Zarna Garg

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Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of *Good Hang*. Very excited to talk to my guest, Zarna Garg. Zarna is a stand-up comedian, producer, writer, actress. I met Zarna when she came on tour with me and Tina Fey as we toured the country, and I got to know her and her work. Zarna is just so funny and sharp and honest, and she's going to talk about a lot of great things today. We're going to talk about her immigration story. We're going to talk about her very complicated feelings about romantic love. And we're going to talk about the fact that it's never too late to change your career and do what makes you happy.

We're going to start this interview like we always do by talking to somebody who knows our guest and who gives me a question to ask them. And who better to talk about Zarna than her eldest daughter, the apple of her eye, the successful, beautiful, wonderful Stanford senior, Zoya. Zoya Garg is joining us, and she is every mother's dream. So let's see what Zoya has to say today. Hi, Zoya. Can you hear me?

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Wait, Zoya, you look so cute.

Zoya Garg: Oh, thank you. I was so excited to be a part of this. Thanks so much for inviting me.

Amy Poehler: Now, Zoya, you are Zarna's daughter and the oldest daughter. Congratulations from one eldest daughter to another. I know that it is a hard job to be the eldest.

Zoya Garg: Yeah, eldest daughter is really challenging. And I know your mom would want me to brag for you. What dorm room are you in? At what college are you attending?

Zoya Garg: I go to Stanford.

Amy Poehler: Incredible.

Zoya Garg: Well, as she likes me to tell other people, I am studying computer science. But I did get to do a double major in classics, which is for me.

Amy Poehler: And by the way, I don't really know what classics are. What is classics?

Zoya Garg: Classics is any class from ancient Rome, Latin, completely impractical stuff. You know, like she likes to say I take her tuition money and I light it on fire. But, you know, it's for the arts. It's for my enrichment.

Amy Poehler: Zoya, I'm going to talk to your mom about her amazing book and us touring together. But I think a lot of people should be reminded of how important you were to her early success and how you motivated her. Can you just tell people how you nudged your mom into the work that she's doing now?

Zoya Garg: When I was growing up, my mom had given up her career as a lawyer to raise me and my younger brothers. And my dad was the primary breadwinner. But when I was growing older, I noticed that she more and more really wanted to earn her own money. She was starting all these businesses, like a tomato sauce company and a toothpaste business and matchmaking, which failed miserably. Everything was just not working, essentially. And these were businesses that she bought the LLC for, made websites for, tried to learn on the internet how to sell services for.

I just noticed that the only reason anyone would buy her terrible chili was because she would make them laugh. I mean, she would stand in front of them and she would make them laugh. And I remember one day I had been watching, you know, like some Seinfeld clip and had grown up watching comedy and said, "Mom, you should be a stand-up comedian." And she looked at me and said, "That's not a job." And I was like, "No, in America, people get paid to make other people laugh." And she was so confused because to her, the jobs available were to be an engineer, a lawyer or a doctor.

So I ended up making her this birthday gift where I got all these notes from her friends and family asking them to say one thing about her. And I hadn't prompted them, but I knew that everyone was going to comment on her personality, on her warmth, on her ability to connect with people. So she got the gift. She started reading all the notes, handpicking them out. And she started to really believe in herself. And she was like, "Fine, I will give it a shot."

We ended up going to the worst comedy club in New York City. I don't even think that there's a name for it. I mean, it was awful. There was barely a stage. There was like a broken microphone. And she just stood up there in front of two or three random people and ranted about me, about her mother-in-law, about America, about STEM, everything that she had just been kind of pent up. She just ranted about everything and then ultimately made the whole audience of like five people fall off their chairs with laughter. It was just the most amazing experience. And ever since then, she's been the funny brown mom that just won't stop ranting about everything and anything.

Amy Poehler: How many years ago was that?

Zoya Garg: That was four years ago.

Amy Poehler: It's amazing how far Zarna has come in four years. And I just have to point out, it's also amazing that you as a 16-year-old, number one, wanted to be around your mom, thought your mom was funny and wanted your mom to be funny. Those things don't always... The way she talks about her family. I mean, to me, why it's so relaxing to watch Zarna talk about you all is no matter what she says, how she jokes around about her husband or her kids, there's so much love there. You are a very tight family.

Zoya Garg: Yeah, we're really close. I mean, I didn't actually know what a family business was. Everybody kept saying, "Oh, you guys are family business, you're family business." And I just I still don't even know what that is, because I think Indian people love to work really hard. And then our life kind of becomes our work. But then if you're working together on like social media skits and you're working together and selling a book and doing all these different ways to help one another, it just kind of turned into a family business without us realizing it. And I think the only reason it worked was because we're so close and we trust each other.

Amy Poehler: You know, you know your mother probably better than anyone else. What question do you have for your mom today? Anything you think I should ask her that our listeners would be interested in hearing about?

Zoya Garg: I have been so excited about this. Now, she talks all the time about how she doesn't say "I love you" to my dad. But I have caught her going on a walk with him every day. And she says that she only wants everybody to study STEM and math and science, but she is a professional writer. And so I think what you should ask her is, do you think you're a hypocrite?

Amy Poehler: That's such an older daughter question. That's amazing.

Zoya Garg: I want to see her react to that because I feel very confused by this propaganda she's constantly spreading that she does not subscribe to herself. And I think it's a worthwhile question to get to the bottom of.

Amy Poehler: So you're saying that when they go for their walks, do you think she's secretly saying, "I love you"?

Zoya Garg: I think that the walks are an expression of "I love you." Of course. She refuses to say it out of like undying commitment to the lack of the word love. I do think that she loves him.

Amy Poehler: When I talk to people like you, I feel really good about our future. You're so smart and poised and funny. I think sometimes you can tell a lot about a person by their children and how they relate to their children. And it's really, really cool to see the relationship you have with your mom. It's really special.

Zoya Garg: Well, we're going full time together, actually, which is really exciting.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean? What's happening?

Zoya Garg: So I acted as a pre-order campaign manager of her book, which we made it to the *New York Times* bestseller list. I sold 10,000 free orders, which was very stressful. If you think it's stressful having Zarna as a mom, it's even more stressful to have Zarna as a boss. My God, her feedback. It's not feedback. It's just you're going to get fired if you don't do it. So, wow. It was very intense, but we made it through. It was such a good experience. So I'm going full time and we're going to be building the ZG family media empire.

Amy Poehler: Yes. That's what we're going to be doing. I'm sure she'll have lots of thoughts about employing your child. And what that looks like. Are you getting paid?

Zoya Garg: You know, paid is a strong word.

[Zoya's phone buzzes]

Zoya Garg: Oh, my mom's texting me. What questions you do? Tell her.

Amy Poehler: She just texted me.

Zoya Garg: I only have my notifications on for her because God forbid she texts me. I'm dying.

Amy Poehler: Tell her Amy said to mind your own business.

Zoya Garg: What did Amy say? Question mark, question mark. Tell me right now. She's actually not real. She's like, "Are you on? Did you forget?" I'm like, "What is wrong?"

Amy Poehler: Zoya, I love it. I'm always under threat. I'm always under threat. Somebody, I hope there's a therapist watching this podcast episode thinking "I will sign this client on for free." Zoya, when you crack and break and you rebel and you do your first thing wrong, I'm so ready for it. And Auntie Amy is here to take care of you. You can come live with me when you're ready to just go full tilt. But then you're also going to be under threat. You don't want to be on her hit list, right? Like if you side with Zarna...

Zoya Garg: She doesn't scare me.

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God.

Zoya Garg: That is it. Okay, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. She does scare me. I'm very scared.

Amy Poehler: You know what? Tell her everything's going great. Tell her your question.

Zoya Garg: Thank you so much for having me.

Amy Poehler: You're so great, Zoya. It's so good to see you. Thank you so much.

Zoya Garg: Okay, honey. Take care. Bye. Thanks for your time.

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I'm so happy you're here.

Zarna Garg: I'm so happy to be here.

Amy Poehler: Zarna, I was thinking the other day about new friends because I think, you know, we're the same age. It's never too late to make new friends. You are a new friend. We've met a couple years ago.

Zarna Garg: Yes.

Amy Poehler: And I just like the idea that you just are never too old to make new friends.

Zarna Garg: No, you know what? The beauty of making friends at this age is you're really united on your actual interests. It's not your kids' friends' mom. It's not your husband's whatever. It's not somebody you were related to. It's really like the two of you love doing this thing together. And then that becomes the thing that unites you.

Amy Poehler: For people that don't know, Zarna is a stand-up comedian joining us today, an actress, a writer, a producer. We're going to talk about your book *This American Woman*, the hit best-selling *New York Times* bestseller. We're going to talk about your new special. And I want to talk about how we started working together because that's going to be really... And we learned, I feel like we learned a lot about each other by being on tour together. And we learned that we do not like to party.

Zarna Garg: No, that's been the best part of touring with you guys. Everybody's happy to get in their pajamas and go home. We have like no interesting tour stories at all.

Amy Poehler: But I did, if it's okay, I don't usually like to like, "This is your life" version of these things. But this, your book, which I had the pleasure to read and loved and told you and it really was moving. Is it okay if we start with little Zarna first?

Zarna Garg: I mean, yeah, whatever. I'm really not going to get emotional. I've decided.

Amy Poehler: Oh, I'm going to make you cry. Because that's not a hard thing to do.

Zarna Garg: Because I'm like, it's right. The fact that Amy Poehler has read my book. Come on.

Amy Poehler: No. And you were texting me in real time as you were reading it.

Zarna Garg: I was. You know, you ask if part of writing the book is getting the blurbs from your famous friends. And it's a thing. And you chase your famous friends. Anybody you ever had lunch with or ran into at the grocery store or cross paths with in Grand Central Station. You're like, "Remember me?" And then you beg and plead them. And then you and Tina just got in, they're like, "Yeah, we'll do it." And even then you don't expect them to actually read the thing, be honest. You know what I mean? You're like, they're gonna have an assistant run it through ChatGPT and give us a good line. And that's okay.

Amy Poehler: Oh, that is a good idea.

Zarna Garg: No, it is. You know, yeah, that's a good idea. People do that. And that's why. But you read every word. You were texting me through with like, "Did this happen? And then that happened? And then I was dying." I couldn't believe that Amy Poehler has read my book.

Amy Poehler: Look, I've read a lot of autobiographies and blurbed a lot. And this reads like a page turner. This is your life is really, really fascinating, extreme, hopeful, at times dangerous. A lot has happened in your life. You've had a very adventurous life. And it just continues. In fact, I was talking to Zoya, your beautiful daughter, who has a good question for you. And she was saying, you say you want to have a big life. You wanted to have a big life. You have had a big life, Zarna. So let's start with little Zarna. Okay. Take me back to little teeny tiny Zarna in India. What were you like as a 10-year-old girl?

Zarna Garg: I was always getting in trouble. This big mouth has always gotten me in trouble. In fact, that's why the book is titled *This American Woman*, because I had a habit of questioning people. I had a habit of being like, "This doesn't make sense." And even the most obvious things that don't make sense back where I come from, you're not allowed to say it. But I would just be like, "Has anybody considered the alternative?" And everywhere I went, people would be like, "Oh, she thinks she's American." Because any woman with an opinion must have come from there, that bad place.

Amy Poehler: And you were in Mumbai at that point.

Zarna Garg: I was born and raised in Mumbai in affluence, in extreme affluence. I grew up as like the 1% of Mumbai back in the day. So I had everything. I had access to everything. I had access to Hollywood. I had access to TV shows in America, comic books, books. And I mean, the access backfired on my parents.

Amy Poehler: Wait, what do you mean?

Zarna Garg: Because I saw and read so much, I started questioning, like, "Why are we living like this when we could be living like that?"

Amy Poehler: What did you see back then from American culture that you remember, that you identified with, that was at times maybe threatening to your parents?

Zarna Garg: I mean, the first thing was like not an obsession with marriage. I remember reading comic books and things. Books I read in India were all about young girls and who they were going to marry and how those husbands were going to be so nice and let them finish college. And like, that's a thing. In an arranged setting, you will have the boy's mother say, "No, no, we're very modern. She should finish her degree and then stay home."

Amy Poehler: And you, from a very early age, there was something inside you where you were thinking this is not the right path for me.

Zarna Garg: Well, I'm just curious. I know now. I'm curious about everything. I am even now. Like if I have five... Recently I was in an airplane. We travel so much for work, right? And the airplane was late as it happens. And I just started YouTubing like how to fly an airplane. I was like, "It can't be that hard." And I was very serious that like I should look. So for hours I was like, "How do people start?" The curiosity has always been.

Amy Poehler: But you're saying something very deep actually. I think the reason why your life has traveled this way is because of just that. As you looked at things and you thought, "It can't be that hard."

Zarna Garg: It can't be that hard.

Amy Poehler: Okay, so you're watching. What kind of stuff were you watching and listening to in India back then?

Zarna Garg: Was *Three's Company*.

Amy Poehler: "Come and knock on my door."

Zarna Garg: "Come and knock on my door." Yes. I was like, "Yes, that's my life. John Ritter. I want the door." How funny is John Ritter in that show? And all of them though. But Janet and Suzanne Somers and the landlady and the whole thing. I was like, "This is... Why am I stuck with this situation here?" My life was very much...

Amy Poehler: So you watched a lot of '70s sitcoms.

Zarna Garg: *Family Ties*, *Growing Pains*. You name it. I was obsessed with all of them.

Amy Poehler: And we got bootleg copies. How did you watch them?

Zarna Garg: Somebody in America, some relative of some distant friend relative would record it playing on their TV.

Amy Poehler: No, that's how we all watched it.

Zarna Garg: And people charge rent. If you wanted to watch that recording, you had to pay rent for it. So any dollar, any rupee I had back then, I spent on like anything American I could get my hands on.

Amy Poehler: Were there, during that time, who were famous Indian actors and actresses that had kind of crossed over? There probably wasn't a lot, right?

Zarna Garg: No, no, none.

Amy Poehler: Crossed over to Hollywood?

Zarna Garg: Zero. Zero. No, that was not even a thing.

Amy Poehler: And there's probably just tons of racist portrayals at the time.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, I mean, but if you watched how Americans were portrayed back home, it was equally bad.

Amy Poehler: How were they?

Zarna Garg: Every American person was like a villain. There was not one good, there was not one well-intentioned American in TV back then.

Amy Poehler: This seems to make a lot of sense. This makes a lot of sense to me. That would be like a woman who would show up and be like, "You know, you don't have to get married to that old man." And then the whole country was like, "She's so bad. She's trying to save this little girl. She doesn't know this man is going to leave behind 10 goats. When he dies, the deal has been made."

Zarna Garg: You know, growing up, we're the same age. As a kid of the '70s, there was just so much stereotypical Indian representation in the U.S. That was how we knew Indian culture. It was just, especially in comedies that we watched and tons of non-Indian actors and actresses playing those parts. We had no sense of the other side of the world.

Amy Poehler: And you wouldn't because also we didn't encourage our kids to be actors or writers. So how would they play those parts? Right now, this is a raging debate in Hollywood about representation and all of that. But we act like we've been doing it for 50 years. We haven't. This is a recent thing. So we are growing our pathways. We are growing our channels, our stories. I mean, I still, I do this. My kids aren't allowed to do this. Absolutely not. I'm not going to let my kids become artists and writers. Zoya, my daughter, has an article published in *New York Times* that is widely considered one of the best essays of all time. And her English teacher at her college tried to convince her to be a writer. And I was like, "That evil woman." I was so upset. She was like that American woman. I was like, "Oh, he's American woman. My dad was right."

Amy Poehler: Okay, so 10-year-old Zarna is feeling pretty emboldened and talking about what she believes in and challenging left and right and looking at things that she wants to change. And then you lose your mom at 14.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: And that is a huge blow. And you write about it so beautifully in your book. And your mom was such an important person in your life, as moms are. But can you tell us a little bit about what your relationship was like with her?

Zarna Garg: So when she was alive, I thought I was like her least favorite child because she was actually very close to my sister my whole life. I was the youngest of four. But my mom was, even though she was a very Indian stay-at-home mom, what you would call a housewife here, that was her life. But she too must have been curious. And I've pieced this together in hindsight, because I didn't know then. Because since her death, so many people have come up to me and said, "You know, your mom helped us get started in this business, or in this endeavor, or this career, or whatever." We had no idea.

See, that's a very American thing here. When people do charity, or they give, they talk about it. That's the thing. Like when I first came to America, I was shocked. They were like, "This is my foundation. This is a thing. We give so many millions of dollars." In India, my mom probably gave a lot, but she was so scared of my dad finding out that if he found out that he would put an end to it, that it was whispered. The women who gave had like a little secret network. And they would like whisper to each other, but it was never openly mentioned. So we, even her kids, had no idea that she was doing any of this. But she must have been like a curious person. She must have been like an entrepreneurial person, like living out her kind of dream through these secret things. Because I know now that she helped countless people launch their businesses with what little money she could squirrel away from my dad.

Amy Poehler: When people lose their parents young, you kind of have this frozen idea of them. And it is really amazing to have more knowledge come in so you can fully see her as a woman rather than just a mom.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: So she maybe had a little bit of a hustler energy like you.

Zarna Garg: Hustler. And she was adventurous. She loved to go swim in India. That's not a thing back then for women her age.

Amy Poehler: And your dad then became, it feels like during that time, you kind of have two traumas very close together. You've got the loss of your mom and then your dad really being eager for you to get married at a young age.

Zarna Garg: I mean, yeah, eager. Yeah, there was an ultimatum. It wasn't even like his suggestion. It was like, "You're doing it."

Amy Poehler: Because I think I was the youngest of four. He was himself broken.

Zarna Garg: At the time, I'll be honest, it did not feel that traumatic to me. Because I thought he's going to come around. Sometimes I was like, "Let me be mature and understand that he's shocked and that this is a moment and that we are all going to just come back together. It's going to take a few days or a day or two."

Amy Poehler: Your 14-year-old brain was trying to make sense of that.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, because it was so out of left field. This is not something we were thinking about or talking about ever. In my family, it was widely accepted that I was the curious one. I was the academic one. And there was even a hint of pride at the idea that I got good grades. I really thought that in a matter of a day or two or a few days, this would all resolve.

Amy Poehler: But what happened instead?

Zarna Garg: He was very determined. I learned the hard way that dads back home, they're not messing around. When they say something, they mean it. And he was very much like, "No, you're either getting married or you're not living here." And because he himself had come up through really hard circumstances, he had no mercy. None. Sometimes people are like, "But how could your dad be so harsh?" Because they can't imagine it. But that's the world we come from. That's the world he watched his siblings die in front of his eyes. That's the world he had taken himself out of. So to him, we were the most pampered brats. They're like, "You have air conditioning in a car. Shut up already."

Amy Poehler: I mean, that's what I loved about your book. You take really deep dives into everybody in your family and you really try to understand them. You really try, especially your dad.

Zarna Garg: I never held it against him. I've never thought of him as a villain in my life. I understood it was more a clash of two very strong-willed people. And it's unfortunate because he forced me to learn English. I was like, "This could have all been avoided if you hadn't hired 10 English tutors when I was little who taught me to read all these books and watch all these movies." Those things used to be my homework because all these English tutors would show up. My dad would line up, be like, "She will learn this language of success." And then at some point they would run out of worksheets, so they would be like, "Watch an episode of *Growing Pains*."

Amy Poehler: So you have this risk-taker, generous mom. You have a dad who has strict boundaries and cares about success. And it gets smushed into you. And you're 14 and then you're kind of on your own in a very interesting way. What happens between like 14 and 17 for you?

Zarna Garg: So I left my house when my dad said, "You have to get married." I was like, "I'm not doing this." And I took off with literally nothing, thinking I'll go to my best friend's house. And my best friend was very happy to have me for two days. And the second day, her mom was like, "We think you should go home." And that's when it hit me. I was like, "Oh, shit. Where am I going to go?" And then even then I'm like, "Oh, I have this other best friend. The spare best friend. She's not your real best friend, but you've kind of kept her in the orbit. And suddenly she's looking really good. I'm like, 'Oh, my God, let me call her right now. Declare my love for.'"

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Zarna Garg: So I did that for a few days. And every day I was like, "Any minute now, he's going to come and get me. Any minute, he's going to send the driver." And nothing. And then slowly, the friends stopped taking me in because my dad got wind of where I was going. And he was a very scary figure. He was very successful and scary at that time.

Amy Poehler: What did he find his success in?

Zarna Garg: So he built... He himself was a lawyer in India, educated himself through very difficult circumstances, but built a business selling textile machines to Europe and America. So when he made a call to them and said, "You're not going to take her in," it got real. Then they were like, "Oh, she really needs to make up." Also, most people didn't see a problem with what he was suggesting. Most people thought I was the problem. The parents of my friends were all like, "What is her problem? He's going to find a good guy." So in their eyes, the solution was find a good educated guy who's going to let her finish school. And then what's the issue? We're all getting married anyway. So their parents were kind of leaning towards anytime I showed up, it was like I could see them calling my dad and saying, "She's here." So those options started drying up very quickly.

Amy Poehler: So what happened once they dried up? Where did you go?

Zarna Garg: I got really lucky in that my mom, all the people that she had helped, really poor people, people with no means, like vegetable sellers and people with the most humble means, started taking me in because they saw me wandering around on the streets and they knew that something was wrong because they had seen how I was and how I had become. I mean, those were like... It's crazy to talk about. It was a tough time. I couldn't wash my clothes for days on end. That was one of the biggest things when you're homeless that you struggle with. When I was at a friend's house, I could take a shower, but I never knew what to do about the clothes. Because how do I suddenly explain to them that there's no... It's very complicated.

But the people that she had helped started saying, "Do you want something to eat?" And even then, do you know what's crazy? In India, a lot of street food is served, is sold folded in newspapers. I was more interested in the newspaper. Even in those moments, I was like, "I'll take whatever," because I knew I would get another page. I was so... That was the one thing that killed me so hard, that I lost my access to what was happening in the world. They would give me food and I would take all their papers from them. I'd be like, "Whatever you have left over, I'll take all of it."

They started taking me in. Then my sisters, in-laws, I started reaching out, fanning out into distant relatives, like whoever, anywhere. I had a couple of teachers in my school that were very kind. I would be like, "This weekend we're not home if you want to stay at our house." So it was really like a whole quilt work of solutions.

Amy Poehler: And during that time, did you ever think, "You know what, I'm just going to fold. I'm going to go back. I'm going to say, 'Fine, I'm going to meet somebody and have an arranged marriage.'" What stopped you from doing that?

Zarna Garg: I really thought he would come around. I hadn't given up yet. But towards the end, I did like a year plus into it. I was like, "It's not going to happen." So I did fold. In the end, I did go crawling back to my dad and he was very happy and I was welcomed back. I'll never forget with a bottle of Coke. He was like, "How's your American adventure been?"

Zarna Garg: Wow. And he was gleeful. Like, he was saving that bottle for me because he knew there was no exit. So I remember, you know, and he ordered pizza, which is like, only bad people ate pizza by then. Nobody good ate pizza. So I already knew how I was like, it was going to be icy.

Amy Poehler: So then, in that moment, what happens between then and when you go to your sister's house in the States?

Zarna Garg: So he had found and kept a guy that he, in his estimation, was the right match for me, the glass baron of India. This guy's family controlled the entire glass industry in India. And he was looking for a girl who was like 10-ish years younger than him. So that's the appropriate math in the range. It still remains. It still remains. Listen, this is a real way of life. Like, it sounds crazy here, but this is how people live in big, big countries on the other side of the world. So he didn't think, he was like, have you, he couldn't understand. He's like, have you seen who I'm matching you up with? Right. Wait till you see his house. Right. Like, in his mind, he couldn't comprehend what the issue was. And I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that none of it was appealing.

But I did, I went and we had a whole, you know, arranged style, like meet and what the opposite of meet cute. There's no bumping into each other.

Amy Poehler: No, my God. Do not catch each other. Police line. Do not cross.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, it is just, it feels like a job interview. His family is 10 people on that side. Our family is 10 people. There's a broker in the middle who's like moving around with the questions. Because people know what arranged marriages are. You've heard that phrase. You don't know how arranged marriages are made. In India, it's a very open system. Everything is openly discussed. Like here, for example, you're not allowed to say that you want the most beautiful woman you can find. Or the woman's not allowed to say, I want the richest guy I can find. Even though that's what she may want, you don't say it, right? But in India, you just say that. You tell the broker. What's the best deal you can get? They say things like, he's wearing glasses, but she's losing her hair. This is a match. And the broker will sit there in front of your face and be like, she's five foot tall but like honestly your son like there's another brother and that brother will inherit half of this right so he's not all that.

Amy Poehler: It's interesting because there's this transactional nature of it that I think then here there's this pressure for everything to feel very romantic.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: And I want to talk to you about that because you and I talk about it a lot is that there is this pressure that if something doesn't feel really organic and romantic, then it's not real.

Zarna Garg: Real, right.

Amy Poehler: And all that pressure and that the not able to talk about it, I believe only hurts women in America. That's my statement. Because for example, in that transactional world, both sides have access to information for better or for worse. Here, what I find is that the guy can still see what a woman looks like. But God forbid you ask if the guy has a real job or like he's making something up. I'm like, I would like to see a tax return.

Zarna Garg: I do want to get into this because Zarna tried to set me up a couple of times and she has only tried to set me up with billionaires.

Amy Poehler: Yes. Yes. Because I told you, Amy. That is the step up. Nothing else to me has made...

Zarna Garg: Zarna's only shown me pictures of billionaires. Yes. And also... Often ones who have heart disease, but that's ideas. That has to be the move for you. And you would say things like, you need someone who makes a billion dollars. And I would say, it's very hard to meet someone who ethically made a billion dollars. And you see, you'd roll your eyes just like you did there. You'd be like, what does this have to do with anything?

Amy Poehler: Listen, we can fix the ethics. Sometimes you're rich enough that then you whitewash the—you start a foundation. Come on. Can you tell everyone about it? Good hang foundation. I just came up with it.

Zarna Garg: Okay, so then the meetup doesn't work. You push against it. You disappoint your father.

Amy Poehler: No, I actually didn't. I thought that was going to happen.

Zarna Garg: Okay. So I was like, okay, you know. And I got five whopping minutes with this guy alone because I asked for it. He didn't even care. Could you imagine? He didn't even care to like, can she speak? Nothing. I'm sitting there like a mute. And he's like, okay. But I was like, can I like talk to him? Because I now have, I'm thinking this is going to happen. Right. So when I met him for the five, I was like, what do you want to do with your life? Like, I was like, do you really? There was a lot of glass in that house. A lot. Talk about living in a glass house. It really is. But it felt a little like, wow, this is a lot of glass. It could get boring. So I wanted to talk to him and whatever. And he was very like, you know, in that circumstance, he's the child of a very wealthy. He's got control of everything. He was very much appeasing me like, she has all these dumb woman questions. Let me just give her something. So I had really fully capitulated in my heart. But then my U.S. visa came through that I had been fighting for for two years.

Amy Poehler: So interesting. The timing.

Zarna Garg: The timing. I'm telling you, it was that the next morning I got a telegram. I grabbed my stuff and I ran. I ran out of that house so fast. I didn't say a word to anybody. I was too scared. If my dad found out that he would like find ways to hold me back.

Amy Poehler: It's such an incredible moment. Like your entire life hinged on the timing of that.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Do you think you would have come to America if you had been married?

Zarna Garg: No, then it would have been over. I mean, I could have betrayed my dad, and I did. And I did. But I don't think I could have done it to a guy and his whole family. Like, you know, like, he's done nothing wrong.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. That guy did nothing wrong by me. Right.

Zarna Garg: So I would not—I don't know if I would have been able to do that to him.

Amy Poehler: And when you left, you really did leave, like, kind of without telling anyone you were going?

Zarna Garg: I was so scared.

Amy Poehler: Wow, Zarna. So brave.

Zarna Garg: I only said bye to my brother, my older brother.

Amy Poehler: Shoresh?

Zarna Garg: Yeah. Shoresh. Shoresh, yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have a very close relationship with Shoresh.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, to this day, yeah.

Amy Poehler: And so you say a painful goodbye to him and you head to Ohio?

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: And your sister is living there.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, Akron, Ohio.

Amy Poehler: How old are you when you arrive?

Zarna Garg: 17, just under.

Amy Poehler: You just immediately get to work and you study. And what happens next?

Zarna Garg: So I got to Ohio because the University of Akron, where I got my degree, agreed to take me in as a foreign student. And that back then foreign students were not the rage that they are today. They were so rare. But my sister reached out to them and said, "This my sister really loves to study. How can we make this happen?" And they worked it out. And my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, himself is a doctor, has been practicing for decades in America, is very extremely cerebral, extremely like, you know, academic. So he appreciated that quality of me so much that he was like, "If you can come here, just study as much as you want." Like he saw the merits of it even though he himself didn't come from a family. He's the only one in his family who got out of his life the way he did. But he saw it and saw it so deeply that the two of them, it was unbelievable. They were like, "Study as much as you want. What do you need? How many books?" I was like, from a world of like hiding and reading every newspaper to like, you know, like the libraries in America are the size of like, I mean, you can't even dream that big in India. Like our library in India was like a little hole in the wall. If you had 20 books, you were doing well. But you would go, I would go here to the Akron library and I would be like, "Oh my God, I could spend days."

Amy Poehler: And you loved, what else when you came to America at 17, did you like immediately love? And what were some things that you were like, "What is this? What's going on?"

Zarna Garg: I loved that nobody was telling me what to do. Yeah. That was just not including college. Like school and college in India is very like the teacher will, when the teacher walks in, you stand up, you show respect. And then the teacher will be like, "Open this page" and like put your foot down. There's so many rules here. I would go to college and people are eating and drinking and their feet are up on the chair. And I was like, "What is happening?" And of course, back then there were all these language. I remember the first time I asked a guy for a rubber. Like, you know, in India, an eraser is called a rubber.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Zarna Garg: And, you know, right? Like, you're laughing, but that was a real thing. And then when I came in 1992, I believe, the big person in the news was Jeffrey Dahmer.

Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah.

Zarna Garg: Who is from Akron?

Amy Poehler: That's not a good time to go to Ohio.

Zarna Garg: From Akron. So I remember thinking, "Never go to anybody's house ever." And that still is a good thing, actually. Keep in mind, that is a good thing. But also the freedom, my God. Like I would go, for the first time, a college professor would be like, "What do you think?" I remember the time somebody asked me, "What do you think?" And I was like, "Nobody's ever asked me that. Never." Even in our classes back home, you only ask the boys what they thought. The girls just sat there, you know, and then we would then you not only had to hear whatever the stupid boy thought, but you had to applaud and be like, "Deep. Amazing."

Amy Poehler: Like, I mean, you and I have talked about this a lot on tour, which is that, I mean, in fact, you wrote a really nice thing at the end of your book about me and Tina. And I just want to read one part that I love so much because it's exactly what we talked about a lot, which is you say. you were saying what Tina and I taught you, which is very nice, which is like, you know, you can mix business with pleasure. You can work with your friends. And you say, "Aren't women amazing to live and work this way? And in 500 years, men are going to discover that you can mix your work life and personal life without ruining your family and then call it a whole renaissance."

Zarna Garg: Because you know that what going to happen. Yes, of course. You guys are doing it. That actually been one of the most bittersweet thing of touring with you guys. It's so much fun to see how you guys work up close, to have that front row seat. But inside my heart I have so much pain about it too. Like, what could I have done if I had had that Tina or Amy in my life, you know? Because it's... And this idea, you guys shattered this whole notion of business and whatever, "Don't mix." Men do whatever they want. They start companies with—the women have been told, "Don't mix business with pleasure."

Amy Poehler: Yes. So dumb.

Zarna Garg: Well, and you're still a baby's earner. You're only five years into this.

Amy Poehler: Five years. Five. Yeah.

Zarna Garg: I know. And you are where you are. But I know you're impatient and in all the right ways and ambitious. But I just want to, you know, you're just getting started in this business, even though you're already a vet and a pro. I mean, I don't know. I don't know any other way to do things. Because I remember somebody told me every comic's dream is to have a sitcom. And I was like, "Oh, that's just telling family stories. I can do that now." And I just started building my little world with it. Like, why am I going to wait?

Amy Poehler: Before you did that, though, you became a lawyer.

Zarna Garg: Oh, my God. Don't. We can't talk about that. We don't even need to talk about it. It was so bad.

Amy Poehler: There's some joke like the only thing that lawyers have in common is that no one wants to be a lawyer.

Zarna Garg: Yes.

Amy Poehler: But you were a lawyer and you were, what kind of lawyer were you?

Zarna Garg: I was personal injury.

Amy Poehler: Wow.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, and I was actually like, I loved it. I was like, "That dog should have been chained."

[AD BREAK]

Amy Poehler: Okay, so then while you're being a lawyer and you're like, "Okay, maybe I should try to meet somebody," and I want to segue into how you met your husband. And I think the best way to do it is to have you read this ad. So in your book... Oh my God, I love this ad. Never lived down, Zarna.

Zarna Garg: Yes. So in the summer of 1977 when you were 22?

Amy Poehler: 1997. Excuse me. You made me nervous for a minute. I'm sorry. In the summer of 1997, when Zarna was 22, she put a personal ad on an Indian singles website. Will you read it, Zarna?

Zarna Garg: Yes. It's so funny and so good. It's like a beautiful poem.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Well, to some.

Zarna Garg: All right. Here's the ad. "To some, I am too short or too plump, too dark or too argumentative. But enough about me. This is what I need from you. A husband and a partner. Somebody who is ambitious but not ruthless. Confident but not arrogant. And humble but not timid. Most of all, he is honest. I'm on a mission to build a very successful life. And you must be ready to go with me. Only contact me if you want to get married. No friends." In all caps. "Kindly include your most recent tax returns and medical records. Zarna."

Amy Poehler: I thought it made sense, people.

Zarna Garg: In my defense, it made sense in the world I came from. You know, and also, it's so funny. It's so funny. I know it's serious, but it's also so funny. It's you in a nutshell, which is it's direct. It's clear. It has a point of view. And it's really funny. And anyone reading that would, I think, be drawn to the wit of it. I mean, I don't want to brag, but hundreds of people did respond.

Amy Poehler: They did.

Zarna Garg: And back then, I was the only woman speaking for myself on the internet. So it was like a lot of people just responded because they were so excited not to have to speak to somebody's cousin and uncle and auntie and whatever. But I do think, I mean, dating in America and marriage is like, "Do I love this person? Do I, is he going to make me happy?" You know, these are the things you think about, right? Like, I was like, "Happiness is not happening. Let's just be okay with that." It was more like, "Who's going to win this war against the world that I'm fighting? Who's going to be my best recruit? Who's going to be my best soldier and partner?" And I think a lot of immigrants see life like that. We see life like we're in war and we're building a team and an army, you know, and I do that now. I remind my kids every day. Like, "You do not have the luxury. You do not. You are in it." You know, sometimes my kids get scared and nervous of all the things that I throw them into, which I do have a habit of throwing them into.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, I mean, you entered your daughter into a beauty pageant.

Zarna Garg: I did. I did. That was more like a philosophical take because she's five foot tall. And I didn't want her to think that she's not beautiful just because she's short. Because we always assume beauty queens have to be tall. So I remember calling the pageant people. I was like, "What is your height requirement?" And they're like, "We don't have one." And you said, "Great." I said, "You don't? Like, I assumed there must be a minimum." And they're like, "No." I said, "So can my daughter who's five foot apply?" And then I was like, "Correction, can I apply for her?" Okay, sorry.

Amy Poehler: But I stopped you because you're right. We here believe that you're building a team, and that ad is, "I want you on my team."

Zarna Garg: Team, yeah.

Amy Poehler: And Zarna, what I love about that ad is when you say, what is it when you say, "I'm going to have a very big life? I'm going to build a successful life, and you have to be ready to go with me."

Zarna Garg: Yeah. I mean, I didn't want to lie to somebody. I think you should cast a narrow net and be like, "This is what I'm doing." Why talk to the 20 other people who are going to be like, "Let's have fun." Like, I don't want to have fun.

Amy Poehler: Well, you know, you were one of the few people when I was single who I could actually talk to about dating and being single because there's just so much weird stuff that people project on you. And like, you know, talking to married people are the absolute worst. And all they do is try to set you up with people they want to be with. They're like, "What about so-and-so?" And it's like, "I think you want to be with so-and-so." But you were so, when we were touring, you were so fun and funny to talk to about it because you did, you have, because I find this ad, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but I find that ad very romantic.

Zarna Garg: Oh, I know. See, I don't know about the romance.

Amy Poehler: Here's why I find it romantic: because you're advocating for yourself. You're really saying like, "I'm a catch and I know myself. Do you want to come with me on this journey?" But also you're talking about like what, what's ahead. You're like, "I see good things ahead." You're 22 when you make that ad.

Zarna Garg: 21 actually.

Amy Poehler: 21. So you are not a successful touring comedian with her own sitcom and you're not a comedian at all. You're studying to be a lawyer. There's just a lot of like, like, trust me that life is going to be grand with me. Like that's very romantic, even though it seems very nuts and bolts. So I love that part of you is you have this forward thinking, big, ambitious dreams for yourself and the people that you love because you're a big time dreamer, but you're a realist at the same time. Those two things are really important.

Zarna Garg: I mean, I do the work. I do do the work. I mean, when I wrote a screenplay, my screenplay that ended up winning, I didn't just write a screenplay. I was going to write a trilogy. And I was like, "I'm going to call Bob Iger." I had no business. I just saw his name somewhere. I was like, "I should call him. He should make my trilogy." Why not, you know? My brain. But that's kind of how I got up with you and Tina. I remember when I saw in the news that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler touring, instantly I called all my agents. I don't know, I have so many agents. They never have the foresight. I don't know why.

Amy Poehler: But on our side, Burke, Mike Berkowitz, a great agent at WME who helped book our tour, he told us about you.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. So you probably poked and then we heard and then we watched your stuff immediately. It probably was in the air at the time.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, and you were doing a lot of work at the time.

Zarna Garg: I was, of course, and I still do. I'm working every night. I'm on a stage. So I do do the work. The dream cannot just be the dream. You have to put in the work. But actually, like, I've now fully embraced that I'm a very serious type of person.

Amy Poehler: And so, but just quickly, then you met your husband.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: And tell us about your husband.

Zarna Garg: So he is also a very boring, serious type. And we live a very boring, serious life together. And we like what we do. He's a very nice guy. He understood. I think he himself came from complicated circumstances. So there was some kinship there. So I can't say, like, I can't be like, it was hot and heavy. And I don't even know what any of that means. Like, there's no making out and all that. Okay, maybe a little bit.

Amy Poehler: There was a little making out in your book.

Zarna Garg: There was a little. I know. And my kids read the book after it was written. God, my kids were like, "Mom, you didn't warn us." Nothing more horrifying than picturing your parents making out.

Amy Poehler: I know. They're like, "Little warning, Mom."

Zarna Garg: Yes. I was like, "You see how I feel when I walk in and you have your little boyfriend hanging around?" Yeah. You think I want to see that? No kidding.

Amy Poehler: You'll see, Amy. Your kids are a little young, but it's coming. I can't even picture it. Suddenly there's a girl in like these short shorts and she's like making pancakes for your son and you're like, "What is happening?" It's so intense. And your son in front of you is gonna be like, "Her pancakes are better."

Zarna Garg: Okay, so it reminds me of a question that Zoya had for you.

Amy Poehler: Okay, so Zoya, we talked to your wonderful eldest daughter. And as the eldest, you're a baby. It's the babies, the babies.

Zarna Garg: Well, in your case, Zara, you did not have it easy, but babies can sometimes have it easy.

Amy Poehler: No, I did in many ways have it easy because they did protect me.

Zarna Garg: Well, it is interesting. When the baby comes, there's just been another kid in the house. When you're the first pancake, speaking of pancakes, it can, it can, it's, you know, everything gets tested out on you anyway. And Zoya is like, I mean, your kids are so great. Your kids are so successful, mature.

Amy Poehler: Those are Instagram lies. Amy, oh my God. Let's do another episode. I will bring all their flaws. We will lay them out. They're so crazy. Are you kidding me? Zoya has a million meltdowns every day in the disaster. She's in Stanford. I told her she should party and I told her, yes.

Zarna Garg: Oh my God. Amy, you cannot do that. She should fail.

Amy Poehler: No. Oh my God. She doesn't have to. Who cares? College doesn't even matter anymore, Zarna.

Zarna Garg: I wrote the tuition checks. I care deeply.

Amy Poehler: I told her she should rebel, and when she does, she can come live with Auntie Amy.

Zarna Garg: Oh, my God. I mean, I think she should study the classics.

Amy Poehler: No. No. Stop it. I knew there was an agenda over here. Like, Stanford's sponsoring this episode. I mean, it was like, your kids are so great, and she's such a good girl. Anyway, her question for you was, you know, you talk about how you never say "I love you" to her dad, your husband.

Zarna Garg: No, I would never.

Amy Poehler: Why not? Why wouldn't you?

Zarna Garg: It just is so wrong on so many levels. It is. It would doom our marriage. He would be sure I was dying. Like there is no other circumstance if I...

Amy Poehler: But you, but she said you walk together every day.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, we do.

Amy Poehler: So she's like, "Are you a hypocrite? Because that is, in a way, how you say 'I love you.'"

Zarna Garg: Okay, I knew she was going to ask some question like this. She's like that. Like, she's very like, "Mom, you don't really mean it." She doesn't know that when we walk, they see us walking and think it's a romantic walk. It is not a romantic walk. We are going through every bill that is outstanding. We're going through every tag statement that we didn't pay attention. Things he did. His mother's visiting. Now I'm yelling at him and he's trying to make the peace and he's like, "Can she stay for two weeks?" And we're negotiating that down. It is not a romantic walk. We are best friends, her dad and I. I believe that we have a really good friendship and I actually think that the friendship has stood the test of time. It has. I think had we been the romantic "I love you," like because we don't buy into that full romantic notion of it and are more like talking to a friend. It would be like if something happened and you wanted to clear the air with Tina, you would, right?

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Zarna Garg: But with a spouse, you're actually more afraid.

Amy Poehler: I know. I mean, that's what I mean about your frankness. I think we agree here. Clarity is kindness. I agree. When you're clear about yourself or what you need, I think that's a kind act. And people think that being direct can be overwhelming or even rude when, in fact, if you do it without trying to hurt somebody, you're actually just expressing what you need. But we have a very sideways way of going about that. And I've heard you give advice to people who are looking for love. And it's, I mean, you kind of consider yourself a matchmaker. You even wanted to be one at one point.

Zarna Garg: I was one. I was. It was the worst business. I should not be in that business. That whole business is telling women it's not too late when it's actually too late. It's just too late. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, because they come with these unrealistic. You will have a 45-year-old woman who's like, "I want a 28-year-old hottie who's also a surgeon and who's also going to inherit a billion dollars." I had to be there and be like, "Okay, you get to pick one thing." Right. You can't like...

Amy Poehler: I don't think that that's the case with most women. I think most women are very realistic. I think men are very unrealistic.

Zarna Garg: Well, the men don't go to matchmakers. Because they don't feel any sense of urgency. It's the women who are like, "Why am I not married?" You'll meet a 60-year-old dude and he's like, "I'm thinking about it." What are you thinking? To them, I'm like, "You're going to die. You're going to die." I have to tell them. I will even tell them. Like if you guys are like, by the time you're done thinking, like already a lot of your body parts are not working. I can see it. As a broker, it was my job to be honest and be like, "Anybody who's evaluating, like you're not making enough money to cover up all this. So what are we going to fix here?"

Amy Poehler: But it's an interesting time more than ever because women don't really need partners. They really don't need partners.

Zarna Garg: They don't. And they shouldn't. And honestly, can I have a really hot take here?

Amy Poehler: Yes, please.

Zarna Garg: That I've never had and my daughter's going to get drunk. I almost believe that get married young once and get divorced. Get married. Get it out of your system.

Amy Poehler: But why do you even have to get married?

Zarna Garg: No, because get it out of your system. The women who are not married at all sometimes romanticize it to a point. But like married women look at them and you're like, "Oh my God." It is not like. You know that married women live shorter lives than unmarried women.

Amy Poehler: Yes.

Zarna Garg: And married men live longer.

Amy Poehler: Well, they're taking our lives.

Zarna Garg: They're taking our lives. They're literally like sucking it out of our bodies. Like literally. So I now think my daughter, if she actually, you know, I would be like, "Listen, get married once, a few months, a year or two. Get it out of your system." Because the women I find who have it the hardest are the ones who never married and who are imagining, literally imagining Prince Charming. I'm like, "He farts. It smells bad. His mother is that bad. It's not a story." But get that romance out of it and then focus on your life and build your thing. Worry about building your own life.

Amy Poehler: It's so true. I mean, but it's quite revolutionary the way you talk about motherhood specifically as well as marriage. Because, you know, motherhood is a grind. And it is, no one talks about how tiring it is and how boring it is and how difficult it can be. And we're all supposed to pretend like we're having the best time in our lives and our children are our biggest gifts and miracles. And they are, they're wonderful, wonderful. And I'm so happy to have them. But it's just like from one woman to another, one mother to another, one married woman to another, one divorced woman to another, when you start telling the truth on stage and you hear it from other people, it's a huge relief. You feel really seen. And that's your comedy. Your comedy is really, really good jokes, but you're telling the truth about life in real time. It's why people really respond to you.

Zarna Garg: I mean, I think so. I make jokes about it. And I, you know, I talk about how 16 years of being a stay-at-home mom, I learned that I'm not into my kids. And I like the kids, but it's the job of mothering that's like horrible. And I just say it now. I mean, there's no point. That's the thing. If you're gonna do the comedy, do the comedy.

Amy Poehler: I do four open mics a night here.

Zarna Garg: I can't do that. Do you still do four a night?

Amy Poehler: Absolutely. I'll stop in at any club because I'm building material constantly. I'm building. I'm working on my third hour. I'm working on my second book.

Zarna Garg: Okay, and so we should talk about that because you have a special coming out in July. Tell us. It's called "Practical People Win."

Amy Poehler: Why being around the bush? Such a good title. "Practical People Win."

Zarna Garg: You had a huge special on Amazon. "One in a Billion."

Amy Poehler: "One in a Billion."

Zarna Garg: And you did a movie. What's the name of the movie?

Amy Poehler: "A Nice Indian Boy."

Zarna Garg: "A Nice Indian Boy." And you worked with Jonathan Groff.

Amy Poehler: Yes.

Zarna Garg: Tell us about him.

Amy Poehler: He's my son-in-law in the movie. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. He's unbelievable. I know, so talented. He's so gorgeous. I'm like, "Why are you doing this?" We hang out all the time and I'm like, "Why are you an actor and you're singing and like you should be in med school, John. This is a weekend job." I tell him all the time. And even he's like, "But you know, my plays do well." He's like, "I'm doing okay." The poor guy has to feel like he has to justify to me because I had such an overbearing mom character in that movie that we kind of all became the character. We were together for a month and every day, you know, my director... So just so you know, our director in that movie is not only a movie director but is also a cancer surgeon. He's an Indian guy whose mom won't... Wait, wait, wait. He's a director and a cancer surgeon?

Amy Poehler: Yes, and his mom won't let him quit the medicine for the Hollywood thing.

Zarna Garg: Wow.

Amy Poehler: So three months of the year, he's in Boston at Harvard practicing cancer medicine. Wow, because his mom won't let him quit. She's like, "I don't trust these Hollywood people." She's right. The business is terrible right now. So it's a real thing.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: So I used to tell Jonathan, I'm like, "Look at him. See, he's doing it. Jonathan should do both. Jonathan, you can go to med school while you're on Broadway."

Zarna Garg: Could you imagine if you're dying and Jonathan Groff walks in? That's going to give you life right there.

Amy Poehler: It would be so lovely. That would extend your life by a few weeks right there.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, and he just, as he's giving you a shot, he's just singing a lullaby to you at the same time.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Sounds great, right?

Zarna Garg: I want to ask you about something. I loved this story, and I don't think you've told it. We were texting. We've been on the road a lot. What have you learned about being on the road with me and Tina?

Amy Poehler: Oh my god. We've had a lot of fun on the road, and it's because we don't like having fun on the road.

Zarna Garg: Exactly, because the pressure is not on.

Amy Poehler: That's right. We're not trying to be cool. We're actually actively not trying to be cool. We're not trying to find the hot spots. We're not trying to collaborate with the cool people in town.

Zarna Garg: You guys have famous guests all the time in your shows. And like, I don't see any... I hope we get to see it. You're more like, "Alright, what do we have to meet everybody?" But I appreciate that because you're there for the business that you're there for. I appreciate that you take your audience very seriously.

Amy Poehler: As do you. That's the one thing we have in common.

Zarna Garg: Agree. And I think as women working, that is the bar.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. You have to perform up here if you're going to have a career. And you know that. Tina knows that. And I love that. And then as soon as it's done, it's done.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. We unwind. Sometimes we text each other from our rooms.

Amy Poehler: I know. We're like, "How fast did you get in your pajamas tonight?"

Zarna Garg: But you told me a story about a show you did in Dubai.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Zarna Garg: And I think that that was an amazing travel story. Could you tell me? Because you were traveling during that giant flood or storm. What happened then?

Zarna Garg: First of all, I didn't want to do the show. But the Dubai Comedy Festival, I did it because back home, those women don't see this version of any woman back then. I am one of one in this whole world who does what I do. Very home-style, brown people comedy, take on your mother-in-law and on. And these people had been requesting for so long that please come. The women would love to see you. And I was very torn because I wasn't sure how the comedy... and it's not America. People don't understand what America is. You get up on stage, you trash your president, it's fine. You go on stage, you do that somewhere else, you're going to end up in jail. If you really like it's no joke, you really will not leave the country. So I had mixed feelings, but I agreed to do it. And this is a huge, humongous, once-in-a-lifetime flood while I'm in the air. 20 minutes before we're landing in Dubai, the flight gets diverted to Oman, Muscat. And we land in Muscat, and we're stranded at the airport for three days because all these airplanes landed in Muscat because there was no safe place to land.

Amy Poehler: And you stayed at the airport?

Zarna Garg: At the airport. There was no place to go. And people knew who I was. A lot of people, word spread. So they were like, "Tell her to tweet. Tell her to tweet that we're frustrated. Tell her to tweet that the airlines are..." And I don't do any of that. My page is a very positive page. I'm not one like, "Oh, you, this restaurant sucks." That's not my vibe. So I kept being like, "Guys, I don't do that." I was pleased because they would shove a phone in my face and be like, "Make a video." So I did think that that storm was brought on by my mother-in-law, because she does have a history of trying to destroy my career in many ways. I mean, my comedy special on Amazon has thousands of perfect reviews and then 12 one-stars from the same region in India. You know it's her. You know it's her. She takes people's phones and she presses it. But I was there for three days and I remember texting you because you were worried for me.

Amy Poehler: Because you knew how stressed out I was. Oh, it was so stressful. And I remember at one point you were like, "Oh, so it sounds like you moved to Dubai." I'm like, "What?" Because at the time I was so hopeless that I was like, "Am I ever going to leave?" After two days, you start thinking, "Is this ever going to resolve?" But your text came in, "Oh, it sounds like you've moved there now. It was nice knowing you."

Zarna Garg: And Zarna, I love the end. You write about it in your book. You get on stage, you have an incredible show.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, right? Like you make it with hours to go or something.

Zarna Garg: Minutes. Minutes. It's one of the only shows that went on last year. I think three shows went on. Mine was the only one. And your brother joins you on stage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Zarna Garg: And that was a really powerful moment.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. My brother actually joined me in Mumbai.

Zarna Garg: Oh, in Mumbai.

Amy Poehler: After Dubai, I went to Mumbai, which was very painful.

Zarna Garg: So you went to Dubai and then you ended up in Mumbai.

Amy Poehler: I was very scared of my Mumbai show. I don't like doing comedy in India. I have such a negative association with how people perceive me that I'm not comfortable. But I agreed to do one show and my brother and all his friends and everybody was in the audience. And I just couldn't. I called him up on stage at the end because it's my hometown. You realize what home is when you're gone and you come back and you're like, "Oh my God, I know every street. I know every store. I know every building." Even 30 years later. So I called him up and, oh my God, it was water. I couldn't even control myself. I started crying. He started crying because he was like, "What is this whole thinking, feelings thing happening?" And I think it hit a chord with everybody in the audience because they all had... everybody has that somebody that they miss. Whether it's they lost them to life or death or distance or whatever. And that ending of that show became that moment of like... I told people in India, so here we talk about immigrants in America, right? People who come here. Indian people are used to talking about people who leave and why they leave. And the perception back home very much is that everybody leaves for the money, that you get a good job in America, you earn American dollars, and that's why you leave. And I remember telling them, I was like, "You know, in India, I'm referred to as an NRI. That's a non-resident Indian." And I said, "You know, not every non-resident Indian is an asshole. Like we didn't all just see the money and escape. Some of us actually were just trying to survive. Like we left such... I remember weeping through the entire flight to Ohio. And some of us can't believe that we're not here yet." And I think that that's the first time they had heard that from somebody who is considered successful in America. They are much more used to American Indians coming back to India and telling them everything that's wrong with India. "You need to fix these potholes. You need to be more democratic. Give women more rights." They go back and they sermonize because they're so successful, they feel like they've seen a better life. And I'm the opposite. I have so much love for India. I have so much pain in my heart for leaving. Not just my brother. I went and visited all those old fruit sellers. And they're all gone. But I met my driver. My driver, who's a character in my book. Also the guy who drove me around so I could sit in air conditioning and read in peace. That was a thing in my childhood. So I remember making that speech and the whole audience was in tears. We were like, "We are all much more one than we think." Whether you live there or you live here or whatever your story is, at the end of the day, the human emotions are the same. I didn't want to come here. I really thought I was going to live in India and make my life. I thought my mom would be swimming with me till I was 50 years old. And I met my mom's best friend.

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God.

Zarna Garg: That was the most painful. My mom's best friend.

Amy Poehler: Came to the show?

Zarna Garg: Came to the show.

Amy Poehler: Wow.

Zarna Garg: Amy, I was gutted. I was like, "You got 40 more years of life." And she was like, "If your mom was alive, she would be so proud." And I was like, "Oh, my God. I'm not sure about that, actually." I'm not. I was like, "Oh." Because I remember when my horoscope, my astrologer told my mom that this girl is going to talk and talk and talk at my birth. My mom was terrified for me. But my mom's best friend was in the show too. And she was like... I can't. I want to share that you gave me this bracelet. And also people should know it's an expensive bracelet. Zarna loves expensive things. You're always telling me to go buy fancy things.

Amy Poehler: We're kind... you're kind of a pusher when it comes to shopping.

Zarna Garg: Well, we have reasons. I'll have a bad day and I'll be like, "Amy, this was a Gucci tote level bad day."

Amy Poehler: Yeah, and you understand. And I say, "I think that makes perfect sense. Why do we work so hard if we can't do that?" But you gave me a beautiful bracelet and you told me that it had... can you explain?

Zarna Garg: So in India, we have a day, a religious day, that is traditionally celebrated between brothers and sisters called Raksha Bandhan, where the sister ties a bracelet around the brother's wrist and promises to love him. And he in turn promises to protect her. That's how that tradition started. In the modern iteration of it, sisters tie to each other a bracelet. It's usually a modest red thread, but we don't play that way. We don't roll with the modest red thread situation. And I feel so grateful to have you. And, okay, it's Amy's podcast. So I don't feel as grateful about Tina.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, let's just focus on me.

Zarna Garg: Tina's not here.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, let's just focus. Tina doesn't have a podcast.

Zarna Garg: I'll tell Tina what you said.

Amy Poehler: Does she have a podcast? No. She doesn't have a podcast. Not even one. So it's Amy's number one.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. I feel so grateful. You guys kind of took me under your wing. And I wanted to express the promise that we take very seriously back home. It's this thread that we tie. And we really, it's a commitment. It's not just a thread. I'm living that commitment with my siblings. I lived with my sister for years. Could you imagine having to take in a sibling for years? And I was outspoken even in Ohio. I had my moments with my siblings everywhere. Of course. I still love my brother dearly. And it's something like I know if anything goes sideways in my life, he will be there on day one. So I gave you this bracelet. And also, I love giving. I do.

Amy Poehler: I know, you are a giver. You're very generous, aren't you?

Zarna Garg: No, but I love... giving is so much more fun than getting.

Amy Poehler: Than getting. Yeah. Well, I could talk to you forever, and I have, but I want to end with a good segue, which is we both took this Enneagram test and we found out we were the same number. For the people who care, we are both, Zarna and I are both Enneagram eights, which is kind of rare for women. But very quickly, what that means is we're challengers. If someone says, "You know, this way, you have to walk this way," Zarna and I are like, "What about this way?" We like to question authority basically. And you've talked about it a lot, like how you kept saying, "Well, maybe I could do it this way. Well, what about this way?" And I never have to guess how you feel, and I love that. That relaxes me.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Some people are different. But before we go, I wanted to read to you, if anyone who cares about this kind of fun personality stuff, I wanted to read to you things that annoy an Enneagram eight. See if you agree.

Zarna Garg: Okay.

Amy Poehler: Okay. People who talk just to talk.

Zarna Garg: Oh, annoyed. The worst.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, the worst.

Zarna Garg: Please don't.

Amy Poehler: You know, like people that are like, you're on a conference call and they're like, "I just also think..." And it's just like, you're just talking. No, no, please don't think. Please don't think. Like when they start that, it's like...

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Fake people. Can't stand.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. Just say it. We don't have to agree, but I still appreciate the honesty.

Amy Poehler: Totally agree. I love... I don't even have to agree with anybody. I like conflict. It makes me feel kind of alive.

Zarna Garg: You do like conflict.

Amy Poehler: I do like conflict. A little bit.

Zarna Garg: Indecisiveness. No. Can't. No. Just make a plan. Please leave the chat now.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. If you're going to add 10 more layers of shit, we go here. Should we not go here? I will be like, "You're out."

Zarna Garg: Me too. I'm starting another chat. And I bet you're like me too when people, when the bill comes and everyone wants to pay. It's like, "Please, someone just pay. Someone just pay. It's not that deep. It's an egg salad. Relax."

Amy Poehler: People who need constant praise.

Zarna Garg: Oh my God. I know. I love it. Cannot stand it.

Amy Poehler: Cannot. Like to me, if you're doing a good job, I love to tell people they're doing a good job, and so do you. But to me, no news is good news. And don't wait for it. Don't be fishing for it.

Zarna Garg: The worst are the fishers. The ones that are like, "I just, I guess I just was kind of sad that I didn't hear that..." And you're like, "Oh, that you did a good job? Great job." Now, first of all, you did the job you were paid to do, so let's just say that. Because we're in a generation now, you got to pay these people and constantly mother them. You got to tell them a good job. I'm like, "You know, I don't pay people to do a bad job."

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but you got to tell them.

Zarna Garg: Yeah, you do.

Amy Poehler: And then the last one, which I love, is asserting power in a situation where they have none. That one really struck me. When others pretend that they have power when they don't.

Zarna Garg: Oh, that's so lame.

Amy Poehler: Like, what comes up for me, and I mean, a lot of stuff comes up for me at airports, is TSA.

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but they... you got to play the game a little bit. Of course. You kind of have to. But here's how I play the game. I'm completely prepared. I would never go through TSA with any... if my alarm goes off, I'm fully shamed for a day. If I forget to take my water bottle out, I don't deserve to fly. But when someone asserts power... I mean, that's actually not really true now that I think about it because they do have power. But when someone pretends they have power and they don't, that makes me nuts.

Zarna Garg: But they do it all the time. These are petty games.

Amy Poehler: It drives me nuts, but I play it. Of course.

Zarna Garg: You know, like doctor's office, they'll be like, "We don't have an appointment." "We have an appointment." "We don't have an appointment." I'm like, "Let's play this game for five minutes and then give me the appointment."

Amy Poehler: Well, what are you... how are you like with doctors? Because I'm very challenging with doctors.

Zarna Garg: I was going to say very bad. And now ChatGPT has made it worse. I'm always like, "Who made you the boss?" And they're like, "A school. I went to school."

Amy Poehler: But as soon as they come in, I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no." And you're that way too?

Zarna Garg: The worst. And I have so many questions for them.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. And the last thing I'll ask you is, what are you listening to right now that's making you laugh? What are you watching? What do you do to laugh? I mean, your job is comedy.

Zarna Garg: The Good Hang Podcast. Rachel Dratch, you can't top that moment. I'm sorry. I'm so glad you were part of it. The dog, the doorbell, the Uber driver. We were all so frazzled. We were like, "What is happening?"

Amy Poehler: I know. I was like, "Is she creating it for a minute?" I was like, "Did she plan this?" But she couldn't have.

Zarna Garg: No. Rachel Dratch continues to be such a wonderful, not only friend and comedian, but for me, she helps my mental health. Because I used to watch Debbie Downer when I needed to just laugh. And now she's yet again provided a moment for me that I go back to and watch. It's going to be one for the ages.

Amy Poehler: I go back to it, too. But do you watch comedy?

Zarna Garg: Yeah, I do. I watch all the stand-up comics. I don't enjoy comedy.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, I mean, I'll move through it. And I also see them in real life a lot. But we do it for our jobs. So sometimes I just really don't want to watch it. Because if it's good, I'm a little bit like, "Damn, that's good." And if it's bad, it's just like, "What am I doing?"

Zarna Garg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but you do watch other comedians?

Zarna Garg: I watch all of it.

Amy Poehler: Who are you like right now? Who are you loving to watch?

Zarna Garg: I mean, so many great women comics. Oh, my God. Hannah Berner.

Amy Poehler: I know. Hannah's great.

Zarna Garg: Hannah and I, we have our own little thing, too. And I know you have your thing. She's amazing. And it's stand-up comedy, but it's like adjacent. It's got this social media angle to it, which is my space. So I love seeing the moms who are creating all this weird things around stand-up comedy. Because for so long it was dominated only by men. And they did it their way, which is like the minimum effort. 25%. Just put your shirt on. Not even, don't even iron it. Show up and just speak. But the women like brick wall, literal brick wall. And look at this. No plants. No fake food. Nothing. But the women are doing like Jessica Kirson, who's a friend of mine. She's lesbian. She's a mom of four. It's so much interesting stuff happening in that space. Those are my favorites to watch.

Amy Poehler: Awesome. Zarna, I could talk to you forever. I really do feel like you're such a great example of... it's never too late to meet, you know.

Zarna Garg: It's never too late. It's never too late. I like to say that if you win the day before you die, you still won.

Amy Poehler: I love that, Zarna.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. And it's about winning. Big things coming. Big things coming always.

Amy Poehler: Why did I marry this guy? I told him. Big things.

Zarna Garg: Yeah. Big things are coming always. And big things are here.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Zarna Garg. Love you.

Zarna Garg: Thank you, Amy Poehler.

Amy Poehler: Well, Zarna, thank you so much. You're amazing. Your book, *This American Woman*. Check it out. And I'm going to take this time for this polar plunge to just plug Zarna's stuff because Zarna would want me to do that. And all of her stuff is so great. So check out her old special, *One in a Billion*, on Amazon. Check out her new special that just came out, *Practical People Win*. Check out any of the dates where she's touring. And she's so great. It is a great night out. And of course, *This American Woman*, her New York bestseller. Zarna Garg, everywhere, taking over this business as she should. So thank you for joining us, Zarna. Thank you for listening to *Good Hang*. And we'll see you soon. Bye.

[Outro music begins]

Amy Poehler: You've been listening to *Good Hang*. The executive producers for this show are Bill Simmons, Jenna Weiss-Berman, and me, Amy Poehler. The show is produced by The Ringer and Paper Kite. For The Ringer, production by Jack Wilson, Kat Spillane, Kaya McMullin, and Alaya Zanaris. For Paper Kite, production by Sam Green, Joel Lovell, and Jenna Weiss-Berman. Original music by Amy Miles.

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