Bley’s Fastballs Part I

All right, we are fresh off a huge argument here in the studio. That was a brawl. That was an all out brawl. Still smart. And I'll tell you what was going on. And part of me wishes that we were rolling on this, but I guess that's expensive. Is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating? I try to protect you at all times. Yeah, okay. We were thinking about what are we gonna talk about in this segment? And I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me. Bley, you started, you pitched an idea and you're like, oh, you guys could talk about, and I said, yeah, I don't know. And then you went, okay, another idea. and then I said well I'm not and then you said hey and a third one and I said hey just slow your roll man you were like someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour and I was getting hit by fastballs left and right and I was like calm down and let the creative process happen and then um uh and then I said to Sona you said well I'm not going to say anything and I said well no it would be nice if you had an idea and then can we just clarify something this is a thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode yeah so we're trying to come up with yeah but you know and listen we ran out of fans we should just tell people right now worldwide um done we're done we talked to all 111 of our fans that's right worldwide some of them three times then they would put on mustaches and different accents we tried to fill it out as much as we could and then we officially uh talked to the last fan and we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that. Yeah. And we should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode. We were first pitching ideas and then it got into the talking about pitching. And then I have a quick question. What the fuck is a pitch machine? Yeah. Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine? Baseball batting cage. But then it's also like, it can be double because he's pitching things. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. It has a double meaning. But I think you gave it more than he ever intended. No, I'm sorry. I think he tried to do both. T.S. Eliot thought about his words before he put them to the page. I mean, can we then talk about what Eduardo said? Well, just a second. There's a thing that I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writers' rooms and been in them all the time, you would get sometimes in a situation where one writer's like, hey, we could do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's a little like that small dog straining against the leash. well here it was a large dog with uh gray hair and a beard who was saying and we could do this we could do that we do that and i was just trying to say slow it down just a little bit um you are you are forcing all the groundwater out and we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill and that's uh i'm a master of analogies and that's good and so that's all i was trying to get to play and i respect your ideas and occasionally there's a good one but I just thought you had to slow it down a bit. Okay. I do. What was your third idea that we didn't, that I didn't hear? Do you want to discuss your first two? No, I don't want to hear the first one. He doesn't want to hear it. Those weren't good ideas. See, you see it as, let's let the groundwater fill up. I'm saying, I'm trying to throw kindling. Like I see, here's how I see it. Here's how I see it. I see it as. You said, here's how I see it, I think 10 times. But then you never say how you see it. Well, how I see it is. Because you don't let them. Yeah, how I see it is, This room is full of creative, smart people. I don't see that. What are you looking at? Okay, well, let me look. And we're a bunch of mousetraps. Well, I'm sorry. I don't have a mirror. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That one I'll give you. Come on. Oh, God. He's got his glasses on funny. Yeah, oh, my God. And he's dancing. Listen, listen. And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mousetrap room. Yeah, but. And then something bounces off something and then something bounces off something and then you come up with something great. Yeah, but you can also, just to help with this, pitch an idea, Blay, from now on. All right. And then count to 70. 70? And I mean 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about that? You come from the No Bad Ideas brainstorming school and I appreciate that. Thank you. And I come from the Mostly Bad Ideas school because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it is. Shut everybody down at any turn. Yeah. Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair. I'm ready for your apology now. See, shut me down. But what we had talked about right before we were rolling was Sona said you know I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea you would say yes Eduardo actually said that Eduardo said that And I agree with that. So much self-awareness. I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas. Listen to you right now. They're the same. No, listen to yourself right now, Bley. Okay. Listen to the tone of your voice. You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a T-bone steak and you shout. Yes. Now, Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz. I would do him in a Mississippi Minute. Oh, my God. Well, now we have our pitch. Is this our version of heated rivalry? You've got to stop telling the people here that work for you that you want to do them. You have to stop doing it. I'm not sure I do. You did it to David Melman. I'm not sure I do. You do it to Eduardo. Yeah. No, you have to stop. Why don't you go around the office and start telling people you don't want to do it? Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch. Heated Rivalry podcast. A podcast heated rivalry. You and Eduardo. Look at you. I am in. I will take the range on that. I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera? Right here. This is, this is Blay. Look at that. This is Blay right now. And if you can get our video, check it out. Blay grabs it and he looks at me and he says, hey, here's an idea. Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of sensual charm. Eduardo says things quietly and he says them with a sense of self-respect. He says he has a sort of changing yourself. He says he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this. Whereas Blaze thing is I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Blaze, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? I used to work at Kmart and I did do that. Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore. You also worked for Leechmeers, Sears, all those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s. Blay worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet. You would have done so well at The Gap. I worked at The Gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that. And I was so uncomfortable. I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people. I would respond to that. You would? I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things. I like that. How much insurance have you bought? I have like 12 timeshares. He was enthusiastic. I had to. Blay, and I'm not putting you down. I don't think I've said, I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you. Blay, I'm not putting you down. I'm passionately insulting you. Do you agree that my body, my impersonation of Blaze's body language and tone is not far off? Do you agree? I feel like it's a mean version of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's okay. No, I'm on team Blaze here. And you know what you do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy. And then when you're talking about Eduardo, you kind of take on Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly. Which is not how you talk during this ever. Yeah, which is not how you talk. You're more like Blaze. You're not that guy. You're more like that guy. You're not that guy. You're that guy. Sona, your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hating. And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress. You're spectacular. Oh, God, come on. He's just got that. And guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me that's how much of an Eduardo fan I am and you know what I'd like to put on a sweatshirt you gave me Blay but there isn't one I see what's going on here it's all about bribery I get it you know what I'm going to get you a couple sweatshirts you do grab you're not helping you just grabbed the mic and you swiveled it around to and guess what it's not even a swivel mic you bent the iron bar and you pulled it around to you, but you grab it. Well, but Eduardo and I have to share a mic and it's very, you know. Why are you shouting? Seriously. God, this poor guy. Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the maestro. Does Blaze shout? Does he is he can he be a little loud? I mean, that's it's not it's not a question. Of course, of course, there's empirical evidence. Yes, it's a fact. What happens? Eduardo what happens to your sensitive machinery when Blay grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus I do have to ride Blay levels constantly Yeah. That is technical proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much. Not as much as Blay. Not as much. You know what? Blay is consistently loud. What's the spectrum of level riding there? Hey, Blay, you're consistent. All right. Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level writing here in this room? Like who blaze at one end? It's probably Conan who I'm writing because you can get very quiet. When I have a great idea. Yes. And that happens a lot. You're dynamic. When I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder to really knock it out of the park. And it might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved. possibly or it could be our our ads i don't know um take your pick but yes i know that i i uh i'm painting i'm painting a picture and i'm using a wide range of colors on the palette yes what meanwhile blaze like i said consistently at a high level yeah you are you know what you had been great as if you could time travel an air raid warden in world war ii in the blitz you know what I mean? You would, people would immediately know we've got to get out of here. Or town crier. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, because no one would get to sleep. Town crier had to ride the levels too. So these are, this is a complicated conversation and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic. Do we fight? Yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win because I am Stalin. Yes. I do. So moving forward. Oh, look at that. Thank you. Could you give me some tips? Because I want to learn. Keep it down. You're going up again. I want to learn and be better. What are the top three things? I could just write them down. I have a little post-it note here. And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note. What should be on the post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better? What are some tips? Well... Oh my god, Be Eduardo. Be Eduardo. You should be asking Eduardo, not Conan. Okay, touche. Be Eduardo. Eduardo, what are some things I could do to be better and not as annoying? Take a deep breath. Oh. That's good. Seriously. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe or they get breathe tattooed on their hand. Okay. I think you push a lot of air out. And look, I'll admit, am I that different? No. Is there some thought that goes into it? Probably. But you're constantly pushing out. And I think you do need to take a breath. And there can be a, people can misperceive that there's a desperation involved, which I don't think there is. You're not desperate. You've been employed by me for how many years? since 2001, so that's 25 years. That's good math. Just take the current year and take one away. That's how I did it, yeah. So you... You're awful. I just listened to what I said. Here's a true story. I just listened to that come out of my head, and part of my brain went, you're a dick. Yeah, but then you smiled. Yeah. You took it as a compliment. You took your own insults as a compliment. That part of my brain is high-fiving the other part of my brain. Oh, my God. Wait, this is crazy. Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other. That's so crazy. I don't think that's ever happened. If I was in- Your two synapses just did those avatar tail fuck. Yeah. And they just- No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go, form two gloved hands. Like Mickey Mouse, four fingered gloved hands and go, good one. So anyway, yeah, I just think that's a really good, is take a breath. All right. This isn't going to last, you know that. You're going to go have 70, you're going to have like a giant glass of Yoo-Hoo, get a sugar high and start yelling again. Well, let's test it out. Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea. But do an Eduardo style. Oh, and wipe all the sweat off your face. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Well, Eduardo's not sweaty. You look like you just talked a 740, a passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely. And you're like, okay, let's go. Here we go. Blazing gentlemen, the new Blae. Hi, Blae. You have buttoned up one. Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me wipe all this beardruff off. You don't say beardruff. Button up? Yeah, yeah, button up. I'm doing what Eduardo says. Too loose Hey you know what I love He is the sensei now That true Eduardo is your sensei and gentlemen i like to introduce that one wait not the top one oh my god he looks like every nerd in a nerd movie take that button off what did you why don't you do both buttons okay here we go ladies and gentlemen i'd like you to meet the new 2026 blay hi blay how are you i'm doing great good thanks very good thank you not an asthma breath i'm doing great thank you doing all right yes thank you for having me and um do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future yes i do have a thought um recently uh you uh were reported now you just seem depressed i can't do this you're very you're very depressed now and I'm I feel like hey you know what I loved you in Hamnet you were great lean back not into the mic well the mic doesn't go that far back the mic doesn't have to be in your mouth that's so unnatural okay I had an idea oh my god that was too loud now you're too loud I don't know just try okay I had an idea which was you said you're not looking for any more after if I had legs I would kick you you weren't looking for any more dramatic roles I thought it'd be fun to come up with this segment where you are like Daniel Day-Lewis, you're in retirement, what kind of roles you would come back to, back to acting for? Oh, okay. Well, I think that's a fine pitch. Yeah. I really do. Yeah, he came back to acting. He's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy. You cannot be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge. When I saw Blay leaning back, I was like, oh, this is actually. No, no, you should, we should get duct tape. I'm soaking wet with sweat. We should let the seat cradle you. Stop talking about your sweat in your beardrum. We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair. That's my idea. Okay, I think that's fine. And just to bring people up to date, a small part of a movie, a fine part of it. You're a pretty big part. Pretty good part, yeah. Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing, directing, of Mary Bronstein. Yeah, and the performance. And the performance of A Lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something because I adore her. So yeah, I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well. And there's been some question, would I do another movie role? And I say, that's a good idea, Blay. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice, calm tone if they have any ideas of the kind of role I should play. And I mean, serious pitches, not you're a rooster, you're a woody woodpecker, that kind of stuff. Hey, I have an idea because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do a two-parter to this episode? I love it. I love it. So next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled. By this time, Blay, he's just rolling in trim because he's so cool and collecting. Rolling in trim? No. You mean Gash? Uh-huh. You mean that sweet sliz? I'm talking about some serious trench. Jesus. I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute. Are we off PBS now? Do you want to apologize to Blaise? You made him sweat a lot. No, I don't think I did. Oh. I was. He's crying. He's crying. I'm so wet. You made him very vulnerable. This entire. You know what this was? I was a very, very good, tough, but effective therapist. And I think I made a big change in Blaise's life. Thank you. And I hope a big change in my life. You're saying thank you to him? Yeah. I helped him. You really feel like you think he helped you? Yeah. Hey, Sona, if I didn't care about Blay, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him. Oh my God. Okay, let's wrap this up. And next week, let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken Blay had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie role. So we'll see you soon. Okay. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.