Let Them: How to Take Back Your Peace and Power

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today, you and I are talking about four things you're not responsible for. Because you know what's exhausting? Living your life as if you're the one who's responsible for everything and everyone around you. You know what I'm talking about? It's not fun to go through life always managing someone else's feelings or tiptoeing around issues to avoid reactions or having to over-explain yourself, putting yourself last all the time. You feel it, don't you? That tightening in your chest, the quiet resentment that starts to build when everybody else comes first, the sense that your life belongs to everyone but you.

Mel Robbins: You know, as your friend, I'm going to tell you something. I think you've confused caring about people with carrying their burden. And it's stealing your happiness, your peace, your freedom. There are four things that you're not responsible for, but you've somehow lived your life as if you are. Today, you're going to learn how to set yourself free, free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you, free from these four things that you were never responsible for managing in the first place. You're going to learn how to take your power back in these four areas and create a life where you come first, your dreams, your goals, your happiness. Because when you finally stop assuming responsibility for things that were never yours to manage in the first place, let me tell you something, your life is going to get so much better.

[Opening theme music fades in and out]

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be together and to get to spend time with you. And if you're a new listener, or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, first of all, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And boy, oh boy, I'm not only glad you're here, but I'm thrilled because you have picked a winner of an episode to listen to. Because today, you and I are talking about four things that you're not responsible for. And I love this topic because it's going to give you power and freedom. It's going to give you your life back. And so I can't wait to jump in. In fact, let's just start with number one right now.

Mel Robbins: The first thing you're not responsible for in life: you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Let them be unhappy. Let them be disappointed. Now, let me explain why this is so important. Your attempt to constantly try to make other people happy, it's making you miserable. See, in life, there's one thing that you will never be able to control, ever, and that's other people. What other people do, what they say, what they believe, what they expect, whether or not they're happy or satisfied. And I have the research to prove to you that the more you make it your responsibility to be sure that everybody around you is happy, the worse you're going to feel.

Mel Robbins: Now, look, don't beat yourself up. We all do this in life. Me too. I mean, that's how I learned about this. I do life the hard way. And then I realized, wow, there's an easier way to live your life. I don't have to be responsible for everybody else's feelings and their happiness. Let them be unhappy. Let me focus on doing things that make me happy. And oftentimes we take on responsibility for things. We try to control things without even realizing it. One of the reasons why this is so important, and I'm going to unpack this today, is because you will never, ever prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy, until you learn how to let them be disappointed. Because if their happiness always comes before yours, you never have time and energy to make yourself happy or to make better decisions because you're focused on them.

Mel Robbins: Today, we're going to change that. You're going to learn to let them be unhappy. And then we're going to learn how to make decisions that make you happy. And the amazing thing about all of this is the research proves that when you do that, when you anchor down into what's going to make you happy and you truly choose it, happiness becomes more contagious throughout your whole life. You're going to love this. And I want to read to you from the *Let Them Theory* book. But before I crack that book open, can I just take a second and thank you?

Mel Robbins: I am so blown away by the global reception of not only the Let Them Theory itself, but the book. I'm floored. In fact, I have not done an in-depth episode about the nuances of The Let Them Theory since I launched the book six months ago. This book in just six months is being translated into 63 languages. In six months, it has sold over 6 million copies and counting. That's bananas. We just learned that halfway through this year, The Let Them Theory is the single bestselling book on the planet of all books right now. All books. Fantasy. I can't believe that a book that is helping you take control of your life is beating fiction. I love fiction. I love fiction because it helps me escape my life. But I love that you are embracing a book that is teaching you how to turn into your life and how to stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility, how to stop controlling things that you can't control, and how to have more peace and how to have more power.

Mel Robbins: And so thank you. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being interested in Let Them Theory. Thank you for reading it and being interested in reading. And thank you for giving this book and recommending it to other people. That's the reason why this has exploded like this. It's because the theory works, and when you use it, you feel better. And I love that. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mel Robbins: All right, let's jump back into it. We're talking about the first thing you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible for other people's happiness. You can live your life in a different way. Instead of taking on this burden, there's a different way to do things. Let me read to you from page 17 of the *Let Them Theory*. This is chapter one. "Stop wasting your life on things you can't control."

[Sound of a book page turning]

Mel Robbins: [Reading] "If you're struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or just feel happier, I want you to hear this. The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people. We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied. If you bend over backwards, maybe your partner won't be disappointed. If you're friendly enough, maybe your co-workers will like you more. If you keep the peace, maybe your family will stop judging your choices. Now, I know this because I've lived it. I've spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do enough, say the right things, and keep everyone happy, I'd finally feel good about myself. But what happens instead? Oh, instead, you work harder, you bend further, you shrink yourself smaller, and still, still, oh, still someone's disappointed, still someone criticizes, still you're left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough."

Mel Robbins: Well, today I'm here to tell you, it doesn't have to be this way. And here's the thing about trying to make other people happy and how you assume responsibility for everyone around you being happy: this shows up in really sneaky ways. So I want to give you some examples of how this can play out, and you might not even realize it. So as we were getting ready to do this episode, we were all talking as a team, and one of the producers on the team said that they know somebody who held back from posting their engagement photo on social media because they were worried that their photo would trigger another friend who was sad about a breakup. I mean, isn't that kind of crazy? That's an example of assuming responsibility for somebody else being happy. You don't post a photo online because you're afraid it's going to make somebody else sad. It's relatable, but it's also kind of crazy that we do this.

Mel Robbins: Or how about this one? Writing five versions of a text to somebody before you hit send because you're worried about it sounding too harsh. Seriously? Or how about this one? Staging family dinners like it's a UN peace summit, rearranging seats so nobody fights this time and nobody is unhappy about where they're sitting. Or how about apologizing for saying no? Even when no is reasonable, and by the way, no is a complete sentence. Why do you have to apologize for the fact that you're saying no? Oh, I know why. Because you're taking on the responsibility that the person is okay with you saying no, and that they're not upset or disappointed because now you're responsible for them being happy, even though you need to say no.

Mel Robbins: Or how about pretending you're "fine," even though you're going through a really tough time, but you don't want to talk about it because you think if you talk about what's going on, you're going to kill the vibe. You're going to bring down the mood and everybody else deserves to be happy, but you, so you're going to take responsibility for that. Or maybe you walk on eggshells at home to avoid your partner's rotten mood after a stressful day at work. So now their stressful day at work is somehow your responsibility to make sure that you don't make it worse. Or maybe you let a friend just vent endlessly about their issues or their breakup or their mother, and you never draw a line and protect your own happiness and say, "You know, this is a lot, and I just really can't handle listening to any more of this right now."

Mel Robbins: Or maybe it looks like this. This was me for a long time with my husband. You're constantly managing somebody else's mood and hoping that they're happy. So you check in all the time. "Are you okay? What are you thinking about? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong?" Because you want everything to be perfect all the time. And if your partner's happy, then you're happy. And it's your responsibility to not only make sure they're happy, but to check in and make sure that they're happy all the time. It makes you crazy. I used to do this constantly.

Mel Robbins: Or always being the planner in your family or your friend group. Because if you don't host the barbecue this year, if you don't organize mom's birthday gift, if you're not the one that's on the ball, then somebody's gonna be disappointed. It's not going to happen. And somehow this is your responsibility in life. Or you avoid asking for help because you don't want to add stress to somebody else's plate because they're really busy and it's just easier if you do this and you don't want to rock the boat. Or you say you're happy to help, but secretly, no, you're not, because you're overwhelmed and you just literally are so exhausted, but you just constantly take on the responsibility of making sure everybody else is okay.

Mel Robbins: Oh my God, even just explaining all of this, you just feel heavier. And you might be shaking your head going, "Wow, I don't do all those things, but I do some of those things, but that's a lot, Mel." It is a lot. This is really, really sneaky stuff. Let me give you another example of how feeling responsible for someone else's happiness can look. Let's say you let someone talk over you or speak to you in a disrespectful way, and you don't want to call out this family member because it would cause a scene and make someone unhappy. Or do you spend money that you don't have on gifts or dinners or trips because you're afraid if you don't, someone's going to think less of you?

Mel Robbins: And I want to point this out because every time you say yes to going out, when really you don't want to go, but you're saying yes because you don't want somebody to be disappointed and you want everyone to be happy with you and you think it's your responsibility that everybody's expectations are met, you realize that it's costing you money. You're willing to not only take on responsibility, but you're willing to spend money in order for someone else to not be disappointed or upset with you. There's a real hard cost to this that also goes beyond time, energy, emotions, and your own unhappiness. This is why it's not your responsibility to manage other people's happiness. It's just not.

Mel Robbins: And if you're spending all your time and energy worrying about everyone else and whether they're okay and whether they're happy and making sure they're not disappointed, guess whose happiness is getting ignored? Yours. That's right. When you are so focused on everyone else, it drains your time and energy and you also lose sight of what will make you happy in life. Just let them. Because otherwise, you end up doing what I did for the first 50 years of my life. You live your life in reverse. You live your life as if everyone else's expectations and their happiness comes before you. And that it is your responsibility to be sure everybody's okay, that everybody's needs are met, that everybody's charity is donated to, that everybody gets you at their dinners or at their business stuff or whatever.

Mel Robbins: I got a better way to go through life. Let them. Let them. Let them. Let them deal with their own expectations. Let them deal with the disappointment. People are allowed to be disappointed. And you're allowed to say no. And when you start to realize, wait a minute, it's not my responsibility to make everybody happy. It's not my responsibility to say yes so that people aren't disappointed or bummed out with me. It's not my responsibility to shrink or to not celebrate what's happening in my life because I'm afraid it's going to make my friend feel more insecure. Do you know how lame that is to go through life like that? And God, I did it for decades. There's a better way to do life.

Mel Robbins: How about you let them be unhappy and let me make decisions that make me happy right now? Let me make decisions that align with my values and the things that I want to prioritize right now. Because here's the thing you are responsible for. You are responsible for your happiness. You're not responsible for everybody else's happiness, but you are responsible singularly for making decisions in a way that make you proud and happy of yourself. You're responsible for living your life in a way that prioritizes your needs, your joy, your goals, your money. Like why are you giving away your money so that people are not disappointed or bummed out with you? Why are you giving away your time so that somebody's not disappointed?

Mel Robbins: You're also responsible for being honest. Yeah, you got to be kind about it with people and a little bit compassionate, but be honest about what works for you and what doesn't work for you, especially if it makes them unhappy. I'm going to say that again. You got to be honest, especially if it's going to make them unhappy. And here's the reason why. I have found time and time again, when I look back in the past, my inability to let other people be unhappy or disappointed was a form of manipulation. I basically was trying to make people happy all the time so they'd like me. And you can never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy. Let me say that again, because that's a big one. You're not responsible for other people's happiness. And more importantly, you will never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy. Because if their happiness comes before yours, you will never have time and energy to make yourself happy, period.

Mel Robbins: And I can hear you as you're considering these examples. "But Mel, won't this make me really selfish? Is it a good thing to help out your friends and show up at dinner parties and do things to make other people happy?" Of course, it's a good thing. Of course, it's a good thing to live your life in a way where you show up as the kind of person that makes other people happy and that you do things that show them that you care. But here's the nuance I'm talking about. You have to ask yourself, why are you doing this? Why are you saying yes? Why are you agreeing to these things? Why are you taking the extra shift at work? Why are you offering to babysit your sister's untrained dog yet again while she goes away? Why are you doing this?

Mel Robbins: If you're doing it for them and doing nice things for other people makes you feel good, good. That means you're doing it for you because it makes you feel good to be that kind of person. Do you see what I mean? Say yes to babysitting the dog because it makes you happy. Say yes to volunteering at school because it makes you happy. Say yes to changing your plans and going to that wedding or being excited about the business opportunity over a birthday weekend because it makes you happy. Do it for you. Don't do it for them. Because if you're chronically doing things because you think you should or because you think it's your responsibility to make other people happy or to meet their expectations or because you're worried that other people will be disappointed, which is just another way to say, "I'm responsible for people not being disappointed. I'm responsible for their happiness," that's terrible. That's the worst reason to do something.

Mel Robbins: Because number one, now you are assuming responsibility for somebody else's expectations being met. You're assuming responsibility for somebody not being disappointed. You're assuming responsibility for somebody's happiness and you're ignoring your own. So it's a double whammy of negativity. That's why it's not good. And even more, resentment starts to build up in your relationships. I kid you not, because you start to blame your parents for constantly throwing a guilt trip when the truth is you've assumed responsibility for making sure that they're never uncomfortable or disappointed. There's an easier way. Let them be disappointed and let me make decisions that make me feel good about myself. And so don't confuse your innate desire to make people happy, which is a good thing, with this imagined responsibility that their happiness is your full-time job. That's where we get this wrong.

Mel Robbins: There was a study done out of Carnegie Mellon that was led by the psychology professor Vicki Helgeson, where she tracked college students that were just going about their lives for 10 days. And it was so interesting what this study found. It found that the students who were constantly taking care of everyone else, but never asked for help, ended up drained, stressed out, and worse off emotionally. These were the over-givers, the fixers, the people who think that it's their job to keep everyone else okay. But the more that they tried to manage other people's emotions, the worse they felt. Instead of bringing peace into your life, the worse they felt.

Mel Robbins: Let me explain what this means, because I think as you're listening, you're going, "Well, no kidding, because that's how I feel right now." See, instead of bringing peace into your life, constantly overextending yourself because you think it's your responsibility to make everybody okay leads to you feeling more anxious and emotionally burnt out. It couldn't be clearer. When you're in that mode where you assume responsibility for other people's happiness, you're actually not helping, you're hurting yourself. I'm going to say it again. You are only responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish. It helps you make better choices. It helps you own what you're doing and it helps you prioritize yourself.

Mel Robbins: Let them be unhappy. Let them be upset. Let them be disappointed. And let me make decisions and prioritize my time and energy and live my life aligned with my values and what's happening in this moment and do so in a way that makes me happy. Because when I say yes, let me be honest about the reason why I'm saying yes. I say yes because I want to say yes. I say yes because it matters to me. And when I make decisions that way, I take responsibility for the choices I'm making. And ultimately, I feel in control. And when I feel in control, guess what? I feel a little happier. Isn't that so cool how that works?

Mel Robbins: And that's the first thing that you're not responsible for: other people's happiness. Not your job. Never has been. And I am so excited for you and I to dig into the other three things that you're not responsible for, but we're going to take a short break right now. Don't you dare go anywhere because you're going to love the next three. And I also want you to take a moment while you're listening to our amazing sponsors and share this with people in your life. I realize you're not responsible for their happiness. But let's spread the love around because this will make it easier, honestly, if they listen to this, for you not to take responsibility for their happiness. All righty. Don't go anywhere. We got three more to cover, and we're going to do that after a short break. Stay with me.

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Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today you and I are talking about the four things that you are not responsible for. And so far you've learned that you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Let them be unhappy. Let them be disappointed because you're responsible for your own happiness. Now let's jump into the second thing that you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life.

Mel Robbins: Now, this one probably hits hard, especially if you're a parent or a partner or a friend or frankly, if you have a pulse, because if you care about somebody else, it's really hard to accept that this is true, that you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems and you have to let them learn from life. Because who hasn't been there? I'm sure you have. I mean, maybe you're there right now as you're watching somebody struggle. Who hasn't tried to clear all the obstacles out of the way to help somebody that you love? I'm sure you have. I have too. And the reality is simple. You can support someone. You can offer advice. You can pay for things. You can throw down a dozen lifelines. But at the end of the day, people only change when they are ready to do the work to change for themselves.

Mel Robbins: And if you're not careful, your love and your concern and your worry will turn into enabling people who are struggling. And that happens when you assume responsibility for solving their problems. And there are two reasons why this is a very important truth to understand, that you are not responsible for solving someone's problems or rescuing someone from their problems. Number one, the reason why this is important is because every single expert says that rescuing people doesn't work. And based on the research, rescuing people and solving their problems for them backfires. It makes the situation worse. And the second reason is that trying to solve everyone else's problems is creating major problems for you. And you're important too. And there's a different way to approach these very difficult situations.

Mel Robbins: And I want to read to you from page 226 of the *Let Them Theory* book because I dedicate an entire section of the book to how you use the Let Them Theory when somebody is struggling and how to stop assuming responsibility for everybody's problems and solving them and keep yourself in a role of supporting them from the sidelines. So let me read to you.

[Sound of a book page turning]

Mel Robbins: [Reading] "Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief, or an addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And an even harder truth is not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not everybody can. I learned that truth from clinical psychologist Dr. Nicola Perla's work. She's known online to her millions of followers as the holistic psychologist. And every day her work reminds me that healing is a deeply personal journey. As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing, or health more than they do. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing, growing, and getting better. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you're going to be ready way before they are. It's harsh, but it's true."

Mel Robbins: What we're going to talk about is there's a brand new approach to supporting someone through their struggles, which is grounded in the belief that someone can do the work to get better. And in order for that to happen, you have to stop assuming responsibility for doing the work for them. Before we get into what does the research say about how to show up and support in a way that's going to be effective, first let's take a look at what happens when you assume responsibility for solving someone else's problems. Here are some examples.

Mel Robbins: Let's say you loan your sibling money for the third time, even though they haven't paid you back the last two times. Or you keep paying for the car, the phone, and the rent for your adult kid who isn't working and doesn't really seem to be looking for work or all that motivated to look for work, but still has the time and the money to go out and party with their friends. And every time you ask, "Hey, how's the job search going?" There's nothing but excuses and a request for some more money. And you keep giving it to them. You can't help it. I know, I've been there.

Mel Robbins: Or your partner has let themselves go. So you just sign them up for the gym membership, even though they don't want it. And then they don't use it, but then you start resenting them because they're not doing anything and they're not accepting the help and you're still trying to solve this. Or how about this one? You keep cleaning up after your messy roommate who refuses to do their share because you can't live in the mess, but you also can't seem to have a constructive conversation about it with them because cleaning up the mess is easier than being honest about what's not working with this person.

Mel Robbins: Or you have a family member who refuses to get help for their addiction and you know they're hiding their addiction from you. You know they're not honest. You think they're still using and yet you're hiding what's going on from your friends and you're not talking about it openly and getting the support that you need because you're trying to protect your family member. So you're not honest about what's actually going on in your life and getting the support that you deserve. And I struggle with the same stuff myself. I mean, this is really difficult to do and it's very personal in terms of where is that line where you're solving the problems and you're overextending yourself versus standing back and offering support to somebody who wants it.

Mel Robbins: I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my responsibility to save people from themselves, even when I'm related to them. And here's something that's really helped me to be honest with myself and to call myself out. It's asking, "What is the problem that I'm trying to solve?" Like, I want you to think about somebody who you feel like you are really worried about. You're either paying for parts of their life or you're trying to motivate them. What is your problem to solve? Is it the financial situation? Is it sobriety? Is it the lack of interest in school? What is your problem to solve, your responsibility?

Mel Robbins: And here's what I've discovered about myself: oftentimes I've made it my problem to solve other people's problems because I don't like how uncomfortable I feel when I'm worrying about somebody. And so I can just make this go away. I can make myself feel better. I can make myself feel not as worried if I pay for something or if I avoid the conversation. That's easier than taking a step back and reminding myself, at some point, this person is going to have to find the strength within themselves to step up and face the issues in their life. And when they do so, I will be here by the side. But in the meantime, I got to take a step back and let them.

Mel Robbins: And so it is helpful. Ask yourself, "What is the problem you're trying to solve?" Because in life, there's lots of problems, but most of them are not your responsibility to solve. And often when you step across that line and you try to make somebody else's problem go away, you make the situation worse. And you may be thinking, "How can I be making the situation worse, Mel? It's already terrible. They're already unmotivated. They're already spiraling. They're already struggling. How is my help making the situation worse?" It's the exact question to ask. It's the right thing to grapple with. And so I grappled with the same thing, which is why I want to turn to two world experts who were part of the research that we did in writing the *Let Them Theory*.

Mel Robbins: This is in the chapter titled, "The More You Rescue, The More They Sink." I'm reading from page 231. The section begins, "Let People Learn From Life."

[Sound of a book page turning]

Mel Robbins: [Reading] "Dr. Robert Waldinger is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst as well as a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He also leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most extensive and longstanding research projects on adult life. Dr. Waldinger addressed this specifically when I talked to him. He said, 'Let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose. If somebody says, I really don't want to get a job. Okay, well, how are you going to pay your rent?'"

Mel Robbins: There are a lot of things we can do to help people meet the challenges of life by not shielding them from the challenges of life. This often happens in the realm of addiction with loved ones. We have to let people deal with the pain of losing a job or losing a partner because they're addicted to some substance. Don't try to run in and make it all better.

When we let people face the real-world consequences of the choices they make, they hopefully learn from them. Maybe they need to spend a night in jail. Maybe they need to lose their job or their license or their family. Maybe you need to take them out of college. Maybe they need to live with you because they need family around them. Maybe they're just so far gone, they are going to be homeless.

And it's not just in the most extreme cases like addiction and severe mental illness. This same principle applies when someone is struggling with homesickness, anxiety, or self-doubt. Dr. Luana Marquez, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, told me that avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted. Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard. It's human nature to reach for what feels easy and to move away from what you're facing that is difficult, whether that's going back to school or looking for a job or maintaining your sobriety or asking for help or filing for bankruptcy or filing for divorce.

It's important to embrace the facts here so you can approach this from a rational and science-backed method. Stop avoiding the problem. Stop solving their problems and let them learn from life. The fact is, helping takes two people: the person giving the help, that's you, and the person accepting the help. If you're giving someone help and they're not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling because you're the one doing all the work. They're not an active participant in solving their problems anymore. You're the one solving it, and that's what makes it enabling rather than help.

So if you know that helping takes two people and someone's not accepting the help that you're giving, or they're not meeting the terms and conditions upon which you've been giving the money or the support, you need to say to yourself, let them struggle. Remember, people change when they're ready to change. And sometimes it takes people a very long time to change. Sometimes it takes someone going through a lot of painful experiences before they wake up and discover the strength within themselves.

You're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems, so stop doing it. Let them learn from life. Understand the difference between supporting somebody and actually enabling them by solving their problems for them. It sounds harsh, but it's actually one of the most loving things that you can do because you're also saying, "I believe in your ability to do the work to change. I believe that when you're ready, you will change. And the second that you are ready to accept the help, I will be right there to give it to you. But in the meantime, I'm not responsible for solving your problems and I'm gonna let you learn from life."

And that's the second thing that you're not responsible for. And don't you dare go anywhere because we got two more things that you're not responsible for and these two, I've saved the best for last. And while you're listening to our sponsors on this short break, I want you to take a moment and share this with everybody that you know and care about because everybody deserves to feel empowered. Everybody deserves to know how to take your power back. And that's what we're doing here by unpacking these four things that you're not responsible for. Alrighty, don't go anywhere. The final two are coming up after this short break. So stay with me.

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Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And I am so excited to be explaining the four things that you're not responsible for. And especially if you're tired of shouldering the responsibility for everyone and everything, boy, is today's episode exactly what you need to hear.

And so let's jump into the third thing that you're not responsible for. You're not responsible for making people understand your choices. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're wrong, misguided, or strange. Let them think it's cringey because you're not responsible for making people understand.

You know, like I keep telling you, there's something in life that you will never be able to control, and that's other people, what they think, what they do, what they believe, whether or not they understand what's going on or they're questioning you. That means you cannot control what another person thinks about you, about what you're doing, about what you're wearing, about your career moves. You will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control that. So you got to learn how to let people think what they're going to think, and you got to learn how to let them misunderstand you.

I'm going to give you an example. The other day I was driving down this road. I'm up in New England. It's beautiful. I'm in this rural area. It's kind of like one of those highways in a rural area that's two lanes, 45 miles an hour. We're by a river driving through the mountains. And suddenly, off in the distance, I see this person and I'm like, what is that person doing? They're on the other side of the road. They're kind of coming toward me. I couldn't quite make out what they were doing. And as they got closer, I was like, oh my God, they're riding a unicycle. I kid you not. Sure enough, when I got close, there was this person riding a unicycle on the side of the highway, just like it's what everybody does. I have no idea why they were doing that. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I had no idea why somebody would want to ride a unicycle down a highway.

But you want to know what? I don't need to understand because that person riding the unicycle down the highway in the middle of New England, they're living their best life. They're making a decision that made them happy. No one needs to understand them. No one needs to understand how they wake up in the morning and go, "You know what? I think I'm going to ride my unicycle down the highway today."

Don't you and I deserve to go through life like that? Like our unicycle friend, knowing that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need to explain myself. My actions are self-explanatory. I'm doing what I feel like doing. And if somebody has a problem with that, let them. If somebody thinks I'm an idiot for riding a unicycle, let them. If somebody thinks it's kind of cool that I can balance like that on the side of a highway and just carry on in my happy way, let them. Because knowing that you're responsible for your choices is power. The only person the unicycle needed to make sense to was the guy riding it.

So now let me turn it back to you and me. The only person your decisions need to make sense to is you. There is nothing that that unicycle rider could have done to guarantee my approval or to guarantee that I'd understand what he was doing and where he was going and why he was riding a unicycle in the first place. And why should he be concerned about that? He should be concerned about the decisions that he's making.

See, the things that you feel called to do, the changes that you want to make, the goals that you have, the things on your bucket list, the wishes that you hold in your heart, the modes of transportation that you want to go on, they're all for you. They're not for other people. They're not supposed to make sense to other people. Your dreams are for you. That's why other people don't understand them.

I mean, can you imagine a world where you stop trying to make everyone else understand your choices, where you stop making someone else's validation a requirement before you can do something? I really want you to think about that. Think about something that you want to do right now. Maybe it's something you've wanted to do for a while. I bet you're not doing it because you're afraid other people won't understand or support your decision. That's why you have to let them misunderstand you.

And here's something that's really important to say. Oftentimes, what I've found is that when you make changes in your life, it's the people who are closest to you that don't understand why you're changing. See, here's the point. We always love people from our point of view. So when your family or friends are questioning you and they don't understand you, they are questioning you from their point of view. They're loving you from their point of view. They're seeing your decision through their fears, their limits, their life experiences. So they're not reacting from your lens. They don't live inside your body, so they don't know what feels right for you.

For example, if your grandmother or grandfather's never quit a job without a backup plan, when you go into business for yourself and you quit that job, that sounds reckless. They're trying to understand this from their experience. If they've never been in therapy, the second that you start to say, "No, I'm not going to change my plans. You guys have fun with grandma," it's going to sound really cold. They've never walked away from a toxic breakup. So your breakup makes them start to consider something in their own relationship. They've never stopped drinking. Your sobriety seems like a threat. Like I've heard this over and over again, that when you're changing in your life, the people closest to you are often the least supportive.

And you're going to want your partner to understand. You're going to want your parents to understand. You're going to want everybody in your life to get on board and be excited about your new morning routine or the fact that you want to become an influencer, that you're going to change your marriage, you're going to get divorced, or you're going to move to a different country. You want them to support that you're becoming vegan. But what do they do instead? They make snide remarks because they don't understand it. And it's not fair, but that's what they do.

Here's another example. Maybe you're thinking about going back to school, right? The kids are gone. You want to go back to school, but all you're getting are questions. "Well, how are you going to manage it? How are you going to pay for it? How are you going to feel being the oldest or the youngest person in that classroom? Really? You've been out of school for a long time. I mean, it's kind of cool, but isn't that a lot?"

That's why it's critical for you to understand it's not your responsibility to make people understand what you're doing. In fact, I want you to expect as your friend that they're not going to understand it because they're not doing it. You're the one doing it.

And I want to give you a few more real life examples because it is so liberating to just go through life and let people misunderstand you and just assume that they are right. Like when you move out of town and you want a fresh start, your friends are going to go, "Well, why are you leaving? Like we just all moved here. Oh my gosh, so-and-so's moving. Why are you leaving?" And you explain it 10 different ways, hoping one's going to click and it never does. It's a waste of your energy. Here's the answer: "I'm moving because I'm moving." Let them misunderstand. You don't owe anybody an explanation, especially if it makes you miserable constantly trying to explain yourself.

Or let's say you do leave your job to go launch your business. It's been a dream of yours for years and your parents, oh my God, they cannot stop talking about security and benefits and how's this going to work. And so you sit them down and then you're getting a lecture about the economy and all the changes and you try to walk them through your plan again and again and again, and they don't get it.

Or you decide to not have a traditional wedding and, oh my God, you got to spend weeks explaining to your grandmother why you're not doing the big wedding, why you're not wearing white, why you're not inviting 200 people. Grandma had this vision about how it was all going to go. Let her misunderstand. Send her the invite. Let her complain to somebody else.

Or here's a big one. You choose not to have children. Every holiday, like clockwork, somebody has to ask, "So you think you're going to change your mind?" As if "I've decided not to have children" is not a respectable answer? You are not responsible for explaining yourself to people. You're not responsible for people understanding you. Let them misunderstand. Let them be confused.

You're responsible for knowing what's right for you. You're responsible for making decisions you can live with. You're responsible for trusting yourself enough that someone's confusion doesn't shake your clarity. You're responsible for letting other people be uncomfortable with your choices and choosing them anyway because they are going to be uncomfortable. You're the one who's doing it for the first time. Own that.

All it takes is one person and a family to break the mold. All it takes is one person to do something different. And mark my words, you're ready for the really annoying thing? Two years from now, everybody that questioned your decision to start that business is going to be bragging about your new business. Three years from now, your sober lifestyle has inspired a ton of your friends and a ton of new friends. And you are the one who took responsibility for making choices that you understand and making choices that make you happy instead of worrying about explaining it to everybody else.

And I want to dive into the research here because this is really important. Harvard University's Dr. Nicholas Epley and colleagues of his did research on how people understand each other. And guess what? They don't. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, he and his fellow researchers found something fascinating. Even when people genuinely try to understand your viewpoint, their own perspective gets in the way. I mean, it's common sense, right? They can't help but filter everything through their own experiences, biases, and assumptions. They see you as the guy in the unicycle. "What kind of an idiot goes down the highway on a unicycle when you could drive a car, ride a bike?" That means you can explain yourself until you're blue in the face, but no one will ever fully get you and you can't control whether or not they ever do.

So what does this mean? This means whatever their assumptions and worries are about what you're doing, that's not your job to manage. Save your energy for living your life, not defending it. Let them, let them be confused and let me be clear. Let them question me and let me just stand firm in a simple answer. Let them have their opinions and let me have my boundaries. Let them disagree. Let me keep going. Let them not get it. Let me stop explaining myself. Let them talk. Let me live.

And the fourth thing you're not responsible for: you are not responsible for proving your worth. Let them underestimate you. I know you think, "Well, Mel, but if everybody likes me and sees my value, then I'm good." Like me, you've been getting it all backwards. You think self-worth comes from everybody else liking you. It's actually the opposite. Self-worth comes from you liking who you already are. That's the real success in life, liking yourself. Being okay with yourself is the key to showing up, getting things done, and building the life that you want. It's everything.

That's why understanding that you're not responsible for other people seeing your value or other people liking you, this might be the most important thing that you hear me say today. Now, this might sound kind of similar to number three. You know, number three was it's not your responsibility to make other people understand your decisions, but there's a very crucial difference between wanting people to understand the choices that you make and needing people to validate your worth.

I want to read to you again from the *Let Them Theory* because I dedicate an entire section in the book to using the theory to stop giving people power and to stop seeking your worth in other people's opinions. This is on page 79 in a chapter titled, "Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You."

[Sound of a book page turning]

Mel Robbins: [Reading] "The truth is people will have negative opinions about you, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself and question your worth. It can paralyze you with perfectionism. It's the reason why you overthink. This is where that ends. It's time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let them. And it's time to set yourself free and let me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time transform your life."

See, you're wasting too much of your life and your time trying to get other people to see your worth. And I'm not just talking about strangers here. I'm talking about people you know, your friends, your family, your high school classmates that are on social media and you haven't seen them in person in 15 years. You're worried about what they think. Your old boss, who never considered you for a promotion, even though you worked your tail off. You post something on Instagram that you're proud of. Two seconds later, you're checking to see if somebody else liked it, which means that you're worthy. You finally launched the thing you've been dreaming of and all you can think about is who's not clapping, who's rolling their eyes, who's still not impressed.

So what do you do? You shrink. You stop moving forward. You question whether or not you should. You question your worth because of what other people think and do.

Here's some other examples. Maybe you don't invite people over to your house because you're afraid that they're going to see the pile of laundry on the couch or the full sink of dishes or that your furniture is a mismatch of things that have been passed down and it doesn't really look like an Instagram post. Or maybe you devalue yourself because you go out of your way to impress your partner's family, even if it means acting like someone you're not, as if there's something wrong with you.

And look, there's nothing wrong with wanting other people to like you, but when you change who you are in order to get the acceptance, that's the problem. That's why it's not your responsibility to have other people see your worth. You have to see it first.

If you've ever abandoned a hobby or a personal project or anything that brings you joy because somebody questioned you about it or teased your ambition or you felt embarrassed to tell people that scrapbooking is your obsession, that's you devaluing yourself. That's you putting your worth in somebody else's opinion.

If you're a business owner and you underprice your products or you give your services at a lower value or worse, you give discounts to people that you know because you feel like they're not going to see your true worth and somehow you value the friendship over the value of the service. Come on, you've done this. You've given free interior design services. You've helped somebody with their social media. You've given people legal advice or real estate advice. How many hours did you sit with a friend and guide them through the IEP process, even though you work in this area of assessing kids for learning disabilities? Don't do that.

And so let me read to you from the *Let Them Theory*, because learning how to let people think bad thoughts about you, learning to let people not like you, learning to let people not see your value and not twist yourself in half trying to prove it to people, this will change your life.

[Sound of a book page turning]

Mel Robbins: [Reading] "I'm reading from page 84 in the section, 'Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You.' I'm sure you struggle with the same fear I used to when it comes to putting yourself out there. Whether it's your business, your art, your music, your videos, or posting a photo of yourself in a bathing suit. When you censor yourself because of other people's opinions, you devalue your own worth. And that's why you cover up your acne and insist on standing on your good side in every photo. You're devaluing yourself as you are. And this is the same reason why you don't speak up in meetings or online. You're afraid to look bad. And at work, you're afraid to sound bad. You're afraid of what other people will think if they see or hear the real you because you place more value on what they think than on what you think of yourself. And every time you edit a post or you stay silent in class or at work or you hide in the back of a group photo, you know what you're engaging in? Self-rejection. That's what's happening. And it's subtle, but it's true because you're the one telling yourself you're not good enough as you are. You're the one who doesn't see your own value. The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, asking other people, 'Does this look good?' It only magnifies your self-doubt because you're the one questioning your worth. And most advice on this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just stop caring about what other people think, but no one tells you how. It's time for a new approach. This is where the Let Them Theory helps you squash this fear once and for all. Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let people not see your worth. This is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence. It will free your self-expression and catapult you into a whole new chapter of your life. Give people the freedom to think something negative about you. Let them. Because until you can let people think something negative about you, you're going to have trouble thinking positive about yourself because you've been so busy managing what other people think. How could you value what you think about yourself?"

Here's what you are responsible for. Instead of wasting all your time on them, focus on yourself. You're responsible for recognizing your own value, even when other people don't. You're responsible for building your dreams, your career, your life, not to impress other people, but in order to impress yourself, to fulfill yourself, to live your life in a way that makes you proud. That's how you feel worthy. You're responsible for showing up with integrity, consistency, and effort. Not because you owe it to anybody else, but because you deserve to be proud of the way you live. In fact, you owe it to yourself.

And in case you're not convinced yet, just check out this research. Researcher Christopher Sarasoli and his team with the Group for Organizational Effectiveness analyzed over a hundred studies on motivation, and then they published what they found in Motivation and Emotion. They looked at 108 studies altogether, tens of thousands of people, tracking how feeling capable, connected, and in control affects performance in the real world. Now, it turns out when you're motivated from the inside, meaning you're motivated to do better for you, you do better, way better. Quality goes way up. When you tie your performance, on the other hand, to things outside of you like cash or praise or approval from somebody else, that light and that fire within you, it starts to dim. You got to see it for you. Let them not see it. That's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is you seeing it and acting accordingly.

And according to research by Dr. Kristen Neff of the University of Texas, this was published in Self and Identity, the more you tie your self-worth to external validation, to other people's opinions, to what other people think about you, the more emotionally unstable you become. Holy smokes. Turns out people who rely on internal sources of self-worth, people who see their value as stable and not dependent on praise from the outside or criticism, you're more resilient. You're less anxious. And over time, way more successful.

See, the secret isn't getting more applause. It's caring less about who's clapping. And as long as you're clapping for yourself, you're winning. Let them talk behind my back. Let me build something I can be proud of. Let them doubt me. Let me keep showing up because I'm showing up for me. I'm not showing up for these people that might clap, might not. Who cares? I'm clapping. Let them think I'm not enough. Let me know I am. And the proof is in how I show up because I show up for me.

So let this conversation today be your wake-up call. You're in charge. And this realization is not a condemnation. It's a liberation. I mean, isn't it incredible to know that you're not responsible for other people? You're not responsible for their happiness. You're not responsible for solving their problems. You're not responsible for making them understand. And you're certainly not responsible for forcing them to see your worth. You're responsible for you.

Isn't it incredible to know that others can't affect you and waste your time the way that they have, in my case, for decades? Isn't it liberating to know that people can say and do what they want? They can make fun. They can doubt. And you're going to be unbothered? How amazing is it that you get to be in control? How unbelievable that you get to choose what you're going to pour your time and energy into, what you get to say yes to, and what you get to say no to.

Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life. It means demanding more of yourself because time is ticking. And like me, you've wasted enough of it worrying about things that don't matter and taking responsibility for things that were never yours to manage. And it means being laser focused on the things you can control and not giving a single second to the things that you can't and that were never your problem to begin with.

And in case no one else tells you, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And the second you start using everything we talked about to stop taking responsibility for things that were never yours to manage, I promise you, my friend, your life is going to get so much better. And I know you know that's true too.

Alrighty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

[Sound of a deep breath]

Mel Robbins: Oopsie. And she's tired.

[Sound of a sip of water]

Mel Robbins: And in addition to kind of... hold on a second. Keep, go up one more time. I'm sorry. We're gonna have a bunch of false starts till I get in the groove today. All right. One more time. This is going to be our winner today. One, two, three, four, five.

[Sound of a sip of water]

Mel Robbins: Let me take a sip of water. Or maybe it looks like this. You're in a relationship and your... Hold on a second. Let them learn from life.

[Sound of a small burp]

Mel Robbins: Let me burp right now. Okay. Sorry, I've got a fly or a thing that keeps flying all over my face here. Let's see if it comes down. It's like a little fruit fly. It's been all over the... I think it's gone now. Let's keep going.

[Pause]

Mel Robbins: All right. Great. Great. Okay. Thanks, everybody.

[Pause]

Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.