2 Ways to Take Your Power Back When You Feel Insecure

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm so excited to talk to you today because there is something unfolding in real time right now with one of our daughters who lives out in Los Angeles. She's 21 years old, and right now she's sitting in class and she's texting me. And she's texting me about an issue that I know that you can relate to, or someone in your life is going through this right now. I mean, she's literally blowing up my phone with text because she does not know what to do.

Mel Robbins: What's the topic? Wow. Well, the topic is this. What do you do when someone that you like suddenly starts having a crush on one of your friends? That's what's going down in real time. I've got the text messages. And when she gets out of class, I'm going to try to track her down and see if she can unpack this situation with you and me in real time live.

Mel Robbins: And here's the thing. This is much bigger than the topic of someone you like suddenly liking one of your friends. This is really about being in the middle of an emotional tsunami where you find that you're starting to lose yourself. And you're trying so hard to get your own power back as you've been blindsided by some issue in your life. That's what's going down in real time. So whether you're facing this exact situation right now or you're trying to support somebody who is, we have all had moments where you get news that just sends the emotions through your body. And we're gonna work through it in real time on today's episode.

Mel Robbins: Before we get into that, I just want to take a minute. Thank you. I mean, your feedback so far on the Mel Robbins podcast has blown me away. This is a brand new show and we are becoming a mighty show because of you. And I wanted to do this podcast because I wanted to share my life in a more intimate and real-time way with you in a way that I can't do in audiobooks and on YouTube or in the short-form content that you see on social media. I wanted to go deeper into the everyday stuff that knocks us on our ass or that gives us hope and inspiration.

Mel Robbins: And every time you share an episode or I see you posting them and sharing them on your social media pages, you are helping to create a ripple effect of change. So many of us want to make a difference in the world. And if you hear something on this show that moves you, that inspires you, that empowers you, that makes you laugh, that makes you feel a little bit less alone and you share it with somebody else, you are part of a force for good and for fun. So I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, for giving me your most precious commodity which is your time and your trust. Together we are gonna do incredible things and we are just getting started.

Mel Robbins: Now, that said, so many of you are also blowing up my DMs on Instagram and comments on TikTok and the comments on YouTube and Messenger and on Facebook and hitting the inbox. So I want to tell you something. I want you to help me program this show. Please, if you got ideas, if when you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast, you're like, "Oh my gosh, I got an idea for Mel," please go to melrobbins.com slash podcast. That's right. Go to my website, melrobbins.com slash podcast. And right there, you will see that there are two forms that we have created just for you.

Mel Robbins: One of the forms is a form for you to recommend an expert, an author, a friend, somebody that you would love for me, Mel Robbins, to dig deeper with on some subject that you care about. That's form number one. Form number two is topics, baby. Give me your topics, whether it's a problem you're facing and you need advice or there's something that you just wish that we would take our secret sauce of entertaining, unpacking advice and go to work researching this topic for you and bringing you the most entertaining, science-backed, and relatable way to approach the things that you're dealing with.

Mel Robbins: So that said, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. I believe in you. I love having your partnership and support. It means everything to me and it provides so much motivation for our team to go even deeper, get more creative and keep showing up for you. So I love you. Thank you.

Mel Robbins: All right. Now let's get into this topic. Okay. So I am in Salt Lake City and I'm about to give a speech. And as I landed here in Salt Lake City, my phone, when it came back online, started to blow up. And it was text messages from our daughter, who is a senior in college. Her name is Kendall. And she is a music student. And she aspires to be a singer songwriter. And that piece of information is important, because it relates to the heartbreak, the confusion and the entanglement issues she is going through.

Mel Robbins: So what is the issue? The issue is she was really interested in somebody in her program. And they were collaborating as musicians, they were hooking up, they had a really fun relationship, they really cared about each other. And as these things do, it kind of fizzled out. And recently, there has been a new friend that has come into her life that's also a musician that has been extremely helpful in collaboration. And Ken's all excited. And in fact, a week ago, she called me and said, "You're never going to believe this. I met the coolest woman. She wants to do sessions together. She wants to work on music together. I feel so energized."

Mel Robbins: And now Kendall's texting me because she found out a piece of information yesterday and it has rocked her world. So at 11:43 AM, my daughter texts me and says, "Mom, I got to call you later. I found out some tea and I'm hashtag sad." And then I said, "Let me guess. Brendan has a girlfriend. That's her high school sweetheart who they've both committed to marrying each other if they're both single still in their thirties. Is that it? Tell me the tea. I just got off a plane."

Mel Robbins: She says, "No, ha ha ha. Remember how I told you my friend wants to help me book sessions and do management stuff?" I said, "Yep." She says, "And come on, you already tease when it comes to this kind of stuff. Lay it on me." She says, "Sorry, I'm in class. Basically, it's a long story, but she now has a crush on... I'm going to make up a name because I don't want to disclose their names. She has a crush on... what name should we use, everybody? Steve. She has a crush on Steve."

Mel Robbins: "Steve? Steve. Okay." She says, "Basically, it's a long story, but she has a crush on Steve and he has a crush on her because they've done a few sessions together because she needed help on a song she wrote for a class. And I just know that this is the universe giving me a test because the fact that she just waltzed into my life, wants to be a bigger part of my life and she just so happens to be now developing a crush on this boy I have history with and have made really good music with. This mom is not a coincidence. But I'll admit I did have a big ugly cry last night because she's fucking gorgeous and they haven't even hooked up yet. And he's already telling our friend Maria that he's crushing on this girl too. Like bro, we hooked up for six months and he never said those words to Maria. So now I just feel like he was only in it with me for the sex. Like wow. Now I have to give myself some props."

Mel Robbins: I have been working on not trying to jump in and solve my kids' problems. This is so hard for me to do. My anxiety and my need to fix things and my need to make sure my kids are okay has me, I typically in this situation jump in and be like, "Here's what you need to do. And here's that." But I've been working on using my own five second rule. Count backwards. Five, four, three, two, one. Put yourself in pause. And then I choose a different response. And my response now is to not correct a situation, but to seek connection. And so I put myself in pause. I'm so proud of myself for this. You've got to try this with the people in your life. And instead of offering a solution, I just offered connection and said, "Well, that fucking sucks. I hate it when the universe does that."

Mel Robbins: And then she said, "Like, what am I supposed to make of this, mom?" I put myself in pause. I did not offer a solution and I said, "I don't know. What do you think you're supposed to make of this?" Can we just say good job, Mel Robbins? Like I feel like okay, this is a huge leap in my parenting skills. She says, "Well, it almost feels like a test." And then I say, "Do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking?" And she says, "Yes." And I said, "I agree. I think it's a test about how serious you are about music."

Mel Robbins: And then she says, "It's also confusing because they're both so serious about music, which is why I think they're like into each other. And it's almost confronting for me in a way." And then I wrote, "Every relationship is a test. This one is saying don't test me, I'm just fine on my own. Hey, wouldn't this be a great Lizzo song?" This moment she says, "I know, but this is just so fortunate unfortunate. I know that this is just the universe, mom. All I have been manifesting is devotion to my work and music above all else. And clearly this is just a test of that manifesting because they are two people who wanna help me make progress in my music career. And now that they could potentially get involved with one another, it's a test to try and shift my attention and question both of their roles and if I actually want to collaborate and use them to help me with my music career."

Mel Robbins: "I've been trying so hard all day to have an abundant mindset. Like good for them, honestly. How great it is that someone I want to produce and write with is also really into someone that I want to support, that wants to support me, believe in me, and help me grow." And then I said, "I want you to also consider energy." She said, "Expand on that." I said, "I will later. I think your energy is off now that this has happened and this is not a good sign." She says, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music with someone you have weird vibes with."

Mel Robbins: Now, I want to stop right there and unpack something for you. If you don't know what to do in life, always go in and pay attention to energy. When the energy shifts around people or relationships or anything that you're doing, that is always a sign about alignment. It's a sign for you to slow down when energy vibes shift and something feels off. As a human being, you are wired to be in alignment. You're wired to feel like things are in a groove. And clearly when you find out news like our daughter did 24 hours ago that somebody that you had been hooking up with and still have a crush on and still want to work with now has a crush on someone else and she has a crush on them, the energy is going to shift. And it's now an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, for you to seek better alignment and for you to follow the energy that feels good. That's the opportunity of a moment like this, which is why I brought up energy.

Mel Robbins: Let's go back to the text exchange, okay? "Mom, can you expand on that?" I said, "Well, I will later, but your energy is off and that's not a good sign." She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "It doesn't work for you to collaborate on music, which is something very intimate for you, with someone you have weird vibes with."

Mel Robbins: Have you ever had this situation happen to you like at work where you kind of had a crush on somebody at work, and next thing you know, you're finding out that the person you have a crush on is actually secretly dating somebody else at work, and now you don't feel like you want to work on projects with those two? That's an example of that energy being off.

Mel Robbins: And then she says, "You mean the fact that my energy has been thrown by this means that it's not a good call. But mom, I also think that I can rise above this and be above this and let them do their thing without feeling threatened."

Mel Robbins: Okay, let's stop right there. That is so true. What if you could develop the power and the self-awareness to notice in these kinds of heartbreaking and confusing situations that boom, the energy's off. "Oh my God, I'm disappointed. I'm also confronted." What if you could literally switch gears in that moment? I mean, wouldn't that be a superpower to be able to rise above that kind of thing?

Mel Robbins: And then she writes this. "Well, I don't want to be with him anyway. I mean, I just don't. I just don't want him to want her." Mic drop. Isn't that life right there? And of course I had to say, "You know, that's a song. I know you hate it when I say that, but when I read your texts, I feel like I'm reading lyrics."

Mel Robbins: So this is what we're going to do. We're going to get her on the phone. I have no idea how this is going to go. One thing I need you to know about this is that this is not staged and that I am going to try to bring you into my life. But here's one boundary I need you to know as we start to do this on this show. We will never air something that either features my kids or text messages or a friend or my husband without them listening to the episode and giving us the okay. I put that boundary in place because I want us to be able to record in a way that is spontaneous and authentic and live. And in that environment, allow people to speak freely but also to have people know that they're safe to speak freely because nothing will air that they're uncomfortable with. So it's important for me to tell you that so that you understand the steps that I'm taking to both share my life and keep this real and raw and authentic and relatable and deeply personal and also not exploit people or make them feel unsafe.

Mel Robbins: So let's see if we can get Kendall Robbins on the phone. She does not know that we are calling her. Here we go. We'll be right back.

[Transition]

Mel Robbins: So let's call Kendall. Let's get her in on this.

[Phone ringing]

Voicemail: Hi, this is Dr. Schneeberger, Kendall's grandfather. If you're a boy, hang up. Otherwise, leave a message. At the tone, please record your message.

Mel Robbins: She has had that voicemail message that my dad recorded for her since she was in ninth grade. I got to give her props for having the same outgoing message that your grandfather recorded. I mean, for eight years. Come on now. If you can roll with that through high school and college, you can roll through somebody crushing on your ex crush. That's all I'm saying. And you can also get the message in all of this mess of your life that what is hurting you is probably not meant for you. That it's time that you align your life with a new direction that energizes you and people that you're in a groove with. It's really that simple. People come and go in your life. And that doesn't mean that you're not going to be stung when they exit. Because when that door slams, sometimes your finger can get caught in it. You know what I'm saying?

Mel Robbins: So let's see if she calls us back. Oh, here we go. Okay, hold on.

[Phone connects]

Mel Robbins: Kendall. Hi.

Kendall: Hi.

Mel Robbins: Okay. So I thank you for calling me back after class. I wanted to talk to you about the texts that we were exchanging today, because it reminded... what are you doing?

Kendall: I'm eating a chocolate bar, mom. Like, sorry, I don't have a fucking podcast mic on me right now.

Mel Robbins: Okay, I'm ready. So America will wait. No, the globe will, because we have listeners and fans around the world hanging on your every word and the crumbs coming out of that chocolate bar. So I got your text today and I shared the gist of it with everybody. And after sharing the gist of it with everybody, I thought, wow, it reminded me of a moment when I was going through a really hard time and there was a bunch of my life, a bunch of things in my life that were not working the way I'd hoped they would. And you gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. Do you remember what it was?

Kendall: I do.

Mel Robbins: What was it?

Kendall: Well, I told you that the reason that you were experiencing that whatever you were experiencing, which was not a pleasant experience, was so you could get back in touch with what the people you're trying to inspire are struggling with every day. Because you're a very lucky person. You worked very hard for the life that you have, but I think you on a day-to-day basis don't really struggle the way that the people you inspire do. And I told you that the reason that you were having all these issues was because you needed to be reminded of how they feel and how you had once felt.

Mel Robbins: And if we go a level deeper and more profound on the advice, what force was actually giving me those lessons? Because in your advice, there's a presumption about something bigger and more profound. So talk about that.

Kendall: The universe.

Mel Robbins: Well, should I talk more descriptive of my own personal experience?

Kendall: Well, when you gave me that advice, because it's easy to give advice, right? Because you're not emotionally attached to the situation.

Mel Robbins: Yeah.

Kendall: And so when you gave me that advice, that the reason why these things were happening in my life that were hard and challenging and causing me a lot of pain and causing me to question people around me and what was happening, you basically said that, "Mom, your biggest mission in life is to help people. That's how you started. And because of your success, you have gotten far away from what it feels like to wake up every day and feel this level of struggle." That there was something in this challenge tied to my purpose and that a greater spiritual force and energy was behind this if I was willing to look at the challenge that way.

Mel Robbins: Yeah. Do you believe that?

Kendall: Yeah, I mean, I think it's also has a lot to do with growth and comfort and wanting to... I don't know. Because I think you and me are both inspired by and want to create things that require us to grow and to challenge ourselves every day. And it's so easy to just stay in a comfortable place, to stay in all the habits that you have, to never do shit that scares you or never interact with people or things or relationships that make you look in the mirror, make you feel insecure, make you scared, or make you angry or whatever it is.

Kendall: And I think that challenge tide that you experienced was like... I don't know. I think for me right now, I'm sort of in this place where I'm trying to... I'm going through a teeny little fucking challenge tide that's like basically a tide pool. Like it's not a tsunami. Yet. Yours was, mine was not. But I think I'm going through this challenge tide and I'm trying so hard because I want to maintain feeling aligned and because I want to embrace growth and not let this derail me. I'm trying so hard to stay in a mindset where I look at it as an opportunity instead of something that's been put... something like I'm being damned, I'm being wrong. Like it's more of like, "Okay, you know what? Thank you. This is some sort of message."

Mel Robbins: What is the message? Because let's go back to this part where you get the news that somebody that you are a new friend with is now crushing on somebody you used to crush with. And this new friend has come into my life and asked if they can pour into me basically professionally, which is like an absolute godsend. And then I find out a few days later that there's some entanglement between someone that I used to feel something for and now they might feel something for them, but I still want to utilize this new friend. I'm just playing chess. Maybe I'm playing checkers. I don't know. I don't really know how to play either one.

Mel Robbins: What's the difference?

Kendall: I don't either.

Mel Robbins: Well, I think I know how to play checkers. I'm probably playing checkers, let's be honest. But what my point is, is that it would be so easy for me to just drop a fucking bomb on this really cool person and this really cool opportunity I have with not only the ex, but the new person who's going to help me and the ex who, by the way, I also deeply, deeply respect and care about and know in my heart that I'm not supposed to be with and I'm not supposed to have a relationship with. But I think now that he and her are now entangled, it's making me go, "Wait, I kind of want him to be entangled with me again," which is not what I want. It's just my fear of rejection coming up and my ego coming up.

Kendall: But back to my point, it would be so easy for me to just fucking derail this whole thing because I'm insecure and I'm suddenly feeling like I'm in a place of resistance. And it would be harder for me.

Mel Robbins: Stop right there. Can I just ask a question?

Kendall: Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins: Can you explain to me what exactly you would do to derail this situation? What would the old... I mean, sneaky, nasty you?

Kendall: Well, I would probably just find ways to... I would probably start to avoid her. I would probably pull the plug, not pull the plug, but sort of just pump the brakes on this relationship that I'm cultivating, this relationship that I'm actively pouring more time into. I would probably pump the brakes on that.

Mel Robbins: Would you then pull the string again on the person you used to be interested in?

Kendall: Would I what on him?

Mel Robbins: Would you stoke the flame on the person you used to be interested in again?

Kendall: That would be like level zero, Kendall, because I'm not really somebody that does that after a breakup. But maybe I might. I'm more of like a cold shoulder person. Like you don't exist, I don't exist, which is not really a great tactic.

Mel Robbins: Is that like a level two?

Kendall: No, I mean, I think what I would do is I would pump the brakes on her and every time I was around him, I'd shut down. I would not collaborate with him. I would not collaborate with her and I would just feel myself in a place of resistance, in a place of shut down. I would just go to a really horrible, detrimental, negative self place that probably wouldn't be lifted for a while.

Mel Robbins: You're basically describing me in my teens and 20s and sometimes my 30s, but go ahead. And sometimes my 40s.

Kendall: Well, what I was going to say is like, when I found out about this...

Mel Robbins: How did you find out?

Kendall: Yeah, uh, that's not important. I found out. And when I found out about this, which happened quite literally yesterday, all of last night and slivers of today, I felt myself in that place. Not really acting out from that place, but in that mindset of looking in the mirror and being like, "Wow, I'm fucking ugly," or being like, "Oh, she's so much better than me, no wonder he wants her. There's no way I can collaborate with her because of this. There's no way that he's ever going to want to collaborate with me. Things are going to be awkward." Just over and over and over and over and over.

Kendall: And then I had to remind myself, "We're not doing that. We're not gonna live there. We're not gonna be in that mindset." Yada, yada, yada. But it's pretty much day one and I'm already having to train myself to not go there.

Mel Robbins: Can I ask you a question?

Kendall: Sure.

Mel Robbins: Because I think this is so incredibly relatable. And what I visualize when I think about you standing on a street corner and having the thought cross your mind or seeing them talking or having a text show up from one of them because y'all are kind of collaborating in a professional sense... you now literally find yourself at an emotional and mental crossroad. The text or seeing them or a song coming on triggers you to be at the crossroad. And the Kendall zero goes down the left-hand road and has negative thoughts that basically beat the hell out of you and tell you a story. See more evidence. See this.

Mel Robbins: And the Kendall... what number are we going to sign this?

Kendall: Fucking a hundred.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Kendall fucking a hundred. Who then looks at the other fork, which is a fork that's aligned with what you actually want, with who you're becoming, with energy that is in a groove that matches with you. And that's a whole new way of thinking and being for you. What's this been like? And since you're actively in this, how would you describe what people need to do who are in this situation? They've just found out that their ex is going on a date with their friend. They just found out that the dream job that they got or the dream school that they wanted to be in went to somebody else. And there's this moment where the way you thought things were gonna go just don't happen. And you feel the sting that you're talking about and it just causes you to start telling yourself a very old story. "It's never going to work out for you. This always happens to me. Nobody's going to love me. When is it going to be my turn?" All that crap.

Mel Robbins: How does somebody in that moment actually visualize a fork in the road, start to catch that negativity and redirect themselves in a new direction?

Kendall: I'm sort of just going to start talking and I might contradict myself and I might go back on what I'm saying, but I guess that's part of this whole thing. But yeah, I'm driving up to Portland and a potential encounter about to happen.

Mel Robbins: That would be amazing. I'm going to manifest that right now. Dear God. Come on, bring them in, bring them in. I would like to see the two of them walk around the corner as you're talking to us.

Kendall: No, no, no, they're not.

Kendall: I think what I tell myself is... I think that it helps for me. It helps to know that in my certain situation, I've already done it and I've already tried it and it didn't work. And I know in my heart... I think what you need to do in these kinds of situations is just remember what you know to be true in your heart. If it's your dream school and you didn't get in and your best friend did, just believe in the fact that it's still your dream school and it's gonna happen. It just might not be right now.

Kendall: And I think for me, what I'm telling myself is I don't want that relationship. I don't want to be in that relationship. And I know that in my heart. And instead of torturing myself and going back to my old ways of thinking and trying to tell myself that I do want it just so I can have some sort of stupid validation, I'm gonna tell myself that he's still here. He's still talking to one of my good friends now, maybe for a reason. Instead of seeing this as a detriment to my life, why don't I just flip the fucking script and benefit from it?

Kendall: How cool would it be if two people who I know care about me, who respect me deeply, and who both want to pour into me creatively and professionally... how fucking amazing would it be if they both fucking love each other and are awesome? And how great does it feel to visualize them hitting it off and them crushing on each other and them being awesome and great and just an explosion of love and light? And I just get to experience that and I get to be around that and I get to benefit from that.

Mel Robbins: So here's the thing, dude. The fact that you've processed this in less than 24 hours and you're already love and light and alignment... to me, that says you weren't that into him anyway and these are old wounds that you're working on around rejection.

Kendall: Or it says that I was and I'm mature as shit and I'm on my spiritual awakening journey and I'm a light, I'm aligned.

Mel Robbins: That you can... I think that's fricking hot.

Kendall: That's like... fuck though. You weren't that into him.

Mel Robbins: Like, no, I really was, but I'm more into myself and I'm on my fucking journey and what of it?

Kendall: Oh my God.

Mel Robbins: Okay. So I just got something from this and now my armpits are sweating because it's such a good idea. You ready?

Mel Robbins: You were able to hyper process this because you are very clear about who you are and what it feels like when you're in the groove with energy and people and where you put your attention. And it is very clear when you are in alignment with your energy, with your focus, with who you surround yourself with, when something enters the space that's off. You feel friction. You don't feel like yourself. You feel yourself reaching for old toxic behaviors.

Kendall: Yeah.

Mel Robbins: And that's why you were able to process this so quickly and hold space for the fact, I still like the guy and I still want to work with her and him. And him. I got to figure this out because what the universe is actually teaching you, Ken, is it's teaching you how to stay laser focused on your higher objective instead of getting sucked into the toxic bullshit that Kendall Zero used to get sucked into.

Kendall: Yeah, 100%. I love that. Yeah, that feels very clear and makes sense to me. Because it's like, I don't want to lose them. I don't want to like what I was saying about the whole derailing thing is like, it would be so easy for me to just like derail. Okay, not working with you, not working with you. I'm going to go cry about it. I'm going to listen to fucking sad music and blah, blah, blah, blah, and miss this crazy good opportunity. Or I could win from this. Like, it's just, it's just the mindset of being like, I can win from any situation.

Mel Robbins: Okay, well, that's a little provincial, but...

Kendall: But actually, Ken... I think it's a good mindset to have. Like, any situation that you are in, whether or not you put yourself there, if you did, if you didn't, if it was placed upon you, like, you can still win. And, like, it's just about, like, figuring out that higher objective and figuring out how you can feel aligned in that space that initially felt pretty negative.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Hold that thought. Because I've got one final thing I want to add to this conversation, Ken. But I got to throw to break. We need to hear from our sponsors. So let me do that right now. Everybody hold on and we'll be right back.

[Commercial break]

Mel Robbins: Okay, Ken, I got one final thought. If we were to roll the clock back two and a half years, remember when you went through something way more painful than this moment? It took a lot longer for you to process that. I know exactly what you're talking about. Do you have any insight to offer for someone who's in that space that you were in two and a half years ago who thinks that what you're saying right now sounds absolutely fantastic but it's not at all realistic?

Kendall: Mm-hmm. Everybody always says like, you can't love anyone until you love yourself. But I feel like that, like the word choice in that isn't correct. Because if I had known at that point two years ago when I was going through a much more painful and drawn out and confusing, entangled breakup, like I had no, like, I didn't really believe that, like, I didn't believe in myself. Like at that point in time, I wasn't like, I was put on this earth to do something bigger. Like I, I, I didn't like actually believe with my whole heart that like I was put on this earth to live an incredible life and that I had the power to do so. And like, I think that's where a lot of people's issues are, is that like, they just, they don't think that they're worth it. They don't think that they can actually achieve their dreams. They don't have dreams. Like, you know what I mean? And it's like at that point in time, I had ideas of what I thought my dreams were, but they weren't real. And I didn't actually believe like, I'm doing, I'm going to be doing something bigger than this. Like, this is just like a piece to the puzzle. It's not the puzzle itself. And I feel like right now I can actually taste like the bigger things that are going to be happening for me. And like, I can feel that like, and because I can taste it, I know that this small challenge tide is just a test, you know, and it's not the whole thing. And it's, and it's, I can, I can easily compartmentalize it because I can taste the bigger picture, but like I had to do a lot of fucking taste testings before that. You know what I mean? Like go to the winery, babe.

Mel Robbins: I love that. And I would add one more thing. You're able to process this entanglement in hyper freaking Star Wars, like whatever speed, like I just see hyper speed because of everything that you allowed yourself to feel and learn and process and mourn and discover about yourself in that painful year of breaking up. Just like I am able to feel a level of contentment and happiness that I've never experienced in my life now that I'm 53 because of the protracted, painful, awful, horrible two years of heartbreak that you had a front row seat to.

Kendall: Yeah.

Mel Robbins: And I think the breakthrough that you receive in life is in direct reverse proportion to how painful the experience was. And when you get any... But I don't think that that is widespread and that isn't like a way to seek. I don't recommend you smash into a wall to learn a lesson. I'm saying life does that to you and if you are able to process the hard stuff as a lesson, one of the benefits is the second the future you gets within an inch of anything that feels familiar to that old pain, you have an opportunity to go, "Oh, I at that crossroad. I see the old me. I could spend a year doing this bullshit where I suck my thumb in the corner and I play small and I pretend my life is over and I hate every other woman because they're prettier." Or you actually put yourself in park and say, "Wait a minute. I learned something from that. And what I learned is I'm not fucking doing that again to myself."

Kendall: I also think like for this example, especially with this like girl and this guy, like I think even yesterday and today I felt a little bit of like, "Oh well maybe like this, maybe that road that they're on is like the wrong one." Like maybe I'm like, "Oh well maybe I should..." I'm visualizing a lot of like going left and going right and like the for some reason the right is always like the right road to go down. I mean I don't think that was a coincidence in my brain. But what I'm saying is like yesterday I was like, "You know what, maybe collaborating with both of these people is not going to the left. It's not going to the right. And like, I shouldn't be collaborating with them. Like, this is not a good idea." But then I was like, "No, because if I wasn't collaborating with them, then I would actually be going to the left because I would be like in resistance and I would be in pain and I would be comparing myself to every other woman on the face of the fucking earth." You know what I mean? It's like, consider that you don't do that and then see which road you're on.

Mel Robbins: Amazing. Hold that thought. I just want to ask, uh, Andrea and Maddie and, uh, Jesse, do you have any question you want me to ask Kendall? Maddie, you got one?

Maddie: I was crying because what you said, no, well, what you said is exactly what I've been going through, like literally right now. Um, and what I went through, like, I think almost three and a half years ago when I went through like a really prolonged drawn out breakup where I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in the relationship and I wasn't enough to be enough for, you know, what he wanted when that wasn't the case. Um, and it's taken me a really long time to get to the other side of it. I like the question of like, what would you tell your past self, but like not even what could you take away? It's just like, if you could place yourself in this moment where you feel the exact same way that you felt at that time, like you know that you would make a different decision, right?

Kendall: I think honestly, like if I was in that like really hard, like cyclical bad pattern, what I would do is just like every day do like a little something that scared me or do like every time that I felt like just that like shit mindset I was going back to, like every time I felt myself going back to it, like just toy with the idea or like welcome the idea of doing the other thing. You know what I mean? Because that's just like sort of building that muscle, like strengthening the muscle of like going to the right instead of the left. Like, because for me in that really long breakup, it was like, I was in the same place. Like I'm not good enough for him. Like he's, I'm never going to be good enough for him. And now I've gotten to a point where I'm like, it is a fucking gift that I was even with him. And it is a gift that it didn't work out. And like, it's not, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough to him. It was just like, he was a part of my journey and like, he served his purpose. And I knew all along, it wasn't supposed to be like a lifetime, but I think I resisted going to the right for so long, like to the point where literally like there was a fucking roadblock, like the road fell apart, the left road fell apart. And it was like, I don't have a choice. You know what I mean? And so I think what would, what my piece of advice would be is to like practice just like turning right a little bit here and there every day. Just go to the right. Oh, I normally would do this, but let me just try doing that. Or I normally would think this, but let me just try thinking that. And I honestly think that like that will help you strengthen the muscle because the amount of resistance I was in for so long, going to the left, going to the left, going to the left, when the universe was like, go to the fucking right. Was just like a waste of time. And now I know that like, if I just practice trying to do the other thing, think the other way, like it would have been so much easier for me to see like the strung along pattern that had been being created for me all along.

Andrea: Well, I think it's interesting, like the fact that you say go to the left and go to the right, because I think that you can take that in so many different directions. Like something that my dad has always told me is like, always like choose yourself first. And I've never done this, right? Like I, I always put others in front of myself and like, I always put others feelings and others situations and how other people, you know, react to what I do before what I think about my actions. And so I think it's interesting because turning left to me when you said it, I was like, that feels like choosing everybody else and turning right feels like choosing me.

Kendall: Yes. One hundred percent. That's it. It's like you always know what like you should be doing for you, but it's like scarier to do that or you don't want to do that because it might fuck up what's going on with everyone else. But the second you start putting you first, it's like it's just like a trickle down effect. Like you start attracting more shit to just start happening for you. And it's incredible.

Andrea: It's so interesting that you say that because I recently started doing those kinds of things and I literally see a shift in my behavior and how other people like react to my behavior. Like the confidence that I have based on choices that I've made in the last six months alone has been completely different than the confidence I had even a year ago that like I can make decisions now today that I couldn't that I know I couldn't have made a year ago and it's because of totally choices of like turning right and choosing me instead of doing things for other people and doing things for the benefit of other people instead of doing them for the benefit of me.

Kendall: Yeah, good on you, man.

Mel Robbins: Okay, mom, I'm literally class starts in one minute so I do have to leave. Let's talk after class. I love you. I'm proud of you, actually. I'm proud of the person you're becoming and your ability to share everything that you're learning through all of it with all of us.

Kendall: I'm proud of me, too. I've come a long fucking way. Oh, my God. It's laughable, but I'm just happy and I'm grateful that I can like be this mindful about myself. And like, I'm finally like manifesting and attracting and like doing things that I've always like wished I could, you know?

Mel Robbins: I love it. And we'll keep sharing and unpacking it so everybody else can learn along the way too. Have a great class.

Kendall: We will. All right, I love you.

Mel Robbins: Love you too.

Kendall: Bye.

[Call ends]

Mel Robbins: I guess the one thing I want to say, having had a front row seat into the 24-hour evolved hyperspeed Star Wars style. And I say Star Wars because I'm thinking about how fast those ships fly. The 24-hour processing versus the literally year and a half long train wreck is what it was. I want to say this, that first of all, you know me and I love simple visual tools that yank you out of emotional states. Going left means you're choosing other people. Going left means you're seeking validation. Going left means you're repeating old patterns, old behaviors, old stories. Going right means making teeny decisions where you choose yourself. Teeny decisions where you find the courage to do something different. Don't go hang out at that guy's frat house hoping he sees you. Go find your girlfriends at the library. Don't go stalking somebody on social media. Get your butt outside and go for a walk or go to a class. Don't continue to pour yourself into what the old you or the old relationship or the old thing was. Find a way each day to turn towards something new. That's how you start to make the right choices that align with who you're becoming instead of just grasping at what was and what no longer is.

And the other thing I want to tell you, and I can say this from personal experience, and I can say this from watching this year and a half painful thing that happened to our daughter where she was entangled. If you keep choosing left, the universe, God, the world, energy, whatever you believe in, it cares so much about you that eventually it is going to drop a motherfucking sledgehammer on your face. And it is going to cause, and it is going to create the most painful, personal, and shocking breakdown in your life. Because you're being so stubborn in choosing left all the time, knowing that you need to inch yourself in the right direction, that the universe or God or whatever, the forces greater than you are going to wake your ass up by doing something painful and personal. So you cannot ignore the fact that this thing that you keep doing, it is terrible for you. And sometimes those wake up calls are exactly what we need. For Kendall, it was a deep, deep betrayal. For me, it was multiple deep, deep betrayals, all of which woke us both up to see that, boy, we had been heading down the left path for a long time and we were too stubborn or insecure to wake up and see it. Do not wait for your life to fall apart to understand the power of choosing a different path, to wake up every day and find the courage to inch right, to inch towards something that feels different, that feels like an opening, that feels expansive.

And here's how you're gonna know. I'm gonna give you one more tool. So you've got this idea of visualizing a crossroad. You have this idea of alignment and what feels right and what doesn't feel right. You have this alignment, you have this idea of choosing the left path or the right path, and that has nothing to do with politics, by the way. It's just a metaphor. So don't add any drama to it, please. I don't wanna hear about it in the comments. It's just the old thing you used to do and a new and different way. Here's another one. Here's how you know what is aligned with you. Energy doesn't lie. When you ask yourself, how could I make this a win? Turn toward what feels expansive. Turn toward what brings a little bit of energy into your life. If it's old and if it's painful and if it's the wrong path, you're going to feel yourself shrinking. You're going to feel yourself depleted. You're going to feel your energy leave you. The interesting thing, if you listen closely to Kendall share with you, is that she was very quick to say, I'm going to cut these people out of my life. But when she paid attention to the energy, she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Cutting them out of my life feels like I'm shrinking. It feels like my energy is leaving me. It feels like my power is going away. Turning toward them, showing up differently, being open to receiving. That feels energizing. That feels expansive. That feels actually different. You can use energy like that. We're going to talk a ton about that as we get to know each other to make the right, best, next choice for you. And that's what matters. And that's why I'm sharing all this stuff with you. Not because I have the answers, but because you have the answers for you, inside of you, and inside of every experience that you're going through in life. And we'll keep you updated. We'll see how the hyper processing is going with Kendall. I'm so proud of her. And you want to know what else? I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for taking the time to be here with me, for listening and learning, and hopefully for applying this to your life. And I want you to know that that's why I'm here. I'm here on Mondays to help you start your week. I'm here on Thursdays to help you get through it. I'm here sharing the ups and downs, the good, the bad, all of it for one reason. And the reason is because I love you and I believe in you and I believe in me and I believe in both of our abilities to create a better life and that's what the Mel Robbins podcast is all about. You got me, I got you, we're doing it together. So if you got something out of this episode, please, please, please share this with somebody who could use this. Subscribe to the Mel Robbins podcast wherever you get your podcast. You're gonna find your friend Mel Robbins there and that's it. Have an absolutely amazing day. No, go make it an amazing day and just make the next right choice for you.