8 Habits That Will Change Your Life: The Expert Advice You Need This Year

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. This year, we had 43 amazing experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast, and some of them were so incredible, they actually appeared a couple times. I started to wonder, who were the favorites for you and your fellow listeners around the world? I mean, I'm talking the best of the best. So I decided to figure it out. What episodes did you share the most? What did you comment on? What specific moments did you watch over and over again on YouTube?

Mel Robbins: Well, I've crunched the data. I've reviewed hundreds of hours of our podcast from this year. Today I'm so thrilled because I have the best of the best of the best from this past year on the Mel Robbins podcast. We've got takeaways, science-backed advice, laughter, tears, and you're going to want to listen all the way to the end. Here's why: I've got the most moving moments from the Mel Robbins podcast waiting for you, and it wouldn't be the year-end best of episode without me compiling the very best bloopers of the year too. All right, let's do this.

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so fired up that you're here today. It's always an honor to be able to spend time together, but today especially. You want to know why? Because I'm going to hand the mic over to you. This episode today is all about your favorite moments and your fellow listeners' favorite moments from the Mel Robbins podcast over the past year. If you're brand new, I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. This is the perfect episode for you to listen to as your very first episode, because you're going to get a sampling of the kind of experts we talk to on this podcast every single week. And you're going to love it.

Mel Robbins: The fact is, I get hundreds of messages, emails, and comments from you about episodes that hit home all year long. The ones that made you stop in your tracks, the ones that made you replay a clip over and over, the ones that you kept sending to someone that you love. First of all, it was so fun to just dig in and crunch the data and compile this episode. In fact, if you're watching on YouTube, I'm going to hold up this piece of paper. I'm going to describe it to you. My team assembled—you know when you were in high school and they did the end of the year superlatives where it's like the best this and the best that? I won teacher's pet, by the way. That was my superlative, which means I guess I'm a suck-up.

Mel Robbins: Well, my team gathered this amazing collage of all of the experts that are featured today. I feel like it's the Mel Robbins yearbook that we're going to be covering today. We've spent hours reviewing these standout moments. We've looked at YouTube, these moments that you would just pause, go back, rewatch. We've looked at the episodes that you shared, that you commented on, that you wrote in about. We noticed which experts you were like, "Could you have them come back?" Here's what I want to say: you and I are in for such a treat. I'm excited because I know what you're about to hear. Even just compiling this, I was reminded of the experts that really changed a lot about our approach to relationships. There were episodes that helped you conquer your fears, stories that made you laugh, cry, or just feel like you're not alone.

Mel Robbins: Today, we have compiled it all for you, and we're diving into the greatest moments—the moments that left the biggest impression on this extraordinary global community. Whether you've been riding with me since the beginning of this podcast two years ago, or you are tuning in for the first time, oh my gosh, did you pick a winner, because you're about to hear the moments that you said made the biggest impact in your life and in the lives of the people that you love.

Mel Robbins: One more thing I want to say before we jump in, because we have a lot to cover today: like every single episode that we do, if you look at the notes of the episode, you're going to find links to every single one of the podcasts that we are discussing today. So you're not going to miss a thing. If you're brand new, this is like a playlist that is the best of the best. It's the perfect place for you to start, and you can find all those links in the show notes. All righty.

Mel Robbins: I wanted to start with one of the most viral clips of the entire year. What does that mean? It means this is one of the moments from the podcast this year that you shared more than any other moment. The jury has decided, case is closed. You loved Dr. Tara Swart. She is an incredible MD, PhD, and neuroscientist. She's a professor at MIT, and she flew all the way from London to be in our Boston studios to be with you. You loved absolutely everything that she shared in this episode about how to apply neuroscience and the scientific findings in her research around brain functioning to your life. But holy cow, did you love everything that she shared about stress.

Mel Robbins: She shared so much with us that I'm going to break this down step by step so you really get it. This was a moment that went so viral that when you watch the podcast on YouTube, you would literally stop and go backward and play it over and over. You shared this episode over and over. The first thing that you're going to hear is something I had never heard before: the impact that stress has on your belly fat. What you're about to hear is Dr. Tara talking about stress and the evolutionary background of the function of stress. Then we're going to get into this shocking finding: the more stressed out you are, the more your body creates belly fat. Check this out.

Dr. Tara Swart: Cortisol is known as the stress hormone, and it absolutely correlates with emotions such as fear, anger, disgust, shame, and sadness. Cortisol isn't all bad. We need it to wake up in the morning. We need it to have an adaptive stress response to, you know, a car driving too fast on the street that we're trying to cross. As long as it stays within that range, that's fine. But when something super stressful happens, like the saber-toothed tiger that we spoke about earlier, the cortisol levels spike, and that enables us to run away, to warn our tribe. It should go back to normal levels quite quickly.

Dr. Tara Swart: In the modern day, as I mentioned earlier, we're so overwhelmed with information. There are so many psychological threats to our safety that most people's levels are high. They're either at the higher end or higher, and that's pretty constant, whereas they should be undulating between that range. When that happens, because cortisol is carried in the blood supply around the body and it crosses the blood-brain barrier, there are receptors in the brain that monitor the levels of cortisol in a way to sense threat in our environment. When those levels are high most of the time or all the time, or higher than the higher end of the threshold, the brain immediately thinks, "I'm about to die. What is the biggest threat to my survival?"

Dr. Tara Swart: In some ways, because it's from so long ago, we're wired in such a cave-person way. The first threat that the brain will consider is starvation. Even though that's for most of us, thank goodness, not the biggest threat to our survival—in fact, quite the opposite. To try to protect us from dying of starvation, one of the things that cortisol does is lay down extra fat in the abdominal fat cells, so that if we are unable to hunt or gather for some time, we can digest that fat and stay alive until a food source becomes available.

Mel Robbins: Wait, so are you saying that stress is causing belly fat?

Dr. Tara Swart: Yeah.

Mel Robbins: It's not just causing fat. It's specifically causing belly fat.

Dr. Tara Swart: So you may not have changed your shape in the rest of your body, but if you're noticing that your belt has become tighter, that's a sign that you could have chronic cortisol. The other thing is that it's fat that's particularly stubborn. If you do notice that the belt is tighter and you think, "Okay, I definitely need to move a bit more or eat a bit less," and you actually start doing one or both of those things, but the belly fat doesn't change—that's because the cortisol is driving the fat there regardless of your behavior in the physical world. That's all initiated in the brain because the brain is picking up on higher levels of cortisol.

Mel Robbins: Did you hear that? That was the first time I had ever heard the connection between stress and belly fat, but it makes so much sense, doesn't it? The next thing I was curious about was I asked her, "Okay, well, how do high levels of stress impact the functioning of the brain?" Check out what she had to say.

Dr. Tara Swart: I'm going to do brain and body, if that's okay. Think of cortisol as a corrosive agent that's literally flowing through your entire brain and body. In the body, it starts to erode your immunity. You might notice more colds and flus more often, or ones that last for weeks and weeks. I certainly remember during the financial crisis when I worked with a lot of banks and hedge funds, people saying, "I've had this cold for four, six, eight weeks, but everybody has it." I had to say to them, "Do you hear what you're saying? It's not normal to have a cold for six weeks." This is cortisol. At the extreme end of that, people were dropping dead of heart attacks on trading floors. Lowering your immunity and corroding your body that much can cause everything from colds and flus to heart attacks and cancers.

Dr. Tara Swart: In the brain, what happens is what I call "low power mode," like on your phone. Once those receptors know there's an imminent threat to our survival, think of the highest functions of the brain: thinking creatively, thinking flexibly, solving complex problems, overriding our biases, regulating our emotions. How are those going to serve us now that we're just trying to survive physically? We don't need those things. Don't send any blood supply to those higher functions. Bring it right down to get up in the morning, go and sit at your desk, look like you're doing your job even if you actually can't really do it. This is the reason that presenteeism costs businesses more than double what absenteeism does.

Dr. Tara Swart: In that low power mode, it would be better to stay at home for two days and recover, then come back to work and actually function and work with your team. Stress impairs the higher functioning of the brain. It just moves the blood supply away from it because you're not going to give up your precious resources for functions like that. To put that into context for you, Mel: the brain is a tiny organ. It's a tiny percentage of your whole body, maybe two or three percent. But it uses up 20 to 30 percent of the breakdown products of what you eat.

Mel Robbins: Wow.

Dr. Tara Swart: That's how hard it's working. It's using up 20 percent of what you ate that day when you're asleep. It's using up 25 percent of what you eat when you're working, managing, leading, running your family. Just thinking—right now we're probably both using 25 percent. But if you're stressed, it's using 30 percent.

Mel Robbins: It's so fascinating, isn't it? One of the things that I read about in her work is that she has found that stress is contagious. This is a really important concept to understand so you can protect yourself from other people's stress and you don't catch it, because now we know the impact of it. What you're going to hear her talk about is some research regarding what happens among silverback gorillas—how stress travels in and among silverback gorillas and how the exact same thing is happening to you and me. Check this out.

Dr. Tara Swart: The silverback gorillas' stress levels affect the other gorillas more than gorillas of the same status. It happens in business, and it happens in the home. The leader, in quote marks, of the entity—their stress levels will impact other people more than the other way around or people of equal status. So, the highly stressed boss, as an example, the highly stressed parent.

Mel Robbins: Interesting.

Dr. Tara Swart: Yeah.

Mel Robbins: Well, it makes sense because if you think about it, whether it's in the example of the silverback or you take a family system or a work system, if the person in charge of your paycheck is stressed out, their stress is a direct threat to your financial survival. That's why it triggers you like that. That makes a lot of sense that stress would be contagious and affect everybody around you. So if stress is contagious, how do you protect yourself from other people's stuff?

Dr. Tara Swart: I think the answer to that is both how do you reduce your own stress if you're the stressed person, and how do you protect yourself from other people's stress. It's mostly through mindfulness activities—activities that connect the brain and the body. The glands in the brain are talking to the adrenal glands and creating this stress situation. The way to decrease their activity is through activities like meditation, yoga, time in nature, journaling, gratitude—all of those things that reduce levels of cortisol, move your autonomic nervous system from sympathetic, which is fright, flight, fight, to parasympathetic, which is rest and recover. Lower your heartbeat, lower your blood pressure. Simply lowering your own stress insulates you from other people's stress.

Mel Robbins: Yes.

Dr. Tara Swart: But with both versions of it—whether it's your own or others'—addressing the root cause is important. What you don't want to be doing is just continually shielding yourself from something that's not changing.

Mel Robbins: This is so important. I don't know about you, but I just love the way she explains things. When I hear "adrenal glands" and I hear the functioning of the brain, it makes me feel more motivated to want to put up that personal force field. That's what you're doing, because you don't want to catch your boss's stress. You don't want your spouse or your kids or your roommate's stress to impact you, and it shouldn't. You want to know another thing that is super effective, at least it has been for me: saying "let them." The "let them" theory is another force field that you can create. You can see that somebody else's stress—your boss's, let's just take that situation, or maybe your professor who's going to grade your exams—their stress feels threatening, but it doesn't have to. Dr. Tara taught you that it's contagious and you have to protect yourself from it. So just say, "Let them. Let them be stressed, and I'm going to put the force field up."

Mel Robbins: One other reason why I love this is because she's not just giving you an explanation; she's also handing you a solution. When you not only understand what's going on inside your body or inside someone else's, you can see it coming, and it amplifies the reason why simple things like meditation, taking a walk outside, simply taking a deep breath, or reminding yourself "let them—their stress is theirs, doesn't have to be mine" are so powerful. That's why this is such a game changer. That's why I think you loved that moment on the podcast as much as I did, because it not only made you smarter, it equipped you with what you needed to do. I love that.

Mel Robbins: While we're on the topic of stress, that brings me to our next all-star from this past year: Dr. Aditi Nerurkar. You loved her. I love her. I feel like she's one of those people that you just want to listen to because you feel like she really gets it. She's been on the show twice this past year. I am definitely going to have her back in 2025 because I can't get enough. Let me share some of her background with you. Dr. Aditi is a Harvard-trained medical doctor and a renowned authority in stress management and public health. She's a lecturer at Harvard Medical School. Previously, she was the director of an integrative medicine program at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital that specialized in evidence-based stress management techniques and was one of the largest stress management clinics in the world.

Mel Robbins: Every time you listen to Dr. Aditi, you're going to feel like you got both a warm hug and a brain upgrade. On her first appearance this year, she brought the goods. I'm talking groundbreaking research, simple exercises you could use, mind-blowing realizations that made you really rethink how you handle stress. In this next clip that you're about to hear, she tees up and destroys one of the biggest myths around how you should live your life and be successful right out of the gate. Let's take a listen.

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: One of the biggest myths is that you are meant to be functioning at a high capacity without any need for rest or recovery. That productivity is linear. The more you do, the more you can accomplish. Then the more you do, the more you can accomplish. It's just supposed to be this feedback loop that's supposed to continue on and on and on. That's a myth. A break is not just a nice-to-have luxury. Your brain and your body need a break. It is a biological necessity for your brain and body to rest and recover. Human productivity is not linear. It functions on a curve. Think of a bell-shaped curve. The left of the curve, when you don't have a lot of stress, you're not very motivated, you're not very productive. Think about the right side of the curve: so much stress, you are keyed up. Many of us are living on this right side of the curve.

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: There is a sweet spot of human productivity right in the middle. It's "just right" stress. I call it the Goldilocks Principle. It's this idea that we are all to the right of that bell-shaped curve. We are anxious. We have so much stress. We're not productive. We can't focus. It's hard to get things done. The science suggests that moving back—how do you get to that center spot, the sweet spot of human productivity?—is to scale back. But you can't scale back. That's not realistic because we have real constraints. We have constraints on our time. We have obligations with work and parenting. Instead, you have to honor your breaks. How do you scale back? How do you apply this science to your everyday life? You honor your breaks. How do you do that? When you are taking a break during the day, what do most of us do? We mindlessly scroll. We've already talked about what happens with scrolling. This isn't a benign thing that you are doing. You are actively influencing your brain and your body for more stress.

Mel Robbins: I want to make sure that you heard the last line that she said, because this is super important. I'm guilty of scrolling. You're guilty of scrolling when you just want to zone out. But what Dr. Aditi just said is that when you and I are scrolling, you're actively influencing your brain and body for more stress, which means by scrolling, you're creating more stress for yourself. It's like you're priming your brain and your body to feel more stress. When she said that, I know you had the same reaction: "Why would I want to create more stress for myself?" The reason why this is important is because if you understand the implications of picking up your phone—because we mindlessly do it—maybe you're going to feel more motivated to not do it.

Mel Robbins: I asked Dr. Aditi, "If mindlessly scrolling on your phone creates more stress and it's priming my body and brain to feel more stressed, what the heck should I be doing instead of scrolling?" I want you to take a listen very closely, because Dr. Aditi is about to walk you through an extraordinarily simple technique that she created. She's going to explain how she created it as a very stressed-out medical school resident. This is the exact same technique she prescribes when she is working with patients in her clinical practice. This is one of the most renowned and respected doctors in stress on the planet, and this is the method she's using with her patients.

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: Try some heart-centered breathing. Take a little walk outside. Do some stretches. Touch your toes. Stand up. Twist. Do something where you're connecting your breath to your movement. Tap into your mind-body connection. Practice "Stop, Breathe, Be." It's a three-second exercise. What is that? The "Stop, Breathe, Be" method—the instructions are in the name. It's a three-second exercise. You stop, you breathe, and you be. You ground your feet on the floor. I learned the "Stop, Breathe, Be" method. It was the first technique I learned to reset my mind-body connection when I was in the throes of stress as a stressed medical resident. I was working 80 hours a week. I was seeing 30 to 40 patients a day. I brought the "Stop, Breathe, Be" method into my life when I would knock on the door of the patient room before I would enter. It was my doorknob moment. As I turned the doorknob, I would say to myself, often under my breath in a crowded place, "Stop, breathe, be." Then I would enter. I did that incrementally over and over and over again, 30, 40 times a day. Over time, I could just do it anywhere.

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: In fact, before we started speaking, I was so excited because I was having a total fangirl moment. Still am. It's been a long time of my amygdala going off. But no, just kidding. I was having a fangirl moment. I'm not kidding about that. I did "Stop, Breathe, Be." In fact, the entire time that we've been speaking, I've been very aware of my feet on the floor, my posture in the chair, and how I am breathing, because that is important to manage and modulate your stress response. You can practice "Stop, Breathe, Be" during mundane, everyday moments of your life. I did it with the doorknob. You can do it between Zoom meetings. "Stop, Breathe, Be." It's a little mini reset. Small, micro reset, three seconds. You can practice it when you're brushing your teeth. I have practiced it in the morning when you're getting lunches ready for school, getting everything ready. I do it always at the doorknob before I'm about to go into the garage to do school bus stop drop-off. "Stop, breathe, be." I think, "Oh my God, we forgot the project. Did you bring your hat? We need to get this. We need to get that." It's just the reset that you need.

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: The reason the "Stop, Breathe, Be" method works so well is because anxiety and anxious thoughts are a future-focused emotion. It is about "what if." What if this happens? What if that happens? What if I fail? What if I can't do well? What if, what if, what if? "Stop, Breathe, Be" gets you out of "what if" thinking and gets you back into "what is."

Mel Robbins: Amazing. "Stop, Breathe, Be." I mean, what could be more simple? But it really is powerful. I'm going to tell you, ever since Dr. Aditi taught you and me that, I've been using it. You can use it anytime you want. You feel yourself start spiraling. You feel the stress kick in. You feel yourself getting nervous. I always just put my hand on my heart. It's almost like I signal myself, "Okay, we're going to do this." I stop. I take a breath in. I just be there in the moment.

Mel Robbins: I have used this when I'm driving the car. I've used this before I grab my wallet to pay for something. If I feel myself getting nervous about something, I use it as I grab the handle of the fridge, because oftentimes I'm going to the fridge because I'm kind of stressed. "Stop, breathe, be." You can be at your laptop. You can have just finished a video conference call or a Zoom meeting and it was a little stressful, and now you're like, "Oh my God." So before you close the laptop, just "Stop, breathe, be." You can do it anywhere.

Mel Robbins: What I love about this technique from Dr. Aditi—and I said this earlier—this is the exact same technique that she is giving and teaching to her patients. She prescribes this as a Harvard medical doctor running one of the largest stress management clinics in the world. It works because it creates a micro moment of peace in your life, a moment where you can take control, where you can hit that reset.

Mel Robbins: Since we're talking about taking breaks, this feels like the perfect time to hit the pause button and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words with you. But don't go anywhere, because after we take this short break, I'm going to be waiting for you. We have the single most popular topic of the entire year and about seven more amazing experts waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us.

[BREAK]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so glad you're here with me because we are covering your favorite moments from the podcast of the entire year. If you had asked me, "Mel, what do you think the most popular topic of the year is going to be on the entire Mel Robbins podcast?" I probably would have said something like, "I don't know, motivation, relationships." I would not have thought it was menopause. Here's why: the listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast are all ages, all over the world. I wouldn't have thought that it would have been a topic that impacts women of a certain age. But the fact is, you have a mom, you have older sisters, you have people in your life that are going through this. Maybe it's your wife. This became our most popular episode, not only because the topic is relevant to people in your life, but because the expert was absolutely extraordinary.

Mel Robbins: I'm talking about the one and only Dr. Mary Claire Haver. Dr. Haver is a board-certified OB-GYN and a menopause expert. She's also a two-time New York Times bestselling author. She specializes in women's health and is a certified menopause practitioner. She's also the bestselling author of the brand new book *The New Menopause*, which is packed with accessible insights into navigating this journey. Every single day, 6,000 women in the United States alone enter menopause. Menopause for a lot of us is a phase that you dread. Dr. Haver helps you move from dreading it to feeling empowered. Let me tell you something: after this conversation, I'm sure either you or the people that you forwarded this to felt the exact same thing. "Holy cow, why didn't anybody ever tell me this? I found the off switch for my hot flashes. I unlocked the door to better sleep. I started feeling like I loved my body again." Why? Because of all the things that Dr. Haver explained in plain English. She's saying, "No, no, no, no, this is not a time where you're put out to pasture. This is a time where you've got to kick it up into high gear because you can thrive."

Mel Robbins: Her groundbreaking approach insists that no one should be suffering through this phase of your life, because you're going to spend a third of your life in menopause. This episode sparked not just a movement for women navigating menopause, but also for people who love and support them. There were so many important moments in this conversation that this would be a very good one to listen to the whole thing if you hadn't heard it, and certainly send the link to everybody that you love that is approaching menopause or in menopause. I selected this moment because it's the most comprehensive tactical advice, which is what we all want to hear. What you're going to hear Dr. Haver cover is the top three things that she recommends to her patients that they need to be eating. She's going to talk to you about the specific type of exercise that you need to be doing if you're in menopause. She's going to give you tips about getting a better night's sleep. She's got a very, very important warning about your phone and about alcohol, which is something you need to hear. She's going to kick all of this information off by talking about the three things she recommends that every woman in menopause needs to be eating. Check this out.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: If I had my top three things I would recommend to everyone: fiber. Track your fiber for a couple of weeks. Get a nutrition tracker. See where you're at. Fiber does so much in our bodies. Number one, it feeds the gut microbiome. That's its food. That's the prebiotic.

Mel Robbins: Give me an example of what fiber is.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Legumes.

Mel Robbins: Berries?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Legumes. So beans.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Beans.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: It's a class of beans. Peanuts are actually legumes as well. Typically really high in fiber. Berries, really high in fiber. Seeds and nuts, really high in fiber. Avocado—that's my go-to to make sure I'm getting my fiber gold. Also has healthy fats and other vitamins and minerals and nutrients.

Mel Robbins: Magnesium. This confuses me because I'm not quite sure what type of magnesium to take.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Oh, great question. Your glycinates, your tarates, your citrates, and L-threonate are good because they're readily absorbed into the bloodstream. Now we have nice magnesium levels in our blood. There's also benefit—some of them are better than others about crossing that blood-brain barrier. The brain protects itself. There's a membrane around the brain that doesn't have this 100% free flow of nutrients back and forth. It's really selective about what it lets in. Mag-L-threonate—MagTeen or NeuroMag are the brand names—has been studied in SSRI-resistant depression. Antidepressant-resistant depression in patients. They've added this in. It seemed to be helpful. In my patients and followers, it's so helpful for sleep, anxiety. I'm often recommending that one at night.

Mel Robbins: And what one was that one?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Magnesium L-threonate. Okay. So you're saying fiber's number one. Magnesium is number two.

Mel Robbins: How do you get magnesium naturally?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Pumpkin seeds, spinach, leafy greens are rich in mag generally. I have a lot of lists on my website where we list all this stuff.

Mel Robbins: We will link to all this. And what's the third thing?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: So I'm always looking at omega-3 fatty acids. Omegas are usually found in fatty fish, also in flax. One of my favorite ways, I'll do this little yogurt, and I'll have flax, hemp, and chia seeds. So I'm just hitting all my antioxidants, my anti-inflammatory, my fiber all in one. So omega-3s, if you can't get a good source of that, that's a very reasonable thing to supplement every day. One of the richest sources of that is going to be your salmon, your mackerel, your tuna, your fatty fish, your cold water fish. And then I check a vitamin D level on every woman who will let me stick a needle in her. 80% of my patients, not just low, I mean deficient. And there's a million reasons for this. We don't absorb it very well because our gut health declines. We're protecting our skin from the sun, which is another place. And we're not really creating it in our skin as fast as we used to. So vitamin D is a hormone that has a million processes in the body. So I'm like, let's start here and get those vitamin D levels up because you're just not working as efficiently as you could.

Mel Robbins: So again, about 70, 80% of my patients have an unexplained, no changes in diet or exercise, rise in cholesterol, absolutely secondary to estrogen deficiency. And again, rushing to put her on a statin will make her cholesterol go down, but is not going to decrease her risk of cardiovascular disease. And women who are on HRT have higher HDLs and lower LDLs than women who are not when you compare the two groups. So just being menopausal is an independent risk factor for an unhealthy cholesterol profile.

Mel Robbins: So what kind of exercise is critical?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: I grew up in the 80s, and I was the cardio queen. I did so many step aerobics classes. I taught them. It would make your head spin.

Mel Robbins: I can actually see that. I would take a step aerobics class with you.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: All of my exercise was to be thin. Yep. And to maintain a certain body shape that was part of my social currency. And if I could go back and talk to what I tell my children all the time, we need to move our bodies to be strong, not skinny. And that we are chipping away this constant caloric restriction and all this cardio is chipping away at our bone and muscle strength, which we are going to desperately need as we age, especially if you're built like me. And I didn't pick up weights until I was well into my 40s. And there's never too late. Anybody listening at any age can start weight training. And you should. So I think that getting people to let go of this notion that thin is the way to be and that you're way better off having a little more curves and a lot more muscle is going to serve you in these menopausal years so much better than just being skinny.

Mel Robbins: And if you're having a hard time sleeping, what do you recommend?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Right. So we have to look at why you're having a hard time. Progesterone goes a long way to helping us sleep. And so estrogen leads to hot flashes and night sweats, which are completely sleep disruptive. I mean, even with hormone therapy, I still have a thermometer leg that I have to throw out occasionally.

Mel Robbins: I was just talking to a friend this morning. She's like, oh, well, I just stick my leg out and the fan hits it. And that's how I cool myself down. And then just throw it back in, throw it out, throw it back in.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: So I'm like, okay, let's get you on some estrogen. So say she's had a hysterectomy and she doesn't have to have progesterone. Progesterone is an option. So I'm like, you know, people sleep deeper. It has an anxiolytic effect.

Mel Robbins: What does that word mean?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: So anti-anxiety. Anti-anxiolytic effect?

Mel Robbins: Anti, yeah, sorry. Wow, that was a big one. Anti-anxiety effect. Okay.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: So if your sleep disruption is also, you're having racing thoughts at night, you can't shut that brain off.

Mel Robbins: Yes, yes. This is my daughter.

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Progesterone is beautiful for these women, especially in perimenopause when we're skipping ovulations and we're not given that monthly surge of progesterone.

Mel Robbins: Is this an option for somebody who's even before perimenopause?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Perimenopause, you could, yeah. Yeah, you can safely take progesterone every day, even if you're premenopausal.

Mel Robbins: Wow. It can be really helpful. Wow. All right. So estrogen, progesterone. But also sleep hygiene. We can't negate the fact that we're on our phones too much at night, blue light, not setting up an environment for good sleep, a snoring partner, especially some of us, you know, and all the things we need to do to set ourselves up for success for sleep. And then when you sprinkle in the hormone changes, it's a disaster for some women. And that's really something I zero in on with my patients.

Mel Robbins: What do we need to know about alcohol?

Dr. Mary Claire Haver: I don't know any woman who's in her menopausal journey who is processing alcohol the way she used to. The tolerance seems to be going down. I'm excited to see some more research come out about this. But in my world, like I have to go in my personal experience, if I'm choosing to have a drink, I am choosing not to sleep. I'm going to be up at 3, 2.32, 3.31, whatever it is, and it is like a bomb going off, even one glass. and I have to make that choice. I can't drink like I used to, thank God. You know, those college days. Most of the women in my practice and on social media are commenting, every time I talk about it, they're like, yep, gave it up. It's not worth it.

Mel Robbins: And that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the amount of information that Dr. Haver shared with all of us. And so I really encourage you to check that one out. And one of the things that she mentioned is brain fog. And that brings me to our next all-star from this past year, and I'm talking about none other than Dr. Wendy Suzuki. Now, Dr. Suzuki is a world-renowned neuroscientist, and it was crazy. She brought a real human brain to our studios in Boston. It was an unbelievable experience to have her in the studio and to hold a brain and to see a brain. I mean, it weighs more than you think, and it makes you think very differently about your brain. Now, Dr. Suzuki is the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at New York University, and she's done all of this groundbreaking research in areas of memory and brain plasticity. And you love that episode because it covered the simple things that you can do every single day to improve your learning, your focus, memory, and your brain power. and what was so cool about her and probably one of the reasons why you loved her so much, it certainly is why I loved her so much, is that she made neuroscience not only easy to understand, but she put so much heart into it. She just loves the brain, but she somehow makes this very nerdy and intellectual topic human. And of course, she has specific advice about things that you can do every day to support your brain health. And you can check them all out if you listen to the episode, which is linked in the show notes. But the one moment that you really loved was one that related to her father. Dr. Suzuki told this just absolutely moving story about the fact that her father was starting to suffer from dementia. And because she's a neuroscientist, she actually was recognizing all the signs. And every single time she saw him, there was something that she really wanted to do. that she had never done. What was it? She wanted to tell her father that she loved him before it was too late. And so she told this beautiful story about the very first time that she told her father that she loved him and helped him create a new memory, even though he was now struggling with dementia, but how this one thing changed her entire family dynamic as well. And I'm going to warn you, you're probably going to want to get out the tissues because I'm going to let Dr. Wendy Suzuki tell you the story.

Dr. Wendy Suzuki: My father, very smart guy, he was an engineer. And one day he drove back from the 7-Eleven, that's only about eight blocks from our house. He would go there to get his afternoon cup of coffee. and he told my mom that he had a hard time finding his way back home. That's the spatial memory that's so dependent on the hippocampus. And as a hippocampal expert, when my mother told me that, I knew immediately there was a problem with his hippocampus. That is the structure that is first affected in dementia, including Alzheimer's dementia. And that is what he ended up being diagnosed with. I wish I could say, So therefore, I had him immediately on an exercise plan. He was in his early 80s, maybe late 70s when that happened. I can't remember exactly his age. He was a little bit wobbly on his feet. He did like going for a walk, so he would go do that. But there was a little bit of danger. As we all know with older people, there's a little risk-taking. Again, going back to social interaction, the more time that I could spend with him, the more time that we can get him together with family where he came alive and he could think and talk about, you know, all the memories that he had is a great way to go. As Japanese Americans, I'm third generation Japanese American. My parents are second generation Japanese Americans. Other Japanese Americans out there will know we don't say I love you to each other. Not because we don't love each other. It's just that you don't have to say that. It's, you know, it's just not part of our culture. But when my father had this dementia diagnosis, I said, gosh, you know what? I want to start saying it. But it's very awkward when you're an adult child and you've never said, I love you to your parents as an adult. Do you just like blurt it out? It's like, what should I do? I had a long internal conversation about this. And I realized that I should ask permission, Like, let's talk about it. And I didn't want to say, oh, because you have dementia. I want to say, I love you. I was like, let's keep it light. Let's just ask. And, you know, but I wanted to do it for my mom and my dad. And I would call every Sunday. And when I called, my mom would always answer the phone. And I would tell her about the week. And then she would hand the phone to my dad. And I'd tell him all the same stories. And then, you know, that's how the conversation went. But this Sunday, I decided I'm going to ask, you know, whether we can start saying I love you. for the first time in our whole adult lives. So it started out normally. And at some point in the middle, I said, you know, mom, I realized we never say I love you at the end of these conversations. What do you think about saying I love you? Silence, silence on the other end of the phone. It's like, what is she asking me? She's never asked me that before. And of course, I was just terrified that she would say no, because she might. I mean, she may not be comfortable. I didn't know. I'd never asked her that question before. But after what seemed like hours, it was just a few seconds, she said, I think that's a great idea. I said, oh, okay, great. And so we kind of finished up our conversation. And then both of us realized at the same time, I think that we had nothing more to say to each other. And we both knew that we had both agreed to say this thing. I kind of describe it as, you know, it felt like two lions kind of circling each other. What's going to happen? Who goes first? And, you know, it was my ask. So I said, okay I love you and uh she said I love you too in our very Disney voices so we can get through it and so I had the conversation with my dad and it was a little less awkward with him because I knew my mom said yes and I knew my dad would say yes and so we agreed with my dad I said we said I love you, hung out the phone and burst into tears because I had kind of changed the whole family dynamic of generations of not saying I love you. And that was a tipping point in my family kind of history from not saying I love you to saying I love you. But the reason why I started telling the story is that the following week I called back again in my I'll love you with my mother was significantly less awkward. But my father said, I love you first. And he remembered after a whole week, he was in the middle of dementia. He didn't remember anything, but he remembered that we had agreed to say, I love you. And he said it first. And because I'm a neuroscientist that studies memory, I know why. And it's because emotional resonance makes hippocampal-dependent memories stick. And his hippocampus was not working well. But the emotional resonance of his adult daughter asking for the very first time to say I love you it formed a new memory in my dad And that was obviously something that I always remember because the last time I spoke to him we also said I love you

Mel Robbins: Oh my gosh. You know, especially for those of you that have somebody in your life that you love that is struggling with memory issues or dementia or Alzheimer. I mean, what an unbelievably moving story. I am so proud of Dr. Suzuki and I'm so grateful that she shared that story with us, right? Because it's a beautiful reminder of something that Dr. Suzuki had said earlier. And that is that the brain is a mind-blowingly complex, ridiculously brilliant, and let's be real, magical thing. And what you learn with Dr. Suzuki is that you can change it. So if you're listening to this right now and you're feeling stuck in a family dynamic that's driving you nuts or you wish you were the kind of family that said, I love you, you need to hear this. You can change this. It only takes one person to start shifting things. And that one person could be you. Now, we have four more extraordinary experts that made the all-star list. And the person that you're about to meet next is somebody that is revolutionizing the way that we're treating mental health issues. His name is Dr. Chris Palmer. I waited to get him on the Mel Robbins podcast for months because I knew he would make you look at the way you need to think about mental health in an entirely new way. and his research and what he's been doing at McLean Hospital, which is Harvard's hospital dedicated to mental health where he's been practicing for 30 years, is shaking up the mental health community around the globe. And he has this incredible down-to-earth way to explain this unbelievable research. And you shared this over and over. You re-watched this episode on YouTube over and over, and you wrote to us about how the simple things that Dr. Palmer shared with you have actually helped people that you love who are struggling with depression, schizophrenia, all kinds of mental health issues. Now, he has so much to share with you. We actually did two episodes with him that here's what we're going to do. We're going to hit the pause button so that we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words with you. I also want to give you a chance to share this best of episode with people that you love. And when we come back, you're going to meet Dr. Palmer and you're going to learn more about his brain energy theory. And he's going to teach you simple interventions that have a significant positive impact on issues like anxiety, depression, and so much more. You do not want to miss this. You cannot afford to miss this. and Dr. Palmer is not the only one. We got three more experts after him. So don't go anywhere. There is so much more to cover and I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me.

[Ad break]

Mel Robbins: Now we have four more extraordinary experts and the first up is Dr. Chris Palmer. Dr. Chris Palmer is a gift to the world. He's a professor at Harvard Medical School. He spent almost the last 30 years at the number one psychiatric hospital in the United States, and that is Harvard's teaching hospital, McLean Hospital. It's right here in Boston near our studios here in downtown Boston. Based on Dr. Palmer's extensive clinical experience, he's on a mission to change the way that mental health is understood, discussed, and treated. Dr. Palmer has created something called the Brain Energy Theory, and he's revolutionizing the way that medical professionals think about mental illness, what it is, what causes it, and more importantly, how to treat it. If you haven't heard the entire episode, I encourage you to check this episode out and share it with anybody in your life who is struggling with mental health issues. Dr. Palmer's waitlist is three years long to be able to get in to see him, and this is like having a private appointment. In short, Dr. Palmer says that mental health issues like anxiety and depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, they happen when your brain's energy system, which is your metabolism, isn't working right. Just like your heart can have problems if you eat badly, your brain can have issues too. I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Of course it does. And the good news, Dr. Palmer says that you can use modifications to your diet, to your exercise routine, to your lifestyle, to significantly improve your mental health. What does that mean? Well, it means the exact same things that help your heart and other organs in your body help you fix the problems in your brain too, which will help you improve your brain's energy and improve your overall mental health. And that brings me to one of your most favorite moments of the entire year, the one that you shared more than just about anything else with friends and family that you watched over and over on YouTube. And that is Dr. Palmer's specific protocol for treating someone who is dealing with any kind of mental health issue or any mental illness. I find his theory fascinating and his work revolutionary. And so during our conversation, I asked him, Dr. Palmer, I realize you're not treating me or anybody that's listening, but is it possible for you to just give us a broad stroke recommendation that any single person could follow for 21 days if they're struggling with mental health issues or a mental illness? And this is what he had to say.

Dr. Chris Palmer: For people who are suffering from mild to moderate disorders, their safety is not in danger. They have not been suicidal. They haven't tried to hurt themselves or anyone else. They're not hallucinating or delusional. If I had to give generic advice, what's the highest bang for the buck? I would say try a ketogenic diet for three months. and then we'll see how it goes. We actually have a tremendous amount of science on the ketogenic diet. Most people know the keto diet as a fad diet, a weight loss diet, a dangerous diet. So unbeknownst to most people, the ketogenic diet was developed over 100 years ago by a physician for one and only one purpose. It was not weight loss. It was to actually stop seizures. the ketogenic diet is now an evidence-based treatment we have lots of randomized controlled trials we have gold standard meta-analyses in the medical literature proving that this is effective it is reputable, it is legitimate the ketogenic diet is an evidence-based treatment for treatment-resistant epilepsy And what that means is that if somebody has seizures and medications don't stop their seizures, or even brain surgery doesn't stop their seizures, the ketogenic diet can often work in a way that medications and even brain surgery may not have worked for those people. So we have decades of research looking at the ketogenic diet, trying to figure out how on earth does this diet stop seizures when our great pills didn't? Like, what is going on here? And so we know that the ketogenic diet is changing, is having profound effects on the brain function. It's changing neurotransmitters. It changes gene expression. It decreases brain inflammation and body inflammation as well. It's central to my thesis. It actually improves mitochondrial function, which in a nutshell means it's improving metabolism, and in particular, brain metabolism. And so one of the great things about the ketogenic diet, like when it's used for epilepsy, is that people don't have to do it for life. Most often, people only need to do it for like two to five years.

Mel Robbins: That actually, quote unquote, That sounds like a long time, honestly. Two to five years of a per day. But what is it? Because you guys say keto this, keto that, ketoketosis, or whatever the hell the words are. What is the keto? What am I eating? Walk me through a day of being on the keto diet.

Dr. Chris Palmer: So the keto diet, in a nutshell, is very low in carbohydrates, moderate in protein, and high in fat. So I would recommend getting some information on a well-formulated ketogenic diet. So you want to do it right. So what you would eat if you were doing a ketogenic diet, again, I want to even set the stage. There are vegan versions of a ketogenic diet. Okay. Vegetarian versions. Omnivore versions where you're eating both animal-sourced and plant-sourced foods. Okay. And even carnivore versions of this diet where all you're eating is meat and eggs and stuff like that. So this is very inclusive, everybody. But let's just say you and I are going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. What are we ordering? So what I might eat if I were eating a ketogenic diet, I am an omnivore. I eat both animal-sourced and plant-sourced foods. I would wake up, and I might have eggs and bacon or sausage or some kind of meat.

Mel Robbins: Let's go. Sounds like Sunday brunch, Dr. Palmer.

Dr. Chris Palmer: I might add extra butter. If I need more fat, I might add extra butter to the eggs. So some people might look at me making my eggs thinking, why are you putting all that butter in your scrambled eggs? And I would say, because I need the extra fat. For lunch and dinner, similar meals, I would probably have a protein source. So that could be steak, chicken, salmon, poultry. And I would have low-carb vegetables. So that could include broccoli, spinach, any kind of lettuces, cauliflower, cucumbers, pickles, things like that. I would take my pick. When I prepared those vegetables, I would put extra sources of fat on those vegetables. So I would put olive oil and plain vinegar. So that might be my kind of serving. I might emphasize nuts and avocados because those are very high in fat and typically thought of as healthy sources of fat.

Mel Robbins: So how long would you suggest that somebody, if they're going to start with the ketogenic diet, how long should you try it? And what would you look out for, Dr. Palmer, to know that it's actually impacting you in a positive way?

Dr. Chris Palmer: So I would recommend getting some information on a well-formulated ketogenic diet. You want to include enough healthy types of foods. People sometimes need extra electrolytes like sodium, potassium, magnesium when they get started on the diet. And nonetheless, there's this thing called the keto adaptation phase or keto flu. So the first week or two in particular can be very rough. I'm just going to let people know. People can feel weak, hungry, hangry, dizzy, irritable, other things.

Mel Robbins: Really? Why?

Dr. Chris Palmer: Because they're basically withdrawing from sugar or carbohydrates. More importantly, their body is trying to do this shift from burning primarily on carbohydrates to running on a combination of carbohydrates and fats. as fuel sources. And for some people, that can be an easier transition. For others, it can be a more difficult transition.

Mel Robbins: So let's just say you get the keto flu. We're now on the other side of the keto flu. We're starting to perk up. What are you going to feel? And how do you know if it's working?

Dr. Chris Palmer: So the first thing that most people will start to feel is an antidepressant effect. And so they will start to notice that they just feel lighter. They have a little more energy, their brain starts working a little better. Some people might notice that their sleep is feeling more restorative. So if there's somebody who usually has to use an alarm, push the snooze button several times, they might start to notice that it's easier to wake up in the morning. They get going faster than normal. For people using this for mental health, it's usually not a lifelong diet what a lot of people will do it for one to five years they actually reinvigorate their metabolism or most importantly what that means to me is that it's they're improving their mitochondrial health yep and that actually can then persist so that you've actually done some healing work on your body. And so that if you go back to a whole food, still a healthy diet, I'm not encouraging people to go back to a junk food diet with a lot of processed foods. But if they start adding back carbohydrates, even complex carbohydrates, whole grains or potatoes and other things, they may do extraordinarily well. And again, I want to be clear. I don't necessarily recommend the ketogenic diet for everyone. Not everybody needs it. Some people can just get rid of the junk food and the processed foods. Some people can just get rid of the extra sugar in their diet and do spectacularly well. So they might do well on a paleo diet or a vegetarian or vegan whole food plant-based diet. There are lots of options.

Mel Robbins: Okay, great. So eating healthy. What's the next step in your brain energy protocol?

Dr. Chris Palmer: Try to exercise a little more than you're currently doing.

Mel Robbins: Is that all I have to do? Like if I'm doing zero, are you talking one day of resistance training is enough or would you want to see me out three days?

Dr. Chris Palmer: If you're doing zero, do anything. So if you did one day of resistance training a week, but you did most of your major muscle groups and you did it to the point of failure, that would be more than enough.

Mel Robbins: I love it. But you've got to go to failure. If you're only going to work out once a week you've got to go to failure. We need to build those muscles which means you're not just going to lift it a couple times and say, oh, I'm tired. You're going to go until you can't go anymore. Just one set. But you're going to go until you can't go anymore. But it could be just taking a walk after dinner every night. If you can do it every night, it doesn't have to be a long walk. It could be a 10-minute walk, whatever. Just get out of the house. Get away from a screen. Walk around the block.

Dr. Chris Palmer: The third thing, I want you to prioritize sleep.

Mel Robbins: How much do I need?

Dr. Chris Palmer: You need at least seven or eight hours. The ideal way to know if you're getting adequate sleep is, are you able to get out of bed reasonably okay? Or are you pushing the snooze button? Are you exhausted? Are you dragging yourself out of bed? If you're dragging yourself out of bed, you're not getting enough sleep. You should be able to wake up and get out of bed and it should not be torture. If it's torture, you're not getting enough sleep. Go to bed earlier. Turn off the television, the computer, whatever. Go to bed. Try to get more sleep. Reduce your use of harmful substances. That means alcohol. If you're really struggling with a mental health condition, give me three months off alcohol. I'm not asking for a lifetime. I'm not asking for forever. Three months off alcohol. Because we're trying to give your brain a chance. If you were a professional athlete training for a marathon, Your coach would tell you no alcohol. None. Zero. Zero tolerance. Guess what else? No marijuana. No CBD. No smoking. No vaping. None. Period. End of story. Don't argue. Don't talk back. Just don't do it. Don't do those things. Why? Because they're all negatively impacting your brain metabolism. Your brain metabolism is begging for help. We see it in the symptoms that you're exhibiting. we want to give you a fighting chance. You can introduce these things again in the future when you're healthy. When you're healthier and more resilient and you can tolerate a drink every now and then, great. But for now, while we're trying to help you heal and recover, we're going to give your brain a fighting chance.

Mel Robbins: I just love him. I absolutely love him. And I know that anybody in your life that's struggling is going to love him too, because you can just tell he's so earnest. He's on this mission and he believes in your ability to heal. He believes in your brain's ability to get better. And after sitting down with him for two episodes, I 1000% believe in his brain energy theory. And I also love how he breaks things down in a way that makes it doable. Didn't you love it when he said, if you're doing zero exercise, just walking around the block counts? Yes, that's a win. And don't forget his advice on sleep. If getting out of bed feels like torture, it's time to get your butt to bed earlier. Don't you love a doctor's like, get your butt to bed?

Mel Robbins: I love that. Plus, cutting out alcohol and other substances for three months just to give your brain and your mental wellness a fighting chance. Of course, that's advice you need to hear and I need to hear and the people that you love need to hear. And what I love about these episodes, honestly, and these conversations, is that you and I can tell the people that we love this stuff till we're blue in the face. But when they hear it from the world's leading medical doctor at Harvard, perhaps they'll actually do it. Because it's only in the doing it that it's going to make a difference.

And that brings me to another of our remarkable all-stars from this past year, and that is Sarah Jakes Roberts. She's a pastor, a philanthropist, an international bestselling author. Her latest book was an instant *New York Times* bestseller. She's like a messenger for your soul. And I have not stopped thinking about the time that I've spent with her. Her words just ring over and over and over again in your mind, in my mind.

And what Sarah is about to say is something that will shift the way that you, or someone that you love, thinks about who you are, about your past, about what's possible. She's talking about embracing every single part of who you are: the wins, the mistakes, the moments that you wish you could erase. Learning to love yourself because of them, not in spite of them. Because if you've ever felt trapped by a single moment in your life, if you've ever felt like you've been labeled or cast aside, or you've beaten yourself up for a mistake that you've made, this moment is for you. Because Sarah is going to show you how to stop punishing yourself and instead step boldly into the fullness of who you are. And you better believe me, this is the kind of message that stays with you for a lifetime.

Sarah Jakes Roberts: Instead of seeking a sense of belonging, a sense of okayness from other people, maybe I can just embrace myself. If I could find a way to be okay with myself, then I can wrap my arms around who I am. And for me, I had to sit with myself until I no longer cringed. I had to sit with myself until I no longer felt shame. I had to sit with myself until I could experience compassion where I once felt guilt. And from that place of compassion, I learned to love who I am. And like, yes, this is my story. And no, it may not be perfect, but I'm going to stick beside me.

Mel Robbins: Every single one of us has stuff that we've done in the past. Things that we have done to ourselves or other people. Mistakes that we think that we've made. How do you begin the process of sitting with yourself? How do you learn how to forgive yourself?

Sarah Jakes Roberts: It starts with intention. I sat with myself. I will say those 10 years I was sitting with myself, but I was sitting with myself punishing myself. "How could you be so stupid? You made the biggest mistake. No one's ever going to want you." Sometimes we are sitting with ourselves, but *how* we are sitting with ourselves is why we can't heal. You can't want to heal and punish yourself at the same time. To repeat the words that other people have spoken over you that were negative, having it replay in your mind over and over again, *why* you sit with yourself will never bring you to a place of healing.

Sitting with yourself with the pursuit of compassion, with the pursuit of love and acceptance—that is when we start sitting with ourself and experience some discomfort and some dysregulation. Because sitting with myself and trying to be compassionate requires me to stretch to love myself in a way that I don't think is possible. And as long as you don't think it's possible to sit with yourself and love yourself, every facet of who you are... It doesn't matter who you love. It doesn't matter what you achieve. Until you can really sit with yourself, none of those things are going to make you feel better either. But it is the greatest, absolute greatest gift that you can give yourself: to allow love to flood the place where you once felt emptiness.

Mel Robbins: You know, I really want to highlight a particular sentence that she said that I think is one of the most important sentences that I heard the entire year. "You cannot heal while you're still punishing yourself." I mean, is that not just one of the most profound truths you've ever heard? And how often do you sit with yourself just replaying the same harsh, critical thoughts? You think you're just reflecting, but the reality is you're just repeating the pain over and over and over again. And what Sarah is reminding you of is that true healing doesn't come from self-punishment. It comes from self-acceptance, from self-compassion.

Learning how to sit with yourself, as uncomfortable as it may be, takes courage, but it's an act of love. Choosing to say, "Yes, I've made some mistakes. Yes, I have flaws, but I'm going to sit here and I'm going to love myself anyway." And here's the real magic. When you embrace who you are, imperfections and all, and you stop seeking validation from other people, you'll realize you don't need the validation because you've actually learned how to give it to yourself. That's the gift that Sarah Jakes just gave you. It's not just healing, it's freedom. And so take a moment today to sit with yourself. And if you were inspired by that, get down to the notes and spend an hour with me and Sarah Jakes Roberts because she will lift you up and you deserve that. And if there's someone in your life that has really just beaten themselves up and they can't see the gifts that they have to offer, then share that episode with them too. Because Sarah was just getting started with that clip. There's a lot more that she had to say. So take a listen.

[Clip continues]

Sarah Jakes Roberts: And we don't do ourselves any favors by committing to punishing ourselves over and over again for what we did, for what we allowed to happen. This is what we say though. We say to ourselves, "I'm going to keep this from happening again by constantly living with it right in front of me. And if I can live with it right in front of me, if I can beat myself up, if I can punish myself, then I will keep this from happening again. I will prepare myself for further rejection from other people if I constantly remember how unworthy I am, how little value I possess." And so in many ways, we think this is me protecting myself by constantly keeping it in front of my face.

But if we're honest, we do long for an existence where we want to believe that I am not just this one moment. But we will never be more than that one moment if we constantly replay that moment in our head. And so to invite into our atmosphere, "What other moments do I want to have? What other things do I want to define me?" I spent so long not wanting to be defined as a teen mom. Instead of saying, "I will be defined as being a teen mom, but also I'm going to be an incredible person. But also I'm going to love myself. But also I'm going to dream and I'm going to be an author and a teen mom." I'm not trying to disconnect from who I was. I'm trying to bring all of who I am into the fullness of where I am. I'm this and that. I am all of these things. And I thought that because I was this one thing, I had no permission to be anything else.

So yeah, the truth is, yeah, I'm a teen mom. Yes, I've gone through divorce. I've got a laundry list of things that I never wanted to be that I've had to step boldly in. And in addition to that, I'm on the Mel Robbins podcast. And in addition to that, millions of people tune into you every single week. All of those things are true. All of these things are true. And I don't want to be all of my achievements. Gosh, can you imagine what that would be? The pressure and the arrogance connected to that. I want to be this beautiful mixture, this beautiful tapestry of a girl on a journey and a woman owning her power. And I can live in all of that. I can do all of that.

Mel Robbins: Oh my God, I just love her so much. I love how she looks at life. I love how she looks at herself and just the journey that we're all on. Such a powerful reminder, right? You're not defined by a single moment or a single mistake or your achievements. And you do that, don't you? You think if you can just keep your failures front and center, you can protect yourself and you won't let it happen again. But the truth is, by doing that, you trap yourself in that moment.

What Sarah gave you is a gift. She gave you the freedom to say, "But also." Yeah, you've made mistakes, but also you're growing. Yeah, you've been through tough times, but also you're stepping into your power. You're not just one chapter of your life. You're the whole book. And that's what makes this so beautiful. It's permission to embrace all of who you are: the wins, the losses, the messiness, the magic. Because you are so much more than that one moment.

And the year we've spent together on the Mel Robbins podcast, learning from all these experts, was more than one moment too. But that brings me to the last two experts and moments on the podcast that you picked. And you want to know what they're about? They're about regrets. And I think you love them because they were really poignant. That's what made them among the highest ranking episodes. It's what made them the things that you kept sharing with people that you loved, that you wrote in about. You even talked about these in the reviews that you left. It was overwhelming how moved you were by what these two experts had to say to you about what's actually important in life and what's not. They gave you perspective in an instant.

And the first one comes from the extraordinary Dr. Robert Waldinger. Now, when he came onto the show, I have to say that it may be one of the most important conversations that you could listen to, because everything that he shared is so incredibly true. Dr. Waldinger is a psychiatrist. He's a Zen Buddhist. He is also a professor at Harvard Medical School, and he happens to be the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Now, the Harvard Study of Adult Development is an 86-year-long study that is the single longest study that's ever been done on happiness, relationships, and the human experience.

Dr. Waldinger came to our studios in Boston to talk about all the findings from this study and what research says it means to live a good life. He covered so much information, and there was so much amazing, life-changing advice that you absolutely loved. But there was one moment in particular that you listened to over and over again, and it's this. I asked Dr. Waldinger, "If you look at all the research from this 86-year-long study, what did the participants in the study say at the end of their life when they reflected back? What were their biggest regrets and what were the biggest lessons?" And listen to what Dr. Waldinger shared.

Dr. Robert Waldinger: The biggest regrets, two categories. One was, "I wish I hadn't spent so much time at work. I wish I had spent more time with people I cared about." Almost the number one regret. And then the other regret, and this came more from women than from men, was, "I wish I hadn't worried so much about what other people thought." And so those are the two big regrets.

The things that people were proudest of were not their achievements. And many people had achieved a lot. It was people. It was, "I was a good mentor. I was a good partner. I was a good parent. I was a good boss." It was always about the relationships. Even among people who had won huge prizes or gotten big accolades, that's not what they named when they were looking back on their life.

Mel Robbins: You know, when you hear them say it, you know it's true. And you and I need these reminders because it's so easy to get sucked up in work and all the stressful things going on that you forget that at the end of the day, it's about the people in your life. That's what actually matters. I know after hearing this research and hearing Dr. Waldinger explain it just so matter-of-factly, it certainly made me prioritize my relationships, both with my adult kids and my parents and the friends that I need to make more of an effort to see. And I know it did the same for you because you shared this moment over and over and over again.

I was curious, particularly about that point that he said, that women felt that they wasted too much of their lives worrying about what other people think, that that's one of the biggest regrets. And so I asked him, "Do you have advice for how to stop doing that?" And this is what Dr. Waldinger had to say.

Dr. Robert Waldinger: Well, it's realizing that, first of all, most of that's not going to matter when we're dead, right? But what will matter? Am I treating people well? That will matter, and people will remember it even after we're gone. It's not what people think, but it's what I do. So one of the sayings I like a lot is, "20 years from now, the only people who will remember whether you worked late are your children." And so if you think about it, so much of what we worry about—like, is my boss going to like me? Are people going to think I'm a good this or that?—it's not going to matter down the road. But whether I was a good ethical person, that's going to matter a lot. We matter and our behavior matters, but it's not necessarily other people's opinions about whether my curtains were the right shade of blue on the windows.

Mel Robbins: He's such a kind way of calling us out, doesn't he? When he said that line about "the only person that's going to remember that you worked late is your kids." That was like an "oof." He's right. You're losing sleep over whether or not people are impressed by what you're wearing, or you've got enough followers, or your home looks like an Instagram before and after post. Nobody cares. The truth is, none of that stuff is going to matter when you're gone. What's going to matter? The way you treat people. The kind of person you are. Whether or not you showed up when it mattered for the people who love you.

And 20 years from now, your coworkers aren't going to remember the emails you sent at midnight. But your kids? They'll remember. They'll remember that you were always stressed out, or they'll remember that you were there for them. So the big wake-up call there: stop putting so much weight on what other people think. One other thing that is going to help you: The Let Them Theory. Let them think whatever they want. Let them think whatever they want about your curtains or your outfit or what you're doing for a living or the fact that you can't work this weekend because you're spending the time with your kids. Just focus on what matters to you: your character, your kindness, how you make other people feel.

Because what I've found in life is that when you are proud of who you are, you don't actually care what other people think. And that's what's going to last: how you show up. That's what people are going to carry with them long after you're gone—who you were for them. And that's something that you can take control of right now.

And that leads us to our next moment with Dr. Zach Bush. Dr. Bush is a triple board certified physician in internal medicine, endocrinology, and hospice care. From his groundbreaking work in gut health, to his advocacy in farming, to his profound experiences guiding people through the end of their lives, Dr. Zach brings wisdom that can help you live a more meaningful and authentic life. On the episode that you just absolutely loved and shared with everybody that you know, Dr. Zach was here to teach you all of these lessons that he's learned from being with people as they were experiencing the final moments of their life. These are lessons that he learned as a hospice doctor that you can use right now to stop performing and to start embracing who you are and to truly allow yourself to live your life.

So I asked Dr. Zach, "After all the work that you've done in hospice and being with people as they leave this lifetime, what are the things that you see people regret that can help you and me live a better life?" And this is what he had to say.

Dr. Zach Bush: Yeah, the number one regret is, "I was performing the whole time. I never was actually being me. And I was afraid to be me. And I didn't even know what it would feel like to be me. But right now, as I'm dying, as that veil thins, I feel myself, and I'm a beautiful being. I am whole." And so really, the regret is, "Wow, if I'd just known I was whole the whole time and hadn't had to do all the performance..."

Every being is whole, and there's no need for a performance. Whatever happened in your life, it looked like a good life, it looked like a bad life—that's the beauty of near-death experiences. You suddenly realize it was all perfect. The whole thing was perfect. It was exactly what I needed to learn the things I learned, to become the one I became, and ultimately to realize I was whole the entire time. Any perception of incompleteness was incorrect.

And so I hope that one of you falls deeply in love with your state as a being that is whole at every step of life. You are the most beautiful thing. You are the entire divine expression of your soul. And that's where the near-death experience is a gift: if you can actually feel what it feels like to be whole. It's not something to be achieved. You've always been whole. You were whole at the beginning. You will still be whole at the end of your life journey. There's only a perception that you are incomplete right now. You are the most beautiful thing.

Mel Robbins: Just take a moment and let his words soak in. Particularly these last two experts and these moments where Dr. Zach Bush and Dr. Waldinger are sharing these profound lessons that they've learned from being with people who are at the end of their lives. And here's what I'm taking away from all this advice: you have got to stop waiting for the right time or the perfect moment or for work to slow down or for someone else's approval to fully live your life. You have everything that you need right now.

Drop the act. Embrace who you are. Drink the cup of coffee and allow yourself to enjoy it. Heck, sit down and drink it instead of racing to the next thing. Stop, breathe, be. Laugh with your kids. Call your friends. Spend time with your parents while you can. Treat every day like the gift that it is. Because as every one of your favorite experts have told you today, when you strip away all the noise, when you stop allowing everyone to stress you out, when you truly just embrace yourself for everything that you are—the flaws, the amazing things, you just show more compassion—what's left when you strip it all away, that's what really matters. Being fully alive and fully yourself.

I want to thank you for being here with me, whether you've been here all year or you're just listening for the first time. These moments really impacted me and I know they impacted you. So thank you for sharing these episodes. Thank you for replaying these moments. Thank you for writing in and telling me how much you got out of these conversations and so many more. And we're just getting started. This year's been incredible. Next year is going to be even better.

And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And everything that you heard in the episode today is the exact formula to do that. From your brain to your mental health, to your overall physical health, to truly the things that matter. Stop being so hard on yourself and embrace who you are and allow yourself to live your life and truly enjoy it.

Alrighty. I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. Cranking it down.

[End of main content. Bloopers and outtakes follow.]

Mel Robbins: Awesome. Thank you. All right, here we go. Fabulous. I love that. Okay. That's fantastic. You're right. I call it neuroadrenaline because I can't say the nephra-referen. Norepinephrine. Yes, I can't say that. What is... I'll wait till you do it. I'll take some more. Let me hit my lips too. We could say that. A little snarky. Good. Okay, great. I do need some lunch. You guys need lunch too. You haven't eaten either. All right, better? Good. We're in the pocket now? Okay, great. Okay. Hold on. Let me try that one more time. But it's good. Right you are awesome. I feel like I'm levitating.

Okay, and endocrinology. How do I sit and endocrin... and endocrinology... and endocrinology. Do you go outside and land on a tree every day regularly? I think "near death" has a branding problem. I think we need to come up with a different word for it. Rebirth. Rebirth. There you go. I'm going to have a rebirth experience. All right. Ready? Awesome. To bring you our first ever, wait, hold on a second, is a root cause. What? Okay. What? Okay. Hold on a second. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. You're freaking fantastic. Time for lunch.

Can you explain "nighttime revenge"? What's it called? Revenge? Okay. I promise you this information. Jesus. Okay, hold on. Go back up. And was the medical director of Harvard's Beth Israel... Jesus Christ. I think I need to take a breath. Stand up. Oh my Lord. Dr. Aditi Naruka. Oh God, I said it wrong. Nurkar. Did I get Nurkar? Nurkar. Okay. So I'm like, Nur-a. Nur-a. I haven't practiced. I'm right. Nurkar. Wow. I kind of did that well. Yes. Okay. I never curse. I just... that was like my favorite line of the entire conversation so far. Okay, keep going. I never curse. The only reason I'm cursing is because you curse. It's like you're giving me permission to curse.

The second kind of happiness. Sorry. Bless you. My allergies are coming, everybody. Sorry. Go ahead. Bless you. And I just would be curious to know, do we have a... is that like a... are they gone? Construction. There was a lot in that. And that's why I had to write the book. I was like, this feels worthy of unpacking. I don't... writing 60,000 words is, you know, it's... Oh, I'm in the middle of writing my next book. I need a nap. I'm praying for you. Because it's not like you just write... Can you please double down on the prayer? I don't think you're praying hard enough. I would get on a plane for you. I will feed you. As long as I get a blanket and a nap. Girl, I will give you the best blanket you've ever had. It'll be down and have feathers in it. You'll be spitting feathers out of your mouth.

Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.