May 4, 2023

How to Make Hard Choices: Practical Tips for When Sh*t Gets Real

00:41:54

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

The podcast episode features Mel Robbins, a New York Times bestselling author and expert on habits, motivation, and behavior change, coaching a woman named Katrina through a difficult decision-making process after a breakup. The main topic of the episode is helping Katrina decide whether to stay in her hometown of Indianapolis or move to a new state that aligns with her values and goals.

Key Points:

Mel emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between the right decision and fear of making that decision.
She teaches Katrina to listen to her heart and intuition, rather than her analytical brain, to make decisions.
Mel helps Katrina identify the signs that her ex was not a good partner and that the breakup was a blessing in disguise.
The two discuss the importance of closure and letting go of the past.
Mel coaches Katrina on how to rehearse what she will say if she bumps into her ex, empowering her to take control of the situation.
The episode explores the concept of "if it's not love, it's a lesson," and how Katrina can learn from her experience.
Mel emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and taking responsibility for one's actions.
The episode concludes with Mel sharing 10 takeaways from the coaching session, including the importance of moving toward something positive, letting go of the past, and trusting one's intuition.

About this Show

The Mel Robbins Podcast

You can change your life and Mel Robbins will show you how. The Mel Robbins Podcast is the #1 podcast on the globe for a reason: Mel’s simple, research-backed advice has changed millions of people’s lives, and in every episode, she’s giving you all her hard-fought secrets, science-backed tools, and deeply personal stories, so you can change yours too. If you’re a new listener, you’re in the right place. Every episode will empower you to create a better life and help you take a step toward the life you want. Want more? Follow along at @melrobbins Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Mel Robbins Podcast ad-free. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Recommended Episodes

What does Kyrsten Sinema want?

Move toward something positive, rather than running away from something.
Close the door on the past and move forward.
Don't let fear hold you back from making decisions.
If someone doesn't want you, you shouldn't want them.
There are always signs that you ignored, and owning those signs can strengthen your intuition.
If it's not love, it's a lesson.
Rehearse what you will say if you bump into someone who has hurt you.
You don't need another person to feel complete.
A change in behavior is the best apology.
Regret the things you didn't do, not the things you did.

Show Notes

Oh…sometimes life is a real doozy.

You make all these plans, and boom. You step right into a pile of you-know-what. And then you realize that pile was there all along—you just missed it.

Which brings us to the topic of today’s episode: making hard decisions and moving on from hard relationships.

How do you move forward when…

You feel so torn about what to do.

You don’t trust yourself.

You’re scared to make the wrong decision.

What’s best for you will impact the people you love.

How do you decide your next big move when everything you worked for evaporates before your eyes?

How do you stop thinking about your ex, especially when you might bump into them at any moment?

I’ll tell you how.

Pull up a seat and join me because you are going to love the listener, Katrina, who I’m coaching today. Her question was, "Should I stay or should I go?"

By the end of this episode, you’ll not only have the answer to whatever question YOU are grappling with, but you'll also have so many decision-making tools in your back pocket that you’re going to need more pockets.

Today, you’re getting strategies to help you

Live your life with no regrets.
Keep your cool when you see your ex.
Bounce back after rejection.
Stop feeling guilty about following your dreams.
Make courageous decisions.

The biggest takeaway? Knowing the difference between what’s right for you and the fear that’s keeping you from it

When something is right, even if it’s scary as hell to go for it, you’ll only ever regret not having tried.

Xo Mel

PS - If you’re looking to ditch your insecurities for a powerful way to launch forward on your dreams, I’ve got just the thing for you. Sign up for my FREE Take Control mini course here.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

2:20: Ever been dumped? Then you’ll relate to what Katrina is going through.
4:00: The kind of decisions that change your life don’t happen in your brain.
6:30: When you have a big decision to make, ask yourself this question.
8:15: Holding yourself back because you feel guilty? Listen to this.
11:00: The single biggest quality you want in any partner? It’s always this.
14:00: There are always red flags before a breakup, whether you saw them or not.
16:15: You deserve nothing less than these qualities from your partner.
19:00: Try role playing with a friend to help you get the closure you crave.
23:45: Use this strategy to help you make a weighty decision.
27:40: Takeaway #1: Stop running away. Think of it this way instead.
30:15: Takeaway #2: If you want closure, you have to do these two things.
30:30: Takeaway #3: If you’re going to hold yourself back, own it. Don’t blame others.
31:00: Takeaway #4: You’re making it much harder in your head.
32:00: Takeaway #5: As soon as somebody doesn’t want you, they’re not your person.
33:30: Takeaway #6: Please stop doing this after a breakup.
35:00: Takeaway #7: If it’s not love, it’s a lesson.
35:30: Takeaway #8: Don’t be caught off guard by preparing ahead of time.
37:00: Takeaway #9: You don’t need someone else to feel complete.
38:00: Takeaway #10: Don’t let your fears hold you back.

Disclaimer

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Transcript

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Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's go. I am really looking forward to our conversation today. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author. I'm also one of the world's leading experts on habits and motivation and behavior change. And I invite you today to pull up a seat and listen in as I give some advice and coaching to a woman named Katrina, who wrote in because in the wake of a breakup, she has a very big decision to make. You're going to love her, by the way. She's smart and she is a go-getter, but she's really stuck right now. And this coaching session is going to give me the opportunity to teach you two just critical truths about life. Number one, you have to know the difference between the right decision and being afraid of the right decision. And the second truth about life is that how you feel about somebody is very different than how they make you feel. And how they make you feel is where you have to put all the weight when you're making really hard decisions. And by the very end of this coaching session with Katrina, you are going to learn an absolutely incredible tool. This is a tool that will help you make courageous decisions. Because isn't it true that so often the decision that you know is right, the one that deep down in your heart you know is the best and truest decision for you, it's also the one that scares the hell out of you. All right. Do we have Katrina here? Oh, great. Hi, Katrina. Hello. Hi, Mel. How are you doing? I'm doing great. So why don't we start by having you share the question that you originally sent in to me with everybody that's listening? Yes, absolutely. In July 2022, just days before my 25th birthday and last year of law school, my boyfriend of five years dumped me. To say that this was out of nowhere would be an understatement. But looking back, I am sure there were signs that the end was coming. My future crumbled right before my eyes. I was numb for the first three to four months. I've done a lot of work since then. I need your help on what to do next. The state I live in has been my home all my life, and as far as I know, it's where my ex still resides. I'm unsure if it's the breakup, the last year of law school ending, or the fact that I truly have nothing tying me down here anymore, but this place no longer feels warm to me. Most of my friends are engaged and beginning to start their lives in a chapter I can no longer relate to. I'm thinking of moving to a state that has everything I love. However, a part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex become slimmer. A brilliant and well-experienced woman once said, one decision can change the trajectory of your life forever. So I hope you can help me figure out what decision to make, or at least ways to make this grueling decision. Thanks, Mel. Okay. So I think that this is a very short coaching session. Okay. Because I think you know the decision. Uh, yeah, I think I do too. So when you just kind of went, uh, I want to tell you something about decisions. Since you've just graduated from law school, you're very analytical, but the kind of decisions that change your life are not made in that analytical brain. Do you know where in your body you can feel what the decision is? Yeah, I think it's my heart. I think um I mean there's definitely a part of me I left out a few things there. His parents have a love story that they ended up back together after they broke up and after they had separate lives. So I think subconsciously, I'm hoping that that's the case. But I know my time here. I live in Indianapolis. I think my time here has come to an end just because I don't want to be living in a place where I'm worried I'm going to bump into him or worried I'd see him on a date with someone else. Like that's not a life I want to live. And that's not something I want to have in the back of my mind everywhere I go. Yep. I think there's a bigger reason that has nothing to do with him. I want you to tell me why you want to move. I mean, fuck him for a minute. Like what, Why do you want to go somewhere else? Yeah, there are many reasons. I've lived in Indiana my entire life. And I think this breakup has shown me so many things. But one thing is that you have one life to live. And I just don't think I'm supposed to live here for my entire life. And it's something that's deep in me. And it was deep in me before we broke up. I thought about moving. I wanted to move. So it's just, it's only accelerated it, but I have parent guilt because they live here and they don't intend on moving anywhere. But maybe if I can show them that it's possible, you can do it, you can start over somewhere new, that maybe it'll give them the confidence to do so. So I agree with you. There are reasons that are more personal than just him. And that I know from my own self-growth, it's a necessary next step. Yeah, I think you wanna make the decision not only from your heart, and I'll coach you through how to make the decision and how to read the energy of your heart, but you can make this decision either because you want to move away from something or because you feel called to something. I think it's 60% being called somewhere else, 40% of me feeling that I need to move away because it's I mean we spent five years here, we were very active people everywhere, and I like to go on hikes, and now every time I go on hikes, I think about where we've been. Indy's not that big of a city to escape from all the memories. And it's just, it's been really hard to think that I can create new memories with someone else or myself without those things coming in the foreground. Yep. It's possible for sure. Yeah. So you said a couple things to me. One is I felt called deep down even before we broke up. And that this is something that I've wanted to do. And I will tell you, you will always regret not doing it. And the other thing I'm going to tell you is you can always come back. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's been my main thing is I know I can always come back. I've made enough of a network here. And I know there are plenty of people in my corner that are here that would, I could rely on it. God forbid something was to go awry in the state that I have, I've chosen. So I, I, yeah, I do want to bet on myself. It's just that feels a little guilty towards my parents. Hold on a second. Your parents are grown-ass adults. Yes, they are. And they can move. They can get on an airplane. They can FaceTime you. They want you to be happy. They want you to pursue your dreams. There is nothing I would hate more than to have my kids tell me that they gave up on something they wanted to do because they felt guilty about me. After all the shit I've done to support them, they're not going to saddle their coward-ass chicken-shit decisions on me? Yeah. That resonates deeply. I know you're right. I know. I don't know what part of me that somewhat believes that I can't go somewhere without disappointing them. But I know that you're right, that deep down that they want the best for me. They want me to be happy. Here's what you can do. You can actually go to your parents and say, I need to do this for myself. And the only thing holding me back is my fear about you guys being upset with me. So can I ask for your support in doing something that I desperately need to do for my own growth? And I promise I can always come back. Yeah, I think I need that reassurance for sure. Well, you can ask for it. Whether they give it to you or not is a whole other thing. I don't know your parents. I don't know if they're going to be emotionally immature about it, but I suspect they've seen you suffer and they've seen you sad and they want you to be happy. And if you tell them this is what you think you need to take this risk, to do this thing, then you need to do it. Living with regret is the worst thing in the world. I need you to accept that he broke up with you and you haven't. Yeah, I feel like I haven't had time. That's bullshit. Because all you do is think about this. It's gotten a lot better. I mean, I've been able to I told myself I would be on a hiatus until I take the bar in July from men, like talking to men. And I've gotten over that. I've allowed myself to live and like freely talk to adult males who I find interesting or attractive. And I've been using the five-second rule, and it's worked wonders. It's just, I don't know, there is a part of me that is hanging on to this little piece of hope that because he was the person that I mean, everything I wanted in a person was that was him, except the fact that he didn't want me. So, well, that's the single biggest thing that you need. Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? Yeah, you don't. But you do because you think if you can win him back, it means something. What does it mean if he comes back? He regrets his decision. But what does it mean about you? Oh, probably not anything commendable. I mean, you take in someone that second-guessed your worth and their perception of you as what you meant to them in your life and how I wasn't enough. There's a part of your value and worth that you have handed to him. Yeah. Yeah, and him coming back and wanting to be with you is what you think is going to give you that piece of self-worth back. That's why you're holding on to it. Because you think there's something wrong with you or missing from you or deficient and only he can give it back to you. Yeah, we haven't even spoken since. Good. Since July. I haven't seen him. There's nothing to say. He said everything when he broke up with you without warning. Yeah. And I also think you need to look back at the relationship, if you're going to, with a much more critical eye. Because there were signs. There were always signs. Yeah, there were absolutely signs. I'm proud of you for admitting that there were signs. And I want to dig into those signs after a quick break from our sponsors. Stay with us, everybody, because that's where we're going next. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. And today we're talking about two truths about life. And I've got Katrina here with us who just went through an excruciating breakup. And we're talking about the fact that there are always signs. So Katrina, what were the signs? Well, one, two years into our relationship, he cheated on me. Okay, there's a sign. That's a sign. Uh, two about three weeks before he broke up with me um he's Mormon and I'm Christian and um he had some Mormon people over and we got in a big fight essentially and I saw him look at me differently in that time. And then on our 4th of July weekend, when he broke up with me, he was very distant. Also, all of our mutual friends broke up. So every guy in our group all broke up with their girlfriends two weeks prior. And then I was next. I was the next target to be hit. Or captive to be released. Yeah, that too. So you need to change your story. He was not everything you thought you wanted. He was somebody that cheated on you that you forgave, who then started to ice you out because he felt the pressure from LDS leaders, which he's allowed to do. And he did it in a really chicken-shit, mean, disrespectful way. Had he sat down with you and explained from his heart the pressure he feels, how much he cares about you, how much this time is meant, but he just can't get past the religion, blah, but if he had done that, we wouldn't be here. But see why you feel pissed. And I'd like you to get into the anger instead of the sappy, doopy, oh, but do you be dead? Should I move? Should I not? Fuck him. You got to get into that mode of, I was fucking disrespected by this son of a bitch. How fucking dare he? What a chicken shit, piece of shit. What? I was dating a boy. Yeah, no, absolutely. Not emotionally intelligent. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Come on. What else? Oh man, it's so hard. No, it ain't. It's only hard because you've been telling yourself a different story and the story that you need to tell yourself is this one. When it's not love, it's a lesson. And the lesson that he taught me is I want an actual man. I want somebody who talks about his feelings. I want somebody who is upfront with me when something's not working. I want somebody who respects me enough to have the hard, enough to have the hard conversations. And I also learned that I am a fucking lawyer. And if I can get my ass through law school, I am an adult who wants an adult relationship with an equal. And I was dating a child and I was making excuses for him and I'm not fucking doing that again. How about that story? I like that story. I say it with love. That story I think I'm going to keep in my back pocket. Yeah. Here's one other thing I want to say to you. We got to come up with your plan B when you bump into him, because I have a feeling that literally within the next 48 hours, you are going to bump into him. I do too. I know I've had this feeling for a while. Okay. So what are you going to do? I don't know. I've just thought about saying hi. And I mean, I'm in a much better headspace now, like the amount of relationships that I've fostered and the amount of people that I've met since then that I never would have met and their stories I never would have heard. Like it's given me a new light. It's given me a new reason to live in a new pursuit. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how loyal I am as a friend and how many people I have in my corner. It's just so I want to exert that kind of energy when I see him. Great. If I was too. Great. Yeah. Okay. If he asked me how I'm doing, I want to say I'm doing great because I am. Okay, great. But there's still that little piece. Yes. And I want to turn that piece into something powerful for you. And it's the truth. The reason why you can't let this go is because of how he handled it. Yeah. Because you are a person of principle and you deserved to be treated differently. This is not about the breakup. This is not about what happened. It's about the how. Yeah. And so the way that we're going to do this, because we're going to role-play, is I want you to put on your lawyer hat. Okay. Okay. Having this rehearsed will help you not get triggered. Because when you see the person, it will be a little bit like, oh my God. So expect a little bit of the wave, like, oh shit, shit, shit. And then you're going to take a deep breath and you're going to walk right up to him. Do not look away. Do not worry if he's with somebody even better. You're going to walk right up and you're going to say, hey, I had a feeling I was going to bump into you. It's actually really great to see you because I'm moving. Something I've always wanted to do. And I wanted to thank you. Thank you for ending it. Because I probably would be making different decisions if I were still putting you first. But I do want to tell you the way you handled it was really awful. And I deserve better. And now I feel better that I told you. Yeah, that's, that's tough. All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. I'm him. I'm like walking and I see you and I'm like, okay. Hey, Nick. Hi. It's great to see you. Yeah, it's good. I had a feeling I was gonna bump into you recently. I mean, it's been a long time since I've seen you. Yeah, you look great. You look really great. How you doing? Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate it. I just wanted to let you know I'm actually, I'm moving soon. And I truly wanted to thank you for, for allowing me and giving me this time to. Nope. Okay. No, I want to thank you for ending it. For ending it. Okay. Because I wouldn't have. Yeah, I would not. And it needed to end. And I'm happy it ended. But I do have to tell you, the way you handled it, not cool. Not cool at all. I deserve better. And I hope you treat women better in the future. See you later. All right here we go again I Nick Okay here we go Oh hey Nick Oh hi Hey Wow How it going Everything's great. Everything's really great. I had a feeling I'd bump into you. That's really odd, but I just wanted to let you know. I wanted to thank you, actually, for ending what we had. Really? I, yes, I recently made the decision to move. Oh, wow. And I would not have made this decision had we stayed together. And it's after great reflection, it's been truly the biggest blessing. The way in which it was done was not acceptable. And I hope that you can do better for the women that are in your life, in your future. Thank you. Goodbye. Case dismissed, man. He's convicted. You're the winner. That was incredible. How do you feel? It feels empowering and it feels honest. Yeah. Yeah. That, that last word is it because like a lot of that gotcha and I'm just going to say that thing where I pretend to look that doesn't work, but you're being honest because it's the justice piece of this that hooked you. That that's what has kept you attached to this, that it wasn't right. And when you distinguish the relationship ending from the how it ended, it gives you your power back to go, wait a minute, I was mistreated here. I need to say something. This fucking coward did this and then slinked off into the sunset? I don't think so. Right. And I also love that you can see the difference between making a decision because you're weak and you don't want to bump into this loser on a hiking trail? Give me a fucking break. Yeah, I know. He should be, he should be, he's probably not hiking anywhere because he's scared to bump into you. Possibly. Definitely. Definitely. Even if he has somebody new, he's going to be scared to bump into you because he also knows He was a coward and he disrespected you the way he did this. You know that you are now making a decision to move toward your power and toward your growth. I think you are going to find something in this move that you didn't even know you were seeking. And I am so excited for you. And I want to leave you with a tool. The way that you make a decision in the future that, you know, is kind of one of these big weighty ones is you just kind of close your eyes. And I want you to think about the two options. Do I stay in Indianapolis or do I move to this new place that I've always wanted to live? The decision that aligns and is true for you is the one that is going to feel more expansive. Something inside you opens up. Doesn't mean it's an easy decision. Doesn't mean that there aren't things you're concerned about, but that it's going to create growth. That there's something exciting, even if it's scary about that decision, that there's some expansive energy to it. And that's how you can feel in your heart and in your gut that that is a decision that's aligned with who you are and where you're meant to go. If you are making a decision and you feel yourself shrink a little, you feel the energy go down, you feel kind of instead of the expansion like this kind of contraction of energy, that's a no. It's a no. And that's why I opened up our conversation by saying, I think this is going to be a short conversation because you already know. And one other piece of advice I'm going to give you is this. When making decisions in life, always use your heart to know what the truth is for you. And that's why I knew immediately, oh, she knows she's moving. This is like not even a question. She's already knows what. You'll use your brain and you've got this beautiful analytical lawyer brain that's going to help you figure out that okay when am I doing it how's it going to happen like okay awesome I'm so proud of you I wish I could give you a big fucking hug or we could go out and have a drink together now I wish this was in person I would get give you the biggest hug too I just, I'm so, this feels honestly so surreal. I have been meaning to email you for approximately six months. And it wasn't until I finished the audible book of the five-second rule this weekend. And that I said five, four, three, two, one, and I fucking sent it. So boom, see, you did it when you were ready. And I'm really proud of you. You're going to do really big things in life. I know it. I know it. And you are going to be shocked about the relationships that are coming in the future because you are stepping into your power. So you're in a totally different place, which means the person that steps into your life, friends or romantic, whatever, are going to amplify you. Which is incredible. I'm really proud of you. Go get them. Thank you so much. You're welcome, darling. Oh, don't you just love her? I am so rooting for her. And you know who else I'm rooting for? I'm rooting for you. And believe it or not, in those 25 minutes, I packed in about 10 incredible takeaways. And I want to make sure that I highlight those for you so that you've got all 10 of them, because we packed a ton into that coaching conversation. So let's hit pause real quick for a word from our sponsors. When we come back, I'm going to go one through 10 and summarize everything that you just learned so that you can apply it to your life too. Stay with us. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I promised that I would unpack all of the takeaways, and that's what we're going to do right now. Believe it or not, there are 10 extremely valuable takeaways that we packed into those 25 minutes of coaching with Katrina. So let's walk through them right now. Number one, it is so powerful in life when you are running toward something, okay? Stop running away from things. And I realize you may be running away from a job you hate right now or running away from your problems or running away from an ex. That's not a powerful way to frame it. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about if you're moving away from a relationship or a place or a job, what are you moving toward? Let's frame it in the positive. Katrina is moving for growth. She's moving for freedom. She's moving for a new beginning. She's moving for confidence. See how different that is from I got to get away from my ex. There's no power in that. You just gave it to your ex. And so takeaway number one in life, I want you to flip your narrative so that you're always describing what you're moving toward. And, you know, Katrina was honest about this. Just listen to this clip from her. Remember when she said this? It's 60% being called somewhere else, 40% of me feeling that I need to move away. And the truth is, you will feel a bit of a tug of war because fear is involved there. And that's why you need this takeaway. Always flip the narrative about what you're doing is moving towards something powerful. Okay, second takeaway. Let's talk about closure. If you're still holding on to the handle on the door, you haven't fully closed it. OK, when you're going to close the door on a relationship or a chapter in your life, you cannot be holding on to the handle. That's what Katrina was doing. Remember when she said this? A part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex become slimmer. Now, I applaud her honesty. But to truly close the door, you have to let go of the handle. And then you have to turn and walk toward something else. So whatever it is that you're holding on to, whether it's this slim sliver of hope that things could be different, whether it's beating yourself up, whether it's rumination, you have to let go. And you also need to move away from that door and start walking toward something new. That is what it means to truly have closure. Takeaway number three, if you're going to hold yourself back and play a really small game in life, you give up the right to blame other people for that. Let me unpack this for you. Remember when Katrina said this about her parents? I do want to bet on myself. It's just that feels a little guilty towards my parents. And I was like, whoa, wait a minute. You don't get to bet on yourself and then be like, but my parents, I feel guilty. That is so wrong. If you're going to hold yourself back, own it. I'm too scared to move. Do not saddle your parents or your friends or anybody else with this guilt stuff. It's complete baloney. All right. So be very clear when you're holding yourself back that you're the one doing it to yourself. The fourth takeaway, don't even get me started on this because it makes me so frustrated. How many times have you been afraid to disappoint somebody? Oh, I'd like to do this, but what do I'm going to disappoint them? 99% of the time you haven't even fricking asked them. So stop saying you're afraid to disappoint someone. Be an adult. Just ask them, tell them what you want to do. And then you'll find out if there's a reason to be afraid. But I guarantee you, if you explain to somebody what you want to do and why, you're going to get the support that you need. You know, I'll give you an example. My parents, I hate that I live so far away from them. They can stand that I moved from the Midwest and I live out in the East but you know what They still my biggest supporters People can be two things at once They can be disappointed that you don live closer and they can still support you in pursuing your dreams So stop saying that you're afraid of disappointing people. Go have the conversation, because I think you're gonna be shocked. Here's the fifth takeaway. If someone doesn't want you anymore, you shouldn't want them. The second they break up with you, the second they're not in love with you anymore, the second they treat you as though they don't want you. Take that as the truth and flip the switch and tell yourself you deserve better. I'm sure you remember this moment when Katrina confessed this. Everything I wanted in a person was him except the fact that he didn't want me. I almost fell out of my chair when she said that. That's not your person. That's your insecurity and your trauma from childhood playing out. That's your attachment issues. See, one of the reasons why we cling to people that don't want us is that we play this crazy game that if we could only convince them to like us again, it proves that somehow we're worthy. Okay? The only person that you need to be worthy of is yourself. And so that means you should not want to be with somebody who does not want to be with you, period. Another really big takeaway here. There are always signs. Your intuition is always right. Your issue is that you're not listening to it. So the next time a chapter or a job or a relationship is over, please stop romancing what it was. And please look back with an astute, honest, critical eye and look for the signs because you need to claim those signs and you need to own the fact that you ignored them. And that's a major mistake that I see so many of you making, that you're embarrassed. Oh, I was such an idiot. There were signs that they were cheating. Oh, I was such an idiot. He's been treating me or she's been treating me like garbage for a year. There were signs, but you don't want to tell anybody because you think it makes you look weak. It's actually the opposite. If you can claim all the signs that you saw and chose to ignore, you know what it does? It strengthens your intuition because you're honoring the fact that it's true. And if you make that part of the narrative, it will be more likely that you will see any signs in the future and that you will trust it because you've now owned the mistake that you made in the past. And that brings me to takeaway number seven. If it's not love, it is a lesson. Full stop. You see, not everybody is meant to be in your life for your lifetime. But the things that they teach you and the experiences that you have with them will stay with you for a lifetime. And so one other thing I want you to remember is that when something ends, it ends because it was supposed to end. Okay? There's something better coming. And so when you feel ready, change your story from heartache and heartbreak and insecurity and drama to the lesson that you learned. Because remember, if it's not love, it's a lesson. Another big takeaway here was the coaching that I gave her about rehearsing what you're going to say if there's somebody in your life that you're worried about bumping into. There used to be somebody like that for me. And I think everybody has someone in the back of their mind. They're like, oh my God, dear God, please do not let me bump into them. Please do not let me see them. And for me, it used to be my college roommate. We had a huge falling out after we graduated, partially, I'd say mostly my doing. We went back and forth with letters. This would have been 33 years ago. And I think she's complete, but I certainly was not complete. And I have thought a lot about what I would do if I bumped into her and I used to be scared of it until I did this. You just need to figure out how you're going to handle the situation. That way you're not caught off guard. You've prepared for it. It's something researchers call AB planning. Plan A is I'm not going to see the person. I'm not going to bump into the person, right? Well, what do you do if you do? You have plan B in your back pocket because you've rehearsed it. You've thought about it, you know exactly how you're going to react because you've already rehearsed it. And that means it removes the concern from the back of your subconscious mind. And it also empowers you because you've taken control and you now aren't going to have an awkward moment because you will know what you're going to do. So that's takeaway number eight, rehearse what you're going to say. Now, number nine, we're getting near the end here. I told you there was a lot packed into that coaching session. You don't need another person in order to get complete. I don't need to bump into my friend to feel complete. I was the villain in our friendship ending. And so I accept that. I will welcome her with a huge hug if I ever see her. I don't even know if I would be greeted that way, but that is how I am going to respond. I've learned from my behavior. I have forgiven myself. And so I've moved on. But another person's behavior is all you need. You see, when the person ended it, when they lied to you, when they did what they end, that's all the data point that you need in order to be complete. And the other thing that you need to do is claim and identify the signs that you ignored, or in my case, own and take responsibility for the toxic behavior that you engaged in. And then the best form of apology is honestly changing yourself for the better. A change in behavior is the best apology that you could give yourself and the best apology you could give anybody else. And finally, in life, there will be many things that you do that you regret. I just named a bunch. You know, I don't like the person that I was in high school, college, or law school because I didn't know I was dealing with childhood trauma. I hadn't ever gotten any kind of professional counseling. I didn't even know that's what the issue was. I'm not proud of the fact that I cheated on former boyfriends. I'm not proud of the way that I showed up in friendships. And I definitely regret squandering opportunities that I had in college and law school because I just didn't take full advantage of everything that was in front of me because I couldn't. I hadn't dealt with the deeper issues yet. But here's the thing about regret. What you'll actually regret are the things you didn't do. So if you've been thinking about moving away finally from your hometown, you will regret it if you don't. You will regret it if you don't go back to school. You'll regret it if you don't start dating again. You'll regret it if you don't take your health more seriously. You'll regret it if you don't start saving for that incredible trip that you've always wanted to take, even though you know it might take you five or six years to save for it. Don't let your fears hold you back from doing the things that you know in your heart you want to do. And that brings me all the way full circle to the very beginning of our conversation and the two major truths I told you that we were going to talk about. The first one is how you feel about someone or something is very different than how that person or place makes you feel. I'm going to say that again. How you feel about someone else is very different than how that person makes you feel. Put the weight of your decision in how the person makes you feel. Katrina's ex made her feel angry, rejected, disrespected. That's where she needs to put the weight. When she's making a decision about what she's going to move toward next. And the same thing's true about where she lives. How does Indiana make her feel right now? Well, it makes her feel small and stuck. And like she's shrinking and no longer growing. Pay attention to that. And put the weight of your decision in how that place is making you feel. Now you know what to move toward. And the second, and this is the biggest truth of them all, you must know the difference between what the right decision is in your heart versus your fear of making that decision. Always find the