--:-- Marcus: That's when the cannibalism started. Last Update on the Left. Henry, are you okay?
--:-- Henry: I don't know how to start. What happened? Oh my god, he almost didn't make it in the room. He was curled up in a fetal position right outside the studio.
--:-- Marcus: It was because I ate a piece of sushi that I saw on the street. And I ate it just because I was curious.
--:-- Henry: I'm just so fat. I'm just so fat and fucking stupid. You just fucking eat street fish.
--:-- Marcus: I'm just dumb. I'm just fucking dumb.
--:-- Henry: I'm glad you're saying it and not me.
--:-- Marcus: And it seemed to me, he lived his life like a candle in the night. What are we going to do without him?
--:-- Henry: Welcome to the Last Update on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. We had to update the episode. We had to update the update. We recorded this episode the week, not the week before, not a month before, the week that OJ died. It was like three days tops. Three or four days before OJ died. And you'll hear in this episode, you'll hear us saying—
--:-- Marcus: We make jokes about how he's going to die. Yeah, about how we're going to have to record a new opening because he's probably going to die before it comes out. And man, I think he died before even the first update show came out. Pretty certain. Pretty certain, but what we know now is O.J. Simpson, football player, football legend, commercial legend, actor, comedian, husband. He has passed. The juice is dust.
--:-- Henry: The juice is dust. Yes, the juice has been spilt. He is not good.
--:-- Ed: The juice is loose.
--:-- Henry: Not a nice guy. The juice is loose. It's just leaking out of his butthole in the mortuary. Yes. That's why you get the little corkscrew thing. They put it up there.
--:-- Marcus: OJ Simpson is dead. I recently re-watched The People vs. OJ Simpson, the documentary series, which is incredible.
--:-- Henry: Did he win again? You guys gotta go look. I was like rooting for it this time, man. Tiny hints, tiny hints, tiny hints. Go watch that too before you listen to this update. Re-watch that whole documentary series. You really were reminded of how quote-unquote important a man he was and what it's just mind boggling.
--:-- Marcus: Natalie never watched it because she doesn't like sports documentaries. And finally, because I was like, but it's not, though. And she watched all of it, and she was like, "O.J. was bad."
--:-- Ed: When I saw that Cuba Gooding Jr. was playing O.J., I'm like, oh, is this the sequel to Radio? Good work.
--:-- Marcus: No, I was talking about what was the documentary series. O.J. Made in America. Joe Made in America was also very good.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, O.J. Made in America is, I think, one of, if not the best, documentary series ever made.
--:-- Marcus: Yes. It's incredible. It's a sports documentary. It's a true crime documentary. It's a sociological documentary. It shows how O.J. Simpson truly did change America completely. He was a murderous Forrest Gump. And for that, we want to say thank you for the years of content. And O.J., I'll see you in heaven. Right?
--:-- Henry: Sure. He's in heaven. I mean, heaven's not real.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. So it doesn't matter.
--:-- Henry: Yes, there was. He's probably there because he did. Because then we talked a little bit about how he made all his sons sign the NDA to go say goodbye to him on his deathbed. And then because it's probably because he didn't want to get the last scoop. So very, because then I did research and I did find out that the estate can sue, which is part of the partially the reason why he had an NDA on his deathbed was because he wanted to make sure that the kids didn't go and make money on his name after he died.
--:-- Marcus: Why not? Because he's a piece of shit. Because he's O.J. Simpson. And yeah, he might not have been as nice as he seemed.
--:-- Ed: I don't think his name's worth as much as he thinks it is. I think that a lot of people would want to hear from the sons. I actually do. I want to hear the story.
--:-- Marcus: Actually, after his death, I can't remember the last time there was a celebrity death in which that many articles were written and that much attention was paid to a man's legacy. His death was massive. Very, very good. It was huge. And it felt like it was one of those things like I felt for a second after OJ died that it was like a bookend. Between like David Bowie's death and OJ Simpson's death for like a day or two there. It felt like a little magical. Like things kind of felt like, man, like maybe things can get back to normal. And then everything just got fucked up again.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And it wasn't that was a fantasy of mine that I was hoping would come true. There's a lot more bad people that have to die. We have like a whole I can name 10 that immediately need to go. And once those go, then I think we'll see some series changes.
--:-- Marcus: Then there'll be new ones.
--:-- Henry: Well, yeah, but the new ones, but you know what I mean? But they'll be our generation. They'll be ours. And we'll know how to handle them, which is by one-star reviews on iTunes.
--:-- Marcus: So here it is, our O.J. Simpson update, pre-death O.J. Simpson update, which really makes it not much of an update at all.
--:-- Henry: No. It seemed to me like a candle in the wind. Enjoy. Fly from your grave.
--:-- Ed: Dumbercrats. About time. About time they found that one. Republicans.
--:-- Henry: Whoa. That's mean. Have you ever heard that one before? That's mean about Republicans.
--:-- Ed: Like pubicare? No, like poo. Like Republicans. Yeah. Dumbocrats. Dumbocrats. That means you're dumb.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I like republicans. Repub-licans is fine. Repub-licans is better than repub-licans. It's fine. Because the way I'm saying it, it sounds more like I'm saying poob instead of poo. Like it's some sort of penis boob. A poob.
--:-- Marcus: On fire. Already. Wow. Guys. Wow. Are we keeping that in?
--:-- Henry: No. No, we can't keep it. Absolutely not.
--:-- Marcus: Is it too good?
--:-- Henry: Yeah. You know, sometimes an intro. If it's too good, people stop, they go back, they listen to the intro again, and then they're laughing so much they miss the beginning and then they have to go back.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. So, like, I actually think it's important to cut the intro if it's too good.
--:-- Henry: And you know what? Because they won't listen to the rest of the episode. It's a risk we're going to have to take today.
--:-- Marcus: Welcome to the Last Update on the Left. What? We spit hot fire.
--:-- Henry: Spit hot fire.
--:-- Marcus: My name is Marcus Parks. Not tired at all.
--:-- Henry: Disney is Henry Zebrowski. Also not tired. And I think that now that OJ Simpson is sick, let him kill again. Yeah. This time himself. Come on. Let him kill again. Why can't he just kill one last time?
--:-- Marcus: And Ed Larson, what's your stance on OJ Simpson Make-A-Wish Murder?
--:-- Ed: Ooh. OJ Make-A-Wish Murder. I would say, I mean, Aaron Hernandez is gone because that'd be the perfect person for him to kill.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. So if he does murder on his deathbed and we allow him to murder, it can't be his choice? I don't know if we allow him to murder. I think what we do is we put him in a ring and he has the option to murder. But, oh, you know who? Like Marina Barankovic? Jake Paul? Yeah, yeah. John Cena.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, John Cena would destroy him.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. He's got cancer. Oh, gee, Simpson's dying now. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, he's not going to be able to kill John Cena. That's the thing. You don't want him to be able, you don't want it to be a guarantee. You want it to be a long shot. I thought it would be like, Grandpa's turn. And then you have to go get that, put the camera in his hands, being like, let Grandpa do it. He does it best. You know, like, I thought it would be like that.
--:-- Marcus: That'd be nice. And then he'd hit, just, we'd choose a person. Oh, like a lottery, like Shirley Jackson's The Lottery? You just go to Cincinnati and one person out of Cincinnati gets killed.
--:-- Ed: Oh, man. Let's not do it in Cincinnati. I got family there.
--:-- Henry: I got family there. What is OJ Simpson? I like Cleveland. Indianapolis.
--:-- Marcus: Yes. No. Yes. Yeah, yeah.
--:-- Ed: My family lives in Indiana, not Indianapolis.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Bobby gets dead. Everything's fine. Why can't OJ Simpson kill Dick Cheney?
--:-- Henry: He could kill Dick Cheney. Yeah, with a hammer blow to his fucking big-headed head. You know what? I'm open to it.
--:-- Marcus: Hell yeah. All right. The juice is loose.
--:-- Henry: No. And that is blood coming out of his butt from his prostate cancer. I'm probably saying we wanted to do an update on OJ Simpson because we have not yet done. When did we do our OJ Simpson series? I'm trying. I remember talking about the dancing Eidos.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, we talked about the dancing. I mean, we went through basically everything. This was when we were doing very broad overviews of the stories. We did the entire O.J. Simpson saga, including the MKUltra stuff and Juiced and Las Vegas, all in one episode.
--:-- Henry: Oh, we did all of it.
--:-- Marcus: I think we did all of it in one episode. At least that's what my script says. But that's the thing. I don't know what we actually said.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, it's true. It was a long time ago, man. I feel like the episode has never ended because y'all just talk about him constantly.
--:-- Marcus: We talk about him a lot.
--:-- Henry: Well, because that was kind of like what brought him back into the cultural sphere. It was also like our first true crime story.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, yes. We were really obsessed as kids because I know I always remember when it came on the news. Everybody did. It was a huge deal.
--:-- Henry: It was a big part of our lives. I remember when they showed the verdict at my elementary school and there was a slight race riot.
--:-- Marcus: Wow. That happened inside of it?
--:-- Henry: Really? Yeah. Inside of the elementary school? Yeah, kids freaked out because it's like—
--:-- Marcus: We saw it in my middle school and everyone was just talking about it. It was perfectly safe.
--:-- Ed: Also, the same with me. Yeah, we saw it in our middle school. It was perfectly safe.
--:-- Henry: I think kids at home were getting agitated by their parents about the nature of the case.
--:-- Marcus: Were you in Queens still?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I was in Queens. That's different. They were just getting violent for any reason in the 90s back there. It was intense. It was intense. But, you know, like, he's innocent. So I actually don't even know why we even try to do any of this. Obviously.
--:-- Marcus: So we're still talking about it to this day. I mean, God, he's innocent. I've been trying to figure out who did it. Because, you know, we know that he tried to write the book. If I did it, it did not go well for him. He said that he probably, he said that if he did it, he would have done it different. He says, "Let's say I committed this crime." This is a February '98 issue of Esquire. "Let's say I committed this crime. Even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"
--:-- Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever happened? They printed it.
--:-- Marcus: Whatever happened to it? I have a copy of it.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. What happened is that Fred Goldman, Ron Goldman's father, you know, who won the civil suit. So just so you remember, Nicole Brown Simpson, Ron Goldman murdered by someone.
--:-- Henry: Yes. By O.J. Simpson.
--:-- Marcus: Yes. O.J. Simpson definitely killed those two people.
--:-- Henry: Do you think he's the funniest murderer of all time? I don't know. That's the thing. There's a lot of murderers that I haven't spent time with. He's the funniest celebrity murderer to have ever been caught.
--:-- Marcus: Okay. Because I wouldn't say that Phil Spector is super funny.
--:-- Ed: I guess Robert Blake didn't kill.
--:-- Henry: Robert Blake wasn't funny at all. There's nothing funny about him. Have you ever seen his old, he had a series that he did that was actually really fun. I believe it's called Tony Dancer.
--:-- Marcus: No, no, I mean he was Who's the Boss? He was incredible in In Cold Blood and then also in, was it the movie with Pullman, Lost Highway?
--:-- Henry: Now yeah, Lost Highway. Keep talking amongst yourselves. Yeah, no, when I heard OJ had the big casino, I thought he just had an autograph gig at the MGM. Cancer, you know, big casino. We know what it is.
--:-- Marcus: Okay. What is it? I don't get it. The big casino. What's the big casino?
--:-- Henry: You never heard that as a term for cancer?
--:-- Marcus: I never have.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah. I got the big casino.
--:-- Marcus: What? I never heard that.
--:-- Henry: You never heard that? What's the big casino?
--:-- Marcus: That's cancer. But why would you call it that?
--:-- Henry: I didn't make it up. Why did you make that up? I can't believe you all never heard it.
--:-- Marcus: Was that something your mom used to say?
--:-- Henry: Probably. Because your mom, you know, she was a gambler.
--:-- Marcus: She was a gambler, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never heard anyone call it the big casino, because that implies to me, like, I hit the jackpot.
--:-- Henry: Or you get all your money, everything taken from you.
--:-- Henry: Whoa, yeah, but sometimes you win. With cancer, there's no, like, ending result in which you're better than you were before, necessarily. You could get a new asshole.
--:-- Ed: But it sounds like a lot of times. Joe Dancer. That is the show that Robert Blake made. He was in a show. It was technically kind of funny.
--:-- Marcus: Yes. So far, barely talked about it.
--:-- Henry: It's a Sopranos thing.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, that's what it is. Sopranos. Okay. The reason why we wanted to update it is because we got pulled back in. And so I got married in St. Pete, Florida. Have I told this story in the show?
--:-- Henry: No, I don't think so.
--:-- Marcus: And by the way, it was also used in Ocean's Eleven. And Frank and Dino is like, "Give it to me straight, Doc, is it the big casino?" C? The big casino. So I guess it also starts with C.
--:-- Henry: Yes. Cancer, casino, it's close. Either way, I think my joke works now. I had funner. I just had funner times. I just had funner times at a casino than when I eventually will have cancer.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. I assume.
--:-- Henry: Don't know that. I don't know it.
--:-- Marcus: You're right. Because maybe by the time we're old enough, 45, we will have a new type of fun cancer.
--:-- Henry: That's like four years, dude.
--:-- Marcus: I know. Yeah. That's why I was joking. It's a joke. That was sarcastic.
--:-- Henry: No, it is happening. We're getting rapidly old. We all have cancer. Everybody has cancer inside them. It's just a matter of if it presents itself or not.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. What? Yeah. You have cancer in your body right now. It's all there.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, we all have it.
--:-- Marcus: I don't have it.
--:-- Henry: Every human.
--:-- Marcus: No. I beat it out at me.
--:-- Henry: Sure. Yeah, dude. I fucking, my thetans are gone.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, good for you.
--:-- Henry: All right? I go. I destroyed my thetans on my own. I'm the self-actualized Neo that they've been asking for and know that it's going to arrive to Scientology eventually, which is why they don't want me in there because I'm going to disrupt the entire fucking thing. But I was getting married and I remember the day. It was a beautiful day. Do you remember the day?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, in Tampa.
--:-- Henry: No. Oh, it was in August. No? It wasn't? Do you remember my anniversary?
--:-- Marcus: No, I want to remember your anniversary. It's October, right?
--:-- Henry: I know your anniversary. Well, it's easy. It's the day before July 4th.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. That's an easy one. I made it fly on a holiday weekend and spend an exorbitant amount of money on plane tickets.
--:-- Henry: And yours is my mother's birthday, 11-9.
--:-- Henry: See, I would have guessed May for you.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. No, it was cold.
--:-- Henry: Also, 11-9? That's not when we got married. When was it?
--:-- Marcus: 11-10. Armistice Day. You remember the day you got the flight. When I got married, we were in St. Pete, Florida. And we were staying at this little hotel. And it was so cute for our wedding night. And we were like, oh, this is going to be fun and romantic nights. And I went on to the Instagram because I thought it would be fun to go see, like, oh, let's see what other atmospheres have been like here. What's the life like here? What's the party life like here? And the first picture was a picture of a young blonde lady with O.J. Simpson in it. And then I went to the bartender and I said, "O.J. Simpson, is he here a lot?" He's like, "He's here about three or four times a week." And I was like, "What?" It's like, "Yeah, he comes and he visits his son who lives out here. So he's here all the time." And I just can't even imagine what would have happened if my new wife and I, because I also know that I would have the truly, honestly, it's a millennial issue. It's an addiction to post-irony. And so I think that physically I would have to be restrained to not get a picture with him.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. You know he would buy you a bottle of champagne.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, of course. For the newlyweds.
--:-- Henry: Oh, of course. And that was right before. Make sure you talk through all your problems. You know what? If there's somebody who's got good advice, he told you. He's right. How to avoid all of this. Don't let her be a waitress.
--:-- Marcus: Yes. Let her go to a restaurant. Never let her go. But right shortly after that, he joined Twitter.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And they kind of brought it back. So O.J. Simpson's on Twitter. He's talking about how abortion should be legal. He has very liberal views. He's on full on. I want to say he said, like, "Hello, Twitter world. I just want to say Ruth Bader Ginsburg was someone I really, really appreciated." It's a weird thing. He was talking about he was pro-vaccine.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Because he was sure that he had got COVID in January of 2020.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, he was pro-vaccine. And he started going to Buffalo Bills games again. And they applauded him. They did. He was very good for them.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. For them. I just said that. But the thing is, after you've narrowly missed having the government prove that you've killed everyone, it's hard to then go and then you get to be everybody's hero. You get to go and they played. I want to say that they played the Naked Gun theme and he waved at the crowd in Buffalo and everyone cheered for him because that's how desperate Buffalo is for a win. And they miss those days when O.J. Simpson, and they will do anything it takes to take it back and talk. Again, I'm sorry, Courtney and Caitlin. I love you both. But you guys like O.J. Simpson more than you like alive women. That is just a fact about Buffalo.
--:-- Henry: Do you think that they were more applauding the Naked Gun theme than O.J.?
--:-- Marcus: I mean, I applaud the Naked Gun theme. I need to watch 30. Like, I've watched one and two and a half recently and just goddamn had, like, I was down. Like, I was in a low point.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. So we just watched both of those movies and, like, it, like, turned, like, my month around.
--:-- Marcus: When was the last time you saw Police Squad, the actual show?
--:-- Henry: Oh, forever. Oh, it's so good. I got the DVDs.
--:-- Marcus: All right. So now we have a full day.
--:-- Henry: Perfect. All right. It's so worth it, too. It's all jokes. And O.J. Simpson, if he just could have found some of that laughter. Because I know when I'm sad or angry and I get mad at waiters, you know, talking to my wife, I just kind of like, I just sit and I try to think about absurd things. I go like, isn't it funny? Finger puppets.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. That's weird, huh?
--:-- Henry: But you'd be mad if one followed her home.
--:-- Marcus: A finger puppet?
--:-- Henry: No, a waiter. Well, yeah, because then you'd be following us home.
--:-- Marcus: Yes, unless she was, you know, out with the ladies or something, you know. But then, yeah, but then again, are you just trying to offer more good service? Because I do love waiters. And he was offering more good service. He was returning your glasses.
--:-- Henry: I just love restaurants so much. I can't imagine hurting anybody inside of a restaurant. I believe everybody that's inside of a restaurant is pure.
--:-- Marcus: Man, I get so mad when I get a bad sandwich.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, if you make a bad sandwich because they're so easy to make. Well, actually, no. No. You don't think they are?
--:-- Henry: I think that good bread is one of the most difficult issues.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, yeah. We're talking about like the smearing of the mayonnaise.
--:-- Henry: Oh, you're just talking of poor construction of the food.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get furious.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, yeah. Because you have to be doing it. Even people with no hands who do it with their feet learn how to do it.
--:-- Marcus: Take your time.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Make it nice. Don't make it twice. People who don't have feet do it with their teeth just as good as anything. So if you're making a bad fucking sandwich and I'm paying you to fucking be there, then we need to think about where we're at. We're a country wondering why China's winning.
--:-- Henry: China's beating us in AI. This is how OJ felt when he saw that waiter follow his wife.
--:-- Marcus: So you're saying.
--:-- Henry: It builds and builds and builds. So OJ Simpson killed his wife and he killed that waiter. Not just because.
--:-- Marcus: Ron Goldman, the man had a name. Ron Goldman.
--:-- Henry: He went to kill these people not because he's a psychopath and a misogynist. He killed them. Bad service. To fight China.
--:-- Marcus: Which actually is a huge deal if we think about it that way. Yeah. And maybe now, it's the reason why he's dying of cancer.
--:-- Henry: You think it's polonium from the Chinese?
--:-- Marcus: I think it's General Tso's chicken.
--:-- Henry: I think it's, he's got colon cancer.
--:-- Marcus: Which is an American dish.
--:-- Henry: Huh. General Tso, I believe, is a real guy.
--:-- Marcus: Might as well be.
--:-- Henry: Spicy. But yeah, sweet.
--:-- Marcus: General Tso's my favorite.
--:-- Henry: General Tso's like a good general. Like a general. But it's bad for you. The fried foods. That's what I always said about General Patton. He's spicy, but he's sweet. But I just don't understand O.J. Simpson. He actually was also still in very good health later on. That colon cancer still comes. You got to be careful with colon cancer.
--:-- Marcus: I feel like that's what really this episode should be about.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, it's colon cancer. How to avoid colon cancer.
--:-- Marcus: I got to get a, yeah, I'm getting a colonoscopy done here soon. Just because I got to. Because, you know, the bleeding butt and all that.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah. Was yours bumped up early because you're blood, because you have the stigmata?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, I just have to do the anus stigmata. I just have to do it more often than men do it earlier.
--:-- Henry: You do have an anus. Anus stigmata is a really fun name for an album. Anus stigmata, yeah. It's anus stigmata. Anus stigmata. Anus stigmata. I think you're all right. You probably have semicolon cancer.
--:-- Marcus: That's in English. He's in English. Punctuation joke. Punctuation joke. That's why I chuckle.
--:-- Henry: You know what's good about that? I actually do the chuckle. It fills time. It fills seconds of time.
--:-- Marcus: It says here the way you avoid colon cancer is don't have a butt. So be a conehead.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. They just got the dots.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, that's right. How did they defecate?
--:-- Henry: I don't think they did. They don't.
--:-- Marcus: You have to defecate.
--:-- Henry: But they ate so much. That's the thing. You eat so much. When you eat, you must defecate. Any biological animal defecates, do you think it comes out of their mouth?
--:-- Marcus: I don't know, but you missed an opportunity when you interviewed Dan Aykroyd.
--:-- Henry: God, fuck! And then he won't get back. We've been trying to hit him up, he won't get back. We've been hitting OJ up for fucking weeks, and now he's about to fucking die. He might die. I mean, he's gonna die. If he dies before this comes out, we're sorry.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, we'll do an addendum. You'll have heard, if he dies before this comes out, you'll have heard us come out up top and say, hey, this is recorded before he died.
--:-- Henry: Do you know what's crazy? So my cousin graduated from USC. I went to the graduation, and right next to the graduation was their trophy hall, and they had O.J. Simpson's Heisman Trophy in there.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, wow. I thought that got stolen.
--:-- Henry: No, it all kept. He got to keep his. He sold his back when you were still allowed to sell it, and then someone else sell it, and now it's in a private collection. But they still had O.J. Simpson's no matter what. They're still presenting it. Reggie Bush, on the other hand, they removed it because he got caught taking money. So they decided that Reggie Bush stealing money was worse. Reggie Bush had to give back his Heisman, and OJ has not. Even though OJ, he wasn't stealing money, he was taking money to play football. Which is now they made legal. Which is now legal, but Reggie Bush still doesn't have his Heisman, and OJ still gets to keep it.
--:-- Marcus: What? Isn't that crazy? So OJ Simpson's fine?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can all still be like, well, I guess he was at first. I guess, again, all right. He is convicted for stealing sports memorabilia. And for kidnapping, he was convicted for some bad shit. But not while he was playing.
--:-- Marcus: See, that's what they're saying. And I also find that interesting is that as long as it's football concern, nobody seems to care about OJ Simpson. As long as you put it because you noticed his Twitter, all the stuff he was talking about.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, obviously he threw some pretty, at this point, we were talking about his quote-unquote liberal politics. But it's way more like center liberal. He's just acting like a quote-unquote normal guy. And then also just talking about football. Like all you would do is talk about football.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, and golf.
--:-- Henry: And golf. You would just talk about neutral subjects, which is also kind of sad.
--:-- Marcus: Well, he was a sports commentator for many years. He's very trained in talking about football.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And he did it for a long time. Yeah. And no one seems, as long as you're just talking about that, but the one thing he did know best, which was how to get away with murder, which I think a lot more people would be interested in. And how do I do what you did? He wrote a book about it.
--:-- Marcus: I know. And the thing is, they shut it down because people are afraid of the truth. I mean, it's very easy. I mean, it's just that he'd be one sentence long, hire a lot of very expensive, manipulative lawyers who have no morals.
--:-- Henry: Wow. That's how you get off. That's incredible.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Well, it's also got big hands and he didn't take his medication.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, the arthritis. And also it really helps if you have an entire racist police department that you can throw under the bus.
--:-- Marcus: That you're hanging out with a lot.
--:-- Henry: Yes. Yeah. You're always hanging out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that also helps. And also have a very incompetent forensics team. That also helps.
--:-- Marcus: Wow, that does help. Wow, it does take a village.
--:-- Henry: You know, and they say, you know, that's the thing. There's no self-made anybody.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. It's really about people help everywhere you go. You don't know. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Like, if I didn't get fat enough, I don't know if I would have booked work. So I feel like in many ways, the Italian and Chinese restaurant community of New York City in many ways was my village.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, because you used to, like, order so much Chinese food, they give you multiple sets of utensils.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, like four or five. That's how you knew it was, like, a good order.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I remember those days. If they thought it was a family, that's how you know you were winning.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Yeah, because that means that you fucking took it down. Or it's the worst is when they bring a box. When you see the box of food and you're like, oh, oh, no, oh, oh.
--:-- Henry: That was when I was getting all fat and sassy. I was getting all fucking big and stanky, dude.
--:-- Marcus: Wow, a box? You'd order enough to get a box?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, dog. Wow. What would that entail? Lots of apps. I like to choose the apps. And then also I started to believe that as long as they were meat-based, that they were healthy, which is sort of real. So I'd get my spare ribs. I'd get this sliced barbecue pork, which I like both because I like the chunk off the bone. I also like eating in sliced form. And then I would just get a little bit of the noodles and I'd get them steamed. I would get steamed dumplings because I thought that was healthier because it's steamed. It's cooked with steam. It's air. It doesn't make fat. It's not fried. It's air. And then I would make, I'd get beef and broccoli because they have broccoli in it.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, because you've got to be healthy.
--:-- Henry: Yes. Yeah, of course. It doesn't matter that it's soaked in—
--:-- Marcus: No, rice comes from the earth, too. It's all herbs.
--:-- Henry: Rice or herbs. Last I checked.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, yeah. So it's very good.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, that's it. But I'd be like, I'm so— Because also I'm broke. But I'm also just drinking— Because then I'm just drinking 40s and eating Chinese food.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, but that's the thing is that back then in New York, you could get that much Chinese food for like—
--:-- Henry: For like $6.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I really want to order some Chinese food tonight. I just want to do like— Like New York style. What was that place? King Wah's.
--:-- Marcus: King Wah was good.
--:-- Henry: And then so was the, ooh, my mouth. I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry.
--:-- Marcus: It is definitely dinner time.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I must eat.
--:-- Marcus: You need to move on. All right, how about this? O.J. Simpson is still in the NFL Hall of Fame.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. They did not remove him from there.
--:-- Marcus: Because I guess he didn't get convicted.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. No, it's true. And that's the whole thing.
--:-- Marcus: Well, he was convicted of the other ones. But that's, you know, everyone knows that was, you know, everyone was kind of on his side almost.
--:-- Henry: Well, they would, one of the lawyers from the first trial called it the fifth quarter. Where, because they didn't get him on the murder charge.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. When they came in on this charge, like they gave him the maximum sentence for every single thing.
--:-- Henry: Of course. I mean, he ended up getting out anyway.
--:-- Marcus: Of course they did. Of course they did. Now, I sent you a quote. I don't know if you got it yet, Henry.
--:-- Henry: Yes. From O.J. Simpson's Hall of Fame acceptance speech. Would you mind?
--:-- Marcus: It's pretty great.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And it's pretty inspiring.
--:-- Marcus: Well, I'll never forget Jack McBride because he told me he said, "O.J., in this world there are rules that we must all live by. He said, you've got to learn that if you're ever going to be successful in this world, you're going to have to learn to accept the responsibilities for your actions." And I don't know. It didn't hit me right then. But it started to grow on me as years went on because I knew I was this guy's favorite and he turned me in and he would have turned me in anyway. And I guess this is when I began to realize what it really, really is second, that it really, really is secondary. If you win or lose, it's how you play the game in life and on the field. That really matters. So I'll always be grateful to Jack McBride. Responsibility. You know, it's about responsibility for his actions, and that's why I'm always been so happy. He's still out there.
--:-- Henry: Because do you know how hard it is to pick up clues this far after the murder?
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And he's out there. And now he's sick. He's sick, and he's running out of time. And honestly, yeah, sure, he might have ran his way through as many fake-titted blonde women that he could have all throughout Florida and left each one sort of vaguely scared and disappointed. But he was researching, trying to figure out who would kill a woman who would ever think to.
--:-- Marcus: And so what he would do is just he'd ask. He'd be like, because I thought that was really irresponsible of him. He would go on a date with a blonde woman and he'd ask, "Why should I kill you?" And she'd always be like, "I'm trifling and cheating. I'm trying to. I'm unreliable. And I fucking need you. I think you've got a small dick." And he'd be like, "Whoop, see, I'm better now." Like, he would, I think that's important for him.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you mentioned earlier, is he the funniest murderer out there?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. And he actually, the thing is about O.J. Simpson is I think he can be directed to be funny. Because if you watch the old Naked Gun movies, really, his shining moment, he has one shining moment, that's the boat scene.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, when he gets shot.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, it's great. That's his Buster Keaton.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah. When he puts his shoulder in the wet paint, he's like, "Oh, man." It's incredible. I mean, it's an incredible scene. But when he was tasked to be funny all on his own, when OJ was given a blank check for his prank show, Juiced. Because they were like, "Oh, OJ's funny. Yeah, OJ's funny. Let's give OJ a blank check and have him come up with all these ideas for pranks." Because 2005 prank shows are very popular in 2005. Especially the directed DVD market.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, yes. Too hot for television.
--:-- Henry: Too hot for television because there was a music video involved that had a lot of tits. Yeah. They just put it in there, and it's just O.J. Simpson in the stereotypical pimp costume. They rented a mansion somewhere in Florida. A couple of ladies come along.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, yeah. It's a lot.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah. But Juiced, have you ever seen Juiced?
--:-- Marcus: Just the clips you've showed me.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I've never actually watched the whole thing. It is unwatchable. I've sat down and watched it multiple times because we did an O.J. Simpson bit for a live show many, many years ago. Back when we were doing like 300 seat rooms. And I watched it because we were going to play, like that was going to be the climax of the bit. Was like the show Juiced. I could not find one funny clip nothing in the entire it's all just uncomfortable in a bad way.
--:-- Marcus: Yes, like it's like everyone's uncomfortable, everyone's like very weirded out, it's not good that he's making light of the murder and that he's like just and he's not doing funny like he's at a drive-thru and he's like taking sips of sodas before handing them to people and people are just like "What are you doing?"
--:-- Henry: Yeah. He tries to sell a white Bronco.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. He pops up from behind it, and he's just like, "See? It's me. It's a white Bronco." And then it's like, that's all. There's no material.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. There was actually a great expose written by the comedian that wrote this process, and they would talk about how O.J. Simpson would arrive. He was visibly intoxicated. Every single time. Every single time. Obviously, extremely difficult to control. I wouldn't just kind of obviously blow off shoot dates, showed up with a bunch of sex workers. He was not in good shape.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, of course not. Not ready to be on camera. He did whiteface in it, correct?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, he dressed up like an old white man and just bothered people.
--:-- Marcus: I mean, that's fun, though. But there was no jokes. He was just bothering people. And they just thought, like, why is this strange-looking Yoda man bothering me? Well, you know, gotta make a living. You don't that way. I feel like there's so many. I actually rather you be a Times Square Elmo. I think that there's other things to do besides help O.J. Simpson make a prank video.
--:-- Henry: Well, 2005 is an abysmal time for art.
--:-- Marcus: It was a hard time. It was real.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, it was real hard.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it was a hard time. What were even the movies of 2005?
--:-- Henry: 2005, I was just so... Jerry Maguire?
--:-- Marcus: I was just so high.
--:-- Henry: No, Jerry Maguire was like 96.
--:-- Marcus: That's right. That's right. That's right. I was just fat and drunk.
--:-- Henry: 2005, man. We were working together.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. We were working together.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, that was senior or my first senior year in college. There wasn't a lot going on there.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, what was on that? It was a Harry Potter movie. The third Star Wars prequel.
--:-- Henry: The War of the Worlds remake.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, I remember that. I remember getting stoned for that and sitting in the second row and thinking it was fucking real, dude.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, it was fucking scary for the first 20 minutes.
--:-- Henry: The Peter Jackson King Kong.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it was bad. That was a bad year.
--:-- Henry: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
--:-- Marcus: Awful. All bad.
--:-- Henry: Batman Begins.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Sure. It's fine. That's a good one.
--:-- Henry: You know, OJ didn't make any of this better. OJ had an opportunity. We were looking to OJ to fix it. Because imagine if he went through all of this, killed his wife, killed her boyfriend, stole all this stuff, came back after all this. But what if he had made his full-on Greta Thunberg move? If he had went to save the world, would you feel bad? Like if he went to do something that would like save a boatload of people.
--:-- Marcus: Like, oh, you're talking like Randy Quaid at the end of Independence Day?
--:-- Henry: Yes. Or if you like, let's say, this might be comical, but someone left the bomb on a cruise boat. Okay. And he got the bomb. He found the bomb. Jumped off the boat with the bomb. Or threw the bomb off, like lived. Threw the bomb off and saved everyone. Would you forgive him?
--:-- Marcus: I mean, you don't have to forgive him. You could just be happy he saved those people. But would you be like, "All right, OJ, you can be in the Naked Gun remake."
--:-- Henry: No. Because he's got cancer now.
--:-- Marcus: Well, yeah, now. No one will insure him.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, that's the main issue. But you think if he saved like 300 people.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, saved and lived. I thought you meant that he sacrificed.
--:-- Henry: No, and then he could go on and then we could bring him back to. Would that uncancel him? If he saves like 400, 500 people in one go, can he go get his hair played with by Jimmy Fallon?
--:-- Marcus: It's interesting. Like once you become like a notorious, horrible person, nobody even wants you to do anything good.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Remember when the KKK tried to adopt a highway and everyone's like, "No, you can't adopt a highway. We won't even let you clean the highway."
--:-- Marcus: We know why they were doing it. Because they wanted to paint the road white.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. And they wanted to put up messages. OJ Simpson, if he wants to maybe get right, if he had wanted to get right with God, he might could do something cool. Like, tell everybody, "Don't, you know, I watched Matrix Resurrections, it's bad." You could have saved us all from that. If you could have just done something to protect us all.
--:-- Marcus: About 2005, it was the year in music of second best album. Like Demon Days by Gorillaz, The Woods, Cedar Kenny. It's like all second best albums. It's a hard year.
--:-- Henry: Gimme Fiction, Spoon.
--:-- Marcus: I like Spoon. But that's Spoon's second best album. Hyper Magic Mountain by Lightning Bolt. It's like their third best album. This is where we're going to get the letters. It's not the rest of it. It's this little portion. It's just, yeah, that was the year that Million Dollar Baby won Best Picture.
--:-- Henry: Oh, the one about the lady boxer who bit off her tongue to die.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, the one with the big face.
--:-- Marcus: What did she have a big face?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, and all her parents and her family came to see her in the hospital and they all went to Disney World.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, was that that movie?
--:-- Marcus: That was that movie, yeah. Yeah. But Morgan Freeman won, so that's good.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, that's good. And like the Aviator won a bunch of awards.
--:-- Marcus: Aviator was fine.
--:-- Henry: Aviator was fine.
--:-- Henry: Best original score, Finding Neverland.
--:-- Marcus: I liked Finding Neverland. A lot of people did.
--:-- Henry: Oh, that movie.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, the fiction movie.
--:-- Henry: The fiction movie. Yes. Not the other one. Finding Neverland. That's the way. Whenever I hear Leaving Neverland, I'm always like, I feel bad for Finding Neverland. No one cares anymore about Finding Neverland.
--:-- Marcus: See, that's what happened.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. No one knows about it.
--:-- Marcus: And married. Wow, and then it's Johnny Depp who was doing a Michael Jackson impersonation in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
--:-- Marcus: That's fucking weird, dude. All this is so much more interconnected than the O.J. Simpson material that we had. This is actually deeper and bigger than I thought it was going to be.
--:-- Henry: The Goldman family has never been paid?
--:-- Marcus: No, the Goldman family, no, they never got paid. They got a hundred and something thousand dollars.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, they got nothing.
--:-- Marcus: With interest, it's up to like 60 or 70 million, maybe more now. They were, obviously, they're always pulled back every single time. He farts, they talk to the Goldmans and they are never allowed to be released from this at all. OJ Simpson will be dead soon. Very soon. That at least we know. And that when he dies, then this will finally be over. And it's weird because I actually kind of feel like almost a sadness in a way.
--:-- Henry: Well, it'll be because OJ Simpson was very integral to our childhood. It's such a big part of the 90s. I kind of felt the same way when Charles Manson died.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, but something that an innocence had taken from this world. When Manson died. It was just like something pure. I don't know, some je ne sais quoi was gone from this world. It's just weird to have a thing that feels like such a big part of your brain and it's gone.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, an institution. It's gone. I could see why boomers are like, "I don't know how to use the printer anymore." Because so much stuff has changed.
--:-- Marcus: Who uses a printer? My mother, who prints out everything. She prints out everything. MapQuest. All of it. She prints out everything. And then she overloads the print queue and breaks the printer. I've gone through three printers. And then I fixed three different printers. And I went and I've talked to that woman over the fucking phone about these fucking printers. And I was like, "I bought you a brand new iPad. That's what this is for. You can look at it on your iPad. You don't need to print it out." And she's just like, "I don't trust the iPad. It gets viruses."
--:-- Henry: And I was like, "That's your action. So do you."
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. You are getting the viruses. iPads. Never heard of anyone getting a virus on an iPad.
--:-- Henry: I don't think I've ever heard it either.
--:-- Marcus: She doesn't. She's afraid of it. She's like, "I click on it and I go to things I don't mean to." I think she just doesn't know how to use it.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. She's probably slapping it with her whole hand. It's the easiest device. Toddlers use it. They train dogs to use it. I bet OJ uses one.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, he does now. Signs all his documents, all his autographs. I looked up how much an OJ autograph is. They're all over the place. They're either really expensive or $2.
--:-- Henry: What would be the expensive one?
--:-- Marcus: His rookie card.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah. The rookie card, yeah.
--:-- Marcus: I mean, if you just get OJ to sign a hat, that's not going to be that expensive.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, but he's got a lot of jerseys with his stats on it and stuff like that.
--:-- Henry: They always go for a good amount of money. Actually, you can get a jersey O.J. Simpson autographed Buffalo Bills. They're only $160.
--:-- Marcus: Well, he does a lot of autograph events now in Vegas.
--:-- Marcus: Dude, should we each get one?
--:-- Marcus: No. I do not need that in my house. First of all, I'm a Dolphins fan. More importantly than an anti-murder fan, I'm a Dolphins fan.
--:-- Henry: You don't think it would be fun to walk down the street and them together like a squad?
--:-- Marcus: Oh, yeah. We're Simpson boys.
--:-- Henry: That'll go over well.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, here in Los Angeles, where the murder happened. We're the Simpson boys.
--:-- Henry: Well, you know, he's a good old college boy from this town.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, you come near me, man. We're kind of guys who get off on crime. But the interesting, one of the things I did learn about the Goldman family is that they can't get the money. Because they're not allowed to get any money from his pension, from his NFL pension, and that's kind of what he's living off of right now.
--:-- Henry: How does he get the money from the NFL pension, but they can't?
--:-- Marcus: Well, because it's his pension. You can't be sued for your pension, apparently.
--:-- Henry: Is that real?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, so he's getting— Unions, huh?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, they work.
--:-- Marcus: O.J. Simpson union man. Yeah, so he paid in $7 million to his pension, and if you wait longer to ask for it, he waited until he was 65. He was literally, he made like $600,000 when he was in prison.
--:-- Marcus: Because he was getting his, when he turned 65 and he was getting his pension, it was just being put away for him the whole time.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, and so, and then he has a really high pension because he waited so long and he paid so far into it.
--:-- Marcus: He paid $7 million into it. He has a beautiful home.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I'm sure he does.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Yeah, he gets like $20,000 a month, they said.
--:-- Henry: Wow. Which is very high for people. Most players only get like $1,000 or $1,300 or something like that.
--:-- Marcus: Wow. And so he gets a lot of money for his pension.
--:-- Henry: Holy shit. I'm glad he's doing good. You know, like it's so funny to think when I saw that 75 year old woman who delivered my Instacart the other day and I just like, you know, obviously I tossed her a quarter and I told her to be careful out there. Don't breathe on it. But I don't want. It's like, OJ Simpson's like just doing great. His teeth look great. You know, you look at him, he's got a big You know, like he's got new veneers in.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. But I think he's going to die soon. Very soon. He hasn't tweeted since February 11th.
--:-- Henry: No, he's going to be dead soon.
--:-- Marcus: He was diagnosed on the 9th. Or he was diagnosed in February.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. His chemo started in February. So, yeah, he's a...
--:-- Henry: Wow. His last tweet was a picture of him, a video of him going away, and the caption is, "Hospice? Are you in the Twitter world?" I didn't even believe it myself.
--:-- Marcus: Well, he changed it to X-World, by the way. So he decided that for some reason makes me hate him worse than ever. That he went with the branding. That he changed with the branding is so obnoxious. I don't know why about that that is obnoxious to me. Like, it drives me fucking crazy.
--:-- Marcus: Wow. Well, you know, he'll be dead soon.
--:-- Henry: Oh, absolutely. Thank the Lord. But also, what's the big next one that we're afraid of? When we lose him, what are we going to do next? The next big criminal? Cosby.
--:-- Marcus: By the way, probably both have CTE. Because Cosby played college football for Temple. He was an All-American. Or who dies first? OJ's dying before Cosby. That's how fast OJ is. He's going to die faster than Bill Cosby.
--:-- Henry: I bet Cosby lives to be 100.
--:-- Marcus: What, just on pure evil?
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I bet so. I bet so. We're too nice.
--:-- Marcus: What do you mean? We should have killed him?
--:-- Henry: I mean, I know I'm saying in general we're going to die younger because we're not as evil as the guys that live longer.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, we get to have a good time.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. That's the thing. We live better lives. They're shorter lives, but they're better lives. Do you think Bill Cosby's upset?
--:-- Marcus: I don't think he feels anything.
--:-- Henry: I don't think he feels anything. You know why I think people like shitty people live longer? They don't worry as much as we do.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, they feel nothing.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. It's the worry. It's the stress. That's what gets us.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it's the weight of all the emotions and the tension that you feel and how that affects your body.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Yeah, where it's like if you don't have those feelings and you're just like, you know what I mean?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, you live forever.
--:-- Marcus: I guess it's also how you be really successful in athletics or comedy as well. Just not feel anything?
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I think it's better that way. I think it's better. It's possible. Because you know there was a lot of stuff that I didn't do just for laughs I feel like I could have done you know but now that just for laughs is over you'll never have that chance and also they also never invited us back after uh they made us uh perform in that conference room in like 2013 yeah like 2 p.m right we crushed it 17 28 2017 yeah 2017 yeah it was like yeah 2 p.m in a conference room yeah we crushed it to those you know 20 people but no one wanted to suck our dicks
--:-- Marcus: There was no big guy there. There was no Mr. X.
--:-- Henry: No. I wasn't coming, sucking her dicks. That should have happened.
--:-- Marcus: No, I got really sick.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, we were sick.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, I got really, really sick that trip. I spent most of the time in the hotel room. We were really hungover.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, I think that's... I would be...
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I smoked cigarettes because I used to have a thing where I would smoke cigarettes when I left the country.
--:-- Henry: It just got you real sick?
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it just got me... I got so sick. I was, like, sick for a day and a night because I, like, smoked, like, three cigarettes. It was awesome. And that was the last time I think.
--:-- Henry: No, the last time I smoked cigarettes was in England. How was OJ's set at the festival?
--:-- Marcus: Hilarious. That was actually what I was kind of mad. My agent didn't come and she was at his show. I was just like, I didn't know he had a full 25 minutes. And then he looks around the crowd. He's like, "Here's the killer."
--:-- Henry: No. "Here's the killer." Honestly, it was a really funny bit. But you can't do that for an hour. How do you guys feel about the theory that his son did it?
--:-- Marcus: Don't think that that happened. Don't think that happened.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. No, that he was trying to cover for his son, that his son was the one that was obsessed with Nicole.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, that he, yeah.
--:-- Marcus: No, he didn't. Because his son left the country the day after, right?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I think it's because he was embarrassed because his father killed his mother.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. He was upset. Kind of gets you out of town.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I think so. I think that would make you want to go on a vacation.
--:-- Marcus: No, I think it was his son from his first marriage.
--:-- Henry: His first marriage. Still, father's implicated in a murder. I'm going to go to Europe. I'm going to leave.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, but then he was definitely there on the day of the Bronco chase, though.
--:-- Henry: Yes. Because he was at the house on the day of the Bronco chase.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, but OJ did it. I found a weird thing that Sharon Stone just said.
--:-- Henry: What's that?
--:-- Marcus: Like a month ago, she said that on the day of the Bronco chase, the LAPD came and, like, squirreled her away in a safe house because they were afraid that OJ Simpson was coming to get her.
--:-- Henry: Come get her? Why?
--:-- Marcus: I don't know. Because she was a hot blonde?
--:-- Marcus: I get, wow. Think about every- They're like, go collect all the hot blondes. There was some cop somewhere that was like, "This is a great idea."
--:-- Henry: Because then what we do is we get to comfort every one of these big-titted blondes in Los Angeles. We get to comfort each one. Like, "I want you to be, come here. Be careful. OJ's out there. You're going to have to come to my apartment where I keep my mistress."
--:-- Marcus: Because every cop has one.
--:-- Henry: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They do. They do. They love them. They think it's great. It's very bad. Honestly, I'm just glad my father didn't have a second family because he wasn't organized for one.
--:-- Marcus: No, no, no, no. No. Certainly not.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I remember when I worked at the poorhouse and we had all those cops there all the time. And they would have their own private parties in the back and stuff. And they had the most disgusting private parties of anyone we allowed to have private parties, including the New York Giants.
--:-- Marcus: Didn't you have the Yankees there too?
--:-- Henry: No, the Yankees partially owned the place. A couple of them did. They all were investors because they liked to come and then they drank for free.
--:-- Marcus: They probably drank as much as they invested, I imagine.
--:-- Henry: Yes. I remember hanging out with Jabba Chamberlain until 6 in the morning and then watching him blow the game the next day in the 8th. And you're just like, "Oh, that was partially my fault."
--:-- Marcus: I did. No, y'all. No, y'all. Okay, man. That means you made it, dude. That means you fucking made it, man.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Yeah, man. But you know who's not going to make it? O.J. Simpson.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, he's going to be dead fucking soon. And you know what'll be nice? We'll get to visit his grave.
--:-- Henry: That's what I'm really looking forward to.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, and I'm like, does the knee dance?
--:-- Henry: Yeah, you're like, "Oh, shit."
--:-- Marcus: What else can you say about O.J. Simpson? I think he's going to make a shitty angel.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. I guess he'll be buried in Florida, right? They won't bring him back here.
--:-- Marcus: No, he lives in Vegas.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I think he'd be buried in Vegas where he belongs.
--:-- Marcus: I thought he lived in Florida.
--:-- Henry: For a little while he did. He's currently in Vegas. His son lived in Florida.
--:-- Henry: Yes, so now he's in Vegas.
--:-- Marcus: I thought it was him and Casey Anthony hanging out in Florida.
--:-- Henry: Well, for a while, that's how he got away from Goldman for so long because he declared bankruptcy. And then Florida was like kind of fucked over the Goldman family. See, Florida is a great place for con people to live because they don't really care that the people, the government doesn't particularly care about those types of rules and the police don't. So it's actually awesome. If you're going to commit financial crimes, Florida is really where you want to be. Or if you just want to be a general piece of shit like Florida's a-okay.
--:-- Marcus: I love it. I still love it. I think it's got a heart that needs help.
--:-- Henry: Florida is one of my favorite places on earth. I don't think I'll ever live there again, but I wear it on my sleeve.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, of course.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. It's great.
--:-- Marcus: You have to because of the police. They have to locate me. He has to keep his address available at all times.
--:-- Marcus: Texas is full of absolutely horrible, horrible people and horrible places. Terrible things happen there, but I'm always going to be from Texas.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. It's just going to be the way it is.
--:-- Marcus: Am I ever going to fucking live there again? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
--:-- Marcus: No way in hell.
--:-- Henry: Do you have a good time when you go back?
--:-- Marcus: Sometimes, maybe. Every once in a while.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, I'm sure it's fine. When I go back to New York City to be on Saturday Night Live as a new up-and-coming comedian, the whole city is going to miss me. It's going to welcome me back.
--:-- Henry: They can't wait to have me back. An up-and-coming 40-year-old comedian.
--:-- Marcus: Once I'm on there, no, I'm hoping 45, 50, once I'm really mature, I could get on that show and everybody could see what I got.
--:-- Marcus: Then I'll go back to these.
--:-- Henry: You're going to get on as musical guest. Watch. This is my fart machine.
--:-- Marcus: Whoa, cool.
--:-- Henry: Because I think when I'm in my 70s, maybe it'll be cool to have a fart machine. Then the new alphas will like that. The new Zoomers for them.
--:-- Marcus: I don't know. Maybe we should bring in a fart machine next episode. See if that spices things up a little bit.
--:-- Henry: Very Leslie Nielsen of us.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah. Very Leslie Nielsen of us.
--:-- Henry: What did he say about OJ? He said that he wished that OJ on set was wonderful and he was a delight to be around.
--:-- Henry: And that it all looks very troubling. I saw an interview when he was promoting Spy Hard. And the guy had the balls to ask him about OJ, which I really commend that interviewer. To ask Leslie Nielsen about OJ Simpson's murder rap while you're impressed for Spy Hard is incredible. And then he's just like, "Yeah, he said that he wished OJ would tell him what happened."
--:-- Marcus: Oh, that's actually the best possible. You know, honestly, I just wish he'd fill me in because it all sounds like quite the ruckus. And I just wish Ornthal would call me and he just won't.
--:-- Henry: The surprising thing that I found today, I never looked at the dates. Ed mentioned it. Naked Gun 33 and a third, March 1994. The murders, June.
--:-- Marcus: Oh, bad rollout.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it didn't do well.
--:-- Henry: No, no, no. I mean, catapulted Anna Nicole Smith to start him.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, it did.
--:-- Henry: Yes, it did. It did very good for her. I remember when it looked like she had the wiener. And now it is actually more of a transphobic moment. And that's what we're going to sit and really look at next time. I'm going to look at how comedy needs to be updated, doesn't it? Remember when they panned up and they were showing her legs and then she had like two sets of knees?
--:-- Marcus: That was always a good one. That was a very, very good bit.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, that was a fun one. She's distracting the Pricewaterhouse guys by doing the big.
--:-- Marcus: Yeah, yeah. With her tits.
--:-- Henry: That was really fun.
--:-- Henry: How's she doing? We'll do that update next week, Eddie. I hate to tell you, but it's not a funny ending. Patreon.com slash podcast. If you want to see full videos and all kinds of other fun stuff, Follow us on Instagram, TikTok at LP on the left. Check us out on Twitch at LPN TV. That's twitch.tv slash LPN TV. And go to lastpodcastontheleft.com for all of our live shows this year in North America, Europe, and Australia. Also, I love, there's a quote that Anna Nicole Smith said that I still, that it's said and it really keeps haunting me. Where she said, she's like, "You know how they have those bumper stickers that say shit happens and then you die?"
--:-- Henry: "Shit happens and then you live."
--:-- Henry: She was a millionaire. She died in clown makeup.
--:-- Henry: Yeah. Well, hey, you know, we'll see how she's doing next week. Fair take, everyone. Hey, again. Hey, Leslie Nielsen.
--:-- Henry: Yeah, he's innocent. Always. Always. And drinking vine and eating chicken. This man's needs an enema for his worst films. Thank you for enjoying the last update on the left. You can find other shows that you'll enjoy from the last podcast network on last podcast on the left dot com. See you there. Thank you.
