6 Steps to Navigating Major Change Like a Pro (a Hilarious Guide to Back-to-School and College Drop-Off Season!)

**Mel Robbins Podcast Transcript**

**Mel Robbins:** Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today is a hot on the mic. What do we call this, Amy? Jump on the mic. Jump on the mic episode. Yeah, let's jump on the mic episode. I was downstairs talking with two colleagues and we were talking about, drum roll please. College drop off. It is the season of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, of dropping people off, helping people move into new jobs, move into school, start a new grade. I guarantee you, either you or somebody that you love is going through a major change right now. They are starting at university and you're about to drop them off. They're going into their senior year of high school. That's what's happening here in the Robbins household with our son Oakley. You've made a new sports team. Wow. And it's game on. Like you actually made the division one. Let's freaking go. Oh, no. Have you ever noticed that about changing? That you can be really excited about something. You can be excited about moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other. You can be excited about the new job. You can be excited about starting to finally date again after a divorce or a breakup. up, but you're also nervous. And so as we were starting to share stories around the island in the kitchen, there was so much meaty, amazing stuff happening. I'm like, everybody shut up. We're going upstairs. We're turning on the microphones and we're talking about this. And this is an episode and a conversation for you, whether or not you have kids. This is an episode and a conversation for you, whether or not you have anybody going back to school or every single one of us has a very difficult time dealing with change. And those moments of goodbye are so triggering. And we also get triggered by the people that we love who get triggered by change. And so let's just start with Lynn, who is sitting right here to my right. And she was the one who started this domino fall by saying that you just dropped off your daughter in college. Yes. And, you know, it's heart wrenching every time. I think it's just part of the process. I think it will be this way every year. And I just know that this is part of what's going to happen, right? This is the transition. Yes. Why is it heart wrenching for you? Seeing emotion from either of my children. I had this with my firstborn as well. dropping him off the first year. He thought he made the biggest mistake, chose the wrong school because he did not know a soul. And it's really scary to leave them in a state of, you know, kind of emotional distress. Yes. It is so hard. And I didn't do the right thing the first time around. What did you do? Let me just say. Let's hear the big mistakes. Okay. Lay it on us. Oh, everything went wrong because I was so sucked into the emotions that he was feeling that I was crying. I was upset. I was not strong for him at all. I wasn't encouraging him. I was wanting to take him home. You were in it with him. I was so in it with him. And I, yeah, and I think I learned that I am an empath. So I take on the emotions of other people. I mean, a dog trainer told me once that I was, you know, the weak link. So So it's true. I was then the weak link because anytime anybody else was suffering or upset, or I thought I was putting somebody into this uncomfortable place, I just fell apart and I had to save them. And I was robbing them of the opportunity to rise up and deal with change because we all have to learn how to do that. So as I went through this with my son and now with my daughter, although they're two different people, I know that the best thing to do for them is to encourage and to just remember and remind them of the skills they have to rise up, to be able to handle anything, you know, and it makes them stronger adults. So what did you do differently dropping off your daughter the last couple days that you screwed up with your son at that first drop off? Oh, yeah, that's clear. dropping off my daughter, even though she was still emotional and loves her school, like really excited to get back. But it's a new living situation, surrounded by new people. What I did differently is I don't show my emotion, even though she's emotional. I just, something just has to turn off in my brain and let her be emotional, understand that this is her transition. And I reminded her. Sounds like you're being a cold bitch. I am. I don't know. Literally like I'm flipping off the weak link with the dog trainer empath mode. Yeah. Yes. But you know, I will say this, if you don't mind, just to hit pause on that story, because that's what my mom did to me when I went for my year, quote unquote, abroad. I went to Hawaii for a semester and I was leaving. I will never forget this. I was getting on the plane by myself. How old are you? Like 18, 19 years old. Right. And I was so scared. I could almost feel like my voice trembling now. I can really get in touch with how afraid I was. And I remember I looked at my mom and I said, well, I can always come back if it doesn't work out right. You know, my mom, she said, no. She said, you can't come back. You better make this work out. Let me tell you, though. That's it. Are you kidding me? It is the best thing. It is the best thing. because if she had said, yeah, give me a call. If in five days it doesn't work out, give me a call. If your stomach is out of control with anxiety, give me a call. If you find yourself in the psychiatrist's office, all of which happened, right? If she would have said that I would have given her a call and I wouldn't have given it a go. Right. I would have kept looking back to my mom to see, is it time to go home yet? Can I be done now? This is so hard. And instead, I looked forward at all the new people I was going to meet, my roommates and all that stuff. And I was able to look forward and it was cold hearted. I have a story just like yours, Amy, where I would call my mother collect from a payphone every single day from the first floor of Russell Sage Dormitory at Dartmouth College, sobbing. I don't have any friends. And I was miserable. Right. But you do need that. You do. Dropping my daughter off the first year, she said, I made a mistake. Can I come home? And I said, no, definitely not. She said, what about after the first semester? And I said, no, definitely not. And she's, you know, I said, you have to make it go of it for a whole year. You have to give it your all. You've spent a whole year choosing this school and you won't know, you won't know until a year to, you know, to experience everything. And that's what she needed to hear. What are you thinking about now? I, I, I, I literally probably look like I'm going number two. I have such a stunned look on my face. I'm realizing I needed this conversation and I'll tell you why. Um, I hate feeling people in distress. And I remember when we dropped off our oldest Sawyer and she manages her discomfort around transitions by making lists and organizing. She was packed, color coordinated, had reached out to roommates to pick out the bedspreads. She had mason jars selected for all of the office supplies she would never use, all lined up. And I remember pulling into Boston College and she just froze. and we set up her room and she was completely disassociated. You could tell she had left her body. She was having an out-of-body experience. I remember this moment where she was sitting up on her bed and we of course had to buy the little stands that lift up the bed to put the dressers underneath it. And so she's sitting there, she looked like a little kid because her feet were dangling on top of this big bed that we had lifted up with the things from Bed Bath & Beyond and oh my God. And I said to her, are you OK? And she said, no, I think I made a mistake. I don't think I can do this. This doesn't feel right. And I said, well, why do you want to go do something instead of saying, no, we've moved you in. It's time to face it. And so we drove into Boston and we walked around the container store and a Target and we had the world's worst early dinner, trying to kill time, as you could tell that she just didn't want to go back. And it was a major mistake. And I remember we dropped off Kendall at USC. Again, I love what you just said about the fact if you spend a year picking this place, you have to give it a year. I think that's a good barometer for a job too. Yeah. Or for grade school. Like if you spent a year working up to this next grade, give it a year. Yes. I love that. And I remember how hard it was for Kendall to get into this program I talked about it on this podcast It was like winning American Idol and Division One recruiting to get into this pop music major program at USC It all she wanted to do This was her dream We got out there She was a blubbering mess sobbing like just clinging to you when you were saying goodbye And we like we got to go We actually flying out We got to go And then of course I get upset And I do think getting sucked into their nervousness, which is normal, is destabilizing for them when you're not strong through it. And one of the things that I wanted to share with you guys immediately is steal this. All three of us have one major takeaway from this. And it's that one of the things that you can say to somebody is, of course, you're upset. This is your process for going through change. You always do this. You always think and get so excited and then you get there and you don't like it. This shows me that you're mentally well. This shows me that you're going through your process. This makes me feel good that you're sad, even though you thought you'd be excited because this is what you always do before any major change that turns out great. And so you got to ride the wave because this is part of your process. Don't expect it to be exciting. And I think that's part of why these changes are so hard for people because you literally build them up like sophomore year, junior year, life after college is going to be freaking awesome. I'm moving to New York City. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. And then this thing that you've just built up in your mind is coming at you and you go, this doesn't feel like I thought it was going to feel. No. At all. And then you freak out. Why? Because it's new. That's why it doesn't feel like what you thought it would feel. What you think it's going to feel like in your mind is very different than how your body experiences it as it's happening. And I need this conversation and I realize it because one week from today, our daughter is moving back to Los Angeles to start life after college. and just yesterday I was saying goodbye to seven of her best friends from USC who had come from her birthday weekend and they were all getting teary-eyed because some are going in one direction others are going in the other direction and I remember that moment so well from my own life when everybody scatters and you go to yourself things are never going to be the same again because we're never going to be in the same place again at the same time living all together. And my life is moving forward, whether I want it to or not. And so Chris is flying out a week from today to help Kendall move into her first big girl apartment and start life. And Sawyer is leaving in 22 days for this trip she's been saving for for five years to go travel in Asia alone. And you know what she's doing right now? She's making lists. She's not buying mason jars because you can't take them in her backpack. But lists, you got to embrace the lists, everybody. Lists and lists and lists. Why? That's her process. Yes. And you want to know what else I know? What do you think is going to happen when she lands in the very first country that she arrives in on the trip she has dreamt about taking for a decade? Did she reach out to you? Oh, she made a mistake. Yes. Yeah. This happened with your daughter. Yeah, absolutely. When she took her gap year. Yeah, she took her gap year and she was in Spain. She was in Malaga. We all went over. Our whole family went there to drop her off. She was ready as could be. But when there comes that time when you say goodbye to the old and you're ready to face the new, right? You're in the terror barrier. You're like, I can't do this. What am I going to do? So and I felt like I was like Lynn about to get swept up because we dropped her off early in the morning. But it was it was a Sunday morning. So everybody was out partying the night before. And there were people, you know, still drunk in the on the streets of Malaga. and she walked us to our cab and we were just like, we're leaving her here. Yeah. You feel like the worst mom in the world, right? You feel like you're deserting your child. And she felt like, I can't do this, mom. I'm going to get emotional because here's why. Because I realized in that moment, I have to believe in her more than she believes in herself. and she has to borrow that from me or someone else. I mean, what a beautiful thing as a parent that we can say, yes, you can. Not in a mean way, not in a judgy way, not in a shamey way, but just like, yes, you can. You will triumph. Yes. You will look back at this and say, isn't that so funny? Yeah, no, that's amazing because it's true. They just need you to be confident, not sucked into the emotion and just be okay with the emotion like that. We're not okay when we see somebody upset. Right. That's hard. But, you know, on the other side of that, if you encourage, they are going to triumph. So they are. They are. In their own way. Yeah. And then they move up that ladder of life. Right. Like do four months in Spain. And then the next thing you know, like they're doing something else really awesome. I think this is a great time to take a quick pause. Well, because I'm still like jaw on the floor about what you said. And I want to I want to unpack that when we come back. So stay with us. Yeah, I got to get a Kleenex. And noodles at the door. We'll be right back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I'm here with my two friends and colleagues, Amy and Lynn. And we are all moms with kids that are college age and post-college age and high school seniors and high school freshmen. High school freshmen. And we are talking about what it's like to help somebody you love go through a major change. And of course, it's drop-off season. It's new job season. It's start life after college season. And you probably either have somebody in your household that is either going into a new grade or getting dropped off at a school or getting moved into their big person apartment for their big first job. And those moments of goodbye are so triggering because, well, first of all, I think we all agree we can't stand to see people that we love in pain. And for me personally and selfishly, I don't know about you two, but it always reminds me of those moments when I had to say goodbye to my parents. Mm hmm. Right. And it makes me re-experience that terror that you can feel when suddenly the people that you love walk out the door and there you are alone in your apartment or in your dorm room and you're in this new life. Or I even remember when I was in nursery school. I literally remember being in nursery school and my mom leaving. I remember that too. It was traumatic. Very traumatic. Yep. Yeah. Now, every young mom listening right now is like, we've just scarred her for life. Well, maybe we show them a better way to do it though. You know, like, I mean, if we, what if you could prep the kid and say, you know, like, you can do this. And I know that this is going to be hard, but use that bridge, right? Like when I see you again, you are going to have been to preschool for the first time. Isn't that exciting? That is a huge takeaway. So I want to make sure we take a highlighter and highlight it. Amy's sharing a technique that tons of psychologists and researchers talk about, which is creating a bridge between this moment and something in the future. And they always say that when you drop a little one off at a daycare or school, you build that bridge and like, I'm going to see you tonight. I'll be here to pick you up. You're going to have a great day playing with your friends and I'm going to come back and then we're going to do this. And the same thing, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. I'll see you in a couple months when I come visit. I'll see you in a week or so. And so creating a bridge is a wonderful way to provide that emotional stability. I also want to take a minute and highlight two things. Lynn was talking about this ability that she's created, right? When she dropped her daughter off this year to switch gears and to feel that pull like, oh my God, I'm going in, I'm going to the tidal wave and then flip into a mode of strength. And Amy, I keep thinking about what you said, which is the way that you show up in those moments allows the people that you love to borrow your belief in them. Yeah, I love that. That is so cool. Yeah. I mean, it's so important. I know I really needed that when I was little, and I don't know that I got it all the time. And I know when I did receive it, I did so much better. You know, I really was able to ground myself in the understanding that I could do it rather than panic about not being able to do it. So I think borrowing confidence from other people is is a life skill Because you not only managing other people through change you have to learn how to manage yourself through change right You have to learn how to manage yourself through even just the day-to-day stuff, all these little things and big things. How can I do this? And if you're overwhelmed, it's going to be a lot harder. But if you have even just a sliver of confidence, you know, even just like a little light through the crack of that disbelief that you have, there's a light of confidence like, well, I handled something like this before. I did freshman year, maybe sophomore year I could do, right? Like I did nursery school. First grade is going to be a little bit better maybe. If you can get that confidence somehow, either from somebody else or something that you've done in the past, I don't know, that's how I manage myself. And that's, I think, what I'm teaching my kids. I had never thought about it that way. Like that the role in that moment of drop off is to act in a way where you're exuding confidence in their ability. Yeah, you acknowledge this is going to be really hard. And you're right. Junior doesn't feel like sophomore year did. And you're not living with the same people. And, you know, the same people aren't on campus and people have graduated. So it's not going to be exactly the same, but it could be even better. And this is going to be hard. and I believe in you. And I believe when I see you again, you're going to be doing great. And I love you. Go get them. And then I'm going to turn around and pretend you actually feel all those things as you walk away, right? You got to walk away without sobbing and running back for that hug like I always do. Do not do that move. Yes, no, that's... Kiss of death. Yeah. Kiss of death. Well, I want to turn to you, Lynn. I don't mean to put you on the spot, But you're doing this for yourself because you left a job where you were for 10 years, very successful, and you are brand new to our team. And you're here in Vermont at the first offsite that we've had where you've been on the team. How are you coaching yourself through a big transition? Because, you know, we've been talking about being that confidence for someone else. How are you doing it for yourself? Because you don't even look slightly nervous. You know, I think I am because you always wonder, right, that little voice in your head that will say, am I the right person? Is this the right opportunity? But I just don't give myself permission to listen to that voice. I don't. I just know that I've been capable before of transition. I am not afraid of change, even though it's uncomfortable. I know I can do it. So I just keep telling myself that. And it's interesting you asked, because I mentioned to my daughter this morning, I'm going through all these things too. You know, even as upset as you are, I know this is going to be perfect. Like you loved last year, right? And I didn't even know if she would get emotional this year. I was kind of hoping I'd escape it. But, you know, I didn't. More practice for you, Lynn. Yeah. Yeah. But it's, you know, it's perfect because now I have something I can say to her that, you know, I'm going through all this too. I don't know if the team's going to like me or if I'm going to be the right person for this job, but I'm going for it. And I'm just telling myself that I know I can do it just the way you can, and you are going to thrive this year. And she feels so confident. I know just in the responses that I get from her, that that gives her that, that little boost of confidence that she doesn't quite yet have for herself. But over college transitions, job transitions, every transition, if we as the parents can do that for them to just, like you said, be that voice giving them that confidence that, you know, maybe they just need that little push. Eventually they'll do it for themselves, you know, and they won't need us. And then they'll be doing it for their kids. I think one of the reasons why I've always been so triggered in these goodbye moments is because I left home at 18 and I never moved back. Wow. I left Michigan to go to Dartmouth and it's not like drive home for a weekend. And so I would only see my parents on the big holidays. And then I stayed on the East Coast for jobs and for internships. relationships and so I think part of what I carry into these transitional moments like I am thanking God I'm not the one moving Kendall in because these stir up so much for me like am I ever going to see you again does this mean you're going to live in LA forever and I know intellectually I just want you to live wherever you are happy as much as I want you to be my next door neighbor which I would love and I'd love to be in a business with my kids I'd love to see them every day I can't lay that on them. And so it brings up so much for me when Sawyer goes and travels in the back of my mind, it will be, oh God, are you going to meet somebody as you're traveling? Are you going to live in Asia? Are you going to be so far away? Because I miss my parents terribly. Like one of the things that I hate the most about having raised our kids in Boston is that my parents weren't around because they're still in Michigan. And so I think that's also part of what makes it so difficult for me. And I love what you two are sharing because it's given me a new way, other than shove down the trauma, don't, don't, don't let your shit get on their shit. It's given me a different way to think about it. That you, as a friend, as a family member, as a parent, as a partner, you have the ability to display confidence on someone's behalf. Yes. And that allows them to borrow it. Now, I always then sob in the car. That's a good one. Or in the airplane seat. Right. Or whatever. Power mom move. Yeah. Yeah. But that was really helpful. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So how would you then deal with that, if you had to take Chris's place and move Kendall in, do you think you'd be able to do something different? Or you think that it would be hard or, because I'm sure there are a lot of people that are feeling like, how actually does this look? How could I, how could I jump into that role? It's a great question. And I'm going to hit pause. We're going to hear a word from our sponsors. Great. And that'll give me time to stall and think about a really good answer when we come back. Awesome. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with my friends and colleagues, Lynn and Amy, and we are talking about just going through these seasons of change. It's a huge drop-off, back-to-school, new job kind of season as we're recording this right now, but this is a topic that is pertinent any moment in your life. And I didn't realize how deep this was going to go. Because I thought we were just going to talk about tips for college drop off. Yeah. Or back to school anxiety. And now I'm like, I never went home after I went to college, stirring up all this shit about not living close to my parents and I mess up. And you just asked me, would I handle it differently? First, I have a confession. I secretly hope Kendall doesn't end up in LA. And I notice I'm a bit of an asshole. Anytime she does any kind of griping about the LA scene, I'm like, yeah, you know, you really are just like an East Coast person. And I realized that I am doing this because I desperately want her to move back to the East Coast. You're allowed to do that. And she was saying that, you know, when her friends said goodbye this weekend, they were here for her birthday and a bunch of them were moving to New York, she got really sad and was like, I wish I was going to be in New York with all of them. And I'm like, eventually you will. You could live in LA for a year and then, you know, move back. So I'm being an asshole because I'm starting to plant that stuff. So I got to stop doing that. I could absolutely have a ball moving her in. I would get very teary when I said goodbye. Yeah. And I think part of it is because instead of holding the confidence that this is going to be one of the best years of your life and you're about to do the thing that you've been wanting to do forever. And I can't wait to see what you produce this year in terms of your music career. I think about like all the shit that impacts me. God, I'm getting older. Wow. These kids are, you know, sprouting their wings. Yeah. Wow. Like time's flying. I start going there and get very self-reflective and I'm going to use what we've talked about today to stay in the space because I have a choice. I don't have to torture myself. I don't have to make everything so deep. That's what Kendall always says to me. Not everything's that deep, mom. You know, just because you're moving me into an apartment doesn't mean you need to get that deep. Yeah. You could just stand in confidence and go, go get them. Good luck paying your bills because this is it. This is the moment we've been waiting for. And I think what you both have said, flip the switch, know your role in that moment. Yeah. Don't let it get too deep. Be confident about what's about to happen for them and exude it so that they can borrow it from you Yes That fucking helps me Thank you Does anything else come up for you guys in terms of those moments And then I going to share one story quickly that is super important that I think everyone will get a lot of value out of. Yeah, I just think that, you know, what you just said is great. And like, you might get emotional, but that's okay. You can get emotional with them and tell them you've got this, like this is what you want and really ask them questions because maybe she does want to go to New York, But maybe she doesn't. Right. And so she does. She talks about she does want to go. Come on, come on. But I think, you know, it's like we that would be music to your ears if she wanted to change her mind. But you don't want her to give up on her dream either. So it's like really being the voice to ask those probing questions, even when we might want something, you know, and it's really up to us to say, what would your path look like? and just make sure that they are making the decision not to please us because I could get really comfortable with that. Like I could totally lead that. You're okay with causing that much guilt for people, right? I could, I could. But would I be serving my kids and their futures? No, I wouldn't. So yeah. You know what else this makes me think of is those phone calls I got from our daughters when they were first at school, sitting alone, crying. And I'll tell you what really helped is this idea of narrowing their focus. Acknowledge that it's hard. Say you're not the only one, but you gotta narrow their focus. Let me tell you what I mean by that. My friend Carrie Lorenz, who's the first female F-14 fighter pilot, wrote a book called Span of Control. And in an emergency situation, there are only three dials that matter in a fighter jet. That's it. And you gotta narrow your focus so that you can gain control. Where if you're like overwhelmed by something, it's super important that you narrow your focus. And so if you are going to get that teary phone call, I don't think I can do this. Somebody is crying from the bathroom stall at a new job or, you know, after a big sports practice at a new team that one of your kids has made, they're like really upset. Narrow their focus. What can you do in the next hour? What's one thing that you could do? What could you focus on? Because part of what happens, I think, in these moments of change, whether you're at a new job or you're sitting in your dorm room alone, is you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm in a new neighborhood. What do I do? I feel like a dork. I feel like the only one. I don't know anybody at work. I don't know what people are talking about. You have to get out of your office. You have to get out of your cubicle. You have to get out of your room. And you have to force yourself to start walking around and talking to people. That'll make you feel better. It's the same thing when we moved here. Like, I wasn't going to meet anybody if I sat in my house and cried. I had to get to the coffee shop. I had to push myself out of that freeze mode and through my discomfort and keep reminding myself, Mel, this feeling is normal. You're going through a big change. It's going to pass, but bitch, you got to do something about it. Like you want friends, you get your butt out there. And the same is true with you. And the same is true with the people you love. Another thing that's really helpful is that if somebody is overwhelmed by going through change, a lot of times the response to it is to freeze. As you've been learning in a lot of episodes, freezing and procrastinating is a kind of anxiety or even a trauma response to something very overwhelming. And change is always overwhelming. It's just part of the duality of it. We were learning this today is coach the people in your life to put some things in their calendar. Take a look at what's going on this week. What could you plan to do? Who could you reach out to at, you know, that you've met in the DMs and set up a lunch? Who could you ask to go to the cafeteria with you? Those sort of breadcrumbing of dates with people or things to do or sign up for this event so that when you look at your calendar, you see forward motion. I got a call from a gal that I consider to be like one of my daughters, you know who you are. And she had pulled over on the side of a road and was calling me because she was having a panic attack. And I asked her, okay, well, tell me, first of all, tell me, what do you see around you? So I use that grounding technique where you go, tell me one thing that you can see. Tell me, you know, something that you can hear right now. And then we started breathing together and I told her to put her hand on her heart. And so we like helped her drop into the moment and really ground into her body. And the dogs are barking right now. It's okay. We're going to just keep on rolling because this is one of those hot on the mic kind of episodes. And we started talking and she was explaining all the stuff that was going on. She had just graduated. The job that she was starting had been delayed. The family has just moved. Mom has a big job. Her grandfather's sick. And what I said to her was this. I said, you know, the fact that you're upset and kind of panicking right now tells me that you're mentally healthy. Because anybody going through this level of change and that much transition, you should feel completely turned around. And so the fact that this is bothering you tells me you're well. Yeah. And I also want to remind you that it's temporary. And the most important thing that you could do is to remind yourself this is temporary. the fact that I'm bothered by all of this change and I'm upset about it and I feel out of sorts is a sign that I'm doing well because I should feel out of sorts. I'm in a new environment. There's a lot of change going on. And the same is true when you move back to school or you start a new