--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Hey, it's your buddy Mel, and you know, I just had to get on the mic today and respond to what I'm seeing in the inbox and the comments online, because there's a lot going on in the world right now. I mean, more than ever, it kind of feels that there's just so much that's not fair, whether your house just burned down or your health insurance claim got denied or you were rejected from your dream school, you're worried about politics or maybe you got screwed over in the divorce, companies laying people off and outsourcing all these jobs to AI. I'm here to tell you, it's true. Life isn't fair. You're right. And since I'm seeing so many of you write in and you're experiencing situations in your life that just feel so unfair, I wanted to address it today. Because the worst thing that you could do is succumb to despair. I do not want you to consume yourself with worry and then start to get yourself feeling paralyzed and powerless because you're not. Today, we're going to talk about it. And I'm going to give you four things that you can do in these moments where life is overwhelming, and honestly, it just isn't fair. You don't deserve this, but there is always something you can do. Always. It is always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you. And if you're brand new, I just wanted to personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm absolutely thrilled that you're here. And because you hit play and you made the time to listen to this particular episode, it tells me something about you. I know you're the type of person, you value your time, and you've made the time to listen to this because you're looking to feel a little bit better right now. And I'm going to tell you, today's conversation and by the time that you're done listening to this, it is the perfect thing for you to listen to at this exact moment in time, and you will feel better. Because based on what I'm seeing in the inbox, the headlines, the news, and the DMs that you are sending me from all over the world, I just felt in my heart that today we had to have a conversation. I need to be honest with you about something. And it's something that people don't like to talk about, but we need to. Life isn't fair. There, I said it. Life isn't fair, especially right now. I mean, so much of life right now feels backwards or wrong and out of control, overwhelming. It's not fair that you lost your house or that your dad died or that the polar ice caps are melting or that big tech is now suddenly taking over the world or that corporations get bailed out left and right and don't seem to pay taxes, but you can barely pay yours, or that you were born diabetic, or that you're the one who is always caring for your aging parents or your young kids, and you're doing it alone. And that's just the big stuff about life that's not fair. It's also not fair that your skin is breaking out, or that your sister looks like a supermodel, or that your parents favor your brother, or that your friend is pregnant and you just had another miscarriage, or that the housing market is so insane that you can't find a house or an apartment to buy and you can't afford one. And you know, it's kind of liberating, isn't it? To just say the truth out loud. It's not fair. So for whatever it is that you feel is cruel or it's unfair or you don't deserve it, I want to validate that. Because ignoring it isn't working. Feeling bad about it isn't working. I mean, letting it paralyze you or make you anxious or demoralize you? Is that working? Of course not. I just want to call it out. I want to validate it. In fact, why don't you say it with me? Scream it if you want. Life isn't fair. God, it feels so good to just say it, doesn't it? So what are we going to do about it? Well, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do about it. I am going to walk you through four things that you can do in these moments where life is overwhelming, and honestly, it just isn't fair. You don't deserve this, but there is always something you can do. Always.
--:-- [Break for sponsors]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so glad you're still here. It is so important to talk about those moments where life is unfair. And you're probably going through one like that right now because life does seem unfair. But there are things you can do. And so let's get back into what you can do about it. I love this step of giving yourself a deadline and creating the space and the grace that you need to be able to process what you're feeling because it reminds me of this powerful research from the amazing Dr. Lisa DeMor. She's a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and she said something to me once that altered the way that I look at life. She said that in life, when you're going through a really difficult situation, if you feel sad or overwhelmed or depressed or you're grieving, that's a sign that you're mentally healthy. I mean, just stop and think about that. Isn't it a mentally healthy response to an unfair or cruel situation in life to feel depressed or overwhelmed or anxious? Of course it is. When you lose somebody that you love, it is a mentally healthy response to be in a depressive state. It's a sign that your mind and body are working well. If you have somebody break up with you, of course you're going to be sad and overwhelmed and lost. That's a sign that everything is working as it should. It's a sign that you cared. It's a sign that you are feeling things. That's a good thing. You don't need to be scared of these emotions. You don't need to run away from them because it's a sign that you're reacting to something that's unfair or cruel in a healthy and appropriate way. As she says, do the emotions and feelings match the situation? And so if you're facing something unfair, you need time to grieve. You need time to be upset. You deserve to be angry about it. And you have to give yourself the time to feel those emotions or else you're going to be in trouble. And I'm telling you this not because this is my opinion. I'm telling you this because I found a research study and I want to share the science with you about why it's so important to give yourself this defined moment where you go, okay, I am going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel. After 9-11, researchers at UC Irvine did a study on how people across the United States were coping with the trauma of this mass tragedy. And they found that even six months after the attack, so many people were still experiencing heightened anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms. Of course they were. But what made a big difference, though, was how people coped with those feelings immediately after the 9-11 attack. See, the people who took active steps to manage their emotions, like seeking support, planning ways to move forward, and finding ways to process what happened, they were able to heal much faster. And that last piece, finding ways to process what happened, that's what we're doing by setting a deadline. You're actually intentionally in time saying, I have to find ways to process what happened. So I'm going to give myself this defined space to do it. And it's so important because check out what happened to the people who didn't give themselves the space and the grace to process what happened. Well, they found the worst thing that you could do, like the worst thing was to shove the emotions down, to just try to move on, to deny yourself the time to feel the emotions, to try to distract yourself, to get back to work, to just kind of pull up your big girl panties and move on, to kind of give up. You want to know what happened to the people who did that, who didn't give the space to manage and process these emotions? They were still experiencing PTSD and anxiety symptoms months and years after 9-11. See, your emotions and feelings and all that stored tension, it doesn't go anywhere. If you shove it down, it just builds up. That's why if you're in a situation where life is unfair or something cruel has just happened or you're overwhelmed or you're just feeling like you can't catch a break, you have to give yourself time to feel what you need to feel. And that's exactly why step one is give it a deadline because it creates the space for you to do what you need to do, to not run from these emotions, but to acknowledge them and to acknowledge them and say, wow, I'm actually mentally healthy because I'm responding to this overwhelming situation with these overwhelming feelings. And managing your emotions by seeking support, processing what happened, planning ways to move forward, that's what's going to allow you to move forward. Because it's not time that actually heals. It's what you do with that time that matters. And that's what we're talking about. So let's first create the time because I'm not just suggesting that you do it. I am telling you this is what the science and the research says and I want you to benefit from it. And I know you're thinking, Mel, how do I even know how long I need to give myself? Well, the answer is it depends on you and it depends on the situation that you're in and it depends on like the emotions that you're feeling. And I don't really care as much about how long the deadline needs to be or what the exact date is, that's not really what matters. What truly matters is the intentional act of acknowledging this is unfair and cruel, and then acknowledging that you have appropriate feelings. Of course you would in response to this. And then acknowledging that you need the space, and you need some time to allow those feelings to rise and fall, to allow yourself the time to process what you actually are going through. And I want to give you some just kind of rules of thumb or some of the research from what the experts say. Like for example, when I was researching the let them theory and I was talking to a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists, the research shows that after somebody breaks up with you, it takes people about 11 weeks before they start feeling better. And we also know that grief, after you lose somebody that you love or you lose the home that you have lived in forever, that it can take anywhere from six months to two years before you can start to settle into a new normal. And the advice that I've always heard after somebody that you love dies is make no changes for one year. Now, these are just rules of thumb. These are what the experts in the research sort of advise for the kinds of situations that feel so unfair and that can feel cruel. And yeah, it may take you a little longer than 11 weeks. It might take you a little less but you need to give yourself a date. And the other thing that I love about setting a date is that it's a sign to you in a calendar that this is not gonna take over your life because it doesn't have to. What I'm recommending is something else. I'm recommending that you give yourself permission and you also set this date so you know this chapter ends, this scene is going to be over, the movie is going to go on, and you are going to be okay that there is an end to this. But while we're in it, let's be in it. Let's play the sad songs. Let's be in a depressive state. Let's live in our pajamas. Let's cry. Let's wallow. Give yourself permission, if you have to, to scream into that pillow. It's not fair. Do what you need to do to feel the emotions and let them come and let them go because I promise you that deadline's going to come. And if you gave yourself this space and this grace, you, my friend, are going to be in a very different place. And by the way I've been talking about these big heartbreaking gut-wrenching things but let's talk about some of the stuff that we tend to beat ourselves up over that aren't fair that you've been doing for years and years and years like you beat yourself up over your height or your body or the way your face looks or you know your complexion you've already been grieving the state of things for years you've already made yourself feel bad and put yourself down and been invalidating yourself. So if the unfair thing is something that you've been living with for a long time, your friend Mel Robbins has a recommendation. How about the deadline be 5 p.m. today? Because the wallowing has been going on for long enough and it is time to move on. And the wallowing we know is no longer helping you change this situation. It's not making a positive dent in the situation. It just makes you feel bad. It's chipped away at your confidence. It's made you feel disempowered. And the deadline I want you to give yourself is tonight at 5 p.m. Because this scene in the movie, it's over. And that brings me to step number two, which may seem simple. In fact, it might even seem a little stupid or obvious, but it's the most crucial. And a lot of people miss it. Because if you don't do this step, you will never be able to move forward. And you're going to get trapped in this scene. And it's this: You have to accept what has happened. You need to accept reality. And you may be thinking right now, wait a minute, Mel, I mean, I just did. Weren't you and I just shouting life isn't fair? Yeah, we were. But you're probably still deep down wishing things were different. See, when you wish things were different, you're resisting reality. It's one thing to accept the fact life isn't fair, this is cruel, I don't deserve this. It's a whole nother ballgame to accept that this is what has happened and it's not changing. And the longer that you hold on to the wish that this didn't happen or that things were different or that somehow the situation wasn't what it was or you weren't in the position that you're in, the longer you prolong your own suffering. I mean, most of human suffering, our internal pain, our anguish, it comes from the desire to have things be different than how they are. I mean, this is philosophies that date back into the beginning of human history, whether it's Stoicism or Buddhism, this notion of learning how to accept the things you cannot control. You know, there's one quote I love from the poet Rumi, "Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you." Honestly, that's the let them part of my theory. Let them is when you accept things as they are and as they're not. Let them is when you let life live through you. And to me, what that means is that life is always teaching you something, life is always moving forward even when you refuse to. [Break for sponsors]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with me. This is such an important topic. Thank you for sharing this message with the people that you care about. We've been talking about the steps that you can take in those moments where life feels overwhelming. And the next thing I want to share with you is sometimes the most important lessons from life come in the cruelest ways. And the deepest wisdom comes through the most painful experiences. I mean, for myself, I can look back and say certainly about my life that it's always in those moments that I got the worst news, that I've ultimately discovered the best things about myself. Now, I didn't want to have to learn them that way, but it's true. And somehow learning how to accept a new reality, you're going to discover something that life is going to move through you because the truth is you're already in the new reality. The relationship is over. The house is burned down. The person's gone. The diagnosis is here. The acne is on your face. You've been laid off again. Cancer is back. Your bank account, it's still in the red. Wishing it were different doesn't make it different. It just makes the present moment more painful. And you feel all this tension because you're just resisting it. You got to learn how to let it move through you. And look, I'm not saying this is easy. When life hands you a poop sandwich, you feel like you're supposed to choke it down. Well, here's what I think this poem means. Let life live through you. It's sort of peaceful, isn't it? You can feel yourself drop the resistance because what that line is actually saying is that when life hands you a poop sandwich, you don't have to shove it down your throat. You could just put it down on the plate beside you and move on. Yes, it's there and life just served it up to you, but you don't have to carry it. You can accept that life just handed you this poop sandwich and now you're sitting right next to it. And this is the scene of your life. But it's only until you can do that and truly allow it to move through you that your life will start to move forward too. So how do you move on? Well, that brings me to the next step, which is asking yourself, as I'm sitting here next to this poop sandwich, what is in my control and what is not in my control? And when you're feeling really upset about where you're at, it feels like everything's out of your control, and these next two steps are going to put a spotlight on all of the amazing things that are actually in your control. And so let's talk about them one by one. The first one is making a plan. And the second thing that's in your control is finding meaning. One of the things that's so challenging about being in a situation where life is really unfair is that you can get yourself so paralyzed in your mind by how unfair and overwhelming it all seems that you blind yourself to the fact that there's almost always something you can do. In almost any situation, if you're sitting there next to a shit sandwich, there is something you can do through your actions to actually make the situation better. Whether you've lost your job, you can find a new one. If you're in the red, I've been there, you can learn the skills of how you actually become more responsible with money and you can start to chip away at your debt. In fact, there is so much information out in the world today that you are fully equipped in this super amazing way to simply go to the internet and don't type in life isn't fair. I want you to type in the situation that you're in. The cancer just came back. My marriage just ended. And then ask, what should I do? And you want to know what's going to come up? Like a bazillion videos and podcast episodes and books and blog articles all about people who have been in this situation sitting next to this shit sandwich who figured it out. And by watching those videos and by reading those articles and checking out those books at the library or hopping onto YouTube, you can make a plan. And here's one more hack that I think is absolutely incredible. Go to ChatGPT and literally write in there, act like the world's best life coach and tell me exactly what I should do if I'm in a situation where XYZ happened and I feel it's very unfair and I feel hopeless and powerless. Tell me exactly what to do. Create a plan every day for the next 30 days and give me the five things I need to do every day in order to change this situation. ChatGPT will spit out your plan in a nanosecond and you want to know what? It's going to work. And one of the reasons why I'm telling you this is because it is very dangerous to allow yourself to stay in that state next to that shit sandwich, convincing yourself you have no choice but to eat it. It's not true. There is almost always a plan that you can make. 99.9% of the time. And I am 1000% convinced because of the work that I do and because of how many people I interact with every single day, I am 1000% convinced there is a person in this world that has been in a situation and even been in a situation way worse, who has figured it out. They have made a plan and through their actions and their attitude and the space and time they gave themselves to process their emotions and accept the reality and let life move through them, they have made the situation better. And that means so can you. I refuse to believe that you are not capable of meeting this moment in your life. In fact, I believe the opposite. I believe you have within you the ability and the capacity to make this situation better, to make yourself better. There is something you can do. There always is something that you can do. And I also gave you this beautiful hack using ChatGPT for free to give yourself a plan and empower yourself. But what I've noticed over time, and this really troubles me, is that it's not your capacity and your capability that is stopping you. It's your attitude. See, if you allow yourself to get into the hole of despair, you won't do anything because when you have despair and you continue to tell yourself that you're never going to get out of this or nothing is going to ever make a dent or this is just too big and too much, you lose hope. And without the hope that things are going to change, you don't do the little things that I'm sharing with you right now that actually do change your life and this situation for the better. That's why this matters. And so the third step is as you're sitting there and you've shouted life isn't fair, and then you've accepted that life has handed you this poop sandwich, and now you've put it down on the plate and you say, let them. I'm going to let life move through me. This is what life has handed me. I am not going to choke it down. I'm going to put it there and see it. I'm going to recognize that this worst experience is going to bring out some of the best things in me. I'm going to trust in that. Now I'm going to make a plan because I do see that there is something that I can do. And I'm going to use ChatGPT to do all the work for me because I am going to do the work following the plan. So I don't need to come up with a plan; I mean, that is so cool. Do you know how much luckier you and I are than people 10 years ago that we can do this? We can empower ourselves this way. But I want to leave you with a fourth step because this is going to really fuel your ability to move forward. And this fourth step is find meaning. In these moments where life is unfair or things seem out of control or cruel, I want to remind you of a truth about life. And that is the power of your attitude. That is always in your control. And whenever I'm in a situation where I just feel like things are so unfair or I start to doubt my ability to meet the moment that I'm in, I think about a book that has had probably the single biggest difference in my life. And it's a book you may be familiar with. It's *Man's Search for Meaning*. The author is Viktor Frankl, and Frankl was a psychiatrist who endured one of the cruelest and most traumatic and horrific situations a human being could ever experience. In the 1930s, Frankl was cast into the Nazi network of concentration and extermination camps. He went to four of them, and miraculously, he survived. And in the book, he details the accounts of his survival and how he did it and how he kept himself alive and he kept hope alive by summoning up thoughts of his wife and the prospect that he might see her again, that they would be reunited. I mean, the scenes where he's explaining this are just riveting. And he would also keep hope alive by dreaming that at one point, way after the war, he would be lecturing about the psychological lessons to be learned from Auschwitz. Well, his wife, his family members, they did not survive, but he did. And when he was freed, he wrote *Man's Search for Meaning*, which is one of the most important books in my life and arguably one of the greatest books of all time. And the copy that I'm holding in my hand right now, it says that more than 15 million copies of it are in print. And this copy of mine is pretty old, so I would imagine there's millions more in print right now. Now, the biggest impact that this book has had on me is perhaps Frankl's most important insight after this horrific experience. And it's this: that there are always going to be forces beyond your control that can take away everything from you except for your ability to choose how you want to respond to the situation. See, you're not in control of what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you feel, do, think, say about what happens to you. This is what we've been talking about with let them and let me. It's not a new idea, but it is a life-changing idea. And I want to read to you one of my favorite quotes from this book. "Everything can be taken from a man, but one thing, the last of the human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." And he goes on to write, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." That is where your power is. No matter how unfair life may seem, no matter how cruel or overwhelming the situation may be, you have the power because you can change yourself. You are free to choose your attitude in any given set of circumstances, and you are also free to choose what you do or don't do in response. And so no matter what you're facing, I need you to hear this. The four steps that we talked about, the first one is life isn't fair. Say it out loud. Set a deadline and give yourself the space and the grace to feel what you need to feel. Second, accept that this is what your life is, try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. In the Mel Robbins world, that means when life hands you a poop sandwich, don't choke it down. Let it go right back down on the plate. Third, there's always something that you can do because you can choose how you respond to this. And so the third thing that you're going to do is you're going to make a plan. And I gave you the perfect, modern, amazing hack to be able to do it. Just go to the computer, go to Google, go to ChatGPT, put in the prompt, tell them what's not fair, ask them to give you a 30-day, step-by-step, day-by-day plan of what you need to do. Boom, you got your plan. And based on the research that you learned about from UC Irvine, we know that these are the steps that work. And finally, this fourth step, don't forget that when you are no longer able to change the situation, and I'm going to remind you, 99.9% of the situations you're in, you absolutely, through your actions and that plan, you can change it for the better. But if you're not able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourselves. And in any situation, it is your attitude. That is your power. And that's what you get to choose. And I also want to remind you that that matters. Because when you have an attitude of hope, when you can see beyond the deadline, beyond this scene of your life, you are now anchoring on a better future. And you know that taking the actions and changing your attitude and following these steps matter, because this is not how the movie ends. It is just one scene in your absolutely amazing, magnificent and yet sometimes cruel and unfair life. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I'm proud of you for hitting play on this episode. I'm proud of you for recognizing that while you may be here, you're not staying here because you're not meant to stay here. And there's no doubt in my mind that everything that you learned is going to help you create a better life. Now go do it. And just know that your friend Mel is going to be waiting for you to welcome you back the second you hit play on the very next episode. And I'll see you there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: [To someone off-mic] Okay, here we go. Here we go. I got it. What does he have? Oh my God. He's got a matcha for me. I love you. Thanks, honey. Oh my God. Hot matcha. Okay. Oh, it's going to feel so good. And it matches the book. Oh my God. Let me just take a sip. I'm sorry, guys. Great. Thanks guys. Wish me luck. I'm terrified. Okay. Wait, hold on. And we had, okay, great. Great job. Sorry. That was so like, ah, but that, that, uh, I would have been way better prepared. Have we not been number one? Oh, and one more thing.
--:-- [Legal disclaimer]
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
--:-- [End of transcript]
