A Clown Is Not An Alibi

Hello, Matthew. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello, Matthew. Thanks for having me. It's nice to be had. Hi, Matthew. Conan here, and very nice to meet you. G'day, Conan. Good to meet you, too. Okay, I'm guessing from your accent that you're from Cincinnati. Yeah, downtown Moscow So exactly where are you right now in Australia? We're in Brisbane at the moment Okay, so lovely country I love your people I've always had a wonderful time there And I'm excited that you're here Tell us a little bit about yourself, Matthew What do I need to know about one Matthew D. Goldie? Yep, well, what do you need to know about me? Um, I am a circus clown. I guess we'll start there. That would be the best place to start. Wow. Very cool. And are you, where are you? I mean, you're, you're a circus clown in Brisbane. Is that where your circus is? The circus is in Brisbane at the moment, but we travel all over the country. But at the moment we're in Brisbane. Okay. And are you in, it looks like you're in a little compartment right now, maybe even in a large steamer trunk. are you in one of those circus wagons right now yeah basically that's right so i i used to have a big 30 foot caravan behind me and this was my truck that was basically our laundry and a little spare bedroom but uh my family have left they ran away from the circus uh six months ago so now i just live in my little truck it's about a 2.5 by 2.5 meter space okay And I've got everything I need in here. And yeah, this is my little home on wheels. Okay. I just want to make sure you said your family left you. Did they leave you, leave you? Or did they just, they'll see, you'll see them again soon. I mean, there's nothing acrimonious here. Yes. Because it sounded dramatic for a second. No, no, I see them. And you said, I've got everything I need. And I'm like, well, your family's gone, dude. Yes, that's true. I've got everything I need except my family. Yeah. know that my daughter wanted to run away from the circus and go to school. She wanted to. She's decided to. Oh, my God. I want to be a neurologist. I know. You crazy kid. You'll wear a red nose and like it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a million kids around the world. What are you talking about? But she's doing it the other way around. I have so many questions for you, Matthew. First of all, how does one become a circus clown in the first place? How did this happen? My sister was a dancer and she got a job with the circus when I was a kid. And then one day I came home from school and there was a job opening for my parents. And I came home from school and my mom said, we're selling the house and we're running away to join the circus. Oh, my God. That's what I wished happened when I was a kid. And it didn't. Yeah. So then I had to be a freak on my own. You worked it out just fine. I did work it out. I've been watching. What jobs did your parents do in the circus? My mom worked in the canteen. There's always jobs around the circus that aren't performing. And my dad would take tickets at the door and seat people. And they would cook for the tent hands and jobs around the place. And my sister became a trapeze artist. And I became a clown. So tell us a little bit about, first of all, did you know that clown was right for you? Did you think about, oh, I could be a strong man. I could be the bearded lady. Or did you know that, what drew you to being a clown? I just found myself watching the clowns. I didn't even know I was doing that, but that's what I was watching and taking in and watching and taking in. And so when it got time to perform, that's what I started doing. And tell us a little bit about your clown character. You have to find who your clown is. What is your clown like? Yes. What's your clown's name? The clown's name is Goldie the Clown, which is a ridiculous name for a clown. But because my last name is Matthew DeGoldie, my mum, I said, I want to be Buttons or Patches or Mr. Stinky Pants. But she said, but it's worked. You know, it's a good name for a goldfish. It's a good name for a golden retriever. Yeah. It's a stupid name for a clown. Yeah. I don't think so. I think it's much better than Mr. Stinky Pants. I think that would have Signing that on a check would have followed you forever It would have hurt love life really terribly Try getting a table at a restaurant Yeah The name Stinky Pants Matthew Stinky Pants. So that's your name. Tell us a little bit about your persona, your look. That's what we want to know about. It's a happy August clown character, the style is called. And I'm the classic clown. I haven't pushed away from, which a lot of clowns have been doing in the last 30 years, because of the scary clown movies and all that stuff that's happened. But I've got the hoopy pants, the big shoes, the big red nose, the red wig. Oh, the classic. I'm sticking with that. You're a clown classic. I'm sticking with clown classic and I'm not going to change it. I also think that it's good to get the message out that not all clowns kill. Most do, but not all do. Well, we don't know. We were only five minutes into this interview. Yeah, and you do look like you're hiding right now. I know. They couldn't prove anything. I had an alibi every time. So this is good. You've got. Do you do all the makeup and stuff? Yeah, face paint. You do face paint. So I prefer to, thank you. Yeah, ladies wear makeup, clowns wear face paint. That's how I just. Oh my God. All right. What about lady clowns? Yeah. And by the way, I wear makeup, not now, but I wear it all the time and I love it. Sorry, I didn't mean to demasculate you. Yeah. You just clown shamed me. so uh so this is good this is good i like this you're so you've been working as a clown for many years and then you you find your your wife you have some kids and you get them into the act too is that right yeah my son's a clown with me and and my wife was the ringmaster with the circus and my daughter performed for a little while but then she didn't want to do that that's not her She's like the Marilyn in our monsters. She wants to be just normal. And by the way, I love that reference. Yeah, I love that reference. You just alienated all of our younger listeners. But yes, yes, you're the normal one. Three generations of your family have worked at the circus. Is that right? No, no, we were the first generation. No, I mean, your family, your parents, you and your children, right? Well, that's true. That's right. You are. I hadn't even thought about it. That's right. You haven't thought about it. He just said, Matt just said exactly what you are. He's like, you're sort of like a clown in Brisbane, Australia. And you went, no, no, no. And you put it that way. I'm a clown, so I don't think much. Nepo babies. What is... Circus Nepo babies. Yeah, you're just a clown because your dad was a clown. You're not talented. Yeah. um so uh what is the life cycle of a clown in a year are you working is there a season to clowning um i mean i clown 24 7 365 but i don't know what i don't know what you're you're like the old school uh hardcore um you know real thing what's it like is there a downtime for clowns yes after the show and before, like we do 360 or so shows a year. Oh, wow. I've been doing it now for 35, nearly 35 years. I was in the theme park for many years, so I developed my character there. Respect. Like street performing, improvising, joking around with people, and that's where you started to shine to me because I was out of the circus. I didn't have any clowns that I was watching, and I started watching this TV show at night. and there was another man there that had this five-day-a-week comedy gig and I had a five-day-a-week comedy gig and I started getting, because there's so many inspirations in comedy, there's so many different ways to do it, but this talk show host in America started to become my biggest inspiration for my clown and I didn't understand why until you went on James Lipton and you did that interview with him and in that interview you said, basically I'm a clown. Yeah. And I went, I knew it. I knew. You know, it's funny because that was something I realized a long time ago. I always wanted my show or whatever I was doing to be funny, even if the sound was off. And so because of my background, people thought, well, it'll be, you know, he'll be like verbally dexterous and it'll be about, you know, his intellect. And I thought, what are you talking about? I I love to make kids laugh. to me that's the best test if someone funny is can you make a kid laugh and I if two or three year olds are around I work really hard to get them laughing And if they don laugh I shattered Absolutely shattered. And you've seen that, Sona, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I had Mikey, but I didn't get Charlie. What happened? And then I'm drinking and you're like, Conan, take it easy. And I'm taking pills. Oh my God. It's just a really descent into madness. Yeah, descent into madness. I know the feeling. Yeah, yeah. He probably just had gas too. It had nothing to do with you. I took it personally. We had 800 school kids in the show yesterday, like on vacation care. So the tent was full of just pretty much 800 kids and their minders. And the noise was outrageous. They were laughing and screaming and hooing. It was beautiful. Best drug in the world. It fills my heart. yeah yeah it really is it's uh it i i it's so funny what you're talking about because um we're all doing basically the same thing i mean i and there are different you know you can say oh no i'm doing something very different no i think we're both essentially doing the same thing exactly i've learned so much from from you just from the uh and as you say the physical comedy so whenever I'm getting a bit tired with, with my comedy, I think about what you do. Cause you have this way of, of hitting the mark very strongly. Oh, thank you. I think, no, what would, how would Conan do this? And then I start hitting my marks a bit stronger physically. Well, that's very, very nice. That's very nice of you. Uh, I, I, I've been writing down things. I've been studying you. I've been in the school of Conan for the last 30 years. That's why, that's why right now you're trapped in a very small space, crowded out by what looks like laundry. The family's left me. This is what happens. You're hiding from the law right now, surrounded by unwashed clothing. No, but that, thank you so much. Not all washed, it's my clown clothes. Oh, there you go, all right. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Thank you, I made them myself, they're my clown underpants. Looks like the wardrobe from Golden Girls, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, Mrs. Roper. Um, so what, uh, is this, and this is what you're doing now for life. Do you ever, do you ever have a day where you think, you know what, I'm feeling sore. I don't know if I got it anymore. We all have those moments. And do you ever think, ah, maybe I'll hang up the old red nose and I'll do X, Y, or Z, or does that never, never come into your mind? Yeah, it has. And, and in, in COVID, of course yeah all the work went away and so i thought oh maybe i'll and i did i drove a truck for a little while and and i did a few different things but no this is so you know if you get cold-hearted on making people laugh for a living there and making children happy and old ladies and singing to people and and buffooning if you get cold-hearted on that then i think i'd be you'd be dead wouldn't you like it fills my soul every time yeah listen amen i agree with you a hundred percent it's uh it's a great dodge it's a great way to get through life is to to try and do this and there are just moments you know i'm sure you have them i have them where we think oh my god i don't know i can't keep doing this i i need to go and do something kind of quiet and respectable that always lasts about half a second yeah yeah on that interview too you said when something's your job it's your job and that's true there's days when you're like oh i've got to do this but but then you start doing it and it's so joyous and because my clown character is so strong now after 35 years it it kind of takes over uh you you're suddenly doing and saying things i can't remember sometimes what my clown says or does i don't know what i can't do the voice out of the Now you're excusing crimes you've committed. Yeah, wait a minute. I mean, it's my clown, I don't know what he did. Why is there this blood on my hands? A clown is not an alibi, just so we're clear. I don't know where I was. Are you trying to do an Australian accent? There are these giant red footprints leading back to your... It sounded perfect, very good Australian accent. You know what, I'm a fine actor, I just go in and out of characters. But no, that's really nice. It funny because for so long that was every kid dream Not every kid but I want to run away to the circus And I think it still exists It just not always literally the circus You happen to literally do the circus. But I had the same feeling when I got into this stupidness was I'm just running away to do this, do something that sort of speaks to me, you know? But it called you. It didn't kind of call me. I got kind of thrust into it. I joined the circus and then I ended up life kind of you were forced yeah your parents said we're going to the circus and we're going to join and then you had to decide am I bending an iron bar am I putting on a dress and growing a beard I don't know I don't is the bearded ladies still a thing and in this modern era it may be I don't know I don't think they still do like the freaks and stuff well we don't use the term freaks oh sorry That's partially why. Oh, okay. That you'd point out and laugh at. I don't want to misgender the bearded, you know what I mean? The bearded lady. He can't be the bearded lady because he's a man. Yeah, well, first of all, I cannot say what someone's gender is. Oh, right, right. They need to tell me. And I don't know what, first of all, you're saying freaks and now you're saying, you can't be a bearded lady. You're a man. What are you, an 1850s sonar? What's your problem? The real sonar is a right. Yeah. No, it happened to all the freaks. Yeah, yeah. Hey, how'd you like storming the Capitol? Was that fun? Sona was there, but she was there for snacks. I had to be there. The election was rigged. And you heard there were snacks inside. And there were snacks. And it was Armenian Christmas. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. How else do you celebrate? Hey, when they certify, isn't there catering? I flew all this way. Where's the congressional cafeteria? I want those certification waffles. Let's go, gang. I was there for the food. Yeah. Well, Matthew, I like you. You've got a stout heart and you're a delightful person. You really are. And you're doing, I do think you're doing God's work out there. You're making people laugh. Yeah. Yes, thank you. There's a lot of things we could be doing in the world, hey, and making people happy is one of the good ones to do. Okay. Just, I would ask you, when it is time for you to kill and kill again, you know, just don't blame the clown, okay? It's not an alibi, you know what I mean? You can't just say, I don't know, that was Goldie. It's not, Matt's right, you can't do that, all right? You're responsible for yourself as Matthew and as Goldie. Well, it was a delight talking to you, Matthew, really a pleasure. And who knows? I wanted to just say before we go, just thank you for not only for the inspiration you've given me as the clown, but just the, your general way of being playful and, and the way you come up with comedy is affected my son and I, my daughter's very smart and comes up with all these questions and she talks politics and she, but my son and I have, he's 13 and we've yet to have a serious conversation. I, all we do is do bits and comedy and jokes. And, and I think a lot of your ways of being have, have come into my son and my relationship. And I have to be honest with you. I don't, I don't know my son's first name. All we, the minute he enters the room every day, I'm doing bits and God help him. But, uh, it's a wonderful way to connect. So, well, I hope we meet someday. That'd be really nice, you know, and until then, uh, have a great show. Thank you. I will. We're just starting our year. There's 300 shows ahead. Oh, my God. All right. Well, I hope to be in the audience one day. Take care. Wonderful to talk to you guys. Thank you. We'll see you later. Bye-bye, Matthew. Bye. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by Eduardo Perez Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down Thank you.