Share & Adobo & Tell with Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones and Michael Cruz Kayne

Pablo Torre: I'm Pablo Torre, and this episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale. Exceptionally smooth cognac for all your game day festivities. Please drink responsibly, because today we're going to find out what this sound is.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: [Laughs] You're laughing, but I was mad because for years I've been teased and laughed at for wearing a cowboy hat. Over 30 years. Beyonce makes one song, comes out wearing a cowboy hat, and the whole world wears it. You were laughing at me last week, but now you're wearing it. Where can I get the cowboy hat? Right after this ad.

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[Ad continues]

Pablo Torre: In too many Chicago neighborhoods, access to fresh food is a luxury, not a given. Gardeneers is working to change that by supporting school garden programs that empower students to grow their own produce, learn about nutrition, and fight back against systemic food injustice. These aren't just gardens. They're pathways to health, education, and equity. Learn how you can help at Gardeneers.org. Let's grow food justice in Chicago together.

[In-studio conversation begins]

Pablo Torre: I just need to say thank you for coming in.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Thank you, man. I appreciate it. It's an honor and I'm flattered.

Pablo Torre: Can I ask you a question that is very self-serving, but I think we'll establish some of the ground rules for what's about to happen here.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Uh-oh, okay.

Pablo Torre: Hamburger, do you have any idea what this show does normally? To what extent? Is this a thing that you're familiar with in any way? And if the answer is, I know nothing, that is my default expectation, so please just...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I know nothing. What do I have to sign?

Pablo Torre: Perfect. That's great.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Uh-oh, I need to sign something, son.

Pablo Torre: In truth, the whole origin of this with me and Michael Cruz Kane, who's sitting to my right, and you, Alonzo Hamburger-Jones, sitting across from us in a way that is so exciting, is that as of a couple weeks ago, months ago, depending on how long ago that was, that we talked about you, you walking in here would have meant very little to me relative to what it means today. Can I just clarify something up top? Do you prefer to be addressed as Hamburger?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, you can call me Hamburger.

Pablo Torre: For real? Okay, great. I sort of executively...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: You just went for it.

Pablo Torre: I wasn't sure if those were the rules. It crossed my mind, but then you signed one of your texts, I think, or messages, Hamer.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right, okay.

Pablo Torre: And I was like, I'm just going to pretend like I can be familiar as well.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, a bold move.

Pablo Torre: We talked about how we didn't know you.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: And then what I did was I got extraordinarily familiar with you by watching all the game film.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Not much of a life, huh? You have nothing else to do? Just bored?

Michael Cruz Kane: Paulo's mostly Googling. If he's not here, even when he is here, he's just Googling stuff.

Pablo Torre: And Michael, by contrast, what have you done to prepare for this?

Michael Cruz Kane: I have done nothing. I have done nothing to prepare for, except I have watched and re-watched the clip from Deaf Comedy Jam, which I've seen now, I've probably seen like 20 times.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Wow. Okay, I got 20 new views. Thank you.

Pablo Torre: So if you're new to Pablo Torre Finds Out because you just subscribed for our ongoing investigative series about the Clippers and Steve Ballmer and Kawhi Leonard, thank you for the views. We very sincerely appreciate that. You should also know that our show, which comes out three times a week, investigates lots of other stuff pretty much all the time. And exactly one month ago, we dropped an episode with Michael Cruz Kane and our friend Katie Nolan, where we found out something else.

[Clip from previous episode plays]

Pablo Torre (in clip): I learned about a comedian whose name I think is Alonzo Hamburger. Do you guys know this guy?

Katie Nolan (in clip): Well, I'll tell you the big thing about Alonzo Hamburger is that he says hamburger a lot. He says hamburger all the time.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones (in clip): Look at this big joker here. Same dumb one standing in front of YMCA talking about "Ooh, look, they done spelled Macy's wrong." Damn, Bergen ain't gonna have him.

[End of clip]

Pablo Torre: Then, once other people heard us say all of that, it began to dawn on me that this was someone that lots of other people, friends of mine, extremely vividly remember, specifically from Def Comedy Jam in the 1990s. And they were horrified, almost offended, that we did not. So I thought that it was only right that I find this catchphrase comedy legend and invite him into our studio to sit with us. And we somehow started talking about the thing that every other sports podcast has been talking about this month: the NFL. I want to visually describe what you're wearing because it's one of my favorite things about what's happening right now.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: You're wearing a Daniel Jones Giants jersey.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Jones. That's Jones.

Pablo Torre: It's for the Jones.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: So the Daniel part of it is very... it's irrelevant to the jersey that you're wearing.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Well, I'm a big Giants fan. I wanted him to do much better when he came to the team. I thought that the first year was good. In my opinion, I thought he was good. But he didn't have a good offensive line, and I don't think he got a fair shot. And you know how New York fans are. You got about 30 seconds to show and prove, if not you're out. But I just think that Daniel Jones never had a good offensive line. He could run. He could run, but he can't get to the goal line. Remember the seven-yard run or something he got? And then he fell down.

[Clip of play-by-play]

Announcer (in clip): From the 12, Jones keeps. Gets a block. Takes off, and he is gone. Trying to stay upright and he trips.

Pablo Torre: Can you imagine announcing that play?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: He's at the 50, the 45, the 40. He's going 30. He might go. No, he ain't going all the way. Look at this.

Pablo Torre: So just because I want to establish how often in real life you say your catchphrase, does it happen a lot?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Mostly on stage. It's a word of excitement. It's a word to prevent me from using profanity. But when you get me on stage, you're going to get it eight times a minute.

Pablo Torre: Thank God. Hamburger. I was going to say, you just did the game call of Daniel Jones as Alonzo, but what if it was, you know...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Hamburger. Oh, he would have got to have the end. It would have been Hamburger. What just happened here? Hamburger. I can't believe this. He tripped over the ground. And he has fallen.

Pablo Torre: It's also like that is, to talk about what you were just saying, it is a very New York fan to go, "He ran 70 yards. F*** him."

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right. It's a great play.

Pablo Torre: Years ago, the Jets had the butt fumble.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, Mark Sanchez.

[Clip of play-by-play]

Announcer (in clip): Here's the offensive coordinator. You've got a busted play here. And then Sanchez gets hit. The ball is loose, and it's alive. I have never seen this before in my life. Watch this. Vince Wilfork is going to throw Brandon Moore back into his quarterback. He's going to fumble the football. Mark Sanchez not expecting it and it was the backside of Brandon Moore that knocked the ball out.

Pablo Torre: So which one is worse? Which one would you take?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: The butt fumble branding is hard to be worse than. Yeah, butt fumble's worse for sure, I think. Daniel Jones doesn't have a nickname for when he just sort of steps on a rake that no one else sees and then he collapses. Adrenaline should have taken him from that far. You get that far, man, you just die. That's everybody's dream to get that far in the NFL. I mean, you ran 70 yards, and now you're going to just drop. That's embarrassing. Daniel Jones. Who would wear his jersey after that? Daniel Jones found out. Who would wear his jersey after that? That's embarrassing. What kind of guy? What idiot would you walk around?

Pablo Torre: Hamburger more.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Daniel Jones. I'm giving him NFL comeback player of the year this year. Oh, my God. That's what I'm calling it right now. Daniel Jones, Michael Pittman, Jonathan Taylor. That's the Colts' big three. They're back. They're back, baby.

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[Second ad]

Pablo Torre: In too many Chicago neighborhoods, access to fresh food is a luxury, not a given. Gardeneers is working to change that by supporting school garden programs that empower students to grow their own produce, learn about nutrition, and fight back against systemic food injustice. These aren't just gardens. They're pathways to health, education, and equity. Learn how you can help at Gardeneers.org. Let's grow food justice in Chicago together.

[In-studio conversation resumes]

Pablo Torre: Can I ask about hamburger?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Ask anything you want, man.

Pablo Torre: When was the first time? It doesn't strike me as something that someone would plan before they get out on stage. But did you, or was it something you just happened to say on stage? You're like, "Oh, this kind of... this is fun."

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So we're going back to 1988 to start a comedy. And we'll jump forward to about 1990. Whereas I'm starting to realize what comedy is all about. And I'm realizing, even somebody would say, "Who was on the show last night?" I don't remember. And I said, "I don't want to be someone in the crowd. I have to be different, separate myself." So one night I'm in a room with some guys from New York, and they're trying to tell me who I am on stage. And they told me I'm country. And I said, "I am not country." And they said, "Yeah, everybody from Jersey's country." And it got a little ugly and it was about to get physical until they said everybody in Jersey's country. So I said, "I'll show you what country is." And I do my uncle, who's from North Carolina, and he says hamburger instead of cursing. Because they wanted me to wear overalls and get a pig. And I said, "That's not me." So I came in a suit with the cowboy hat. And I said, "Hamburger. Hamburger." So I said, "That's it. I'm not going to do that again." So the next night, everybody's like, "Yo, Tex, where's your hat? Where's your hat, Tex?" I said, "I'm not wearing a cowboy." I'm like 26 at the time. It's the hip-hop era. Everybody's into a whole different look. I'm walking in with a cowboy hat, and I stick out like a sore thumb. That was my wish, but be careful what you ask for. So now I'm saying hamburger, and it's becoming catchy, and people like it. And I'm like, "Okay." Then they tell me you're going to tape television. I'm like, "Why do you say hamburger?" Hmm. I say hamburger because I don't curse. But I was cursing at the time. So now I have to retrofit a whole story for this phrase.

Pablo Torre: So you know I grew up in a neighborhood. My mother was in church and so I...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: You grew up in Jersey?

Pablo Torre: Yeah.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay. Is there something wrong with that?

Pablo Torre: No, no, no. Okay, all right. Just a little country.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Jersey not country. Agree or disagree, Hamburger. In my area, it's not country. But if you go down to South Jersey, you might get it there. So now I have to realize I say hamburger because I don't curse. So now all the profanity comes out the act, and I'm a clean comic now. And I'm saying hamburger. Now I have to have my point of view. What is hamburger about? The things I don't like in life. At the time, I was a big R&B fan in the 70s. I didn't like the new music. So now I'm talking about the music, the way the kids dress, and this, that, and the other. And it just stuck and it grew on and on. So now it's hamburger. Hamburger ain't going to have it. Hamburger don't make sense. And I'll just let you know, hamburger.

Pablo Torre: The number of things that I want to just say aloud right now. I want to start with number one. You are in fact currently, for those not watching on YouTube, wearing a black cowboy hat.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: And it's glorious.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Thank you.

Pablo Torre: The integration of the hat, that you kept from the country premise.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: But really you became hamburger-centric.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: Because that was really the distinguishing aspect. And the cleanliness of your language. You're saying you weren't a clean comic.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: No. Initially, no.

Pablo Torre: Are you a guy who curses in life?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: No. So people ask me, do I have a filter? How do I do it? How do I go through every day? I just... I thought you had to go on stage and curse. I didn't curse. But when I started doing stand-up, I thought you had to curse to be a stand-up comic. Not realizing it's just about being creative and being funny. So now, after the Def Jam thing, I'm following guys and girls who are just cursing up the world. And now I got to write my jokes a notch harder to compete with this because I'm not cursing.

Pablo Torre: When did you realize that the number of things you could substitute hamburger for was apparently infinite?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: It just happened. It just happened because hamburger. And then people would come to me after a show or whatever and say, "Hamburger. I say this instead of this. I use your hamburger when that happened. I was about to discipline my kids the other day, and instead I said, hamburger. Somebody cut me off a road rage. Hamburger. My boss got on... I didn't get fired thanks to you because I said, hamburger." My boss just paused and said, "What?" You can't get in trouble. Worst thing that happened? Somebody serve you some food. That's the worst thing that happened. So you're good.

Pablo Torre: Have you two ever been to a comedy show?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: I mean, so Michael is... I do stand-up. I write for a TV show. For a comedy show. When was the last time you did a show?

Michael Cruz Kane: The last time I did a show was... Was I there? A week ago maybe.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh no. You remember everyone on the show?

Michael Cruz Kane: No.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: See, that's my point. We're comics. And we can't tell you who was on the show with us. That's not good. So people say, "You did a show last night. Who was on the show?" Ooh, I don't remember. So I said, "You know what? I have to find a way to erase that problem." And that's when I started doing Hamburger. So going back, I'm wearing a cowboy hat before Def Comedy Jam. And this is the hip-hop era. This is Showtime at the Apollo. So people want to boo and heckle comedians. You try walking on stage with a cowboy hat, and people are like...

Pablo Torre: I was going to say.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Night after night, I had to fight. I had to fight for my life every night on stage. And it's like, "Where's your horse? Hey, Roy Rogers." And I'm sitting there every night. So it was a tour they had out. Laugh went out. I forgot the name of the tour, but they didn't want me on there because I wasn't hip-hop enough. But all their comics went on stage and got booed off one night. I went on after them, crushed the crowd, demolished them, and they're like, "Yo, we want you on the tour." So now I'm on the tour. It was a tour with some of the local comics and they had comics from Living Color and other comics who was popular at the time hosting the show. So Mark Curry was the host. We're in Boston. Everybody gets booed off. And the promoter says, "I'm not paying you guys."

Pablo Torre: That sounds terrifying.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right. But this was the norm back then. So I said to myself, "My phone bill is due. I need this money." I said, "I'm going out there and you're going to pay me." He said, "We only had to do 10 minutes." He said, "If you do 20 minutes, I'll give you double. I'm going to do it." So Mark Curry said, "I don't advise you to go out there. That's a brutal crowd." I said, "Bring me up there." So from the time I took the first step on stage, "What the? Get out of here with this hat. Oh, my God. Where's your horse? Whoa, whoa, whoa." Five minutes later, I had them in the palm of my hand, left with a standing ovation, got my money, kept my phone on. Burn. So it was like that every night, night after night, people just didn't believe in me because I had a cowboy hat. So after I did the Def Comedy Jam segment, Russell Simmons comes running on stage after the show and grabs me, and he's frantic. I'm like, "Oh, what did I do wrong?" "That was brilliant. That was brilliant. That was a great set of marketing everything in my life. That was brilliant." I said, "What?" And it didn't catch on at the time, but he said, "You know, that was great marketing. Some of the greatest I've ever seen on stage." So I'm like, "What does he mean by that?" And then little by little, it started to happen. I saw where people were saying, "You are memorable. We remember you." And now some people love it or some people hate it. I read some of the reviews where it's a hacky comic, this, that, and the other. But then people who've come to see me live and saw me in person say, "This guy's funny. He's good."

Pablo Torre: Well, that's what I want to tell you is that, admittedly, when I discover you and the pitch from Michael is over the weekend, I discovered a comic who says the word hamburger instead of many normal words that you would say. I'm like, "What the hamburger are you talking about?" And then I'm going through your tape and the deaf comedy... Like, when you get on stage, you're also like, I mean, dude, you're going at the audience.

[Clip from Def Comedy Jam]

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones (in clip): Happy Halloween, baby. You're on your feet. You are so quick. Check out my man here. Rico Suave. Y'all looking good out here tonight. I'm going to get y'all on. Look at it.

Pablo Torre: So one guy said, "You're a different dude with that mic in your hand." And I said, "What?" And then it clicked. But that night, there's a backstory to the Def Jam taping. So Def Jam, I was a little upset because maybe two or three tapings, I'm not on the show. All my friends are taping, but I'm not being included in the episodes. So I said, "What's wrong? What am I doing wrong?" But finally, they put me on the show. Here I am, and the first guy goes up, Chris Tucker, Mr. Rush Hour.

[Clip from Def Comedy Jam]

Chris Tucker (in clip): Pissed off, man. Just got me a new place, man. Hate my neighbors, man. I got neighbors that borrow all the time. You ever had a neighbor that borrow your and keep it so long you have to borrow it back?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So he goes out and gets a standing ovation. So as a comic, you know the show should go up and up.

Pablo Torre: The bar is set high.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Exactly. If the first guy gets a standing ovation, that's a tough act to follow. So the next guy goes up, he gets booed off. Never in the history of Def Jam they didn't want to get booed off. And this is around the time that Showtime at Apollo is the hype show. So people think that's how an audience is to be. No, we're taping for HBO. We're doing a different thing. Booing is not here. Heckling is not here. But this crowd happens to think we are going to boo. So the second guy is booed off. Now the next girl go on, they heckle her. She drops the mic and runs off stage. So now if you watch the show, at the end of the show, they have these dancers that come on. But right there at that point, the dancers are on. It's almost like an intermission. I don't know if they're changing, filming the cameras or what. But I'm backstage with Bernie Mac, who's going at it with Martin Lawrence saying, "Hey, you got to do something. This is not Showtime to Apollo. Let them know they can't boo. Do some careers online." Martin turns around and said, "If you can't handle it, you shouldn't be here." And I was like, "Oh, wow." And now Bernie says to me, "You're from New York. You do something." I said, "Bernie, to be honest with you, I'm not from New York. I'm from Jersey. So we got a bigger problem." I'm paranoid now because I don't want to get booed. Everybody else is getting booed. After Chris booed, booed, I'm like, "I can't get booed." So what do I do? I go out there and mess with the audience.

[Clip from Def Comedy Jam]

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones (in clip): Look at it. Big roundaway girl. Lights been sitting at a bus stop sucking on pork chops. Hamburger. Hamburger. You know I'm telling the truth.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: It's a time where I'm saying this is going to make it or break it. I'm just winging it and going at the audience and the jokes are working. I'm thinking I just crushed, just killed because I'm like, "Who else want to play? I ain't scared of you. Come on, who else want to play?" I might as well drop the mic and walk off stage.

Pablo Torre: And Bernie's on the same show, right? Bernie comes after me.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Crazy. Because Bernie, I think I remember that set. That's what I'd heard about before where that's where he's like, "I'm not scared of you, mother******." That's that set.

[Clip from Def Comedy Jam]

Bernie Mac (in clip): I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. I'm going to tell you something straight off the motherfucking press. I ain't coming for no foolishness. And New York, goddammit, y'all motherfucking women look good. Y'all like a big of an egg sandwich, look good.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Bernie goes on stage and takes the crowd and picks them up and throws them across the river. I said, in seven minutes, this guy demolished that audience. Had him in the palm of his hand from "I ain't scared of you. Come on. And kick it." And the place went crazy. Never in the history of Def Jam has anyone. He probably had one of the greatest, if not the greatest, sets ever in the history of Def Jam. And I think we had the greatest show ever in the history of Def Jam. And they came back years later and did the Def Jam DVDs and the Def Jam VHS tapes, which brought a second life to us. So hamburger on back and hamburger we've been kicking it ever since.

Pablo Torre: And that's where I started feeling stupid. Because when I go back and I see your legend, it originates from something that so many people, so many of my friends knew you from.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Really? Tell them I said hello, man. I appreciate that. Each and every one of you. They're listening right now.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, mine too. Absolutely. And in that way, they remembered you because of all of the things you said about your origin story. So when you went out in all these shows where you're talking about you're going up against these hostile audiences. On Def Jam, for example, you open that with crowd work, right?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: How often would you start doing crowd work? Because that can be doing stand-up. I know if the crowd is hostile, it is nice to sometimes get into the crowd because then they know that what's happening is spontaneous. They feel like it's real as opposed to "I wrote this script, I'm gonna come out and say these lines." So if they boo you and knock you off your horse, so to speak, you're saying they could scare you out, but if you engage with them right away...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Did you just make that up? "Knocking off the horse"?

Pablo Torre: Yeah, I didn't mean to do it.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I'm gonna write that down though. That's good.

Pablo Torre: Just two pros.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But so my question is, how often were you doing crowd work? Or did you only do it when you were walking into hell?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Well, it got to the point every night I was walking into hell. I can say hell. Hell's not a curse.

Pablo Torre: I was going to ask.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah. And because people sit there, no, that's appropriate. You're not H-E double hockey stick sing.

Pablo Torre: So you watch Happy Days?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Of course. That's my favorite.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, I'm elbowing jukeboxes and everything.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay, we're going to get back to that. So imagine every night you walk on stage and people are heckling you. But then some nights they're not. So now I'm in the frame of mind that every night I'm coming for the audience first just to make sure we know there's a new sheriff in town. We're not going to have this tonight. So it got to the point where people wouldn't even mess with me. But I'm just in the frame of mind that I'm going after the audience first. And it's been nice, innocent people. And I walk on stage and just tear up the audience for no reason. I'm like, "You know what? They didn't deserve that." So now I'm less brutal on the audience. Nobody's knocking me off my horse anymore. I got a saddle. I learned how to ride. It's good.

Pablo Torre: But it's ahead of its time. I mean, look, a lot of what you're describing, the marketing strategy of "I got to stick out" and also crowd work. These are things that are very modern in the internet era now.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I didn't have a manager, so I had to create my own marketing campaign. Where is this going? What's my plan? And I used to tell friends of mine, they were very physical on stage. This is cool now. You're in your 20s. But what's going to happen when you hit 60? You can't roll up and down. J.B. Smoove's a good friend of mine. And I used to tease him, like, "You're very physical. When you're 60, you're not going to be able to slide across the stadium and dive." Me, I'm 26, acting like an old man. And that was another thing. Because when I finished Def Jam, everybody thought I was 40, 50 years old. And I was 26, 28 at the time. Don't laugh. Here's the thing that used to really bother me. So after the show, girls would walk up. "Oh, my God, you're so funny. And you're handsome. Are you single?" And I'm like, "Hell, I'm single." "My mother wants to meet you." I'm like, "Your mother?" So they go off and they bring... I'm like, "Oh my God." So that was the negative part of it because everybody thought I was old. When I tried to get into some acting, they would cast me for roles that Sherman Hemsley from The Jeffersons.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving on up.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right. But people in that age group, they would say, "If Sherman turns this part down, it's for you." And I'm like, "I'm not that old. I'm 28." So it got to the point I had to walk into a casting agent's office and have someone call him and said, "Is anyone in your office right now?" I said, "Yeah." "How old is he?" "A young guy, about 26, 28." "That's Hamburger?" And he was like, "No way." I'm like, "Hamburger, that's me." So they would send me down to the casting office. I get scripts that were made for younger people. People just thought I was an older person, so it didn't work for me.

Pablo Torre: Well, this is a lot about you so far, kind of figuring out who am I on stage as the audience and the world and casting agents are sort of responding. And you're kind of adjusting and remaking yourself based on that. But the era, and this is something that I underrated and I also didn't realize, the era of the catchphrase comic. Were you aware that there were catchphrase comics when you became Hamburger?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So, it's funny you said it because I had no clue. Catchphrase comics. Who was the catchphrase comic? Who were back in the 80s with some of the catchphrase comics that you remember?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I know, like Larry the Cable Guy. I thought maybe a little later on. "Get 'er done." I guess I should do this. "Get 'er done." That's right. "Get 'er done." All those came after. But the guy who was, again, I'm learning about all of them, finding out in real time as I'm watching this stuff... Shucky Ducky. Shucky Ducky. Quack quack.

Pablo Torre: Let me tell you what Shucky Ducky is.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: See, Shucky Ducky is this phrase that I created that means disappointment or excitement. For example, instead of cursing, when you stomp your toe, you say, "Shucky Ducky." Now, if you see a fine girl or a guy you like, you say, "Oh, Shucky Ducky." Now, if you get the girl pregnant, you say, "Damn." Don't you say "Shucky Ducky," because you done shuck your ducky too long. That's when you should have been using your rubber ducky. Now your ass is f***ing ducky.

Pablo Torre: And that's a good friend of mine. He came, I'm going to say, either the same time or a little bit after, but he's from Dallas, Texas. And a lot of people, believe it or not, get us confused. But just to clarify for people who don't know Shucky Ducky, and they should now because, of course, but Shucky Ducky quack quack. Quack.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Had you ever sort of like bonded with him about catchphrase comedy?

Pablo Torre: We've been on shows together and we tried to... I guess you don't know about SNL. Saturday Night Live. Yeah. They did the "Kings of Catchphrase Comedy." It's the original Kings of Catchphrase Comedy tour.

[Clip from SNL sketch begins]

Announcer (in clip): The four kings of catchphrase are back and they're going absolutely crazy.

[Clip continues]

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: And they did a spoof on myself, Shucky Ducky, Bernie Mac and others. And Kenan played me. Now, here's the scary part. I did Comic View. I wore a purple suit with a tie. He had the same exact suit and tie. I don't know how they did that.

Pablo Torre: Shout out to the wardrobe department at SNL.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Exactly. They researched very well, and I don't know how they found the material, fabric, whatever, but they reincarnated me. And he came out and said, "Beef Jelly!" With David Beef Jelly Winfield.

[Clip from SNL sketch begins]

Kenan Thompson (in clip as "David Beef Jelly Winfield"): So my buddy Jimmy said, "Hey, man, you want to go to the Waffle House?" And I looked at him and was like, "And I ain't going to the house made from no waffles. Beef jelly."

[Clip continues]

Kenan Thompson (in clip): And they're dusting off all your old favorite bits, like "Eatin' Dookie." You ever come home and catch your wife eatin' dookie talking about him? What put this dookie in my hand? You did, you nasty-ass bitch. Beef jelly.

[End of clip]

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: And people say, "Were you offended?" No. I go on there, and everybody's treating me like I'm king. "He's here, he's here, there he is." And I'm like, "SNL knows me?" Jay Farrell, yeah. So Jay Farrell brings me on the show and everybody's... and the guy comes, I wrote the script. I said, "No, I wrote it." And everybody's shaking my hand. I'm like, "Nice to meet you." "You're not mad?" I said, "No, can I take a picture?" I'm like, "Yeah." But they would treat me the way I felt about them and it was an honor. I'm like, "Here I am." And they did a part two, "Kings of Catchphrase Comedy Part Two." So that was well.

And then Jimmy Fallon on tonight's show, he and Jerry Seinfeld sitting there talking, and he asked Jerry Seinfeld, "Did you ever have a catchphrase, you know, like hamburger?" And Seinfeld said, "No." He said, "No." I'm like, "Yeah, hamburger." And they start talking about me. I'm like, "Seinfeld knows about me?" And then every now and then Jimmy Fallon would do a skit and say "hamburger." And then he did the 12 Days of Christmas. "Hamburger, hamburger." And I'm like, "This is ridiculous. The legend lives on."

Pablo Torre: Right.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But people calling me and texting me like, "Yo, you're on this, you're on that." Different shows throughout, I'm on television. Somebody would make a catchphrase. You know, I'm not saying nothing to you, but "hamburger." And I'm like, "This is amazing." But no one calls me to do a hamburger commercial. No one calls me to be on the show. Drop, drop, hint, hint. But that's who should be saying hamburger.

[Ad break]

Pablo Torre: How have you not had a hamburger-related endorsement?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: That's what I'm trying to figure out. This is crazy. And when I came off the stage and after Russell Silverdy said... I was sitting by my phone and I said, "Any day now someone's going to call me to do it." And I'm like, "Idiot, they don't have your phone number listed. So how are they going to call you?" But I thought through some way, somehow, I'm close to New York. Somebody's going to find me and say, "We need you to endorse our hamburger. Just say hamburger."

Then they did a movie called *Posse* with Mario Van Peebles. It's a Western. I wasn't in it. I'm like, "I don't have to go to wardrobe or anything. I just walked out there. I had my own hat." How are you going to make Western movies and not include Hamburger? Get out of bed and be right there.

Pablo Torre: Exactly.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So I don't need a script. I know what to say. I know how to say "howdy" and other country words. So let me have it. Hamburger.

Pablo Torre: So you've been waiting because Def Comedy Jam was '92.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: You've been waiting 33 years for that phone call.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Now you feel my pain.

Pablo Torre: Yeah. If this show does anything...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes. I want Carl's Jr. people.

Pablo Torre: What are hamburgers' top five hamburgers?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: That's a great question. Top five hamburgers from Hamburger himself. You're going to get me in trouble now. Somebody's going to say, "Well, we wanted you, but you didn't pick."

Pablo Torre: You got McDonald's.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay. This is in reverse order?

Pablo Torre: McDonald's? I think it sounds like it's in no particular one.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: No, no, no. We got to have a particular. You're a sports fan. You're wearing a Daniel Jones jersey. Okay. McDonald's number one.

Pablo Torre: Wow.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Number one for McDonald's. Wendy's number two.

Pablo Torre: Okay. The Square Burger.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I'm not forgetting nobody. Burger King. Burger King. And that's all we have in this area. That's it.

Pablo Torre: Well, I mean there's also... you got Shake Shack. You got like those are like the fast food places. You got what... I've discovered, and this is startling to me, it doesn't sound like Hamburger likes hamburgers that much.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I do. But that's only three. I mean, White Castle was it. And they're kind of... is there still a White Castle in New York City?

Pablo Torre: Yes, there is. There's like three where I live at in the area.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But White Castle, that was my go-to as a kid. I love those. There used to be one in my neighborhood, but they tore it down. As of yesterday. Love a steamed hamburger. We were telling the kids how it used to be a nickel, then a dime. And I Googled it. I think it's like $1.19 for a burger at White Castle. That's crazy. It can't cost more than a dime.

Pablo Torre: Same size.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Can't cost more than a dime to make that burger. Same size, but now it's $1.19. Wow. Damn, burger, that's a lot.

Pablo Torre: What's your order at McDonald's?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I get the quarter pounder. Filet-O-Fish. I love the Filet-O-Fish.

Pablo Torre: See, wait, in the same visit, will you do quarter pounder and Filet-O-Fish at once?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: In high school, yes.

Pablo Torre: Okay. A little surf and turf.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I once set the record. I have five quarter pounders in one sitting. That was the record.

Pablo Torre: Hell yeah, yes. I would do that same shit. I would go to McDonald's. I'd be like, "Let me get four number twos, super size, let's ride." So I was in the marching band. They used to tease me, but I always wanted to be the crazy guy who would challenge the football players. So we went toe to toe so he could eat the most. I ate five quarter pounders at my setting.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: You ate one and a quarter pounds of quarter pounders?

Pablo Torre: No, I ate five consecutive quarter pounders.

Michael Cruz Kane: No, but he's saying four quarter pounders.

Pablo Torre: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one pound. That's over a pound of hamburger.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: For the record, my first job, I worked at McDonald's. I was a chef.

Pablo Torre: How was that job as an experience for you?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Well, it was good because you got to work at the county, see the girls when they came in. That was a good thing. Yes. And, you know, in the first job, you learn discipline. And it was a lot of fun, working at McDonald's. It was an honor because that was prestigious.

Pablo Torre: Oh, I used to have birthday parties.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah. You know, in like the basement of McDonald's. You get that was growing up. I'm from Manhattan.

Pablo Torre: Okay. Like that's, yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I grew up in Connecticut, but being in the ball pit of McDonald's as a child was like being in heaven. It would be like going to a Beyoncé concert now.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But you know, I took a lot of pride in how to place the burgers on the bun, make sure I had the proper amount of onions.

Pablo Torre: You're an artist.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes, and serve them because...

Pablo Torre: How, now, because I am a Big Mac loyalist.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay.

Pablo Torre: I just had one two days ago. Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion, sesame bun.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, absolutely.

Pablo Torre: The sauce is perfect. It's a scientific instrument that I have found delivers every single time. But now I'm looking back at the lineup for Def Comedy Jam '92. And you're telling me, and this is, I want the *Mad Men* theme music to rise under us. Okay. Out comes Hamburger, followed by...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Bernie Mac.

Pablo Torre: Bernie Mac. "I ain't scared of you." And you're telling me between Hamburger Jones and Bernie Mac, there's not a Big Mac and Quarter Pounder advertisement that McDonald's... Somebody missed. Somebody... What are we... We gotta go back in time and fire somebody. The f***.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Excuse me.

Pablo Torre: No, no, no. I feel the same way, but I can't say it. Say it for me.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: What the hamburger? Hamburger. What the hell? That's a missed opportunity.

Pablo Torre: Yes.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So hopefully someone in... also Stetson Hats. They should have called me by now. You're laughing, but I was mad because for years, I've been teased and laughed at for wearing a cowboy hat. Over 30 years. Beyoncé makes one song, comes out wearing a cowboy hat, and the whole world wears it. You were laughing at me last week, but now you're wearing it. "Where can I get a cowboy hat?" People, I want to be a cowboy. So they go out and get the boots not knowing you can't wear cowboy boots for eight hours straight dancing and whatever and then try to walk back to your car. Your feet hurt. Now you are a cowboy because you're limping and staggering.

Pablo Torre: So, Hamburger. We should get you on tour with Beyoncé. Beyoncé's come up a couple times. I feel like she probably listens to the show.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes.

Pablo Torre: Got to get Hamburger on stage. Maybe part of the Beehive, yeah.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Wait, can I ask the question about comedy again? So you've been saying "hamburger" in your set since 1992. Before, since before '92. Since '88 you said you started. But you started doing "hamburger" like in 1990, a couple of years later. About '90 and then about '92, I had perfected it to the point I could take it on stage.

Pablo Torre: Okay, so now you've been doing it for 30 plus years since then.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: True.

Pablo Torre: Is there any part of you that's like, "I'm locked into this hamburger shit. I wish I could stop doing this. But now I kind of... now people are like, people are coming to see that." So have you made a prison for yourself?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes and no. I've tried to stop it. I saw Chris Rock one day. I said, "I'm ready to get rid of this hat." He said, "No, don't do it." I said, "Why not?" He said, "That's what makes you special. Keep the hat. You'll be like everybody else." I said, "You're right." So I kept the hat. One night, I showed up to a show without the hat. Promoter said he's not going to pay me without the hat. So it's to the point now I've branded myself to have to have the hat. So I'm a little nervous now to go on stage without the hat because I don't know how it works. So this thing is like glued to my head.

Pablo Torre: Right. Mentally.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So I'm going to keep wearing the hat.

Pablo Torre: But you know what? Okay, I don't mean to cut you off.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Talk.

Pablo Torre: I just wanted to say that because you're so locked into the hat, you're so identified with the hat, you're so identified with saying "hamburger," you could kind of do like a Clark Kent Superman situation. Go to some city where they don't know you as well, no hat, no hamburger, and just do totally different stand-up. You call yourself Filet-O-Fish. You go by Filet-O-Fish.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: That's right.

Pablo Torre: Do I say "Filet-O-Fish" like I say...?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Filet-O-Fish. It doesn't seem the same way.

Pablo Torre: Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Feel it out.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: [Tries it] Filet-O-Fish.

Pablo Torre: It's like watching a tortoise. No, it's like watching... the reference that comes to mind... no one is gonna know it's like watching James Galway pick up the flute. You know what I mean? Just like, what is he gonna do with Filet-O-Fish? And here I am trying to do it for him like an idiot.

Michael Cruz Kane: Can you help a fellow comedian develop a catchphrase? Do you have any extra catchphrases lying around?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I just got one of my bags. A bag full of catchphrases.

Pablo Torre: Under your hat, I know, is a list of catchphrases.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So I'd have to watch his act and see what he talks about, what's his background, and tie it into that. Because it has to go into your act. Because it's not going to make sense when you say something that daffodils. And he doesn't talk about flowers or anything. He's an artist. He's not just cranking out nonsense.

Pablo Torre: How would you describe your act? The hamburger conservative? I guess I do. If I talk about any sort of culture, it's probably being Filipino. I'm half Filipino.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay.

Pablo Torre: Pablo's full. So we're kind of arranged in order of how Filipino we are right now. We're like a pound and a quarter of Filipino.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Okay. We're five quarter pounders of Filipino right here.

Pablo Torre: So you're Filipino. So I guess if I were going to shout a word, it would be "adobo" or something. Is that... that maybe would be a catchphrase then?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah.

Pablo Torre: So far, I'm offended. So scratch it. You've been canceled already. I mean, now that I'm saying this, I might try it. I might try just for one sound saying "adobo" every time I would naturally swear.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But you know, it's the painful part is watching a comic really try a catchphrase that doesn't work and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit the act. And they go up there and say something over and over. And you're sitting there like, "Give it up, dude. It's not for you." And you know, sometimes, and this is a secret, when comics are bombing, they're going to say, "Crazy, man, crazy, crazy, man. It's crazy."

Pablo Torre: Have you ever seen it?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, absolutely. Of course. And I watch comics and that's the catchphrase. "It's crazy, man. It's crazy. It's crazy." And I'm like, "No, give it up. Just give it up." Catchphrase is not for everybody.

Pablo Torre: I think I may have said this to you before, but it's like, ironically, like the word that you won't say, the word "fuck," is inflected and used in as many ways as you use the word "hamburger." It can be a noun. It can be an adjective. You can take it and make it what you want.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: And so your comfort with inflecting it is what makes, to me, the whole thing work. And look, the whole criticism underneath the SNL sketch, if you wanted to see it not as a comic who's supposed to laugh at himself and everything, but as a sensitive person, which it sounds like you did not react this way.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: No, I loved it.

Pablo Torre: But the whole idea is this is hack.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right, exactly.

Pablo Torre: And how do you feel about that general criticism?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I know that it's not hack because it's funny. I'm funny. And once people see me live and in person, they have a whole different point of view of what hamburger is. And hamburger is funny. Because it's not just like I'm going to come on stage. "Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger." There's jokes in between. And sometimes you don't even catch the fact that I'm saying "hamburger" because it just slides in there.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, you're saying it as if you would say a normal word.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right. But people by the time they leave, they walk up to me after the service. "Hamburger." Now I have the whole entire audience saying "hamburger." How did that happen? So I just left Canada and I was shocked because here 200 people waiting in line to shake my hand and say "hamburger." "I always want to meet you. Hamburger." And I'm like, "How did people overseas know about this thing?" So it's a worldwide effect. It's unbelievable because the jokes have changed, but hamburger is the same.

Pablo Torre: I mean, to that end, there are certainly, like, on clips of this show where we talk about you, there's definitely people in the comments being like, "How is it possible that you have not heard of Alonzo Hamburger Jones?" Where I work with a bunch of comedians, there's one comedian who, like, introduced me to you.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: It's a wide range of people who go all the way from, "Oh my God, I've seen everything he's ever done" to, "Wait, I can't wait to see it."

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: And it's, you have a way on stage that is like a very, like low key, but very joyful. I think that is fun to watch. The vibes are good. It's never stopped. The sort of like virality of the clip we posted is part of, I mean, I'm now using hamburger for views.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Absolutely.

Pablo Torre: I mean, I'm definitely loosely saying "hamburger" in my life just from time to time.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Just don't say it on stage.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, okay.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Has anyone tried to copy your literal same catchphrase?

Pablo Torre: No, no one said "hamburger." But one guy went on stage saying "pork chop." And when he came off stage, the comments were like, "That's too close. Get the f*** out of here. Get the f*** out of here. Get the f*** out of here." And I was like, "Really?" I was like, "Really, dude? Come on." So, and then early on, people were like, "Shucky Ducky." I said, "Shucky Ducky and I, we never saw one another." So it was just a coincidence that two guys came through the same era.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Right.

Pablo Torre: So that's about it. But can I shout out my Instagram?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Of course.

Pablo Torre: Comedian Hamburger on Instagram.

[Ad break]

Pablo Torre: Tape the Chappelle show, but it never aired. Wait, what did you tape for a Chappelle show that never aired?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So we did a skit. It was supposed to be Def Comedy Jam meets Def Poetry. Dave was going to be the host of the Def Jam meets Def Poetry. It was Joe Torrey, myself, some more, and Shucky Ducky, and Mos Def.

Pablo Torre: Mos Def hosted, didn't he host Def Poetry Jam?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Did he? But he was on a skit with us.

Pablo Torre: Okay.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: I thought he really hosted that show, but maybe I'm remembering it right. We made it to the bloopers of Dave Chappelle's show. And that's the one he comes on and he said, "Well, this skit we're supposed to have Hamburger come out and Shucky Ducky, but this didn't happen. Let me show you what I wanted to be." And he just shows himself playing a bongo. And I was so happy. I was like, "I taped Chappelle! Taped Chappelle!" But that's it. I just taped Chappelle. So it never aired. So somewhere out there, there's a video of this Def Poetry meets Def Comedy, right? And you're in it.

Pablo Torre: And I saved the phone call when they called me back. It's on my phone.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh, really?

Pablo Torre: Yeah. That's great. You still have it?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah.

Pablo Torre: I don't know how much time we have.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh, we got time to play. I love a saved voicemail.

[Voicemail plays]

Seth (in voicemail): Hey Hamburger, how you doing, man? Hey Hamburger, how you doing, man? It's you, Seth, giving you a buzz from *Chappelle's Show*. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, man. But just wanted to let you know that the episode that you shot will be airing next Wednesday, the 31st. Next Wednesday, the 31st, will be the episode that you shot. It is going to look a little significantly different because they chopped up a whole bunch of different sketches and put them into this one particular episode. So from what I saw, it looked like it was just, you know, Dave's portion, and a little bit of like Mos Def's. But that's because normally there's only about three or four sketches in a show, and we're going like six in that particular month, and they chopped it up. But it will be airing next Wednesday, the 31st. All right? Thanks again, and of course, we'll keep you in mind for all kinds of other stuff for Season 3, as Season 2 has come to an end. So we will definitely keep in mind for good things happening for Season 3. Thank you so much again for joining us that one time and helping make Season 2 what it has become. So, all right, take care now. We'll talk soon. Bye-bye.

[End of voicemail]

Pablo Torre: When you hear that, you're anticipating what?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So I'm anticipating that I am now about to go to a different level. First of all, I'm thinking about all the people in my neighborhood who are going to be like, "Oh my God, you're on Chappelle. You're on Chappelle." Really, I just want the kids in my neighborhood, because they talk about Chappelle's show every day. So I'm like, they're going to be like, "How did you get to go on a Chappelle show?"

Pablo Torre: Right, right.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: And, you know, that would do a lot for your career, being a skit on a Chappelle show. And I got to play myself. So I'm thinking it's going to help launch me into comedy clubs, launch me across the country, launch me across the world. But it never aired.

Pablo Torre: That call sounds like he's trying to tell you, like, that you're not... like, he's not saying it. But he's kind of telling you. You got cut. You've been cut out of the show.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, just like it's different.

Pablo Torre: So when you go on to the episode, you just weren't in it at all.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: So which happens, by the way, like in the biz.

Pablo Torre: Oh yeah, I've been cut out of... I've been cut out of several things. He was in *Severance*, by the way. I wasn't cut out of *Severance*, but I basically was. But I also like, I think I had a line maybe in the pilot of *Succession* or something that got cut out. I had a scene in a different show. Like I'm accustomed to that. But it sounds like your thing was more substantial. My lines were... I mean, even if I'd been in the show, it's like I was cut out of the show. That's how small my parts were. But the feeling of like, I sat there for a whole day and we worked on all this shit. Went to wardrobe. All these people I respect and all this stuff and it ends up not airing. That sucks.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Well, I was just happy because I still say on my resume, "Taped Chappelle show."

Pablo Torre: Yeah, hey.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Did not say it aired, but I say I taped Chappelle.

Pablo Torre: And now you can say, "Taped..." Do you know what the name of the show is? There's two, yeah, you have two segments. Which one am I on? Am I right?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, well, it's a... Investigating? Finding? It's probably not. Effectively, the answer is not. It's probably not going to go on your resume now.

Pablo Torre: Wow. I will. You have a large following. All my friends, like, "Yo, go on the show."

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh, no, no, no. The show is called *Michael Cruz Kane Finds Out*.

Pablo Torre: Finds Out, right. Not Michael. It's called *Pablo Torre Finds Out*. That's the show that you're on. And currently, there are a lot of NBA fans who are expecting a development in a massive scandal in the league around Kawhi Leonard and the Clippers and this fraudulent company. And what they're going to get is the life and times of Alonzo Hamburger Jones. And so this is where I just got to jump in to very quickly say that I, of course, did text, friend of *Pablo Torre Finds Out*, a previous guest on our show, Neil Brennan, who co-created and co-wrote *Chappelle's Show*. And what I asked Neil was to remember the life and times of Alonzo Hamburger Jones. Quote, "Do you remember a sketch from *Chappelle's Show* that got cut at some point in the run that involved hamburger? Parentheses, as in Alonzo Jones. Close parentheses, question mark, end quote." And what Neil wrote back immediately was, quote, "Of course." End quote.

So I should explain the show at the very end of the episode to you. Like we're a show that uses journalism. So you know what this show is. This is a show that uses journalism to solve mysteries and has been lately investigating a relatively large scandal involving the sixth or seventh richest man in the world, Steve Ballmer, the owner of the Clippers.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Can I interrupt you to just say one thing? You may not know this, it's his show. I'm like, "Oh, I'm on it sometimes." But you or like the guy who discovered me and turned me on to himself.

Pablo Torre: Yeah, that's right. I am the con from you. *Michael Cruz Kane Finds Out* was how I...

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: But the funny thing, I don't know when it aired, but two people sent me a text saying, "They're saying your name, Hamburger. Look at this. Look at this. You got it." I'm like, "Inbox? Just inbox." So I did it. But thank you, man. It's amazing. It's a great thing. But Hamburger will go on forever. But like I said, I write new jokes daily. You know, I often say the folks in Beverly Hills, those big, big shot comedians, they don't know what's going on in the world. They don't interact with normal people. But for myself, I happen to talk to people every day so I can take the stuff that I hear normally and just bring it on stage. "How do you know about that? That's the latest slang. What do you know about that? You're too old." No, I'm still living. I'm in Jersey. I know everybody.

Pablo Torre: Yeah. Hamburger Jones Finds Out.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: There you go. That's right.

Pablo Torre: At the end of every show, *Pablo Torre Finds Out*, we go around the table and that Katie Nolan, who usually sits in your seat. So Katie, she's got the chair.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah. I like the chair.

Pablo Torre: Katie, it's Katie. We're sorry that you're not here, but Hamburger needed the chair.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah.

Pablo Torre: We just, there wasn't room. And Hamburger, I think is going to actually enjoy potentially how we end the show, which Katie never does. Cause I go around and say, "What did we all find out today?"

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah.

Pablo Torre: So Michael, do you want to start off with what we found out?

Michael Cruz Kane: Sure. I mean, I found out that people would accuse Jersey of being country, which is a thing I've never heard in my entire life. The word "country" I've never heard associated with Jersey before. But that was just a different era, I guess.

Pablo Torre: Spoken like a true person who's from Connecticut.

Michael Cruz Kane: Yeah, that's right.

Pablo Torre: Is Connecticut country? People from Connecticut do not think of themselves as country. They think of them as country. We have country houses, but not country. So the people living in the country house are not country. I don't think they would say so. They would think of themselves as... compare yourself to New York. You can't compete in the love of God. Hamburger, what did you find out today?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: That I'm not as popular as I thought I was. There's two guys...

Pablo Torre: That's your takeaway?

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: There's two guys who didn't know me.

Pablo Torre: Oh, gosh. We're in the hamburger renaissance. We're in the burger-science. We're now in the hamburger cinematic universe. We don't know very much. You know what I mean? So I would, don't take our ignorance as a personal slight. What I found out today.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes, Pablo, what did you find out?

Pablo Torre: Is that Hamburger is a great hang. Legitimately. And also, deep down, you just want to enjoy a Filet-O-Fish.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: There you go.

Pablo Torre: With some tartar.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: With some tartar. And cheese.

Pablo Torre: That's it. That's what life is all about, man. All these wars and people carrying on. Just everybody sit down and have a hamburger or a Filet-O-Fish and that would solve all the problems.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: We ended on a life lesson.

Pablo Torre: Yeah.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: We can go to Ukraine right now and put a hamburger and a Filet-O-Fish.

Pablo Torre: Whoa!

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: And solve all the world problems right there. Inflation? Come on, just eat a hamburger.

Pablo Torre: Zelenskyy, if you're listening.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yeah, that's all you need.

Pablo Torre: If Zelenskyy, Beyoncé, and McDonald's are listening. This is not a turn I expected this show to take.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: And Bernie Mac.

Pablo Torre: Yeah.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Yes. Rest in peace. Definitely.

Pablo Torre: The Big Mac.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: That's good. The Big Mac. The biggest. The biggest Mac. The biggest Mac of all.

Pablo Torre: Thank you for your time.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Thank you for having me, man.

Pablo Torre: My pleasure. Hamburger.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Hamburger.

Pablo Torre: Or, as I say, adobo.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh, God. Adobo.

Pablo Torre: Practice that.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: No, I think it sounds good. Adobo.

Pablo Torre: No.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones: Oh, boy. My wife was late to pick up the kids today. Adobo. Does that sound good?

Pablo Torre: It sounds like you're not going to give me any competition.

[Outro music begins]

Pablo Torre: *Pablo Torre Finds Out* is produced by Walter Avaroma, Maxwell Carney, Ryan Cortez, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rob McRae, Matt Sullivan, Claire Taylor, and Chris Tuminello. Our studio engineering by RG Systems, sound design by Andrew Bersick and NGW Post, theme song as always by John Bravo. And we will talk to you next time.

[Ad break]

Pablo Torre: Volunteer with Gardeneers and help support students in Chicago's South and West Side schools as they learn to grow fresh food, care for gardens, and build healthier futures. No gardening experience needed, just your time, energy, and a desire to help local youth thrive. Best of all, you'll be making a direct impact where it matters most. Sign up to volunteer today at Gardeneers.org.