--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you're here. It is an absolute honor to be able to spend some time with you today. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Thank you for making this podcast one of the most popular podcasts in the entire world.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also want to take a moment and just acknowledge you for something. You chose to listen to this, and I know why you did, because you are committed to making your life better. And I just wanna say that is so cool and I'm really proud of you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And today I am so thrilled, like chills thrilled, to welcome back one of our most popular experts that has ever appeared on the Mel Robbins Podcast. And she also happens to be a very dear friend of mine. I'm talking about Jamie Kern Lima. I call her the professor of purpose because the last time she was here, she taught you how to discover your purpose. But today, Jamie is back and she's here to reveal five lies that she had to confront in order to become who she was meant to be.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I know Jamie is going to tell you something, that these are the same five lies you're probably telling yourself right now. So let's tee up these five lies and one by one, knock them down and reveal the truth. You are capable of more than you could ever even imagine.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let me tell you a little bit about my dear friend, Jamie. I'm so excited that she's back because selfishly, she's such a close friend and she lives on the West Coast, which kind of makes me mad because I don't see her as much as I would like to. But the other reason why I'm really excited is because every time I sit down with Jamie, the conversation goes so deep, so fast, and I always walk away feeling like I personally have tapped into a deeper sense of purpose, a greater level of clarity. And I know you will too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, Jamie started her career as a waitress at Denny's and went on to build, launch, and sell a cosmetics company that she started in her living room for $1.2 billion. Now, you've probably heard of the company that she founded, It Cosmetics. After selling it, she then became the first female CEO inside of L'Oreal in their 100-year history. She's one of the world's most successful entrepreneurs, a New York Times bestselling author. She's been named to the Forbes richest self-made women's list. Her brand new book, *Worthy*, is here.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what I'm really excited about is when she was here last time, and we will link to that episode so you can hear it. She took us on this wild, unbelievable ride behind the scenes of the story of It Cosmetics. But today, Jamie is back and she's here to reveal five lies. Lies that keep you from believing in yourself. Lies that destroy your confidence. Lies that rob you of the life that you are meant to lead.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And even though we are really good friends, I poured through her book and just had epiphany after epiphany. And I didn't realize these were the things that she was struggling with. But she's here to get real with you and me. Please help me welcome Jamie Kern Lima.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Mel, thank you so much for having me. I am so excited. This is going to be a powerful episode for everybody listening, because these are lies that lead to self-doubt. And we're here to wake up some truth.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, and what I love, Jamie, is that when somebody meets you and they hear your resume and they see what you have built in your life, there is this moment where you go, "Is she really telling herself these lies? Like for real, come on." But I know that you dug deep to go behind the story that was in the headlines.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The story that everybody tells about It Cosmetics and you doing the impossible. And you took a look at what did I actually have to dig through in order to keep going? So before we get into the five lies and some of the amazing resources in your new bestselling book, *Worthy*, I would just love for the new listeners that are here with us that did not hear the story. Could you just give us the thumbnail version of how It Cosmetics started and some of the highs and lows?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: It all started with this season of setback in my life and major self-doubt. And what I know now, Mel, is for so many of us, our setbacks are actually setups for what we're supposed to do to live our best life. We just don't know it at the time. But I was working in what I thought was my dream job. I had done so many jobs, from waitressing at Denny's to bagging groceries in the grocery store to get my way into journalism. And eventually I was anchoring the news.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I was live on the air one day and I hear in my earpiece from the producer, "There's something on your face. There's something." And I'm talking to millions of viewers live. He's like, "There's something on your face. There's something on your face. You need to wipe it off. You need to wipe it off." And in the commercial break, I glanced down and I see this bright red rosacea kind of cracking through my makeup. If you imagine desert clay cracking, my makeup was cracking under the HD lights and the red was coming through. And I have hereditary rosacea, which for me gets really bumpy, really bright red. So I'm trying to cover it during the commercial break and it won't work.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: That set off a moment where I spent all my paycheck trying to find makeup and nothing would work. And every time I'd go back and I'd be live on the air, I'd hear in my earpiece, "It's still there. It's still there. It's still there." And I went through this season of self-doubt where I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm in my dream job, but am I going to get fired?" I'd be talking live on the air, and instead of engaging in the story, I'd be thinking, "Are viewers changing the channel? Am I costing the company ratings?" And I started this big season of self-doubt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How old were you?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Oh gosh, 31.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. So you're 31 years old. And just to kind of bring you listening in as Jamie's telling the story, I think we've all had a moment like that where maybe you're sitting in a meeting at work and you feel your face flush, or you are giving a presentation and you start to stutter, or you are sitting in a meeting at school and you are there to advocate for your kid and you just can't find the words, or you're even in a relationship and every day you wake up and you're like, "Okay, today's the day I'm going to say this is not working and I need you to change." And you just start to doubt yourself.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is a universal experience.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But you amplify this because you're on television in your dream job and your rosacea is basically melting your makeup and now making its own appearance on the television with you. So what the hell do you do?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Well, I remember this moment and I love the examples you just shared because everyone has these moments where you get this gut feeling or this knowing. I remember thinking, "This makes no sense. I cannot. There's thousands of makeup companies out there. Why does nothing work for me?" And I got this moment, this knowing that said, "Well, if you can't find anything that works for you, there's probably a whole lot of other people out there that can't find anything. What if you create something that works for you? It'll probably help a whole lot of people."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Then I got this moment where I'm like, "Okay, my entire life..." Because I was like, "This makes no sense that nothing works for me." Then I realized I've never seen a woman with bright red rosacea as a model for products.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, that's true. I just want to make sure that as you're listening, you understand something. So this was a time where you didn't see normal people in ads the way that you do now.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This was a time where there would never be anybody on social media or in an advertisement or in a makeup advertisement that had no makeup on.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We take it for granted because we see before and after and we see people wearing a more natural look, but that was not the case.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Not the case. Over a decade ago. And I realized, Mel, I'm like, "Okay, I've always loved beauty ads and commercials and magazines my whole life, but deep down inside, they always made me feel like I wasn't enough." And this moment happened, right? And you mentioned someone saying, "I'm about to end a relationship" or whatever situation we're in. I had this moment, this feeling where I was like, "Wait a minute, what if I could figure out how to make a product and not just make a product, but put real women as models, every age and shape and size and skin tone and skin challenge, and try to shift that definition of beauty in the whole beauty industry for every little girl out there about to start doubting herself and every grown person who does."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So I had this feeling like, "What if?" Right? "What if I could do it?" And that was in my gut and my knowing, but really fast, my head talked me out of it. My self-doubt was like, "Oh, but you got no money. You don't know what you're doing. You're unqualified. You have no connections in the beauty industry." And I sat in that place. And maybe a lot of viewers can connect with this, where you have this gut feeling or this that you're supposed to do something or go for it, or tell the person you want to be more than just friends, or put your idea out there. But then your head is talking yourself out of it. And you're about to doubt yourself out of your own destiny.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I sat in that place for a minute. And I made the decision, "Okay, I am going to trust my knowing. I'm going to take a risk." Even though I was in what I thought was my dream job. Even though I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I tried to almost turn down the volume on my self-doubt, my thoughts in my mind saying "You're not enough," and turn up the volume on that gut feeling. And these are the moments that change our entire lives, right? When we make the decision to trust that gut feeling. And now here's the thing. I launched the business.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Now I just have to ask you a question.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You'd never made makeup before.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: No, no.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So not knowing how isn't an excuse to not figure out how to do it.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I want to hover on this moment for a second because we are going to unpack five specific lies. But the big headline here as you're listening to this is every freaking lie you tell yourself is a form of self-doubt.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so they are sneaky and we're going to get into the specifics because I think it's going to surprise you the kind of garbage that Jamie was saying to herself, the way her self-doubt formed. But let's just stay in this moment of the "no." But you've never done makeup. But who's going to buy this for you? But you don't have any money. Who do you think you are? All that garbage that comes in your mind. You said this the first time you were here and everybody went bananas over this concept. So I want you to share this both to remind us and to make sure that nobody misses out on this concept of the "no" versus the "knowing."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Put us at the moment of that "no" versus the "knowing" and how the heck in a moment when the "but, but, but, but, but" comes up, how do you discern whether that is legit fear or it is just the self-doubt and a sense of unworthiness coming up?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah. And you have something deeper called a knowing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Professor of Purpose in the house, people. Let's go.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Every single person listening right now, every day we get "no's," right? We get "no's" in all different forms. We're not invited to the party. Someone doesn't include us. We don't know why. We're not in the circle of moms standing around and we're feeling on the outside. But most of our most painful "no's" are the ones we're telling ourselves, right? The ones we're telling ourselves in the form of negative self-talk all day long. We all get "no's" all the time and we tell ourselves "no's." But inside, in our gut, if we get still, if we listen to our soul, we get a knowing, an intuition, a still small voice, a gut feeling.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Every single moment in your life, in your friendships, in your joy, in your goals and dreams and ambitions, I believe, Mel, they come down to which one you listen to. Do you listen to the "no's" or do you listen to your knowing? And this is the most important thing because our self-doubt will lie to us all day long. It will lie to us all day long. And when we get still and ask ourselves, "Is that the truth?" and you tune into your gut, your gut will tell you the right answer. I don't believe your gut is ever wrong. I believe that it either leads you to the next right step or the next right lesson.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, so even if you, quote, trust your gut and it blows up in your face...
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It was leading you to a lesson that you absolutely needed.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Exactly. Yep, yep. And I believe our steps are ordered that way. And when we talk about the "no's," the moment I decided to trust myself and listen to that knowing over the "no's" in my own head and launch this business, what a lot of people don't know because they just see the headline fairy tale, "Oh, Denny's waitress builds billion dollar company," it was three years, hundreds and hundreds of "no's," "no" after "no" after "no" after "no." I would pray or meditate and be like, "Why is this not working? Why is no one telling me that they believe in my dream?" All these retail stores saying "no."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I had this vision for inclusivity in the beauty industry. I was saying, "Let's have models every age and shape and size." And I had this vision. I'm like, "Let me show my bare face rosacea and prove the product works." And these retail stores were mortified. They were mortified, right? There were thousands of makeup brands, but I entered that space fully authentically to who I was. No matter what your dream or your idea or your art you want to put out in the world or your podcast you want to launch, if you are one of the brave ones willing to do it authentically to you, by definition, it has never been done before. It has never been done before. Because there is not another you in existence and there never will be. And nobody can compete with that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I know one of our lies we're going to talk about is "You're not crazy. You're just first." But I'm going to go off on this.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Go right there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's the first lie. "You're not crazy. You're just first." Let's unpack that.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: You want me to unpack that?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Go, go, go. She's on a roll. Let's keep going.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: This one lie, oh my gosh, Mel, it is life changing. And this lie is called "You're not crazy. You're just first." So many of us think and believe the things that are different or odd or strange or quirky or wrong with us, that we should hide. And we should dim our own light, hide them from others. Because we fear if we show up as who we truly are, then we'll be found out. People might not like us anymore. We might not be loved. And so we end up, so many of us, showing up as who we think other people want us to be. We end up showing up as our representative.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: A lot of people wake up in the morning and put on their "who they think they need to be" uniform with their name on the front. Like a Denny's waitress uniform. Here I am in my role.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes, in my role.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Good daughter, good partner, good employee. I'm just going to keep showing up. The friend that gets invited, the mom that has it all together, whatever that role is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So first of all, it is impossible to have a true connection with another human being if you are showing up as anything other than who you authentically are, whether it's with a friend or a partner or a customer. For everyone listening who thinks, "Oh, if I'm me, I won't be loved," or "If I'm really me, then I won't do well on social media or I won't get the promotion or I won't get the job," who you are deep down inside and your authenticity is your superpower.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: For anybody listening who has ever felt like they're different or that they don't belong growing up. Growing up as a little girl, I was adopted. I have five families who raised me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Five families. Can you explain that?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Through divorces and then birth family I met later. Yeah. Five families. So blessed. I would not change a thing. And also growing up, I always felt like I didn't belong. I would have these big ideas like, "What if we could solve world hunger?" And I was raised in an environment where no one had ever gone to college. And I would hear things like, "Things like that don't happen to people like us," or "You're crazy." They would always call me crazy as a term of endearment. "You're crazy for having these different ideas."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Fast forward, I am in my late twenties and I went to therapy, first person in any of my families I'm aware of to go to therapy. And I literally asked my therapist, I said, "Am I crazy?" Because I've been called this as a term of endearment my whole life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As a term of endearment.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Talk about gaslighting yourself.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah. Right. And my therapist said to me, "You're not crazy, but I'm really glad you're here." And she explained that when you are first in your family to maybe break a generational cycle or to actually show up as who you authentically are, to really share how you feel, to share your ideas, to not dim your light to fit in, that it often is met with confusion, resistance, with a feeling like you need to dim your light to belong.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And this moment, Mel, hit me so bright like a light bulb that burst. I realized in that moment, I'm not crazy. I'm just first. I'm just first. You are the first ever you that has ever been in existence. And so when you show up as who you are, do not be surprised if not everyone gets it. There's never been a you before.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And it's not just that every one of us has unique fingerprints and irises of our eyes and tongue prints that are unique and heartbeats that are unique. You're the only one in existence who's had the experiences you've had in life and feels emotions the way you feel and sees art and beauty the way that you do. And when you are brave enough to be who you truly are, it's scary at first. But when you step into it and one step at a time, you start saying what you really mean, being who you truly are. It's how you start to live in alignment with your assignment in life.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And so I go deep in this lie in *Worthy* about how to unlearn the lie that the things that are wrong with you or odd or strange or different are the things you should hide, when in fact, they're the things most right with you. There are so many moments in my life when I was going through rejection after rejection or not being invited to the party or retailers weren't believing in my brand and I was tempted to quit. And I would remind myself, "Okay, I'm doing this authentic to me. I'm not crazy. I'm just first. I'm just first."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: In any moment where you're tempted to feel like your idea isn't good enough or you shouldn't raise your hand and share how you really feel. So many of us can remember a moment in our childhood, in class perhaps, when we knew the answer, but for the first time ever, didn't raise our hand because we started to doubt. "Am I right? Am I going to get made fun of? Am I going to fit in?" And self-doubt starts to kick in. And before you know it, we're 55 and deciding, "I think I'm not going to raise my hand on that Zoom call tomorrow," or "I'm not going to go after that wild, bold idea because it might not work." And we start to live our lives hiding in plain sight. And we can be crushing things all around us that look good to everyone else, but we know we're not living the truest, highest, fullest expression of ourselves. And so for anyone who's ever felt like who they are isn't enough, it is a lie. You are not crazy. You're just first.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One thing about this, especially in the context of a family system structure, when you feel like there's something wrong with you or when you get pushback from your family, the reframe from the lie, which is everybody telling you "You're crazy. You can't do that." People judging you, you even judging yourself. That reframe is so powerful because I've been really surprised by how difficult it is in my own life. But I know in your life as you're listening to break free of that fear of disappointing people in your family or what their expectations were for you. And so to think, "Oh, I'm just the first one to go to college. I'm just the first one to not be an accountant. I'm just the first one to really prioritize healing. I'm just the first one that's going to live my life differently than everybody in my family has done forever." And in so doing, I am setting up this lie, "You're crazy," and calling it out for what it is and living in the truth, which is, "No, I'm just first."
--:-- Mel Robbins: First. And as much as I don't want to take a break, I want to hit pause. Let's hear a quick word from our sponsors. They allow us to bring this magic to you listening for free. So give them a little bit of love. But don't you dare go anywhere. I'm telling you right now, don't go anywhere. Because Jamie and I are going to be waiting for you after a short break. And when we return, there's so much to dig into. There are four more lies. There are so many more stories that you're going to hear. And one of my favorite stories is the first time she ever appeared on QVC. I cannot wait for you to experience this. We'll see you in a few minutes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And I am here today with one of my all-time favorite people, Jamie Kern Lima. Her resume is so long. She's the founder of It Cosmetics. She's a New York Times bestselling author. Her brand new book is *Worthy*. And we are digging into the five lies that you are telling yourself that are holding you back from reaching your potential. And we are in the middle of covering the first lie, which is, "You're not crazy." Like all those people that told you that you're crazy. It's a lie. It's a lie. And Jamie's beautiful, empowering rockstar reframe, "You're just first." You're just the first one in your family to do this. You're just the first one to go to school. You're just the first one to have this idea.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So Jamie, I want to add to this conversation and go a little bit deeper because we have a question from a listener named Lisa. "I have this belief that good things happen to others, but not me. How do I start believing in myself?"
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes. So that is such a common lie that we tell ourselves, that good things happen to other people, but not us. And I was raised around that lie, right? I was raised around that lie that, "Oh, things like that can't happen to people like us." So my whole family, a lot of my family believes that lie as well. And I remember when I was waitressing at Denny's, I had this moment where I'm like, "I think I could run this restaurant," right? I had this moment, but guess what? Self-doubt kicked in really fast. And that lie that Lisa just shared, I remember thinking that. "Oh, but I can't. I'm not qualified to do that thing. People like me don't run the restaurant."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So how do you overcome that? Let me just take a step back. Every single thing in life is the meaning we attach to it. And we have the power to unlearn that lie because this is a lie.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's true.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: That's the story you're telling yourself. It's the story that "Things like that don't happen to people like us." That's a lie.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: It is a lie. And so maybe there's a lot of evidence in the past that makes you go, "Oh, but I have evidence to prove this." Okay. But do you? First question is, do you want to unbelieve that? Do you want to still continue believing that lie? Let me just get really real here. Some of us use our lies as excuses on why something's not happening. So the next question is, do I want to unlearn that lie? Because those are just lies that lead to self-doubt that keep us stuck, that keep us feeling like we're unworthy.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Right now, as we're talking, 80% of women do not believe they're enough. 91% of girls and women don't love their bodies. 75% of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. 73% of men feel inadequate and like they're not enough. So why I wrote *Worthy* is like the time to unlearn these lies has come. And so for Lisa, great job being aware of the lie. A lot of times we tell ourselves lies, we're not even aware of it. We just think they're truths. But guess what? You're the character of your main lie. You cannot always control all the supporting actors and actresses that come into your world, but you can control the main character and how you describe her and how you define her and what you want her storyline to be going forward.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And so the next question is, do you want to keep that lie or do you want to unlearn it? If you want to unlearn it, you reframe it. And every time it comes into your mind, you intercept it. You intercept that lie that says "Things like that don't happen to people like me." You decide, "Oh, no, no. My new meaning is things like that haven't happened yet. Oh, but they're going to happen. Once I step into who I authentically am, I am the first ever only me. And I'm going to live in alignment with my assignment." And I believe, for me, when that lie comes into my head, I'm like, "Oh, I'm not crazy. I'm first." And I just reframe it and I decide the meaning I attach to my story. I decide what I'm going to believe is going to happen. And I decide that will be my narrative. And the second we do that, because what we focus on is what we magnify, and that becomes our whole life. And when you change your story, you change your entire life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Was there a moment in the building of It Cosmetics where that lie came up for you? You're getting told "no, no, no, no, no, no, no." And you start to look around and see there's all these other cosmetic brands. Clearly it's happening for other people and it's not happening for someone like me.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah. All the time. All the time. I remember hundreds of "no's" and rejections into It Cosmetics. So easy for me to say, "Oh, I'm a person that not only gets rejected, but I'm a reject." Let it take root in my self-worth level. And then that's when it is a powerful lie that becomes hard to unlearn. The biggest struggle for me was, and especially as we started getting success, which was many years in, but we got a big shot on QVC. So after years of "no's," I get a "yes" on QVC, which is a live television shopping channel for anyone unfamiliar with it. And it's broadcast to 100 million homes.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: At this moment, Mel, we were selling only two to three orders a day on our website. And that's not enough to pay the bills. I don't know if you know that, but you are teetering on bankruptcy for years. And after hearing "no" after "no" after "no" after "no," I even from QVC, I got a "yes" for one shot in this 10-minute window to launch the product.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And put everybody at the scene because this sounds like something that would cause any human being the biggest case of stress diarrhea on live television because it is an unbelievable pressure cooker what you have to do. So just for the uninitiated, put us on the set at QVC. You are teetering on bankruptcy. You're only selling two of your products every day. You've been at this for years and years and years and "no" and "no" and "no." And you're up in your head like, "People like me, this doesn't happen to. People like me, it happens to them." And the lies are coming up. So what do you do at QVC? What do you have to do when somebody says, "Yes, you can sell your product"?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yeah. So, okay. I learned I had to sell over 6,000 units of this product to hit their sales goal in the 10-minute window.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In 10 minutes?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: In 10 minutes or not come back. And remember, we're only selling two or three orders a day, right? So I go to 20 banks trying to get a loan to fund the inventory to do this. 22 banks said "no." The 23rd bank, California Bank and Trust, gave us a loan for just the amount to cover this purchase order and a little bit more to get my one shot on QVC. I learned it's a consignment offer, which means if I don't sell it, I don't get paid. I have to take it all back, right? And everything was on the line.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And here's the story about the power of your authenticity, about knowing you're not crazy, you're just first. Because in that moment, I've been told "no" so many times, right? And we start to doubt, "Oh, right, that lie. Do things like this possibly happen for people like me?" So we figured all out. I get there. All of these third-party consultants are saying, "Okay, if you want to do well, here's what you need to do. You need to book this type of model to demonstrate your product," which was all like people who look like they're 12 with flawless skin. I'm like, "That is not why I created this brand. That's not authentic to why I did this."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I would tell them, these third-party consultants, and they help a lot of people, and they really wanted me to win. And I said, "Well, what if I put a model in her 80s and then women in their 40s and 50s with hyperpigmentation and someone who's dealing with acne? And what if I take my own makeup off on national TV and show my bright red rosacea?"
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And they were mortified. They're like, "You're crazy. Yes, you're crazy." They said, "Listen, you get one shot. You understand you get one shot."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I remember, Mel, I flew out to QVC in Pennsylvania, and a week before, I sat in this rental car in the parking lot every single day, staring at the front door of the building, like praying, crying in the car all alone because I felt like the pressure was so heavy. And in that moment, those lies come up and I start to doubt myself. And I think, "Well, maybe I should be inauthentic. Try it their way. And maybe I'll do well finally, and then I'll make money, and then I could try it my way." I had all of these thoughts come up.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I remember this moment in that car where I—these words that while authenticity alone doesn't automatically guarantee success, inauthenticity guarantees failure. Every time, over time. You and I, everyone listening, you can see people popping up online everywhere. And maybe they do well for a minute, but over time, it does not work. Why is Mel Robbins podcast the number one podcast? Why? Because look how you show up fully authentically, the same way on air as you are off air.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I know this lesson, yet I'm sitting there in my car telling myself lies like some of your listeners are writing in. "Oh, things like this don't happen to me. Everyone's telling me I'm crazy." But I know every single person listening, you are not crazy. You are just first. And when someone does not get you, that's okay. You have to align with your authenticity because that's what is your superpower. And I knew that lesson and I was scared out of my mind to trust that, but I did.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I walked into the building, and the moment I walked in the studio, there's these giant clocks on the floor that said 10 minutes. I got 10 minutes to hit those sales goals or not come back. And then, Mel, I learned right before I went on air that you're not guaranteed your 10 minutes. If you're a minute or two into your presentation, they know by the second if you're hitting sales numbers. If you're a minute or two in and you're not hitting sales numbers, your clock—you think you have eight minutes left—it jumps to one minute. You're done.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So I learned that. And I go on air. And you talk about—you were mentioning—imagine stress diarrhea. I go on air, I'm drenched in sweat. I have on two pairs of Spanx under my dress, not because I care what I look like. I was trying to absorb all the sweat so that I didn't sweat through my dress on national TV. And I remember the lights go on, and I was trying to do a demonstration to show how my product doesn't crease and crack on my wrist. And my hand was shaking so much that the host grabbed my hand, put it under the podium. She's like, "Thank you, sugar." And she took over.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I remember the moment on national television, my bright red rosacea comes up, my bare face. And I remember walking over to models every age and shape and size and skin tone and skin challenge and calling them beautiful and meaning it. And I didn't know how we were doing a few minutes in, but I knew I wasn't cut yet. And then we got down to the one minute mark left, and I hear the host say, "The deep shade's almost gone. The tan shade's almost sold out." I was like, "Oh, oh." And then literally the moment the 10 minute mark hit, this giant sold out sign comes up across the screen. I start crying on national television. They cut from me and go for like Dyson vacuum or something.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And my husband, I remember this, my husband comes rushing through the double doors of the studio. I'm sobbing, like sobbing. Our very first employee, one of my best friends of 20 years, she was the only person on payroll at the time because we couldn't even afford to pay ourselves. She starts sobbing. My husband comes running over to me, and I thought he's going to hug me. And he just looks at me and he puts his arms in the air and his fists and he's like, "We're not going bankrupt." And I'm like, real women are spooking and just like sobbing.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I remember in that moment, all the things people told me about me would not work. The years and years of rejection, the retailers that didn't believe in me, making that decision to remind myself and every person listening right now: I don't know what room you're walking into today, what phone call you're walking into, what Zoom you're walking into, what idea you're about to share, but you're doubting it. You are not crazy. You are just first. You're just first.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: It's why I wrote this poem that is poured out. It's the only poem in the book, and it's called "You're Not Crazy, You're Just First."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Would you read us the poem you wrote?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes. And let me read an excerpt of it.
--:-- [Reading from the book]
You're not crazy. You're just first.
Who do you think you are? They say.
Things like that aren't for people like us.
Why are you going around changing?
Planning to leave us in the dust?
Are you forgetting where you come from?
Are we not good enough anymore?
And just like that, the temptation to play life small
feels more comfortable than before.
If you're doubting you're enough, your thoughts,
their words have got you down.
It's time for your soul to tell your mind
there's a new boss in town.
See, there's no one else quite like you
in the entire universe.
And what your soul knows is you're not crazy.
You're dispersed.
The first to have your hopes and dreams.
The first you there's ever been.
So don't be surprised if they don't get you
or try to shame you to fit in.
They call you odd, strange, different
for having dreams bigger than they can see.
Because those dreams weren't given to them,
they see them through fear and anxiety.
And even the well-intentioned people
who love you to the bone
can see you pursuing your dreams
as a reminder of them not fulfilling their own.
If people like people who are like them,
hiding your true selves a comfort zone,
but a calling unexpressed inside you
leaves you feeling anguished and alone,
even inside of your own home.
They call you words like crazy
and say we stick together for better or for worse.
But what your knowing knows is
you're not crazy, you're dispersed.
The first to launch the business,
to dust your dreams off of the shelf.
The first to believe you're worthy
of betting on yourself.
The first to beat addiction,
to live life sober and awake.
The first to end the generational cycle
that you know you're born to break.
The first to start healing.
The first to forgive so you'll be free.
The first to love others for who they are,
not for who you wish they'd be.
And when doubt tempts you to dim your light,
always remember this verse.
Your soul knows you're made for more
with so much purpose it can burst.
You're born with greatness inside you.
And whether it's a blessing or a curse,
the world won't be better
until your greatness is dispersed.
See, there's only one of you in the entire universe.
And your knowing knows deep down,
you're not crazy. You're dispersed.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, wow. Are you crying, Mel Robbins?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I'm just sitting here. I'm very proud of you.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: What does that mean to you?
--:-- Mel Robbins: It means freedom.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: When you unlearn those lies that lead to self-doubt, oh my gosh. And you start to ignite those truths that wake up worthiness, like that is what that feels like joy and tastes like freedom. That is when we start to feel alive. That is when the weight of other people's expectations, or even the ones we put on ourselves, starts to lift. We don't soar to the level of our goals and dreams. We stay stuck at the level of our self-worth. We don't rise to what we believe is possible. We will always fall to what we believe we're worthy of.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: You will never feel joy and fulfillment in life until you learn to embrace who you truly are and learn to believe you are enough as who you are. And that is the truth. Every person listening, I do not care how many past mistakes and failures and regrets—none of that is relevant when it comes to your worth. And when we learn that, it is the most powerful, powerful thing we can do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I need a tall glass of water in order to just digest what you just poured into us, Jamie. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And we're going to take a quick break right now and hear a word from our sponsors. And when we return, don't go anywhere. We have four more lies to cover. And this next one, I know that you're going to get a ton out of because it's about your past and about the mistakes that you've made. And Jamie is going to teach you today how to dismantle that lie and how to discover your worth and to keep on going. Stay with us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm here with the remarkable Jamie Kern Lima, New York Times bestselling author. She's here with her new book, *Worthy*. You know her as the founder of IT Cosmetics, which she sold to L'Oreal for $1.2 billion. And she is here today in our Boston Studios to teach you the five lies that you're telling yourself that are holding you back from all of your power and all of your purpose and unlocking all the joy in your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so, Jamie, let's go to lie number two: "My past mistakes and failures determine my future success." And the way that I want to dig into this one is with a question from a listener named Jesse, who writes, "Jamie, I keep failing over and over and over again. How do I know when it is time to quit?" And this gets us back to, is it a no, like, "Hell no, we're not doing this anymore"? Or is it a knowing to keep going? What is the specific thing that you could tell her or anybody to do to really tease out a string of rejections?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes. And whether it's like the "is it quitting time" or "is it keep going time."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Jesse, I love that you asked this question because here's the thing. You go online, all you see is what looks like everyone's successes. And when we're getting rejected, when we're failing, we think something's wrong with us. We think we're alone. We think, "Oh, maybe my gut is wrong." I am living proof that rejections, failures, setbacks, no one else believing in you, things not getting traction, things not going your way for a long period of time are not an indication of the potential of your success. They are not.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And the people who succeed the most—and you can Google anyone in history, you can read all about my story, Mel Robbins' story—anybody who has moved humanity forward, who has launched an incredible business, an incredible podcast, written a great book. Read about all of them. The people who succeed the most are the same people who fail the most because they're the ones who try the most. So anybody listening today who's been hiding their failures and their past mistakes and thinking "it's just me," first of all, it is not. You are not alone. You are one of the brave ones willing to actually go for it. So you're one of the ones now in the rare group who is highly likely to succeed because you're one of the ones going for it.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And how do you know when it's time? Because I do believe that sometimes knowing when to let go of a dream matters as much as knowing when to go after one. So how do you do that? I approach that the same way I approach, "Is it time for this relationship to end, or me to leave this job, or me to leave this friendship?" I get still. And for some people, this might look like praying. It might look like meditation. I will get still. I will pray. I don't talk out loud when I pray. Some people do. There is no wrong way to pray. There is no wrong way to meditate. This is a universal tool, whether someone has a faith that they practice or does not.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I literally will ask for the answer. I will ask for the answer, and I will wait until I hear it. And one thing that's important to do is not project the answer you want and think you hear that, because you can block your intuition when you're just focused on what you're hoping for. But to really get still, get quiet, and ask the question, I will wait until I feel an intuition or something as close to a feeling or a knowing as I can. And I will take a step in that direction.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. So I want to really break this down. Because we're all hanging on your words because that difference between a "no" is the truth versus a "no" is just fear and self-doubt. A lot of people, they go, "Well, I don't hear my intuition. What do I do if I don't hear it?"
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: This is a skill that you can build. It's like building a muscle. As women, especially—oh my gosh, really all generations of women. But when you think about women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s in particular, a lot of us were raised to be quiet, to not actually say what we mean, and to be people pleasers. We learned that we're not enough on our own. And you look at all the studies that show women will make decisions based on consensus. You look at the studies that show when they ask little girls and boys a question, the boys will give an answer right away. The girls will turn to each other and try to come up with a consensus answer. So we, especially as women, learn to not hear our own intuition.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And so as adults, the beautiful thing is we all have it. And you are never too young or too old to start learning how to hear it again. One of my favorite tools to build your intuition is just to take some time, get still, ask a question, see if anything comes up. And that's okay if it doesn't. But then also carve out some time to think back to moments in your life when you had a gut feeling about something and maybe you trusted it. And then what happened? And then similarly, think back to moments when you had a gut feeling you didn't trust it. You let everyone else's opinion tell you what to do. You went against your feeling. And then what happened then?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And as you focus on those moments in your life, you start to build that muscle of remembering what does that feel like when I have a feeling? And when I trusted it or didn't trust it, what happened? And you start building that muscle over time. And you've got to give yourself grace, because you talk about neural pathways on your show all the time. But for a lot of us, we haven't learned how to hear ourself or trust ourself our entire life. What if we all take up this hobby of "I'm going to learn to trust my own intuition"? And every day I'm going to take one step forward of trusting it. Or just asking myself before I just give an answer to someone and say yes when I really mean no. Like say, "Oh, yeah, I'll volunteer for that thing" when you don't want to do it. Just pause and be like, "How am I really feeling?" And that's your intuition telling you exactly what you need to know. And then just making that decision one step at a time to start trusting and to rebuild that muscle.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, if I can offer to you listening just a little explanation for how I do this.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So for me, absolutely got to get still. Because I noticed that the lies are more dominant and the self-doubt is more powerful the busier I am. And the more I'm just in the go, go, go, go, go. Because there's a lot of emotion and energy with go, go, go, go, go. And so when I get still and I really drop into what is true for me, there is a very distinct feeling associated for me personally. And the feeling is this: if let's just say that I have to make a phone call—every one of us has a phone call we're probably putting off or dreading. And if you drop into, "How do I really feel about this? Do I need to make this call? Should I not?" Or a conversation—there's a conversation that you need to have. And we avoid it and we avoid it and we avoid it. But your knowing is going, "You got to have the conversation." But the "no" is like, "Not today, not today, not today."
--:-- Mel Robbins: For me, I can drop into the knowing if I really try to feel the energy around doing it or not. So when I'm putting something off, even though it feels a little bit like a relief, I feel a part of me shrinking. There is something about the energy of that that is depleting and constricting and small. And if I access the knowing, what is always true for me, even if it scares the daylights out of me, is that there is something more expansive. And there is something through that experience that I know is going to expand or grow or free me up. And that's how I distinguish at a very deep level: okay, what is actually my knowing versus what is the "no" being driven by emotion or self-doubt or pattern?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Isn't that so true? When we live in alignment with our truth, you feel that expansion, that freedom. Even it's like the thing you're dreading, you don't want to do it. But then you do it and you just feel that freedom. Whereas if you're letting self-doubt take over, the thing telling you "don't do it," that doesn't feel that same way. And I love how you described it. It feels constricted.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I just think of—we think, "Oh, I'm going to be who everyone else wants me to be or dim my light to play it safe or to get love." It feels that same way. Dimming our light, not being who we truly are, can feel like the safe thing to do, but it feels constricted. But when we show up fully authentically, even if not everyone gets it, if we make that decision—"I'm not crazy, I'm just first"—you're going to feel what Mel just described, that expansiveness, because it's part of your knowing of who you're born to be on this earth.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I always get the question, and I know you do too: "How do I know the difference between something I'm afraid to do and the fear is real?" And here's what I have to say to you. Nine times out of 10, I am afraid to do the thing that I know is right.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the fear is real.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that's why you have to get still.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Exactly.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, there's another lie. So this is kind of the third lie that you really had to dismantle, which is "Your weight determines your worth."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: For every person listening, Mel Robbins, most of my entire life, I believed my weight determined my worth.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wait, what does that mean?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Right now, 89% of girls and women will opt out of meaningful activities, including interaction with friends and loved ones, when they do not like how they look. We miss out on our lives when we are waiting on our weight. And by the way, for some people, it's not literal weight. It's the weight of other people's expectations that they need to stop waiting on. The weight of their own expectations. What are you waiting on right now in your life? And how are you letting that determine your worth before you live your best life?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So this was a lie that took me most of my entire life so far to unlearn. And I created a business that was so about celebrating every person for their authentic beauty. I was able to overcome so many lies that lead to self-doubt in my life. I was able to build self-worth around believing I was worthy of having a CEO title, of running a business, of building a team of over a thousand, all those things. But I still struggled with the lie that my weight determined my worth.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And it wasn't until my daughter's one year birthday—we're at this hotel and I'm about to opt out of swimming again because I don't want to wear the swimsuit. I want to sit on the chair on the side of the pool, all covered up, and miss out on this moment in her life. When I realized, "What has waiting on my weight already cost me in my life?" And the answer: way too much. Memories, experiences, joy, all of it. Because as humans, we're wired to avoid pain at all costs. And I had been thinking, "Oh, if I go out there in my swimsuit, I'll be judged. I'll be this. I'll be that." I was associating pain with that.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And that moment I flipped the script, and I associated more pain with what I had missed out on, with the pain of regret, with the pain of what has waiting on my weight already cost me. And that is how I flipped the lie around. And I decided no more. And I literally took my cover up off. I shook my cellulite with joy and I got right in that pool. And I made it not about me anymore. I'm like, "Me hiding on the sidelines—what I'm doing is I'm telling my daughter she's not worthy of her body either. I am not. That lie has got to stop now."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: The moment we step into our power, that is when we give other people permission to step into theirs. And now every time I walk around in a swimsuit, all I think about is: I would never care what someone else looks like. People do not care what I look like. This is about living life with no regret. This is about inspiring other people to embrace all of who they are. And start considering: what has waiting on your weight already cost you? When we think of it that way, that is almost way more painful than the fear that we're making up in our heads about just living our best life as who we are, exactly as we are.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I don't have anything to add. So I'm going to go to lie number four.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So lie number four: "If I stand out, I'll get kicked out." What does that mean?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: This is a big one because as women, we learn to downplay our strengths, to dim our light, to fit in. We often will bond over problems. We'll be self-deprecating. If we get a victory, we'll downplay it and give credit away to someone else. But if there's something wrong with us, we'll tell everyone, "Oh, my house is a disaster. My kid is a hot mess." And we bond with each other over problems. And we worry like, "Oh, wow, I crushed this," or "This happened to me." We worry if we share that, then we get hate.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I actually struggle with this one. There are very few people that I share my success with or my wins or the things that I'm really proud of that are going really, really well. Like I chronically downplay things. You're somebody that I'm the first person to text, the first person to be like—big and small. But this is definitely something that I struggle with. And I grew up around someone who constantly was griping about other people who were wealthy or who had this or that. And I started to associate any kind of standing out as attracting disapproval, a lack of love.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes, exactly. That's exactly it. We think if I stand out, I'll get kicked out. I will no longer belong and be loved. And so we hide and dim our light. And thank you for just texting me when you have a victory, because I hope you sense I'm so freaking excited for you and so happy. That's where I text you. And real friends want the best in others. And it just takes every one of us together to start celebrating wins of other people to start sharing our own wins.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And I think one tip on that for everybody listening: if you're just hesitant to unlearn that lie, and you're worried that people will think, "Oh, who does she think she is?" or "She's arrogant"—which is just their own unworthiness being reflected on you because they also believe that lie—instead of thinking, "Oh, I'm going to share my win because of myself," just flip it and think: "When I share my win, I'm living an example of freeing another woman to start sharing hers." And you make it about something bigger than yourself. And that is how you unlearn the lie one step at a time, especially for people that feel like self-worth is selfish. It's not. It is not. The more you raise your own self-worth, the stronger you are an example for other people on how to believe they're enough too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Awesome. The fifth lie I wanted you to explain that you had to confront was "Labels are permanent." What does that mean?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes, Mel. So many of us in our life have let labels that someone else said about us—it could be in our childhood, it could be in a relationship as an adult, something an employer said, something someone said online, something we told ourselves—we've let these labels stick to us and take root. And we've told ourselves the lie that they're permanent.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have a question for you about this. Because there is this remarkable thing that happened to you when you were building IT Cosmetics, where you are wildly successful. You're sitting in a meeting with a bunch of bankers. You have gone through all of these rounds through this process, and somebody gave you a label. And I'd love for you to tell that story and then tell us how the heck did you peel that label off yourself when somebody so publicly just took you down.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Yes. So often we think the label is permanent, or we don't realize we're carrying it around. And we're believing it. We're letting it take root in our identity. But labels are like post-it notes. They have this light adhesive. They come right off when you decide for them to come off. But it's hard when we don't realize they're stuck to us. And they can be like lead balloons on our wings when we're trying to fly. They hold us down.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So I was meeting with this potential investor, huge private equity company. And you guys, I really wanted him to believe in us because I thought maybe he'll be able to use all his leverage and power to get us into all the retail stores that were telling us no. And this big investor, they're known for taking little small companies and making them huge companies that a lot of us shop for in grocery stores or big box retailers.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And to put this in context, you're already killing it on QVC. Like this is not like you're in your living room anymore. This is Jamie is legit. The biggest brand at QVC. She is destroying it. And now she's going to level this up. And so she goes to somebody in the industry, and you have the results and you have the product and you've got the track record and you've got the revenue, and you go waltzing in there meeting after meeting. Tell us what happened.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And they loved our products. And I just thought this is going to be so great because we're going to take it to the next level and all these things. And I presented our whole product pipeline for the future. And I just thought this was going so well. I thought, "Oh my gosh, this is going to be it. This is going to be it." And at the very end of the meeting, he's three feet from me. My husband's on the other side. And I remember the moment his mouth started moving, and he says, "You know, congratulations. You should be so proud of this product. But it's a no. We're going to pass on investing in IT Cosmetics." And I was like, "Okay, can you tell me why?" Because feedback is usually a gift. And he just got really quiet. And then he says to me, "Do you want me to be really honest with you?" And I said, "Yes, please." He says, "I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I remember a lifetime of self-doubt and body doubt like flooding my body all at once. But Mel, the moment he said those words to me—"I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight"—I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can feel it like it was yesterday that said, "He's wrong." And what I know happened in that moment, because I got that deep feeling, was that this dude gave me a "no," but God gave me a knowing.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And it goes back to what we're talking about: whether we're the ones telling ourselves "no" or someone else gives us a label and it's a "no," it always comes down to which you listen to. Do you listen to the "no" or do you listen to the knowing? We let these labels or these stories we're telling about ourselves stick to us. And sometimes we don't realize we're doing it. Whether it's "I've had failures, I've made mistakes, everyone keeps breaking up with me, friends betray me"—whatever these stories are, these labels can snowball and impact everything we believe.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And so in *Worthy*, I go through this exercise on how do you identify these labels. They can impact your self-worth at such a deep level. And again, in life, so many of us have had failures, rejections, et cetera, that have rattled our confidence. But when we let them take root as a label that "we're a failure" or "we're a reject," that's when it impacts our self-worth. That's when it impacts everything in our life. And so learning to identify those labels and then ask yourself, "Is that really true?" No, it is not really true. It is the story we are telling ourselves. And we can remove that label and replace it with a new empowering label.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So in the case of me being adopted and my parents always working, I was like, "Okay, I can look at it as I'm unwanted or abandoned." And instead I'm like, "No, no, no. What is something that is actually really true?"
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: It has to be true that I'm going to believe about this story. Oh, I'm chosen. My birth mom, her life would have been way easier if she did not have me, but she chose to have me. And then my parents who raised me chose to adopt me. I'm not rejected. I'm not unwanted. I'm chosen.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And here's one of my favorite ones for someone listening today. This is my—oh my gosh, I'm going to jump in my seat.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You are hopping in your seat.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I'm hopping in my seat.
--:-- Mel Robbins: She's getting wound up, everybody. Because I feel like Jamie's wanting herself, you know, and you like talk about our knowing.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I just think about every day we get rejected. We tell ourselves no's. We get people sticking labels on us. We apply for the job. We want it so bad. And we don't know why they didn't see our value and we don't get it. And we have the person betray us or pull the rug out from under us. And we're so tempted to assign a label that is disempowering.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: So my favorite way to do this is to replace it with new empowering labels. For example, every time something like that happens to me, I will assign a new label that I believe to be true. Whether it was the person that I really wanted to be friends with and they just don't see my value, or the people that don't include me, or the door that closed in my face, whatever it is, I decide the label is "divinely ordered." My life is divinely orchestrated. And I choose that label and that trust over rejected failure.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: By the way, Mel, I don't think I've ever shared this before out loud, but in high school, I was voted biggest procrastinator.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Really?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Biggest procrastinator in the high school yearbook. And listen, at the time, it was kind of true. I wanted to hang out with my friends and I was working jobs, so I'd turn in homework late and all these things. If I let that label that people gave me at that time—biggest procrastinator, they're right in the yearbook—if I let that take root, I could have never, when I had those feelings as a struggling waitress feeling like I could launch a business, if I let that label take root, I could have never done it.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: It's about assigning new labels. This is everywhere. I'm thinking people that say "I'm not a morning person" or "I'm not smart" or "I'm not good with languages" or "I'm not great at math" or "I could never." "I'm too old." "I'm too young." "My days have passed." "No one wants it." All of it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All of it. I feel like I should just race out of here and go do something. Like I'm like, okay, all right, all right, all right. Like a great sermon or emotional motivation. I'm like, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But what happened to that investor? Did you ever see him again?
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Okay. I didn't hear—
--:-- Mel Robbins: By the way, I prayed before this episode that something that would happen in this room today is exactly for someone listening to us right now. So I love that you feel that way because I feel that way. I cannot wait until people write into the Mel Robbins Podcast and share this episode. We all need to unlearn these lies that lead to self-doubt.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Okay. I did not hear from that potential investor again for six years. The day that we sold our business to L'Oreal. How wild. I mean, when I was waitressing at Denny's, saving my tip money, I could have never imagined that this would all happen. I had hoped. I had little feelings. But the day L'Oreal bought our business for $1.2 billion cash—and they were our public company, so it was all over the press, it was the homepage of the Wall Street Journal—that was the first time I heard from him.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: The one who said women won't buy makeup from someone who looks like me. First time I heard from him in six years. And he said, "Congratulations on the L'Oreal deal. I was wrong."
--:-- Mel Robbins: No shit.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: And it's funny. I know I've joked with you before about this. In that moment, for anyone who's seen the movie *Pretty Woman*, where she goes in the store and they won't help her, and then she comes back later—what I wanted to say to him in that moment was "Big mistake. Huge. Huge." I can give you 1.2 billion reasons why it was a huge mistake. But I kept it classy. I did not say that. I wouldn't have wanted to be him. And I go into *Worthy* about—
--:-- Mel Robbins: But here's the thing. If he had said yes, you wouldn't have sold your company for over a billion dollars to L'Oreal, and you wouldn't have been directed on the path you were meant to go. One of my biggest takeaways when I listen to you and I hear your wisdom is that it's easy to look backwards at your life and go, "Thank God it happened that way," or "I now understand how all the dots connect."
--:-- Mel Robbins: What you're talking about is the life-changing magic of learning how to be in the present moment, the present day, and trust that the dots will connect. That your life is directing you toward the lessons or toward the life that you are supposed to be leading. If you can get out of this self-doubt, and if you can tee up the lies and the labels that you keep telling yourself that simply aren't true, you can drop into this deeper knowing. The deeper knowing can be as simple as "It is going to work out. I am figuring it out. I do know what is right for me. And I'm worthy of being who I am. I'm worthy of my goals and my dreams."
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Our self-worth is our ceiling. Our self-worth is our ceiling in every area of life. It's those lies that create a ceiling for us. Unlearning those lies and learning to believe that you are worthy exactly as you are—you are not crazy, you're just first. Your past failures do not determine your future successes. If you stand out, you'll get kicked out—but if you stand out, that is how you step into alignment with your assignment and the person that you're born to be.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Unlearning those lies is the greatest way to get on your North Star of who you're born to be and to enjoy the journey. Because when we're living under the belief of all these lies, you cannot be fulfilled. No matter how much you accomplish, you cannot be fulfilled when you don't believe you're enough. You cannot accomplish your way into fulfillment when underneath it all, you don't believe you're enough. You cannot get married and have the kids and get the six-pack abs and do all the things you thought would make you fulfilled. They will not make you fulfilled when underneath it all, you do not believe you are worthy or enough.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: That is why this episode is so powerful about unlearning the lies. You are fully worthy, and learning to believe that you are enough—that is what brings fulfillment in your whole life. That's when you are able to be fulfilled as you step into all the most beautiful and hard and difficult parts of your life.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: Last thing I'll say: when you believe you're worthy, you become more fearless and more ambitious. Because you know, "Oh, I might go for it and fall flat on my face. It might shake my confidence for a little bit, but it cannot touch my self-worth." Your self-worth is your ceiling, which is why I'm so passionate about this. When we don't believe we're enough as we are, we'll either stay stuck, we'll go for things and sabotage them, we'll hit a ceiling, or we'll actually achieve them but feel empty and like something's missing. Believing you're enough, building your sense of worthiness—it's the key.
--:-- Jamie Kern Lima: I did a lot of things my whole life where I did not feel fulfilled and I thought something was missing even though I was achieving, and I didn't know why. It's because deep down inside, I didn't yet believe I was enough. So that is the one thing that will change everything.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Jamie Kern Lima, I cherish our friendship. I love you. I love your wisdom and how relatable you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for pouring into us and for writing a book that gives us a pathway to discovering our self-worth and unlocking the unique, limitless potential of our lives. I love you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And for you listening, I just want to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Clearly identifying these lies and these labels and punching them in the face and tapping into your self-worth is the way you're going to do that. I'll talk to you in a few days.
--:-- [Audio glitch, muffled sounds]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh wait, did I have headphones on? Oh dear. Okay, remember that, Lord. Okay, understand. Let me just see here. So where are you, sweetheart? Do you want me to do that line? What is it that I said last? Of course I was like, that's right here. Oh, got it. No, what did I say? Something's weird. It feels like it's almost—yeah, there's a huge—wait, what is that? Like, hold on a second. That—go ahead. I missed the catch on that. Okay. There it is. It's backwards trace. Oh my God. Done.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language that the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
