--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, we are answering your questions, and I say "we" because I've invited our 18-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, onto the podcast. So many of the questions I'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or young adults in your life. You're worried about them. You want to know how to connect with them. You're worried about their anxiety, about things that are going on at school or in college. So I thought, why don't we just get Oakley in the seat? Oak, you can do your best to explain what the average teenager or young adult is thinking as we answer questions from people around the world, okay?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Sounds great.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Anything else that you think people should know before we jump in?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I'm psyched to be here. Super glad to be back.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my gosh. I'm psyched to be back too. All right. So here's how it's going to roll. I have a stack of literally several hundred questions. It's huge. These are just a sample of the ones we've gotten in the last 48 hours. Oakley has not seen these questions.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Are we going?
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're just going.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: We're just going. Perfect. Let's go for it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, great. Here's the first one. Why is it so hard to get my sons to talk? When my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I think for some people, everybody processes annoyance and anger differently. I'm no expert psychologist, but I feel like sometimes the way that men or boys can process anger is they need time to themselves and they don't want to talk about it. It's also a bit of a norm for men to just be closed off in general and not really share how they feel.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: A sign of weakness, I guess. A worry that to show how you truly feel if you're upset or angry, it's not masculine, which is a word that people throw around. I think it's not because your son is angry with you or doesn't like you. It's because he feels as though what he needs to be doing to achieve a certain standing in a social hierarchy or the life he's living right now is to not share and to stay quiet.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So in the life of the average teenage or young adult male, social hierarchy, like the guys that are quiet and broody, that's a plus?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You normally don't share if you're sad. Anger is something people share.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But sadness, if you're into somebody, people don't really share that because that isn't very masculine, I guess is the word that people use.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Really? If you like someone?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. You have to pretend like you don't care?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. So let's break this question apart a little bit. I noticed particularly in the mornings or at the end of the day, if you have a lot of homework, you're usually pretty pissed off and grouchy. It is obvious to me, particularly in the mornings, that you do not want me talking to you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you do a great job at it. I really appreciate it. But why? Can you explain why me talking to you when you're in a state where you're annoyed about something bothers you?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: The mornings and the afternoons are two different times for me. In the afternoon when I get home from school, and this is for every kid, we just went through eight or nine hours of social interactions and tests and papers and classes. When you get home, the last thing you want to do is have a 20-minute conversation breaking down every little thing that happened at school. That's usually what you want to do when I get home. I want to go to my room, maybe sit in there for a minute or two, just be alone, hang out for a second. Then when I come back down to you, I'm more ready and willing to open up. In the mornings, this may just be a me thing, but I wake up and I just have to get out the door. I don't want to be slowed down. I'm super tired. I'm upset that I just woke up. I was super happy being asleep. I feel like I'll be set off very easily if somebody is trying to get in my way and talk to me. I don't know if that's where everybody is, but I think it's really helpful.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also feel like if you have a lot of stuff that you're processing and you're not ready to talk about it, there's nothing more irritating than somebody prying.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: For sure.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And asking you to talk about it. So in terms of the answer to the question, why is it so hard to get sons to talk? There's the larger piece of it, which is all day long, sons and people that identify male are getting bombarded with the message that emotions are weak.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yep.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Talking about how you feel is a weakness.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yep.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so it's getting reinforced and reinforced to just keep it inside. Second reason is they might be processing something and they're not ready to talk about it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And prying makes you what?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It makes me frustrated because I still don't really know half the time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you have any advice? Her second part of her question is, "When my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us." And you do that too.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You remove yourself when you're mad about something. So if you have somebody in your life that removes themselves the way that Oakley does with us when he is about to blow a gasket, what is the best strategy? Just speaking from your shoes. How much time do you need? What's the best way to approach the topic after you've kind of pulled away?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: If I get up to go, don't stop me. I'm not trying to be stopped. I'm just trying to leave. I don't want to be a part of this conversation anymore. For the piece about time, I think it's just different for everybody and every situation. If I'm more upset or less upset, it may take more or less time. To know when to re-engage and try to have that conversation, I give a subtle cue. I come back down into a public space. I don't really say anything, but I'm just hanging out. Maybe I'll try to eat something or do something, but I will be near you guys and I'll wait for you guys to engage.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's true. I don't know if that's how everybody works, but I give a sign. I think most people do give a sign when they're ready to talk. And my sign is I come back down and am in a public space. Is there a lead-in line that you would want to hear from me or dad?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I just like, "How are you feeling? Hey, bud." Like that kind of thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Not like, "Hey, bud." I feel like that's kind of talking down.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: But we're just like, "How are you feeling? I noticed you were very upset. Would you like to talk about it?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: "Would you like to talk about it?" I like that. So acknowledge the feelings that you saw and then ask, "Would you like to talk about it?" And I take it if the person says no, you just give them their space.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Give them more space.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, great. Actually, one more thing. You have a line.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: What do I have?
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is really good. I think everybody should use it. But if your child is willing to open up, it may be your first thought to jump right in and give advice and solve the problem. But you have a line that you use all the time, which is, "Do you want me to give advice or do you want me to just listen?" So if your child decides to open up, I recommend using that line because they might not want you to help solve their issue. They might just want to tell you what's going on and that's it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You never want advice.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, because I feel like I'm able to work things out most of the time.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Most of the time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. We're going to probably go more and more into that because there were a lot of questions about how you broach topics with your teens and your young adults, how you build trust. So let's do another one. How do you teach your kids about cliquey behavior? Like friend group cliquey?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I remember there were cliques in my middle school. I wouldn't say there were as many at my high school, more just friend groups.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What's the difference between a friend group and a clique?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: A clique is very closed off. They only engage with each other. They don't really let other people in. A friend group is just a group of people who you normally see hanging out, but they're never not including everybody or stuff like that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Gotcha. Would you agree with that?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I feel like that's... Yeah. I think the word "clique," if you say the word "clique," it's negative. It's a negative word. There's a certain group of people, whether you're an adult or a young adult or a teen, if I say the word "clique," there's a certain group of people that you immediately think of because they're exclusive and they seem kind of judgy.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: If you are outside of a clique and there are people that you like inside of it, I would just stay away from the clique. If you are in a clique, I would recommend that you either change your ways in that clique or just leave it because it is not a very positive environment. People do not think very positively of it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's true. Even if you think that's the popular girl clique, people still don't think positive of it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You should always take what makes you happy over social standings, I would say. You don't need to hang out with the popular people to be happy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We have to go dig deep into that. How do you do that? Because we all think we need to be popular or we need to hang out with the popular people in order to be happy?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: People feel happy when they're seen. You feel seen when you're in the popular crew because people know your name and they're saying hi to you in the halls and you're getting invited to the parties. But when you take a deep look into that group, you realize that half of them hate each other or they talk shit about each other all the time. I've heard that on countless occasions at my school. There's a group like that and I've talked to them and they've said the worst things to their friends about their friends, which I would never imagine my friends saying about me. It can definitely feel good to be recognized. But when you look back at your experience, you're going to realize that it was shallow and you weren't enjoying the people you were with. To get out of that, my recommendation is find people who, when you hang out with them, you feel trust and you feel safe and you also feel enjoyment and you feel secure.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What does that feel like? How do you know?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: For me, it's a gut feeling. When I see my friends, I'm like, "Those are my people." I know they have my back. If you're unsure, there will be situations that come up where they will take your side.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Can you give me an example? Like if you've been in a situation where you thought you were with your people, but then somebody did something and you're like, "Oh my God."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my middle school, I was friends with the popular boy group at my school. I was happy about it, I thought I was. I wore jeans every day to school. The one day that I wore shorts, one of the guys in the friend group was like, "Your legs look so weird." Then they went around and told everybody that my legs look so weird and that everybody was hitting on my legs. There were a few dudes that were like, "That's not cool. Don't do that." I was like, "Those are the guys. Those are my guys." Because those are the guys that are standing up for me, even though the popular dude isn't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That leads right into this question. How do I help my son deal with kids who say hurtful things? He has a very hard time ignoring them.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: When people say hurtful things to other people, nine times out of ten, it is because they are in a world of hurt right now. Whether that be family, friends, maybe academically, there's always something wrong with their life and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But it still hurts.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Correct.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So how in the moment when somebody says your legs are weird or they call you some name or they leave you out? Something you've experienced is when you always end up being the person in a game that's it. You're subtly getting picked on and excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in phys ed is to go after Oakley. You start to realize that everybody's out for you. When it's happening, you can say to yourself, "People are just doing this to me because they hate their life." But it still sucks. So how do you cope with it?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: This is a little bit different, but one way to make it go away is to not really react to it and honestly make fun of it. Be okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How would you do this with the leg example?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Agree with them. They're like, "Oh, your legs are stupid." And you're like, "Yeah, they do kind of look stupid. I know. It's funny, isn't it?" Which makes them feel a little weird because they were expecting you to be like, "Oh my God, this is so bad." But if you joke about it with them, then they're kind of like, "Oh, what?" They don't really care. It doesn't go anywhere.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right. And then they're like, "I can't do anything to this person if they're not going to react in the way that I want them to." What would you advise the adult in that kid's life, like the parent that's writing in this question? How, as a parent, can I support you?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I think as a parent, your first thought is to reach out to the parents and make sure you tell them that their kid is being a horrible person. Don't do that. Never do that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Never do what?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Never reach out to the bully's parent or the school or anything. For a middle schooler or even a high schooler, the last thing they want is for their parent to be getting involved in their social issue. For the kid to come up to them the next day, their bully to come up to them and be like, "Your parents just wrote mine." Instead of being rude to you, you're the worst. That would be end all horrible.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But there are definitely exceptions.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Exceptions when it's racist, discriminatory, when they're saying dangerous stuff, when you're starting to feel depressed, when you feel like you can't handle it. Then you have to tell.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes, 100%. Then you have to do something.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I'm talking about the little stuff. What you can do as a parent is you can be there for your kid. You can reach out. You can say, "What can I do?" You have to keep asking your kid what you can do because everybody's different. Everybody needs something different. To show your kid that you are there for them is huge. Just every day saying, "Hey, how was your day today? What can I do to support you?" Things like that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another thing you could do is you could rehearse comebacks.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, that's so good.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's so good. Didn't we do that once?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I love that. I bet we probably did.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I love that. Like, "What are you going to say if you walk into that school and they do blah, blah, blah? What are you going to say?"
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, that's good. That's really good. Because then it also makes fun of it. Then they're like, "Oh, maybe they will pick on me today and I could use my comeback." That is really good. Definitely do that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm also gathering that it is important to talk about this with your parents.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Even if it's the little shit.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your message to parents is don't get yourself involved in the little shit. If it starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling depressed, things like that, then you should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents. You want to do something. But if it's little stuff, name calling, teasing, just make fun out of it, basically. Or help your kid figure out what your kid needs.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: All right. I'm loving these questions, Mom.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think we should probably jump into ads for a minute.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That sounds like a good idea.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Everybody, let's hear a word from our sponsors. Do not go anywhere. We have so many more of your questions answered when we come back. Stay with us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Welcome back, everybody. I hope you enjoyed the ads you just listened to. They're the reason we have this show.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, Oak. Let's keep going with the questions here.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Let's do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. What do teens need from their parents? What reminders? What role should we be playing?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Actually, last night I was at my school presenting parent tips to a bunch of parents.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Why were you doing that?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I'm a senior mentor at my school. Basically, I'm assigned a group of first years who I look over and I can help with social issues or academic issues and things like that. I was asked by the school to come in last night and give a presentation to parents, just saying, "Here's some tips for your new high school ninth graders."
--:-- Mel Robbins: So the freshmen.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Freshmen. You don't call them freshmen.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What do you call them?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: First years.
--:-- Mel Robbins: First years. Okay.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: After my presentation, our headmaster got up and he gave a speech. What he said is that when you have a kid, you are a coach. Coaches never play in the game. They can give advice and they can watch, but they cannot get on the field. I'm blanking on what the question was, but that's the role of a parent. You can give advice, you can cheer, you can watch, you can support, but you can never step on the field. You can't play for your kid. You're just there for them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Specifically, what are some of the things that every young adult and teenager needs to hear from the adults in their life or from their parents?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That you're proud of them.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's huge. That you love them. That's also very big. You're there for them to support them. They want to hear that you like their friends. That's really important, that you're friends with people that they enjoy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But what if you don't like their friends?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I would still want to act in a way as if I did.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I know that if you felt like I didn't like your friends or I was judgmental of your friends, you wouldn't bring them around.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And if you're not here with your friends, I don't have eyes on you and your friends and I don't know your friends.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It's important that I get a chance to know who you're hanging out with. The only way that's going to happen is if you and your friends feel comfortable coming over to our house. If I'm judgy of them, they're not going to feel comfortable coming here. If you think I don't like them, they're not going to feel comfortable. The other piece is how could you possibly know if you like somebody if you haven't actually tried to get to know them?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Definitely try to get to know your kids' friends. Have conversations with them. Invite them. If they're spending the night, invite them to dinner with you. Do all that to get to know your friends because they're a huge part of your kid's life. Actually, there's a landmark study that came out that said 97% of your child's success as a young adult is based on the five friends they hang out with. I think that's true. Your only access point to change your child's friend group or to have an impact on them is to make them feel welcome so you get to know them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's another one. What do you like to do, Oak, when you first get home from school?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: School bell rings, jump in the car, turn on some music, drive home, having a good time. Pull in the driveway, open the door, dogs come running at me. I'm like, "What's up, guys?" I give them a little pet. Walk around. You might be working. So I sometimes don't come up here. Sometimes I do. I just like see who's busy to be like, "I'm home. I'm here."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Would you like us to be like, "What up, Oak?"
--:-- Oakley Robbins: An enthusiastic greeting is always lovely. I always appreciate that. Then, if I'm hungry, I'll make myself a snack. But nine times out of ten, what I'll most likely do is just go up to my room after I've said hello and hang out there for 10, 20 minutes. Just get my bearings, decompress. I just had a full day of studying. Now I'm just hanging out at home. Then depending on what I need to get done, I'll get up and go do that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's another one. My son is 14 and does not have a cell phone. Am I hurting him or helping him?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I'm going to say helping him.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: For sure. Everyone, including myself, we are consumed by our technology. You hear it everywhere. You think it's cliché, but I fully agree with the fact that it practically runs our life. The later your child gets a phone, it's not going to hurt them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But what about the bullying? Like you got a first year student that rolls into high school.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: He's not going to appreciate it in the moment. When he's there, he's going to be like, "Man, I wish I had a phone." Honestly, people wouldn't bully him for not having a phone. That's not something that people really get bullied for. It's more of just like, honestly, you as a parent might get bullied by the kids because your son doesn't have a phone. But your kid might be like, "Oh, I want a phone so bad." But there's so much more to life than your phone. To appreciate that when you're younger is super important.
--:-- Mel Robbins: At what age would you say?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Probably 16. Once you're allowed to have a car, I feel like you're probably allowed to get a phone as well.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now I'm playing the worried parent because I'm feeling this anxiety. Like, okay, but I'm running late and I need to reach you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Get them a flip phone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, so a flip phone's cool. You're talking a smartphone.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, I mean like an iPhone, Android, something like that that can access the internet.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So you're just talking a flip phone so you can text your kid. That is fine.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. But you do not need a full-on smartphone. Everyone's going to have one. I bet your kid probably has an Xbox or a computer or something that they can also access and connect with their friends on. So it's not the end of the world if they don't have a smartphone until they're like 16.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's a question. Mom of a 17-year-old senior, she has no clue what she wants to study in college yet.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That is totally fine. I say to my friends and whoever asks that I want to study psychology. I've actually never taken the class before.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Why do you want to study psychology?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because you kind of work in that field. You work in the wellness field of psychology. I think it would be interesting to learn more about the human brain and things like that. I actually am taking the class now, but I haven't taken it before. I came up with the idea to major in psychology way before I started the class. It's totally fine. Even when you get to college, I'm pretty sure you don't need to pick your major yet. You may hear people say, "Oh, I already know my major." It sounds like everybody does, but not a lot of people do. Nobody really knows what's going on.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What do you eat for breakfast?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: What do I eat for breakfast?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. Listener wants to know.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Really?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. That's a question right there.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, I love you. Well, I just love to keep things fun. It's serious, but you have to have a little fun. My answer is a trick question because I don't eat breakfast.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You don't eat breakfast?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No. I wake up in the morning and my one thought is get out the door, get in the shower, get out the door, go, go. Sometimes maybe I'll grab an apple or a banana on a good day, maybe a protein shake, but that's rare.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If I had breakfast ready?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, because nine times out of ten, I wouldn't eat it. My stomach kind of hurts in the morning sometimes and I just don't really feel like eating. I wouldn't want the food to go to waste.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, that's why. I used to make you breakfast and then you stopped wanting it because you said your stomach was hurting. So I just got in a habit of not doing it. But I'd be happy to make you a protein shake.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, I'm totally fine with you not. It's all good.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe we get back into that rhythm. I might take a protein shake in the morning. Or a bagel. I know I've thrown a bagel wrapped in foil.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I love a good bagel wrapped in foil.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We can make some changes.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: But sometimes it might not work. Sometimes it might be like, "Get this away from me."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. Get out of here.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And we know from answers earlier that when your child is angry, just give them the space.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Exactly. Okay. Listener wants to know, oh, this is actually a high school student.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, let's go.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How can I be confident in class and participate more?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's good. Is it important to? It is very important to participate in class. One, it shows your teachers you're paying attention. Two, I think when I participate in class, it also helps me feel like I am paying attention and getting what I need out of the class. If you are not already a senior, my one recommendation would be to take a drama class.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Those classes always go into public speaking and all that kind of stuff. If you aren't a senior and you have time, take a drama class. They will teach you how to project. They'll teach you how to be more confident. Nine times out of ten, you'll probably have a show performance that you have to do at the end of the year where you will have to stand up in front of a group of people and say a few lines. If you don't have the time to do that, I think it's important to know that when you speak in class, people aren't going to be listening for you to mess up. They're not even going to be listening half the time. Most of the time, people are probably sitting in class, dead asleep, doing their own thing, playing a game on their phone, texting a friend. They are not really present in class. For you to get what you need out of the class, I do recommend that you get your hand up and say something. The best way to get over your fear is to jump right in and do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What a fabulous suggestion. Never would have thought of that. Oakley, what are you trying to improve on this year?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, love this. What am I trying to improve on this year? I want to improve my ability to be present and appreciate where I am and be happy. I know this year is going to fly by and I'm in love with where I am. I just want to be here and keep it going.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As your mom, it's just so amazing to hear you say, "I'm in love with where I am right now."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, don't make fun of it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm not. That's a big fucking deal. Why are you in love with where you are? Because you haven't always.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I have not always loved where I have been. I love the location. We're in a beautiful mountainy state. It's gorgeous. I love my school. I love my teachers. I love the sports I play. I love my friends. I love seeing them every day. I love my family. I love coming home and seeing you guys every day. I feel like I have so much that I love and value right here at my fingertips. I would say that I'm not taking it for granted. Since I love it so much and it's moving incredibly fast.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It is moving fast. How do you encourage your kids to make friends without being pushy and them getting upset? Because we've all been in that stage where we want to be friends with people. It's not reciprocated. You get needy. Or you start to feel like they're leaving me out. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I would encourage them to sign up for after school sports clubs, get involved in things other than classes. First off, you sign up for a club that you're interested in, you'll be brought into a room of 20 other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you. Instantly, you're most likely going to make a connection. It also encourages you to go out of your way and try something new. It gives you that skill to maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. I would also encourage them to just go for it sometimes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What does that mean?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: My ninth grade experience. I didn't know anybody. I just moved from Massachusetts. If I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, "All right, I might make myself look like an idiot, but I just have to go up to this person and be like, 'Hey, what's up? What are you doing?'" I can assure you the first time I asked them to hang out, that was awkward. I was like, "So, you don't know me. Want to do something?" And they were like, "I guess." I was like, "Okay." It's also nice to reassure your kids that the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend. If they do meet somebody, let them know that they shouldn't try to hold on to them right at the beginning because they may not be the person for you. You will find your people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, that is so good.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I know.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But you know what else is good?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: What?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Our sponsors. Oh, you're right. We should take a quick break. Everybody stay with us. We'll be right back.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm here with Oakley Robbins. And we're taking your questions. All right, Oak, here's another one. "I'm in a new school where everyone seems to know each other, and it feels like alone is written on my forehead."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Okay. Well, I can assure you that alone is not written on your forehead. I can promise you that. If people are passing you in the hallway, they are not looking at you and saying, "Oh, this person has no friends. This person's so lonely. They're such a loser."
--:-- My advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is sometimes you just got to go for it. Not everything is going to be given to you. The best way to grow or to have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. I would recommend joining a club, joining a sport, but also just if you see somebody doing something in the hallway—let's say you are sitting in class and you look over to your right and someone's on their phone playing a game that you know and you really like it—just be like, "Oh, I love that game. Want to play it right now? Let's do it."
--:-- Mel Robbins: How do you handle it when somebody doesn't respond?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I wouldn't take it personally because you also never know what other people are going through. Maybe they didn't respond that morning because their dog just died and they're in a really shitty mood. Or they're just a horrible person, which, again, don't take personally because they don't hate you. They don't know you. They hate themselves.
--:-- But my advice to you is that you will meet people. You will have friends. There are people out there for you. All you have to do is take the first step and say something to anybody.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What about lunch? What about sliding up to a table and being like, "Hi, I'm new at school. Could I sit with you guys?"
--:-- Oakley Robbins: If you're new, that is the perfect way to sit with somebody that you don't know. You lead with, "Oh, I'm new. I don't know anybody. You guys looked cool." Honestly, it's kind of a compliment to them. And they'll probably say yes. And if they say no, then you know that's the friend group to avoid because that's the clique you don't want to be anywhere near.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Excellent. My son is a senior like you, Oak. Senior year. What's the best way to give him freedom, but still get him to do chores?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I'm going to lean in and pay attention to this one. When it comes to chores, I'm not the best at doing my chores. I'll be honest, I'll call myself out. You got to put your foot down sometimes. But I guess it depends on what kind of chores you're asking for. Are you controlling his life with the chores? Or is it like, "Can you empty the dishwasher every now and then?" If you're having him be your gardener every week and mow the lawn and plant your flowers and wash your windows, maybe give him a little bit of a break. Let him run free a little bit more. But if it's little things like clean your room, clean the kitchen, do the dishes—things that only take him 30 minutes—I'd say you're fine.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So how do you get them to do it though?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You just got to put your foot down. Sometimes you got to be the bad guy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, what I find with you is that getting you to remember to do it is impossible. But asking you to do it—"Hey, Oak, could you clear the table? Hey, Oak, could you feed the dogs? Hey, Oak, could you help me with this?"—it's like a right then and there thing. If it's not like, "Can you do this in an hour?" because I'm going to forget in an hour. But I do notice you're extremely amenable when I ask.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes. If you and I are face to face, we're sitting in the room and you're like, "It's five o'clock. Can you feed the dogs?" Yeah. If it's right there, they will do it. Clean the table, do the dishes. They'll do it. If you're there watching them, they're going to do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And let's say you're dealing with somebody who's got a lot of anger or grumpiness or has beef with their family. You as the parent ask them to do something and you get attitude. As a parent, where I typically want to go is, "I pay the bills."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You pulled that card a few times.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What does that feel like?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It's annoying. It's so annoying. But it's understandable. I think what's always kind of nice is you're like, "I'll help you out. I'll do it with you." When dad's like, "Can you do the dishes?" and I'm like, "Oh," and he's like, "I'll do it with you." Then it makes it feel like less of a chore and a burden.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's true. Because you're getting the help.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: So that might make them a little less angry.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the things that I try to do is say things like, "Hey, could you help me out with this? Because I got something that I need to do over here." Versus, "Dude, do the dishes. Are you going to do the fucking dishes?" That'll make him angry. But you just be like, "Hey, I really have to go do this thing right now, but if you could just do these dishes, that would be super helpful."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Great.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. This is from an 11th grader. "Anxiety is consuming me and I'm so scared."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: 11th grade. Okay. Well, I think my first thing is that you're not alone. I think a lot of people feel it. I also have anxiety and it's very scary. It can feel very consuming.
--:-- My anxiety—I'll give you a little peek into my window. When I was younger, I used to be very scared of throwing up. My anxiety morphed into this thing where even nowadays, whenever I'm anxious, I just feel as though I'm going to throw up. I never do, but I always feel like I'm going to throw up. It was very scary and I felt very alone for a lot of it. I felt very misunderstood.
--:-- My advice to you is that if it is feeling like you cannot live your life anymore, you should tell somebody. Tell a parent, tell a friend, just tell anybody. That is huge. That's the first step. Because then you're not letting it run your life. You're showing that you're in control. You can tell people what's going on.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Can I ask a question? So when you say you can't live your life, do you mean the anxiety is getting to a point where you're opting out of doing things?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes. You're managing your anxiety because you're so worried about your anxiety that you're not living your life. Your friends are all hanging out and going out to dinner and you're too anxious, so you're just like, "I don't want to be anxious. I don't want to go." And that was you. That was me. So that's when you should start telling somebody.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have two things I want to add onto that. You should seek a therapist. Therapy is great. I love therapy. I have a great therapist. And second, medication is also great. When I took medication as a kid, I was like, "I'm different from everybody. I have to take medication because I have a problem. There's something wrong with me." But there's nothing wrong with you if you take medication. Literally everybody takes medication. I take Advil—that's medication. There's nothing wrong with you if you're taking medication for anxiety. Honestly, if you're taking medication, you're going to be able to live your life better. You're going to be able to go out to that dinner with your friends. You're going to be able to go on that walk or that run. You're going to have a good time. So do what you need to do to get the anxiety under control.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. And I recommend if you don't know where to start, just tell somebody. Tell them everything. Don't leave some stuff out. Don't be like, "Hey, I'm kind of anxious every now and then." Be like, "I am anxious and it is terrifying every day."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Great. And here's the other thing: the tools and strategies that are out there actually work.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, they do work. Anxiety is a scary thing, but it's temporary. If you follow the tools and strategies that work, it is 100% temporary. You will feel better. The best feeling I can assure you is when you look back and you're like, "I was in a bottomless pit and now I'm outside and I'm looking back at it." And I'm like, "Wow, I felt that way? That's crazy." You can't even believe that you felt that bad.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you remember Mother's Day a year ago?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I remember a lot of things a year ago. I remember a lot.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When I was sobbing about the fact that we had sold our house and I was begging dad to try to get it back because I didn't want to move here.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I remember that. You three kids were here. I remember I told my friends, I was like, "Guys, we're going to move back to Massachusetts. My mom's pretty sure this time." I'm like, "You should see her." I was in a full-blown anxiety attack.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What was it like for you as a kid to see me lose it? Really have a mental health breakdown?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I think it was helpful and scary.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How is it helpful?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It's nice to know that your parents can break down. If you as a kid see your parent as this strong, super emotionally put together person, that's how you're going to see them forever. When you grow up and you see your parent break down for the first time, you're going to be like, "Oh my goodness, what?" So when I was a kid and I was young and I saw you break down, and I saw you break down again in the future, I was like, "Oh, this is just what happens. People break down. It's totally fine." I was used to it. You can't be happy all the time. Nobody's happy all the time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Life is going to be ups and downs. I think you're right. It is helpful to watch the adults in your life process things and realize that there are periods in your life where you're going to feel like you're in a bottomless pit. And then all of a sudden the clouds pass and things are sunny again. That's just part of life.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. And you don't need to share the nitty gritty with your kids. You don't need to tell them everything that's making you upset or why, but let them in. They are part of your family. They're there to support you. It's good to tell them how you're feeling and how you can be supported.
--:-- Mel Robbins: "My 14 year old son is dyslexic and feels different and dumb and shuts down instead of trying harder. Help."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I like this question because when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid, I felt the same way. I was like, "I'm so dumb. I can't read. I can't believe this. I'm dumber than everybody." And I remember you'd be like, "Well, the people on Shark Tank are dyslexic." And I was like, "Shut the fuck up. I don't care about the people on Shark Tank. They don't matter. They could be dyslexic, but they're also multimillionaires. I'm 11. What do I have? I have $2 to my name."
--:-- There's a lot of techniques and skills you can learn to make dyslexia more manageable. You are not dumb if you are dyslexic. What's actually happening is that your neural pathways take longer to form. You can have the same strong neural pathways as other people—it just takes a little bit longer to get there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Basically, your brain wiring is a little bit different. There are techniques and strategies that you can use. You basically had your dyslexia remediated because you trained your brain to wire and fire new neural pathway connections. It's called Orton-Gillingham. That is the gold standard tutoring method. So it's not about trying harder. Your brain learns differently. And because you're dyslexic, you have profoundly different talents.
--:-- I bet that you are way more creative than everybody else. I bet that you can solve problems in creative ways. I bet you are probably more talkative. I bet you have much better spatial awareness—meaning you're phenomenal at video games and at Legos and at building things. You're an incredible problem solver. Understanding that you've got these unbelievable talents that developed because other parts of your brain developed—that is a superpower. That's why so many entrepreneurs and actors and professors and people in the arts have dyslexia. By not having the neuropathways fully formed as it relates to reading and holding words in your mind and decoding words and holding pencils and being able to write, you developed other parts of your brain. That's a really cool thing.
--:-- First of all, I would say stop saying "try harder." If you have not gotten the proper tutoring protocols put in place that really help, other things really help too—like being able to listen to books instead of reading.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, I listen to books all the time. I'm not the best reader, so I'm a little slow, but listening to books is huge.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Also being able to type instead of handwrite. You can get the teacher's notes. There are all kinds of things that help. I remember it was really interesting because you're an excellent math student, but when professors or teachers require you to show your work, you basically fail because you can't explain the steps that you took to get there. Your brain has all these shortcuts.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I just can do it in my head. I write down a few numbers just to remember things, but other than that, I can't really.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you have dyslexia, you're not dumb. You're incredibly powerful in other aspects that aren't the school environment. That's perfectly fine because school is not your whole life.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I love that. Here's another one. This listener wants to know what your curfew is because she has an 18-year-old high school senior who wants to negotiate a curfew later than midnight.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: If it's later than 12:31, just stay the night. For you guys, what you tell me—it's not that you don't trust me on the road, it's you don't trust the other people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Correct. Because at 2 a.m., you don't know who's driving. You don't know how they're feeling, if they're intoxicated or not.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: So if you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, you have to be willing to sacrifice the fact that you should probably be home by midnight. If you want to be later, just spend the night at your friend's house.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Instead of curfew, I think about safety and location. Keep in mind, it really relates to where you live. We live in a rural area where there are no Ubers. I am obsessive about the driving piece because I lost a family friend to a drinking and driving accident when I was in high school. It was a really traumatic experience. So I place more emphasis on being safe and on not driving than I do on the curfew and the drinking or whatever else the kids may be doing. I want them to be safe. That's why I say midnight. Either you're going somewhere and you have to come home by midnight—and that means you're not drinking and you're not smoking, you're not doing all this shit because you're coming home and I'm going to be there—or you're going to stay overnight.
--:-- The same is true with our house. Nobody leaves our house. If you're coming to our house, I'm not policing everybody because all these kids sneak shit. But I get the keys and you're spending the night. Otherwise, you're not coming. Or your parents are picking you up.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And they respect it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: They do. You have to enforce that, though, as a parent. Do you want to be the house that all the friends come to?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, my goodness. Okay. We are the house that all our friends come to. Honestly, I love my friends to the moon and back. They love this house so much that they just show up. Sometimes without me even knowing. Sometimes I won't be here and I'll get a text and I'll be like, "Yo, where are you?" And they're like, "I'm here." And I'm like, "I didn't invite you over." And they're like, "Well, I'm here."
--:-- Mel Robbins: I feel like that's more of a question for you. For me, I always love seeing my friends and we are able to accommodate them. So of course I'd love to be the house to have them.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Do you feel any pressure or is there anything on you that everybody wants to be here?
--:-- Mel Robbins: No. All my friends have come here so much that they understand what works and what doesn't, what they can and can't do. It's gotten to a point where I don't really need to police anybody. It's really nice. I'm a sucker for sleeping in my own bed, so if all my friends are coming over, of course. But for you, it's your house.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is our third rodeo because you have two older sisters. We lived outside of Boston when they were in high school. I would have loved to have been the house. I grew up in a house that kids hung out at. Friends were constantly coming and going. We were not that house outside of Boston. We lived in a small farmhouse with a dirt basement. We didn't have a playroom or a separate room for the kids to hang out in. Our daughter Sawyer didn't want to bring her friends there. All her other friends had basements or a playroom that became the teen hangout. We never were that house. I was always missing the energy and the fun that comes when your house is the hangout house. I was really jealous of all the other families who were constantly hosting the kids.
--:-- When we moved to Southern Vermont, one of the things that I really wanted was a place for the kids to be able to hang out without me being all over them or being angry that the music's loud or that they're trashing the place. When we moved here, I'm like, "I am successful enough at this point at the age of 54 that I can afford to build a small outbuilding barn thing." I love it because I love having the kids around because they didn't have that with our other daughters. I also love it because I've gotten to know them really well. And I also love it because it keeps you here. I love having you around.
--:-- There's one tip though that I'm going to give to everybody listening. I love having all the kids here, but I'm not your fucking maid.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If I'm hosting you kids, don't turn me into your maid.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Which we don't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: No, you don't. Do not make me feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. Do not make a big mess for me to clean up. I have sat all of Oakley's friends down. I've made it very clear: you're welcome here all the time. I have two rules. You need to leave this barn the way you found it—the trash in the trash, the counters wiped down, the shit put away that you pulled out—and you have to make the bunk beds. It's a religious thing. Every morning after we wake up, we're just like, "All right, make the bed." There's photos in the bunk. Tell them what I did.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: She actually did sit everybody down. I actually fully recommend that. Before I go on, I would like to say one thing about the "do you want the house" question. If you're not the type of person that doesn't want a bunch of kids running around your house, you don't have to be the house. If you want that and you can have it, go for it. It's so much fun, fully recommended. But if you don't want it, don't do it. It's not the end of the world.
--:-- To go on, you sat everybody down, you talked to them. If you're worried that the kids are going to think you're the bad guy or you're evil, they understand that it's your house and you have a few rules. My friends are totally fine with it. My mom printed out a step-by-step photo thing that's in the bunk room still. We don't even need to look at it anymore because we know it by heart, but it's like, we wake up, make the beds, clean the room. It never takes that long. It's always good. You'd think they're interior designers. They set the pillows up perfectly. It's great.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what I love about it? First of all, when you have that talk ahead of time, I think teenagers and young adults respect you because you're respecting them. Secondly, they know what's being asked of them. So it's not a situation where they're having a party and you stomp in there and start screaming at people, which I've also done.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You have done that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also think when you say, "This is how you can be successful at my house," people want to do something to say thank you. I feel like I earned more respect and your friends know how to be respectful in a way that I care about because of that.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. And your kids will be mortified when you do it, but do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: They'll be mortified, do it anyway.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Also one more thing: don't make your kid do it. If you're making your kid be like, "Guys, my mom wants you to make the beds," they're not going to do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Oh, I know we're going to get bombarded with even more questions after this. So we're going to do a part two because, dude, I'm only halfway through my stack and I know we're going to be bombarded with more. So you down for part two?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I'm down for part two, part three, part four. Let's go.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's go. I'm getting a lot out of this, actually.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I am, too. I'm loving this. I love the questions everyone's asking.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I am, too. Thank you for all your questions, everybody. How do you get your son or daughter to listen to this?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Three things. One, trap them in the car. You're like going somewhere, or be like, "Turn this on. Let's listen to this." Two, maybe they don't want to listen to a full hour. So find a 10-minute segment that you really like and just be like, "Can you listen to this 10-minute segment with me? I think you'd take something out of it. It relates to something that I think you might be going through." Three, just say that there's a kid who's close to their age talking in it and voicing his concerns and stuff.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Awesome. I love that. Another piece of great advice, Oak. Thank you. You're so wise. You must get it from your dad.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I think so. I think so too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Well, in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you I love you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I love you too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I believe in you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I believe in you as well.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I do too. Now go do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes, you should. All right. We'll talk to you in a few days. Bye guys.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Bye.
--:-- [Outtakes and banter]
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think you should do... Is the audio recording? Oh wow. We're in. We're in. It's happening. I'm going to be doing this the whole time. Don't you dare. Give me one good clap now. You want to do it? Go for it. You go for it. It's all you. I know you want to do it. Go ahead. Okay, ready? Oh goodness. Sorry, I need to like burp. Okay, perfect. Oh, perfect. Okay, thank you. Oh, and this one right here. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'll make sure to keep my hand away. Oh, that is so good. What that answer? What answer? The one that you just gave to what I'm teeing you up to go into the ad break. Wait.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
