--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today, you and I are going to dig into one of the single most popular sections of the *Let Them Theory* book. And trust me, you need this, because we're talking about how to handle difficult people so you can keep your peace and finally take your power back.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm talking about the emotionally immature people in your life. And have you noticed, oftentimes you're related to them? I'm talking about people who are controlling and disrespectful and manipulative and self-centered. And oh my gosh, the passive aggressive ones.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You may be listening or watching right now and you're on your way to a family gathering. You're going to a wedding, or maybe it's the holidays, or you got dinner at your in-laws. And you know what you're doing? You're bracing. You're gripping the wheel because you're thinking about what's going to happen. Oh my God.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then, just deep down, don't you just want to fix them? Why can't they be different? Why can't our family get along? Why does this always happen?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's the thing that I learned the hard way. You know that instinct that you have to fix everybody else? What if that desire to fix everyone else is what's keeping you stuck? What if that's what's stressing you out?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I got to tell you, writing chapter seven of the *Let Them Theory*, it really forced me to realize I had relationships all wrong. I had family all wrong. Because here's the thing: if you think love means managing people or changing them, if you think love means knowing what's best for everybody else or trying to control the outcomes, or just making sure everybody's happy and everybody gets along, if you think love is doing everything for everybody except the one thing that you need to do—which is just learning how to let people be who they are and who they're not—well, then you probably have relationships all wrong too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Later in this episode, I'm going to share a really personal story with you. It's about a recent trip that I took with my husband, Chris, that really shifted how I see a lot of things. And if I'm being completely honest, which I like to be with you, I didn't even know I needed it. And it's a reminder you probably need it too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This special segment is brought to you by Celebrity Cruises.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am thrilled that you're here today. It's always an honor to be together, to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener, or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You have picked a winner of a conversation to spend time listening to right now, because today you and I are talking about something that affects every single one of us: difficult people and how to deal with them without losing your peace or your power.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Who am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking about the relatives who dominate every conversation. The friend who takes that cheap shot and then laughs it off. "I was just joking. Don't be so sensitive." Oh, you know, the sibling that knows how to just push your buttons, even though you're older now and you guys are no longer living with your parents. I'm talking about the people you love, but they also exhaust you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because here's the truth, and I learned this the hard way. Most of the drama in your life, especially in your family, it's not really about conflict. It's about closeness. See, people want to feel connected, right? We want to feel close. It's why we get frustrated when there's tension. It's why we get frustrated when we don't feel connected and close. But we don't know how to ask for it, and we don't know how to get rid of all the garbage that's in the way between you guys. So it leaks out sideways.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You get the control, you get the guilt, you get the side comments, the sarcasm, the silence, the alliances, the eye rolls, the passive aggressive digs. And that's the energy that you're swimming in all the time. That's why you brace around certain people. Because if you don't understand what's happening underneath all of this kind of behavior, you know what's going to happen? You're just going to keep trying to fix the behavior. You're going to keep trying to fix the dynamic. You're going to keep people-pleasing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Or maybe you're going to shut down. Maybe you are over-explaining yourself because people constantly misinterpret what you're saying. Maybe you get very emotional and tense and on edge, and you're just not yourself around certain people. And if you keep doing that, you're gonna stay stuck in the same frustrating dynamic over and over and over again. And I don't want that for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's what we're gonna do. Today, you're gonna learn two truths about other people that are extremely important to embrace. The first one is that you cannot change other people. Period. The truth and the fact about life is that other people only change when they're ready to change for themselves. And the more that you try to change someone else, the more they will stay the same. And in fact, it'll create more tension in relationships. And we're gonna dig into that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The second major truth that we're gonna dig into is that emotional immaturity is in everybody. That every adult that you meet is just an eight-year-old in a big body. And it's important to understand that adults throw tantrums. And when you embrace this truth in your life—and I unpack it in detail because this is one of the most popular sections of the *Let Them Theory* book itself—it will change the way that you look at other people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Then we're gonna jump into the strategies that you're using right now to deal with emotionally immature people and difficult people. It's not working. And finally, we're gonna talk about what do you do when you realize your emotions are part of the problem? And what are the things that you can control that will shift the dynamic?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Everything that you're about to learn is backed by so much research. It is working for millions of people. It has been transformative for me, and we're going to take them one by one and really break them apart so that you can use the *Let Them* theory effectively when either somebody else is all emotional, or somebody else's behavior is starting to make you feel emotional, like you're losing control.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I want to start here. And in case you don't know what the *Let Them* theory is, because somebody forwarded this episode to you, first of all, thank you for being here. The *Let Them* theory is super simple. Basically, it's a rule about life. The more control that you give up, the more control you gain. And the one thing that you have to stop controlling is other people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so the *Let Them* theory is very, very simple. Learn to let people be who they are. Let them have their thoughts. Let them do what they're going to do. Let them have their opinions, their behavior, their expectations. Because the more you let other people be who they are and live their lives, the better your life gets. Because now you can take all your time and energy back and focus on you. That's the *Let Me* part. Let me focus on me. Let me focus my time and energy on what matters to me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So again, the more you stop controlling other people and trying to change them, the more control you gain over your own life and happiness. It's a beautiful thing. And you're also going to learn that this theory brings you closer to people, even the ones who are emotionally immature and can be difficult at times, because it's going to teach you how to see people as they are and accept them as they are, and then take your power back and act accordingly.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And we're going to talk about five ways specifically that you can use these four words—*let them* and *let me*—anytime you're dealing with somebody who's emotionally immature or just very difficult in general.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other reason why I wanted to really do an episode that was focused on family dynamics and challenging dynamics with families is so many of you have written in. And I have a ton of them right here about what you're bracing for. And even if you have an amazing family, there are still dynamics in your family that are incredibly stressful and you just wish that it wasn't this way.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's some of the things that people said: "I feel anxious seeing my family and then my anxiety makes interacting with them even more difficult." "I'm anxious with every interaction and I still constantly put them first. Why do I do this?" "My parents can't seem to accept me as an adult now. I'm no longer their child, and so I can't stand the power struggle." "How do I stop feeling so triggered to react when my sister says things on purpose to get to me?" "How do you stay calm and sturdy when a relative is getting under your skin?" "How do I deal with a boundary that's put in place, and then it's like I get dirty looks, I get the punishing silent treatment, I get passive-aggressive behavior from my spouse's family. They even unfriended me on Facebook." "My mother-in-law is not getting her way in terms of hosting the holidays, and it's driving me crazy how immature she's acting." "Everyone tiptoes around the immature person in my family because everyone's worried how they're going to react." "Boundaries with my divorced parents. My mom talks badly about my dad. I don't want to hear it." "There's a person in my immediate family who is always in crisis, which means there's never any space for me because it's always about her." "People that can't see anyone else's opinion but their own in my family drive me crazy."
--:-- Mel Robbins: There is some dynamic in your family that just isn't working, and you're bracing, or you're venting, or you're keeping the peace, or you're putting up with it, and you just wish things could be easier. You wish their behavior didn't make you so emotional. And that's why we're gonna talk about the *Let Them* theory today, because there's a couple surprising things about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The *Let Them* theory is not about changing them. The *Let Them* theory is learning to accept the reality of who people are as they are without changing them, and then taking your power back and changing how you respond in these situations.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's just start out with a basic assumption. You're listening to this and you're sharing this with people that you care about because you want a better relationship with your family. And what I'm going to tell you is the *Let Them* theory is the single best tool to navigate these challenging dynamics, to manage your emotions, and to learn how to connect with people as they are and to create closer relationships while you protect your peace.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, let me read you something about the *Let Them* theory. What happens when you use the *Let Them* theory and four words—*let them* and *let me*—as the world's best boundaries? You become more compassionate. Instead of getting frustrated by everybody in your family, you begin to understand that most people you're related to, and everybody on the planet, they simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions or their behavior or their reactions maturely.
--:-- Mel Robbins: With the *Let Them* theory, you're going to learn how to respond with compassion. You're going to learn how to set some boundaries. And you're also going to learn how to stop letting other people's emotional immaturity run your life. All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire family system can change for the better. And that person is you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what we're gonna do today is we're gonna dig deep into the *Let Them* theory to teach you how to change yourself. And it's gonna be so powerful, I promise you, it will change every single dynamic with every person in your life for the better.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's dig into this. Here's the truth I had to learn the hard way, and it's the first one I want you to hear. People only change when they're ready to change for themselves. It's true. There is nothing you can do to change your grandmother or your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister or the person that you're married to. There's nothing that you can do if there's someone in your life who's always angry.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, I bet if you really stop and think about it, there's probably somebody in your life or in your family that's always angry. That no matter what you do, they would rather be griping about something or grousing about something or upset that this isn't him and complaining about that thing than just being present with you. And it's a really challenging thing when you wake up and realize, "Wow, this person's never going to change unless they want to change."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And there's no amount of bending over backwards or tiptoeing around it or trying to make them happy or asking them if they're okay that is going to make them suddenly a calm and happy and peaceful person who's just present and loves to be with you. There's nothing you can do to change another person. In fact, the more you try to change somebody else, the more they're going to stay exactly who they are. People only change when they are ready to change for themselves, which means the only thing that you can change is your attitude about your relationship with this person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it's so important to embrace this that I want to give you an example. And I want you to think about someone in your life that you wish you could be closer to, but something's always wrong. It's almost like this person is like trying to hug a porcupine. Like they're just always like, "Oh."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the fact is, whether you're talking about your family or your partner's family or your roommate's families, there are people in your life who would rather stay angry and mad at the world than be connected. There are people in your life who would rather play the victim than take responsibility for their life. There are people in your life that would rather sound off and complain and gossip about everybody else than take a look in the mirror and just do what they need to do to make their own life better.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There are always going to be people in your life who are more comfortable focusing on what's going wrong than just being present and enjoying the people that are right here in front of their face. Have you ever noticed that? Have you ever had that experience where the second that you walk in the door, they're already complaining that it's been a year since you've been there, or they're complaining about somebody else?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Truth number one: people only change when they're ready to change for themselves, and you can't change them. So what do you do? Let them. Let them be negative. Let them be a human porcupine. Let them bring in their emotional baggage. Let them grouse and gripe and complain about everything going on in the world and how awful things are and this, that, and the other thing. Let them ignore the fact that the people that love them are right in front of their face. Let them do the thing that they do. Let them do everything wrong.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because it's not your job to fix other people. It's your job to recognize who other people are and learn how to accept them. And it's so liberating to realize you get to choose how much of your peace their behavior is allowed to steal.
--:-- Mel Robbins: See, when I was writing chapter seven of the *Let Them Theory*, and chapter seven is entitled "When Grownups Throw Tantrums," I really sat with this uncomfortable truth. Why do you think loving someone means trying to change them? Why do you jump in to control and fix and manage another person?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's what I realized, and this is a really important thing to understand. I don't think we mean to be controlling and fixing everybody else. I don't think we actually understand that we do it by default. And the reason why you and I can look at our sister and be like, "If I were in her shoes, I would do this, that, and the other thing." And I'll tell you why we operate like this with other people. It's because we've all been parented.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this is not anything against parents. I'm a parent. I have three adult children. I made a lot of good decisions and probably a lot of bad decisions. But when you're a parent, your job is to protect your kids. Your job is to care for your kids. Your job is to teach your kids. Your job is to keep them safe. Your job is to help them make decisions. And in the process of parenting, what do you do? Oh my gosh. Well, you tell your kids exactly what to do. You dictate when they wake up. You dictate when they go to bed. You dictate what they eat. You tell them when they're wrong. You have consequences and punishment when they don't do what you say. You try to teach them kind of stuff. You're basically shaping their behavior by, in many ways, controlling it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so what happens is, as a kid, what's modeled for you is, "Okay, love means that somebody tells me what to do. Love means that somebody is trying to steer my life. Love means that somebody knows me better than I know me and is trying to force me to be what they want me to be. Love means people get irritated with me and then they yell at me and punish me." And so that parenting and the control that we exhibit on our kids gets tangled up with our idea of what it means to love somebody and to care.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's the problem. Once you're an adult, without even realizing it, guess how you now show that you love people and that you care about them? By trying to change them. Because that's what we learned. We tell other people that we love what to do. We jump in and fix their problems before they even ask for advice. We believe we know what's best for them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's the thing I want you to understand: that is not love. That is parenting. That is not love. That is control. Real love means seeing someone and accepting someone exactly as they are. And it also means seeing someone and accepting someone for exactly who they're not.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that's why the people you most want to change can often be the hardest to love, because you're stuck in this loop of wishing they were different. "If only they got in shape. If only they were more motivated. If only they did a better job picking up after themselves. If only they would stop dating these losers. If only she didn't use that tone of voice."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And when you're stuck in that loop—"if only, I'll love you when"—you're not actually loving somebody, you're judging someone. That's one of the hardest and most freeing truths inside the *Let Them* theory. *Let them* is not about just giving up and throwing your hands up in the air. *Let them* is about unlearning that old wiring from being parented and choosing to show up in a relationship as an adult. Not as some other adult parent, but choosing to show up in a relationship, not with this fantasy of who you wish someone would be, but learning how to accept the reality of who someone is right now. Hard to do, but it's liberating when you really embrace this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's why this is so empowering, because it forces you to be in the relationship as it is instead of constantly resisting it because you wish it was something else. And I'm going to talk a lot about it in the context of family dynamics. And the reason why is because when you walk into a room full of people that you're related to, you have this fantasy in your head of the version of the family that you really wish they would be. But instead, you're walking into a room full of people who are likely stressed out. They're reactive. They're emotionally maxed out, just like you are. They have a lot going on, most of which you're not even aware of.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you got to remember, you can't control them. You can't fix them. You can't make them change. And wishing that they were different isn't going to make them different. But here's what you can do. And this is where it starts to get so liberating and so fun. You can better understand why people are emotionally immature. You can better understand why people are challenging. You can better understand why people react in ways that make no sense. Like, especially the people that like crazy overreact over things. You're like, "Why is this a big deal? Like, what is wrong with you?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: And when you understand emotional reactivity and immaturity, guess what? It doesn't impact you. And you also stay in control so you can decide and you can change how you respond to it. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about next. Because the second truth that I want to teach you is that other people are just eight-year-olds in big bodies.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's pause for just a moment so we can hear a quick word from our amazing sponsors who make the Mel Robbins podcast possible. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to share this with somebody that you love. Someone who may need this episode. Maybe they're heading to a big family party or to a wedding or the holidays, or maybe they've been calling you complaining about their family. And if you're finding this conversation helpful, I'm sure they're going to find it helpful too. So thank you in advance for sharing this with people that you care about. And don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after this short break. Stay with me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about how to deal with difficult people and how to use the *Let Them* theory in particular to navigate these challenging dynamics with people that you care about. And so let's just jump right back into it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: See, when I was writing chapter seven—chapter seven of the *Let Them Theory* is entitled "When Grownups Throw Tantrums"—I really was wrestling with this question. I mean, haven't you often wondered: why does my dad erupt over everything? Why does my brother have so much anger? Why do grown adults snap and sulk and shut down and lash out and throw full-on tantrums? Why do your friends still use the silent treatment? And why is this so prominent, especially in your families?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I've certainly wondered that. In fact, you know, one day I was sitting down with my therapist, Dr. Ann Davin. She's a depth psychologist. She's a writer. She's honestly one of the wisest people I've ever met in my entire life. And I was talking to her about a very difficult family member. And this is a person who always makes it about them. The energy in the room—do you have a person like this in your life where it's like, positive or negative, their energy is the dominant one? It doesn't matter. They always know how to pull the focus back to themselves, whether it's pouting or it's yelling or it's mood swings. And I was exhausted by this person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's the thing. I think it's easy on Instagram and social media to just say, "Well, cut people out. Toxic people." But for most of us, the challenging people that we have in our life, it's not that we don't want them in our life. We just wish we could get along. And so I was talking with my therapist about this relationship because I was just like, "What am I doing wrong? Like, how do I change this dynamic with this person? And more importantly, why are they like this?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: And Anne said something I will never forget. It changed my life. And I'm going to read to you from the *Let Them Theory* book. This is chapter seven, page 111. She said, "Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you're with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way that they act, I just want you to imagine the second grade version of them present with you in the room. Because what you're describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And like it or not, that's most adults."
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, when she said that, I was like, "Oh." But I want you to just think about that for a second. I'm going to keep on reading to you here on page 111. "Why else does your mom pout instead of saying what's wrong? Why does your friend give you the silent treatment? Why does your boyfriend send you passive-aggressive texts when you're out with friends? Why does your sister blow up and then act like nothing happened an hour later? It's because adults at their core are just as emotional as children. The difference is sometimes they're better at hiding it."
--:-- Mel Robbins: "But here's the beautiful thing about the *Let Them* theory. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions maturely. See, emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that happens. It's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn. My therapist is right. Most people you meet still act like an eight-year-old child when they don't get what they want or when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The *Let Them* theory is going to teach you how to stop reacting and how to stop letting other people's emotional maturity ruin your life."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And there's one more thing I want to share with you about emotional immaturity, because the connection between childlike and adult behavior is undeniable. And I'm going to walk you through this graphic. This is on page 112. I really want you to consider how similar adult behavior is to a second grade child.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Like when a child gets flooded with emotions and upset about something, what do they typically do? They run away from you. What does an adult do if they get upset with you and they're flooded with emotion? Oh, they avoid you, which is basically running away from you. When they get overwhelmed, what do they do? They shut down. Adults? Oh, they get stoic. They just shove that stuff down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum when they didn't get what they want or they're exhausted or hungry? I'm sure you have. Have you ever seen an adult one? Of course. That's the person that screams at something that's just ridiculous, or they rage text at you, or they send one of those crazy emails, or they vent at you. That's an adult tantrum. Kids slam doors, adults slam doors. Kids lie, so do adults.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so Anne and I continued to talk a lot about this fact that most adults that you meet are just second graders in big bodies. And what she has explained since then, and what I've also learned from other world-renowned experts, is that emotional development in a human being often halts in childhood unless the person actively works on it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So what does that mean? What that means is that if you're dealing with an adult—I don't care if they're 80 years old or 50 years old or 25 years old—when something happens that makes them feel emotional, even if it's like tiny—I'm talking tiny—the adult brain doesn't always know how to process or regulate adult experiences. Because what happens instead, and we've learned a lot about this from the experts on this podcast, is that you go from a functioning rational adult to immediately having your stress response or the amygdala hijack you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And when somebody feels emotionally flooded, the brain just automatically kicks into survival mode. Adrenaline, cortisol floods your body in like a nanosecond. This is what neuroscientists call emotional flooding. Heart rate spikes, muscles tend, your vision narrows, thought goes offline. You can't stop that first surge because it's a biological reaction.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So when somebody is firing off a ridiculous string of passive-aggressive texts, when an adult thinks the silent treatment is how you deal with conflict in a relationship, when somebody snaps at you—this is the one that I was guilty of all the time, just the tone shift—when they've just promised they're going to try to stay calm, the reason why is they're in a biological response. Their nervous system literally comes online before logic and maturity can catch up. This is a second grader response inside an adult body.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You have an adult human being—if you're looking at your grandparents or your parents or your siblings or your partner—who is now overwhelmed by whatever emotion they're feeling, and they've never developed the emotional maturity to process emotions maturely because it's a skill. And here's the kicker: they usually have no idea this is actually happening. Seriously. Seriously. They have no idea.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The flooding happens because they get suddenly overwhelmed because there's so many people in the house and the groceries are everywhere and the dogs are running around that they just—instead of being able to go, "Oh, I'm getting a little overwhelmed. I guess I better, I should take a beat. I should step out of the room. I should reach for a glass of water"—what do they do instead? They just automatically snap. They sulk. They roll their eyes. They lash out. They say something sharp. They retreat to their phone for the rest of the night. They sulk in the corner.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this is what's so confusing. If a little kid flopped on the floor of the kitchen and started banging about, you can handle that. I mean, you can expect it because they're a kid. You know, it's part of the deal, right? But when this happens in a house full of grownups that don't know how to handle their emotions, it's a whole different level of chaos.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want to give you an example that I'm sure you can visualize yourself in, because we've all had the experience of hosting, right? And when you host, it's because you actually want to take care of everybody. You want to feel important. When people come up to your house and they're going to eat the meal you prepared, you really want them to enjoy it, right? And whether you put a little bit of care into it or you put a ton of care into it, I think it's safe to assume that whomever the host is, they just want to feel like everybody appreciates the effort that they put in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now that we've talked about the host, let's talk about you and me. As you're going to somebody else's house or you're going to the holidays at your family's or you're going to a wedding, you're already driving down—you, me, I'm going to admit to this—you're thinking about how... how is this going to go?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And maybe you're stopping and buying groceries, or maybe you're worried about what the sleeping arrangements are, or maybe you're worried that you would do the wedding a little bit differently and you think they're cutting corners and they should have done it this way. So as you're heading there, you already have expectations.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I think this is one of the things that I have learned the hard way: that going with the flow and understanding that all that the person who is hosting wants is to just feel like people appreciate the effort. And here's what we don't realize. We don't realize that if you don't go with the flow as the guest, you unintentionally can come across as rude, disrespectful. You can make a host feel like no matter what they do, it's never enough. You can inadvertently make it seem like you're doing it better, or you would do it better, or they didn't do enough. And it creates this weird tension.
--:-- Mel Robbins: For example, maybe all you were trying to do was bake a pie that was gluten-free so your kids could eat it and nobody else would have to worry about it. But when you roll into the house without even thinking, you say something like, "Oh, here's all the groceries. Let me just put them over here. And I'm just going to move this thing in the fridge over here. And what if we do this? And can I help you set the table?" And then you're folding the napkins a different way. You're just trying to help. You didn't mean to roll into someone else's house like a freight train and suddenly take over and cover every single counter space, or roll in with the blow-up mattress because you don't really like your sister's bed because it's too smooshy and you won't get a good night's sleep.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But you know what that feels like to the host? "Wait, what I planned wasn't good enough for you?" And then guess what happens? We, you and me, just inadvertently brought out the eight-year-old version of your sister or your dad or your mother, because the kid part in there tried really hard. And they just, like every eight-year-old, want to be noticed. They want to be appreciated. They want to be told, "You did a good job."
--:-- Mel Robbins: So what is the best thing that you and I can do? Well, first of all, it's to recognize the psychology of anybody hosting. That's just human nature: to want to feel appreciated. What's the best thing you can do? Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Give yourself a reality check. Don't live in the fantasy and the expectation. Live in the reality. You're not pulling into a five-star resort. You're in somebody's home.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here is your anchor tool. When it comes to anything that's beneath your expectation, anything that you now want to control and do better, this is straight from DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is a research-backed form of psychotherapy that teaches people how to manage big emotions, navigate relationships, and handle stress more effectively. Here's what you're going to do: you have to be clear about your intentions before you walk in the door. Just ask yourself, "Why am I here? Why am I going to this event that is hosted by a family member? Why am I showing up?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: If the answer is, "Well, I'm here because I just want to be with my family," if that's your answer, you have won the lottery. Because it means you don't need to fix anything. You don't need to control anything. You don't need to manage the eight-year-olds that show up in the big bodies and start tantruming. You need to be clear about your intention. "I'm just here to be with family." Which means I'm going to go with the flow. I'm going to be kind. I'm going to be flexible. I'm going to say thank you. That's it. That's it. That's all you need to do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, this feels like a great moment to hit the pause button, because by this point, I am sure there is somebody in your family—maybe there's a couple people in your family—that you're like, "Gosh, I wish they would hear this." Share this with them. It's a great way to say, "I've been listening to this. I'm thinking about you. I really want to be closer to you. Take a listen to this, and then let's talk about it, because I love you and I think this is going to make you laugh, and I also think it's going to make us closer."
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, I would send this to my two daughters, because we know we push each other's buttons, and we also really want to be closer. Having these tools helps you come from a place where you don't get so reactive, and you can talk to each other about it, and you can learn to accept each other. The Let Them Theory has made my relationships with the people that I care about so much more meaningful. I know it's going to do that for you and your relationships too. Alright, stay with me. We'll be right back.
--:-- [Music fades in and out]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. I really want you to feel more connected to the people that you love. And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is what we typically do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What we typically do when mom or dad turns into an eight-year-old and starts sulking and huffing and eye-rolling, or your sister starts playing the victim and going on and on and on about the drama—what do we do? We turn to whoever's standing next to us and we vent. We walk into the kitchen and we say, "You are not going to believe what Tommy's girlfriend just did." Or you walk into the bedroom and you shut the door and you're like, "These people are driving me crazy. We have got to get out of here. I cannot stand my father's new wife. This is just absolutely horrific."
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's not what we're going to do. And I'm going to tell you why. Venting doesn't work. And I get it, it feels like it helps, right? But according to decades of research, it doesn't. Venting isn't helping. Venting makes things worse.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's take that exact moment. You come rolling in, the hugs happen. You've got five casseroles and four grocery bags and two dogs in tow. Now you know that a lot of that has just triggered an eight-year-old to come out. So as you're trying to make room for all the things that you've brought to accommodate your family, you're starting to get some huffs and some puffs and some moving things around. And now you're thinking, "Are we already going here? Like, I've been here ten minutes and now we're going to do this stressed-out thing again?" No, I'm fine. I'm fine. And now you're getting the silent treatment. And as you're trying to talk to the parent, they won't look you in the eye. And so you retreat, like you did when you were little. Because now they're tantruming in the kitchen, and now they're huffing and puffing, and now you're confused and hurt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So what do you do? Oh, you call a friend. You pace around in the bedroom upstairs. You go for a walk with the dog. You then rehash every detail with your partner as you're on the walk. You vent. "Can you believe it? We've only been here ten minutes. It always happens like this." And doesn't it feel so good? And it feels good, right? Because it feels like you're releasing something, and it feels like you're right. You're right. These people that I'm related to are crazy. Why do they drive me crazy? We are better than these people because we would not act like this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But here's the thing: you're not releasing something. You're pouring gasoline on the fire. Venting doesn't release the emotion. It reloads it. And science backs this up. I know that you've been told "just blow off steam," but guess what? Science says that's complete BS.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There is this massive 2024 meta-analysis out of Ohio State. A meta-analysis just means they took a bunch of other studies, analyzed them, and extracted the data. In this meta-analysis, they covered 154 anger studies, and they found not a single shred of scientific evidence that venting reduces anger. In fact, it often makes people angrier. Why? Because every time you rant—"My dad's always like this, my brother never helps"—every rant is a mental rep. You're not moving on. Listen to this: you're not moving on. Your brain is memorizing your outrage. That's crazy. You are locking that anger into your nervous system, which means, guess what? It makes it easier to get angry the next time. Every time you go off about it and vent, you're reinforcing the loop.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And let me say this: it is normal to want to vent. I have been one of the world's biggest venters, in fact. And once I read this research, I'm like, "I'm never venting again." Because I can see the more you do it, the more you vent, and the more you get stuck in this loop.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, research from UCLA shows that when someone listens to a friend vent, they often feel closer and more supportive of that friend. Why? Well, because there's this connection and being trusted. You feel like someone's leaning on you and that you matter. But there's a flip side to that closeness, and you probably have felt it, right? Because you know that saying, "Misery loves company"? Have you ever noticed that when you start venting about something, especially something family related—"It's not fair. She's always the favorite. They don't treat the grandkids equally"—you want the other person to get angry too. I see this with my daughters all the time. One of them will pull me into the kitchen to vent about someone who is in their life. The next thing I know, I'm kind of angry on their behalf.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me give you another example. There's probably someone in your family or your friend group who is dating somebody you don't like. Just think about that for a minute. There's somebody that you care about deeply—good friend of yours, sister, brother, maybe it's your dad, and your dad is now dating after divorce. Maybe it's your mom, and your mom's dating after divorce, and you don't like them. And now they're bringing that new boyfriend or girlfriend who drives you nuts to Thanksgiving. And you walk into the kitchen and you say, "Oh, you're not gonna believe what Sarah's boyfriend just did."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now here's where it gets tricky. Because when you vent about him, even if you don't say it directly, your sister feels it. She feels the judgment. She picks up on the tension. And what happens next? She feels like you're against her person. And so the more she feels like you and the family are against him or her, the more she's going to cling to them. Most people don't start distancing themselves from family because there's one big blowout. It's because there's a thousand tiny little slights, sideways comments, subtle eye rolls. It's death by a thousand microaggressions. And eventually, they stop showing up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm saying this because here's the thing, particularly in situations where you don't like the person and you're worried about who they're dating: the worst thing you could do is push your family member away. And you're going to push them away the more you judge their person. What you want to do instead is stop the venting and just let them be with this person. Let this person be somebody that annoys you. Let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. And you keep your peace and you don't react, because you want to keep your sister close. You don't want to push them to the person you're attacking, because then you're pushing your sister away.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You don't have to fake it. Just be intentional. Here's my favorite tip in terms of just being neutral, going with the flow. Just come with two questions prepared. Your questions can be about anything that you think will set the tone or cut the tension. And here's a really good one: "So, Bob, what's something you're looking forward to in the next 90 days?" Positive, safe, neutral, and even better: it sparks something real. And by the way, this works great on an uncle, an aunt, a negative parent, or a grandparent too. So, "What are you looking forward to in the next 90 days?" And when they're like... let them. And then come back to what we said. Figure out your why. Why are you here? Are you here to change everybody? Are you here out of obligation? Or are you here because it's important to you to spend time with your family?
--:-- Mel Robbins: If it's just important to you to spend time with your family and to spend time with your sister, that means you're spending time with her idiot boyfriend too. So just let him be who he is. Don't try to fix him. Ask a couple neutral questions. Go with the flow. And you've already won.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to something that most of us don't want to admit, but it's the key to everything we're talking about. Sometimes—and I think I'm hinting at this—you're the one that's reacting. You're the one who's snapping. You're the one who's pouting. You're the one who's easily offended. You're the difficult person. Your little eight-year-old person who's hurt and who is sulking is the one who's coming out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It also kind of begs the question: haven't you ever had that feeling after leaving a particularly challenging visit with family where you basically say, "Why do they get to me? Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so exhausted by not only their behavior and their reactions, but I'm almost more exhausted by my own emotional reaction?" Whether it's that you've shut down, or you got emotional and cried again, or that you got so offended, or maybe you exploded and you said something you regret, or you hit send too fast, or you were the one that spiraled or snapped or shut down. And everybody else, even though they were triggering you, they were like, "Why are you being so sensitive?" And then as you're driving home, you're like, "Why did I say that thing? Why did I pick that fight? Why did I even get involved?" We've all done it. I've done it. And I'm sure you've had experiences where you're like, "Why do I let this bother me?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I'm going to tell you why. There's some amazing research from Harvard-trained neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor that emotions are just a chemical surge. But here's the cool part: emotional reactions last about 90 seconds. But here's the catch: if you don't feed it. And this is a big deal. Because if you're standing in the kitchen and somebody does something that offends you and you have that chemical surge of emotional reaction, you might react emotionally. But what The Let Them Theory is going to teach you to do is life-changing. Because if you don't blow up, if you don't feed the emotions, if you don't react, if you don't take the bait when somebody's egging you on, and you just let the emotions inside of you rise and fall, guess what? The emotions disappear.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So the next time somebody says something that's emotionally exhausting or offensive, you can just learn to ride the wave. But if you get emotional because somebody says something that offends you, and then you think, "How freaking dare they? Why is this always happening with my mom or my dad?" All of a sudden, you're starting to spiral deeper. Because instead of just noticing the emotion rising and falling, you're now gripping onto it. You're now making it intensify. You're now letting your emotions run you over, which then leads you to getting into the fight, or getting offended, or getting upset.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There's a different way for you to operate using The Let Them Theory. And this is a key insight that I want to underscore: you cannot choose these emotional reactions that happen in you and other people, but you can always choose how you respond to them. Let me read to you from Chapter Seven, page 120: "You cannot control your emotions from rising up, and trying to is a waste of your time. There's a better strategy. Just learn to let them rise up and then fall without reacting. There's also nothing you can do that will ever allow you to control the emotional reactions in another human being, no matter how hard you try."
--:-- Mel Robbins: See, emotions are contagious. Seeing someone else who's sad or afraid or disgusted or angry can cause you to experience these same emotions in your own body. This explains why someone else's tone of voice, their shift in energy, their bad mood, their body language can immediately trigger you to feel on edge. And one more thing to understand is that whenever you or another person is hungry or tired or stressed out or under the influence or lonely or angry or hurt, guess what? You're going to be more emotional. And I say this because whenever I do or say something that I later regret, there's always stress, alcohol, or hunger involved.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Knowing all this helps me to better manage my emotions, and it helps me to stay in control of what I say, do, and think. And that's one of my biggest takeaways from using The Let Them Theory. You'll never, ever be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses because they are biological. They are automatic, just like how your stress response turns on automatically. However, you can choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, or in response to the world around you, or in response to the emotions that are rising up inside of you. And that's the source of all your power.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me give you a simple example around how you can use The Let Them Theory in this 90-second research about emotions rising and falling if you don't feed it. Let's say that you've been single for a while. And let's just say it's the holidays and you're at a big family gathering, and a particular aunt leans over and says, "So, have you met anybody yet?" Now, you know they mean well, but the question hits a nerve. If you've met somebody, you'd be talking about it. "Why is she asking me this?" You instantly feel exposed, judged, and annoyed. It's also the ant that just kind of grinds you a little bit and tends to just get up under your skin. And before you know it, you kind of turn in your chair, you're snapping, you reach for the second glass of red wine. Now you're withdrawing. You're venting about it to somebody else later that night. You're up in your head going, "This always happens. This is why I never should have come."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Or here's one that came up for a lot of people on the team as we were putting this episode together: you roll into your grandparents' or your parents' house, you do the hug, and the first thing out of their mouth is either, "You know, I never see you enough," or "You haven't been here in a year." And you're thinking, "I'm standing here right now. Like, why are we talking about what's happened in the past? Can you just please be with me in the moment? Why can't we just enjoy being together? Why do you have to comment on what's not happening? Jesus." Can you see how fast you can get yourself all triggered?
--:-- Mel Robbins: But if you know that's going to happen, or you know there's going to be a slight, and you know your reason for going is to be with family, so you're just going to go with the flow, and you're going to let your grandma be your grandma. You're going to let your parents be your parents. And as that comes up through your body, what are you going to do? You're going to remember The Let Them Theory. Just let me pause. Let me breathe. Let me not give this any more power than it requires or deserves.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me just say one other thing. I said that it's a really important tool to anchor yourself in why you are going. If you hate your family that much, if they're that horrible, don't go. And if there's unresolved business, the holidays and big family get-togethers are not the time. It's just not the time. People's emotions are already running high. Everyone's tired. They're overwhelmed. They are hosting. It's chaotic when people come into your house and when you've got lots of people around. It can bring up a lot for everybody when all the personalities are around and all the old stuff comes up. That's not the time to bring up a deep family issue. That's not the time to unload your frustration. Don't expect to unpack years of baggage at the Thanksgiving table. That's not appropriate because nobody is mature enough to handle it, and that's not the reason why you're going.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Instead, go in with your values front and center. And if one of your values is making an effort with your family, then that's your compass. And if someone's in a bad mood, or if they bring up old stuff, you don't have to manage it. You don't have to fix it. If someone's sulking, you don't have to be the private investigator of the family and figure it out. You're there to be with family. You're there to go with the flow. So stay focused on what matters, which is showing up, not fixing everything. Remind yourself: "Just let me stay calm. Let me take the high road. Let me be the adult in the room. Let me remember why I'm here. And let me respond from a place that is mature." That's the power of "let me."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And one of the big questions that I get from readers around the world is how to use The Let Them Theory with making better boundaries. Well, first of all, "let them" and "let me" are the world's best boundaries. Because when you say "let them"—just let my family be who they are, just let them be who they're not—you're drawing a boundary between yourself and your family members. And that's an important boundary because you're cueing to yourself that your job is not to fix people, control them, or change them. Your job is to see them as they are. So that's boundary number one.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Boundary number two that you need is "let me." Let me focus on what's in my control here. And we've talked about a number of things that are in your control. One of them is understanding why you're showing up in the first place. Another one is understanding the psychology of how somebody who's hosting gets easily triggered because they're stressed out. And so how you can just let me go with the flow, let me lower my expectations, and let me focus on why I'm here. Because if I'm just focused on showing up to be with family, it's easier to go with the flow.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But another boundary and way that you can use "let me" is by recognizing two areas where you actually have complete control. One of them is time, and the other one is topics. And I love this because boundaries are not things that you signal to other people. A boundary is a rule that you have for yourself. And that's what "let me" is all about: taking responsibility for yourself. So let me have rules around time, because you're in control of how long you're going to stay. You're in control, and you get to decide what events you're going to attend and when it's time to leave. You get to choose. Is two days your limit? Is three days? Is one night at your parents' house or your sister's house the limit? Do you stay in a hotel? Do you stay on site? That's the way that you can think about time. "Let me determine how much time works for me."
--:-- Mel Robbins: My family has this rule that we laugh about: we're really good for about three days, and then everything goes to hell. Because everybody gets completely stressed out and frustrated with each other, and then we start having blowups about everything. So three days is an excellent time boundary.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The second boundary on "let me" is topics. You get to choose what you will and won't talk about, right? You talk about work, money, dating, politics. You can give yourself permission to not get pulled into debates, not get pulled into arguments that leave you feeling drained or angry, and to not engage in topics where you self-silence. And a great example of a topic boundary actually goes back to one of the questions from our listeners: "I'm feeling stressed because my parents are divorced and my mom's always thrashing my dad." That's an excellent example where the "let me" part is: "Let me say, Mom, I don't want to hear about Dad. I'm not available to talk about it. So let's talk about something else." That's the perfect way to use the "let me" part to draw a boundary and just shut it down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if somebody crosses your line, you can simply redirect. You don't need to defend yourself. You can say, "I don't want to get into that today. Let's talk about your garden." That's it. It's just a redirect. And I love that because a redirect—"let me just direct this in a different way"—keeps you in control. And I love these two boundaries because I think that's all you need.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Around this time of year, you start to see a ton of stuff online about big boundaries and big, bold declarations. "Before you see your family, get those boundaries in place." Well, here's what I'm going to tell you: if your family's that bad, don't go, number one. Because you shouldn't have to armor up in order to protect yourself in an environment like that. If you already have to say, "I will not be spoken to that way," you probably shouldn't be going to the dinner. The fire is already burning. The temperature in that room is way too hot. So instead of walking in swinging, instead of bracing, instead of gripping the wheel as you drive, just walk in smart. And you've got your boundaries with time. You've got your boundaries with topic. You understand you're just letting people be who they are because they've always been this way. You're not expecting them to be any different.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But if you notice that things are slipping, if you notice that the redirecting isn't working, if you notice that there's a little bit more conflict happening, there are simple ways to diffuse it. And there's a line that I've been using a lot that I really love, as somebody recently tried to pick an argument with me. And it's this: "I see the facts differently." That's it. "I see the facts differently." When you say, "I see the facts differently," you are telling the person that's trying to pick an argument that this is not up for debate. I'm not arguing about the facts, and I see the facts differently. That's it. It's simple. It's firm. It is respectful. It's confident.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And one other thing that I want to share with you that has been an incredible strategy that I've learned using The Let Them Theory: the more I've learned to let people be who they are, the more I've embraced the reality that people are not changing. And I'm not going to fix this or improve the dynamic by changing them. I've got to change how I approach this. Everything flips. I don't walk in bracing for conflict, because when you let people be who they are and who they're not, you don't have to brace. You know exactly who you're dealing with.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you've got somebody who's narcissistic, they've always been that way. Let them. That way you don't have to brace. You can expect it to be that way. If you have somebody who's self-centered, let them. If you have a victim in your family, let them be the victim all the time. You don't even need to brace for it because you actually recognize it. And what ends up happening when you're no longer bracing for conflict—you're embracing the reality. It is what it is, as some people like to say. You now have the time and energy to have a plan to redirect things and bring totally different energy, the kind of energy that you want to experience. When you change the energy, you set the tone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So stop preparing to defend yourself, and instead prepare something else that's fun. Why not pack a puzzle? Why not pack a card game? How about you find fun little gifts for everybody, or use AI and come up with a bunch of questions that get people talking? "What are you looking forward to?" Find a way to spread out the energy in the room. For example, what I love is: look at where you're going. Do a little bit of research. See if there's anything cool going on, whether it's a corn maze or a new museum, and actually plan for it. Have you ever noticed a lot of the time when you go see family, everybody arrives and it's like, "What are we doing tomorrow?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, whatever you want. But nobody's planned anything. And so everybody's sitting around. But you can bring the energy of adventure. You could bring the energy of, hey, let's all go do this. You can bring the energy of spreading out a puzzle because people roll their eyes, but then they're going to come over and start doing the puzzle with you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me read one last passage from *The Let Them Theory*. This is from the chapter, "How to Love Difficult People," on page 103. And, you know, we've talked a lot about how other people are annoying, but the truth is family matters. And so does connection.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the greatest things about learning how to use The Let Them Theory and bringing it home to your family gatherings, and giving The Let Them Theory to everybody in your family, is that it actually teaches you, through acceptance and through emotional maturity, how to create the space for a deeper connection with the people that you really love in your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I get it. It is easy to be irritated or offended by your parents. It's easy to blame them. It's also easy to feel frustrated and annoyed with the dynamics with your siblings or your divorced parents or your in-laws or your step-parents or your adult children. It's easy to choose not to understand their perspectives. But you have to decide whether or not you're going to accept people as they are—your family and your step-family especially—or create the distance that you need.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because all it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system can change for the better. And that person is you. I mean it. You are so much more powerful than you believe. That's why I love The Let Them Theory. By learning to focus on what you can control—your thoughts, your actions, your energy, your healing—you unlock the power to change not only yourself, but the world around you. It all starts with you. That's how much power you have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Anytime you improve yourself, it improves all your relationships. And this is particularly true with family. I've felt this impact in my own family. The stuff that used to bother me doesn't stress me out anymore. I don't allow myself to get sucked into the drama. I just stay laser focused on how I show up and living my life in a way that makes me proud.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the things that I've determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out, or trying to control situations that are beyond my control, or change people who aren't ready to change—it's a waste of time. Because here's the truth: you have a limited amount of time with your loved ones. At some point, you're gonna realize that your parents aren't going to be here forever and that this was their first time as a human being too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and they don't want to. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale, because they're doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. And now you get to choose what happens moving forward.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm not saying this to justify anything bad that happened. I'm not saying that you don't deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved, particularly by their family. But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. And if they haven't done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in the way that you deserve. Let them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you recognize that, you have a choice in your life. Let your family be who they are. Your dad's not changing. Your mom's not changing. Your siblings aren't changing. Your in-laws aren't changing. The only person you can change is you. When you say "let them," you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time in your life, perhaps. They're human. And you have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean surrendering. It's about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it. And I promise you, your family dynamics will get better too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And in case no one else tells you this, as your friend, I will tell you. I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to use everything that you and I have talked about today to deal with difficult people, situations, and emotions that used to drive you crazy, and still find peace. But come from a place of acceptance and compassion, because that's the way you're going to connect more deeply with the people that drive you crazy that you still love.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. All right, you ready? No, you're good. Okay, here we go. These glasses are still so dirty. Chris just got in, so I think I might need a second before the beeps and the honks and the walk-in in the garage. Woo, we're going to have a throat-clearing thing. Jessie, sorry, lots of edits today. How was that? Do you remember what page I was on? That's how we do it, people.
--:-- [Sound of a throat clear]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This segment is sponsored by Celebrity Cruises. Here's what I love about Celebrity Cruises. They'll take you to nearly 300 destinations across all seven continents, and the ship itself feels like part of the destination. Whether you're walking the streets of Europe or, oh my gosh, breathing in the quiet of Alaska, or just lying on a beach doing absolutely nothing. It's a break from the routine and a chance to make real memories with people you love.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So my husband, Chris, and I just took this trip to Montana. No big plans, no packed itinerary. And I wanted to go to Montana because we had honeymooned in Montana 29 years ago, and we haven't been back since. And honestly, Chris and I, we just wanted a chance to slow down and soak in the last stretch of summer before life picked back up again. Oh my gosh, we laughed so much. We fished. We didn't take ourselves too seriously. I got out on the river to fish three times.
--:-- Mel Robbins: 29 years ago, after we got married, Chris got me this beautiful fly fishing rod as my wedding present. And I have to say, being out there with Chris on the river and using my 29-year-old wedding present all these years later, it just made me feel calm. I loved every single second of it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And one morning, we were just sitting outside our cabin, no phones, no music, just coffee, the mountains in front of us. Oh, the sound, the sound of the water in the distance. And I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd sat still like that. I mean, I live in Vermont, which is stunning when it comes to nature, but still my house is—I mean, it's almost like another office, right? You always got something you got to be doing. So it can be hard to appreciate the natural beauty around it and be fully present. But holy cow, out in Montana with Chris, no pressure, no deadlines, no to-do list running through my head.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it hit me right there. My normal life is loud, not just with noise, but with pressure and expectations and constant motion. And it's not that anything's wrong. I am blessed to have the life that I have. So I'm not saying feel bad for me, don't feel bad for me. But it's just constant. The noise, the pressure, it's constant. And I know you can relate to that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That morning in Montana, as the noise faded away and the quiet took hold, I was reminded of something I had forgotten. You shouldn't need to break to realize that you need a break. And you should take a break because you're human. You need a pause so you can reconnect with yourself, with your life, with the wonderful people you choose to experience life with. A change of place and pace gives you a change in perspective. You stop performing, you start being.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I bet you felt this too. That sense of going through the motions, even when everything looks fine on paper. You tell yourself, "Oh, I'm just going to power through. I got to keep pushing it, stay busy. At some point, I get through all this stuff. Can I take a break?" But here's the thing: clarity doesn't live in the grind. Clarity lives in the quiet moments, the ones you give yourself permission to have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's your nudge from your friend Mel. You don't need a reason to plan something. The reason is that you're a human being. The reason is the laughter, the stillness, the reminder that you're allowed to take a break. Take the trip, whether it's a vacation or a staycation. Step away from the noise, whether it's just for a day or it's for a weekend, or if you can take the week. Because even if you just step away for a moment, you'll come back to your life with new eyes. And that's the whole point.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I wanna give a huge shout out to Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this bonus segment. If you're ready to get out of your routine and back into your life, this is your sign. You can have the intimate feel of a smaller ship with a variety of larger ones. With Celebrity Cruises, you get this really unique experience. It's elevated, but totally relaxed. I'm talking world-class dining, endless entertainment, beautiful accommodations. Learn more at celebritycruises.com. Ships Registry, Malta and Ecuador.
