Side Stories: Law & Otter

Henry Zabrowski: There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Yes. New LPN dog in the house. It's a cute dog. It's Champ. It's Champ. It's Rob's new dog. And I'm playing with him. Say hi to the people, Champ. Wow, nothing. Nothing, huh? Wow. You're no Indiana Jones. You know Indiana Jones, that's for certain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not yet. Okay, now I'm going to let him go and he's going to get caught in the wires. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him run around. He's got sharp puppy teeth. He does, yeah. He got me good. I'm training him how to bite people. Yeah, it's good to do. Good boy. Get him real aggressive. Hate every man, hate every man, attack every man you see. Okay, now I got them all crazy. I'll give them to you. Yeah, good work. And now I'm sitting here. You had a puppy in front of you. I have the deeply emasculating iPad again. Oh, yes. What happened to you? My computer just exploded again. I gotta get a new one. I do wonder if it's the sheer passion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it just can't handle it. Yeah, cause it's just you love it too much. Oh, yeah. Cause I'm always like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Especially when I'm alone. Nothing is more passionate than the masturbating of a married man alone. Oh, man. I was just hanging out with my boys in Orlando, and I rented two townhouses. Yes. Okay? And then one of them has, you know, my buddy was in the king bed, and I was sleeping in a twin bed. That's very nice of you. It was very nice. It was very nice of me, and I did it, and I was fine. But then my other buddies- It shows that you could still be one of the people. But the thing is, the other place was like the townhouse full of married men and they weren't staying the last night. So I'm like, oh, I'll go over there and then I'll take the nice bed in the other place, you know, separate. And then I thought, this married man never sleeps in the bed of a married man. He's away for one night. Oh, yeah. Married man with kids. It was. I didn't even want to look at the bed, dude. I was like, you know what? I'm going to go. I'm going to sleep in that twin bed one more time because I don't know what he did in there. Something like shit. I don't wipe and I just don't put underwear on. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sometimes they'll roll around and I eat in bed. Yeah. If I'm alone, if the women are gone, especially people who like us, it don't matter. We're gone all the time. Yes. So it's like I've lost the romance of being by myself on the road. No, there is none. There's none anymore. But these guys, they're never alone. No. So you know it was like he probably went for like four or five times. Oh, very much so. And they're doing stuff. They're doing like Albert Fish stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some point. Like if you're that type of Mary, that really honestly scares me. That scares me. Yeah. So I slept in a twin bed for three nights. Well, you don't look like it. Thank you. Thank you. It's weird being in a bed that you're bigger than. I know. Just like your hands and feet hanging off the side of it. You're like, oh, we better bring him four whole roast chickens or he'll destroy the inn.

Ed Larson: Welcome to Side Stories.

Henry Zabrowski: I'm Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with the too big for a twin bed, Ed Larson. How you doing? What's going on, buddy? I haven't seen you in hours. Almost. Almost a full 24 hours. Eddie and I just got back from Crime Wave at Sea. We can't talk enough about how much fun we had. It was just, it was so good getting to know everybody, hanging out with the fans. Not one shit bag in the bunch. That was my rule. I couldn't believe it. That was my hard and fast rule at the very, very top was like, if any single massive horrific emergency happens at all, we're never doing this again. Yeah. But honestly, nobody died. Nobody got hurt. I know that there was some wife swapping. Yes. Not with ours. Not with ours. Not with ours. No, no, no. Not with ours. Our wives can't stand other husbands. No, no, no. They're barely like us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's one of those. Truly, you guys were really, really good. We can confirm there was at least one orgy. I know that there was honestly, dude, Rob, you missed out, man. It was a blast. Everybody was in really good spirits and we want to thank you. We saw people change who they were by the end of it. You know, people showed up like they're real mousy and by the end they're like dancing on top of each other like dangerously crazy. It was wild. It was pretty amazing. So that was the Crime Wave at Sea. Thank you guys. Everybody over at IRL Events and Royal Caribbean, Bratt and Ryan, truly all you animals. Can't believe it. Can't believe nobody died. And Robert the Cop and Royal Caribbean. Honestly, it was pretty nice. Oh, yeah. Except for the fact that Eddie and I are going to talk about this, you know, just very quickly because we don't want this to... We are going to eventually develop our own uncle segment. We're going to need to do this separate from everything. Two, we are at this point. At first we were like, ah, should we do this every week? But now I just realized we are that. You want me saying no cap and shit? Sorry. We're not going to become flagrant here. All right? Yeah, we're not doing that. We're not saying, I don't even know what it means. And I won't know.

Ed Larson: Let's call you guys unks now. That's fine. I'll take that. I'll take that. That's dead ass, dude.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, it's super fucking dead ass. I do like dead ass. I do enjoy dead ass. I do as well. But Royal Caribbean, no midnight buffet. What the fuck? We're talking about this for months. We're talking about the midnight buffet. I mean it. After just pizza. There was no food. There was just pizza. But you have to wait. Even that pizza, you had to wait online for so long. We are already, we're all charged up. We're all filled with the water. Midnight buffet is a real thing that should exist. It always has. Also, none of the floors on the ship have fun names anymore. They don't do the names anymore because people get lost. It's just one and two and three and four. Fuck you. Also, my promenade. In the middle of all this calamity of the fucking government shutdown and air traffic controllers calling out and it's extremely, extremely fucked up to be traveling right now through the air. One of the things that drove me fucking nuts was coming out of Fort Lauderdale and we were on time to our connecting flight. The old pieces of shit that were getting onto that plane made us miss the connection. It took an hour and 20 minutes to board. There were 30 wheelchairs and each one of them was difficult. They weren't smiling and shit. They're all coming going, I missed the old wheelchair. Like they're all like glad and they're all surprised they were in a plane. You know what old people? What happens to old people? At some point you hit 72 years old and it's like you lose the ability to emotionally regulate, to be able to figure out how to do things on your own. Yeah. Old people, I think, really, like, it's always nice. You always have these dreams. Like, oh, I'm going to take Meemaw to Paris one day. Leave Meemaw at home. Old people need to stay at home. They're done. I think it's official. Leave Meemaw at home. Keep her at home. Oh, before we go on past the cruise, though, I got to say, shout out to my boy Gator. Gator Chris, you came for the crown. You didn't fucking make it. You came super close. Dude, you guys did not know. We had the most epic Connect Four battle that Ed has ever... He was good. He was really good. You guys, this is one of the big unadvertised elements of a cruise with us. The fact that a man arrived at our Q&A with a Connect Four board after Ed Larson has said multiple times he is undefeated amongst our friend group in playing Connect Four. They did an exhibition match.

Ed Larson: Which he won. His name's Chris, right? His name's Chris. Yeah, he did great. I think he's like a doctor or something. Some kind of fucking stupid doctor. Don't be his patient because he can't even win in Connect Four. But then during our dance competition, in which I almost bested five competitors against me, two nine inch nails hurt. Eddie beat the shit out of Chris. Best of five. It went to full five. Both of us had fault matches too. So it was really intense. It actually was the best of five that went seven games. I made $2,500, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: That's really cool. Yeah, I mean, on that and... I love illegal gambling at C's. And the money that I made from that caused that person not to be able to get home. Yeah, what are you going to do? Yeah, from the... Now he's eating cats. And I have no sympathy for them. No, you can't. Why would you have sympathy for a loser? Yeah, losers lose. Losers lose. When you play me in Connect Four, you fucking lose. That's the thing. W's are W. Yeah. So if we ever cruise again, I hope to see some of you fuckers coming to challenge me and try to take the crown. Because I am the fucking champion. You know what? This is untrained, by the way. I haven't played in years, and I'm still the goddamn champion. I know. You're like Bo Jackson. Yeah, I really am. I just show up, unpracticed, fucking home run. Just do it. That's what truly impressed me. Yeah, I don't give a shit about shit. You go fuck yourselves, you motherfuckers. Although I did like the Chris guy. I thought he was very nice. He was extremely funny. And everybody, again, thank you to everybody that came to Crime Wave at Sea. We had a fucking blast. Yeah, someone gave me a pile of tiny orcas that I was just giving to people the whole time. Oh, yeah, that was really cute, Ashley. That was really cute. Yeah, Ashley hooked me up with all them tiny orcas. Thank you. Thank you for everybody, all the lovely guests. Speaking of tiny orcas, I'm going to be in San Diego this weekend. If you're around on Sunday, San Diego, Mic Drop Comedy.

Ed Larson: Are tiny orcas, is that the name of your new fan base?

Henry Zabrowski: I am turning into a tiny orca. That is what's happening. You're eating a lot of tinned fish. Yes. Oh, I love it. Yes. So come see me this weekend if you're in San Diego. We're going to have a lot of fun with Amber, Ashley, and Julie. You can smell them. Yes. The smell of smoked herring. Like he's the queen of Switzerland. God knows what they eat over there. We have a little bit of an update. First of all, the response I got back talking about my obviously vulnerable admission about your underwear don't work, it falls down inside of my pants. I'm going to add this here. 76, 83, 88 on. We have over 120 responses. Really? So this happens. This happens. You're not the only person this happens to. No, you connected with the... I want to say also, I want to really say thank you to the beautiful woman contingent that are dealing with this and to those of you that sent pictures. Great. So many people sending pictures of their deflated underwear, how it won't hang, obvious evidence.

Ed Larson: What were the pictures? Like, just stuff of, like, their pants, like, wearing tight pants and underwear bunched up at the very bottom of the pants.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, okay. These people aren't sending you general pictures. No, I wish. No, no. It's just, don't wish for it. They'll send it. I know. But I'm just saying, I saw a lot of evidence of it, and it's the women's bravery that came forward that really kind of touched me a lot. And a lot of people, obviously, there was a lot of very funny answers about how I'm supposed to fix this problem. Again, to elucidate. My underwear falls down inside of my pants. Yes. And it makes my life difficult. Several people, this is kind of the responses I got. Some really funny joke answers. I got some, there's several just pictures of Hank Hill's butt. Several messages of just stop wearing underwear, thanks. My wife loves that. My jeans love that. I can see you in a thong. High-waisted underwear combined with slacks, right? No more jeans. Which also, what's high-waisted underwear for a man? I think that's a girdle. I'm again, I'm not fine there. But finally, this is the actual answer that I'm now trying to figure out what to do because they're saying the big answer that I'm getting from ladies is to switch to cloth button-up. Cloth button-up. Yes. So this is what they're saying from Ashley. "I studied fashion in college, and I might be able to put you on the right path with solving your egg-shaped man underwear problem. Elastic will always try to find the narrowest part of your body. Tying elastic around the waist is how we find the smallest part of a woman's torso in dressmaking. Therefore, doing that thing, whether it seems logical and getting tighter waist, will not work. This is also why it doesn't matter what size you are. If your middle isn't the narrowest part of you, your waistband will move somewhere that it is. I would suggest either going for pairs that are just staying up so that the elastic isn't strained as much, or cloth button-up boxers, there's no elastic ring to betray you." Rob just put up a piece of underwear in which I'm supposed to wear underwear from the tops of my knees to my rib cage. So I'm supposed to wear a bodysuit like I am. I mean, winter's coming up, dude. You know what? I gotta say, though, they have smalls available, but extra large and large they're sold out. So this makes me think they work. The bigger sizes are sold out. It makes me think that this works. Men are seriously wearing full body underoos in which it has a built in thong. It makes your touch look nice. Rounder Bum is the company. They're not sponsored. It is a built in thong.

Ed Larson: How are you supposed to get it out of this to fucking have diarrhea?

Henry Zabrowski: Honestly Henry, I think this would be really good for you, like, at least on stage. I feel like it's...

Ed Larson: Like, on stage? It's just about on stage. Yeah, it's about on stage. It's not about when I'm sitting here. Or if you're at a wedding, you know, and you're doing a lot of dancing or something. Or performing at a wedding. Yeah, performing at a wedding. Doing karaoke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I don't think... I think in this situation, you can keep your dirty horrible underwear, but like, I think, oh, this guy's got a full suit. That is ridiculous. What in the living fuck is this for? They can't even get models to do this. It's all like skins. It's AI drawings. Yeah, it's AI drawings of people. It's like a video game. I'm now looking at a full body underwear piece that involves like, it's like a one piece bathing suit for a man with sleeves. Bringing it back. Why? I'd love to see you in this. What purpose? I feel like Spanx would be good for you.

Henry Zabrowski: Spanx hurt. Do they? You've tried them. Yes. Really? Spanx hurt.

Ed Larson: Was it getting spanked? Because I've heard that hurts. Sometimes, sometimes this is just the right way. I like when they spank me in the middle. Yeah, nothing's like right in the hole. Right in the hole and then like some of you lick it.

[Ad Break for "Bloodbath" RPG series]

Henry Zabrowski: We have stories today, guys. I promise you we'll get to some stories. Right from your grave. The year is 2012. The setting, New York City. There are a thousand stories in the naked city, and this one is about blood. Vampires are real. They stalk the streets, feeding on the living. Nobody is safe. Join me, Henry Zabrowski, along with Jackie Zabrowski and veteran TRPG player Ross Bryant for an actual play series set in the Vampire the Masquerade universe from the mind of Game Master Jared Logan. The show will premiere on the LPN TV YouTube channel starting on Wednesday, October 29th, and will release on a weekly basis. People will die, then get back up and bite you. Will my character succumb to the beast within? Can Jackie navigate the Byzantine intrigues of the dam? The future is a mystery. All we know is it's going to be a bloodbath. LPN RPG presents Bloodbath. Every Wednesday on the LPN TV YouTube channel. It all begins on October 29th. Enjoy the mysteries. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There was a... Actually, I want to hear it once. We got an update for you. It's an island adventure. Yeah. Heck yeah. It's Jeffrey time. What's our update? Is it how Ghislaine is getting special treatment in this jail? Yes. So this is the big thing that the new news that's coming out is obviously the Trump administration said that Ghislaine Maxwell was getting no different, separate, or any form of cushy treatment at the brand new medium security jail. She was dropped off, even though she's a convicted human trafficker. They went, she's apparently now, the whistleblowers from inside the jail, because we've been covering this, how they're shutting people up from calling about what's going on inside of the jail. Like her fellow prisoners, we now know for a fact that she's being led in a form of like, where the way they put it was like, she's being like diamond class. Yeah. She's being waited on hand and foot, and they're bringing her special food, and they're giving her special allowances to go work out, and they're doing all this stuff. So Ghislaine is getting very, very comfortable down there. Yeah, she really is. She's staying in her Ghislaine. That's for damn sure. Absolutely. And there's a lot. They're really trying to... She's still seeking commutation of her sentence. We know that's going to happen. We know P. Diddy's also next on the list, not looking as likely because P. Diddy's not doing well in jail right now. He got hammered. He's making a lot of bad mistakes. He got caught doing an illegal triple Zoom call. Oh. He got caught. How did he do a triple Zoom call? He was doing a, he literally merged. Oh. He was merging in jail. He got that. He's in a lot of trouble. Merged in therapy. And I also got a really interesting email from somebody that said, part of the reason why we're seeing this massive dragging their feet of opening up the government. We don't know that there's a nominal agreement to maybe open the government again because Democrats fold because they're a bunch of cowardless, spineless pieces of shit. Cocksucker cowards. We all sit in here getting our ass handed to us and you're just going to quit for nothing? Literally just watching the plane tumbles out of the sky and people whatever, fine, whatever. This is not... We not MSNBC. Yeah. Fetterman sucks. Yep. We don't... So we now know that nothing has been confirmed. Again, this is coming out tomorrow, so it's going to be, God knows what the news is going to be, really. But it seems that one of the big issues here is a, there are documents inside of this file that are actually quite bad for the president of the United States of America. So I'm getting little birdies telling me that a part of the issue is that, and I'm going to do this. What's fun is that I'm just going to say this without any proof because I can. Well, we don't, you know, alleged details. Yeah, I love it. Is that Trump's got pictures. There are pictures of Trump with children. Well, I mean, of course. I mean, he had the beauty pageant. He bragged about walking around and checking them out naked. Yeah, so we, that's kind of, they're saying that part of the reason why they are really trying to fight this, the government from opening this, because they are hoping that the clout that they will get, the political clout that they will get from opening, from this happening after how badly everyone's going to be angry at them from opening up the government. Yeah. Because they're going to do this vote. They're going to rush this Epstein vote. Again, I'll believe it when I see it. Yeah, I'll believe it when I, for sure. Yes, but. It doesn't matter. They're taking away our health insurance. Oh, no. Either way, they did the thing that they wanted to do in the first place. Don't worry. Democrats wanted to do it, too. Yeah. So it's not a partisan issue. They hate that you want to live. They just wish that you could work for free. And I get it. It's so hard. Oh, fuck Schumer. Oh, man. Schumer needs to be put away. I think public spanking would be great. I'd love to see him just kill him. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, I'd kill him. Take his pants down. No. No. Just spank him in public? The act of you, of someone taking his pants down, might kill him. You think so? Oh, he gets so... It'll be a little chilly. He gets so excited, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When's the last time someone's voluntarily taken his pants down that wasn't, like, assured that their lives were going to be destroyed? Yeah, the last person who gave him a blowjob had to adjust their readers. Because they just sit right at the very end of his penis like that. That's our part. It just dangles. It's that new Zoomer thing. All right. We've got some other stories. Eddie, what do we got?

Ed Larson: All right. Well, the first one, you know, I love my animal stories. This one's great. It comes out of Malaysia. A wild elephant broke a man's leg in an attack and then later that night returned and killed him.

Henry Zabrowski: Now, I feel like this is the second time I'm hearing something like this.

Ed Larson: Well, the other one was the case that was in India. This was years ago. This is like three or four years ago now. Where the details are fuzzy to me in this other case, but basically this woman did something horrible to this elephant. The elephant killed her and then later came back and destroyed her funeral.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes, I remember that. That was awesome. That was a great story. I love the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fucking metal as fuck.

Ed Larson: But this one was a lager. I don't think he was actually doing anything wrong except for cutting down trees.

Henry Zabrowski: What, the problem is the elephant more of an IPA elephant? Oh, my goodness! Stole that from you. Yes, yes, because I dressed Julie up like a lager. Yes, but a Malaysian man, his name was Saidi Jahari, 43 years old, was working in a logging site in northern part of the country when this incident occurred. The elephant attacked him while he was working, and it broke both of his fucking legs after it stomped on him a bunch. Ah! What the fuck? Was he coming onto his territory or something?

Ed Larson: Mostly, I mean, everywhere is an elephant's territory. If you're in the woods. Not my house. Well, yeah, but you're in the woods. If an elephant tried to roll into my property, I would have no compunction with shooting it in the head. Trying to come into my property? I'm pretty sure it would kill you. Yeah. It would kill you immediately. But we might get scared of the dogs. Elephants are actually scared of dogs in a weird way. Remember that video we showed? Was that the video? I showed you that video on the stream. What? With the elephant kicking the badger. Oh, yes. With the badger. Yeah, and it just keeps just like punting the badger away. Badgers are tough, though. They don't give a fuck about nothing. But so they broke the dude's legs and they brought him inside and it was just a tent. You know, it wasn't like an actual structure. Yeah, sure. And they brought him inside for temporary protection. But not long after, a bull elephant, believed to be the herd leader, returned, attacked him again and ended up taking his life the second attack.

Henry Zabrowski: You need a fucking pass if you're coming up in my crib. Yeah, dude. That's what that shit is, man. Yeah, man, elephants never forget. Never forget, dude. They never fucking forget. You fucked up, you took his trees, he's coming back, and you're going to kill your ass. That's my trees. Yeah. Elephants use trees as money. That's right. All right? That's my money. You're fucking with my money. That's where my leaves are.

Ed Larson: Well, maybe they feel like they're part tree because they both have trunks.

Henry Zabrowski: Cute. And deeply incorrect. They're not trees at all. I feel like it sees it go and it's just like, man, that guy's been hanging out with Mowgli all day. Mowgli's saying stuff like- This is Mowgli's hood. Oh, very much so. And I can see Mowgli saying to this elephant, that's the guy that fucking over there. That's the guy over there. He tried to make me his little wife or whatever. You know what I mean? He saw me, tried to paint me with one of the colors of the wind or whatever. And then fucking that elephant's like, let me handle this shit. Yeah. You're right, Mowgli. I'm sick of watching these goddamn- being like, oh, these guys are trying to gentrify my neighborhood? Colors of the Wind, though, is, of course, Pocahontas. They're all the same. There's no elephants in Pocahontas. But everybody's got Colors of the Wind access. If you have a loincloth on, you can access the Colors of the Wind. That's how it works. That's Disney math. I wonder if it's that. Yeah, but otherwise, they came back, they killed him. There isn't much to the story other than it's just pretty fucking cool. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I find it to be cool. Well, elephants attacking you, it's like an elephant singling you out to murder you is just straight up like, how do you, we're all like, what'd you do wrong? When I was, when I, when I went on my trip to Africa and I did a couple of little safaris that I'd, each time I had a different like safari leader in the Jeep. And then one guy, one of the safari leaders was just terrified of elephants. It was just like, anytime he saw an elephant, he'd like turn the Jeep around and like go in the other direction. I do think that they are very... It's just like anything else. Lions, he didn't care, whatever. But if he saw an elephant, he's like, oh, nope, not going that way. He was terrified of them.

Ed Larson: I wonder if it's just because of the way they travel their territory. They're such an unstoppable force. Yeah, as soon as you piss them off. It's just they're so big, they're so strong, and they're so intelligent. So they're really hard to beat. Do you think you could probably, like, punch a lion in the head? No. But that's why they have the kitty clumpers. Yes. But, like, it's not like a shark. Because then they say, like, truly with sharks, like, you could probably punch a shark away. If you get lucky, they say hit it in the nose. That's what they say, sure. They say hit it in the nose, but good luck. If you miss, your arm's going right in the mouth.

Henry Zabrowski: I'm going for the dick. I don't think you're going to reach it. Pull right up in there. Yeah, I always thought eyes and gills, personally. Yeah, but elephants, they'll fucking come after your ass. I just wonder, side stories, l-p-o-t-l-a-gmail.com, what makes elephants so angry? Yeah, and if you've got any crazy elephant stories, I'd really like to hear them. Please. Yeah, because elephants, they're really fucking awesome.

Ed Larson: All right, here we go. Here's another horrible story. Oh, we like that. This is a horrible story. Nobody likes this story. Woman, chained up in a backyard, was beaten and tortured by her friends because they, quote, didn't like her anymore. Oh. Now, that is, it's truly. Kind of need more of a reason than that. It's very, very inappropriate. This takes place in, I'm going to say, a horrible place right outside of Austin, Texas. I'm correct. A woman was chained and tortured in the backyard for months. Now, these guys, I guess that she was... Two dudes, three women. It is very similar to the story. Do you remember we covered the story about... They all blend together, to be honest with you. This is another one that is... I'm going to try to gently package this. Okay, cool. Sounds like it's offensive. Definitely.

Henry Zabrowski: Group of mentally handicapped group fucks, right? Polycule. It was a mentally handicapped polycule where they kicked out the last of the mentally handicapped ones. You remember the story? You remember Rob? Yeah, with the husband and the son. She was like in a relationship with a guy and also that guy's son and they found the guy outside of the 7-Eleven and they were like talking with him. So that kind of reminds me of this story. Yes, this is them right here. Yeah, Ohio polygamists. Yeah, these guys. This is like literally the worst. Oh, I remember this crew. Yeah, Martina Jones, Aaron Bradshaw. They all look like... They loved that big woman. God, they did. They all took turns getting a piece of Martina Jones. It sounds like this was kind of similar. These are five... Me and Mrs. Jones! Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah. God, please get me on that list. These are the guys that were arrested. Michelle Garcia, Crystal Garcia, that was Michelle's daughter, Mosh Carney that was also Michelle's daughter, Juan Pablo Castro that was the young daughter's husband. Mosh Carney is the name of a person? I think it's Mash. M-A-C-H-E. There's Mache. It could be Mache. I know that Cache is one. Cash. I know the really awesome guy that makes shoes that I love, he's called Mash and it's spelled the same way. But I believe it's called, I believe it might be Mache like paper Mache because I don't think any of these people have the reading ability to name something good. I think that we got Maynard Lefevers. Lefevers. Yeah, Maynard. And they were arrested. I guess they had all lived together. They would live together for years. Carney told investigators. Now, this was the one of the daughters. They lived with a family, and they said that they admitted they'd kept her outside in the yard and restrained her from leaving at first. Michelle Garcia reportedly said, "If you don't like them, why are you keeping them around?"

Henry Zabrowski: Michelle Garcia reportedly said she began handcuffing the woman months earlier because the woman would relieve herself in the yard. And Garcia did not want her neighbors seeing that.

Ed Larson: But my thing is, Michelle, if you're going to handcuff her outside, she's going to continue to use the bathroom outside. Handcuff her inside. That's a little thing you got to tell. It's a little note there.

Henry Zabrowski: Pissing in the backyard ain't enough. It really is not enough.

Ed Larson: It's not enough. The publication reported that Carney further told police they began handcuffing the woman to prevent her from stealing, claiming the neighbors had complained. She also claimed that the woman had agreed to be being restrained, which is definitely not true. Crystal Garcia, another one of the daughters, told law enforcement that the victim was only maybe 50-50 capable of consent. And multiple suspects claimed the woman suffered from mental health issues.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes. Yes, I believe that. Yes, absolutely. That's the first thing I believe. They said they eliminated her food because she had gotten chunky, and then they started shooting her with an electric BB gun because they didn't want to beat her with their hands. And then they asked her, finally in the end, they asked the group, why would you do this? And all of them said, it's because we fucking hate her.

Ed Larson: Yeah, that's not enough. I hate lots of people. It's very much childlike in its naivete of the situation, which probably begs, which kind of shows a little bit more of the mentality of the people involved.

Henry Zabrowski: I feel like everyone knows. I don't think, I think that if you were to take all their IQ points together, you could maybe break three digits. Like I think that if we put the whole Kit and caboodle together as one One crew Right? I think that this is They had her for months Tied up in the backyard And I will say maybe She was unlikable Doesn't mean she deserved it Let her go

Ed Larson: Well I think that if no one's looking for her for months How do they even know that she's missing?

Henry Zabrowski: I don't know I honestly don't know This is all going to come out. This is the very beginning of this story. It's a horrible story, but it did remind me of an even more sad story. The story of, if anybody had heard about this, Shanquala Robinson, who was beaten to death, it seemed like she was beaten to death in Cabo San Lucas, by her five friends. They went on vacation with people she sort of knew, and Mexican authorities got a call saying that their friend died of, basically passed out due to alcohol consumption. Yeah, they got there to kind of vaguely kind of corrupt hotel doctors said like, oh, well, look at her. They, you know, they didn't say anything about the fact that she had a gigantic contusion on her face. She obviously her neck was broken because then when the coroner took a look at her, they found out that she died from extensive wounds to the head and a broken neck. And we know that there was also a released leaked cell phone video of her friends all beating her while she's naked on a balcony. Like, it's really fucked up. It's a horrific story. but it's just another thing being like I'm going all the way to Cabo to do this

Ed Larson: yeah well they probably thought they were going to get away with it there and they almost did I mean basically so far they have really

Henry Zabrowski: oh yeah they have not there's been no they the Mexican authorities are still trying to extradite one of the suspects but there's not according to US court there's not enough evidence and if you know anything more about the story it's fascinating and horrific side stores LPOTL at gmail.com There's so many ways to die on vacation.

Ed Larson: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So that's what we'll do. Quiet and wave at C 2.0. We'll find out. Yeah. The people are people die. But it's kind of but I know that they're not the same. But the idea of like a group of friends turning on one of the group of friends in a weird. Because they're adults. It seems planned.

Henry Zabrowski: It does.

Ed Larson: It seems planned.

Henry Zabrowski: It does.

Ed Larson: For it to escalate like that so fast. And it's really. Group beating. But she did in the in that story. Especially when it's a woman. In the Robinson story. Because you don't need to defend yourself like that.

Henry Zabrowski: No.

Ed Larson: But in the Robinson story, they are way more like casual acquaintances. Or like, this is something else. This story about tying up the girl to the post with the BB guns. She lived. Thankfully, in this story, she lived. But it's still just like.

Henry Zabrowski: But for months? Months. That's wild. I mean, to me, then you're also like. Because she's above 18. So once you're above 18, you can go missing for a long time.

Ed Larson: Okay. I'll remember that when I turn 18.

Henry Zabrowski: God, you're an ugly 15-year-old. My God. Well, check this out. Vegas, we cover a lot of piles of stuff. We really do. We're a big pile. There's a bunch of lobsters in the woods we're going to talk about. People tell us and they say there's nothing. You're going to want to say this. There's soup in the road. We're going to talk about it. But here they found 300 plus piles of human remains in the desert outside of Las Vegas. They think a funeral home might have ditched a bunch of just ashes. You know, I guess these are just ashes that no one picked up or maybe there's just stuff they gave in a different way. We don't know what funeral home they came from. There's very little information about it. But they found more than 100 piles of cremated remains. This is back in August, and they say it belongs to over 300 people. And there's no way to really tell what's going on here, unfortunately.

Ed Larson: But I've heard in the past, I've heard things like, I know this is going to sound stupid because I'm talking about a veterinarian, but I know a lot of times people just don't pick up the ashes.

Henry Zabrowski: I don't think it sounds that stupid.

Ed Larson: I think that it's the same. I think that, unfortunately, there are people that, I might be wrong about this, side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com. But I'm pretty certain that they sort of default cremate certain people, too, right?

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, people who got no one looking for them.

Ed Larson: Yes. John Doe's, stuff like that.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes.

Ed Larson: Yeah, I imagine that's what they do. I don't know for sure. But you're saying that the vets, like...

Henry Zabrowski: The vets, like, they're just sitting on all these ashes. They don't know what to do. No one's coming to pick them up. You can't just throw them in the trash. So they just end up, like, getting, like, storage closets full of pet ashes.

Ed Larson: Well, that's just only because you know vets that are actually very nice and they do care and they won't just throw them in the trash. I think a lot of times they do end up just throwing them in the trash. I'm sure they do. I'm sure they do. So these guys went and dumped fucking all of these pounds of cremains out in Vegas. And you can check out two more piles of cremains at the Vegas Wise Guys. December. We have a what day is our show? December 7th.

Henry Zabrowski: December 7th.

Ed Larson: We're going to be at Wise Guys. Glass Podcast on the left.com. Yeah, yeah. Side stories. Henry and I are doing side stories December 7th in Vegas. Come check us out. It's going to be a lot of fun, though. It's our first Vegas show together.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, and I cannot wait. We are going to be bringing buckets of crew mains. And I can't wait to go up against the likes.

Ed Larson: Wow, what dignitaries are there?

Henry Zabrowski: Little Mo Mozzarella is going to be performing there.

Ed Larson: Wow, Eddie.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, Joe DeVito from Gutfeld is going to be there.

Ed Larson: Oh, yeah. Oh, wow, Eddie. What lustrous company. We're with all the greats.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, I can't wait to see the lights of Las Vegas.

Ed Larson: Yes. So come and check us out. They really put us in the good places. Seriously, I will. If you bring one of those FedEx envelopes filled with cremains, and we can sign it over to Little Mo Mozzarella, I'll put you on the list. Melissa's there the night before you guys.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, Melissa Villasenor.

Ed Larson: Laura seems very sweet. She seems like a sweet lady.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, yeah. She's a wonderfully human being. She's not fucking for competition, though. There is no law in Nevada barring a person from scattering ashes on public land. State law requires that the funeral operators to preserve the dignity of any remains that remain in So basically But I think you saying scattering ashes is different than dumping piles of ashes It weird If they would have scattered it, I bet they wouldn't even got caught. But the fact that they're all in weird little piles just proves that they were dumping out urns in the middle of the desert and thought they were never going to get caught because the ashes look like sand.

Ed Larson: Do you think they did this? Do you think salaried workers do this or do you think this is a task rabbit?

Henry Zabrowski: I'm just saying, if you're going to do this, if you are a funeral home or a crematory that's getting... Bring a rake. Bring it, yeah. Bring a rake. A rake solves this whole thing. No one ever gets caught. Just smith shit around. Why is this a problem? Well, it's because, honestly... You got to properly dispose of remains just out of, like, respect for bodies. And now they are taking... Not even... They're bringing all these together to preserve the dignity, they say.

Ed Larson: I don't give a fuck about the dignity. It's human waste. It's body waste. deep in the desert, far away from people. You don't got to, I understand. I understand, but I do feel like it's still bad to be around. I guess what it is is the guy's going to do it, and they're all just, because you know how it is, being like, all right, let's go. You know, they got to go out and go dump a bunch of urns, and then they come back, and then they, what are they just, the rest of their day spent pointing people out to ice and stealing ice cream from children, and like, I'm trying to think, like, what else those guys do.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, well, now they're all going, they're taking the remains of the 315 people, and they're just putting them into one crypt. How is that better?

Ed Larson: I don't know if it's, I don't think it's better. At least here, they're out in the world, they breathe, at least a coyote come by, maybe, you know, you spread it around a little bit. If this is Vegas, you know what should have happened here?

Henry Zabrowski: What?

Ed Larson: What I really, if they really want to, is the Venetians should have taken upon themselves, rope off that little pile of fucking remains, and guess what they get? front row ticket show comes to them.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: Reba. Wayne Newton. Oh! Frankie Valli.

Henry Zabrowski: Frankie Valli's not even singing anymore. You just gotta put it on the Bluetooth. He practically remains himself. You just put it on the Bluetooth to give him a taste of his show. Give him a taste of Vegas. They're dumped out here in the desert. You got Frankie Valli going I don't think they really even know what happened here though.

Ed Larson: No, they don't.

Henry Zabrowski: No, they just dumps in the woods. The desert. Oh, my, the night. The, um... Are you in on that like I am?

Ed Larson: What?

Henry Zabrowski: Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons? The Frankie Valli... I love Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I'm talking about this... My mom went on a date with one of them.

Ed Larson: Which one, winter? Spring.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh.

Ed Larson: Fuck you. Fuck you. We've been together too long. We've been together too long. No, you've not been watching the Frankie Valli, this thing now where he acts like an animatronic?

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, well, it's all he can do.

Ed Larson: It is so frightening. He was old 30 years ago when he was on Sopranos. It's so disconcerting what they're doing to this man.

Henry Zabrowski: I mean, he's doing it.

Ed Larson: No, he's not. He's making no decisions.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, you're right. It's the dead stare into nothingness. He somehow still knows he's on stage. But it's a high-pitched voice. You can't really... It's pumped in.

Ed Larson: Oh, is that what's happening?

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: No, he's just lip syncing. He just stands on stage and he moves his mouth.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, he gets piped in. He can't sing that anymore.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: Whoa, look at that dance move. Woo! Oh, wow. Who's that? Whoa, wait a second. Whoa. He should get on Dancing with the Stars. Him and Biden.

Henry Zabrowski: You know who should have... I hate to keep calling him out on our show, but this would be great for Baggins' place out in Vegas. Frankie Valli?

Ed Larson: No! All the remains.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, he does look like a little possessed puppet.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: I'll kill you. I'll kill your husband for you. I'll kill your husband. beautiful woman. Get him awake. Get him out of here. Yeah. Honestly, those remains just sitting in the lobby would be kind of fun.

Ed Larson: Yeah, why not? Seriously, why is it a showgirl? This is such a... Vegas is lost. This is why Vegas is falling apart. Vegas is almost done. They're losing their edge. We're trying to bring them back. If this is real, a real entertainer would have scooped all those remains and dumped them in the tits of a fucking Arnold Cole Smith lookalike in a goddamn second 10 years ago.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: This should be...

Henry Zabrowski: Well, she died for a lot of them. I just mean, you know what I'm saying, a lookalike. It was a casino. I'm just saying, Eddie, that like a real Vegas guy would know that this is an opportunity.

Ed Larson: Absolutely. Because think about this. Not only we entertain you while you're alive, sure. Now we're going to entertain you when you're fucking dead.

Henry Zabrowski: No. Like, that's amazing. Put some googly eyes. Pour it on a bucket. Put some googly eyes on it and show it Hayley Bieber's pussy.

Ed Larson: Do you think she's like, well, my pussy needs entertainment?

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, I mean, it was just about... Hey, give her money. Right? You know, it must have just happened. It must have... Yes. Because it's windy out in that desert. So it would have blown away. So this must be like... They must have caught it by a day or two. They must have. When they got dumped. It was fresh. Which is crazy. It's very... Honestly, it's very... But what we have covered a lot over the years of Side Stories is just how much corruption is within the funeral industry, how much it's just the same as any other horrific industry. That just because they're dealing with the beloved memories of your family members and shit doesn't mean they're not run by, like, Tony from down the street. He could have a Shoney's.

Ed Larson: I bet Vegas is a town where unidentified people die on a regular basis. That's where I'd want to be if I didn't want to be found.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: I just think, you know, people show up, they're hammered, they lose their wallet, next thing you know, they're dead and they can't figure out who they are and no one ever finds out.

Henry Zabrowski: You know, again, only if you're lucky.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: So, but yeah, there's a whole bunch of people. Life from your grave. So, here we go. This is a low-level, this is low-level domestic terrorism I'm about to talk about, which is also kind of funny in a way, where it's like we've covered on the show many people in this stead, right? Remember the Panther Man?

Ed Larson: Yes.

Henry Zabrowski: It was the Panther Man, and then there was the Gimp of Somerset, and then there was the Silent Man.

Ed Larson: The Silent Man's our favorite. We love the Silent Man.

Henry Zabrowski: This guy is a new one. It's the Peter Butter Man. But now it seems that it's a little bit of a misnomer. Purdue University's Peanut Butter Man remained a sticky mystery, much like Bigfoot in the northwestern United States, until Thursday afternoon. They caught this poor, poor, brave, young lad. He covered himself in peanut butter. Sunflower butter.

Ed Larson: But no, no, that's a twist, Eddie. Sorry. God damn it. God, fuck, fuck. Bleep it, bleep it, bleep it.

Henry Zabrowski: So this is what happened. He came in, right? He saw a man covered in what he thought was peanut butter.

Ed Larson: Okay.

Henry Zabrowski: What was it? And it caused a panic. We don't know yet. Not yet. He thought it was peanut butter. And it caused everybody to panic. He was walking through Purdue University. his buddy was filming him. It looked like he had his penis out, right?

Ed Larson: No, no. He had shorts on. He had shorts on.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes. But they had, I guess, shut down the university because of the peanut issue. Because they were worried about people being allergic to peanuts. But then it turns out, of course, they went searching for him. You know that he could have gotten something like an attack with a deadly weapon or something like they were talking about this. They were trying to throw all of these things out, saying that he was committing domestic terrorism. Was he doing it to scare people with allergies?

Ed Larson: No, he's being silly and stupid.

Henry Zabrowski: Or he just likes covering himself with peanut butter. Halloween? Maybe Halloween? He's just a college kid.

Ed Larson: Yeah. It's the funnest thing that kids can do. It's just fun to do. It's better than shooting up a mall.

Henry Zabrowski: Right? I think it's fine. It's definitely better than shooting up a mall. But then it turns out the twist was, in fact, sunflower seed butter, which meant it was not allergy. It didn't have any problems with allergies. So what's the story here? He said the man did not commit a crime. The police are not investigating him and the university will deal with the sunflower butter man on their own.

Ed Larson: Yeah. They have decided. They're not releasing his name.

Henry Zabrowski: No, I mean, he didn't commit a crime.

Ed Larson: Well, according to the university, he seemed to commit some form of infraction. Social crime, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: Which I don't know what the social crime is. This is what college is for.

Ed Larson: You know what it is, though? I think if he sat down on a chair, you know, or if he like...

Henry Zabrowski: Well, yeah, some ancient chair that belonged to Benjamin Franklin.

Ed Larson: No, even a normal chair. Someone's got to clean that up.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, that's $15. That's what I'm saying. Give him $15. $20.

Ed Larson: $20. The number you said $50, then you said $15, $19, $20. I said $15. $15, and then you up to the $20. Yeah, I mean that's if he does it in under an hour. You're just cleaning the fucking seat. So you're okay with this?

Henry Zabrowski: He's not covered in liquid shit. I gotta say, though, I love sun butter.

Ed Larson: I know. It seems like an expensive thing to do.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, no, he's exercising his privilege.

Ed Larson: Yeah, no. That's what he shows.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, no, definitely. Oh, believe me, I clocked that, mister. Believe me. You think it's a frat thing?

Ed Larson: I think that it was... I think that he didn't even say it was a frat thing. I think it was just a dumb boy thing.

Henry Zabrowski: Okay.

Ed Larson: He was having fun.

Henry Zabrowski: I think this is extremely allowed. More than allowed. I think it's encouraged.

Ed Larson: I think it is allowed. I think I'm going to have to say this is also allowed. This is fun.

Henry Zabrowski: I don't like waste of food. That's the biggest crime here.

Ed Larson: Yeah, I think that's it. And the fact that no one's buying sunflower butter anyway. It's because I don't like it as much.

Henry Zabrowski: Man, best ice cream I ever had was sunflower butter and jelly.

Ed Larson: You've changed, man.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh my god, that was a fucking that was unbelievable.

Ed Larson: Where? Lambertville.

Henry Zabrowski: Where's Lambertville?

Ed Larson: New Jersey. Why? Because my cousin lives there. And I was there and she was like, oh, we got this cute little ice cream shop.

Henry Zabrowski: But was it like vegan? Was it good?

Ed Larson: No, it wasn't vegan. It was real ice cream. And it was the best one. I tried all of them because they have very fancy.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, you're getting hungry. Actually, I've been saying. I can see you licking your lips. Now you want the sunflower butter and jelly.

Ed Larson: It was the best ice cream I've ever had.

Henry Zabrowski: Wow. So yeah, sunflower, butter, and jelly. If you know of a place where I can get that ice cream, you let me know. Side stories, L-P-O-T-O at gmail.com. This is the real bullshit right here. I need to find out. I want some more. That's all this story reminds me of. That's all it did. That's really good. ice cream in Lambertville.

Ed Larson: All right, real quick news. The UK woman yawned so hard she broke her neck.

Henry Zabrowski: It's because that's how boring it is to live there.

Ed Larson: Hey, come on. And then we've got, what's another good one? Splash is Florida's Sheriff's Department's first search and rescue otter.

Henry Zabrowski: That's how much you know that they don't care if you live or die if they send an otter instead of a person. Send in the otter.

Ed Larson: Send me a person.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, send people.

Ed Larson: Yeah. I don't want the otter. What's it going to do? Show up and start. It says it worked something like two out of five times.

Henry Zabrowski: That's not that bad.

Ed Larson: It's not enough. He solves underwater mysteries. Five out of five times. Then send the otter. If it's two out of five times, don't send the otter. He's just going to end up chewing on me.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, you send a person or you send one of the otters. Send a robot versus an otter. Why are we training otters? What's the point of all the robots?

Ed Larson: Yeah. Well, the robots can't swim like that. Submarines! I guess you can get that little diver guy that they sell who kicks in front of the KB's toys. How much more money do our... Each fucking state police department, it's like a fucking their own private army. They're training otters with kelp and mackerel and not making robots.

Henry Zabrowski: I wish they would train a manatee to do it. Then you could really ride the back of a manatee. Oh, man. When I was... I went and swam at some pigs.

Ed Larson: Oh, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: It was a blast. And I rode one of the pigs back to the shore, and it was fucking fun. Train the pigs. Train the pigs to go look for people.

Ed Larson: Honestly, I would rather a pig.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: I'd rather a pig than an otter.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, yeah. I trust the pig. It's weird. It's like sending, like, it's such an undependable animal. It's like the idea of, like, oh, we've trained the foxes to find people. Like, no, don't train foxes to find people.

Ed Larson: I mean, there's one guy who loves otters. He works with the police, and he's like, listen, he's finally got his day in the sun. he got one special otter who solved two out of five cases. Maybe done stuff.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, I mean, two out of five, you know, for an otter is pretty good numbers. It shouldn't be a police officer.

Ed Larson: No. It's not a cop.

Henry Zabrowski: No. It's not a cop. Because you know why? It doesn't have, it's not a bastard.

Ed Larson: Yeah. You know what I mean? Certain breeds of dogs, you can make them become what they need to be to be police officer. An otter is too naturally mischievous to be a police officer.

Henry Zabrowski: I'd rather it be a beaver.

Ed Larson: I would rather it be, again, keep the animals out of it.

Henry Zabrowski: No, dolphins are great at this job.

Ed Larson: No, let them just not have jobs. I truly, we don't need to hire the otters. We need to hire, I'd rather you hire a kid. Look at that. There's an otter slam dunking a basketball. That's not saving me out of 9-11-2. It's just dunking a basketball. That doesn't do anything. Seriously, I'd rather you use kids.

Henry Zabrowski: That's otterly amazing.

Ed Larson: And it wasn't that otterly amazing technically. It was kind of utterly boring to watch him mess it up.

Henry Zabrowski: All right, so we have to figure that out. So that's what I'm saying. Is that wrong? Is he a regular Amare stoddum otter? Huh? How about that one? I don't know. How about that one? I honestly don't know. We didn't even get to Antonio Brown. We didn't talk about that. We didn't talk about Mark Sanchez. A lot of football violence going on there. It's going to happen.

Ed Larson: Yeah, there's a lot going on. It's very popular. Do you not feel like, though, instead of having an otter, train a child. Pay the parents. Train a child.

Henry Zabrowski: Well, you can't. You can work an auditor to death more than you can work a child to death.

Ed Larson: Yeah, I guess.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, children, you know, I mean, look what happened to the Stranger Things kids. They're all damaged.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: They shouldn't have been working so hard all those years.

Ed Larson: Yeah, they grew up and they got weird looking.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, you can't. I mean, like, oh, God. Talk about someone to save them from David Harbour.

Ed Larson: Oh, my God. David Harbour. David Harbour. David Harbour.

Henry Zabrowski: No, David Harbour's not dumb. He doesn't do bad with the kids. He's just an irresponsible husband.

Ed Larson: Well, no, he's an asshole to Millie Bobby Brown.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, everybody's an asshole. You're right.

Ed Larson: I heard Millie Bobby Brown. God knows what goes on down there, man. I think she's all right.

Henry Zabrowski: I heard some stories, man.

Ed Larson: I bet you have, man. She killed somebody.

Henry Zabrowski: She killed people? Yeah, Millie Bobby Brown. She's Bobby Brown, man.

Ed Larson: Yeah, it is. No one coached her on that name?

Henry Zabrowski: Yep. No one told her, hey, there's this guy? Yeah, she actually weirdly, right before she died, Millie Bobby Brown went and found Whitney Houston's daughter and beat the showdown.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to the sake of it. I mean, actually, Whitney Houston's otter died the same way Whitney Houston did.

Henry Zabrowski: I know. A long time ago. I know it. You probably know? It's extremely sad.

Ed Larson: Know what they could have used? An otter.

Henry Zabrowski: See, then makes sense. It's a shallow bathtub. An otter really could have saved both of them. Very much so.

Ed Larson: Yes. Out of a bathtub, out of a hotel bathtub, an otter can save you. So we need to give the otters to the hotels.

Henry Zabrowski: actually first time I'm agreeing with you today release them to the hotels let them slop around you can keep them in a wet trench in the kitchen how long can you really relax in a bathtub if there's an otter in there I gotta get out of here keep that new otter bathroom timer man this guy I'm obsessed with this I know it's going to come out tomorrow but this influencer passed away in a horrible accident or a horrible incident. And I hate to be so morbid that I really need to know what happened. Guys, this is our, this is a true. This is what I deal with. Microcosm of what we deal with here is that we, we are not hoping that this. He's already dead. His name is, what was his name? His name is Michael Durate. And he went by. He went by food with bare hands. That was his, that was his name. But every picture I see of him with food, he's got gloves on.

Ed Larson: Yeah. Which is a misnomer and I already don't trust him. but apparently he was a lovely man. There's a GoFundMe out there. He seems very cool. But this is the problem is that Eddie got, right before the show, he got so verklempt because legitimately he was like, I know that this is going to have a really grisly end and I'm hoping that it'll be good for the show. And I said, Eddie, I think it might just be really sad.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, it's definitely really sad. There's no question about it being really sad or not. His death might be very sad. I know his death is sad, no matter what happened. but I know it's like as soon as we're done recording there's going to be like oh you got fucked to death by bears yeah if you got eaten by a llama then it's not as sad anymore unfortunately yeah you got in a shootout with a bunch of aliens yeah like that again it's not that your death is no longer sad it's just then also your death is entertaining the reason I got so obsessed with it is because I've read like 10 articles about it and then some of them called it an accident and some of them called it an incident and that's the part of it that kind of flipped me out and made me think it might be something crazy

Ed Larson: Maybe it's because people don't understand how to use the sources.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ed Larson: But, you know, if it was a car accident, it's an accident.

Henry Zabrowski: I agree.

Ed Larson: There's no car incident.

Henry Zabrowski: No, a car incident is like I took my car and I drove it through the mall.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a car incident.

Henry Zabrowski: That's a car incident.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah. Like the car is dangling off a bridge.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah.

Ed Larson: Yeah, I would say that.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah. No, it is very specious. We don't know yet. There is a GoFundMe up there to support his family. Help him out In this And you can check that out What is it His name is Food with bare hands Food with bare hands Yeah Go check that out But yeah we don't know And I'm really hoping that This is one of those Funny things where You Also what happens Inside stories a lot Where we will like Sing the praises of Somebody we don't know

Ed Larson: Yeah

Henry Zabrowski: You know And be like Oh this wonderful man I can't believe he died In this accident You know And we're gonna say Like Cause I try to make sure I shoot right down the middle I don't consider anybody good or bad unless i know him yes right so this guy even then we're wrong sometimes always and i don know this guy right i don know this guy so there a that i i just hoping that by tomorrow it doesn come out and it turns out he both I hoping he not a predator Doesn seem like it But I also hope he not the most heroic man in the world so that our

Ed Larson: I think he's a predator in like the classic sense of the word. Like eating animals.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's like, yeah, he's like, he goes and he's like, he eats barracudas and stuff like that. So this is our boilerplate statement to say if he was a really awesome guy, great. We love him. I hope he's good. He has kind eyes. No matter what his crimes are, his eyes are kind.

Ed Larson: So did Ed Kemper.

Henry Zabrowski: And also, if he did really, really bad things, we disavow him.

Ed Larson: Yeah, he's got an evil mouth.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes, if there's another. So I just want to cover that entirely. So whatever happens tomorrow in the news, if he's good, we like him. If he's bad, we hate him. But rest in peace. Rest in peace either way.

Ed Larson: No one else I learned, though. I would just rest. I was trying to find what happened. and I'm digging on all of them, man. I gotta say, the comments on TMZ are brutal.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, they really don't really care.

Ed Larson: They really are brutal. They're like, oh, they have a GoFundMe and they're not telling us the cause of death? Oh, that was... That is stuff like that. They often don't, guys.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They often don't. It's not like you get to pay to GoFundMe. You're like, all right, I'll give you GoFundMe. Let me see the autopsy pictures. But meanwhile, like, you know, I'm obsessed with it too, so am I just as bad?

Henry Zabrowski: No, because you're not begging for his autopsy pictures. No, I don't want to see the pictures. I just want to know what happened.

Ed Larson: I just want to get a whack at his corpse once.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah. Again, if he's a good guy, we're sorry and we love him. And if he's bad, we hate him. And I hope that he burns in hell. So let us go to, I think we got some listener stories. That was really good. That was a cool one.

Ed Larson: That was really good. All right. I got a couple of long ones. I'm just going to jump in. Golden State Killer penis length the size of a pinky tip, the DA says in the new book.

Henry Zabrowski: This story is called Haunted Frat House. It's a new TMZ story. I mean, it seems like it's our wheelhouse. I don't know. Golden State Killer was brought in by justice partly because of his micropenis.

Ed Larson: Yeah, the new book says about it. It says smaller than the tip of his pinky finger.

Henry Zabrowski: Thank God. All the news that's fit to print. Here we go. That wasn't in the doc.

Ed Larson: No. For some reason.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, it wasn't in that whole thing about Patton Oswalt's wife. Yeah, it was a five-part series. Not one mention of the tiny pinky penis.

Ed Larson: Our favorite part? Yeah. All right, what are people writing you? Here we go. Haunted frat house. "I belong to a co-ed sorority frat that I'll just call a frat. It was isolated in the middle of nowhere in a very economically depressed area, so it wasn't the kind of fancy frat sorority you think of."

Henry Zabrowski: Missouri.

Ed Larson: Yes. "It was like a really bottom-of-the-barrel, disgusting shit pile of a frat, which is hilarious."

Henry Zabrowski: Arkansas.

Ed Larson: "The house was built in the 1870s and started being a frat house around the 1980s. I think that it had accumulated all the energy from the brutal hazing and all the SA that happened over the years. The ghost activity would always kick up when hazing season was happening. All my stories take place between 2012 and 2015. Like Eddie mentioned, we had the most common trope of things disappearing and reappearing in strange places. Footsteps and doors opening when there was no one in there. Once one of the girls blew out her vape and it briefly formed the outline of a person in front of us before dissipating."

Henry Zabrowski: That's cool.

Ed Larson: "Once I was alone in my bedroom watching a movie on my laptop and I felt something tug hard on my earring. I yelled 'nope' out loud and ripped them out and never wore earrings there again."

Henry Zabrowski: Just do the studs. I mean, who knows? Things can really pop out.

Ed Larson: "Another time, I had my debit card in the coat of my pocket and hung it up on the back of my door in my locked room at the end of the night. In the morning, I went to get my coat, and the entire coat was gone from the hook. I searched the entire house, top to bottom, and the coat was just gone. After two days of not being able to buy food, I finally went downtown and got another card. When I came back from that trip and unlocked my bedroom door, the coat with the now defunct debit card was hanging on the back of the door where I'd first left them."

Henry Zabrowski: Sounds like a prank. I mean, who knows?

Ed Larson: "But this one, the biggest and freakiest of all the encounters, was when I saw a full apparition. It was just briefly, but I know what I saw. We had some girls pledging sleeping on the floor of the living room. We were about to wake them up to do a fucked up hazing thing. I'm working on this in my therapy, but at this point they were all still asleep. The rest of the sorority was in the room behind me quietly milling around getting things ready, trying not to wake the girls up. It was about 2 a.m. While I was standing in the doorway watching the girls, I noticed a figure out of the corner of my eye. In the room where the girls were sleeping there was a staircase leading upstairs. Lights were on upstairs but off downstairs, creating this weird backlit effect. Vividly, I saw a small creature about the size of a child crouch down on one of the stairs and staring out at myself and the girls sleeping on the floor from between the vertical wood bars of the staircase."

Henry Zabrowski: Could have been a hairless dog.

Ed Larson: Definitely. "I didn't realize what I was seeing and it was initially really confused. I was confused because I knew all the people in the house who were either right behind me or sleeping in front of me. I looked behind me really quickly to check and when I looked back, the figure was gone."

Henry Zabrowski: Alright. So this one I do have, so let's pick one of two because I think we're running out of time.

Ed Larson: Yeah, we're getting there. I think I can do the two, right?

Henry Zabrowski: Do whatever you want. It's your show.

Ed Larson: It's our show.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, you're right. So do one. Aliens coming out of the ocean.

Ed Larson: "My best friend and her boyfriend were visiting Hilton Head Island in South Carolina. On the first night there, they were on the beach and saw what they described as a shooting star but brighter. Go down from the sky into the ocean off the coast nearby. They didn't really think much of it, but in the context of what happened the next night, they ended up thinking this shooting star was possibly not actually a shooting star."

Henry Zabrowski: Cloverfield. I hope.

Ed Larson: "On the second night, they went to spend a bit of time on the beach directly behind their hotel, looking at the stars on a big blanket. They went to fuck. The only light was the moonlight and the starlight as they were far enough from the hotel to avoid light pollution, so you could see shadowy outlines of everything, but no detail. They were laying there for a while. Eventually things settled down with partygoers from the hotel behind them going to bed and it got a little bit more quiet and solitary on the beach. After a little while they were very surprised to see a shadowy visage of a single figure exiting the ocean in a straight direct line slowly and steadily in front of them down the beach. They remarked to each other that it was weird and dangerous to be swimming alone in the ocean at night."

Henry Zabrowski: Up in Jersey, we don't fuck with the riptides, especially down the shore.

Ed Larson: Not just that, that's when sharks feed.

Henry Zabrowski: Especially not at night, exactly.

Ed Larson: "The figure stood there for a minute and then started to act strangely, moving jerkily around the beach, running fast to one side and walking really slow the other way."

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, I thought jerkily was like... Basically moving around erratically.

Ed Larson: "My friend's boyfriend told her to just stay down, quiet and still, so the person wouldn't come over and bother them."

Henry Zabrowski: Again, in Jersey, we're used to tweakers, right?

Ed Larson: "Then the figures started to make odd sounds. He would alternate between shrieking a high-pitched, unintelligible language. They said that it sounded vaguely Asian, but they couldn't identify or recognize it as any known Asian language they knew of. And it had a very low, deep, tenor male voice speaking in English. They started to get weirded out, a little scared with this guy going back and forth erratically and changing his voice back and forth so dangerously close to them, hiding in the dark."

Henry Zabrowski: Was he dubbed? I don't know. Yeah, it's weird.

Ed Larson: "Her boyfriend even went so far as to whisper to her to hold one of the stakes that was holding their blankets in the sand, in her hand, because the strange man was making him so uncomfortable."

Henry Zabrowski: It's a waste of steak. I know. Oh, you fucking idiot.

Ed Larson: "At this point, they were thinking he was definitely deranged or on drugs. Then the man abruptly stopped and went to stand at the shoreline by the water. Much to the horror of my friend and her boyfriend, other figures started to file two by two out of the water to meet the man."

Henry Zabrowski: Pilgrims. Who knows? It's late. Better late than never.

Ed Larson: It's Cheech Marin. That's why I said it like that. It's from Ghostbusters. "Two figures would walk out of the water, meet the man silently where he was standing at the water's edge, and walk off in opposite directions down the shoreline without saying a word. One left, one right. Two more would walk out and do the same thing. Filing out of the dark ocean in the middle of the night in an orderly fashion. All in all, about eight figures in groups of two filed out from the ocean to meet the man and walked on the beach without a word. At one point, two teenagers with phones came walking down the waterline. My friend and her boyfriend could see the lights of their phone screens glowing on their faces. They walked right past the quote-unquote man and literally didn't even seem to see him standing there. This freaked my friend out because he was acting noticeably strange and they walked within inches of him. At this point, with a little distraction, my friend and her boyfriend retreated backward toward the hotel a bit and they decided to watch him from a safer distance back on the sand. They watched him stand there for another hour and a half in the dark. And then suddenly he was gone."

Henry Zabrowski: You know, I'm sure this happened in a way, but I just, I hate to be this guy, but when you tell someone else's story, I lose all interest. That's the problem. It's somebody else's story. I want to find the people and send them to us. If this is indeed real, I want to talk to them because that is a very interesting story. And I wonder whether or not it is. I mean, it just sounds really strange.

Ed Larson: Yeah. Very strange. Seems like a good story to tell your friend and lie to him.

Henry Zabrowski: I mean, I love lying to my friends.

Ed Larson: Yeah, I know.

Henry Zabrowski: This is some physical email. I truly love lying to my friends. I live every day to lie to my friends, and I laugh every day I lie to my friends. What is this weird big box you're handing us, Rob? Rob is giving us mail.

Ed Larson: Oh, mail? Okay.

Henry Zabrowski: Read the note first.

Ed Larson: Read the note, Henry.

Henry Zabrowski: It must be good if he's making us do it. All right, here we go. "After hearing mention of Henry straining his back trying to suck his own dick, and then hearing Ed suggest he put a stroker in his mouth to help provide an extension, a light bulb went off in my head. Being a sales rep for Zero Tolerance, I wanted to provide a few options for Henry to be able to try Ed's suggestion. I send a few including my number one favorite item we manufacture as a bonus."

Ed Larson: Zero Tolerance sounds frightening.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh my god. Oh my. No, take the foot one! Take the foot one! Oh god, Eddie, what is it? Zero Tolerance? Is it a knife? There's a knife company called Zero Tolerance.

Ed Larson: No, it's a foot you can fuck.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, it's a foot! It's a foot-based fleshlight. Oh, you can fuck the bottom of the foot. You can fuck it through the hole of it.

Ed Larson: Oh, that's cool. You can fuck it.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, it is, Eddie. That's for you pussyfooting around. There you go. That's for you. Oh, this is amazing. I want this one. This is shaped like Danny Daniels. This is her vagina and anal stroker. I guess they call them strokers instead of flashlights.

Ed Larson: Oh, because they don't want to get sued.

Henry Zabrowski: Because that's the thing. You kept saying fleshlight and that's why she kept saying stroker. Like I would know what the hell that meant.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah. Stroker.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is Lisa Ann's vagina and her anal.

Ed Larson: Oh, okay. Her holes.

Henry Zabrowski: I guess this is, will they feel different? I'll never know. How far does it go? Do they put the mold in? Does it go up to their, like, how deep does it go in? I just don't understand the foot thing because, like, it's like, does this person want to bang a foot? I just don't know.

Ed Larson: Yes. Yes.

Henry Zabrowski: I guess my also. Oh, and this is a big mouth. That's just a mouth. Wow, they really sent us a bunch of fuck toys. What I will say, though, is thank you so much, Colette. Rob, which one do you want? Yeah, God, you should. I already confiscated one.

Ed Larson: Yeah, here he is. Here he is.

Henry Zabrowski: Listen, I saw. What's her name? Sasha Gray. This is my question, you're right. So the depth is, you know, it's pretty good. I just don't understand. Who's fucking the bottom of a foot like it's a sore? This is disgusting to me.

Ed Larson: No, that's normal. That's what people like. What do you mean? It's like the palm of a foot.

Henry Zabrowski: Yes. She said that's the most popular thing. This is the most popular one? I guess because it's not an option. I will say none of this helps me bring my penis closer to my mouth or extend my mouth. Unfortunately, it doesn't know which it is. It also just looks like a sad person. Like a person who can't put their tongue in their mouth.

Ed Larson: Well, yeah, that's what it's for. Can you open that one? I'm curious about that one.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, this is the mouth one?

Ed Larson: The mouth one. I'm very curious. Because like, is the tongue always out? Or does it like come out?

Henry Zabrowski: No, tongue's always out.

Ed Larson: Tongue's always out?

Henry Zabrowski: Well, no one likes that. I mean, you say this, Eddie. I just don't know if you use them. It just looks like a sick person.

Ed Larson: Yeah, of course it does.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, it has grippers. Wow. Yeah, it looks like, yeah. You're just going to slam it all in. It's got a uvula. Make it talk. Make it say something.

[Henry makes the mouth toy talk]

Henry Zabrowski: Hello. It's a wonderful time.

Ed Larson: Yeah, oh, God.

Henry Zabrowski: It's a wonderful time with you. The thing we do this weekend on patreon.com. You want to give over to your Patreon? I think Rob's new dog needs a toy.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: Patreon, no, you'll destroy this. This is bad for him. We don't know. Go to LPOTL on the left for all of your social media needs. And go to lastpodcastonleft.com. Buy tickets for a live show.

Ed Larson: Yeah, that's right.

Henry Zabrowski: I feel like this is the new opener. Yeah, we got, guess what? If you're getting this message and you want to come to the Columbus show, there's 10 tickets left. All right? There's 10 tickets left at Columbus. That's on November 30th. Go get your tickets to that. Henry and I, of course, will be at Wise Guys on December 7th in Las Vegas. Check that out. And then we're hitting Alaska.

Ed Larson: Dude, just jerk off. Just jerk off. This is so expensive.

Henry Zabrowski: And I collect, thank you. Zero Tolerance. There are people that love this stuff. No, no, no, I'm glad you're making your money. Honestly, I'm glad. Whatever this does to help people, but just straight up, guys, if anybody sees this in your home, they will never touch you ever again.

Ed Larson: I think this is for people who have given up.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah, I know that. This isn't for someone who's trying to get someone home. They're like, "No, I got a mouth. I got a mouth at home. Don't worry." If you are at this point, I mean this, if you're at just the mouth, I actually have no problems with the vaginas and the buttholes. I think that makes a lot of sense. The foot, I don't like. This makes me sad.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: Because guess what this also can say? I love you. It can say whatever you make it say. You know what the only thing it's going to say is... Because you fucking ram jam its throat. I do like that you really can't tell if it's a man or a lady. I don't like the fact that it has no eyes. It's almost like... You're just fucking a disembodied hole. If Alien was a porno. I guess that's what this one makes me sad.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: By the way, I'm going to be in Oxnard on January 4th. That's a Sunday. Come check that out. They got Carolina Hidalgo, Julia Johns, and Holden and Jake are going to do a set. Do you have any stamps? Do you need me to do any stamps? Because, unfortunately, there is no natural weather. How much material do you have?

[Henry performs as the disembodied mouth toy]

Henry Zabrowski: Disembodied mouth. You got five minutes? I'm new. Yeah, I'm new. My stuff's pretty broad. My stuff's pretty broad. Anybody know what it's like? Everybody around here gets so fucked so hard in the back of your throat that you wonder if you're just some kind of silicone tube. I miss my eyes. I miss my eyes. I miss my eyes.

Ed Larson: February 18th, it's a Wednesday. I'll be in San Francisco. That's going to be a lot of fun at the Punchline. With Grant Gordon, he's going to be there.

Henry Zabrowski: Oh, you don't even believe how much I miss my eyes. Oh, it just turned Irish.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: No, yeah, no, it's not good. Thanks, Colette. Thanks, Colette, yeah. Thanks for the mouth with the tiny lips. I hope that you're getting it well, Colette.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: Well, thank you, guys. It's been a wonderful episode of Side Stories. Eddie?

Ed Larson: What?

Henry Zabrowski: Thank you so much for everything you brought to today.

Ed Larson: Thank you. I appreciate it. I didn't bring nothing.

Henry Zabrowski: What are we supposed to do with this? I guess we could sign these and give them away. Every time I see something like this, I'm like...

Ed Larson: Holden might like that one.

Henry Zabrowski: No, Holden gets nothing. Holden gets nothing. Holden gets nothing. If anyone gets this, it's Travis.

Ed Larson: Oh, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: No. What do you mean? No. You need something to fuck. No, no. No one with a wife. No wives. Honestly, we need somebody who has like a dead wife. You know what I mean? Like, that's what this is for. This is for somebody with a dead wife. If you're a widower, you want a foot to fuck, write in to sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. The widower with the saddest story. We'll get this foot to fuck. If you have the saddest story, we will send you this. I'll sign the foot. You could fuck the signed foot.

Ed Larson: Yes.

Henry Zabrowski: And just, yeah. I want to get the saddest story possible.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: From a widower.

Ed Larson: A widower.

Henry Zabrowski: Yeah. How did she go? All that stuff.

Ed Larson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: What'd she take? Yeah. And how you feel like you can't, you know, you're having trouble talking to women again because you're just sad. You think of her and you miss her feet.

Ed Larson: Yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: If you miss her feet. Give you Mr. Feet. We'll send you one of these and we'll send you some Funko Pops to get you going.

Ed Larson: Yeah. Pussyfooting around.

Henry Zabrowski: You know what? It says it's got a depth of nine inches. So you can take a big one.

Ed Larson: Thank God.

Henry Zabrowski: Because I'll need every inch.

Ed Larson: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Henry Zabrowski: You know what I mean? Oh, the insertable length is only five and a half. Oh, what am I going to do with all that? This is trash. What am I going to do with all the rest of my cock? All right, guys. See you in Vegas.

Ed Larson: See you in Vegas.