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--:-- John: What do you think about the subject of sex, Julie? How important is it for a relationship? How much should we be having sex? Does it really matter? Is it a predictor of long-term success in marriage?
--:-- Julie: Great questions that my clients ask me a lot. There's huge variability in sexual preference. Some couples don't want to have sex at all. Both people don't want to have sex. They'd rather have a sibling-like relationship. If they're both content with that, they can have a very successful relationship. Some couples want to have sex a lot. It's a really important component of the relationship. Everything in between.
--:-- John: When you run into trouble is when men who are hyper-masculine think cuddling is too infantile. They don't want to cuddle. The only way they can accept physical contact is through sex. Penetrative sex. The woman has 17 children, is trying to make dinner, exhausted. She may not want to have sex as much as he does. He feels deprived of touch but complains about not having enough sex. She says she's not getting enough affection. Conflict arises. They're speaking two different languages of intimacy.
--:-- Julie: They are, though typically the men in these relationships need touch. Can they accept cuddling as something masculine? If they think about it and experience it, yes. Things improve. Research suggests life is foreplay. Kissing on the way out, touching your partner's back, cuddling leads to a better sex life. Public displays of affection are an investment in what happens tonight in the bedroom.
--:-- John: Every positive thing in a relationship is foreplay. Couples who stop having sex have shut down other sensual parts of their lives. They're not having fun. 80% of the 40,000 couples we studied said fun died in the relationship. No play, no adventure. Everything shut down.
--:-- Julie: How do we stop that? People say eroticism and attraction are about novelty and spontaneity. Love is about familiarity and comfort. These are opposites. The person who said it's all about spontaneity has never done research. Familiarity and emotional connection create long-term passion. Better sex than maintaining mystery without connection.
--:-- John: Emily Nagoski's book *Come As You Are* reviews this research. Women have more prerequisites for eroticism. Chevy Chase said women need a reason for sex, men just need a place. Women need psychological safety. Emotional connection. Long to-do lists neglected. Dog taken out. Situation feels erotic. She's receptive.
--:-- Julie: Most men don't know that one in four women have been sexually molested or assaulted by 18. Probably one in three. Women need safety more than men. We wrote *The Man's Guide to Women* to convey this. Familiarity is the basis for eroticism, not absence.
--:-- John: Epigenetics suggests trauma can pass generations. Women have been sex objects, raped. They have an inbuilt need for safety. What does this mean for men? Make your partner feel safe.
--:-- Julie: Yes. Awareness of emotional connection and psychological safety. Men who do housework get more sex. Empirical result. Vacuuming, box off the bed.
--:-- John: Are we seeing a difference in relationships with sex as the world changes? Stats suggest we're getting more sexless. Changes in attitudes about sex? Gender roles have changed.
--:-- Julie: Not sexless, but loveless. Hookup culture is thriving. Impersonal sex leaves people empty. No emotional connection. Like masturbating. Couples not committing as much. Factors: parents' divorces, women in workforce, career importance.
--:-- John: Men don't know their role. Society expects them to provide. Women's equality in pay and education. Men feel emasculated by smarter, more successful women. Pool for women is smaller. Challenges of modern world.
--:-- Julie: Roles are changing. Men discovering importance of relationships. Worse emotional support systems. Only close connection with partner. Epidemic of loneliness. Need close connections, friends, community.
--:-- John: Women looking for sensitive, emotionally aware partners. Men want compassionate women. Contradiction both ways. Want everything at once.
--:-- Julie: Couples with best sex lives talk about it most. Talk in accepting, loving way. What's great, what you love, what you wish for. *Got Sex* kit has structured conversations. Refuse sex without hurting egos.
--:-- John: Couples who talk openly have better sex. *Love Maps* has questions about erotic worlds. Different for men and women. Linked to trauma.
--:-- Julie: If one partner won't do a fantasy, describe it verbally. Couples who talk during sex have better relationships.
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