Side Stories: The Slenderman Escape

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Man, I was so good for months. Good about what? My food. Oh, that kind of good. I'd lost like seven pounds It's Thanksgiving, you're not supposed to be good I don't care about it Obviously, yeah, sure, whatever But it was like, you and I, Eddie We're so good You've lost so much weight, you look so healthy Not right now though, I put some back on We did, on purpose On purpose, but Eddie and I This weekend Let's just say We went out for a Thanksgiving bunch of shows Thanksgiving weekend Can't believe that we braved our own holiday travel like we did this to ourselves it took a car we were gonna go i drove across three states you love it full john candy experience and eddie and i were both like we're gonna be healthy we're gonna be so healthy we're gonna do and then holy shit it's just impossible to do in ohio ohio happened to us yeah now i i expected it's been a while since i've been ohio and i I think that I've only really been to Cincinnati and Cleveland. So I've never been to any other place. You never partied in Columbus before? No. No. It's a quiet town. Largely when we go, we've been in the middle of winter. It's like we're past. I remember Columbus being a place where I specifically watched hours of Chris Chan footage. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Inside of my hotel room and didn't leave. But this time, Eddie, we found so much. There was so much. We ate such big things. We went to Luigi's. Luigi's in Akron, Ohio, is one of the better Italian restaurants I've ever been to. In terms of Midwest Italian, because that's hard. That's a weird... Ohio's got good Italian food. Yes. The mob ran through there and they left some good food behind. Luigi's was one thing That was one thing Oh my god, well we had it twice Yes, because we had it both Because we had to try the pizza We didn't have the pizza to first, we just had the baked platters They gave us, they said it was like 3,000 pounds of cheese a week Something like that, 300 pounds of cheese a week She was bragging about killing us Yeah, and that was incredible I ordered the salad without cheese And the sadness on this woman's face She was just like I was just like, all right, I guess I'll get the cheese. And she's like, thank you. Yeah, because you know why? It's four lettuce leaves and a slice of tomato. Without the cheese, it's not anything. And she knew that, but she didn't want to say that. But God, I'll just say the salt of the earth. I then went to a place called Fred's Diner that was in the middle. It was this little shitty little house that was about 15 minutes from where Jeffrey Dahmer was born. And you could taste it. And I listened. Taste it like people? Oh, yeah. I went and I got a steak and eggs, right? And I listened to those old mean women behind the counter bitch at each other. They were tearing each other to pieces. One was turning to the others, being like, I can't believe that Rita forgot to order the goddamn Pepsi. And we were like, what kind of bitch sex? Stare for them like this. And then I was like, but by then, I fell in love with them. I watched them. I was there for like an hour. I fell in love with them. I invited them all to the show. What happened? They didn't come? They couldn't come. But the head waitress was like, yeah, but don't worry. It's a really nice venue. I saw Pantera there last year. And I was just like, that's what I fucking, holy shit. Where am I? Hard ass chicks, dude. Dude, this whole town, I just can't believe how much. You guys lied to us about Akron. Who lied? Everybody. I mean, Cincinnati was trying to talk shit on Akron. I was in Cincinnati for Thanksgiving. And they were all like, why are you going to Akron? Akron fucking sucks. All this shit. I get to Akron. Lovely fucking place. We actually really enjoyed Akron. And yes, it's mostly habited by ghosts. Yes. And it does need a bit of an alt scene. It needs a lot of things. Once it gets in there, though, the people are cool. And, you know, the shit there is awesome. The bomb shelter was a great place. That was an amazing place. It's not an actual bomb shelter. It's a store. Yeah, it's a store. I'm sorry we're doing it this way. But, guys, you just got to understand, when we do Side Stories Live, hi, my name is Henry Saprowski. I'm here with Ed Larson. Hello! we get to see parts of the world that i again why would i go to akron the only one the only reason why i'm gonna go to akron is if i'm in witness protection but now i like want to go back i i had a great time i met rosa over at akron coffee roasters which is truly beautiful had my first pour over what's happening to us and then we went to columbus and we got wario's which fucking filled my guts. Wario's fuck was amazing. Dude, there's places called Wario's. They have the craziest cheesesteaks. They got the craziest pork roll sandwiches. This is how fat we are. We ate Luigi's and Wario's. Yes, I know. That's how fat we are. We need to find Mario. That's how fucking fat we are. Sandwiches at Wario's, Rob, you would fucking... This place is like your enemy, dude. And Wario's, I love that it's named Wario's and it distinctly feeds you food that makes you destroy Plumber's Lodge. Dude, I just fucking, I had that fresh cold cut sandwich with the homemade giardina on it. And it had this like tomato butter. Man. Damn. Dude, I just can't believe we never, this never happens to us really. Normally I eat like shit. When we're on the road, I very rarely eat anything good. It's normally hotel, like Caesar salads. We'll get maybe one nice meal. I try to go do better food than you. You eat, you get room service too much. Well, you and I, you help me go out more. Yeah. I just like convenience because I don't like searching for breakfast. Yeah, you hate breakfast for some reason. No, I love breakfast. You don't like getting up or going anywhere. I don't like waiting for breakfast. The thing is, with you not going to breakfast, I can get anywhere because you can always get in as one. Well, that's the thing. As a solo traveler, you can get in a lot of places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I also work. Just go sit at the bar. They always got room for me. But we literally- I'm so big. I look like a big spender. Schmidt Sausage House? I don't even want to talk about it Dude that place was amazing I'm like emotional that it exists And that we went to it And it's like 1886 It's like a German restaurant It feels like you're in Germany And then we shopped at a cuckoo shop We shopped at a cuckoo clock store And this is what Eddie and I did We were so innocent We went to the Red Stable It's a cuckoo clock store Right in little Germany German village or whatever the fuck Hey, at least we smoked weed. Oh, God, I got so high. That was a part of it. So at least we were stoned looking at kookookookookooks. Ohio definitely needs to work on their weed, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, it does need to work on that. Shout out to Baxter Speakeasy for taking care of us in Akron as well. Seriously. But yeah, what a fucking great time, man. I mean, I can't believe it. We're going to be in Vegas this weekend. Y'all better come out to fucking Vegas because we're going to have a blast if we live. Yeah, Wise Guys on Sunday. That is December 7th at 6.30 p.m. Wise Guys Town Center. That's the one past the airport. Not the cool one. No, not the good one. Yeah, we're not doing that. So remember that. It's not the good wise guys, but the rest of Vegas is really nice. I don't know about that. That's not true at all. The rest of Vegas is not very nice. Sometimes it's got its moments. I like Somerville. I like Summerlin. I like Summerlin. I love Vegas. I'd move to Vegas. I know you would. You know I'd move to Vegas. You look like a Henderson boy. There's a lot of land in Henderson. You can get yourself a very nice place. A lot of room. That's what I like. Just show my dick to the sand. Spread it out, you animal. But yeah, thank you so much, Akron and Columbus, for treating us very well. And we're going to come back now. Yeah. That's how good you were. I'm actually... That's how good you were. I had no intention to ever come back. I had family I didn't know, like new family, Julie's family, come to the show in Columbus, and they didn't hate it. You believe that? I can't believe that they didn't hate the show. I thought for sure they were going to hate me. Oh, especially after what we did, because we were in Columbus, so we were in Epstein country. So those of you who saw that show knew that it was going to get probably pretty dark, and it did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God, it was great. All right, so we have a bit of an update. Oh, we do. This is the only update I got from last week. We had that really great run-up that we were talking about, about using cloning to make babies of the horrendous figures of history and then charging different ways to kill them. Yeah. And one of the ways that we came up with, we thought it would be really fun, is that you take infant baby Hitler and you drown it in a bathtub filled with Jewish cum. Oh, that's right. We did say that. I usually just forget everything that happens the moment I walk out the door. As you should. And honestly, that protects you. Yeah. So, with the cum math came out, someone sent me an email about cum math. Is that Hitler's baby picture? That's him. That's Hitler. You gotta kill him. What a cute little baby. You tell me he always had the hair. I'm like... I just wanted it at the end of a... It barely looks like Hitler. I want it at the end of a bayonet. so according to this cum bath math alright so talking about bathing in cum someone said this right here's some cum math you would need 48 alright let me see how 484 someone wrote this number out someone literally wrote this number out really really strange alright it is 484 million 532 708 men to fill a 320 gallon hot tub with cum presuming they'd all come once and at least at 2.5 milliliters. You do. We just need a bucket. Yeah, you could just, or you could have an inch of it and we could just hold its face down. Yeah, I need numbers for like a Tupperware bin. You know, like one of those, like something you put all your holiday decorations in. So again, we just find out it is 2.5 milliliter per shoot and then we just do the math accordingly. Yeah, no, that's how we know. And again, then that really just depends, but that's if you're not saving it ahead of time. Also, are these guys backed up or are they, you know, what's the deal? Because also, like... This is all the information I have. Because if you've been coming all week, you know, I imagine you're going to have a little less than you. Who knows? Is that how it works? Sometimes? Catch me. Yeah. Catch me right time. What's Peter North doing these days? I honestly think he's... I think he's worm food. Yeah, you think so? He's probably dead. He should be dead. I think Peter North might be dead. He came to death. I actually think he got shot in the head. No, he's out there, man. Oh, he's on Instagram. Oh, he's on Instagram. Oh, he's looking great. Wow, only 3,000 followers? I don't know if this is him. That's not the right Peter North. No, that is him. It says the one and only. Yeah, that's him. That's how you write him. I recognize it. He's probably horrible. Yeah, yeah, Eddie. I imagine he's horrible. Definitely. Well, he made a documentary. He was a retired actor, in quotes. Good for him. That'll be interesting. We'll see what's going on. We'll find out. Oh, he loves it. Adam Carolla's a good friend. Of course. Makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense. All right. Now, talk about someone who's filled with cum. Oh, you witches. Now, we have some truly wonderful stories this week. Did you not want to talk about Morgan Geyser? I guess there's not much of an update. No, I want to talk about it up top. Okay, good. Oh, yeah. So, as y'all know. Talk about, you know, coming a bunch. Oh, ew, she's a child. I'm sorry. No, she's not a child. No, she's not a child. It was more just her last name's Geyser. I understand. Believe me, I understand. So as you guys may have heard, Morgan Geyser last week, while we were away for Thanksgiving, we were, of course, it happened as soon as we were gone. Morgan Geyser is one of the Slenderman stabbers. Now, this was this took place in May of 2014. They were both 12 at the time. It was Morgan Geyser and her friend Anissa Weyer. They basically formulated a plan to murder a young friend of theirs, Peyton Leitner or Lutner, in order to please Slenderman. Now, Anissa Wire apparently was a person that brought the concept of Slenderman to Morgan Geyser. Morgan Geyser would go on to build on top of that delusion and would say, we can please Slenderman by killing Peyton. We'll stab her to death and then what we'll do is then we'll walk to these woods. We'll just walk into these woods and we'll be invited into Slenderman's mansions and become one of his proxies. One of his little helpers. And they were 12 at the time. They were 12. And we now know that they were wrong, Eddie. No way. Yeah, Slenderman shit the bed. People love a thin man. They really do and they fucking, tall thin, he'll cheat on you. That's what you gotta know about this fucking Slenderman, right? So she was arrested. They were put into jail. So now Anissa Weyer was let out, I believe, in 2021. And she didn't, so the Geyser got sent to a mental hospital. Yes. Yes. Weyer was released in 2021 after seven years. Then I guess it makes sense. I guess. Well, because Wire did not actually do the stabbing herself. But she talked the other one into doing it. No, Morgan Geyser was the both dominant member of the pair and did the actual stabbing, but also brought Anissa along with it. Like, tried to sort of put the knife in Anissa's hands. The original attack happened when they went into a park bathroom. Morgan Geyser grabbed Peyton's arms, put them behind her for Anissa to stab her to death. Anissa choked. She didn't want to do it, obviously. And so eventually Morgan took it upon herself later on. So they gave her seven years for that? Well, she's an accessory to murder. She was there. She was a part of this. And this is an attempted murder. That's fucking legit. I know. It's hard when they're 12. If you're where anybody dies and you're involved with the party that someone has killed someone, Yes. You're in trouble. I understand that at 18 and over, but at 12. It's the same. It's the same rules. That's wild. Yeah, same rules. That's a long-ass time for a 12-year-old. They tried to stab her to fucking death. So Peyton crawled through her life. They didn't naturally succeed? She lived. She crawled away. She got help from the road, and then they were arrested. So now Morgan Geyser was put in a mental health facility. Now, they said for a while, I believe that one of her parents had also suffered from schizophrenia. So they felt that Morgan Geyser was showing these symptoms of schizophrenia. She said that she experienced full-on auditory hallucinations. She saw color streams go up and down the walls. And most importantly, believe Slender Man was real and speaking to her. So now she's been in this facility. Do you think she is crazy or she's faking it? This is a long, this is, I mean, this is. At 12, it'd be pretty impressive if you were faking it. Unless you heard all of the symptoms described by one member of your family. Twelve-year-olds are idiots. But also absorb and you'd be surprised what they know what to do. They're great liars. Children lie like a motherfucker. They just don't know. They don't know. Morgan Geiser might have, obviously, I mean, let's just say at this point, my diagnosis, she's cuckoo fucking bananas, right? She's all fucked up. Okay. She's all jacked up. So Morgan Geiser is put into this mental facility. She's supposed to be there for 40 years. That's a long ass time. Yes. For doing something when you're 12? Well, it's because of the way that she acted. It was because of the, it started with, you could tell that there has been some, like, obviously genuine concern. Because they were technically innocent due to insanity. Yeah. So they got, like, released in this kind of conditional way to this mental health facility. And they were working with Morgan for a while. And so the way it started, it seemed, is that they genuinely believed she was very sick. And they worked on it. Now, they seem to slowly relax what they were doing with her inside of this mental health facility to the point where she then got in trouble for receiving material from outside of the mental health facility. this book called Rent Boy. Okay. That is all about a, I believe, I know it features sexual sadism and murder and violence, right? So that was like the first thing being like, oh, and she said, oh, Morgan Geiser got really upset because they were putting all of these kind of parameters on what she could read and what she was going to do. And so someone from the outside, the first example of a man from the outside of the hospital sent her this book, this disgusting, whatever this Rent Boy book is, right? And so she's reading this really morbid, dark stuff. And that was kind of like one weird thing. Who was the guy? I forget the name of the guy. It was just some other man. He's not a family member or friend or anything like that. He's just random ass like. I forget the guy's name. But he's like a fan of her or like a fan of her. He also was helping her sell her artwork on Facebook. So she's she's drawing all these sort of like Morgan Geyser's drawing these super morbid pictures and selling it. So like got to fill that canteen. But it's again, it's like I don't think it really works like that. It's another kind of an example of like, is she OK or not? And so you have these mental health evaluations And one of the I was watching a thing about this afterwards And it hard because you have to take the sick person word as much as you can corroborate that they OK and that they better But you have to take their word. So Morgan Geiser could have very much been giving them everything they want to hear for the last several years. So they gave her provisional release in 2025 to go to a group home. Which, honestly, I kind of agree with. I agreed and I didn't agree because this is where my thought process comes in is that I don't know if she knows if she's really sick or not. I don't know what she knows. And I think that what we're now seeing, my problem is that now with what just happened, I think she's a lot more aware than she says she is. I think especially the behavior I saw in the body cam footage where she very much is obviously she was almost in charge of this relationship with this other person. So now we know that Morgan Geiser was in this. He was in Waukesha, right? It's some group home. 8 a.m. November 23rd. They call that she is left from this place. She's in Madison, right? She's disappeared from this home. She cut her like she has one of those like locator tracker devices on her ankle. She cut it off with a scissor. Right. No idea you could just do that. And they ran up, ran off with this unnamed man, technically. Right. Didn't know. Turns out this person is goes by the name of Chad Mecca. That's like, well, there that's their legal name. They now identify as a woman. They go by Charlie. OK. And this person is 43 years old. Morgan Geyser is 23 years old. this person began speaking with morgan geyser from within the group home and then i guess like from outside that's the only thing that's kind of muddy is that i can't figure out where they met i know that this person was not allowed to visit morgan geyser at the group home which means they already could tell something was really weird about their relationship yeah this 43 year old person then begins to sneak into the window of this 23 year old murderer almost more attempted murderer probably like you know the very uh now famous true crime case yeah and it's almost like in my mind like at first in my head oh my god this person this older person is is manipulating morgan geyser like that's the first thing i thought in my head that's what i that's what It seems like to me from an outsider. Cuts of the body cam footage. So they are, they're at some truck stop. So they managed to get a Greyhound bus ticket. That's not that hard. That's not that hard. You say manage. But that's, I mean, in terms of like, that's all the money they had. They then walked across Chicago. They ended up at this truck stop. Middle of nowhere. Then they kind of just, I guess they crashed. And the police came. And you can see the way that they're acting is that the older person, Chad Charlie, is acting like a child. It's like, kicking the grass, doing all this weird stuff. And Morgan Geyser's the strong one. Morgan Geyser's holding being like, don't let her go. Let her go. I know, I know every, I did it. I'm the bad one. And she's doing this and you're like, it's very, very interesting. So it looks like Morgan may have fucking who? Been the ringleader in this situation? God fucking knows. They had made this sort of fantasy run. They thought that they were going to go to Nashville together. They thought it was going to be, you know, I guess they thought it was good, but they had no money and they had no particular plan. And now we know that Morgan Geyser is back in jail. They caught her. I believe it was the night before Thanksgiving. And this is my problem is that first of all, I wasn't sad that she got caught, but I was like, yes, it's like Mike Myers. Yes. I was like, yeah, but I found that it happened i was just like oh fuck like my my morbid true crime brain and penis yeah i call that my more my true crime penis got real big right yeah because we have a show to do yeah it was exciting yeah but then you look at this and you realize like oh it was really it was really quite sad and i don't think that morgan geyser ever should have been let out you don't think so i mean she obviously tried to escape so i obviously you're right now we know that she i think that she's quite manipulative. I think, but also I gotta say, 40 years for a 12-year-old who didn't even kill anyone. I know that she tried. But it seems like a lot. It really does. I think it takes a lot for 12-year-olds to make really bad decisions. But I think it's different. I think there's a very big difference between, like, accidentally not feeding your gerbil and it dies. Well, that's a harmless thing. But I mean, organized murder. An organized attempted murder by two 12-year-olds is more unusual than anything else. It's very unusual. It's extremely unusual. It's a very, very extreme case. So I could see why they wanted to put her in there for 40 years. And I could also see why they tried to adjudicate it. You're also seeing this is the system. Trying to let her out. Trying. Trying to help. Trying. Yeah. But the problem is they just, there's only so far. You can't help. So what do we know about the person who tried to help her? Honestly, not a heck of a lot. And they are, I mean, how much trouble are they in? What's their crime? I actually, I have no idea. I have no idea if they do get in trouble. I mean, if they paid for the bus ticket, it could be trafficking, I guess. I mean, Morgan Geyser's an adult. He's a legal adult. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a legal adult. I feel like it's just that Morgan Geyser was still technically, I believe, under sort of like a kind of probationary. I mean, they still had an anchor man on her on, so yeah. Yeah, so she's going into jail. And then they're going to probably put her back into that facility. You know, just chill out. And just do your rehab, man. Well, the problem is that I think that she's kind of screwed up. Oh, yes, that's right. Morgan Geiser and this person met at a church. They were at a church together. and she started doing the things telling this person they're treating me bad they're not letting me do these things they're abusing me i think that morken geyser's the manipulator i i think that morken geyser like well i think the other person's uh um i'm gonna call him a capital c creepazoid like for certain like definitely a full fucking creepazoid this article i found does say that chat mecca has a history of sexual uh assault oh of course so yeah you're not wrong there of course okay of course who else is climbing into the window of a famous stabber yeah you know i mean like literally thinking that they could do it so i obviously it's very complicated but i think that morgan geyser is now gonna now they're gonna be like okay well now you stay in yeah and now the other one's fucked good yeah the other one needs a fucking break from society as well i think the other one could probably maybe i think the term is touch not touch grass because they were sleeping on grass i think they need a break i think they need i don't know what they need yeah i just it's weird because i'm so torn on this to be honest with you well of course because we believe that We would like to believe that you can rehab people. Especially a child. Unless it's just... They start killing too early and they're just bad. A 12-year-old organizing an attempted murder is very different. It's very, very different than stealing. It's different than smoking. It's different than anything else. So I can see why everybody's a little confused. Yeah. Especially with dealing with Chad Mecca. and now this new level? Go ahead and throw the book at that one. Oh, yeah, they're going to. Oh, they're going to. As far as I'm concerned. That person, I got nothing in the game for them. But I honestly still feel bad for Morgan Geyser. Oh, yeah, I feel very, I do. But then the problem was, see, I also don't know whether I'm cynical or if I'm mean or something, because I was watching the footage of her being transported back because they had the body cam footage of her going back in. And sort of the way she's going, like, I'm so sorry. No, she's doing it's the opposite. It's like, I hate to say it, but it feels like alligator tears. Yeah. It kind of feels like I think that you're you're putting on a face because you're going, I never should have left. I'm so sorry. She's like doing this thing. And it's like, I think that you're you told everybody else that you were getting physically abused in here. Yeah. So you're not saying the truth either. And what are you going to do out there? Well, now they're an adult. Yeah. But what are you going to do out there? How old's Morgan Geyser now? 20? I think 23. 23? Oh, my God. I don't know what they're going to do. I feel like they need more help. They need even more and more and more and more and more and more help. I mean, they just added another 10 years at least. I'll tell you that much. They got to, unfortunately, it looks like they got to cook some more. Yeah. Well, an interesting detail also, she's apparently still talking to Slenderman. Oh, that's the whole thing. It's all like she's having these, she's still having these weird episodes and she's saying all this stuff. I think that she's dangerous. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. She's still talking to Slenderman. She's definitely dangerous. I think she's extremely dangerous. There's no question about that. I think she's extremely dangerous. And I just think it's sad. Also, Slenderman's not real. That's the issue. That is the main issue. Right? Yeah, there is no Slenderman. There is none. Unless, of course, it's Eddie Redmayne. Yes, it could definitely be Eddie Redmayne. I can bet you right now that Eddie Redmayne's wearing a mask and he's zooming in. Where's he been? I haven't seen him do anything. I bet you he's grooming her. Whoa. Eddie Redmayne, yeah. Eddie Redmayne himself is groomer. Can we check his phone records? I would love to find out, because you know he would love to have a little girl killed in his name. Oh, my God. It would really help him. You know that he would. You know that he'd only make him stronger. Oh, yeah. It'd only make him bigger and stronger. I just, God fucking damn it. God fucking damn it, I knew it. He's doing good. He's God. I hate him. I hate him. You do hate him. I hate you, Eddie Redmayne. What are you doing? Oh, he's got, um, you know, he's only got stuff. He's only got one movie in production. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's on his way out. I think you've wished it into existence. Yeah, good. Yeah, I think so. Oh, I know. It's a Julia Roberts picture. Fuck! She's going to do great. Yeah, it's going to be great. He only gets stronger! He's doing awesome. Yeah, I know. Yeah, good for you, Eddie. Yeah, well, I can't. Honestly, I can't regret him in that way. But still, he is trafficking girls. I know he is. to his home and he's cutting their cliffs off and he's turning them into mittens for fetuses, little baby fetuses. Yeah, we have that on... I know that. I have that on tape. Yeah, we know these things. I have that on Betamax. Yeah, Henry has his little sparrows. My sparrows and my spiders. Fly from your grave. Dude. Alright, you want to do this next story, man? Absolutely. This is the other one of the... Seriously, crazy stories all week. This one is as insane as any other story I've ever read. But also, nothing technically happened. Okay. But bad. I mean, obviously, crimes happened. But, like, none of the dreams came real. Are you talking about wedding? No, I'm talking about going down Haiti Way. Oh! This is such an interesting, cool, I mean, not cool is the wrong word, but, like, it is just, like, wild fucking story. All right. We got two evil broccoli headed. This is like straight up evil. No question about it. Evil fucking twerpy rat face little white boys named Gavin and Tanner. 20 and 21. Think about these fucking idiots. So Gavin. Younger than Geyser. Younger than Geyser. Think about it. And then. But also just shows this is the you know what? This is the undeserved confidence that men receive. Oh, especially from Texas. Oh, yes. because Morgan never thought she could take over an entire island. No. You know? And that's where she's thinking small. Because these guys, Gavin and fucking Tanner. Gavin Weisenberg and Tanner Thomas. These two fucking wastes of life. If your name's Tanner, your parents really fucked you over. They really do. And I know some bad Tanners, too. And some fucking shitty Tanners. I don't think I've ever known a good one. No. Actually, Tanner's a hard name. I don't see if you're a good Tanner. Please write in. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com. And I want proof you're a good Tanner. Yeah, explain yourself, because I don't believe you. All right, so these guys were indicted in a grand jury in Texas Eastern District for a horrific idea. So what they wanted to do... Thought crimes! Well, they went more than think. Well, yeah, oh yes. They started amassing stuff. Very much so. They're going to probably face life in prison. They absolutely are. They wanted to create an army of homeless men from Washington, D.C., that they were going to float over to an island next to Haiti. Yes. Right, which I believe was called, it's like Cavole? It's part of Haiti. Yes. It is officially part of Haiti. They thought that they were- Which is a goddamn disaster right now. I know. It's one of the worst run places. I mean, it's not run by anybody. It is a complete, utter disaster. If you were going to pull something like this off, Haiti would be the place to do it. Thanks, Eddie. No, thank God. So these guys, they really thought that they were going to pick up. So it was Gunaway Island, right? Yeah. So D.C. area, they went to go work in the D.C. area because they thought that they would build up a bunch of mercenaries. They would turn homeless people into mercenaries. They would then sail them across the water to attack this island. They then would kill every man on the island and then capture every woman and child to become their sex slaves. Correct. That is the plan. 26,000 people. Like that. Yeah. Right? Easy. So these guys were like, oh, fuck yeah. Of course we're going to do this. We're going to buy a sailboat. We're going to get guns. We're going to get the homeless guys together. By the way, your number is way off. 85 to 100,000. Easy. Is estimated. Easy then. That's easy because you know how easy it is to train and organize the homeless, right? You're going to get them all together. They love listening. That's why they're in that situation. First of all, I mean, they did their homework. They literally learned Haitian Creole. Okay. So first of all, they said they say they learned Haitian Creole. I'd love to test them. Right. So one of them enlisted in the Air Force and told them that, hey, listen, the reason why in the Air Force. Tanner did. He enlisted in the Air Force so he can go on. So he said, like, listen, it's going to help me get on the inside of me. I got training. Right. Weisenberg, the other fucking idiot, he was up to the, well, Tanner, he was assigned to Ramstein Air Base in Germany. You've been there, right? Yes, I have been there. It's got a Taco Bell and a Kmart. Incredible. And then he got himself reassigned to Joint Base Andrews so that he could be near to D.C. So he said, quote, he could continue their project while he was in training. Like this idea that he'd go out and gisling Maxwell, a bunch of homeless people to become mercenaries while he's training in the Air Force. He joined the Air Force to commit this crazy crime. But I've also heard that training when you're in the army or the armed forces, maybe I'm wrong, seems to take up the majority of your time. Yes. I don't think you're going to have a little busy. I don't think you're going to have a heck of a lot of time to groom the homeless people, especially with how much lice is on them. All right. So it's very, very hard. The other fucking piece of shit. He went and he this was Gavin. Oh, I even hate saying their names. Yeah. You sound like fucking shitty toe headed children. Like just going, my mother, mother, mother, I want cocker in milk. I want cocker in milk. You know, like that style of like these fucking shitty little allergy filled kids and every Montessori school. These kids got green skin. They're all dying. Right. So Gavin, he goes, he gets enrolled in the North Texas Fire Academy to train and command and control protocols. Right. He said skills he would need, of course, because he has to train in order to lead this armed coup of an island. Right. Yes. Failed out of the school. Immediately, six months later, two weeks after being dismissed from the school, he then goes to Thailand, which is where every low rent white boy goes to in order to buy sex, right? Yes. So he goes there because he won't. I want to go there for the weed. I want to go there for the food. And the fights. With your wife? No! No, they have the little fights. Lots of boxing. It's fun. Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. That's where my friend Sonia went. She went to go train. Fighting? Muay Thai. Oh, there you go. It was awesome. I told you. But so he was going to go, and so then they flew to Thailand. Our friend Sonia, please. I think Sonia considers me a friend. I agree. Yes. It's been years. Continue. I'm sorry. I sorry And so this guy was like they wanted to go then train in a tie God they look evil Oh yeah they such fucking The one on the left especially Do we know if that's Tanner? Who gives a fuck? I believe, yeah, that's Tanner on the left. Who gives a fuck? They both need a fucking- He looks like Miles Teller if he got beat to death. He needs a hammer in the center of his forehead, right? So they went to go get Thai sailing school, right? They want to learn in Thailand. and they went to sailing school and guess what they found out? I guess they didn't research it because they're fucking morons. They're bad at sailing. It was too expensive for them to join. In Thailand? Yep. Well, they think they're going to get money here for them. They're 20. Okay? They're morons. They're morons and they're rapists. Right? So that's the problem. They're future rapists, right? Well, yes. So it turns out during this whole time period, while they were trying to figure out how to put all of this together, they couldn't figure out how to recruit homeless men. They couldn't figure out how to train the army. They couldn't figure out how to sail. So they just said, fuck it. We're in Thailand. Let's make some child pornography, which is what they did. Oh, they carry glittered it. Oh, yeah. They decided to just kind of get that going. They said to just drop some of that in there because they figured, have they got some time? You know, Kanye's always working on beats. It's the same thing where they just sat there. They're figuring we could do our job. We could do a job while we're doing our jobs. Right. And so they are. So the two trials, they're two now. Obviously, they are going to be going to jail and they're going to be probably murdered in there. Now, if they are convicted, they got two charges. It was for conspiracy to murder, maim, or kidnap in a foreign country and production of child pornography, the child sexual exploitation material. So they're going to go to jail. And then when they go in jail, the first charge gives them life in prison. Oh, yeah. Which is crazy. I mean, just like thinking of going to another country to merm and rape gives you life in prison just for like thinking and planning it. I think it's because of the written amount of... This shows how dumb they are. Yeah. It must be the amount of written evidence, like hard evidence that shows how much they planned it. You have to use a chalkboard for these things. Yes. Yes. You might want to do this with a whisper campaign. You know? I think it's a lot of that. It's him changing bases. It's him trying to sign up for the sailing school. Like, that's how they put all of that together. My God, these fucking idiots. Idiots. Evil little idiots. And that's the problem, too, is that it's not even, like, think the fucking universe that they are extremely bad. I mean, obviously, it was already an unrealistic idea. Yeah. Just the idea was flawed itself. But also, so was America. You know? It was a little thought in somebody's head. It was a little thought, and then it just happened. So who knows? Yeah. Dude, also, on a side note, fucking central Haiti right now is under total gang attack. Downtown Haiti's not going well? Well, downtown Haiti, Port-au-Prince, if you want to, Port-au-Prince is like they're fighting back a little bit. The Kenyan army, Kenya, sent a bunch of troops to Haiti to help clean up Haiti. And so, and like they're like fighting the gangs in Port-au-Prince right now. And so Port-au-Prince is like getting under control a little bit. Not really, but it's still mostly run by the gangs. But central Haiti, the Kenyans haven't gotten out there yet and the government out there. And so that last week, they killed dozens of people last week in the gangs in the middle of Haiti, killing a lot of women, a lot of children. And they've completely taken over central Haiti now. Well, those two 20-year-old white boys are going to really crush it over there. Oh, my God. They would probably just get immediately murdered. Yeah. You'd think that when they're coming over, when they have the bad news bears of mercenaries all on their stinky tugboat coming around, they're all going, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All these men are just like, they're probably just going like, water, it's a beach. You know, like they're. The real punishment would have been like, you know what? Go for it. Yeah. Let Haney deal with them. Nothing would make me happy. They would have just eliminated them immediately. The U.S. government, yeah, just being like, yeah, sure, here. Here's a tugboat. Yeah, go. Why don't you go try it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, go. Oh, definitely. Go ask for barbecue. Yeah, go there. Go try to take their women and children. Yeah. Definitely go. Of course. Your untrained homeless people are going to do fantastic against them. Oh, my God. Wow. This is fucking terrifying. Oh, yeah, it's very terrifying, man. But also, great story. It is a great story. It is a great story. Unfortunately, it's a phenomenal story. But only the reason why it's truly good is because they didn't make it. Yeah. You know, if they were going to do this, they should have taken a page out of our friend over here, Ryan Wedding. Oh, yes. He kind of accomplished this in a weird way. Wow, that's so funny. I didn't even think about it like that. Yeah, this guy, he's making the white boy turn different dream real. It is weird how these two stories are kind of similar. But this is a guy who knows what he's doing. Yeah, he's not going to just murder and rape. He's just selling drugs. Well, because that's the thing. You notice it's kind of the difference between the Nazis and the mafia. Oh, interesting. You're just there to murder and rape. A lot of people are not going to be super into it because a lot of times people are like, I don't have to be, you know, like, because I know a lot of people, I don't have to yuck anybody's yum. Some people are. into it. Obviously Tanner's very into it. Super into it. But the idea is that Nazis kind of thought that all the murder and the rape and all the torture would catch on and everyone would be like, wow, yeah, this is awesome. You could just do this. Yeah, oh, cool. And I think they didn't really register that most people don't like it. And it bumps people out. And the drug dealers, on the other hand, if you can make money and you can help, I can help you make money and we all just make money. Yes. Seems like people like it. Yep. So Ryan Wedding Former Canadian Olympic snowboarder I love this He is not meddled or anything He is now one of the heads Maybe Of the Sinaloa cartel In Mexico What's that white rap group in Canada Is it Snow Snow the informer I think it's just one guy I think Snow is one man Can we have the no informer version of this That's what this is man This man kills the informer, dude. He is white as fuck. He went, he was, again, Canadian. This is El Chapo's cartel. Yes, Canadian snowboarder. He goes, I guess he's first arrested for, like, so he does, I think, was it the 2002 Olympics? Yeah. And he didn't medal. He kind of gave it up, I guess. Well, you have to. And you're at age. But I feel like a lot of people, you know, there's certain things you can do. I don't know. I don't know if you've got to give it up. But then he gave it up for something way more lucrative, drug trafficking. And he got arrested in L.A. Yes. Yeah, he did. But now he's down. They're looking for him. He is on the FBI's most wanted list as one of the heads of the Sinaloa cartel. Dude, it is. That's not like your local mom and pop cartel either. You know what I mean? This isn't the low level cartel. They're one of the most successful. I guess that's a weird way to put it. No, it's not. One of the most successful cartels in history. Historic cartel. Yeah, and he also is one of those guys where they keep raising the amount of money. Like the reward is something between $10 or $15 million now. They keep raising it. And they're like, that's how you know how well connected he is. It's $15 million. Because the fact that no one's just getting that money. Yeah, no one's turning them in. For just a white guy in Mexico. No, he's running some shit. He's running some. He's really doing a good... They have no idea where he is either. They have a picture of him at a coffee shop, but they're like, he may be in the US, Canada, Colombia, Honduras, Guatemala, Costa Rica, or elsewhere. Dude, and he's like... That's like half of the fucking continent. That's the whole continent. Like, oh, he's in North America. Not even. Colombia's in South America. Dude, and his nickname is El Jefe. The Grande. They call him the Grande and then, oh yeah, one's bad. They call him Buddy. Oh, well, yeah. You know, that's not a nickname. Yeah, that's probably what he calls everybody. Including Giant and Public Enemy are also his names. Giant. Giant. To just be known as Giant. Yeah, well, this guy, he is, Pam Bondi's looking for his ass. Well, you know, that means he'll be fine. Well, that means he's lucky, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll get away. But yeah, the fact that he's running this is insane to me. Because also El Chapo's son just rolled over on everyone. He didn't roll over on him. Nope. This was yesterday, I believe. Yep. And then so no one knows exactly where this guy is. Also, another Sonola cartel leader was just killed yesterday, El Pinchon. Well, that was like one of those because now we're just in a semi-hot war, right, with Mexico essentially right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. We always are, I guess. But I thought that we didn't do that for a long time, and now it's like, because it's our administration's particular obsession, I believe that we've really ramped it up. Yeah, we've ramped it up, and we've also ramped it up against Venezuela, but that's a whole other story. That's a whole other story. That's a whole other thing. But yeah, so this guy, he's out there. They're looking for him, but it seems like he's just successful? Yeah. You know, and that is a sign of success, I think. Yeah. You know, because I worked with, I'll always remember, I worked with John Hawks on the Amy Schumer show. John Hawks, he played Saul. I love John Hawks. One of my favorite actors in the world. In Deadwood. And he also played the guy who gets jerked off a bunch by Helen Hunt. Yeah, he's great at getting jerked off in that movie. Yeah. And he said that, I always remember, because he's like, he didn't have a cell phone. He doesn't have a computer. If they need to go get him, they go out to his ranch. They literally, like, fax him at his ranch. They email him scripts to his little ranch. That's the only way that you can find him. That's the El Jefe, man. Yeah. That's the El Jefe way. He lets things come to him. You know, Carrot Top doesn't have a computer or a phone. I think it was because he keeps smashing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, so they believe, the FBI believes Wedding has ordered dozens of murders across the globe, including the United States, Canada, and Latin America. They say he's orchestrated the murder of U.S. federal witnesses to testify against him. And it's gunned down in a restaurant in Medellin, Colombia, early this year. Dude, this guy is legit. He must have been quite the competitor. But he didn't medal. No, he didn't medal. He was not a great snowboarder. I mean, he was a great snowboarder. He had to have been. If he became an Olympian. But how sad is that with that kind of stuff? You think about how you train your whole life for the stupid Olympics. It's the only thing you do. It's the thing. That man's been snowboarding since he was a fucking child. Yeah. Right? And then you get the one time. You make it all the way. You beat every other snowboarder in Canada in order to get on the snowboarding fucking Canada Olympic team and then you don't medal and it's like you did nothing. I mean, this guy's dad has to be proud of him. Well, yeah, the dad is, but nobody else is. That's got to be the most brutal feeling in the world. When you have done nothing, you've done nothing but win. You've won your way across the country and then you get to the last place where you got to win and then you fuck it up. God. I mean, now he's in the last place where he has to win. It seems like he's won. My motherfucker's living the life. Whatever's going on, yeah, he's a murderer, and God knows every other thing he's done. But honestly, this is the best sports career I've seen since OJ. That's an incredible post-sports career. So if you have any information. Who's in a better post-sports career than this? Than this? Bill Belichick. He's dating a 24-year-old. I mean, that's horrible. Dude, his life looks so miserable, to be honest. He's so bad, he can't even win college football right now. No, he's very distracted. But if anyone has information on Ryan Wedding, keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. He'll fucking shoot you in the head. I'm going to go out here and extra say, I have no idea where he is. Yeah, I have no idea. And if I did, here's your continued success. Yeah, here's your continued success. And honestly, until I hear otherwise, congratulations, El Jefe. We'll be your podcast. Honestly, we'll be your Sean Penn. I will be. Honestly, come here. We can talk about this. I can get you access to amazing people. David Desmounchon. Yes. I can get you access to. Who else can I get access to? I can get him access to all sorts of people. I can get him access to a lot of stuff. A lot of people looking for... I can't even say it. I know Bob Saget's widow. Wow. Holy shit. Stop bragging. Oh, man. Yeah, Ryan. Best of luck to you, buddy. And we mean you. Neutral. It's neutral. Yeah, we're not trying to get you caught. We're just talking about your story. We're just... Literally, we're deeply impressed. All right? But I'm certain he's a murderer. We know he's bad. All right, before you guys all fucking tear us to shreds, we know he's a bad guy. We know he's bad. We're just actually scared of him. We are genuinely frightened and sort of proud. Yeah. Just a little bit. Oh, man. Fly from your grave. You see, this is another really crazy slash sad story, but it's right up our alley, so I feel like we got to talk about it. The one out of Ocala. Hmm. It's an Ocala, Florida story. This story's fucked up. A woman from the UK traveled to the United States to have a man from Ocala. Horrible place. Don't. If you're going to be tortured and murdered anywhere. Don't do it in Ocala. Yeah, don't do it. No, it's really bad. Miami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least see something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just not even. There's nothing worth it. Although they are building Ocala up. It is better than it used to be. Are you being paid by Ocala to say that? No, I just know that it is technically better. They're trying to Port St. Lucie it and make it a respectable place. Sure. But this guy lived there. This guy's one of these. He's got a real long chin beard. That was the last picture of the old picture of him. He's a real long goatee. Guys who grow their goatee real long is a pretty interesting look. So Sonia Exelby, she was 32. She was from Portsmouth, England. she flew into Gainesville airport on October 10th and then found this man Dwayne Hall 53 years old she contacted him online and talked to him about murdering her she was suicidal and she was like I want to I guess she realized she couldn't do it herself so she thought this guy would she fetishized getting murdered Yes, and she met him on a fetish website. This is very obviously when we covered the Arvin Mivas case. This is kind of a similar mechanism where she said, like, not only do I want to be murdered, I want it to be horrific. I want to be tortured. I want it to be a whole process. They spent a long time communicating with each other, kind of setting up the parameters for it. Yeah. And then she flew over here, met with him. He started to kill her. Started to do what they sort of had agreed to do. Seems like they had sex a couple times as well. Well, or it seems, it depends on... He filmed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He filmed it and then deleted it and then they were able to recover the video. Yes. Nothing's ever deleted, by the way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, and so they deleted it and then he ended up killing her. and then he stabbed her a bunch and then he mailed the knife to his friend and he got caught with all of it. Now didn't she, we now know that there were some communications during the time that she was trying to maybe tell somebody I've changed my mind. Yeah, it seemed like she but it was already too long. Oh yes. It was already too far gone. She was already in there. Yeah, she was already in there. This guy's a murderer because he's just looking for people to murder on the internet. But also the guy technically it's that fucked up thing that we covered with that case where they like, at what point when you set up, like obviously side stories, LP, O T L, the gmail.com. We have so many people in the King community and we know that there's so many rules. And like, obviously in this, the murder is a psychopath It bad But you in a scenario where you been talking about it for weeks and you telling somebody word for word whatever i say you keep doing it yeah whatever i say you keep doing it but and then you're now in the middle of it and you're saying i don't want to do it anymore to me i would be like if i was the guy looking to voluntarily kill somebody I would really want to make sure that that was really a certain decision. And I would be checking in all the time. And I would be giving them ample room to leave the situation. That's because you're nice. Because, you know, again, I'm new. Yeah, you're new at this. But Excelby messaged her friend on Discord on October 11th. She said he made it clear that there's no way out unless I shoot him. I was questioning it last night. I thought he'd do it quick and not give my mind time to stew. So there was, she was stuck for a while, but her body was found in a shallow grave a week later. And then, I mean, he's then sent the reason they knew that he did it because they found he bought a brand new shovel to dig the grave. I mean, you got to. Yeah. And then they found a special day. They found the sticker from the new shovel in the ground next to her in her, in the, in the grave. and then they knew he bought then they found the shovel at his house with her DNA on it. Oh wow. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he was just fucked at that point. As he should be. As he should be. Yes. Of course. Yeah. He's arrested with a charge of first degree murder, kidnapping credit card fraud because he took her credit cards, bought a bunch of shit as you do and he's done. It is just a bunch of evidence to get him. Oh yeah. He's done. He's done. He's definitely he's a murderer yeah and she was uh she wanted to take it back and he went through with it anyway and did it um yeah this is fucking horrifying weird case i'm sure a lot more stuff's gonna come out about this absolutely it's just i can't believe in this year of 2025 that this still happening because like actually i was just reading about some some old fuck that went and got he he was a part of a uh he got into european suicide service and he went and he used it himself he's like 92 it's like a doctor and they do with like a medical facility and they put a hot shot in you and they do all this stuff it's not the um the weird thing that just slowly stops giving you oxygen like the tube we talked about the suicide pod though is actually really apparently really nice yeah because it's nitrous you don't you don't choke to death yeah you just click the button and you go to sleep but yeah because they put uh i forgot what it is the gas it's like another type of gas where it's like it's something that they, oh yeah, he's immediately as Rob is Googling this. Suicide pod. Help is available. Yeah. Help is available. No, don't worry. No, no, no. We're doing this for entertainment. 988. Suicide Outline, of course. Always just call. Always call to check in. Make sure they're okay. Well, there was three people living their best life in the Florida Keys this week. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. When you go ahead and you put the dick down in a Winn-Dixie. This came in really hot off the pipe right before we got recording here. Florida Trio. Yes. Marathon, Florida. Three people were arrested after authorities in the Florida Keys say they were found having sex while heavily intoxicated in a Winn-Dixie parking lot in the middle of the day. You know, people say life ends at 40, but not accordingly. These guys, if you look at them, Sharon, Helen, I'm going to say her name is Saplinsky, 45. Marathon, Sapunsky. Marshall, Adam Lowry, 43 of Key Largo. Oh, what a sexy town. Michael McDonald Howard, 59 of Marathon. They were all cornhole on each other inside of a car, inside of a parking lot of a Winn-Dixie. And if you see the three of them, you know why. Because the sexual energy is off the charts. Yes, the South did rise again. Oh, man, oh, man. Now, my question is, were the boys kissing? Most likely. I mean, it seems like it was... You think the boys were kissing? Actually, you know what? I'm looking at these guys. No. No. I don't think they were. You don't think the boys didn't start off the kicking of the night? You know, honestly, these three, they all look like criminals, not to be a bad guy, a judgmental person. They all look like criminals. Let them do it. You know? You know the problem is it's the middle of the day, buddy. It is the middle of the day. It's the middle of the day and it's a private business parking lot. You know what I mean? If they were in the driveway of their home... You're right. Tickets were a Ramada. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you want air? Don't you want walls? It just helps, you know, because it sounds like I'm going to guess what they were doing. My guess, her tits were out and she was jerking them off. While sitting on another man, I'm guessing. Or all three of them are in trouble. She's just doing this. If you're just sitting in the front seat watching, do you get in trouble? SideStoriesLPOTL at gmail.com I actually don't know. And also I will say they're lucky they did this at a Winn-Dixie and not a Publix because they would have thrown the fucking book at them if they did this at a Publix. To be honest, at Winn-Dixie they told them to come back. They were like, honestly, we have a sale. Yeah, Czechola is really cheap today if you really want to. Honestly, we've got turkey breast. Come get some of our hologram ham here at Winn-Dixie. When you guys come, come on inside. we actually just made some challah because it's almost it's almost Hanukkah and you guys must be celebrating soon oh man they look Jewish no these people are not Jewish oh wow no yeah no not quite waspy names there is nothing there is nothing Jewish about these people let's check him yeah no oh here we go alright except from some letters I think oh yeah let's hear some I think we did this I think we did this in the mail I think we did this in the mail Fuck yeah. Who did that one? That one is from Payton Proster. Thank you, Payton. Thank you, Payton. Very nice. That's fucking sweet. For those of you that sent in sad widower stories. We'll get to them. We promise. We're going to be reading them. Or we're going to go through them. I'm going to go through them and I'm going to make them bearable. But last stream on the left, we will announce a winner of the foot dildo. Right there behind your head. We will choose the saddest widower story. Behind the sign if you need it. Oh, okay. I see. Oh, you put it back in the packaging. Yeah. We're going to talk about it. They're going to get that foot dildo. Well, then we have the other ones, the actual vaginas. Yes, and we did say- I think those are usable. The foot one, we already touched it a bunch. And so it's not like- We didn't fuck it. If you're a widower, do not fuck any of these fake pussies. Why not? I guess it's probably best. Yeah. Let him fuck the fake pussy, man. You know what? All right. Yeah. Oh, you win. Yeah, let him. What are you talking about? You win. They made them. We didn't. They're still packaged. I want them to. I want them to. Yeah. Just make sure you follow the cleaning instructions. Yeah. Get a hose. Yeah. So here we go. I love this. My father was sextorted. Uh-oh. After hearing about your sextortion segment on Side Stories today, I figured I'd write about my dad. Ten years ago, I woke up for work and there was a Facebook message from who I thought was my dad. He and I were always a bit estranged. so I find it kind of odd that he'd have messaged me at all, let alone 3am. I figured he was just drunk messaging me randomly or, worst case scenario, something had happened to a family member. Little did I know it could be worse than that. The message request was a video, and as I'm on the toilet pushing out my morning poop, I hit play. All I could really see was a silhouette of a man in the distance in a room that appeared to be illuminated by a television screen. I figured it was supposed to be a funny video he shared, but the figure started walking closer. I soon realized that that figure was clearly masturbating. I'm thinking to myself, why is this motherfucker sending me a video of some asshole jerking off? And then it hit me. It was my father, absolutely going to town on his penis looking into a webcam. Apparently, he got some sort of message from a person or a pre-recorded video of a woman touching herself and inviting him to join her. My father, being my father, naturally obliged. After some time, according to him, the messages started saying that he was caught on camera, and if you don't send X amount of money to yada yada, they were going to share this video to everyone on his friends list. Little did the scammers know, my dad gave absolutely zero fucks about anything and said, Go ahead, motherfucker. I don't give a fuck. That's what I said. Yep. It certainly wasn't the worst shit I'd heard from my dad, but I absolutely wasn't expecting to get a video of the man beating on his dick that created me while I was taking a shit. Later, when I asked him what the hell was that all about, he explained it to me. He couldn't stop laughing. You have to be in my fucked up family to find the humor. My sister and a few cousins also got the video. Oh, no. We still joke about it to this day. I guess they had cloned his account to make me think it was him sending it. We lost Pops in August to asshole cancer that spread throughout his body, which was fitting because he was an asshole, but he was a funny one. That made me fucking laugh. That made me fucking laugh. Oh, my God. How much he didn't care and how much the family didn't care. I feel bad they had to see it. But still, I just love that it bounced right off of him. I like that the guy taking it. If someone sent me a video of someone jerking off, I would immediately shut it off. But he's taking a shit and he's like, what is he doing? What is this? What's going on? What are you doing? Who is that? Is that my dad? Oh, yeah. I'd be screaming. I'd be screaming. I would have a seizure if I saw my father masturbating. But, you know, you also, he wasn't a beloved father. No, I think that actually kind of weirdly helps. Makes it easier. Yes. Oddly enough. If it was like a good father, he probably would have paid the money. Yeah, he might have. Who knows? All right, here we go. Here's another one. My grandmother has been hit with the scams hard in the past. Oh, another? Uh-oh. She sent computers to Africa because Mark Zuckerberg asked her to. She sent tens of thousands of dollars to these scammers, one saying that because she wouldn't give him money, he had to commit himself, and now they won't let him out unless she sends money, which she did because she felt bad. Anyway, when we finally figured out what she was doing, we put an end to it. She started getting messages saying that they had nude photos of my grandfather with other women and that they would release them to the public and humiliate her. My grandfather, whom is the biggest perverted old dog you could ever imagine. Oh, so she believed it. Yep. Told my grandmother to ask the people to send them to him. And he was excited about showing the public about how much action he was still getting. You see, that's fun. Again, dementia can be really, really fun. But it can also be harrowing. We don't know. No, no, no, absolutely not. Oh, my God. No, no, no. It was just the lady had already become a very fertile ground for scammers. Damn. So more people can. You got to be careful. Scammers, put them in prison forever. I mean, I hate scammers more than anybody. I was just following a case last night. It was on 48 Hours about a dentist that essentially got his assistant addicted to drugs. And then she started getting into a relationship with him. And then you would manipulate her by giving her drugs and doing all this kind of stuff. And there was something to that where at the very end they were going to go through the sentence and they couldn't really figure out what the crime was. A lot of times it was kind of trying to figure out like, OK, if if you go if she voluntarily taking the drugs, if you got to find this kind of evidence. And it turns out he got this sort of type of murder plea, which is he it's it's called depraved heart murder. where because of his actions as both a doctor and as a person, it's a version of second-degree murder. It's like, this should be illegal, but we have to do something. We have to figure out how to do this. And so he got the fucking book thrown at him, 40 years. The minimum is supposed to be like 20, 25. That's how much they gave guys. But they gave 40 because he was a doctor because they said the same thing. We have to make an example of you. Yeah, you should know better. as a doctor. These scammers are fucking crazy. I get texts all the time from scammers and they've really like, I hate how they like straight up prey on loneliness. Like it's just always like, oh, how you been? Let's get sushi tomorrow and stuff like that. Those are the texts I've been getting. Oh yeah. They're very interesting. They're all like you going to Deirdre's tonight? Yeah. It's really crazy. Just start sending pictures of your fucking balls, man. Oh, well then I'm going to start getting the other one. Hey, but then, hey, cool. You know what? I just need to have like a crazy dick pic ready of someone else. Yeah. You know who you need? Robert Irwin. Robert Irwin? The chef. The celebrity chef. I showed you the penis before. I thought you meant the crocodile guy's kid. I'm never talking to him about him. No, because that's the same name as the guy who just won Dancing with the Stars. Oh, yeah. The crocodile hunter's son. Oh, never him. No, I don't even know he existed. I'm talking about Robert Irwin. I'm talking about the chef with a huge fucking hog. This is who everybody thinks you're talking about. No, not him. That's a boy. It's his child. He's got a little penis. God knows how little his penis is. He's a little child. I wouldn't talk about him. I'm talking about Robert Irvin the man. You know what you need to have? What? You got to have, what's his name's penis on your phone? You got to have fucking Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz's penis. I'll keep that on my phone. The wife wouldn't mind that. Well, then, honestly, they don't ever see it. Keep it for yourself. I bet Lenny Kravitz's penis is beautiful. It is. Have you ever seen this picture? I don't want to see his actual penis. It's right here. What are you talking about? It popped out on stage. Oh, it popped out on stage? Yeah, it was on stage. Oh, man. Yeah, this is innocent. Hell yeah, man. That shit fucking flew away. Honestly, it popped out like a salamander's tongue. It zips out. He looks like a giant evil butterfly. I love Lenny Krabitz. We only do, and the ladies do as well, because he's got a big old cranking hawk. And it just zapped right out. Wow, yeah. There you go. Even the blur is big. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah. it wasn't going his way, huh? Yeah. I actually do think it is. I do think it is. You just, you know, you got to really got to wear more relaxed pants. Oh. All right, go check us. Good old Lenny. Live every day knowing for a fact you can survive if you enroll at Thanksgiving. And you can laugh about it later on with your family knowing about how there's a lot to deal with emotionally. But you can also love the fact that it's probably never going to happen again. Yeah. And that you can have beautiful, cherished times with the family and still then celebrate Thanksgiving later on. Yeah, this is your last Thanksgiving funeral. I'm calling it. Yeah, I think that it's a hard day. It's a hard day already. Because guess what? Food gets cold. Food definitely gets cold. It's not, yeah, no, we're already busy on Thanksgiving. Super busy. Sorry to put it all together. It's hard to throw an event of that nature. Yeah, the only funeral on Thanksgiving should be for the turkey. Yeah. And then I said, that's a fun one because we all eat it. Yeah. We're going to be in Vegas on Sunday. Come and hang out with Henry and I at Wise Guys Town Center this Sunday, December 7th at 6.30 p.m. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're having a blast. I got some stuff I'm going to give away because we've been doing the reverse Q&As at the end of the show. Yes. And we gave away some stuff this past one. We gave away a bunch of Dan Marino cards that Henry and I signed. But I got some stuff to give away at this next show. I'm very excited. so come on out we're gonna have a blast it's gonna be a great time it's almost sold out too honestly it's just out by where the people live so if you're a people of Vegas I want Vegas locals I want people of Vegas to come on out but I want the locals I want you guys there I want to know you we go to Vegas enough where we should be friends George Knapp get your ass out there I want to see you at our show also I got some stand up shows coming up January 4th at Oxnard Levity Live. That's a Sunday. It's going to be a hard one to get people out to, so please come enjoy us. It's going to be a lot of fun. I got Holden McNeely and Jake Young doing a set. Julia Johns and Carolina Hidalgo. It's going to be a lot of fun. That'll be a lot of fun. And then on February 18th, I'm going to be the Punchline in San Francisco with Grant Gordon. Come check it out. It's going to be a blast. I love you guys. That's it. That is it. That's all we got, baby. So go check it out. Go check out all our fucking horse shit. Because the last podcast had left, Coach Mac. And Christmas is right around the corner, isn't it? You can really feel the pressure. We got to do some extra work. Get ahead for Christmas. We can take some time off. I'm going to blow my brains out. You love it. I do. I got more work for you to do. Bye. Hail St. May. Yeah. Hail Akron. Yeah. Oddly enough. Ha ha.