--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited you're here with me because once a year, I go through the process of auditing the last 12 months. It is the most powerful thing ever. And today, you and I are going to do this together.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, this is a process my husband and I have done every year for the past 20 years. We now do it with our kids. Now that they're young adults, you're going to love this because here's the truth. There are seven questions that you need to answer that are going to unlock all of the wisdom and lessons and amazing things that have happened to you in the last 12 months, all of which you've probably forgotten.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You need to do an audit because the single biggest mistake that everybody makes at this moment, when they go and think about next year, is they jump right into thinking about what they want. And you miss the biggest opportunity in the world, which is to actually figure out where you are. What are the lessons you've learned? What is it that you truly want?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to tell you something, these seven questions, they're going to unlock it. They're going to teach you all the lessons and all the wisdom and all the things that you need to know to create the plan to make next year one of the best years of your life. So, are you ready to audit the last 12 months with me? Of course you are. Let's do this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am thrilled that you picked this particular episode to listen to because you and I are about to do a process that I call the yearly audit. It is something that my husband and I have done for 20 years. We now do it with our kids. It is a game changer.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I first talked about this a year ago on the podcast. More than a million of you did an annual audit. You loved it. You loved how empowered you feel. We are going to do it again. And if you're brand new and this is the first episode that you've ever listened to on the Mel Robbins Podcast, let me tell you something. You have picked a winner. I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I love that you're here for this because you know what this tells me? It tells me you're the kind of person that not only values your time, but you want to make next year one of the best years of your life. And what we're going to do today is I'm going to walk you through seven questions that will help you audit the last 12 months of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the things that I've noticed over the years is that everybody makes the same mistake. Whether they're making New Year's resolutions or they're setting goals for the next year or they're doing business planning, we're so obsessed with looking ahead and manifesting and setting goals and wiping the slate clean that we jump over one of the most powerful and important and critical parts of planning. And what is that thing that is critical? It's understanding where you are right now.
--:-- Mel Robbins: See, if you just simply look ahead, you're going to be like, "Oh, I want to do this and I want to do that. I want to do the other thing." But you're missing all the wisdom from the last 12 months. In fact, I guarantee you, because I'm going to prove it to you when I ask you these seven questions, you don't even remember 95% of the things that happened in the last 12 months. Me either.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This process is going to help you review what happened and all the experiences, the highs, the lows, the lessons, the wins, the losses. And we're going to pull it all together and you're going to go, "Oh my gosh. Wow." And from that place, you're going to be able to create a set of directions for how you make your next year the single best year of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is important because it's personal. It's personal what's going to make your next year one of the best years of your life. And I'm not going to allow you to make that mistake of not taking a beat and tapping the brakes and spending the time digging into what your own life has to teach you about what will make for the best year of your life. Because you don't know right now. In fact, you don't even know where you are because you're not present to everything that's happened to you in the past 12 months.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's important to know where you are. I always think about planning and goal setting in this time of year like creating a set of directions. Have you ever had the experience where you're trying to find a friend's house? Maybe you've never been there before and you're a little lost. So you call your friend and you're like, "I know I'm close, but how do I get to your house? Can you help me get there?" What's the first thing they ask you? "Can you tell me where you are?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: The reason why somebody asks you, "Where are you?" is because mathematically speaking, it's impossible to give somebody directions unless we know two things: where are you and where do you want to go? I'm going to walk you through this process that helps you understand exactly where you are. Because when you're really present to everything you've learned and experienced these last 12 months of your life, you not only know exactly who you are and where you are, you're going to be very clear about what you want and what you don't want.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I know things are a little crazy right now. I know there's a lot of you that feel uncertain based on where you may be living in the world. I know that there's a lot in the news that can feel a little overwhelming. But I'm going to remind you over and over and over again, when you focus on yourself and when you focus on your actions and when you focus on your own life, what's within your control, your life is going to get better. You will feel more in control and you will start to feel yourself truly moving your life and your career and your relationships in the right direction. That's exactly what we're going to be doing today.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Before we jump into this, I just want to tell you a little bit about how this is going to roll. If you're listening to me as you're walking right now or you're driving a car, you're not going to be able to write anything down and that's okay. All I want you to do is just listen and think about your answers to these seven questions. Once you listen through this process, you're going to want to come back with a piece of paper or perhaps your laptop. And you're definitely going to want to come back and have your camera roll with you on your phone. You're going to understand why in a minute.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As you're listening, you might go, "Oh, I want to do this with my spouse" or "I want to do this with my family." That means you can listen through the whole thing and then share it with everybody and then come back and do it as a group. I want you to go through this process and actually get your answers to these seven questions down on paper or in your computer. Why? Because to me, if you just keep them trapped in your mind, they're not real. I need you to pull this wisdom and clarity out of your brain and put them either in your computer or in your notes app or on a piece of paper in the real world.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You're also going to need your phone. The reason why you're going to need your phone is because you have a camera roll on your phone and we're going to be using your calendar and all of the photos from the last year to jog your memory. Having done this for 20 years in a row, I can tell you with 100% certainty, you have forgotten 95% of what's happened this year.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Are you ready? Good. So am I. I'm so excited. So let's just jump in with question number one.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Describe the highlights from the past year of your life. What were the highlights? Now, if you stop and think, you're like, "Okay, what were the highlights?" You don't remember them all. This is where your camera roll comes in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if I take out my camera roll and I'm going to do it right now, I have resisted the urge to look through my camera roll because I wanted to actually do this with you. I'm going to put into my search right now. Let's see. Let's go to January. Oh my gosh. Like already. Wow.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I started the year visiting my daughter in California. I completely— Oh, there I am with my best friend from elementary school, Jody. There's a photo of us. We're in Santa Monica. I completely forgot about that. Oh, whoa, there's Jamie Curran Lima. I'm visiting my pal. Oh my gosh, Oakley was still in high school and there he is at a ski race. Completely forgot that ski season was a year ago and I actually made it to a couple of them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, there I am. I'm getting my hair dyed. Oh, I went out to dinner with friends. Oh, there's my friend's new puppy. There's a lot that I forgot. I forgot that my friend got a new puppy named Honey. She's now like the size of a horse. I completely forgot that that happened this year. And this is just January.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, I forgot about this. Here's another one. I did a yoga class with flamingos walking around. I mean, talk about a crazy experience. There was this one particular moment where I was standing up and you're supposed to be all still. And honest to God, a flamingo came up and put his beak over my shoulder. I mean, that was crazy. I completely forgot about that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And guys, I am only on January 15th. And look at how much I forgot about already. And you want to know what this shows me? It shows me that time with family matters. Do you see how excited I got as I was talking about these celebrations and these memories? And you want to know what else that shows me? It shows me how excited I got about all the new things that I did, like the flamingo yoga thing. That was one class that lasted 50 minutes. And it's still something that when I see the photos, it brings me a lot of joy. That's pretty cool.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to really embrace what I'm saying. Now what I'm going to do is I'm going to go to my camera roll and I'm just going to put in this year. 7,000 photos. Actually, there's 6,927 photos when I put in 2024. As I scroll through this and I start to jog my memory of all of the things that happened this year, what becomes so apparent—and you're going to absolutely love doing this ritual every year, of taking an audit, which is really the process of taking your life in, allowing yourself to relive it week by week, month by month, photo by photo—you're going to see just all the ups and downs and the places that you went and the people that you saw.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You might see that you didn't go anywhere. That in and of itself is a really important piece of data. Maybe your life is too same old, same old and that's part of the reason why you feel stuck. And it's going to be staring back at you in your photos. Maybe you're going to pull out your camera roll and realize you only have 100 photos for the whole year, which probably means you haven't been that present.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the things that's really cool about doing this podcast is the number of people that I get to meet. And my life wasn't like that two years ago. My life, I felt very isolated in my work. I felt like I was constantly traveling. I felt like I wasn't learning as much as I wanted to learn. And when I did my audit with Chris two years ago, I'm like, "I need to change this."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Holy cow, I'm seeing another highlight. Our daughter Kendall played at Carnegie Hall. And here she is with her buddy, Phil Cook, who accompanied her at this big folk music thing. Just this week, she was down in Durham doing sessions with Phil and a bunch of his musician friends in Durham based on the relationship that they created in January. It just kind of opens up possibility for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What you're going to notice—again, the question is what are the highlights? And I'm seeing a lot of highlights. What happens is it reminds you of what brings you joy. And if you don't see a lot of highlights, that's okay. That's okay because that's data and it's something you can change. There have been plenty of years over the 20 years that Chris and I have gone through this audit where I've said, "This has been all work, no play. I don't see any friends here. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't see my family as much. I'm not smiling in photos. I've got to change something."
--:-- Mel Robbins: But I just really wanted to give you a sense of what it feels like to sit down and give yourself this gift of just spending time with yourself and the life that you've lived this last year. So what were the highlights? Well, there were an awful lot of photos about the process of writing the "Let Them Theory" book. I have been head down on that puppy for the entire year. So a huge highlight is that I actually got that thing done. Two days ago it was published. The cover is sensational. The content is incredible. And more importantly, all those late nights, all of the times I broke down crying, all of the photos of me where I look bloated and my mascara is running and I'm exhausted and the gray hairs are coming in and I've been living in the same pair of sweatpants for three days—all of that hard work paid off.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another huge highlight: our family climbed Mount Katahdin, which is the mountain that is the end of the Appalachian Trail. It was an extraordinary experience. So that just kind of gives you a sense of what does it sound like and what are the highlights.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to give you one other highlight. On my phone, there were a tremendous number of flowers that I stopped and took photos of. A highlight for me is that I had, for the first time in my life, planted a cutting garden. That basically means I had taken the time to plant a ton of tulip bulbs last spring, and this year they bloomed. There were so many photos. I'm literally obsessed with flowers.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What does that tell me? The reason why highlights are important is the things that make you smile, the things that make you look back with fondness. It's not just the accomplishments. It's the things that make your heart warm. That's important data because you want more of that in your life. If you look at the last 12 months and you can see the things that made you smile or made you happy or that brought you more peace, then you're going to want to bring more of that to your life in the next 12 months.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's an example of how you use your own life as data to help you create a set of directions to what living the best life for you in the next year looks like. And that's personal to you. You may be listening to me going, "Flowers? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Well, then that means it shouldn't be part of your set of directions. But don't you think it'd be stupid if I don't include it as part of mine? Of course it would be. And that's why we're doing this audit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That brings me to the second question that you're going to ask yourself. And you're going to be able to answer this very quickly because you're going to have just scrolled through all of your photos and through your calendar. That second question is: what were some of the hardest parts this year?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Last year, the hardest parts for me is that I was in full-blown menopause. I felt like I was a Twinkie on two legs. My waist was gone, my pants didn't fit. I had like a fanny pack around my front, only it wasn't a fanny pack. It was actually my stomach filling out my pants. And I just felt completely disempowered.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other low point, other than my health—and this is also part of my health—I spent way too much time working. When I looked at the low points of 2023, oh my God, I didn't see my friends at all. Every single photo was work. I didn't spend a lot of time with my parents, with my family. There weren't a lot of celebrations and it was depressing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you ask yourself, "What were the hardest parts of your year?" it's okay that it makes you sad. It's okay to feel the feelings. For me, one of the things that made me really sad is becoming an empty nester. I don't even like that term. I prefer the term "bird launcher" because the fact is once they fly away, they tend to fly back and they need more money and they have problems they need help with. And I love that. It's a sign that they need you and that they trust you. But it is kind of sad. It's sad to not have the energy in the house. It's sad to not have all the kids coming over after school and to have to be kind of quiet.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another really hard part: my dad had to have surgery. Very unexpected. It went well—I know you're going to ask, so I'm just going to tell you it went really well—but the recovery is kind of a long road. He can't do a lot of the things that bring him joy. So he's grumpy. My mom's kind of grumpy about it. It's not the easiest thing to see your parents getting a little bit older. So that was a really hard part.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another hard part, not going to lie to you, right in the "Let Them Theory." It is a very difficult thing to take on a project that size. It chewed up most of my weekends, a lot of late nights. It was a lot of hard work. So as much as it was a high, it was also kind of a low in terms of just the hard part. I'm pointing that out because there are things in your life that are going to make you really proud and are going to be really big accomplishments and they're also very hard. That's okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Just because something is successful doesn't mean it wasn't a low point. Just because something was amazing in the end doesn't mean it wasn't a project that sucked you dry. It made both lists for me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other thing that was very difficult for me is our daughter Sawyer went through the most painful and devastating breakup of her life. She was profoundly depressed and heartbroken. It is extremely difficult to watch somebody that you love process something like that because you can't fix it for them. The hardest thing about grief and heartbreak is you've got to go through it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It was also very hard to watch our son Oak apply to a bunch of colleges and just get no, no, no from the three top schools he was interested in. Again, you can't fix it. It's a really important thing in life to not get what you want, honestly, because it makes you realize what's worth working for. It makes you realize what's important. Makes you realize nothing's guaranteed.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Kendall had a very hard year too at points where she was just very down on herself and questioning whether or not being in the music industry was something she was ever going to be successful at. Yet again, do you see the lesson life is teaching me? That I can't rescue someone from their challenges.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, when you try to—and this is what I learned, and it was kind of a gift now that I think about it—because as all this was going on, I'm writing the "Let Them Theory." It led to an entire section about how when people in your life are struggling, you have to let them because they're capable of facing these challenges in life. When you try to rescue people from the natural consequences of life and their decisions, and when you try to rescue people from what life is trying to teach you, they tend to drown.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So it was very hard for me to go, "Okay, let them." And let me just focus on providing the support and believing in their ability to face this and to get through it. You know what? It works. The people in your life are a lot stronger than you believe. So you've got to let them and trust that they are capable with your support of figuring it out and meeting these moments in life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm sharing all this with you because what's going to be on your list is personal. And what it teaches you is personal, but it's also powerful. It's so powerful. I can't wait to hear what you find when you look back and you ask these questions. This is so cool, isn't it? I love this. I'm so glad I get to share this process with you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's take a quick pause so that we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. I also want to give you a chance to share this with people that you love. For the past 20 years, I've been doing this with Chris, but we now do this with our kids. This is the coolest thing to do with your family and with your friends and with your significant other, because you not only learn about one another, but you kind of remind each other of the things that have happened over the last 12 years. It really brings you together. I just love that for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Share this with people that you love and don't you dare go anywhere because we've got more questions that I need to ask you. We've got more to do in this audit. We're just getting started. Oh my God, I love this and I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. Today, you and I are going through this process that I do every single year. It's where you take an audit of the last year of your life and you use all of the wisdom and the lessons and the things that you learned from the last 12 months and you use it to create a very personal and profound and powerful set of directions that are going to lead you to the best year of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That brings me to the third question. What did you learn about yourself this year? Like for real. I want you to really look at both the highs and the lows. The things that you accomplished and the things that you didn't. I want you to look at what made you super happy and brought you a lot of joy. And I want you to think about the things that were really challenging or broke your heart or that made you scared. Because regardless of whether it felt good or bad, I guarantee you, it taught you something. I guarantee you, you learned something about yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When I look at my answers from last year, they were very kind of pragmatic. I was like, "Okay, I learned that the way I've been going about my health now that I'm in menopause, it's not going to work, Mel. You can't just run this off. You can't just starve it off. You're going to have to do something different because doing what you've always done is now not working, woman. So you've got to wake up and accept the facts."
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other thing that I wrote last year is, "Mel, you've got to stop managing other people's emotional breakdowns." I was always a fixer. I was the first person to rescue people. I was the first person to throw money at it. I made it my job to make everybody happy. I'm the big reassurer. And that insight, that's what helped me this past year to show up totally differently when the people in my life were struggling.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Instead of jumping in and saying, "Oh, it's going to be okay," I would just take a step back and be like, "Let them be heartbroken. Let them be scared that they're not going to make it. Let them feel like a loser, that they've been rejected not once, not twice, but a third time. Let them." And trust in their ability to really meet this moment and learn from it and ask for the help that they need. What ended up happening is by stepping back, it created the space for especially my adult kids to step forward and grow and learn and strengthen themselves. That was a really cool thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But let me tell you when I do the audit and I think about this past year and these past 12 months and I look at the photos, oh my God. So you're ready for the lessons? Okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I learned that I've gotten to a point where I no longer can take the business that I've built to the next level. I have tapped out of my capacity to truly run operations. I'm terrible at it at this point. I was good for a certain point, but now I just have to be honest with myself and realize that I can't do the job that I've been doing anymore. And I can do it well? No. That's a really important thing to be able to admit to yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe you're not a great parent when they're teenagers. That's okay. Maybe you're not great at all at Excel spreadsheets, but you're pretending to be. That's okay. Just knowing that is critical. Because when you accept the facts about your own limitations or your own interests or your own strengths or weaknesses, now you can pivot instead of beating yourself up, instead of continuing to slog forward.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe you've learned that you're kind of selfish. Maybe you've learned that you need more out of your partner and you're not that needy—you're with somebody who is actually selfish and not that nice to you. What you learn about yourself is incredibly important because I truly believe that anywhere in your life where you're feeling friction—and that's what I felt a lot at work, this friction and this tension between the role I was playing when I sit here and I talk to you on the podcast and the role I have to play when it comes to building the team and managing the teams and looking at the P&Ls and running the revenue and figuring out the operations and worrying about the lease—oh my God, I just want to throw up when I think about this stuff. I'm horrible at it. It makes me feel this friction.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Any area of your life this year where you have felt friction or frustration, you're in the wrong role. You're in the wrong seat on the bus, whether that's in your marriage, whether it's you as a parent, whether it's how you relate to your roommates, whether it's the job you're doing in your company. There is something about the fit that's not fitting anymore. Having that insight that I don't fit in the spot I'm playing anymore—that is liberating. Because then you realize it's not you, it's a process or it's a role, or it's the fact that something has grown beyond your skillset. It doesn't mean you're a loser.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you know how much courage it takes to go, "I don't want to run operations anymore. I really have to focus on what I can do"? Or, "You know what? I've been pretty selfish in this family. And it's because I feel like my needs aren't being met. So I'm fighting against everybody and I need to change that."
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I learned that I was in the wrong seat on the bus. That's why there was a lot of friction and frustration in my work. That insight is helping me to go, "Okay, well then what is the right seat? And who do I need to surround myself with and what changes do I need to make?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another thing I learned about myself: I want more time with my family, especially my parents. I made that a priority this year and I still did not see them enough. Do you see how looking backwards helps you create specific directions that will help you go forward? That's why this audit is so critical to you creating a plan that makes this next year the best year of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other thing that I saw is that I am one of these people that I grocery shop when I'm hungry. I grocery shop when I'm hungry everywhere in my life. And what does that mean?
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you go to the grocery store and you're hungry, you buy all kinds of stuff you don't need. One of the problems with allowing yourself to stay in the wrong role at work or in the wrong role in your relationship—because you can be in a marriage and feel like you're playing the wrong role right now, because you're doing too much or you're not feeling supported or you're parenting your partner—one of the problems with that is you start to get very emotional and then you overcomplicate and you overreact.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And just like when you're really hungry at a grocery store, you overbuy everything. So I can see that I often get myself in a state where I get so agitated about things that I overcomplicate and I overreact, and I'm tired of doing that. That's something that I learned about myself this year: it is critical that I weed out any area where there's friction or frustration, and I stay laser focused on the one or two things that I do well, and laser focused on making sure that I protect my peace so that I don't take it out on the people around me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Keep in mind that as you go through these questions, you're probably going to keep going back and being like, "Oh yeah, that was a low. Oh yeah, that was a high. Oh yeah, I did learn this thing about myself." That's why I just love this audit process, because you're really cool and you're multidimensional and you're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. You've learned a lot about yourself and you're much wiser than you realize.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We fall into this trap of just getting through the day-to-day and staying on the surface. When you really hit the brakes and give yourself time to take a look back and consider how you feel and how things impacted you, I think you're going to be shocked at what you actually know to be true about yourself. Once you have all that on paper or in your notes app or in your computer, it's real. It's a reminder that you do know who you are, you do know what you want, you do know what makes you happy. You're not stuck. You're not lost. You may be overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean you can't figure out where you are right now and create directions to move and inch yourself forward in ways that really make you happier and more fulfilled.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I can already feel how much better next year is going to be. There's so much more I want to share with you, but I got to hit the pause button so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors and so that you can share this with people in your life who should be doing the yearly audit too. Don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me.
--:-- [Short break for sponsors]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins, and I'm loving doing this audit process with you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing this with the people that you love. Let's just jump right back into it, because now you know where you are. Now you're in the present moment. Now you have the last 12 months front and center on the paper, in your photo roll, in your cells. You're feeling it. It's a part of you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now I can ask you: what are you going to stop doing in the coming year? This question—and in fact, the next three questions—come from a very simple planning tool that businesses have been using forever. I'm talking Harvard Business School, the world's leading brands, the most sophisticated executive teams of publicly traded companies, the best coaches on the planet use this tool. It's called Stop, Start, Continue. It just cuts right through the BS and helps you focus on what is it that I need to stop doing? What do I need to start doing? And what am I going to continue doing? Because we often forget when we're setting goals: continue. What am I going to continue doing? You're not going to forget that part because we're using these seven questions.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Question number four: what are you going to stop doing in the next year? For me, looking back at my answers that I wrote down 12 months ago, you know what I said? I'm going to stop traveling for work. I'm just not doing it. I used to do like 30 or 40 keynotes a year. It was a huge part of the business, but it was draining me. Got to stop doing it. I'm very proud to say I did seven speeches this year. That's it. That's a huge change. I should now probably put that on one of the highlights of the year. Again, this is why this becomes such an iterative process.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other thing I said I'm going to stop doing: I'm going to stop bitching about menopause, because it's not helping me accept who I am. I'm just going to get to work and I'm going to lean in and I'm going to learn. What I learned is it's all about strength training and protein, people. Strength training, protein, and hormone replacement therapy if it's safe for you. And it works.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, when I ask myself this question—what am I going to stop doing? Oh my God, it's a hard one. I want to stop allowing myself to stay in projects or situations where I feel that friction or frustration. I just want to get laser focused on weeding out process things that aren't working or dynamics with people that aren't working, and just stop tolerating anything less than peace and ease.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I've started doing that with my family. I said to Chris the other day, there's something that we're working on together and he was starting to get really nervous that it's not going to work out. I'm like, "Can we just bring ease to this? It's either going to work or it's not going to work, but getting all agitated about it doesn't help. Can we just bring ease to this?" I've started saying it with certain people in my family that get an edge in their voice. "I get that you're frustrated. Can we just dial down the tone a little bit? Can we just take a deep breath and talk through this without the intensity?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: This idea that I'm going to stop allowing that friction and intensity around me, and I'm going to really focus on protecting a more peaceful state—it doesn't mean I'm going to be steamrolled. It just means there's an energy thing that I really don't want to buy into. I don't want to get sucked into. It's really important to me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What else am I going to stop doing? I'm stopping myself from trying to solve my kids' problems and giving them advice, and teaching myself to just listen. That's helping a lot. I'm sure I'll come to more. That's the thing. I'm doing this live with you, so it doesn't sound very professional the way I'm talking right now. I'm sort of like your friend. It'd be like you and I sitting at lunch together and we're like, "Well, I don't know. What am I going to stop doing?" That's the other reason to come back to this and listen and to write things down, because you can add things to the list. Once you start chipping away at this, more and more opens up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to stop making work my number one priority. It's been taking over my life. Part of that's because the book is launching right now, but I really do not want to take on more projects next year. There it is. See, I just discovered it by talking to you. I need to stop adding things. That means focus on the things that are actually working, which is this podcast. I'm going to start subtracting. That's what I'm going to do. Ooh, that's a good one. I like that one. I better write that in a Sharpie and put it on my forehead. If my family hears this, they're going to be like, "Mel, what did you say you're going to do? You're going to stop doing things."
--:-- Mel Robbins: That brings me to question number five. What are you going to start doing? This is something new. What are you going to start doing? I'm almost embarrassed to tell you last year's answers. Top of the list, people. You ready? I'm going to strength train three days a week. That didn't happen. Here's the thing about it: I didn't do it. I don't need to trash myself about it. How amazing is it if you could bring compassion to the things that didn't happen and instead lean in with curiosity?
--:-- Mel Robbins: If I say, "Well, why didn't that happen, Mel?" I'll tell you why. It actually happened if I was in Boston for a week taping the podcast, because I was in a very steady routine. It would happen if I happened to be in Vermont for a stretch. It didn't happen when things got crazy. That tells me more data: my life doesn't work when I shop when I'm hungry. My life doesn't work when I say yes to too many things. My life doesn't work and the things that I need don't fall in place if I get too ambitious around what I think I can get done. It's in slowing down and getting into more of a rhythm that I actually feel better. That's personal for me, which means I got to bring that to my goals.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you want to know what's fascinating? If I hadn't done this audit, my plan for next year would be more. I got to do more. I got to take on more. I got to do this. I got to do that. I got to do the other thing. My audit is telling me, actually, Mel, no, you got to do less. You got to focus on the things that actually matter. You got to get rid of a lot of stuff that's not working. Then you got to just really lean into those things and be a real, just maniacal, unwavering B-I-T-C-H, if you know what I mean, about anything else that comes up. Particularly with myself, because I'm the one that shops when I'm hungry.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is a really important insight for me, and it might be for you too. Maybe you say yes to too much, which means you're saying no to the things that matter. You're chasing the next thing instead of truly leaning into the real thing. I'm a thousand percent guilty of that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another thing that I wrote last year: I want to be aggressive about saving money. I did that and it was on my list and it was a reminder. It's only when it's in front of my face that I remember to do it. I think you're going to find the same thing. It's very clear to me what I need to start doing: being more disciplined about just focusing on the core things that matter to me instead of expand, expand, expand. You can get so romanced by doing more, especially this time of year.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you know how radical and defiant it is to say, "Nope, my goals for the next year: I'm actually going to do less and I'm going to focus on the things that actually matter. I'm going to be super disciplined about it, about the three or four things that make me really happy, about the three or four things at work or in my career or my business that really make it excel. I'm going to be really strict about not getting sucked up in all the other stuff," because it's so easy for that to happen.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. That brings me to number six. What are you going to continue doing in the next year? Last year's answer was limiting alcohol, which I was good and bad about. It depends on the stress level in my life. Alcohol is at the scene of the crime whenever I'm stressed. One thing I'm very proud of: I'm not the drinker I used to be. I'm not the kind of person that was truly just pounding the bourbon Manhattans. I'm the kind of person though that when things get very stressful, the easiest way that I can pull the lever on my brain to go, "Oh my God, turn your brain off," is to just have a gin and tonic. That's not a good thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I would continue to limit my alcohol and to try to figure out ways to better support myself. But the best way I can support myself, honestly, is to do what I just told you I'm going to do: limit what I'm focused on. Because it's when I shop when I'm hungry and I say yes to too many things and I let everybody else hijack my time and I make things bigger, bigger, bigger that I get stressed. When I'm out with my flowers and spending time with Chris and hanging with some friends and prioritizing my parents and I'm really focused on three things at work that truly drive the needle, I'm not stressed. All of this is connected.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The other thing I'm going to continue doing is using the Let Them theory. That was one thing I said last year because I had just discovered it and we had just started writing the book. I'm going to let other people live their lives because my life gets better. I'm going to let other people be who they are because then my relationships get better. When I use the Let Them theory and I keep saying "let them," and I let people be themselves and I let people learn from life and I let people know that I'm here to support them but that I'm not going to save them—when I let people have their opinions, when I let them deal with their own emotions, my life gets better. It creates space for me. It creates peace. It's unbelievable how much more time you have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I'm going to continue saying, "Let them." And then saying, "Let me." Every single day, because it works. It's what creates the space for me to take care of me. I'm definitely not going to be working on my next book, because holy smokes, I'm going to laser focus on the three things and not add anything else. I'm just going to enjoy hearing all the miraculous ways that your life changes and your family changes and your marriage and your relationships with your adult kids and everybody else gets better because you learn the power of letting other people be who they are. It's honestly kind of interesting: the more you give up control, the more control you gain, the more power you have. It's incredible.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, the final thing. Question number seven. What can you do today to take that first step now that you have a set of directions? Is there one thing on that list that you can do today? If you're also noticing, "Wow, you know, I would love to plant flowers. I'm the same way as Mel." Could you watch a video that helps you plan how you're going to do that this spring for yourself to set yourself up? That's just one step forward. If you listen to me and you're like, "Yeah, I'm not spending enough time with my parents either," or "When's the last time I spent a Friday night laughing my tail off with my friends?" Could you find a date in the calendar and reach out and plan it?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now that you have the turn-by-turn set of directions of what you're going to start doing, what you're going to stop doing, what you're going to continue doing. Now that you can see what brought you joy and what taught you the greatest lessons, now that you have greater self-awareness, you have a deeply personal, extremely wise, and deadly accurate set of directions that lead you to the simple things that you can do more of, the things you need to do less of, that will help you create the best year of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think that's the most magical thing of all: the answers are not out there. They're actually in you. It's not the big things when you sit there and you're like, "I'm going to make a million dollars. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that." No, it's the little things that create the best year of your life. It's the things you stop doing. It's the things you continue doing that bring you joy, but you don't quite think about every day because they're little, but you need to continue to do them. And it's the things that you need to start doing because of all the lessons that you've learned or the ways that things didn't work out this year because you didn't take the time to set yourself up for success.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe all you need to do is to start thinking, "Okay, I got these directions. How do I make this easier for myself? How do I set myself up to win? How do I not make this so hard?" What if this wisdom and these directions that are right in front of my face actually make my life easier and more fun? What if you leaned into that? You already know what's going to create the best year of your life. Through this simple exercise, you now have a roadmap to take yourself there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One other thing that you can do that will really accelerate it: share this episode with everybody that you love. One of my favorite things about doing this exercise is I not only do it with Chris, but over the years as our kids have gotten older, we do it as a family. I've now just done it with you, which means I'm going to have a head start when I sit down with my family in a couple days, because I'm going to have all this stuff written down and I'm going to have glanced through all of my camera roll.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The cool thing is when you do it as a group with your family, with your kids, or with your parents, or with your roommates, you remind each other of the good things. You remind each other of the stuff that you learned. It's a really amazing exercise that you can do together, that brings you together, and that also helps you understand what matters to each and every one of you at a completely different level, which helps you show up and support one another in having the best year of your life. That's what I want for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you, thank you, thank you for spending this time with me. Thank you for listening to this. Thank you for sharing it with your friends and family. Thank you for taking the time to come back to it and to truly dig in with your own calendar and your own photos, because there is no doubt in my mind, you're going to be surprised by what you find.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me just recap so you got those questions front and center. Number one: what were the highlights this year? Number two: what were the hardest parts of the year for you? Three: what did you learn about yourself over the last 12 months? Four: what are you going to stop doing in the coming year? Five: what are you going to start doing in the coming year? Six: what are you going to continue doing in the coming year? And finally, question number seven: what can you do today to take the first step in that set of directions?
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's it. There's the audit. It is so simple and shockingly powerful. I cannot wait to hear the wisdom, the lessons, the insight, and the set of directions that it creates for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In case no one else tells you, I also wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. What I just walked you through is a very simple formula that you can share with anyone that you love that absolutely gives you the set of directions that you need to create that better life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'll be waiting for you in the next episode. In fact, the first time I shared this on the podcast, it was a year ago. It was over the Let Them Theory book. Whether you have the audiobook or you have the hardcover, it's going to make your life better because the entire book is about learning. Hold on a second. Am I going too far into that thing? No? Yes? We good? Okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: [Laughs] Tracy doesn't want me to hit him over the head, so I'll try that again. Before we jump into the seven questions and this process that you're going to use to create the best year ever in the coming year—because do you want me to say 2025? All right, Phil, you're so pragmatic.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. No, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
