--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so glad you're here. It is an honor to be able to spend some time with you today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome to the Mel Rob... I can't even get it out. I'm so excited to talk to you. Thank you for... What am I even talking about? Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm Mel Robbins. And after that, it's going to be hard to believe that I'm a *New York Times* bestselling author and one of the world's most trusted experts on confidence and motivation. But I am, and I still screw up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I am so glad that you're here. You could listen to a ton of different things, but you chose to listen to this podcast. And the reason why you did is because you know it could help you improve your life. I think that's really cool. So I want to acknowledge you for taking time for yourself. I love that about you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, you're going to love today's topic because today I'm addressing one of the most controversial things I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast. Okay. So you're probably thinking, "Mel, you promised you are going to address one of the most controversial things that you've ever said." And if you've been a longtime listener, you're probably thinking, "What could that be?" Well, it's going to surprise you. It's really going to surprise you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I had no idea how controversial it would be for me to say "I love you" on the Mel Robbins podcast. I kid you not, the most controversial thing I have ever said on this podcast is when I end every single episode by saying, "And in case no one else tells you this today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life."
--:-- Mel Robbins: That one sentence and those three words, "I love you," has been a lightning rod. It's incredible. Every single day, listeners from around the world write in and they tell me, "I love it when you say that. You are the only person that says that to me in my life. I listen all the way to the end just to hear you tell me that, Mel." And there are those of you that freaking hate it, loathe it. You have a visceral kind of reaction when you hear me say it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, I am going to read some of the comments that listeners have sent to us about the fact that they hate it when I tell them I love you. For me, it's kind of mind-blowing that it's controversial to say "I love you" to somebody. It's just mind-blowing. I did not expect that response.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So today I want to address it. I'm going to tell you the story about why I end the show by telling you I love you, why I end every newsletter that I write with the words "I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life," why I end every YouTube video that I put up with those exact same words to you. And I'm also going to make the case as to why I mean it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: See, I think the issue is that you have love defined in a very narrow way. And when you define love in a very narrow way, you limit your ability to experience it and to express it. Today, I want to expand your definition of love. There's a simple reason why I want to do that: because if you are able to embrace a more expansive experience of love in your life, you will feel it more. In my opinion, that's why we're here. You and I are here on this planet, living this life, because we are meant to give and receive love. You are meant to experience it. It is all around you, just waiting for you to be open to how it shows up and to be open to giving it more freely.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I used to have a very, very narrow definition of love. I'm going to get into what that was and how it's evolved and how that's changed my life. But first, I want to tell you the story of how I even came to sign off the podcast, sign off my newsletters, and sign off my YouTube videos by saying, "And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you." Because I was inspired by somebody else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So in order to tell you the origin story of how I became inspired to tell you that I love you and that I believe in you, I have to take you all the way back to, gosh, 2013. I was at one of my very, very, very first ever speaking events. I mean, I was not getting paid. I was brand new to this whole motivational speaking world. I had been asked to come down and speak at this huge women's conference. One of the main keynote speakers was a woman that I had never seen before. I had never heard her name, but I'm going to tell you something: after hearing her speak, I was never the same again.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Her name is Linda Clyatt Wayman. She was giving a keynote address to about 12,000 women at the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Let me tell you a little bit about Linda. Linda is a former special education teacher who was teaching in Philadelphia. As she kind of grew through her career, she went from being a special education teacher up to working in the superintendent's office and being an assistant superintendent.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There was a school in the district called Strawberry Mansion, and it was considered one of the most dangerous, failing schools in the entire state of Pennsylvania. In fact, this school had gone through four principals in four years. Just wrap your brain around that. The school is so tough that a principal would come in, be there for a year, "I'm out." Next principal, "I'm out." Next principal, "I'm out." Next principal, "I'm out." Just think about the message that sends to the teachers and to the students in that school. Nobody would take the job. So Linda volunteered and she stepped in as principal.
--:-- Mel Robbins: She was telling the story about how she turned that school around and about her philosophy of leadership and her philosophy of hope. What she said is that the biggest thing that is missing for students who struggle with disadvantage is hope. Students, any students, even students at the most dangerous, failing schools, they are capable of achieving, they are capable of learning, and they are capable of greatness.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm here to tell you the same is true with adults. I don't care what the circumstances are of your life. I don't care what you're dealing with right now. You are capable of achieving. You are capable of learning. And you are capable of greatness. I hope that when you listen to this podcast, you are reminded of that fact because it is true.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As she's telling her story and talking about her philosophy of hope and of being the person that holds out the possibility and the potential that is inside you, her belief is something that you can borrow from. Her belief in you is something that she wants to communicate. So she's up here telling the story, and it's almost like listening to a sermon. You know when somebody speaks like that, and there's just a rhythm to their voice, and you're just like, "Yes, yes, we are capable of achieving. Absolutely everybody has potential inside them. Yes, yes, yes."
--:-- Mel Robbins: She goes on to talk about this ritual that she had of how she ended every single day. Now, mind you, this was like a decade ago. I don't know if schools have this anymore, but there was a PA system where you could make an announcement over the loudspeakers in every single classroom and in the hallways. She would end every day by picking up the microphone and using that microphone as her pulpit. This is what she would say at the end of every school day: "If nobody told you they loved you today, you remember I do, and I always will." And then she added, "And I expect to see you back here bright and early, dressed in your uniform, ready to learn." And she meant it. She meant it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: For her, love is the belief in you. Love is when you believe in somebody and you believe in their potential. Because she believes that everyone has potential, that's why she can say, "I love you." When she explained this—that she would stand in the principal's office with that microphone in her hand and tell each and every one of those students in the state's most dangerous and failing school, "If no one told you they loved you today, remember, I do, and I always will"—it was as if God was talking to me. Lightning struck. I had such a powerful epiphany as I listened to her because I thought to myself, *that* is what love is. I mean, what else would it be but truly seeing and believing in the potential of somebody else?
--:-- Mel Robbins: That love, by the way, made an incredible difference. She has now transformed three low-performing schools. In fact, one of her schools, before she stepped in and started sending this message of love to each and every person every day, ending the school day—before she stepped in, only 3% of the students were proficient in math. Only 9% of the students were proficient in reading. By the time she was done spreading this gospel of hope and of love and of potential and of belief in you, 94% of seniors were accepted to college.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So as you might imagine, everybody on the planet wanted to know her secret. "How did you do this? How did you turn around three dangerous schools and literally tap into the potential of all these children?" Here's what she said: "If someone asked me my real secret, I would have to say that I love my students and I believe in their possibilities unconditionally. When I look at them, I can only see what they can become."
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm telling you, that's powerful stuff right there. That is the secret. That's the secret, honestly, for every human being in terms of how do you connect more deeply, how do you unlock the potential in people. You have to love them. You have to believe in their possibilities unconditionally. You have to be able to look at somebody and say, "I get it. It's really hard. I see what miserable circumstances you're dealing with. And you want to know what? I can see what you can become. I can see the greatness inside you. I can see that you are bigger than this moment." That is what she's saying when she says, "I love you and I believe in you."
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what else she's doing? She's tapping into extraordinarily important research that you need to know. There is this study that was done by Harvard's National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. I think this goes way beyond just what children need. Here's the takeaway: every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. You hear that and you're like, "Well, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?" Why? Because if you have a coach, a pastor, a mentor, an older brother or sister, a person in your community, a caregiver, or a grandparent that believes in you, that is loving to you, and that sees the potential in you, that impacts you forever. And when you don't have that, that can impact you forever.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If I extrapolate that to the work environment, the research bears the same thing. The single biggest indicator that somebody is going to fail at a job or leave a job is the belief that nobody in a position of power at work believes in me. So why even bother? Each and every one of us comes alive when we feel loved and when we feel that somebody sees the possibility inside of us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hearing her story inspired me at such a deep level. It made me start to question: why are we so stingy with love? Why are we not telling more people in our life that we love them? I mean, it feels so good, doesn't it, when somebody tells you? Is it amazing when you're in a situation where somebody tells you that they believe in you, that they know you're going to get through something, that they give you hope when you start beating yourself up? Of course it feels amazing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You want to know the simple formula for experiencing anything in your life that you want to feel more of? Give it. Be more generous with it. When you start to give away the things that you really want, it comes back to you a hundredfold. That's what we're going to talk about today.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As I started to be more generous with the "I love you's" and the hugs and the "I believe in you's," I started telling my family. I told aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. Then I started incorporating it into my day-to-day life with people I'd never met before. I'm going to give you all kinds of examples. That, of course, led me—inspired by Linda—when I launched this podcast and I started writing my newsletter, to make sure that I ended each and every conversation by telling you, "In case nobody else tells you today, I wanted to be sure that I told you that I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life." And you better believe I mean it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So maybe we should talk about love. What is it anyway? Stop and think right now about your own life. Who are the people in your life that you love? Just take a minute and think about it. I'm sure you're kind of listing off family members, right? Maybe there's a friend or two. Maybe it's your partner or your roommates or some classmates. Maybe it's one of your pets. What if it were a whole lot bigger? What if that list could include anybody?
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you look at the dictionary, love is described as "a feeling of affection." But in my book, that's not what love is. I believe that love is something that's way bigger. It's something that you demonstrate to people when they matter to you. That's what I believe love is. I think it's a way of demonstrating to someone that they matter to you. Or as the Dalai Lama said, "Love can be defined as just a wish that others be happy."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what's so fascinating about love. If you, just for argument's sake, take on my definition—that love is simply making people know that they matter to you—that's an act of love. You've certainly been on the receiving end of it, haven't you? When somebody has gone out of their way and done something nice for you, or remembered your birthday, or picked up a little bit of slack at work, it feels good, doesn't it? It makes you feel like you matter. I think that's what we all want. In fact, I know that's what we all want. We all want to be seen for who we are. We want to be heard. And we want to feel like we matter.
--:-- Mel Robbins: To take this just a step further, there's a huge difference between love and liking someone. I think this is important because it is possible to love someone and not like them at the same time. In fact, sometimes I wonder if the reason why we all have families is to teach us how to love people that we don't really like. People can matter to you, and you can demonstrate that they matter to you by showing up, by making the phone call, by giving them a hug. You can do that at a moment in time where you don't really like them right now. I feel that way a lot with my family. I love them to the end of the earth, but there are moments where I just don't like them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The reason why this is really important is because I want you to expand your definition of love because it is all around you. If you start to think about it like, "Well, love is just demonstrating that you matter to me. That's all that love is. Demonstrating that you matter to me." And feeling love, that's what you feel when somebody else makes you feel like you matter. It's really, really simple. It has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with any attraction chemicals. This is about mattering.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This feels like a really good moment to hit pause because I do want to give some love to our sponsors. I do love our sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast because they allow me to bring you this show at zero cost. So let's give them a little bit of love. Listen to what they have to say. And when we return, we have a lot to cover. I have to get into what's so controversial about this. I also want to teach you the three science-backed, research-supported ways that you can start to bring more love into your life starting today. Stay with me.
--:-- [Musical break / Advertisement]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I love that you are still here, for real. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here for this conversation. I know this is going to be one of those episodes that you write to me about. You're like, "This was exactly what I needed to hear today, Mel. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh." I can't wait to hear how this new definition of love really starts to help you improve your life, because it will. This is what life is about, in my opinion.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's zoom out even more. This is another mistake that everybody makes. You think you have to like somebody in order to love them. No, you don't. No, you don't, because loving is something so much deeper. You also think it's only for people that you're related to or that you're dating. Not true. Not true at all. In fact, it's not even just for people that you know very well. I'm going to give you some examples.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know who I love? I love our UPS driver, Mike. Let me tell you why I love him. I live in Vermont, so I have his cell phone number. We text back and forth because, obviously, Vermont has lots of rural roads, and there'll be days where it's snowing and he can't get up our driveway. So what does Mike do? He texts me: "Hey, Mel, I couldn't get up the driveway. So I wrapped the package in a garbage bag and stuck it behind the birch tree. Just wanted to let you know it was there. And if you text me back within 30 minutes, I can pick it back up if you're not home. Thanks, Mike." What do I text back? "I love you, Mike. I love you, Mike."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Why do I love Mike? Well, it's not because we're family. It's not even because we're friends. It's because he matters to me. The thing that he did by texting me and putting that package behind that birch tree and letting me know—you know what that is? That's an act of love. He's making me feel like I matter. That right there is love.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And Paul—here's another person that I love. Paul is the person that does all the maintenance in the building where our new 143 Studios is in Boston. I freaking love this guy. He is always smiling. He has a can-do attitude. He always helps us out with all kinds of stuff. I don't know a lot about Paul, but I love Paul. I know he's divorced. I know he's got kids. And I know that he makes me feel like I matter. I hope, Paul, if you're listening, I hope that we operate in a way that makes you know how much we love you, because we appreciate all the things that you do for us just because you do them, because it makes us feel like we matter.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's another example of love: this podcast. Being here with you twice a week and everything that everybody on my team does in order to put this together—think of the topics, create the videos, edit this down. I'm sitting here with a bunch of colleagues. Why do we do this? It's an act of love. It is something that I do and I pour so much time and so much energy into it because I really hope, as you listen to this, you feel like you matter. You feel like I believe in the potential of your life, which is why I'm dragging these experts onto this show and making them break this stuff down. It's why I share not the best moments, but usually the worst moments, so that you know that you're not alone. Why? Because I want you to know that you matter no matter how hard things are, that you're not alone, and that I believe in your ability to face it and to make it a little better through the little changes and little actions. That's why I'm doing this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So why would I just hint? Why would I just put this out there and hope that you know it? Why not just tell you? That's why I'm doing it. Because I know the difference that it makes because I feel it in my own life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That brings me to the controversy. I never expected that this would be controversial. Never in a million years. The first time I heard anybody tell me about this idea, I literally felt like I was struck by divine lightning and that this was the meaning of life and that this was the smartest thing I had ever heard anybody say. I immediately wished that every single school on the planet ends every day this way, just so that every kid and every teacher gets to hear somebody say, "I love you and I believe in you." Because isn't that the greatest thing in the world to hear somebody say that?
--:-- Mel Robbins: When I just started doing it in my own life, nobody kind of tells you, "You don't love me" in person. But I'll tell you what: you end a podcast by saying, "I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life." Holy smokes. I did not expect the level of anger from some people around the world. I mean, it's kind of sad too. I'm going to unpack why I think it's kind of sad. And yes, I'm going to let them. I'm going to let them, and I'll let you be angry about it. I'm going to let you have your feelings about it. Because you want to know what another act of love is? Letting adults be adults. Letting adults have their emotions and letting adults do what they want to do. It also is an act of love for me to keep doing what I want to do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There are a lot of you that write in every single day from around the world and say, "Thank you. Thank you for all the encouragement, Mel. It's been a long time since anyone has made me feel seen, let alone heard. Your words of love and endearing sentiment make me cry." Just this morning, I got a note from a woman who wrote in to say that I am the only person in her entire adult life who has said those three words, "I love you and I believe in you" to her since she's been an adult. That breaks my heart. Nobody should go through life without hearing those words from somebody who means it. I just assumed that everybody would love hearing it because I love hearing it. But that hasn't been the case.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I've gotten a lot of people writing in. This one from John: "Mel doesn't even know I exist. I mean, it sounds bleak, but it isn't. It's just that she can't possibly. There are too many of us. Don't you need to know someone in order to be able to truly say such things like 'I believe in you' and 'I love you'?" I'm here to tell you: no, you do not need to know someone to truly know someone. Let's say that again. You do not need to know someone in order to truly know someone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Everyone—everyone, including you—has so much potential inside of them. Everyone, including you, has the ability to achieve incredible things. I truly believe that having one human being who believes in you ignites a level of hope that allows you to dream big, allows you to pull yourself up, and allows you to take that next step. So no, I don't need to have ever met you. I don't need to know you because I know that you being seen and you being heard and you feeling like somebody—somebody on this big old planet—believes that there is more to you than your job, your relationship status, your bank account, the number on the scale that you weigh, or all of the mistakes or all of the successes. There is somebody that knows that there is potential, heart, soul, and goodness inside of you. That's the part of you that I believe in. So no, I don't need to know you. And yes, I already do. Because you want the same things that I want. You want to be seen, you want to be heard, and you want to feel like you matter.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I even got a real doozy recently. You know how I often say I feel like the universe is always programming this. I swear to goodness, this came in this morning from our newsletter audience. More than a million people read our newsletter that I send out twice a week. This one is from Trish. She actually sent it this morning: "You say you love me and believe me. You don't know me. Who am I? Where I live? What I struggle with? Where I get joy from? Don't spout this crap at me. I know what's important in my life. I know what's real. I'm unsubscribed. I really don't need this. You may think I do from my response, but I assure you I don't." Okay. There were a lot of exclamation points. That's why I read it that way. And she did unsubscribe from the newsletter.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You want to know what? That's okay. Because love is not transactional. Whether she is a subscriber or not, I still love her. I still see the potential in her. I still believe in her. That's what I'm trying to get you to really, really open your arms to. It's not about somebody liking you. It's not about knowing somebody. It's about how you show up with an open heart and a giving spirit and seeing the best and the possibility in everybody else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what's interesting about this. I don't think your response tells me anything about whether or not you need love, because I think we all need it. But I have a suspicion about where the response comes from. So many of us grew up in households where love and that feeling like you mattered or that feeling of being seen was very transactional. Let me explain that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Have you ever had that experience, or remember a time when you were growing up, where you felt like you only got positive attention when one of your caregivers was in a good mood? Or you only felt like you mattered when you got good grades, or you performed well at school, or there was something that caregivers could brag about? That there was a tit for tat. This also works in the way that if your caregivers do something nice for you, that somehow you should bend over backwards. Because they've bought you something, now you need to show up a certain way. Your mattering was conditional. Somebody's affection or their attention toward you was conditional. You had to earn it. You couldn't count on it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I certainly am one of those people that really felt like, "Okay, I have to prove that I'm worthy of the love. I have to prove that I'm worthy of the accolade. I have to prove that I deserve to be told 'I love you' or I deserve to be told 'I did a good job.'" What if there was a universe that you could live in where you just mattered because you mattered? What if there was a way to move through your life where you were open to people believing in you, where it didn't come with strings attached?
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's the other thing. For so many people, love has been very painful because the people closest to you really hurt you. That's made you pull back and go, "I don't trust this and I can't count on it." So when I read a response that's like, "How dare you?" that to me points to somebody whose past experiences have made love very inconsistent and made somebody believe that it only comes in very limited supply, and you can't count on it, and only in certain conditions. That's the exact opposite of love. In my book, it's the exact opposite. Love is limitless. If you take on this definition—that it's simply making somebody feel like they matter—and if you had a childhood where you felt like you didn't, of course you would be suspicious or have a visceral response when somebody moves through the world and just believes that you do. What if it wasn't something that you earned?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to go back to one of the original things that I said to you. I think the whole purpose of life, the whole reason why we're here, is to experience this incredible feeling of love. To be present to it. To give it to other people. To receive this feeling of mattering. To tap into it, because it's all around you. It really, truly is. You think that it's maybe just reserved for a few people. I think it's for all of us. That's why I can say, "I love you and I believe in you." Because I really do see. I think there is limitless potential in you. I believe that you can create a better life for yourself. I believe that you do matter—not for anything that you did, but just because of who you are.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you feel that for real, you know what happens? Anything you freaking want. Because it's the most incredible fuel in the world to feel like somebody believes in you. For far too many of us, we need to borrow that belief from other people, which is why it's so important to be generous with it. Because if you think you're hard on yourself, everybody else that you know is just as hard on themselves. When you start to become more generous with making other people feel like they matter, it comes back to you. Oh, it's so amazing. You also start to crack other people open. The mask that we are behind, or as Brené Brown talks about, the armor that we've all got around us protecting ourselves—when you start to be more effusive and generous, all that stuff just comes down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I want to talk a little bit about how do you actually do this? What are some ways that you can bring more love into your day-to-day life?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm glad you asked. Because after a short word from our sponsors, who you know I love, I will be waiting for you. And I'm going to teach you the three research-backed ways you can be bringing and feeling more love into your day-to-day life starting today. Don't go anywhere.
--:-- [Transition to main content]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I love that you are here with me. I love this topic and I love what we're about to talk about, which is what research says about bringing more love into your life. And these are simple things that you can start doing right now, like as soon as you're done listening to this.
--:-- So let's talk about the first one. And the first way that you can do this is every single day, just do something on purpose to make someone else feel like they matter to you. That's it. That's all that this takes. I kid you not. You don't need to grab the microphone at your school system and tell everybody in the school system that you love them and believe in them. I mean, that would be a wonderful thing to do. But if you were to just do something on purpose, to make someone feel like they matter to you, that is enough.
--:-- I love this quote from Mother Teresa: "Spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."
--:-- So here's how you can do this. If someone pops into your mind, I'm going to wait. Like, just take a minute. Let's let someone that you love, you haven't talked to them in a while, you're expanding this definition. Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's a classmate. Maybe it's an old neighbor. Maybe it's a sister-in-law that got divorced from your brother. I don't know who it is. Maybe it's a former teacher. Maybe you love the person that taught your puppy classes because your dog is now housebroken and well-trained. Don't you love that person? Of course you love that person.
--:-- So here's what you're going to do. Now that you have a person in mind, I want you to go through your photos on your phone and find a photo of them or the past or your dog or whatever and text them the photo and just say, "I loved spending this day with you," or "I love this photo because it reminds me of you," or "I love this because it makes me think of your laugh and I miss you." That is it. That is it. It is literally that little that will bring the experience of love into your life.
--:-- And there are two pieces of research I want to pull into our conversation because most of you will listen to me and you won't do it. And I'm going to remind you, this is not just a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. You can listen to me all day, talk all the time about love, but you got to do something. And the research here is really, really cool.
--:-- So there is this incredible study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. And the lead investigator is a guy by the name of Dr. Robert Waldinger. And he says that the number one reason why people struggle in relationships and struggle to feel this deep connection that you matter is for the same reason you struggle in other areas of your life. You worry about whether or not you're doing it right. Like you literally think of somebody, your college roommate, you start to pull out photos and you're like, "Is that the right photo? Should I send that photo? I don't know. Is right now the right thing?" Or you think you have to do it a certain way. It's simply not true. There is no wrong way to do this. If you're simply reaching out to somebody to say, "I'm thinking about you. I love this about you." Boom. You cannot get that wrong.
--:-- And there's this other amazing study from the University of Chicago that basically says, even turning to a stranger and chatting up and having a conversation with a stranger creates this feeling like you matter.
--:-- And I'm going to do a brag right now. I'm freaking awesome at this. I am so awesome at this. In fact, just this morning, I was eating breakfast alone at a hotel and I was sitting, kind of like at the bar area, and I had ordered my breakfast and a guy came over to refill the coffee and we just started chatting. And I can tell you, he does not like living in Los Angeles. He grew up in Southern Illinois. He tried the Hollywood entertainment thing and discovered that he really likes intellectual property. He misses the four seasons. He wants to go to law school. He's been thinking about applying to law schools in New York, Boston, and Washington, D.C. He has just spent $1,800 for a prep class to take the LSAT. How do I know all these details? Because we started talking and I started asking him questions and we got into this deep conversation because I was just interested.
--:-- Now, how do you think he felt when he walked away from pouring that coffee? He felt like he mattered. And you want to know how I felt? I felt the love coming right on back. The big smile, the questions back.
--:-- And this study from the University of Chicago, it basically confirms what I'm telling you, that you underpredict how happy a random social interaction with a stranger will make you. Like turning to the person next to you on the bus, or chatting with the person behind you in the line at the grocery store. Just that can open up something that makes you feel like you matter a little bit, make somebody else shake out of this sense of social isolation or let them just walking through their life invisible. Somebody sees them, and that somebody is you.
--:-- And that study from the University of Chicago also says you completely overestimate the "mess" of talking to somebody else and you don't even think about how beneficial it is.
--:-- And here's simple ways that you can do it. So our FedEx driver — I guess I have something with the folks that drive delivery trucks — but you want to know what our FedEx driver does? I've never even met the person who drives the FedEx truck because I'm always upstairs in the office when the FedEx comes. But do you know what the FedEx driver does? He puts these two little dog bones on top of the packages. And that's even when our dogs aren't there. That's an act of love, making our family feel like we matter, noticing that we have that. That is love right there. And do not underestimate what a big deal that is.
--:-- Or maybe the bus driver. When the bus driver picks up the kids every morning, they got a funny hat on or a bow tie. Have you ever told them how much you love that about them? That level of intentionality, that is a sign of love. "You matter to me. That's why I'm dressing up. I want to make this fun. I'm putting the effort in." Why wouldn't you tell somebody that you love that about them? Not telling them that is some stingy ass stuff you're doing right there. Do not hold that in.
--:-- Or how about this? How many times have you been in the grocery store and you're standing there like, "Okay, where is the cilantro? It looks like everything else. Is that parsley? Is it cilantro?" And next to you is somebody working at the grocery store and they are meticulously stacking the zucchini to look like art. How hard is it to turn to that person and say, "I just love your attention to detail. Thank you for doing that. You make this look so nice." How do you think it makes that person feel? Absolutely unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable to feel the power of appreciation.
--:-- I talk about this a lot when I'm giving presentations to corporations and doing trainings. There's something called the Law of Reciprocity. Have you ever heard of this thing? The Law of Reciprocity. This is so good. This is so intertwined with love. This is why you need to express it more. You need to be more generous with it because you are missing out on one of the most incredible forces out there. The Law of Reciprocity: you do nice by me, I do nice by you.
--:-- And I'm going to give you an example. Have you ever walked into a mall or a building that has a double set of doors, so you got to open that first door and then you walk into the vestibule and then there's a second door? If you've ever had that experience and somebody gets to the door before you and they hold open that first door and you walk past them and through the vestibule, right into the second door, what do you do? You hold the door for them. You basically trip over yourself to get that door open for them. Why? Because by holding the door, they did something nice to you. They made you feel like you matter. And it is part of human nature, the Law of Reciprocity, to reciprocate. You can be the first domino. The more effusive and generous you are — "I love you. I love that you did that. Thank you for showing up. I love this about you. I love that day we spent together" — the Law of Reciprocity kicks in and you start to experience it back.
--:-- The second way that you can bring more love into your life, let's look at some of the research from the number one love researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Dr. John Gottman was asked, "What's the best thing to do to improve any relationship?" And you want to know what he said? Be a good listener. Be a good listener.
--:-- I already mentioned the Harvard Study of Adult Development, right? Which is one of the most important studies of all time about relationships. It's basically cited in probably every personal development book that you read. Do you want to know the most basic and important form of love based on this 70-year study at Harvard? Attention. Because when you give somebody your attention, you put the phone down or better yet, you put it away and you look somebody in the eyes and you listen. You're giving them attention, which makes them feel and know that they matter, which unlocks this experience of being loved by you.
--:-- A lot of us have had the experience of not feeling loved by your parents. Why? Because you didn't get their attention. You didn't feel visible. You didn't feel like you mattered, which is why you didn't feel loved and why you feel like this is some transactional thing that you have to earn. No, it's not. Not at all. When you give people your time and attention, you are making them feel like they matter.
--:-- And in fact, that brings me back to this podcast and to my newsletter and to YouTube. Every time you tune in, you are giving me your attention. And I do not take that lightly. You make me feel like I matter, which is why I say I love you. Thank you. I love that you give me your attention. I do not take that lightly, which is why I pour my heart and soul into trying to put something out that lifts you up and feels worthy of your time, because I want you to know that you matter to me.
--:-- And now let's talk about the third way that you can bring more love into your life. And I've been hitting at this sucker hard and I've been doing it. Tell them. Tell them. In fact, if there's somebody that you love and you don't want to say it, send them this episode. I'll tell them. If somebody sent you this episode, they want you to know they love you and that you matter to them and that they're sorry they don't say it more and that they're going to start saying it more and that they really just love you. They want you to know that.
--:-- And this is so important, especially in the moment of time that we're living in. I worry so much about how isolated so many of you are. I worry about those of you that write in and say I'm the only person that says this to you. I don't want that for you. I am happy that I am providing so much empowerment and inspiration and I want you to know that I do love you, but I want you to experience this more. And it is my request that one of the things that you do is you take this episode and you really apply what I'm saying.
--:-- And the next time you go to the grocery store or the next time you're sitting on the bus or the next time you're talking to your sister, you be the one to say it. Don't sit around waiting for somebody else to say it. You be the one to text that friend you haven't talked to and send them that photo and say, "You know, I just really loved that day and I just wanted to reach out and say, I'm kind of mad that we don't live near each other, but I love you anyway." I promise you, you start giving it out. It'll start coming back to you.
--:-- And I think this is especially important in families. There are some families that are like, "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you." And we're a little bit like that in our family. And then there are those families where you never say it.
--:-- I have a very, very good friend who is in his late 50s and his dad's health is declining. And just a couple weeks ago was the very first time, as his father was laying there in a hospital, that his dad said to him, "I love you and I'm so proud of you." And I'm going to tell you something. My friend had been waiting his entire life to hear those words.
--:-- And I think we make the mistake of assuming people know how we feel about them. And maybe you grew up in a family that doesn't hug, isn't that affectionate, doesn't say those three words. I'm here to tell you something. You're listening to this podcast for a reason, because you're the one that's supposed to break that cycle. You're the one that's supposed to break the dam.
--:-- My friend has been telling his dad that he loves him for as long as he can remember. And two weeks ago was the first time he heard it back. And it was so worth the wait. And something interesting happened. I was talking to him the other day and he just had to laugh. He's like, "I don't know what the hell happened." And maybe he said, every time I talk to him now, he's like, "I love you. I love you. I tell my wife, I love you." Because now he understands how good it feels. Now that his time is limited, he doesn't want to miss out on experiencing what that's like and what it brings into your life.
--:-- And so it's not just about waiting around to receive it. It's about giving it and giving it and giving it. And it is never too late to tell somebody that. Ever.
--:-- Okay. Just kind of letting that sit in for a minute. I'm thinking about all the people I love. I'm about to go see my husband, Chris, and we're going to go see our daughter, and then we're going to go back home, and I'm just thinking about all the people that I love in my life. And even though I've never met you, I am thinking about you. Whether you're in your car or you're walking your dog or you're folding your laundry or you're taking a walk or you're at the gym or you're watching me on YouTube, I wanted to be sure, in case nobody else tells you, to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to change your life and to feel and give and receive and experience more love in your life. And I really love the fact that every time you tune in, you absolutely make me feel like I matter and I love you.
--:-- Okay. Guys ready? I'm going to clean up my mess so we can start this episode fresh. Oh, wait. Is this the shit that I'm putting on my lashes and my eyebrows? I literally have eyebrows. I can't even... What the hell is going on here? Okay. Yep. Okay. Then we're going to keep on going. Gosh, now I'm burping. Hi, Andrea. That one's for you. It's been a while since I've had a repeat. I do not recommend the curry chicken on the corner store. It is not sitting well, everybody. Not sitting well at all.
--:-- Do you want me to try to do one take? Just so we have it. And it... Hold on a second. And it's and it's why I now hold on a second. I say, what have I just said? Or what were we just talking about? Sorry. And that's what I'm trying to do. You like this angle, Tracy? I can see you reacting. I'm like, I don't think she likes it. OK. Amazing. Amazing job, everybody. I love you.
--:-- Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
