh chris get to the bad part yeah get to the part where it's really i mean i don't think it's someone there's not a person here who's not peeing some black urine right now but wait a minute why did this happen? Why? What is it about this condition? It breaks down your muscles and then converts it into a thick sludge that you then pee out. When you're you do that while you're standing on the ropes in the corner, that's a kind of a defense, like an oil. It's like it. You know, you should have done, Chris. You should have called your character. You should have called your character the squid. And just whenever you're about to lose, you shoot out this black stream. And your opponent is immediately immobilized. How many costumes do you have, Chris? Probably around 15. Okay. Do you have one for more of like a formal fight? Or is it... They're all the same, just different colors. Before we... I want to show some empathy here. Kevin, just stop for a second. I'm loving it. Yeah, I know you're loving it, but I wanted to make sure, Chris, how did you get rid of this terrible disease? And are you cured now? And then we'll get on to all the bits about, have you got a cummerbund? You know. So basically. Do you ever wear a carnation? What happened to this disease? They needed to flush my system out. So I was in the hospital for a week on an IV. That was all I was doing. Right. So it was, for me, a vacation. Okay. It's always a vacation when you can just squirt out some black urine in a hospital. So then you recovered and the disease does not continue once it's flushed out. Is that correct? I haven't got it again, but I'll honestly say I don't think I was ever 100% after that. Oh. It kind of looks like you have black pee coming out of your ears right now from those wires. Oh, those are headphones, Kevin. I'm talking about the wires. Yeah, I know. Chris, let's get back to the comfort zone. Yeah. Hey, Chris, I'm sorry that I asked you momentarily about your health. on that question. I'm really sorry about it. So yeah, so you went, we, it was all black. Hey, what do you wear, a tuxedo in the ring ever? You got a lot of fans? You got a lot of fans, Chris? What's your fan base? Tucson, Tucson, Arizona. I built a pretty good following here We do regular shows at the Rialto Theater downtown Hey are you a good guy or a bad guy Are you the heel or are you the hero So I been the hero for the majority of my career But two years ago, I turned heel and had a little feud with another wrestler. That was the last time I wrestled. I haven't had a match in two years. Okay. Who's your arch enemy? Did you have a nemesis, someone who the prophet always hated, you know, the cummerbund or whatever the other guy was? Well, the coolest thing I've done storyline-wise was I had a feud against myself, the false prophet. Oh, wow. That's a great idea. Yeah, we stretched it out for a year, year and a half. We had a series of matches, and we were playing tricks, you know, look over here while he's over there, and vice versa. So it was fun. But wait a minute. Did you play both characters? So I had one of my original trainees became my disciple, basically. that's a great idea it's pretty the false prophet is a terrific and with the false prophet try to do the prophecy on you yes i knew it as agile as me so we're able to do each other's moves now if you each did the prophecy to each other was it one of those things where it cancels out and there's like a bright flash yeah black hole yeah these are good questions kevin i'm sorry Oh, this isn't sticky enough for my partner here. Can I get into it with like a real question? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Yeah. Chris, you grew up as a Mormon, correct? I did. And did you watch wrestling growing up? Not till teenage years. Do you think the fact that you grew up in the Mormon faith steered you towards more of a religious character? That did. But the other factor was the 3-6 Mafia because their record label was called Prophet Entertainment. me. Tell me about Three Six Mafia. You're going crazy here. A famous hip hop group, rap group from the 90s and 2000s. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and so you were a fan of their music and then you saw that their record label was The Prophet or The Prophecy? It was Prophet Entertainment. Nice. So I kind of ripped that off. We don't rip it off. You say, I was influenced. I paid homage. I was inspired. I'm trying to protect you from legal action. Chris, you haven't wrestled in two years, right? Yeah, it's just really hard on my body these days, just trying to take it easy. Yeah. How do you stay busy? Well, with the wrestling business, besides doing that, I also rent rings and get books for festivals. And I'm also in the food world, too, trying to start a food trailer. Oh, tell us about that. So I love Mexican food, and I worked in a restaurant for a few years, and I just came up with an Aguas Frescas drink line. so I want to start selling Albus Fresca but I want to call it Lucha Fresca Fight Fresh Nice I like hey wait that's a good idea I would drink Lucha Fresca I could do an ad for you um no you know I would do I would be a and I know that you'll do an ad for anyone I'll do anything for anybody you know the thing about drinks what are they is this water or is it they're made out of water with the ingredient and then sugar. Those are always healthy. I think a lot of times when you're selling a product, it's really the packaging that sells it. If you see these Topo Chico bottles, they look so refreshing. A little condensation on them and cold bottle. What's your packaging looks like, Chris? That's not about the packaging at all. I'm talking to Chris. That's just a cold bottle. Any cold bottle has condensation on it. Chris, I'm sorry. How do you give the company credit for it being cold? You're our guest. That doesn't make any sense at all. You know, I love the new Ford Fiesta. Oh, what do you like about it? It's got some dew on it. Chris, if you want to call me later. Oh, yeah, it's been outside and we're in Portland. Yeah, that's what I like about it. It's just nice when it has that dew, that dewy look. Does it make you feel good to do that? It did. Does it make you feel good to pounce on people? I crushed you. Chris, you can call me later. We'll talk about it. Okay. Chris, I like this idea. I like this idea. And what are you doing to make this? What kind of packaging are you putting on there? So I do have clear bottles. They're very sleek. And I do have a logo already. I might modify it. But I was just at a pop-up market this weekend. And I sold at least 15 bottles there. So that's my start. Okay. And do they have each one? Is it coming different flavors? Yeah. My main flavors right now is Jamaica and Tamarindo. My favorite flavors, by the way. Those are, I mean, this sounds promising. I think you might be onto something. Do you have any big money backers behind you? Have you taken it on Shark Tank? Would you take it on Shark Tank? I don't know. I mean, it's been done before. Always Frescas exist, but maybe the way the packaging and the marketing might sell more than the other brands. I like the idea of Lucha Fresca. I think that's great. I like the name. It's a great name. Do you speak Spanish, Chris? I do. I've been practicing for like four years now on Duolingo, but I'm still not fluent. But that Lucha Fresca, man, that comes out nice. What are you talking about? It comes out nice. the way he says it oh the way he says it it also comes out nice you're just so so that's a strange man so you haven't wrestled do you think you're done wrestling your wrestling day's over it sounds to me like if you've done if you haven't wrestled in two years maybe that's it no comeback i'm not retired, pretty much in the wrestling business. Even if you retire, you don because you always get sucked back in But I have a wrestling ring I still train and stuff like that So I trying to just teach the new people Chris I hate to make this about me but I a number of years ago did a show that I was very proud of in Mexico City Does it have a pony in it? What? Was there a pony in it? Why would there be a pony in it? Because it was a show in Mexico. Yeah? What's the connection? You don't travel much, do you? bringing up Tijuana again, huh? Just call an ambulance. I'm sorry, I'm in a donkey. I'm in a donkey. Call an ambulance. Chris is dying, man. Chris is loving this. You said pony instead of donkey. Hey, I really don't get out much. I don't get out much. Kevin, I don't get out much. So I didn't know that ponies in Mexico City are synonymous. He meant donkey. He meant donkey. He got it. He got it. Hey, Mexico City, did you have a stapler when you went? Stapler? I don't have a stapler. Hey, do your bit. You know, Mexico City. He's doing his bit. Oh my God. He's doing the bit. Yeah, yeah. You're doing that comedy thing. Look at Conan doing his comedy thing. Hey. He's doing a bit off of a bit now. Bit off a bit is just as legitimate as any bit. Hey, Christopher, I did this bunch of shows in Mexico City. I'm very proud of those shows. One of the things I wanted to ask you was, did you see my luchador segment? I actually went into a ring in Mexico City and I had my own luchador character that I dressed up as. anyone can see this as they go on, what's it called? YouTube. I can pull it up now. There it is. The crazy rooster. I was the crazy rooster. There I am. I got a local. I wrestled. What did you, have you, A, are you familiar with that segment? And B, how do you think I did? Yeah, I've seen it multiple times. I love all your travel shows and that episode means a lot to me. Okay. Have you seen any of my stuff, Chris? In Mexico? No. It's all about Conan. we'll get through this, Chris, just hang in there. Well, what did you think of my wrestling moves? Be honest. Yeah, I was, you're, I will say you are athletic and I know you have all this energy, so you pulled it off very well. And one of the guys in the ring with you is a former champion of mine. Oh, wow. Okay. So you actually, do you know where I was in Mexico city? Do you know the, the, the gym I was in? No, I don't. Okay. It was just a gym. Um, okay. Uh, yeah, I think if I had to really wrestle, I'd be killed almost instantly. You'd be broken in half. Everyone was going very easy on me because they knew, oh, here's the comedian. We got to go easy on him. I have a lot of respect for what you do. And I think I'd have died within seconds of me entering. I think before I entered the ring, I would have died. Oh, yeah. You know. I went to one of these wrestling matches a couple of years ago in New Jersey, whatever that big stadium is. And it was packed. It was like a Super Bowl. It's huge. And the ring in the bottom, when John Cena came out, people going crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I never knew it was that big. I did know it was that big. It's been big for a long, I'm sorry. No, because I like to read. Sure. Okay. Well, I also enjoy a book every now and then, but I've known for a while that wrestling is massive. So, I'm glad that you've caught up to what's happening. You know, everything's massive. I just didn't know it. Uh-huh. Because I live in my small world of knowledge. Okay. Chris. Chris, I'm sorry. We're back to you. Yeah, back to you. Enough about Conan. And his career. But I'm impressed that you keep coming up with new ideas. You're trying new stuff. I mean, that's the game. We've all got to keep going. We got to keep trying things. And so I root for you. I do root for you and this Lucha Fresca drink. I think it sounds great. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah. Everything I do to this day is basically out of necessity to get me to the next spot in life where I'm trying to go. So I've learned how to weld just to build rings and learn how to cook to sell it to make money and stuff like that. Who do you like? Who's your favorite wrestler? Probably Mick Foley and Ray Mysterio Jr. What did you like about them particularly? Mick Foley is the hardcore legend. He just gives up his whole body to the business and just does everything he has to do to make an impact. Mysterio is the biggest influence for me because I started becoming a luchador. Inspired by what he could do. And that made me think, well, can I do it? So 27 years later, the answer is yes. Isn't that, it's funny, you're talking about wrestling. It's really the same with comedy. we grow up seeing people and you identify people that you want to emulate them. You had that, right, Kevin? Yeah, everybody does. Who did you have growing up? Mine were three people. One was Chris, actually. Besides Chris, yeah. No, it was Andy Kaufman, Albert Brooks and Steve Martin. And you? You never really did stand-up, though. No, I never did stand-up. But you did monologues on your shows. Yeah. that's good a little put down before he's amazing did you feel comfortable doing those monologues yeah I did really yeah just cold talent I well Chris is watching this like watching his parents fight yeah I'm sorry about this Chris yeah I had the same thing it was Steve Martin and I mean also Albert Brooks I mean watching his films watching the stuff that he would do on the Tonight Show that really inspired inspired me, this conceptual comedy, that blew me away. And of course, Python, when Python finally showed up on my television that blew my mind SCTV Well I was basically just asking about comics but okay Okay well let keep it to that narrow I don't really want a history of comedy. I forgot how narrow you were. I'm sorry. I don't really want a history of comedy. No, no. I like, you know, I'm Monty Python, and I like, you know, I like all the shows. A little bit off a bit. A little bit off a bit. Look at him, you're running away now. Oh, yeah, I do like a lot of that. A little bit off a bit. We criticize what we are. uh okay well listen um Christopher it's very unusual I've never had Kevin here when I talked to a fan and we've tried this once we won't do it again uh not with Tonin anyway it's just gonna be Kevin from now on but I understand you might have a question is that right if you were a tag team you and Kevin what would be your characters or your name that's interesting. So we're a team. The amoebas. Because we're kind of, right? Yeah, we're very similar. And then we could be amoebas where we have to, we enter the ring together, sort of enmeshed together. And then we split apart one fight and then that has to. I got a better idea. Wait, are you saying I shouldn't have run with this idea? I got a better idea. Let's be amoebas. The Siamese twins. we fight in one costume wait so we're both in one costume and so the other one just doesn't do anything well one of only one can fight at a time and the other is just is just sitting there no they both fight the same time we both fight it's much better if we're attached but when i'm fighting chris you're just doing nothing but looking around as always and yeah and yeah you're just inert and then when I tag you, you switch and I swing to the rear and now I'm behind you and I'm looking at the crowd and I'm a nerd. What move is that called, Chris? What we call that move? The little reach around? Yeah, it's called the reach around. Yeah, it's called the old reach around. That sounds like a good idea. Yeah. Hey, look, they're doing the reach around. Conan and Kevin are doing the reach around. You guys would just be, you guys would die instantly. I think you're right. They would die instantly. The moment that you walk into the ring, everybody would hate you. They would hate us. Because you guys would be doing so many bits. We'd be doing bits in the ring. We'd be arguing and doing bits. And then whichever one wasn't wrestling, the other's just hanging off his back. On the phone. On the phone and doing bits. Yeah. On the phone buying stuff. The most hated duo in all of wrestling. Yeah. Everyone hates you guys so much. as we're coming out of the walkway. You got to admit, we would be hated. We would be good heels. But that's good to be hated in the ring, right? If you get a lot of hate coming at you, that's a good- Yeah, you're doing your job. You're doing your job properly. That's like Conan here. Okay. He's doing a good job, by the way. No, you're not cool. Just not cool. Chris, what are you doing tonight? I'm going to record drums with my band. Oh, tell us about your band. I'm in a punk rock band here in Tucson called Planet Strict 9, PS9. That is great. And so you play drums? I'm the drummer, and we're going to put out a record pretty soon. I just recorded like 20 tracks. Is it kind of like thrash metal? What are we talking? How hardcore is this? It's kind of like Bad Religion and those type of punk bands, Bouncing Souls. Yep. where do you perform? The Rialto Theater sometimes. One anyone tool here. We usually go to Bisbee, Arizona. That's where the band originally was from. Chris, is it a music we could dance to? You could get down to that, but you might get hit in the face. I'm about to hit him in the face. He's going to get hit in the face. It won't have anything to do with your music. No, I like to go to the Rialto and dance. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Oh my God. If you guys were a tag team, you would fight each other more than you would fight the other people. Yeah, the wrestler would just be like, wait, what's going on? And you and I would just be wailing on each other. In one costume. In one costume, wailing on each other for the old reach around. We each reach around. All right, Chris, I'm going to let you go, Christopher. Christopher Hack, you are a gentleman and you seem like a very cool guy. And thank you very much for listening to our nonsense. Yeah, you're a good man. I apologize for Conan. And I apologize for Kevin, but I don't apologize for you because you seem like a cool guy. Good luck with the band. Thanks so much. Let the man speak. It was a pleasure. Yes, Chris? I just want to shout out my company's called Rockstar Wrestling Alliance because I do music and wrestling and put it together. Cool. Well, I always leave room for the plug. Carson taught me that. Carson Daly. Hey, Chris, paintings, kevinneelandart.com. Unbelievable. Yeah, if you ever have trouble, just dial 911. All right, man. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Cool. Thank you. Bye. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.