--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, you're about to meet someone who is so important to me. I just love this guy. Every single time he opens his mouth, I'm like, truth bomb, holy cow, why do I learn something every time I talk to you? He just has this simple wisdom. You talk to him about a situation that you're in, and it's like, boom, that was exactly what I needed to hear.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The fact is, I have been wanting to get him on the Mel Robbins podcast for over a year because I know you're going to love him as much as I do. And every time I talk to him, I just feel better. I smile. And today, he's here. Can you hear me smiling as I'm talking to you? I'm so excited because he flew all the way from the West Coast. It took me so long to get him here because he's been so busy. And I had to get permission from his parents. He's 10 years old. Welcome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's your friend, Mel. I'm so happy you're here. Whether you've been listening for a while or someone that you love sent you this episode and you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, welcome. You are going to absolutely love listening to this episode today. And I'm particularly excited because I know so many of you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast while you've got your families around or you're driving in the car with kids. And this episode in particular is absolutely perfect for you to listen to with the kids in your life, whether they're in elementary school or middle school.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I cannot wait for you to meet our guest today. His name is Elton. He is one of my most favorite people on the planet. And the reason why I love him is because he just has this simple wisdom. You ask him his perspective about any situation or anything going on in the world and it's like, boom, that was exactly what I needed to hear. And as I mentioned, this conversation has been over a year in the making because first, Elton had to finish the fourth grade, and second, I had to get him out here. So he came out to visit his grandparents. And I was like, Elton, let's make this a twofer. And so here he is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have known Elton his entire life. I've been wanting him to be on the podcast. I cannot wait for you to hear the simple wisdom and the fact that he has all these little sayings that are actually tools and you're going to want to steal them. The way he describes things in particular that kids struggle with, it's going to help your kids and it will definitely help you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's how this is going to work. I'm going to ask Elton a few questions. And as I ask Elton questions, I invite you and the people that you love who are listening along with you to answer these questions for yourself too, because I guarantee you what pops into your mind is going to surprise you. So without further ado, please help me welcome Elton to the Mel Robbins podcast.
--:-- Elton: Thank you for inviting me. I always wanted to be on a podcast.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So tell me, first off, how old are you?
--:-- Elton: 10 years old.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what grade are you going into?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And one of the reasons why I wanted to talk to you, Elton, is because you are one of my all-time favorite human beings.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You're one of my at least top five.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Top five. You're on my Mount Rushmore.
--:-- Elton: I am? I've never thought of it that way. I love that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Did you hear that? Steal that. Steal that. Can you imagine if you turned to some of your favorite people and you're like, top five, you're on my Mount Rushmore. When I'm having a bad day, I just think of my top five and your mug is right up there.
--:-- Elton: Oh, Elton, I'm stealing that right now. I'm going to tell Chris and Sawyer and Kendall. You're my top five. You're my Mount Rushmore. You're the best.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, before we jump into the way that you think about life in middle school and some of the things that are going on that you wish adults would know, which is what I cannot wait to hear you answer. I'm so curious about what you wish adults would know. First, Elton, I would just love for everyone to get to know you a little bit more. What do you like to do in your free time?
--:-- Elton: So I like to play some sports, but I'm also a video gamer.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What does that mean?
--:-- Elton: So like I play some Pokemon, I play some Super Mario, I play some like baseball, some soccer. And then in real life, I also play some baseball, some soccer, some football. And it's just really fun, at least what I think I'm doing. And I'm a people person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you think you were born that way? Just always been that way?
--:-- Elton: Because I've always been like very interactive. Like even since I was like five I was like going up to strangers and like, "I like your shoes."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you think it's important to compliment other people and be nice to other people?
--:-- Elton: Yeah, because like it's kind of like karma. Because like it's kind of like what karma, oh. Like if you don't share with someone then they're not going to share with you or they're not going to be kind with you. Because like if I like start like picking on a kid and they're not going to want to be friends with me because I'm picking on them. Like if I was kind of that kid, then maybe they would want to be friends with me. But if I'm not, then they won't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's true. So kind of what energy you put out there comes back to you.
--:-- Elton: Yeah, usually. Usually. Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That is so cool. Now I want to ask you this next question. And I want to invite you as you're listening along to think about your own answer too, because this is a really important question. What do you think makes life special?
--:-- Elton: Well, at least all I know, we only get like one chance and you got to make it good. Because if you just decide to be a jerk all your life, then like what have you really accomplished? Because like you're not being kind to people, you're not going to have many friends at least and like we know how friends helps your mental state.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, we know that.
--:-- Elton: And so then you're gonna be usually like depressed and like that just doesn't feel good, does it? So if someone doesn't be a jerk and they're super kind, they're gonna have lots of friends, they're gonna be invited to a bunch of stuff. Rather if you're a jerk, nobody wants to be friends with you, you're not going to get invited to stuff because you're just going to be like a party pooper. And like yeah, like you're not going to live life the way you probably want to.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Got it. And what do you think is the most important thing in life?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Kindness. Yeah.
--:-- Elton: Because like that just determines it all usually. Because like if you're not kind then people don't want to be friends. And then that leads into a whole different story. And then you argue a lot. And then you're mad at people. And then you get mad at yourself. And then that leads to sadness. And like, that's just not very fun.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So you're absolutely right, Elton. You know, I think a lot of adults are probably nodding in agreement with you right now. Because if you don't have friends, or if life is not going how you think it should go, then you argue a lot, then you get mad and that leads to sadness. I know I've experienced that in my life. So I love that you're bringing this up. Don't let other people dictate your mood and absolutely do not be a jerk to yourself or anyone else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's my next question to you, Elton. And I also want, as you're listening, to you consider this question too. What makes you truly happy?
--:-- Elton: Friends. My friends. Yeah, like they are the nicest people I've ever met and like they are just super kind, super supportive. Like they're into what I'm into and like they were just so nice.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, I have some great friends like that too. And I think you're right, friends do make all the difference. Friends make the best parts of life even better. And you know what else they do? They make the crappy parts. I know I can say that word to you. They make the crappy parts of life better too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's my next question for you, Elton. And this one's for you too as you're listening. How do you handle the days when you're feeling a little sad or a little lonely?
--:-- Elton: I try to interact with not kids, adults. Like I try to like hang out with some adults. It's kind of like a safe place too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think that's a great idea. Do you tell people when you're sad and lonely?
--:-- Elton: I tell my mom and my dad, not like just random strangers or like, like I don't tell like my uncle or someone. I tell my mom and my dad, those are like my safe keeps.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Safe keeps. I freaking love that. These are like your home bases. These are the people that you feel safe with. Your safe keeps. I love this. First I got my top five, now I got my safe keeps. Chris is definitely my safe keeps. I agree with you. I think telling someone that you're feeling sad or lonely is the single best step you can take to be happy again.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's what I'm getting from you, Elton, is that you have this amazing and unique perspective about happiness. And I want to try to just share what I'm picking up on.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Happiness comes from being with other people. You talked about spreading happiness through this intentional action and decision to be kindness with other people. You've also talked about how your friends make you happy and about how telling your mom and dad that you're sad and lonely is your first step to feeling happy again, to having those safe keeps in your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I want to thank you for highlighting that for me and for the person listening, that happiness can be like a group sport. And I know you love sports, Elton. So I know you're going to like give me permission to say happiness is a group sport. What a beautiful way to think about it. That's not just on you, that you can rely on your teammates in your life, your top five, your Mount Rushmore, your safe keeps.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what I want to zero in on is what you said about the first step to becoming happy again. Because first of all, you're not going to be happy all the time. Life is about ups and downs. There are moments when you're going to feel sad and that's perfectly normal. But I think that a lot of times when you become an adult, you put so much pressure on yourself to be happy or to be in a better mood or to snap out of it. But what you're saying is the first step in feeling happier or less alone is to recognize that you aren't feeling happy. And then it's to tell someone. Don't try to change how you're feeling. Just tell someone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you probably didn't know this, Elton, but what you're saying is proven by the research. Isn't that kind of cool? That there are so many studies that have proven that simply telling another person how you feel can make you feel better. And this goes for every one of us. I don't care how old you are, whether you're a kid who's listening right now or you're a teenager or you're in college or you're in middle age or school or you're an adult. I mean, these studies have been done on all ages that people feel better when they share their feelings. Maybe that's why I feel better when I talk to you, Elton, because you're always sharing how you feel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you for that. What do you think people should do to be happier?
--:-- Elton: To be happy, I do do this but not a lot: spend less time on your phone and scrolling and scrolling. Because what is that going to do for you? You're just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling when you could have time outside making new friends, playing, talking.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Elton, I could not agree with you more. And I also know that your mom and dad are very strict about this, but I love that you're sharing this because there's this huge movement right now around the research and what scientists and psychologists have figured out about the impact that the phone is having on kids and on teenagers. And the research is really, really scary that being on your phone too much can cause a depressed mood. It can cause a spike in anxiety. It makes you feel lonelier, not more connected. It's everything that you were just talking about.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Once again, you have this ability, Elton, to describe the experience that you're feeling as a 10-year-old that is validated by all of this science and all of this research. And beyond the science, as I sit here and I listen to you, you just know it's true. And I'm sure as you were listening to Elton, you're nodding your head too, whether you're a parent or you're the kid who's listening and you're Elton's age or a little bit older, you're like, he's right. I know he's right. And yet I scroll and I scroll and I scroll. And it's not just kids. It's for all of us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's the simple truth. If you want to be happier, get off your phone. Your life is not on your phone. Your life is lived off your phone. The people that you want to connect with are on your phone, but make plans to connect with them off your phone. Use the phone as a device to improve your life, not to escape your life and to create more loneliness and anxiety in comparison. So Elton, I love, love, love the fact that you as a 10-year-old are saying this. Like, wake up everybody. We know what's good for us. It's time to actually do what's good for us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So Elton, what do you think people should do to be happier? I know you've already just shared the fact that if you're feeling sad, you need to tell somebody and that'll make you feel a little happier. But let's just say you wake up, it's a normal day, things are going okay. What do you think people should do to be a little happier?
--:-- Elton: Well, I did this and I do this: I go to therapy. Like I actively go to therapy. And that helps a lot with my mental state and it helps a lot with being happier.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So Elton, since you mentioned the fact that you go to therapy and it really helps your mental state. And you are one of the most positive people I know. I would love to hear you share a little bit more about what you get out of therapy or why you went, like just what you're comfortable with.
--:-- Elton: I am comfortable. So I went to therapy because of that. I just didn't feel happy because like I didn't have many friends and like I was getting a little picked on and like bullied. And so I just decided to go to therapy and it really helped in my mental state and really helped me be a better person. I still go because I know it helps me be a better person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. I mean, I go to therapy. I love talking to my therapist. It's one of the reasons why I'm a better mom and I'm a better friend and I like myself more because I have somebody that I can talk to about like everything almost.
--:-- Elton: Yeah, like they're your safe person that you can just like let it all dump out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And I think it's easier for me. I don't know how you feel, but I think it's easier for me to just dump it all out with somebody that I'm not related to, you know, or that's not a friend.
--:-- Elton: Yeah, they don't know your friends, but like therapists are really trustworthy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. Therapists are kind of like if you give somebody a very dirty shirt and after like two weeks, which in therapy is like a year or something, that shirt is going to be so clean.
--:-- Elton: You're the best. You're the best.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's true. Because if you keep it all inside, if you keep bottling it up, then you're going to have so many bottles and you're just going to feel so sad because you have all of this still in you.
--:-- Elton: Yeah. Rather just taking some of it out. And like, I know you might still want to bottle things up. And like, you can bottle some stuff up, just not too much.
--:-- Elton: Like I have bottled things up and that hasn't hurt me. But when I bottled too much stuff up, that hurt me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Elton, man, I feel like going preach. Preach, Elton. And I absolutely am guilty of that. You know who's really guilty of that? Chris.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Godfather Chris is, your godfather is guilty of that. He is a bottler upper. I don't even know if that's an adjective, Elton, but I'm running with it. And I have a few things bottled up right now that I need to get out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And for you listening, I just want you to be honest with yourself. Search around inside and notice: are you bottling anything up? Is there any tension that you're holding or something that you are carrying around that you wish you could say to a friend or to somebody in your family? Some feelings that you have that you don't know how to talk about so you just bottle them up? Is there anything that you just kind of push down and you feel like, okay, well, if I just don't talk about it or I just don't think about it, maybe it'll go away?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe you've been doing it for too long and maybe it's time to let it out. Can you find a safe keep? Is there anyone on your top five or your Mount Rushmore? Or maybe like Elton did, it's time to admit to yourself, "I'm just not as happy as I want to be. I want to work on this and I want some help." And so I need to go talk to somebody like a therapist, or maybe you need to journal about it. I don't know. What could you do? This is the point I think that Elton's making. Bottling stuff up doesn't work.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Just trying to ignore it doesn't work. Elton's right. Bottling your feelings hurts you. It makes you more stressed. It makes you more angry. It makes you more sad. It makes you feel more alone because you're sitting alone with your feelings. And that's why you need to talk to somebody about them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you have something that you've been bottling up and you're tired of it, today's the day. Find your safe keep. Find your Mount Rushmores and your top fives and go talk to them. And if you've got somebody in your life that you're a little concerned that they're bottling something up, why don't you share this episode with them? With a little note that if there's anything you want to talk about, I'm your safe keep. And after you listen to this, you'll know what I mean. I love that, Elton. Thank you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It is the secret to feeling better. Just not holding it all in. So let me ask you, Elton. Do you feel better now that you're not bottling things up?
--:-- Elton: I do. And like bottling stuff up, this is a terrible comparison, but it's like eating grapes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What do you mean it's like eating grapes?
--:-- Elton: You know, if you have too many grapes, your stomach hurts.
--:-- Elton: If I'm going to have six grapes, that's okay. But if I'm going to have 20 grapes, like my stomach's going to hurt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. How do you think people should think about going to talk to a therapist or going? Because I think, you know, like when somebody is like, "You know, you should probably go to see a therapist," you're kind of like, "What am I, like a big loser?"
--:-- Elton: Yes. That's offensive. Because like, it's like, are you saying something's wrong with me? Like maybe you say like, "Hey, everything feeling all right?" And then they say no, and then you say, "Oh, maybe you should go to like therapy." Maybe I might go or something. So then you kind of like pin the blame on yourself while also pinning it on them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Great.
--:-- Elton: So it doesn't feel like, "Oh, you need to go to therapy." It's like, instead of like, how about this? What if you said, "Do you think it would help if you went to there? If you talk to somebody about how you're feeling?" And then they say, "What, like a therapist?" And then you say like, "Yeah, sure, whatever you think it'll help." And so maybe that therapist is like your mom. Maybe that therapist is like your aunt. Maybe it's your uncle. Maybe it's like your grandpa. But like you have to usually talk to somebody about your feelings to make you feel better.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Absolutely. You cannot sit with the feelings and talk to yourself. Because what's that going to do? You're not going to let them go and then they come back to you.
--:-- Elton: You got to let them go, go to somebody and then they fix it and they give it back to you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Correct. It's like that shirt analogy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the other thing is, is that since the person that you're talking to has worked with and seen and talked to so many people that have felt exactly how you felt, they actually know you can get better.
--:-- Elton: Yeah, because they have experience doing this. When you were sad and I realize that your mom's a therapist, but yeah, when they were like, "Do you want to go to therapy?" were you like, "What?" or did you were you like...
--:-- Elton: I said like, "Sure, like why not?" And like I didn't want to go the first couple of days because it was I thought it was like boring and like because all we had to do was talk about our feelings. But then I actually feel better because what we do is at least in my therapy office, we play. We have this one game that we play. We play Guess Who while talking about her feelings.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Really? Yeah. How's it work?
--:-- Elton: So we like we play some regular Guess Who. We play like, "Does this person have orange hair?" "Does this person is a man?" Like, but in between the turns, we talk about like, "So how's blank been?" or "How's school been?"
--:-- Elton: So like you kind of shove it in there with the games.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Sneaky. I like it.
--:-- Elton: Yeah. That's good.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then so as you're like chatting about something else, you all of a sudden find yourself just chatting about how you feel about school.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Super smart strategy. I love it. And I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And while you're listening to this, share this to someone who needs this. Maybe share it to like a cousin, a kid, an uncle, an aunt, anyone who you think will benefit from this. Share it with them because there is no downside to listening to this. There's a huge upside.
--:-- Elton: Exactly. Exactly.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And we'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and I'm here with my friend Elton. And we are on the Mel Robbins podcast. So Elton, is there anything else that you've learned talking to somebody who's a therapist about yourself?
--:-- Elton: Well, I didn't talk to a therapist about this, but last year I was diagnosed with dysgraphia.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, yeah. Oakley has that. That's what I was gonna say. Oakley has it. It's a language-based learning disability.
--:-- Elton: So like I have to like I can't really write as well.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Me either.
--:-- Elton: So I get to type and like voice type. And it just really helped me because at the beginning of the year in fourth grade I was like skipping class. Not because I was a bad kid, because I didn't like I couldn't learn. Not because I didn't want to, because I couldn't. Like I physically couldn't learn. So my teachers just thought I was like a bad kid. They misjudged me is what my mom said. But then at the end of the year, I got diagnosed and they were like, "Oh, so that's what's wrong with that kid."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, it's not even what's wrong. It's what's like the difference.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because there's a huge difference between "I can't learn" and "I don't want to learn."
--:-- Elton: True. Because like if you can't learn then like yes you want to learn but you like can't. Like there is no like, "Oh, I'm just not gonna listen." I'm trying to listen but like I can't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what I love about what you just said? I've never heard anybody say it that way, but you're right. "I can't learn based on how you're trying to teach me." But if you change the method of the teaching, it's easy to learn.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And do you know that Oakley went to a dysgraphic and dyslexic school, right?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And he was diagnosed in the fourth grade, just like you.
--:-- Elton: That's awesome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And did you know that I also am dyslexic?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. And I did not find out, Elton, until I was 46 years old. Imagine going through life.
--:-- Elton: Was it like really hard?
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what was really hard? I couldn't understand why things were so hard.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Like in K through third, everything was like easy enough.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That it was hard but I got through it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then in fourth grade it was like everything was so hard for everybody and so that was just like instead of a slap that was like a punch.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I couldn't like recover. And then at the end of the year I finally realized, "Oh, that's why this has been so hard for my life." Because I have this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you know, I think about it now. I was able to get through high school just fine. And then I went to a very competitive college.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Dartmouth. And I got there and it was like, "Oh God. I can't do this. I can't do this." And I would skip classes. I would just make it worse. I would pull these all-nighters. I would leave things to the last minute because I was avoiding it. And then you start to feel like there's something wrong with me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If there's something you hate, you want to do it earlier so you don't have that in your mind. But really what your brain wants you to do is stay away from it as long as possible. But then it gets stronger and stronger. And if you just deal with it right then and there, then it might take you a while and it might be really hard, but at least you did it.
--:-- Elton: Elton, I'm so proud of you. I am so proud. You are just the coolest. I feel better talking to you. I'm so proud of you. Oh, my God.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have this other question for you. If you could give one piece of advice to adults so they could have an even better relationship with their kids, what would it be?
--:-- Elton: I mean, like, for a lot of my life, my parents have been super, super nice. But there's some moments where I wish they did push me more because I know I could do it. So like encouraging your children is like a huge part. But like you really have to hit them with like the double whammy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The double whammy? What's the double whammy, Elton?
--:-- Elton: Like let's say they have like a learning difference. And it's like, "Yes, you can do whatever you want and yes you are awesome. But some people will like pick on you because of this."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Got it. So the double whammy in your mind is always, always hold out the bigger vision. Like you can do this, you can.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So like, let's say a daughter, like you can do everything that like your brother can do, let's say.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But people will talk to you a different way than they do to your brother. Like that is just part of life and do not let that bring you down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If somebody constantly beats themselves up, you know, like they're hard on themselves, were you ever like that with yourself?
--:-- Mel Robbins: What did you used to say to yourself?
--:-- Elton: "I'm not good enough. Like, I need to try harder even though this is the best I can do. Like, I need to be better. I need to be more in shape." Like, sure, yes you do, but you don't need to do that all at once. Maybe you can focus on getting the ball farther now and get in shape later. Because if you do it all at once, you're not going to be able to get any of it done.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Once again, Elton, you're amazingly smart about life. I love that. If you're trying to do everything all at once, you're not going to be able to get any of it done. I think you just explained the first 35 years of my life where I was like literally trying to do a million things at once. Like, you know, where you're trying to get out the door and I actually, this happened to me this morning, Elton. I was racing to get out the door. I'm putting my shoes on. I'm trying to finish up my makeup. I'm trying to find the leashes for the two dogs. I can't remember where my cup of coffee is. All at the same time, it's not possible. I feel like I'm giving a double whammy to myself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, you're right. You're just overwhelming yourself. You're creating chaos for yourself. And Elton, you're telling me and you're telling the person listening that kindness is key. And why not be kind to yourself and just take things one step at a time? It makes so much sense.
--:-- Elton: Slow down and enjoy what you're doing. This is a terrible comparison, but my brother is watching like six animes at once. He's not going to be able to finish a single one because he is watching like six. So if you have six animes and you're watching all of them at once, you're not going to be able to finish them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Elton, oh my God. You're right. I would never be able to watch six animes at once, but a lot of adults do this too. And I bet you're not surprised to hear that, Elton. In fact, as you're listening, if you're trying to do six things at once, you got to stop doing that. Put down the thing that can wait, finish what you're doing before you start the next thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, Elton, Chris, your godfather, has a tattoo on his arm that says "one gate." And that means that he needs to take life one gate at a time. He was a ski racer and he used to get all panic-stricken about all the gates. "Okay, how am I going to do on the race?" It's just like you're talking about. Instead of taking it one gate at a time, he was thinking about all 16 on the course. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Of all of the things that you're working on for yourself right now to be happier and to be a little bit better version of yourself, what's the one thing that you're working on that is most important to you?
--:-- Elton: Honestly, I have lied a lot in the past.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, me too.
--:-- Elton: Like, because I thought it made me cooler. It didn't. It didn't at all. So I like, I'm trying to tell people the truth more and stuff. And I'm trying to correct what I've done wrong in the past.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think that is so brave and really inspiring.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have a question for you. What advice would you give, let's say to Kendall, who's launching her singer-songwriter career, and she'll put out a song and it does really well, and then she puts out a song and it doesn't do as well, and then she puts out another song and it does really well and it's the ups and downs. Like, what would you say?
--:-- Elton: If you have an up and then you have a down, you know that you can do ups. Because, like, if you've done it before, you can do it again. Like, that's what I say to myself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That is absolutely genius. You know that you can do ups. What incredible advice. So if I hear what you're saying, right, if you have a situation where you're trying something hard, you can't always be where you want to be. Don't focus on the downs. Focus on the ups. Life is full of ups and downs. And so when you're in a down, don't focus there. Focus on the ups. You're never stuck in the down. Dang it, Elton, you are so good.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, don't you need to take a break for your sponsors? Shouldn't we be like doing that?
--:-- Elton: Did you know what I just said, Elton?
--:-- Mel Robbins: But yes, you're right. We probably should. Let's do it. Welcome back to the Mel Robbins podcast where everything seems better. That is my friend Elton. And this is your friend Mel. And today you and I are just, I'm just having such a good time. I'm so glad you're here with me and Elton. We've just been talking about the simple truth about life. What makes you truly happy? Which is your friends. Why it's important to talk to someone about your feeling. Why kindness matters so much in life. And why trying hard and knowing when to walk away is important.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're talking about the ups, your top five, your safe keeps. I mean, Elton, you just keep hitting one hit after another. I want to take this one step further and say that even if someone else has done it right, that's proof that you can do it too. I don't know the research about this, but I remember there's this famous story about how nobody had ever broken the four minute mile. And the second somebody did it, literally somebody else broke their record and did a sub four mile, like, I don't even know if it was weeks or months. But if someone else is doing it, it's proof you can do it too. Their up can become your up. Don't let their up become your down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If somebody else is doing that van lifestyle thing in South America or wherever, you can do it too. If someone else is creating a better relationship with their mom, you can do it too. If somebody else can get a job, you can do it too. You can write a resume. You can move out of your parents' basement. You can do better in fifth grade. You can be successful with dyslexia. If someone else in the world has had an up and you want that up, make it your up too. Do not make someone else's up your down. They are literally clearing the way.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I freaking love that. And I'm going to use your double whammy advice here. You can do any of these things as long as you are willing to work hard for the results that you want. And focusing on the ups, yours and other people's ups, that is such amazing advice. Elton, we're on a roll. I got another question. What have you learned recently that you wish everyone would know?
--:-- Elton: Life isn't fair.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, hit me in the chest, Elton. It is so true. Say more about that.
--:-- Elton: I mean, because if life was fair, everybody would have the same birthday. Everybody would be the same age, would die at the same time. Everything would be the same.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's right.
--:-- Elton: And that isn't fun, is it? Because then if you walk up to a person and you say, what do you like? I mean, sure, they'll like all the same things that you do, but you need differences to be friends. You need to draw in something new.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So how do you deal with those moments? Because it's right, life isn't fair and it's kind of a waste of your time or anybody's time to spend any energy getting upset about how unfair life is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So how do you deal with those moments though, when your brother gets something and you don't, or when someone else seems to have it easier and you struggle with dysgraphia, or somebody has more money than you do, or they're better at baseball than you are? How do you deal with those things that are unfair?
--:-- Elton: It's part of life. And you can't do—I mean, yes, you can practice baseball, but I can't unpractice dysgraphia. I can't just say, "You're out." I can't do that. So I have to kind of just deal with it and practice and practice and practice.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Tell me more about that. Because you just mentioned trying hard and practicing. Because I know you, Elton. I know that you are somebody who tries really hard. So can you talk a little bit more about what trying and practicing looks like and does for you?
--:-- Elton: I have to try. That's part of my lifestyle. I try my hardest and sometimes I'm not good enough and that is fine. And maybe if I keep trying, I will be better. And then if I keep trying and I'm not good enough, then that's just kind of like, oh well, I can't do this and that's fine.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what, Elton? I'm going to steal something else from you. You ready? "Trying is part of my lifestyle." I think we all need to have that lifestyle that you have to try because it's in the trying that you learn. It's in the trying that you grow. It's in the trying that you actually discover who you are. It's in the trying that you reach your ups. It's in the trying that you get out of your downs, dude. Oh my gosh, I absolutely love this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So tell me more about what you mean and how trying and practicing works in real life for you, particularly because I know so many kids your age and a little bit older are going to be watching this on YouTube and also listening to you right now. So what does it look like for you to try and practice in real life?
--:-- Elton: I cannot make a three pointer to save my life. That is just not me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So like, do you think if you kept practicing, eventually you'd be able to do it?
--:-- Elton: Yes. But right now I cannot make a three pointer to save my life. And I know I'm saying I try, I try, but I've never wanted to be a three-point shooter. People are like, "Oh, I want to be like Steph Curry. Oh, I want to..." I'm not aiming for the really high. I'm aiming for what's good enough. Because if people were going to go for the really high road, yes, you probably can do it. Yes, it will be a lot harder. But if that's a lot harder, you're more likely to give up.
--:-- Elton: Because if you keep doing it and it's so hard, then you're just going to eventually decide to just give up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That makes a lot of sense. And you are also pointing out something that is very subtle that a lot of us miss. I personally believe, Elton, that just about anything is possible if you are willing to work long enough to make it happen. But what you're saying is that you recognize that there comes a point where you decide, "This just isn't worth the work to me. I thought I wanted to be a three-point shooter. I don't. It's not actually that important to me."
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, I did this with guitar. For years, I said to myself, "I would love to play guitar." I have picked up a guitar probably a hundred times in my life and I have tried to learn and it lasts about an hour. And then I say, "This is too hard." And I actually don't care enough about this up to put in the work. But here's what I do know. If I cared enough and I was willing to work long enough, I know that I could be good at guitar and I know that you could make three point shots.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You're talking about something so important and I want to make sure as you're listening to this, you understand this. Anything in life that you want to achieve, you can probably achieve it through practice, through trying and through hard work, but it's going to take a lot of time. And at some point, you're going to reach a point where you're going to say like Elton did, "Am I willing to put in the work or not?" And knowing when to say no is one of the most important things in life. Knowing when to walk off the court and say, "This just isn't meant for me." Knowing when to put the guitar down and go, "I'm just not willing to put in the work. I just don't want to." Because if you don't want to and it's not in your heart, you're not going to.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So again, back to your original kind of theme here about happiness being kind to yourself and being honest with yourself and knowing when to walk off the court. Great job, Elton. Great job.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One topic I want to go into just a little bit deeper. I'm not quite done with this, Elton, is this topic of trying. You know, it's almost like a version of your double whammy advice. There's some good advice in here. There's some bad advice in here. You're basically saying is if you want to be Steph Curry and you want to just drop the three pointers all day long, the good news is you can do it. If you want to spend 10,000 hours working on your three-point shot.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you want to be the best in the world, if you never stop, eventually you will do it.
--:-- Elton: You will do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But for most of us, if you aim too high, you quit too soon. So Elton, your philosophy is shoot for good enough. And again, I love this. "My lifestyle is to try." Will you just expand on that? What do you mean?
--:-- Elton: I try never to not try. I always try to try.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Why is trying important?
--:-- Elton: Because some people, if they really don't want to do something, they don't try. But even if I don't want to do something, I still try to do it and see, "Oh, I'm actually good at this." And then maybe if I'm good at it, I'll like it. But if I really suck at basketball, I wouldn't like it because I'm terrible at it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, you know, I think that's an interesting thing that most adults don't realize about video games, that a lot of kids and people play them because you're good at them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And we naturally like doing the things that we're good at.
--:-- Elton: Yeah. There's usually a job for almost everything. Like there's a job for video games. There is a job for coding. There's a job for this. There's a job for making these cups. There's a job for ironing. And I know there isn't a job for closing curtains. But there is a job for almost everything. So if you're really good at something, if you want to do it, I would try at least try to pursue that. And if you're not the best at this thing but you can do it, try to pursue that. And then you keep trying and then you get really good at it. And then if that doesn't work out, take a thing that you're lesser good at and keep doing that cycle. And finally you get to something you're terrible at. Keep trying and trying and now you have the momentum to say, "I can do this."
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what, Elton? You just described my career. I literally started my career as a lawyer. That's what I used to do. And then I changed because I didn't like that. And I went and I worked in the startup business. And then I didn't like that. And I went and did something else. And then I didn't like that. And I went and did something else. And like 19 job changes later, I combined them all. And now I host this podcast.
--:-- Elton: That's awesome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: For somebody that's listening, because this show is in 194 countries, and there's so many.
--:-- Elton: I know. That's a lot. That's a lot of countries.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And there's so many people that listen to this show and then send episodes to people that they love.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What is one thing that you wish adults understood better about kids?
--:-- Elton: They have a mind of their own. Don't try to correct them all the time. Yes, if they're really wrong and it's going to impact them later, yes, you can correct them. But if they're saying "spoon" instead of "tune," you don't have to correct them immediately. You can just correct them when somebody's going to notice.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Got it. So like, if they're mixing up their words or something.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you think adults sometimes forget the important things in life?
--:-- Elton: Oh, totally. It's just because you have kids and just because you need to take care of them all the time doesn't mean you can't have fun yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Did you hear that? Did you hear that? And if you're one of the kids listening, could you please remind the adults in their life that they need to have fun too? Do you hear that, mom and dad? It's your night out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what I think is so brilliant about that advice? They're watching you. Your kids are watching you and they're learning from you and they want you to be having fun. They want to see you happy. It's a gift that you can give to them to be laughing, to be putting yourself first, to be prioritizing fun because how else are they going to learn that you're supposed to do that when you're an adult?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so Elton, I love that you just gave every adult listening the best reason why we should have fun because it makes your kids happy. It makes the people who love you happy. But you also bring up another really good point. You need to have fun so your kids can learn that having fun is a part of life too, no matter what age you are. It just makes total sense.
--:-- Elton: Because I see all these parents spending all their time with their kids. Maybe get your kids—because you've done so much for them, they got to do something for you, or you got to do something for yourself. Because otherwise you're just going to be there with your kids, not happy, and then that's going to make them not happy. So you need to have more fun. You got to have more fun as an adult. Because I know you may think that's like a teenager or kiddie thing. No, it isn't. Having fun is part of life. Anything that you think is fun will help you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Tell me, Elton, what do kids say they hate that their parents do? What do you guys secretly complain about to one another when we adults aren't around?
--:-- Elton: My mom's always trying to control me. My dad's always trying to control me. Because they try to set you up for a path to success. And yes, that is nice, but you should let them choose what their path to success is. You don't have to say, "Oh, you're gonna play basketball. Oh, you're gonna be a mathematician." They can choose. What if they want to be a dentist? That is not basketball, that is not math, that is dentist. Let them choose what they want to do and then you can help.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I agree. Because I believe the best form of success is being happy in your life.
--:-- Elton: Exactly. Because who doesn't want to be happy? If you think about it, you don't want to be sad. At my camp, they don't say, "Treat others how you want to be treated." They say, "Treat others how they want to be treated." If you love to be tickled, but you don't like to be tickled—
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly. Do you like to be tickled?
--:-- Elton: No. If my mom loves to be tickled, she wouldn't tickle me because treat others how they want to be treated.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I love that. That's true because we assume how we want to be treated is how they want to be treated. But no, that's bogus.
--:-- Elton: And I treat others how they want to be treated.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You also were talking last night at dinner with your mom about the pizza strategy. What is the pizza strategy? What is that?
--:-- Elton: So if let's say I'm in a group chat and somebody starts talking about Ashley. They're saying mean things about Ashley. The pizza strategy is like training a baby. If they're looking at something they shouldn't, you literally just go, "Hey, look at that light!" or "Look at that!" But in this case, "Where are we going for pizza tomorrow?" And then they start talking about pizza. They forget about Ashley. They start talking about pizza. And you can do that with anything.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So the pizza strategy is a technique that you can use if you've got a bunch of people that are gossiping, or they're saying bad things about somebody, or they're trashing somebody in a group chat. Instead of jumping in and saying, "No, that's not right," because nobody actually wants to do that, right? It just doesn't feel good because those are your friends and if you say that, you kind of think that they're gonna ditch you because you're being like a goody two-shoes or something.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it's true because we all know that when people are gossiping about someone else, you should stand up. You should stand up for them. But a lot of us don't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so the pizza strategy is basically doing it without actually doing it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So you change the topic.
--:-- Elton: You change the topic. And then everybody just follows you because you say, "Hey, what are we doing this weekend?" Or you just don't even respond to the comment about Ashley.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly. You just kind of distract them. Genius.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Complete genius, Elton. And by the way, this is not just something that kids need to know how to do. And the other thing that I love that you said, Elton, is that if you feel like you cannot stand up for someone, change the topic, stop the gossip, or tell someone else. Thank you for that reminder.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have a question for you. One of the biggest questions I get from people around the world is they write in and say, "I'm really stuck in my life and I actually don't know what I should do with my life." What my dad has told me, at least, is I didn't find my passion until I was like 40. It is out there. What do you mean by "it's out there"? Because I think you're right. Do you believe everybody has something? There's something that they can do.
--:-- Elton: Everybody has something. Bees pollinate plants. Lions eat stuff and that helps animals from overpopulating. Everything has their part. Yes. And that is how it is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What is one thing that you would want them to start doing? If I take your philosophies right, and I especially love the "good enough" and the "trying," what would you recommend somebody do today to take one step forward toward figuring out what that thing that's their thing could be?
--:-- Elton: Listen to Mel Robbins podcast. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But go outside and meet some new people. Because those people could be your people. They could introduce you to something that you love. They could introduce you to your future job, your future wife, your future husband. It could be anything basically.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So basically get out of your comfort zone?
--:-- Elton: Go out of your comfort zone to do something.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What kind of world do you hope to help create, Elton?
--:-- Elton: I hope to create a kinder world. Because you can't just be kind. You have to actually feel kind. I helped a grandma over a little puddle by building a bridge of sand. That made me feel kind. If you just let the grandma step in the puddle, what are you? You don't gain anything from that. That grandma now just has wet socks. And nobody likes wet socks. So imagine you're that grandma too. Would you want someone to be right there, could have helped you but didn't?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly. It's powerful.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Kindness is so powerful. Is there anything else you want to share as your parting words?
--:-- Elton: Be kind and don't let anyone stop you. And we love you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's right. In case no one else tells you, but somebody just did and his name is Elton, I wanted to tell you that I love you and we believe in you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And we believe in your ability to create a better life. We do. Now go do it. Talk to you in a few days.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You've been asking for a while now, hinting about maybe being on the podcast. How come you wanted to be on the podcast?
--:-- Elton: Well, because I enjoy talking. And I feel like a podcast would just be really fun. And so now I'm on a podcast and it is really fun. This is just hopefully going to be really fun. And middle school is a lot to talk about.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, is that what you want to talk about?
--:-- Elton: Whatever your questions are, I'll answer them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're recording, which is really cool. Let me just hear that thing to make sure it sounds okay.
--:-- Elton: Should I just talk?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, you can talk while I'm doing this.
--:-- Elton: Well, somehow Mel has let me on the podcast, and this is going to be hopefully awesome. So, well, it's going to be awesome because Mel's here, so like—
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, we did it. High five. Amazing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
