2 Ways to Believe in Yourself & Achieve Cool Things

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I have been dying to talk to you. So let me back up and tell you what happened. A couple days ago, I saw something and ever since I have been bursting at the seams to tell you about it.

Mel Robbins: I've been holding this in until I could get up here above the garage in Vermont, get on this microphone, get in front of the camera and share this with you. Because today what I want to talk about, it's going to unlock this power that is lying dormant inside you. And yes, you heard me right. You do have power.

Mel Robbins: Even if you're sitting there right now eating cheese curls on the couch, or you're feeling too lazy to get up and do anything today, or you're out there walking the dog, or maybe you're driving home from a job you hate. I don't care where you're listening to this, you have power. And I'm so excited because I saw something that motivated me, that lit a fire inside me, and it's going to help me show you how to tap into that power and yes, unlock it today. And you need to.

Mel Robbins: But before we jump in, I just want to say, thank you. Thank you for being here with me. And thank you for spending your time listening or watching something that can change your life. All right. Are you ready? Okay, good. Because you and I are cooking up something pretty hot today.

Mel Robbins: And the topic is something that I knew the second I saw this thing go viral this weekend. So you and I were in the middle of award seasons, right? For movies and for films. And I saw the most incredible acceptance speech. It went crazy viral. You maybe saw it too. It was this acceptance speech that was delivered by actor Niecy Nash-Betts.

Mel Robbins: Now, if you don't know Niecy, don't worry. I'm going to tell you a little bit about her. She is an amazing actor. She's 53 years old, so just two years younger than me. And she's been in the acting game for decades. And I want to put this acceptance speech in context because Niecy has been nominated five times for a Primetime Emmy and she's never won, which means she has lost four times.

Mel Robbins: And if you're hearing my voice right now, I guarantee you at some point in your life, you have experienced a string of losses. Maybe you've gone through four relationships in a row that all ended up in a breakup or maybe you've had four different career changes or you've tried four different medications or you've been passed over at work for at least four different types of jobs or promotions or maybe you've been searching for a house and you have been turned down four different times.

Mel Robbins: And I say that because I want to put what you're about to hear in context. I want you to think about what it must feel like to be Niecy. Here you are, you're an actor. This is your dream. You're 53 years old. You have been working at your craft day in and day out and you get nominated for awards. In fact, you get nominated for the Primetime Emmys four times. And four times you show up, you sit on national television, they got a camera pointed right at your face, you're all dressed up, you're sitting there in the audience, there's all these other actors around, and four times in a row, they announce someone else's name as the winner.

Mel Robbins: Whoa. Now look, I know you're supposed to be grateful that you're even nominated, right? But can we just be honest among friends here? It freaking sucks to lose. That is not an easy position to be in, right? Because here you are, you're now at the fifth award ceremony and if I'm Niecy and I'm sitting there dressed up to the nines, I will be thinking, because I want to manage my disappointment, I'm sitting in the audience and I'm thinking, don't get your hopes up. Just put that expression on your face, lock in the smile because you know that this is not going to happen. You've experienced this four times where someone else's name is called. And in today's world, I do not want my facial reaction to become some kind of a meme when I'm all like disappointed.

Mel Robbins: And then all of a sudden, boom, they announce her name. She wins the Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress for the series *Dahmer*. And here's why I wanted to talk about this. Because when Niecy stepped up to that mic, she was like a heat-seeking missile of motivation. And I want you to hear it. I'm going to take you through parts of her acceptance speech step-by-step. Because there is something here for you and me to learn as we listen.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [From acceptance speech] I'm a winner, baby! Thank you to the Most High for this divine moment. Thank you, Ryan Murphy, for seeing me. Netflix, every single person who voted for me. Thank you, my better half, who picked me up when I was gutted from this work. Thank you.

Mel Robbins: That last sentence is takeaway number one. No one tells you that pursuing the things that you love, pursuing the things that you want to do, pursuing the changes you want to make, there will be days that it guts you. It's true. Do not expect your life to be a cakewalk. And do not expect those changes or the ambitions that you have to be easy or to be fun.

Mel Robbins: Because here's what I've learned. And I've learned this the hard way. Nothing in life that is worth doing is a walk in the park. In fact, it's the opposite. The higher the stakes, the bigger the battle. And it's important to understand who you're up against, who you're battling, because you want to know who you're not battling. You're not battling other actors. You're not battling other people in your company. You're not battling your friends or anyone in your industry.

Mel Robbins: You are in a battle with yourself because here you have all these hopes and dreams and these expectations and these ambitions. And that's the future you. That's the future you that sees what's possible. And yet every single day, you have to drag yourself out of bed. You got to do the work. Then you got to come home. You got to feed the dogs. You got to wash the dishes. You got to pay the bills. And some days, some days turn out pretty amazing, don't they? But a lot of days, they just suck. Some days, you're going to be gutted.

Mel Robbins: And so if you're fighting that battle right now, and you're working on making changes, or you're going after something, or you're chasing down those ambitions, and let me tell you something, you probably are, because you listened to the Mel Robbins podcast. I want you to hear this loud and clear. Expect it to suck. Expect it to be a battle. Expect days where you feel gutted at the end of the day because it is harder than you could possibly imagine. And then you got to do the hard part. You got to get up tomorrow morning and do it again.

Mel Robbins: And we don't talk about this part enough that when the work is worth doing to you, it's hard. Whether the work for you is trying to get in better shape, or maybe you're trying to get some aspect of your health under control, or you're trying to write a book, or maybe you are a working actor, or perhaps you want to go back to school and get a degree. I need you to understand, expect from the beginning, this is not going to be a cakewalk. Expect a battle. And I'm going to talk more about that battle in a minute, but I want to go back to her acceptance speech because she was just getting started.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [From acceptance speech] And you know who I want to thank? I want to thank me. For believing in me and doing what they said I could not do. And I want to say to myself in front of all you beautiful people, go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that.

Mel Robbins: I love that. Go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that. You know what else Niecy just did? Niecy just gave you a master class in self-esteem. What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And being able to thank yourself for doing the work, being able to thank yourself for believing in yourself, for doing what people said you would not be able to do, that's self-esteem. And you and I need to know how to do that for ourselves.

Mel Robbins: Self-esteem is critical because when you value yourself, you not only prop yourself up, but you also pave the way for other people to feel valued too. You lead by example. And Niecy gives a beautiful nod to that at the end of her acceptance speech.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [From acceptance speech] I accept this award on behalf of every Black and brown woman who has gone unheard yet over-policed like Glenda Cleveland, like Sandra Bland, like Breonna Taylor. As an artist, my job is to speak truth to power. And baby, I'm going to do it to the day I die.

Mel Robbins: I love that part so much where she says, as an artist, my job is to speak truth to power. Now, here's what I want you to consider. It's not just the job of an artist to speak truth to power. It is the job of each and every one of us to speak our truth. Because it's only through speaking your truth that you unlock your power. And thanking yourself for everything that you do. Thanking yourself. That is an example of speaking your truth.

Mel Robbins: Thanking yourself for fighting the battles that you fight, for picking yourself up when you feel gutted, for opening your mouth and saying what needs to be said. That is exactly how that power that's inside you, you know it's in there. That's how that power gets unleashed. And one of the big takeaways for me in really experiencing the force that she was in that moment, you can feel it coming through that microphone, right? Is just notice how powerful it is to hear someone thank themselves. I mean, you don't hear that, do you? You don't ever hear somebody say that.

Mel Robbins: And you're so quick to give the thanks to everybody else, to give all the credit away. And yeah, you should thank people that help you. But don't you dare forget the one person that knows exactly how hard it was for you to keep showing up. And that's what I want you to learn how to do today with me. You need to learn to thank yourself in the moments when you're winning and you got to learn how to thank yourself in the moments where you feel gutted.

Mel Robbins: Now, here's what's interesting. The second Niecy stepped off the stage, everyone was so blown away by her force and her presence and her passion and her words on stage that almost immediately she was asked by an interviewer, Niecy, why was it so important for you to take that moment? Well, I'll tell you what. If you thought that moment she shared on stage was powerful, you better stick around because it was nothing compared to what she said next. Stay with me.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [From acceptance speech] And you know who I want to thank? I want to thank me.

Mel Robbins: That was Niecy Nash-Betts, an actor accepting the Primetime Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actress. And I'm Mel Robbins. I'm so glad that you're here with me today because we are talking about the importance of self-esteem and as far as I'm concerned, Niecy Nash-Betts just gave a master class in it in her acceptance speech. And I'm unpacking the lessons step by step.

Mel Robbins: So we've already talked about what she said on stage. But what I find more interesting is that when she got off stage and somebody put a microphone in front of her and said, during your acceptance speech, you thanked yourself. You gave yourself the recognition you deserve, which is something that women, especially Black women, can struggle to do. Why is it important for you to take that moment? And I really want you to pay attention to what she said.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [In interview] I'm the only one who knows what it costs me. I'm the only one who knows how many nights I cry because I couldn't be seen for a certain type of role. I'm the one who knows what it's like to go through divorce on camera and still have to pull up and show out. And you still got to go home and you had children and a whole life.

Mel Robbins: Now if you're watching on YouTube you can see me nodding right now. But I guarantee as you're hearing my words and you're listening with me right now, you are nodding along. I'm the only one who knows what it cost me. I'm the only one who knows what it's like to go through what I had to go through to be here in this moment. And you are the only one who knows what it's like to be you. You are the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you had to go through for you to be here with me in this very moment.

Mel Robbins: You know, it's so easy to forget that people only see what you're doing on the outside. Nobody but you knows the battle that you've been fighting on the inside, how often you feel defeated, how you struggle to believe in yourself, or the problems and the challenges that you have in your personal life. And yet when you walk out the door, you slap a smile on your face, carry it all on the inside.

Mel Robbins: I mean, heck, just think about how challenging it can be some days to just get through the day, especially for we women. I mean, we're the ones that are usually taking care of the kids and the dogs and the aging parents and the to-do list and the grocery shopping and the cooking and trying to do it all at work and trying to do it all at home and got to put a smile on your face. I mean, it's exhausting.

Mel Robbins: So today, let's talk about self-esteem. Let's talk about how you value yourself. And here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to ask you to stop and not only think about the credit that you deserve, but I'm going to ask you to give yourself some credit. I want you to think about yourself. I mean, just how far you've come, how hard you've worked, all the things that you deserve to feel proud of. I bet there are things that you've been dealing with or that you've overcome or that you're currently living through right now that most people in your life don't have a clue about. That's the truth.

Mel Robbins: So let's take a moment and listen to what Niecy says next, because thanking yourself is speaking the truth. It is a form of power. Being proud of yourself, especially if you haven't won yet, just being proud of yourself that you're still trying. Trying. Being proud for simply taking the time to even listen to this conversation right now. Because you know it's going to help you feel better. That's the truth I'm talking about. So I want you to hear a few other things that she said. Because I believe it will strike a chord with you too.

Niecy Nash-Betts: [In interview] I'm proud that I did something that people said I could not do. Because I believed in me. Believe in yourself and congratulate yourself. And that's why it's not called mama esteem, them esteem, us esteem. It's called self-esteem because nobody got to believe it but you.

Mel Robbins: I am just smiling ear to ear. It's not called them esteem or us esteem. It's called self-esteem because nobody has to believe it but you. So how about you and I take a minute right now? How about we do a little acceptance speech together? I'm dead serious about this. I know I have crazy ideas, but you've come to expect that from your friend Mel.

Mel Robbins: As you're walking the dog right now, or you're listening to me in the car, or maybe you're playing this at home on YouTube in the background, just stop for a second and indulge your friend Mel Robbins. I want you to imagine that I am handing you an award right now. What's the award for? Mel Robbins is giving you a Lifetime Achievement Award. What do you want to thank yourself for? What is it that you got yourself through? Whatever it is that nobody knows that you dealt with, I'm going to tell you something. You were here. You're still chipping away at it. You are still working hard to create something better for yourself. And in my mind, that means you deserve a Lifetime Achievement Award every damn day. So thank yourself.

Mel Robbins: I deserve one too. And so I'll go first, okay? And I hope that what I say inspires you to think about what you need to thank yourself for. So I want to thank myself. Thank you, Mel. Thank you for doing the work to become a better person. And, you know, for you listening to me right now, you have no clue how freaking toxic I used to be. I'm talking lying, cheating, people pleasing. I was crazy jealous, insecure.

Mel Robbins: So I want to thank myself, Mel Robbins. I want to thank you for living with that crap for 40 years, for tolerating that shit day in and day out, for living with that self-hatred. And you know what? While you were living with that self-hatred, woman, nobody knew on the outside, but you sure did. And then I want to thank myself for getting sick and tired of all the lying and cheating and people pleasing and jealousy and insecurity. And I want to thank myself for deciding, you got to be different.

Mel Robbins: I want to thank myself for how at the lowest points in my life, when I didn't want to get out of bed or face the stack of bills or deal with unemployment or how much I freaking hated my husband, that I actually dragged myself out of bed. I did that. There was no cheering squad. There was no marching band. I want to thank myself for getting into therapy. I did that. Nobody told me to go. Nobody paid for it. I decided I wanted to be better and I did something about it. Thank you, Mel Robbins, for taking care of yourself.

Mel Robbins: And you know what else? While we're on it, I want to thank myself for moving to a state in the middle of freaking nowhere when I didn't want to. You know why I did that? I did that because I'm a great mom. I did it for my son. I did it for my husband. I didn't do that for myself. And I'm going to tell you something. It sucked. It sucked for about two years. It sucked. And I'm going to tell you, it was so hard to leave my old life behind. But I kept showing up every day, not knowing how it would turn out. I'm proud of myself. I did that. I got to say, it feels really good to thank yourself like that.

Mel Robbins: So now it's your turn. Seriously, what do you want to thank yourself for? What have you pushed through? Thank yourself for that. What are the things you're chipping away at? Where nobody sees you and the progress that you're slowly making. Thank yourself for that. Thank yourself for the work that you do to heal. Thank yourself for the time that you take for your hobbies and to see your friends. And thank yourself for taking the time to be here with me right now.

Mel Robbins: I mean, you made a decision to listen to this and I'd like to think it's because you like hanging out with me and because you know when you listen, it helps you improve your life. Thank you. I mean, you could have been sitting on the couch, zoned out, playing video games, smoking a joint, scrolling social media, but you're not doing that. So thank yourself. Seriously. Go ahead. Doesn't it feel good? It's true, isn't it? You deserve to be thanked. It feels powerful to acknowledge yourself.

Mel Robbins: And I also want you to do this because it creates a ripple effect. I mean, look at Niecy inspiring me, and it's so easy to call out what everybody else is doing and point out their small wins, but the fact is we all need to know how to do this. Because when you start to thank yourself and claim a win, even on those days when it looks like you're losing or you feel gutted, it's powerful.

Mel Robbins: And I want to give you a simple example of just how easy this is and how you need to make this part of your daily life. So we have this family group chat. It's Chris and me and our three adult kids. And just before I was about to get on the microphone to talk to you, the chat pings and Oakley, our son, has texted in the family chat. And let me give you a little bit of background.

Mel Robbins: So Oakley is on his ski team for his public high school here in Vermont. And we always joke because his peers elected him captain of the ski team, which is kind of a joke because he's the worst skier on the team. And I know nothing about ski racing, but what I've come to learn is that when you are the worst person on the team, you go last at every single race. And going last at a ski race, it's like the hardest thing on the planet to do because by the time you go, a hundred racers have already gone down the exact same course, which means they have carved the mountain into a solid ice luge run that you are now going to go down last as everybody's watching.

Mel Robbins: So here he is. He's been at this big regional ski race with all the public high school teams in the state. He's competing against all these other kids. We were waiting to hear how it went. And all of a sudden this text pops up. This is what he said. So they set me up as the last skier. I got a DNF, which means did not finish. He went down the ice luge last, did not even finish. This is what he texts next: "But it meant I was skiing really hard and in the video they recorded it looked like I was pretty good so I'm happy. That's a win for me."

Mel Robbins: I love that line. "That's a win for me." Now see, most of us, let's admit, you and I, if we were the last on the ski team and we did not even finish the race, like we turned a gate and just completely went in the wrong direction, you and I would not say that's a win for me. We would count that as a loss. This is the power of telling the truth. This is the power of acknowledging yourself.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Let's go back to the definition of self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And what's so cool in that text is Oakley clearly understands something. He understands what I'm trying to communicate to you, that he's not competing against the other skiers. He is only ever competing against himself. And when you look at it that way, it is so easy to start thanking yourself for doing the work, even on the days when you don't even finish. You can still thank yourself. You can count it as a win because you went for it.

Mel Robbins: And so it begs the question, when you are fighting against yourself, what exactly does that mean? Well, in order to truly break this down, I'm going to pull in one of the people that really motivates me. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about David Goggins, the Navy SEAL, bestselling author, and F-bomb dropping David Goggins. Do not go anywhere because we are going to talk about what it means when it's you against you. And I'm just getting warmed up and you definitely do not want to miss this next part.

[Break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so thrilled that you stuck through the break, that you are still here with me. We are just cranking up the motivation engine right now. I hope that you are taking the time to share this with people in your life. Seriously, you can do that while you're listening to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast because everybody on the planet needs this reminder.

Mel Robbins: The reminder that self-esteem is critical, how you value and perceive yourself, and that thanking yourself, particularly on those days when you are not feeling great, when you just tried your best, but you didn't finish, that's how you tap into the truth. That's how you unlock power. And it's also how you motivate yourself to keep going.

Mel Robbins: Now you and I have already been talking about the powerful example that Niecy Nash-Betts gave us at her Primetime Emmy acceptance speech. And once I heard that speech, I thought, I got to tell you. And the very next morning, I hop on the treadmill. This was over the weekend. I put on my headphones. I turn on this interview and I'm listening to somebody I love. And that's David Goggins.

Mel Robbins: Now, David Goggins, Navy SEAL, bestselling author, and he's doing this interview with someone else I listen to. You might listen to him too, Stanford professor Andrew Huberman. I freaking love David Goggins because of everybody that I know in the personal development, life optimization, research, science space, I think David's message is the closest to what I'm trying to convey to you every time we talk.

Mel Robbins: And look, I'm not a Navy SEAL. I don't swear as much as he does, although some of you think I do. But his message is always about action, that you cannot sit around and wait to feel like it, that there is always some level of resistance or friction or suckiness or pain in the way between you and the things that you need to do in order to change your life, in order to reach your potential. And that's what I believe too. I tell you that every single time that you and I are talking, action, action, action. I even say that this is not just a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. I tell you to expect it to be hard because when you expect it to be hard, and it is hard, it doesn't derail you because you're smart. You saw it coming. You expected this, so you pushed through it.

Mel Robbins: And so here I am. I'm on the treadmill. It's literally the next morning after I've decided we're going to have this conversation and we're going to talk about Niecy's acceptance speech. And I'm listening to him as I'm walking. And it's as if the universe planted him right in my ears because he picked up right where Niecy left off. Niecy was talking about believing in yourself, that you got to just spoon feed that stuff to yourself, that you got to thank yourself for doing the work. But it begs the question, how do you believe in yourself? Well, the answer is simple. You have to act as if you believe in yourself, even when you don't.

Mel Robbins: What does that mean, Mel? It means you have to get out the door and start that walk before you feel motivated to get out the door and start that walk. It means you have to quit drinking before you actually feel like or want to. It means you have to apply for that job or apply to the school, even though you're not sure you're going to get accepted. The action comes before the belief. It's the action that creates it. And in the case of Niecy, on those days when she felt gutted, she didn't lay there on the floor for the next 10 years. She got back up. She pushed herself forward. She took action.

Mel Robbins: And you know, the fact is no one wants to hear this. Everybody wants the hack or the three this or the other thing or the blah, blah, blah, give me the easy thing. No, I'm sorry. But some days it's not easy. In fact, most days it's not. And the reason why it's not going to be easy is because every single day, there will be at least one moment when you feel self-doubt or you feel friction. That stuff is always going to be there. You got to learn how to push through those temporary emotions. You got to learn how to pick yourself back up and slowly keep going and moving forward. That's how you spoon feed belief in yourself. Thinking will not create belief in yourself.

Mel Robbins: So let's go back to David Goggins. Here I am on the treadmill, walking, walking, walking. And he's talking in this interview about the fact that every day is a battle. That's why whenever you see David Goggins on social media, he's usually doing one of those running videos. He drops about 15 F-bombs every 60 seconds. But here's what everybody gets wrong. He's not swearing at you. He's swearing at himself. And if you don't know his story, it's freaking incredible. You have to listen to his audiobook.

Mel Robbins: David Goggins, before he was a Navy SEAL. Check this out. The guy was 300 pounds. He was an exterminator in Indiana. He had suffered extreme childhood abuse and trauma. He's basically illiterate because of his learning disabilities. He's terrified of water, but deep down inside as a 300 pound exterminator, terrified of water. You want to know what his dream was?

Mel Robbins: He wanted to become a Navy SEAL. And the long and the short of it is, you got it, you got to listen to his audiobook. He did what seems impossible. He decided he was going to do it, and he not only lost the weight in the amount of time—which was a crazy amount of time for him to lose the weight to make the weight requirement to even be allowed to get into the training—he passed the written test, and then he went through the BUDS Navy SEAL training. Not once, failed. Not twice, failed. But three freaking times until he passed. I mean, un-freaking-believable story. It will motivate you unlike any other story will motivate you.

Mel Robbins: And what you see on the outside when you listen to him is you see this drive, and you're just like, "Oh my God, this guy must've been born with motivation and discipline and the mindset and all this stuff." And he's like, "No way, no fricking way. I battle for this every single day." He said this thing in the interview. He was talking about how you cultivate self-belief and self-doubt. And this part of the interview comes up, and they kind of joke, and it's not really funny, but it's true. He said, "There's a cure for alcoholism. The problem is it only works one day at a time. The same thing is true for self-doubt. There's a cure for self-doubt, but it only works one day at a time. You have to battle self-doubt. The cure is your actions. You prove your self-doubt wrong every single day."

Mel Robbins: And so I want to share with you one of my favorite moments from this interview. "There's no hacks, bro. It's you against you. You against you. And if you misunderstand that, you have a real problem. This has to be in you. Something in you has to wake up. And usually the only person that can wake it up is you. If you're watching me on YouTube, you're watching me not up and down." He's right. He is right. There has to be something in you. And so first of all, I want to say there is something in you. That's why you listen to this podcast. But you are the only person that can wake it up.

Mel Robbins: And if you want to tap into something bigger inside of you—whether that's winning a Primetime Emmy, or getting into that school, or healing whatever you need to heal, or making millions of dollars—you have to figure out how to wake up, how to push yourself every day. And you got to figure out how to keep going on those days when you feel gutted. Because the only reason why someone doesn't give up on those days when they wake up and they don't feel like it, and it's the fourth rejection in a row, is because somewhere deep down inside of you, you still believe. In fact, you know. You know the truth. And the truth is that despite how hard this may be, despite how much this sucks right now, despite how slow—oh my God, it's so slow, the progress, ugh—you know that someday you're going to look up and this will all have been worth it. That it's worth it to just wake up every day and fight the battle. And Goggins just told you who the fight is with. It's you against you.

Mel Robbins: I want to stop on this idea because I think it's really important to dig deep into this concept, "you against you," and unpack what this means. Because when you first hear "you against you," I bet you made the mistake I made, which is you think, "Oh, it's me against me in this moment, how I feel in this moment." That's not actually what I'm talking about. This goes so much deeper. And I've pulled this apart with my family because everybody in our family listened to this. In particular, I had a two-hour conversation with our daughter, Kendall, which I'll get into in a moment. But here's what "you against you" means.

Mel Robbins: There is a past version of you that you are going to have to battle for the rest of your freaking life. And for Goggins, he is in a battle with the 300-pound lazy piece of shit—those are his words, not mine—that he used to be. That's who he's in a battle with every day. That's who he's swearing at when he's online on social media. And it's so important for you to realize there's a version of you in the past that is still in there inside of you in your day-to-day life. If you stop and take the time to really identify what past version of you is still chirping in your ear right now, bringing self-doubt, insecurity to the table, when you can identify that version of you, you now know who you're fighting.

Mel Robbins: And I mentioned that I've been talking with my daughter Kendall about this. Here's a little bit of background. We've been talking about it because she's a singer-songwriter. She studied this in college. She has been working for months and months and months on her brand new single. Once you hear this, her new single "Pastime," it will be out. And so she listens to the Goggins interview, and we really start talking about this, you're battling against yourself. And nobody sees this because on the outside, from my standpoint, I can't understand why she feels so insecure about putting herself out there. Like, she's got her song coming out. She knows what she needs to do. She's got to start promoting her brand new single, "Pastime." She's got to start creating reels and TikTok things. And that's how people get discovered. And she's done all the work. Now it's the moment to thank herself and celebrate and start posting. She has been hesitant to do it.

Mel Robbins: And you're the same way. Do you know how many of you write in and say, "Mel, I'm a real estate agent. I'm a personal trainer. I'm a coach. I have this thing to market. And I'm scared to put myself online. I don't want to promote myself. I'm afraid of what my friends are going to think." You want to know why? Because an old version of you is keeping you feeling insecure and small. I want you to think about this for a minute. Think about the ways in which you're holding yourself back. You know what your goals are. You know what you want. And yet you feel insecure about doing the things you need to do to do it. In my daughter's case, she knows. The song's insanely amazing. And she's got something she's proud of. You've got something that is insanely amazing. You're afraid to talk about it.

Mel Robbins: And so we got into this conversation about the "you against you." And I said to her, "Well, what version of you is holding you back? Who is actually talking to you when you go to post on social media?" And she knew immediately. And you probably will know immediately too, if you really stop and say, "What version of me is holding myself back from walking back into a gym? What version of me is holding myself back from applying for this job? What version of me is trashing myself right now?" And for Kendall, it was her sophomore year in college. Just listen to her describe who she was sophomore year. Insecure, chasing the wrong friend group, a social climber, worried, paralyzed about what everybody else thinks, scared to be the biggest, brightest version of herself, scared of people judging her. Now, even though that was three years ago, that's who she's battling every single day in her life right now. And once you know who you're battling, you can win. You can win.

Mel Robbins: And you want to know who I'm battling? Well, buckle up because this could get really dark really fast, but I'm going to try to keep this light because I think I finally figured it out. I really like this construct of "you against you." So when I was in the fourth grade, my family wanted this really big ski vacation with a bunch of other families. And I woke up with an older kid on top of me. And even though it wasn't that severe of an incident, it changed my life forever. And the very next morning, that nine-year-old me woke up, and in my little brain, my fourth-grade brain, I believed I had done something wrong. I believed that if I told the adults what had happened, the truth, that people would get mad at me, that people would be upset with me, that I would somehow get in trouble. Obviously, that's not true, but I internalized that in my little brain.

Mel Robbins: And I'll tell you something, I have been battling that version of me for almost my entire life. And I'll probably battle that version of me forever because every single morning when the alarm rings, do you know who's there? It's not 55-year-old Mel Robbins. I wake up and that freaking fourth-grade version of me is what I feel. Anxious, nervous, insecure. I wake up literally feeling like I've done something wrong every single morning. I'm worried about everybody else's feelings. I'm worried about upsetting somebody. That is the version of me that I'm always battling. And I'm going to tell you something, I am so freaking done with that. Just like Kendall is so done with the person she was three years ago. And it was so liberating to see her identify, "Oh, it's the sophomore me," because she's like, "I don't want that person running my life right now." And just like you are so done. When you figure out the version of you, you're going to be like, "What? You? No way."

Mel Robbins: That's the battle I'm talking about. And you got to bring that to the surface because otherwise that version of you, they like lurk around like some creep. And next thing you know, they creep back in and steal that lifetime achievement award right out of your hands. That's the battle I'm talking about. And it just happens like that. And you want to know the secret? You want to know the secret to everything? You identify that version of you and all you got to do is outwork them. Just outwork them.

Mel Robbins: I'm going to give you two examples. Every single morning for me, the alarm rings, and it's like, "Oh, here we go again. Here's that little fourth-grade version of me." And whenever I feel that, "Oh, I've done something wrong. Someone's mad at me, insecure." I'm like, "Not today. Not today, Mel Robbins. Five, four, three, two, one. I am getting up." This is why I work so hard. This is why I constantly take on new things. This is why I have worked so hard to eradicate people pleasing. Let them feel what they want to feel. Adults need to be adults. I do not need to be responsible for your emotions. This is why I roll out of bed. I go to the gym. I do the things I don't feel like doing. I keep pushing past my insecurities. I'm not doing anything to prove anything to you. I am battling the old me. That's what I'm doing every single day. That I am bigger and better and stronger. And you know what? So are you. You are bigger and better and stronger than that old version of you and you freaking know it. So start proving it.

Mel Robbins: When you really take it on as "I'm battling an old version of myself, I am outgrowing that bullshit," it is one of the most meaningful things that you can do in life. Because you really start to tap into this potential that you've left on the table. I know everybody says you've got to serve others, and you do, but there's something so fulfilling about not letting whatever you want to call yourself—version of you—rob you of who you are meant to become. It's no joke when you feel like there's something more in store for you because you are more than that old you. And when you let the old versions of you win, you leave all of that potential inside of you. It's like locked in there.

Mel Robbins: And I can give you another example. The second that Kendall identified, "Oh, it's sophomore in college version of me. That's who I'm losing the battle to. That's why I'm not posting about my song. That's why I'm not promoting myself. That's why I'm not putting myself out there, because I'm losing the battle." The second she identified that, holy smokes, this kid's been on fire. She goes to create a post, post, and you know what? It's working. She's been posting. I'm so freaking proud of her. You've been hearing snippets of it in and out of the breaks. And since she's not here to thank herself, thank you, Kendall. Thank you for fighting the battle of you against you.

Mel Robbins: And here's the thing. It's not a one and done. Just because you win the battle one day doesn't mean you're over. Because I'm telling you, I've already told her this, get ready, because whether this song takes off or not, when you go to release the second one, guess who's going to be there. Sophomore in college you. And the same is true with you. And it's also true with me, that this is a daily battle. And I love this example because I guarantee you, you don't even celebrate half the stuff that you should celebrate or share what you want to share because you're worried people will judge you. When you do that, you are losing the battle with the insecure version of you.

Mel Robbins: This is so important that you understand the word "battle," because it is a daily thing. You are going to have to push through. You're going to have to take action. You're going to have to outwork that old you. Because the fact is, thinking about this isn't enough. You can listen to all the podcasts you want. You can go to all the events you want. You can read all the books that you want. You can get this kind of inspiration from me or from other people. But until you understand that you got to take this and you got to take it into your life, and then you got to take the actions and you got to outwork the old self and you got to stop blaming other people. Here we are blaming other people as if they're the reason that we're not getting what we want. That somehow other people's judgment is what's holding me back. Bullshit. The old insecure version of you is what's holding yourself back.

Mel Robbins: So you now know what I mean by battle. You now know what I mean when I say it's you against you. And if you have this sense that something is missing, that you're meant for more, that you should be putting yourself out there, you're right. You are meant for more. You should be putting yourself out there. And if you want to discover what's missing, if you want to tap into your full potential, you want to get as much as you can out of your life, prove it. Not to me. Prove it to yourself. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to win that battle of you against you every single freaking day. Now go do it.

[Music: Kendall's song "Pastime" plays]

[Song Lyrics:] Waking up and it's yesterday I'm looking forward to last week Can't keep track of the time Months gone by and you're yet to have me You were already moving on Way before you were leading me on I think you're doing it wrong But you never asked me It was sweeter than caramel But I got carried away You never cared about a word I said Really wanted to talk to you And even act like you wanted to And I just wanted to hear about What you was thinking about You talked your way around everything I just wanted to know the truth And I think that you know it too Baby, I feel like I was a pastime Go ahead and act like you was gonna stay Baby, I feel like had you known what you had No, nothing could have made you say You felt the same way that I do Decided the same day I met you I was a pastime, wasn't I? And it's about damn time that I knew I knew I knew Wondering what you were ready for Not talking about this relationship between us I mean to say I seen love was looking your way Wondering why you were looking away Just don't understand your objections Said it's a body connection That's hearsay, evidence clearly state Sex wasn't even in question It's a close care, yeah Cause it was sweeter than caramel But we got carried away I got a sweet tooth, you just gave me a taste Really wanted to make it too That was more than enough for you And I just wanted to be around But how I'm seeing it now You were nowhere to be found Not for a day, second I lay my eye on you You were looking for something new Baby, I feel like I was a pastime Go ahead and act like it was gonna stay Baby, I feel like had you know what you had No, nothing could have made you say You felt the same way that I do Decided the same day I met you How was the past time, wasn't I? Heading to bow down, tell me that I knew I was thinking it's one of a kind You were thinking it wasn't right Blame myself for thinking you was gonna be mine Never spoken a word of the truth Got the courage to say it to you Ooh See what I know is I can't deny I know that I was a pastime Go ahead and act like it was gonna say Baby I feel like had you known what you had No, nothing could have made you say You felt the same way that I do Decided the same day I met you I was a past time, wasn't I? And it's about a damn time that I knew I feel like I was a past time No, I didn't make my view what's gonna say I knew I feel like I had you known what you had known Nothing could have made you say You felt the same way that I do Decided the same day I met you

[Music fades out]

Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language, you know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.