--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, you and I are going to talk about mindset. And I want to start by telling you a little bit about how Mel Robbins used to go about her life. See, in the background of my mind, there was always this annoying, pesky voice that was running on a loop. And you want to know what I was saying? Some pretty nasty stuff. "You'll never be happy. You'll never get what you want. Why do you always screw things up? There you go. You did it again. Why can't you figure this out? What the hell is wrong with you? It's always your fault. They're mad at you. I can tell they're mad at you."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I know you're nodding along as I'm listing these horrible things that I used to say to myself, because you say this stuff to yourself too. But I've got some good news today. You do not have to live like this. You may be used to listening to this garbage just like I was, but your friend Mel is here to say it is time to take the trash out and clean up your mind.
--:-- Mel Robbins: A number of years ago, I went to war against the disgusting, annoying, destructive, and sometimes abusive voice that was in my head, and I survived. And I'm here to tell you, you can win the war with your own mind, and you can have peace. And even if you're thinking, "Well, I don't really hate myself, but I am kind of negative," you're going to learn something so cool. You can train your brain to help you get what you want in life. And today I'm going to teach you how to do it. It is time to clean up your mind and make it a beautiful and positive place to live. You deserve that. And today you're going to learn how to do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am so glad that you're here with me today. It is always such an honor to spend time together, and I also want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something today that is going to help you create a better life. I just think that's so cool that you're taking time for yourself, and I love spending it with you. And if you're a brand new listener, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm glad you're here.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You've tuned in to an incredible episode with your friend Mel Robbins, because today you're going to evict the jerk that lives in your head. That negative self-talk has got to go. Admit it. You're downright abusive to yourself sometimes. I mean, you wouldn't talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself. You know how you are constantly saying you're never good enough, how you're always focused on what's going wrong, and you're beating yourself down. I used to be the exact same way. It didn't matter how many good things were going on in my life. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. The self-talk, it felt like a beatdown.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Have you ever felt that way? You're like, "Can I just escape this for a minute? Can I ever feel like I'm good enough?" Well, several years ago, I got serious about changing the way that I spoke to myself. And I'm not just talking about the way that I spoke out loud. I'm talking about all the ugly stuff that I was saying to myself in my mind. I mean, the old Mel, you might've seen me and I would've had a smile on my face and you would have thought to yourself, "Oh, that Mel Robbins, she's the happiest, most positive person on the planet." But at the exact same moment, I would be thinking and talking to myself, "I don't belong here. It seems like nobody likes me. That person, they seem like they're mad. What did I do wrong?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'll tell you what, taking on my self-talk completely changed my life. And the fact is, you can transform your mind. If I can do it, you can do it. And I did it through therapy, through studying and researching mindset, and reading book after book after book after book, and trying all kinds of stuff. I turned my mindset around and I learned how to make my mind work for me instead of constantly working against me. And the result? I'm way more loving, encouraging, and I see the things that are going right. The person that you kind of think, "Oh, I know Mel Robbins, she's a positive person," that's how I am on the inside now. And I've learned how to tap into momentum and confidence and self-trust by changing my self-talk.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And today I'm teaching you this exact same process step-by-step. And here's my hope. My hope is that not only will you do this for yourself, my hope is that you will share this masterclass of mindset with everyone you know, because we all need to know how to do this. And even the most positive and seemingly successful people in your life, guess what? They are hypercritical. They beat the heck out of themselves internally. They may not show it, but they do, and they need this information too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is so important because you don't live your life on the outside. Your life is determined by what it's like to be on the inside of your mind. And the fact is, you deserve a mindset reset. I see something so much bigger for you. So on behalf of the future you, the positive you, the kinder you, I want to thank you for being here for yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have taught these same strategies and tools on stages around the world to my corporate partners. I have incorporated them into online courses that I've created and taught to hundreds of thousands of students around the world. And today, you're going to be the one learning them. The fact is, you can absolutely reprogram your mind. And the criticism that's been part of your life story is not the whole story. Today, it is my honor to teach you how to write a new story in your mind.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I want to start off with a question from one of your fellow podcast listeners that I know you're going to relate to. And that listener's name is Brandy. Check this out.
--:-- Brandy (Listener): Hi there, Mel. My name is Brandy. How do I stop the spiral of negative thoughts and feelings? I really want to reset and start embracing a happier life. I just don't know where to start. I hope you can help.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Brandy, I am so happy that you asked this question because we have received thousands of versions of this question. I picked your question in particular because you use the word "reset." And today I am going to teach you how to give yourself a mindset reset.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's just start with a definition so we're all using the same terminology. Let's define, you and I, what is a mindset? Well, your mindset is your beliefs and your opinions about the way that the world works. That's the definition when you look it up. However, you know that I prefer metaphors. Mel Robbins is dyslexic, so she likes to be able to visualize something, especially when we're talking about this intellectual stuff.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So the metaphor that I love when it comes to mindset and the science-y, psychological, neurological aspect of mindset and brain programming is I use the metaphor sunglasses. I think about your mindset like a pair of sunglasses. So stop and think right now about your favorite pair of sunglasses. I have these sunglasses that I have had for almost 15 years. I bought them because we were going on this rafting trip and I forgot to pack my sunglasses. So I bought the only cool pair of sunglasses that they had on that turnstile thing on the counter. They're like 15 bucks and they're these huge black bug-eyed glasses. I feel like Jackie O when I wear them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So think about your favorite pair of sunglasses for just a minute. Now, I want you to think about the lens color. When you put on that pair of sunglasses, that lens on your favorite sunglasses, it colors and filters what you see and it gives it a tint, right? I mean, if you put on rose-colored sunglasses, the world has a rosy bright tint to it. If you put on amber sunglasses, same thing. Gray, same thing. My big black bug-eyed glasses that I just love, I feel so glamorous in these $15 plastic things. Everything looks crazy dark, just really blocks everything out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, let's go back to the written definition of your mindset. Your mindset is made up of your beliefs and your opinions. And just like the lens on a pair of sunglasses, those beliefs and opinions that you have, they create a mindset through which you filter the world. And I'm going to give you a couple examples.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's say you're a pessimistic person. If that's your mindset, if that's your outlook, you will filter the world through pessimism, just like a dark pair of sunglasses skews the outside world with this black and darker shade. And if you're not pessimistic, just think about the most pessimistic person you know. Someone who is always negative. They could be sitting on the beach in the Bahamas with a beautiful, fabulous tropical drink in their hands. Sun is shining, crystal clear ocean, and they're annoyed because lunch hasn't come out yet. You know that kind of person. You've sat next to them at a wedding where the band is awesome, the couple is so cute and happy, family's together, and what is this person doing? They're bitching about some relative that's sitting all the way on the other side of the room. All they notice is the one thing that's wrong or irritating them. They don't even notice all of the amazing things that are going on around them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Isn't it interesting when I describe this negative, pessimistic person? You know exactly who I'm talking about. And you're probably thinking, "Dear God, do not sit them next to me at the next family wedding." And here's the craziest thing about mindset. You know that pessimistic person you and I were just thinking about? They have no idea that they have their glasses on. This is just the way they see the world.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to give you another example of mindset and how important this is. I want you to think about someone you work with, or maybe you go to school with this person, who has a can-do attitude. No matter how tight the deadline or how rude the customer is that you guys are waiting on or how much other team members are slacking off, this one person with a can-do attitude, they always see the bright side. Or they have this unbelievable ability to just shrug off the rudeness of other people or the laziness of the students that are on your group project. And they literally can just flip it and turn to you and go, "Well, they probably have something going on in their personal life." It's as if they always see any situation or any relationship from the positive. They see possibility. They give people the benefit of the doubt. They assume good intent. This too is a mindset. It's just like putting on a rosy pair of sunglasses. Everything is sharper, clearer, brighter when you have this kind of mindset. Even a cloudy, crappy day looks like a beautiful sunrise.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, there's a really cool study from the University of Toronto about rose-colored glasses. This isn't just a saying. When you wear rose-colored glasses, your attitude is better. And I know I'm simplifying this, but your belief about yourself and about the world around you, it's like wearing a pair of sunglasses. It shapes the way you view the world. And that determines how and what you think about. It also determines how you feel about the present moment, about your past, and about the future. And most importantly, this is where it gets really important. Your mindset determines what actions you take and what actions you don't take.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So why is mindset and getting intentional about changing your mindset so important? Why do you need to know what color the lens is that you view the world through? And more importantly, why is it time to pop those lenses out if they don't serve you and put in different lenses so that you can see things differently? I'll tell you why your mindset is so important. Because so much of your potential is either limited or expanded by your mindset. When you feel more hopeful or when you see options and you start to tell yourself, "Well, why not? Why don't I just try it?" That rosier mindset, it inspires you to take the actions that change your life. And it's the actions that matter.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right now, there are areas in your life where your own mindset is blocking you from taking action. This is so important. And before we jump into the filter in your brain and changing your mindset, I want to be very clear about something. This conversation today, it's not about positive thinking. You and I are talking about training your mind to work for you. That's very different. This is not toxic positivity. I'm not asking you to put a positive spin on a shitty situation. I'm also very clear that thinking nice thoughts is not going to get your bills paid.
--:-- Mel Robbins: However, if you can get serious and intentional and strategic about training your mind to have a more rosier and more optimistic and empowered attitude, you, my friend, will be able to say to yourself, "I can do this." You will be able to say, "You know what? I know my student debt is piled from the floor to the ceiling and I have not opened those bills in approximately 10 months, but I believe in my ability to figure out how to pay this off."
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you take off the dark glasses, you know what you'll see? You'll see you're not stuck in the job. You're not stuck in the relationship. You're not stuck with the unhealthy habits that you have. If you're the kind of person that constantly shrugs your shoulders and is like, "Well, it is what it is. Got this college debt. It is what it is. I always date these losers. It is what it is. My grandfather was heavy. My mother was heavy. I guess I'll just..." No, no. You can look at something differently. And when you look at it differently, you see different options.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I also want to say one more thing before we jump into the filter in your brain and its connection to your mindset. There are things in life that you are not going to change, or at least you're not going to change them overnight. For example, you and I cannot change the fact that there is discrimination and there is bias in this world and a lot of people experience it. We also can't change the fact that poverty and mental health issues impact people at profound levels. And I also see so many of you listeners writing in from around the world and you have this incredible desire to create a better life, but the fact is it's really hard for you. You're living in a country that's in turmoil, or you live somewhere where your basic human rights are under attack every single day. And that's your reality. And I will not tell you that a positive mindset is going to change that reality.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what it changes. It changes you and your ability to face it. It empowers you to be resilient, resourceful, and courageous in the face of the reality that's around you right now. That's what a mindset does. And that's why it's important to get serious about training your mind to work for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is so important that I want to give you one more example about how your mindset either inspires action or it discourages it. So let's just say that you are in a job and you hate it. You feel stuck. You feel like you're kind of dead inside. You're not excited about anything. It's day in, day out, the same thing. Or if you're not working right now, and let's say you've taken time off to raise your kids and you're sitting there going, "I want to get back in the workforce, but I don't have any skills and I've got a 20-year hole in my resume. Nobody's going to hire me. I don't have any experience. I don't even know how to write a resume. How the hell am I going to get into interior design when I went to college for accounting and I work in a big accounting firm and I don't even know how to begin doing this? I can't make this happen."
--:-- Mel Robbins: If that is the way that you look at the future, if that's your mind, if you color what's possible through that dark lens, if you keep telling yourself those things, you will see a world where you can't change. So are you going to feel inspired to work on your resume? Of course not. Because your mindset has stopped you before you even started. And that's why it's critical for you to realize this is not just a conversation about your thoughts. At the end of the day, if you don't have a positive mindset, you and I can talk about actions and habits all day long till we're blue in the face, but you won't do shit about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I've got to get you to have the kind of mindset that also says, "Hey, it's worth it. Hey, I can do something about this." Because if I can get you to be more optimistic, if I can get you to take the dark lens off and put on a lighter one, if I can get you to start believing, it is worth it for you to apply. It is worth it for you to put your dating app back up. Yes, it is worth it for you to pick up the pen and start working on that book you've always wanted to write. Hell yes, it's worth it for you to take 10 minutes today and lay down on the floor and do those stretching exercises that the doctor told you you should do because you threw your back out, instead of sitting on the couch and bitching about it. Of course it's worth it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If I can get you to start to flip from, "Ugh, easy for you to say, Mel. Works out for you, doesn't work out for me. It's not going to help. I've had anxiety for years," into, "Hey, maybe it will work. Hey, maybe I'm ready. Maybe I should try this. Maybe I do deserve this." That singular switch in your mindset motivates you, encourages you to take action. Without action, your problems are not going away. Without action, those dreams are not coming true. Without action, you are not healing the crap that's giving you pain. When you change your mindset, it doesn't make those challenges disappear. It changes your ability to face them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So now that you know what a mindset is and the fact that it impacts the actions that you do or don't take, I now want to prove to you that your mind is super flexible. It is so easily programmed. I mean, I can't even work my television remote and I can teach you how to change the filter in your brain. And when you start to realize, "Holy cow, Mel's right. My mind is easier to program than a television remote," just you buckle up and wait, because your mind has been dying for you to learn what you're about to learn.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's prove to you that your mind is at the ready to change to help you. Okay. Have you ever had an experience where you either were looking or shopping for a new car? I am personally in this boat right now. I drive a nine-year-old car. I love this car, but it's time. It seems like the engine light is on every other week. And every time I take it to get fixed, it's like a $500 bill. And so the thing is paid off, but I'm like, nine years, maybe it's time. And the truth is I'm not really a car person. I just want the car to be comfortable. I want it to work. I want it to be reliable. I want the seats to have heaters in them and the steering wheel to be a heater seat heater thingy. I always mix those words up, but that's kind of what I care about. So I don't really think about cars.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But you want to know what? The second I started truly considering maybe it's time to get a new car, and then as I started to hone in on the new Bronco, does everybody and their mother drive the new Bronco? It's like it's the only car on the road. The two-door, the four-door, the soft top, the hard top, the gray one, the red one, the green one, like they're everywhere. Now, here's the thing. A couple months ago, I had never seen a Bronco up here in Southern Vermont. But now that I'm interested in Broncos, I see them everywhere.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to think about a time that this has happened to you where you started to get interested in something and then it's like whammo, overnight you see it everywhere. Maybe it was a handbag that you were really interested in, or a certain style of shoe. Birkenstocks, those were popular 30 years ago and now every single college student and 20-something is wearing them. Bangs. The second I wanted curtain bangs, it's like does everybody have curtain bangs suddenly? Never even noticed them before. Or you hear a song and you tune in, you're like, "Oh, I love that song. That song is so cool." And suddenly you hear this song playing in every restaurant.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe you haven't shopped for a car, but I bet when you were looking at colleges, it's like, "Wait a minute. Does everybody have a Michigan sweatshirt? Is there a sticker that says University of Michigan on every car? Is it just me or is that the only college in town?" It's the same thing if you want to have a baby. As soon as you are trying to get pregnant, you know what happens? You see kids and pregnant women everywhere. It's like there were only adults on the planet and people that weren't pregnant. And then you want a baby and boom, it's in your face. Or how about this one? You want to fall in love. What do you see? You see couples in love. It's so annoying. It happens instantaneously.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what that is? That phenomenon where all of a sudden overnight, you see something everywhere. That is your mind changing in real time. That is a filter in your brain, paying attention to what it thinks you are excited about or interested in. And here's the crazy thing about your mind. And this is why this science is so exciting when you understand it. Oh my God. Here's the crazy part. You ready? The Broncos, the Bangs, the Birkenstocks, the Babies, they were always there all around you. You just didn't notice them. You want to know why? Because they were not important to you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The fact that you suddenly see those things everywhere is an example, and it is proof that your brain wiring is changing in real time, and your mind is trying to help you. Your mind is showing you the Broncos that have always been there because it became important to you. So why would your mind let you see things sometimes, but not others? Why are you suddenly seeing the covered-toe Birkenstocks now, but you didn't see them for the last five years? That's a great question. And this brings us to the topic of the filter in your mind. Oh, I'm so excited for you to learn this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So there is a filter in your mind. It is called the reticular activating system. The reticular activating system. I'm going to call this the RAS, okay? Here's the visual, because you know your friend Mel loves visuals and metaphors to make this stuff easy. I want you to imagine that there is a hairnet over your brain. This hairnet is a live network of neurons, and it is constantly changing in real time. And this RAS, this network that sits over your brain as a filter, it has one job, a very important job, mind you. The RAS has to determine in real time, I'm talking nanoseconds, what information it should allow into your conscious mind for you to see and register, and what information it will block out from your conscious mind.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Another way that you can think about the RAS is think about it like a bouncer in your brain. And the reason why you need a bouncer is because life is sort of like a very popular nightclub. Everybody wants to get in. And you need a bouncer who is deciding who gets in and who has to stand in that long line, freezing their ass off in an outfit that is not appropriate for winter, trying to get in. The RAS is the bouncer. It determines what is important enough to Mel Robbins that we are going to let it right in and have her think about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is how the bouncer in your mind works. It literally has a guest list, and you're the one that writes the guest list out. What is on the guest list of your mind? Anything that is important to you, okay? All the other yahoos that are not on the list, all the other colleges that are on stickers on every other car, Dartmouth, Harvard, Brown, University of Wittenberg, not even noticing those. Why? Because you're thinking about University of Michigan. So all those other college stickers, they're waiting in line. They're not getting in. That bouncer won't let them in. But boom, there's a University of Michigan. Come on, you're going in. That's how it works.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so this is super, super important. And it's really exciting, okay? It's really exciting because when you understand that there's this electric hairnet on your brain called the RAS that works like a bouncer at a popular nightclub, we can tell that bouncer what you want, who you want to let in. It's that simple. When you get intentional about purposefully telling this bouncer what you want to see, the RAS reprograms itself in real time. It changes the filter. This is a live network in your brain. It changes in real time to help you see those things that are important to you. That's what you're experiencing when you suddenly see the car that you're interested in all over the road.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And today you're going to learn how to use that scientific neurological fact to your advantage because you're going to give yourself a mindset reset. Now we're going to take a second and hear a quick word from our sponsors. But when you come back to me, I have a super simple, really cool little tool that you're going to start using today to put this science around your filter to work. We'll be right back.
--:-- [Advertisement break]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, so we've been talking about your mindset and we've also started to scratch the surface at this thing called the reticular activating system. This is that live filter in your brain that is flexible and capable of changing in a nanosecond to help you. So let's start with this question from a listener named Peter.
--:-- Peter (Listener): Hey, this is Peter from Washington. I was just wondering, how do I get past my doubts and maintain a positive mindset? Thanks, Mel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thanks, Peter. So I want to focus on one aspect of your question, and that is where you said "getting past your doubts." This is where the science gets really interesting because your belief about yourself is a mindset. You used the word, Peter, self-doubt. If you have a lot of self-doubt, you question yourself, you criticize yourself, you hold yourself back, what color do you think the lenses on your sunglasses are? I'm not trying to be silly here. I'm trying to make this intellectual topic very tangible and understandable.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you doubt yourself, right, you put a lot of energy into doubting yourself. It's not just one thought. You probably do it all day long. Your thoughts are critical. You hesitate. You don't speak up. You hold yourself back. All of that is energy that makes your RAS think that doubting yourself is important. If you doubt yourself and you go into work, you know what happens to you at work? You don't see the 15 things that you do right. You know what you obsess over? The one thing you've done wrong.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is where the RAS starts to make it worse because your RAS sees you spending so much energy and mental fuel in criticizing, doubting, and hesitating. And so your RAS thinks, "Oh my gosh, ding, ding, ding. Peter thinks it's important for him to see what's wrong." And so your RAS blocks the 15 things that you did right. You know what you did today, Peter? You sent 32 emails. Great job. You didn't see it though. You did a great job with those five customers. You're not giving yourself credit though. You were amazing in that meeting earlier. Not getting credit for that either. But the one email, the one email, that bouncer's like, "Come to the front of the line. I'll take the email that is negative," and that email is getting in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you doubt yourself, it shades your mindset towards self, and then your brain gets involved. When the email from your boss comes in, "Hey, can you stop by my office before you leave today?" How do you think Peter's RAS interprets that email? If he doubts himself, I'll tell you how. When he reads, "Can you stop by my office before you leave today?" His RAS goes, "Oh shit." Because you've trained it to look for things that aren't right. By putting so much time and energy into focusing on your self-doubt, you are also training the filter in your brain to filter out everything that's going right and to focus only on the one thing that's going wrong, thereby magnifying the self-doubt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let's go back to an earlier example. Remember that pessimistic friend sitting on the beach that's bitching that lunch hasn't come, or that pessimistic relative that is bitching about the family member that's halfway across the tent? It's all they see. They can't even see the beautiful water or the happy couple or anything else good. Why? Because their pessimism is what has programmed their reticular activating system. This is how mindset and the filter in your brain get linked. They become fused together. So first it starts with a mindset. You're thinking negative thoughts and then your filter gets involved. And next thing you know, you're just seeing more and more and more and more reasons to doubt yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is the good news, okay? If you get intentional about searching for reasons to feel proud or for the small wins, the 15, the 32 emails that you sent, the good things that you did, the places where you're showing up, your mind will spin like a top. And all of a sudden, just like you saw Broncos and Babies and Birkenstocks, instead of seeing the one thing that you did wrong, you will see the 15 things that you did right. This is not a joke. It's hard science.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This also, by the way, ties right back into the endless science about the power of a gratitude practice. A gratitude practice is a way to train your mind. A gratitude practice is teaching the RAS that being grateful and taking time to savor beautiful moments and focusing on things that you're really proud of and you appreciate, that that's important to you. So you see more of it. That's how this all works hand in hand.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I want to give you one more example, okay? Because I think this is challenging at times to see in ourselves because we're so used to seeing the world through a certain lens that we don't even realize we're wearing sunglasses. But it is kind of easy to spot in other people. So here's one more example about how your own beliefs and mindset about yourself or a situation that you're in can become paralyzing because the filter in your brain keeps the mindset in place, okay?
--:-- Mel Robbins: So think about somebody that you love who's single and they are desperate to meet the right person. And the longer they stay single, the more and more insecure they get by the day. And when you see them, you see a person who is smart, who's awesome, who's hilarious, who's loyal, who's sexy, who's amazing, who would be the most incredible person to be in a relationship with.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But I want you to just imagine that the color of the lens on your glasses, when you look through your belief about them, it's completely different than the color of the lens on their glasses. When day in and day out, all this person can think is, "Why can't I find somebody? Why does everybody else have somebody? I see all my friends getting approached at the bars. I see my friends getting asked out. Why am I not getting asked out?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: What you've now learned about the mindset and belief about yourself and the way your filter responds in real time is: the more energy you put into a negative narrative like this—"It's never going to work out for me. Nobody's ever going to love me. I am unlovable. Everybody else has a date. I'm never going to have a date"—the more that mindset and that belief becomes a self-fulfilling situation. Why? Because you're putting so much energy into the negative that the filter in your brain is now going to filter the world in a way to reinforce the negative story. When you walk into a bar, all you're going to see are all the couples. You're not even going to focus on all the other people that are single that you should walk up and talk to.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This also explains why you as the friend see the opposite. And you can tell the person over and over and over again, "You need to calm down. You're amazing. You are going to find an amazing person. You just haven't met the right person yet." It's the exact same situation, but because both of you have different mindsets and beliefs about the situation, you see it through a different lens. And you both believe, by the way, that your belief is the truth.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The more that this carries on for your friend, the less your friend is gonna put themselves out there because they're slowly convincing themselves that this is never gonna happen, so why bother? The filter in your brain, it's either gonna make the situation worse or—and this is what I want to teach you—it can make it better. But that depends on your ability to get serious about programming it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you can stay positive, if you can stay optimistic, if you can keep saying to yourself, "There is nothing wrong with me. I just haven't met the right person yet. But one of these days, the right person will walk in. And in the meantime, I'm just going to keep being me"—if they can get intentional about creating that mindset, a number of things are going to happen. They're not going to become insecure. They're not going to start acting all weird around people. And they are not going to latch on to some loser just because they're starting to convince themselves that they're desperate and this is their only option.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to give you one more example. If you are somebody that loves social media, if you've ever seen the Instagram Explore page or the TikTok Discover page, you'll notice that it changes in real time because those pages are filters and they respond to what it thinks is important to you. So if you click on a puppy, all of a sudden that Discover page is going to be all puppy videos. I went through this phase where I was really into long nails, and suddenly that Discover page went from puppies to long nails. It doesn't matter if you accidentally click on Beyoncé videos or on wedding videos—the algorithm is going to think that that's what you want to see. So suddenly that's all that you see, and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. Your brain's the same way. Once you focus on something, your brain starts showing you more.
--:-- Mel Robbins: My daughter had this huge breakthrough about how she felt about herself based on social media and on her brain because she realized, "Oh my God, my Explore page, it's all fitness models." And it's fitness models that are in photos of waist trainers and wearing body makeup and taking these crazy filtered photos in these contorted positions to make themselves look like they have a waist that's two inches small. Of course she felt like shit about her body. Why? Because she was seeing it over and over and over again. And so her brain started thinking, "Oh, well, this must matter to you." And then the social media pages start aggregating it and showing you more and more and more. As that all starts to happen, you start to believe that everybody on the planet is the size of your pinky finger, which then invalidates the fact that you have this big, beautiful, amazing, strong body, and you look fabulous. But it doesn't matter because it doesn't match all this crap that's being shown in your face. This is how your brain works too. And you got to get on top of this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So before we walk through the mindset reset process, when these thoughts pop in, here's a pro tip: get serious about what accounts you follow. You definitely want to follow the Mel Robbins Podcast because everything we put up is a way to train your brain to work for you. But when we come back, I'm going to give you the simple exercise backed by research that is astonishing because when you start to put it to use, you will experience your brain changing in real time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. We've been talking about mindset, the filter in your brain called the RAS, and how to give yourself a mindset reset. Oftentimes, I personally find that if somebody just throws a science-backed tip or exercise or tool or tactic or strategy at me, it sounds so dumb on the surface that without the underlying science that explains why this simple thing works, you will literally roll your eyes and not do it. So the exercise that I want you to practice—it will sound stupid, but I want you to hang in there because there is a really powerful thing going on in your neuropathways when you try this. It's also an incredibly cool and fun thing to do with your family, with your friends. In fact, I get texts from people all over the world who are doing it, and my two adult daughters constantly text me pictures of what I'm about to ask you to do. So I promise you, it's worth trying.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is an exercise called "Looking for Hearts." And this is how you play it. Every single day when you wake up, you are going to go on a scavenger hunt in your day-to-day life, and you are going to try to find a naturally occurring heart shape somewhere in the world. It could be a cloud that's shaped like a heart. You could look at your coffee and see that the foam on top has made the shape of a heart. You might get out of your car and you'll see a stain on the floor or a leaf that's the shape of a heart.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what's interesting about this. What you'll realize is that there are probably 10,000 heart shapes that are around you in your day-to-day life. The stain on the carpet, the spot on your dog's back, the tear in a pair of pants—they're everywhere. They're absolutely everywhere. And right now, you walk right by them. Why? Because they're not important to you. You have not told the bouncer of your brain to let the hearts in to the nightclub. So you are walking right past all these things, and they are actively being blocked out. The second you start playing this game, Find a Heart, you will experience something amazing. You will experience your brain going to work for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I do want you to play this every single day. This is truly not a game about finding hearts. This is about training your mind. This is a game where you are telling your mind, "I am the freaking boss, bouncer of the mind. I pay your salary. You are going to do what I tell you to do. You are going to find me a heart. That is your job today. Find me a heart." So get intentional about that. And then I want you to go through your life and just let a heart shape in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you see it, here's what I want you to do. And if you're really analytical, you're going to think this is the cheesiest damn thing you've ever heard, but I want you to do this because there's neuroscience involved. When you see that heart, I want you to pause and I want you to really stare at it for a minute. You can take a photo of it. If it's a rock, you can pick it up or a leaf and take it with you. Because I want you to reward your brain for being flexible and for trying to help you. I want you to take that moment for real. As cheesy as this sounds—the foam on the top of your coffee, the shadow on the floor—I want you to take a minute and really savor it and literally just go, "Holy shit. There it is. That's pretty cool. Yesterday, I walked right past this and I didn't even see it. Thank you, mind. Wow. You just changed in real time."
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you really want to supersize this, if you're somebody that's really struggling with a sense of self-worth or hope or really believing that you can turn things around, I want you to tell yourself that that was placed there for you to find. Because you needed to see evidence that it is in fact possible to change the way you think. It is in fact possible to tell your mind what you want to see and for your mind to work for you. Once you see one heart, you will start seeing hearts everywhere. The more hearts that you see, the more that you are connecting into magic, the more that you realize that your brain is trying very hard to help you. It is going to point out hearts in the moss, hearts on the sidewalk. You're going to see hearts on people's clothing. You're going to see them in paintings. It's weird. They're like everywhere. It's as if there is this entire world that you and I live in and we walk by it every single day.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think that's true about everything that you want. There is evidence all around you that things are working out, that people are trying to help you if you're willing to see it. At the end of the day, finding hearts is not about finding hearts. It is about something so much bigger because it's proof that you can change the wiring in your mind. You can manipulate and program this filter, the RAS, to make it work for you. And every time you see a heart, it is evidence that it is true. This is the first step of a mindset reset. I got to prove to you that you can, in fact, do this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also want to flag something that you may experience because a lot of people write to me about this phenomenon once they try the exercise of finding a heart. This comes from a woman named Navy in Germany. And she wrote, "Mel, I loved what you said about looking for hearts. And I've been trying it. And I even saw two hearts within an hour. But then I got nervous. And it was almost as if I was afraid to find them. So how do you overcome the fear of making things better?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is a very common question. And I definitely relate to it. Because we are used to the way that things are. If you've experienced a tremendous amount of heartache or you've tried so many times to put yourself out there, the idea of believing again that it's worth trying again—that's what's scary. Because you've tried and it didn't work out, and you felt rejection, and you didn't want to feel the rejection again. So maybe those dark sunglasses are what you think protects you, and that's why you don't get your hopes up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what I want to say to you. This is not about hope. This is hard science. When you start to really play around with this next piece of advice—not only about finding hearts, but changing the way you think in real time—you're going to start to see reasons why you deserve to be happy. Yes, you can spot wins instead of the reasons why you're losing. You can change all of this. You can make your mind work for you. Just like I explained how when you have a negative outlook, the RAS can make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, the same is true about a positive outlook. Instead of a negative downward spiral, when you start to change your mindset, when you change your outlook, you create a positive upward spiral. Because once you start spotting wins and things to be grateful for, your RAS falls right in line and starts showing you more and more.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You cannot convince me that you can't change. I just have way too much evidence on my side. And you only have your own experience. You are up against Mel Robbins on this one. So you can try to tell me, but you cannot convince me because I have taught this exact same research, the science, the strategies that I'm teaching you right now to over a quarter of a million students as part of a course I created called Mindset Reset. And everything that you're learning, including finding hearts, it is working for people around the world. And I have the case studies and testimonials to prove it. So you can have your pessimism, but I am always going to be optimistic as your friend about your ability to change.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So find a heart today because you will do something that allows you to experience the sensation of the RAS filter changing in your mind in real time. It's honestly crazy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now I want to give you one more tool. I call this tool, it's part of the Mindset Reset, "Thought Substitution." The way to visualize this is: thought substitution is how you pop out a dark lens when you get a negative thought and you pop in a rosier lens. You're going to need this strategy in your day-to-day life. I use this all day long because things come up. I don't care how rosy your outlook is. There are going to be days that you get triggered. And if you're brand new to this idea of a mindset reset and programming your mind to work for you, you need thought substitution because it is how you engage in hand-to-hand combat with your own mind. It will address a concern that I'm getting a lot, like this question from Velvet: "Hey Mel, question on mindset. What do you do when your mind is spiraling out of control down this dark abyss of negative thoughts and overthinking?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Velvet, when you feel your mind dragging you into the abyss, woman, you have got to fight back. I know it sounds kind of dumb, but you have to fight back. You cannot let the negativity drag you down. And it does drag you down. That's again how mindset either causes action—like having you submit to feeling down—or it triggers a different action, like fighting back. That's where thought substitution comes in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What is thought substitution? It's a substitution diet for your mind. Instead of thinking this, you're going to think that. All this negative shit, the abyss that you're talking about, we made that up anyway. So if you can think bad thoughts, if you can spiral out of control down into a dark abyss, can't you think good ones? You weren't born doing that. Somebody taught you to do that. And so you can teach your mind to spiral upward. You can stop and ask yourself, "Is this thought true? Does it make me happy to tell myself that I suck? Do I feel good when I go down the abyss?" Of course not. And so let's think this, not that. That substitution diet that you're going to use to reset one thought at a time. This is the Mel Robbins way to describe what researchers call "cognitive bias modification." It's just catching this crappy thought and substituting something better.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's one of the best examples of this. The next time that you start obsessing over what could go wrong, just like Velvet, here's what you're going to substitute. Instead of thinking, "What if it goes wrong?" think this: "What if it all works out?" What if it works out? You substitute the negative bullshit with something positive. "What if it works out?" Can you argue with me on that one? "What if it works out?" I didn't say it will work out. I said, "What if it does?" Because you don't know whether it's going to work out or not, do you?
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you allow your default wiring to filter the world with the belief and the thought that "What if it doesn't work out? What if I fail? What if this? What if that?"—those thoughts filter the world a certain way. The thought "What if it doesn't work out?" makes you not apply. It makes you not write that book. It makes you not go to the gym. It makes you sit home alone. Those thoughts are filtering your experience of life a particular way. And because the filter in your brain is paying attention to what you care about, it believes that's what you want. So as you scan the world around you, you see reasons why it's not going to work out. "Didn't happen last time. I don't want to embarrass myself. I feel uncomfortable."
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you start to engage in thought substitution, "What if it all works out? What if leaving my house is the best decision I've made in a decade? What if I meet the person that I was destined to meet? What if going to 90 meetings in 90 days at AA changes my life? What if it all works out?" See how that mindset switch—cognitive bias modification—see how that leads you to feeling more encouraged? "What if I get into my dream school?" You're more likely to apply if you're like, "Well, what if it does work out?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is why this is so important. Your brain is paying attention to what's important to you. And I don't think any of us have a clue how much air time we give to negative thinking, to beating ourselves down, to assuming that life is going against you, to thinking something's wrong, to beating yourself up, to comparing yourself to other people. When you start to pay attention to two facts—number one, your mind is trying to help you, and number two, when you figure out what's important to you and you make it a priority, your mind will adjust in real time and help you see an entirely new world.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When you see that it's possible that you could get into your dream school, that's a whole new world. When you see that it's possible that you'll make the best friends of your life in the next year, a whole new world is possible. When you see that you can land your dream job, a whole new world is possible. And it begins with two simple things I want you to do: look for hearts so you experience that a whole new world is possible, that there's a world that you're walking by every day. This is critical. I do this every single day.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It sounds like such a dumb thing. I often think about this moment where the reporter's like, "So what's your secret to success?" And I'm like, "Look, I look for a heart every day." It sounds so stupid, doesn't it? But what I'm actually saying is I am actively engaged in the process of training my brain. And every time I see a heart, it's a reminder: "Oh yeah, my brain will tell me what I want it to tell me." So I can either let the campaign of misery take control of my RAS, or I can tell my brain, "No, it is important to be happy." The hearts for me is a simple way to explain this profound amount of research out there and put it into practical use. It's a simple way for me to explain to you: you are not stuck with the thoughts that you think.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That idea right there—that's everything. You are not stuck with the thoughts that you think. You can let them rise up, but you don't have to grab them and grip onto them and wrestle them to the ground. You'll be like, "Oh, there's that stupid thought that my dad taught me to think. Bye, Dad." The opportunity of your adult life and the rest of the time that you have is to reclaim your experience of life. To see all the places not where you don't fit in, but all the places where you can go, all the places where you could be, all the wins that you have, all the strengths that you have, all the magic you have to give.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I believe that you have huge wins every single day. I want you to give yourself credit for them. I believe that you've survived a ton of crap and you don't even give yourself credit for that. I believe that you're pretty awesome. And I want you to start to have a brain that filters the world in that direction.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That brings me to Molly's question: "Hey Mel, how do you get your mindset to a place of peace, a place of being ready to just live your life and go for the things that you know will make you happy? Thanks for your help."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Molly, I love this question. That's what it feels like to have a mindset and a filter that works for you. Because this idea of peace is what we're all ultimately after. When you're at peace, you're okay with everything that is and everything that isn't. You're not chasing something in order to fill a lack. Think of even the term "peace of mind." Peace of mind means you're not in conflict with your own heart and head and desires. That's a beautiful thing. When you have peace of mind, your mind is working for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I can really relate to this desire because I've spent most of my life with a sword in my hand, arguing with myself in my own head, maniacally searching for everything that's going wrong. And all I want right now is exactly that. I want peace. So here's one suggestion on how you can start to bring peace to this mindset reset process and the tools that we've already discussed. Every time you are looking for hearts and you find one, consider it a gift from the universe showing you that peace is possible. And as you stand there and you look at that heart that all of a sudden the filter just showed to your conscious mind, I want you to feel a sense of peace. This is important because you show up differently in life when you are fueled by optimism and you're fueled by hope and you're fueled by this belief in yourself. When you have peace of mind in that, that's a very different experience of life than when you're driven by fear and doubt. That's why I'm telling you this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We all struggle with our mindset, and in moments of weakness, it's gonna be there again. But that's okay because you can search for hearts and you can tell yourself, "What if it all works out?" You can remind yourself that we're all a work in progress. You can look for wins every day instead of the things that went wrong. You can spend more time with people that make you feel good instead of chasing places you really don't like. All this is possible. And I want this for you, which is why I hope you'll try this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Simple reframes: if you don't feel good enough, you can be like, "I'm a work in progress. I can figure it out." I really hope you take this on. It's worth it because the happiest days of our lives are the road ahead of us. Truly, I want that for both of us. I've spent far too much time beating myself up and looking for what's wrong and searching for reasons to feel tortured or lonely and to stop myself. It's just horseshit. I'm so sick of it. And I'm sure you're sick of it too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm sharing all this because even though I teach this stuff, it's easy stuff to listen to or talk about. You got to put it into practice, and so do I. You got to catch yourself when the negativity starts. You got to knock this middle school shit off and start claiming your adult life because you do deserve to be happy. And even if you don't love yourself, I'll tell you what: I love you. Even if you don't believe in yourself, that's okay. I believe in you. And I'm going to keep on saying it until you catch up with me. Because I do believe that you can take the steps to reprogram your mind. You can take the steps to shut up that negativity in your head. You can take the steps to filter the world in an entirely new way and see how it's working to help you. It doesn't take a whole lot of time to create a better life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now go find a heart. I love you. Can you hear me, hon? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Okay, great. Got you. And I'm glad that you're a part of us. So I'm Mel Robbins. I'm glad you're a part of us. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. And I'm so glad that you are here with us. I'm going to take this off because I'm starting to sweat. Okay. Great. Okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me say one more thing. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
