--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm so glad that you're here with me. And I just want to thank you for making the Mel Robbins podcast one of the top podcasts in the entire world. And I also want to acknowledge you for taking the time and choosing to listen to something that can help you create a better life. I just think that's super cool.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you're going to love our conversation today. Do you ever feel like your life is a little bland? Kind of like you just know deep in your heart that things are fine, but you're just not living your best and most authentic life. I know I've certainly felt that way.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Today, you and I are going to throw out that rule book on how to live life according to everyone else. And we're going to focus on the key. The key to living your most authentic life is getting in touch with your true self. So how about you and I have a raw and honest conversation about how you do that? Because so many of us have it all wrong. And I have boiled it down to seven truths that you need to know in order to unlock your confidence to be your true self. And that's what you and I are talking about today.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, hello, dearest, gentle listeners. It is me, Lady Mel Robbins of Vermont Shire. Oh, my gosh. Today's episode is incredibly special because it's brought to you by Netflix. And I couldn't be more excited to have Netflix sponsoring this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Because first of all, one of my favorite shows is on Netflix. I'm talking about Bridgerton. Part one of Bridgerton season three is here. It is out now only on Netflix. And I got a sneak peek of season three and it has inspired absolutely everything that you and I are going to talk about today, about the art of being yourself and seven truths to unlocking your confidence.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I've totally immersed myself in the world of Bridgerton because I love this show. It has been a show that my daughters and I have bonded over over the past few years. I mean, we watched the entire first season together in one day when it premiered. And if you haven't seen Bridgerton, now's the perfect time to start because a new season, season three, just dropped. It has romance, passion, plot twists, turns, fabulous costumes, beautiful cinematography, and so many life lessons. And it also has everything that you and I love in a good drama: complex characters. And you and I love complex characters because you and I are complex characters too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, I'm not going to be spilling a lot of tea on the series, but this season explores a theme that you and I are going to talk about today, which is how do you become your true self? How do you show up in life when it's going to disappoint everyone's expectations if you live life your way?
--:-- Mel Robbins: This new third season, one of Bridgerton's main characters, Penelope Featherington, finds herself straddling two identities. To the outside world, she's just this quiet wallflower. She's always by herself. She's the one that no one takes any romantic interest in. But she has this second life where she is a scandalous gossip column author. It's like the TMZ of the Regency era. And everyone is reading and talking about what she writes. And there are only a few people who secretly know it's Penelope that's writing the column. So on one hand, here she is this wallflower that no men are interested in. And on the other hand, she's got all of society in the palm of her hands because she's writing the gossip column that everybody reads.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And guess what? This season, it all comes to a head. She's at a crossroad. Who does she want to be? Does she want to live the rest of her life living at home with her mother, writing this column in secret? Does she want to step into the spotlight? The big theme of this season is all about finding the courage and the confidence to be yourself. And I know you can relate because I'm sure you've had an experience in your life where there's some part of you that you've been hiding from everybody else, or you feel like you're getting passed over, no one notices you, or the moves you want to make are going to disappoint somebody else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, today, you and I are taking inspiration from Bridgerton Season 3, and we're talking about the seven truths that you need to know to unlock the confidence to be your authentic self. And these are the same truths, by the way, that Penelope is going to have to face as she figures out who she wants to be when she... Uh-oh, I almost spilled the spoilers there, and I said I wasn't going to do that. You shall have to watch and see. Part 1 of Bridgerton, Season 3, debuts May 16th, only on Netflix.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Today's episode on the art of being yourself and the seven truths on how to be your true, authentic self is inspired by the Bridgerton series, but it's going to be taught by me, your friend Mel. So let me get this big old wig off, but you know what? I think I'm going to leave the dress on because I think this is a pretty good color for me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So today I'm going to share seven truths about how you can be your most authentic self. Are you ready? Awesome. So am I. Let's go.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's the first truth about being your most authentic self. When you start putting yourself first, you're going to disappoint other people. It is inevitable. You have to learn how to be okay with it. Because if someone's going to be disappointed by the way that you're living your life, it better not be you. And I'm going to say that again. Someone is always going to be disappointed by the choices that you're making. But starting today, if you want to live a life that is true to you, it better not be you that is disappointed by the decisions that you're making. And there is no faster way to be disappointed with your life than living it in a way that makes other people happy, but you miserable.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Somebody will always be disappointed. And I can give you a bazillion examples from my own life. Like, for example, when I met my husband, Chris, I grew up in the Midwest. Chris's family is from the Northeast. My parents were not that thrilled. I mean, they liked Chris, but they had always hoped that I would marry somebody that would bring me back to the Midwest. And now, of course, that I'm a parent, I secretly hope that my three kids, that their partners keep them close to me. I get it. So they were really disappointed that I married somebody that had me build a life with him far away. But the truth is, it doesn't matter that they're disappointed because it's my life. I've got to learn if I want to live a life that is authentic to me, how to make decisions that make me happy and hold space for the people in my life that might be disappointed about it. And so are you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you plan to leave that corporate job and you want to take a risk and do that startup business, or you want to do something in the health space, guess who's going to question you? Everybody. Your partner might question you because they're worried about whether or not you're going to be successful. Your parents might question you because they're in a generation where you stayed in the corporate job forever. Your kids might be questioning you because they're worried about whether or not you're going to be traveling too much for this new thing that you're doing and whether or not you're going to be around. It's okay that people question you. Just don't let their questioning make you question the decisions that are the best decisions for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's another one. Let's say you want to start a new chapter. And part of that new chapter is that you're going to move across country. Are there going to be people in your life that are disappointed that you're leaving where you live now? Of course, they love you. Your friends don't want you to leave because they love being around you. Hold space for them to be disappointed, but don't you dare. Don't you dare let that stop you from doing what's authentic to you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And another one that you may struggle with, especially if you're a people pleaser and you being you is something that is going to require a lot of boundaries. When you start standing in your no and you're no longer a doormat, you better believe people are going to be disappointed because they are so used to taking advantage of you that this is a whole new you. They're not going to like the new you because the old you was a person that they got a lot of mileage out of, whether they realized it or not.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so I am here to tell you, to give you permission right here and now to say no. I am here to tell you that being the true you means that your mom might not like what you do. Your roommates may be upset about it, your significant other, your boss, all of it. But you've got to learn how to start speaking up for yourself. You've got to learn to say, "It's not my budget. I can't go on the girls trip. I'm not interested in another date. I'm not staying out late tonight. No, you're not borrowing that thing." All of these things are not only reasonable to say, they are necessary for you because you've got to learn how to let other people down to pick yourself up and to put yourself first.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You're not responsible for somebody else's reactions to what you're doing. You're responsible for making decisions that make you proud and make you happy. And the fact is, if taking care of yourself means you've got to let someone down, then let someone down. And I get it. This is going to be hard. This is hard for everybody. It's one of the reasons why being the most authentic version of yourself is one of the bravest things in the world to do, because you do have to learn how to let other people down. You do have to learn how to hold space for somebody to be disappointed or upset with the decisions that you're making when you know that these decisions actually are the right ones for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And right now, your comfort zone is not doing you any favors because people are walking all over you and you're pretending to like things you don't like and you're not speaking up for yourself. When you push yourself in this regard and you feel that discomfort, you're building resilience. And here's the really important part. It strengthens your sense of self. Because when you're a doormat or when you stay silent or when you make decisions because you're scared of disappointing people, you lose your sense of self, don't you? There's a little part of you that dies a little bit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so I want you to reframe the discomfort that you feel when you start to make decisions that feel good for you. And you also hold space for knowing that someone's going to be let down. Someone's going to be disappointed when you say no. Somebody is going to have a little reaction. You can hold space for that and still be true to yourself. Reframe this tension that you feel as a sign of growth. It's not a sign of failure. You're not failing anybody. You're actually succeeding in becoming yourself. Honor your feelings. Hold space for someone else's reaction. It's not your responsibility to manage it. They're an adult. Let them sit with their feelings. Your responsibility is to stay true to yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And there will always be somebody who is let down by the decisions that you're making. But starting today, it better not be you that's let down by the way that you're living your life. Because to be your true self, you are going to disappoint someone. Period. Learn to live with it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's the second truth about living your most authentic life and being your most authentic self. Being yourself is so energizing. And we forget that because it's easy to live a life where you're just going through the motions and you feel super depleted. And you know that this is true, that being yourself is energizing, because when you're pretending to be someone that you're not, it's exhausting. It's exhausting.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it's important to really highlight what I'm talking about here because I know that you're going to be listening and you're like, "But how do I know what's true? How do I know to trust my instincts? How do I know to trust my gut?" Yes, you do. You know exactly who you are. I'm going to repeat that. You know exactly who you are. And let me explain why. There is an energy that is associated with your true authentic self. An energy. You literally feel expanded when you are living in your truth. And oftentimes, simply knowing that the people that you're around, the life that you're leading, it is depleting your energy. That's how you know you're not being true to yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I want to really highlight something here. It takes courage to recognize that you're in a chapter of your life where you're not being true to yourself, where the people that you're around, where the time that you're spending, it's draining you. And I want to dive deeper into this and make sure that you have a very clear picture of what being authentic means and how empowering and energizing it is. And that term "authentic self," what does that even mean?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, let's bring in one of the world's leading experts, a psychologist by the name of Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She's appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast a number of times. And I want you to hear what she says about what it truly takes to be the most authentic you.
--:-- Dr. Ramani Durvasula: The hardest thing in the world is to be authentic, because to be authentic is to be unpopular. To be authentic is to blaze your own trail even when other people are cluck clucking at you and stigmatizing you and looking at you, giving you the side eye. Authentic people are very clear on their values, what they stand for, what matters for them. And so I'm not saying that authentic people don't feel guilt. They'll feel tremendous guilt, but they'll also feel committed to the potential within them and the people they care about. And to say, "Ultimately giving into this person's abuse is not doing honestly me any favors for sure. It's not doing my kids any favors. It's not doing the people I care about any favors." And it's actually not doing them any favors because it's reinforcing them in this sick cycle. And I don't want to be part of this.
--:-- Dr. Ramani Durvasula: So we've got to get away from the idea that authenticity is easy. Authenticity, authentic people actually often have smaller social networks than other people because they've culled away all the dead weight. They've cleared away all the branches that are dead. They said, "No, I will not have people around me that are unhealthy, that are invalidating." It is a brave stand and it's not an easy stand. And some people say authentic people are selfish. They're cold. They're uppity. They'll really paint them like, "Oh, who do you think you are that you get to do that?" And all the authentic person is doing is trying to draw a boundary.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want to repeat a few things that really struck me about what Dr. Ramani said. That being authentic is one of the hardest things in the world. And the reason why that's true is because you've got to be willing to disappoint people and you've got to be willing to put yourself first. And I love that she kept using the words brave and courageous and that authentic people know what they stand for and they have a healthy circle surrounding them. And oftentimes it's a small circle. And that was a huge takeaway for me because I think what happens when you start to put yourself first and you are willing to disappoint people and you start to pay attention to your energy, where is it that you feel energized? Where do you feel depleted in your life? Your energy is telling you who's draining you and who's not.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I have found personally that the more that I live my life aligned with what is right for me, the smaller and smaller my friend group gets because you start to value the type of people and situations that bring you energy. It's sort of like you could think about it this way. Energy is the truth teller here when it comes to what's authentic to you. And when you're in a situation that is aligned with who you actually are and what you value, it's almost like you can plug into a light socket and you feel energized and lit up by the people around you or what you're doing. And the same is true about being in the wrong situation or the wrong room. You've had those experiences, right? Where you walk in and you're all feeling confident and alive and all this stuff. And then all of a sudden, whoop, pull the plug out of the socket because I don't feel any energy right here.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that's what Dr. Ramani means when she says it's one of the hardest things in the world because you have to start to pay attention when you want to live as your true self to what spaces, places, and people restrict your energy and what places, spaces, and people expand your energy. Because you do have a life force energy. And when you are living your life in a way that is true to who you actually are, you do come alive. It's rocket fuel for your soul. It propels you forward. It gives you a sense of purpose and passion, and it can make you unstoppable.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I know what you're thinking. "Okay, Mel, that's great. I get it. I can think of situations where I've been around people that drain my life force energy and I was a doormat and a people pleaser and I was not myself. I get it. I also know the few people in my life where I feel like I can be myself. But how do I do this? How do I start to be and live as my true self?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, let's find the energy because the energy doesn't lie. I'm going to give you some questions to really think about. Where in your life do you feel the most energized and excited and expansive? I want you to really think about that. Are there certain people that when their name just pops up on your phone, you're like, "Oh," something opens up. Are there ways that you're spending your time that you just get lost in time because you just enjoy doing it so much? What really makes you come alive? Who excites you? What are the things in your life that you look forward to?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if you can't think about anything, you're so drained by your life, you're so off track, I want you to think back to your childhood or think back to a point in your life where you were just happier. You felt more energized. You had more to look forward to. And ask yourself, what was I doing when I was happier? Maybe you were on a soccer team when you were in college and you were often with groups of friends exercising or training. Could you add that back in now by joining a gym? Could you sign up for a 5K? Could you get a bunch of friends to go for a hike this weekend?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe when you were younger, you spent hours drawing. You would just get lost in a puzzle or playing cards or creating intricate worlds or fascinating movies in your mind or these little claymation animation things that you would make at the dining room table. Or maybe you were building things. You were happiest when you were remodeling your house yourself and painting every room after work. Maybe you were writing or playing with animals or making people laugh with your hilarious sense of humor and taking an improv class.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That thing that made you happy, that thing that made you come alive, that's the starting point to opening up to more happiness, to more of your true self. And it might just mean something small, putting spirituality or meditation back into your life. Whatever it is that makes you feel more energized and more expanded, more like yourself. Wouldn't it be great to feel more like yourself? That's what I'm talking about.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because when you get honest with yourself about what uniquely makes you feel like you, and you start to take the little actions that insert little bits of happiness, little bits of you, things that are right in front of your face, back into your life right now, your true self comes to the surface. When you pick up the pen, when you start doing the creative projects, when you go back to church, when you start training for that 5K, when you get out into the woods every weekend, that's what's going to make you feel like you. And look, because you're not doing it right now, it might not feel that easy to do. But I promise you, this is exactly what you need to do. And it is so much easier than trying to be like everybody else.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to reclaim your life force energy back for yourself and start building a life that feels more authentically like you. And that's truth number two. Being yourself is energizing. And when you stop pretending to be somebody else and you start allowing yourself to just live your life in a way that makes you feel more expanded, well, that's going to make you more confident. And that brings me to truth number three.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Being yourself creates confidence. Because the more that you pretend to be somebody that you're not, the more that you pretend to like things that you don't really like to do, the more self-doubt, fear, and paralysis that you're going to feel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I recently had this epiphany. I am a member of a family where everybody in my family loves to ski. And for years, I've pretended that I like to ski. And you want to know the truth? I don't like to ski. I really don't. And I finally said to my family this winter, "You know what, guys? I love that we're a ski family, but I'm not a ski family person. And so you guys can ski, but I'm not going to really ski anymore. And I don't really feel the pressure to ski." And I want to tell you something. It was so liberating. Were they disappointed? Of course, because they want me out on the slopes with them. I don't want to do it. It doesn't bring me any joy. And I'm so done pretending to like things that I don't actually like.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so that's a simple example of how liberating it is and how much more confidence that you feel when you give yourself permission to just be you. And I'm going to give you another example. And this is really important because this one crosses into your professional life. And so I'm going to tell you a story from a couple decades ago when I was in law school. Believe it or not, check this out. Back in the early 90s, women did not wear pants when they worked in a large law firm. Like, not allowed to wear pants. How freaking bizarre is that? Well, that was just the way that it was.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the thing is, when you talk about being your authentic self, I was just never a gal to wear a pencil skirt to work. First of all, you can't sit in them. I can't walk in them either. Secondly, it's just not my thing. I'm in my third year of law school where everybody's panic-stricken about getting a job and you're applying to jobs and all of these big firms are coming to the campus to interview you, to hire you for jobs so that when you graduate, you have a job. And so I go to the mall and I go to Ann Taylor and I buy this navy blue pantsuit. It had this big, wide belt. It was just smoking awesome, especially for the early 90s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm all dressed up to walk into my interviews and I walk up the stairs to the main hall at Boston College Law School for my first interview. And as I'm walking up the stairs, a friend of mine is walking down the stairs and he's like, "Are you wearing that to the interview? Have you lost your mind, Mel? You know you're not going to get hired if you're wearing pants." And I said, "Yeah, no one I would want to work for."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here are the facts. Wearing a pair of pants meant that 95% of the places that I interviewed for, they didn't offer me a job. But I'm going to tell you what, I think it's the smartest move that you could make in life to be yourself. And remember what Dr. Ramani said, it is also the bravest and one of the hardest things that you can do to be authentic because it means you have to stand on your own at some times. And what that means for me is that it meant that I not only got to wear pants to work when I did finally get hired somewhere, but I got to work at a place where I could be myself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, just imagine the alternative where you have to walk into a job every day where you not only can't wear the kind of clothes that you like, but you don't feel like you can be yourself. I've had jobs like that. I'm sure you have too. How does it feel to sit at a job where you can't be yourself? It's draining.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So wherever it is in your life that you're feeling afraid or full of doubt, or you're feeling drained and you're sitting there wearing a skirt and you wish you were wearing pants, I'm going to tell you something. You're not showing up as your authentic self. And the mistake that you're making is the mistake that I made for a long time. You're waiting for confidence so that you can change this. And I am here to tell you, confidence is waiting for you to show up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I know this is easier said than done. This is what Dr. Ramani was saying when she says this is the hardest thing to do, to be your authentic self. It takes bravery because you're not going to feel like it. You're going to feel a little bit scared when you first start showing up as yourself and making decisions that really align with you and prioritizing your time and your energy to the things that really make you feel expanded.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here is the definition backed by research and science of what confidence actually is. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is an action. Confidence is the willingness to try. That is your new definition of confidence. I'm going to say it again. Confidence is the willingness to try. So even when you're full of doubt, if you move ahead and you do it anyway, you are building confidence.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the other thing I want you to understand is that confidence is not just something that some people are born with, something that some people aren't. That's not how this rolls. Confidence is something that you build every single day. Because again, let's go back to the definition. Confidence is the willingness to try. It's not a personality trait. It is a skill. And this is fantastic news. Because if it's a skill, it means you can practice this skill and you can build confidence. Because every time you try, you become more confident in who you're becoming. And that's the truth about life. It's that simple.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Being yourself creates confidence. And that ties into this definition. I want you to try more. I want you to be brave because every time you start to show up as yourself, the confidence is going to build. And look, if you have trouble pushing yourself to try new things, if you have trouble wearing the pants to the interview, if you have trouble putting yourself out there and speaking up and taking risks, here's a quick hack that you can use. It helps to find a partner to practice this with. So who could that person be in your life? This little confidence pusher person. Do you have a very positive roommate? Do you have a brother or a sister or a cousin? Do you have an old friend? Do you have a buddy at work? Somebody that is going to push you a little bit out of your comfort zone. Somebody that is willing to get on board, to help you try some new things, to take some risks, to encourage you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And look, if you don't have somebody like that in your corner, just imagine that I'm there because I'm always in your corner. You can imagine, "Well, what would Mel say right now as you're getting dressed for the interview?" You know what I would say? Wear the pants. If you feel like yourself in the pants, wear the pants. Stop pretending that you're not that person. Be yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so if you're somebody that wants to put yourself out there more, practice going up to people and talking about the business that you're launching. And if you don't have that cousin or that sibling or that roommate that's like, "Come on, get over there, get over there," just imagine that your friend Mel Robbins is there going, "Come on, sign up for that 5K. Come on, let's go, let's go." I'll be the one that's whispering, "We can do it, you can do it." I'm going to be right there by your side.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because the third truth about living your most authentic life and being your true self is that when you start acting like you, the real you, it creates confidence. There are four more that you and I are going to cover, but I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsor, Netflix. And you're going to want to stick around because let me tell you, the sixth truth, oh, it's the one I know you really need to hear. Stay with me.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Dearest gentle readers, Bridgerton is back and the town is buzzing with the latest Whistledown scandal. And I know a little bit about the latest scandal because I've watched the entire third season thanks to the early screening. Thank you, Netflix. Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil anything, but I have to tell you at least some things to get you pumped up to watch season three.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's how the new season is starting off. Penelope is ready to move out of her family home. And to do that, she needs to find a husband. But in order to get a husband, Penelope might be forced to give up her secret identity as the gossip column writer. Now, I was cheering for Penelope, and so will you. And the suspense had me on the edge of my seat. You're going to be on the edge of your seat too. She wants to find love and she wants to keep writing her secret column.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And as I'm watching her struggle with this conflict, I'm asking myself, how can she have it all when she's living two lives? Penelope just started finding herself and her voice through Lady Whistledown, that secret identity as a gossip column writer, which I love. But now she wants to just give it all up. If she also wants to find love, I could see it in her face. She's not ready to give this part of her life up. She's just discovered herself through all this writing. She's not ready to give up the power that she's found in it, but she wants love. Is Penelope's secret identity as Lady Whistledown going to destroy any possible chance at love that she has? Can she really have it all? Her passion, her love, marriage, all three?
--:-- Mel Robbins: You shall have to watch and see. Part one of Bridgerton season three debuts May 16th, only on Netflix.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about the big seven truths on living confidently as your true authentic self. Now, you've already learned the first three truths. Number one, when you start putting yourself first, you're going to disappoint people. That's okay. You got to learn how to do that. Number two, being yourself is energizing. And you know that's true because trying to not be yourself, that is draining. And truth number three, you got to learn to be yourself first because that's what creates the confidence. Don't sit around waiting for the confidence. You got to break through the self-doubt by being yourself and you're going to see your confidence building.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, here's the fourth truth to being your true self: loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with other people. I mean, think about that. How could you feel good enough for someone else if you're not even good enough for yourself? And there's a lot of research that really is going to help you understand this. Research shows that in order to create better relationships, check this out: you don't change the person that you're dating. You have to change yourself. That's why the art of being yourself is going to require you to learn how to truly love yourself. It's almost as if loving yourself is the loudest love language there is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Research has found that in a romantic relationship, who you are has a much bigger effect than the match between you and somebody else. I'm going to say that again: who you are has a much bigger effect than the match between you and your partner. I want you to listen to this study because it shows that the quality of your relationships will not change until you change. This is based on an eight-year-long study that showed that people had the same dynamics in new partnerships as they had in past broken relationships. After the glow of the initial honeymoon dating phase had faded, same exact dynamics as the old broken relationships.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Dr. Matthew Johnson from the University of Alberta, who's a relationship researcher and lead author on the study, said this: "Although some relationship dynamics may change, you are still the same person. So you likely recreate many of the same patterns with the next partner." So here's what that research means for you. It doesn't matter if your partner is one of the best people in the world. If you're insecure, if you have a poor self-image, if you have a terrible relationship with yourself, if you have low self-worth, you're not going to be able to connect with that person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, I bet you've had experiences in your past where you have dated somebody who's absolutely awesome and you're the one sabotaging things. That was me all through high school, college, and law school. I dated really great people. But here's the problem: I hated myself. And instead of learning how to love myself, you know what I did? I just kept changing the person that I was with. It was a great distraction in the beginning. But then ultimately, guess what happens when all the newness wears off? Hello, you're still there with your same broken relationship with yourself. And it wasn't until I started to change myself that I was able to create better relationships with other people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you're sitting there looking around on all the dating apps or looking around outside yourself for the validation and love that you need, you're looking in the wrong place. Based on the research and common sense, you got to look in the mirror. In fact, I mean it literally. I want you to start your day by looking in the mirror and doing something very specific to improve the relationship that you have with yourself. This is something that I'm going to teach you called the High Five Habit. I've written an entire international bestselling book about this, and it uses a field of research called neurobics, which is the fastest proven way to reprogram old thinking patterns.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And let's face it, hating yourself, telling yourself you're not good enough, treating yourself like garbage — that is an old, outdated thinking pattern. We got to reboot your mind. We got to update the way that you talk to yourself and treat yourself. So I'm going to teach you how to use a simple hand gesture with a brand new thought to reprogram the way that you look at yourself, that you treat yourself, and it's going to help you love yourself. This is called the High Five Habit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, my research team and I have now tested this free and simple habit with over 175,000 people who have tried it for five days, and the results are incredible. You are going to change how you feel about yourself, which is what the research says that you have to do. Love yourself first. And here's how you're going to practice it. Every single morning after you're done brushing your teeth, you're going to look yourself in the mirror and you're simply going to high five your own reflection in the mirror to send yourself into the day.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm not kidding. I know it sounds ridiculous. It sounds cheesy, but every single morning, brush your teeth, put your toothbrush down, look yourself in the mirror, and then you're going to raise your hand and high five yourself. And here's what's crazy: you are going to feel the impact immediately. And after practicing this for five days, simply adding a high five in the mirror to yourself without saying a thing before you send yourself into the day, it changes how you see yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the reasons why this works is this: a high five is what's called an anaerobic exercise. An aerobic exercise makes your brain snap into attention. It creates this kind of brain fertilizer that makes your brain learn new habits faster. They are one of the easiest and most powerful ways to create new pathways and connections in your brain. And they have three specific parts. First of all, you take a routine activity, like brushing your teeth in the morning and looking in the mirror, and you then pair it with something unexpected, like all of a sudden high-fiving yourself. You don't do that every morning, so your brain's not expecting that. And the third and final piece to this based on the research is it's paired with an emotion or thought that you'd like to feel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now here's where this habit gets super exciting. Let's think about a high five. What does a high five represent? A high five is a positive gesture that says, "I love you. I support you. I see you. Keep going." Your brain knows what a high five is. A high five is 1000% positive programming. I mean, you have been giving other people high fives your entire life. You have been showing them the love. You've been celebrating them. And so when you high five yourself, it triggers celebratory and encouraging emotions to flood your body. The heightened aerobic state of high fiving yourself creates new nerve connections in your brain that connect the action of high fiving with the emotion of celebration. So every time you high five yourself, you aim all that high five goodness and positive programming right back at your own reflection. How freaking cool is that?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, you would high five the person that you love in the morning, wouldn't you? So now you're doing it to yourself. And trust me when I tell you this: when you try this five mornings in a row, start your day with a high five in the mirror, you'll not only experience a boost in the moment, but over time, something awesome happens. This neurobic exercise rewires your mindset for more resilience, which is one of the most powerful benefits of a high five.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I know, I know, I know. It sounds simple, but this cuts so deep. And you don't need to believe me. You just need to try it for five days and see what happens. I mean, what do you have to lose? If you now know, based on the research, that loving yourself first is the most important factor in you having loving relationships with other people, why wouldn't you try something for free? This works. It's grounded in science. And loving yourself first is how you create true and lasting love with other people in your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Let's talk about the fifth truth of being your true self. And here it is: learn to love what is unique about you because there is nothing authentic about constantly trying to fit in. [Sound of tapping a teacup] I'm continuing to hit my teacup here. And here's what is scary about the times that we live in. Our friends on Bridgerton did not have to deal with social media. They just felt the fear of FOMO and the pressure to conform when they went into a ball. But for you and me, it is in our face, on our phones with social media all day long. It is so easy to feel pressure to be just like everybody else, to wear the latest outfit, to follow the latest trend, to be drinking the right brand of whatever, to be wearing our hair a certain way. It's almost like we all are now running toward the same thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, even just take something as simple as an engagement ring. Why does everybody have to have a diamond? I mean, diamonds aren't the only gems that sparkle. Every gem does. That sparkle is your uniqueness. And it's everywhere. And a lot of times it's in the things that you don't appreciate about yourself — the way that you laugh, how you put everybody at ease, or the serious amount of time that you take when picking out your ice cream flavor. I mean, even the line behind you is now a mile long. You are taking it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is my husband, Chris, by the way. He always does it. "Can I have a sample of this? Can I have a sample of this?" And I'm sitting there thinking, why are you having a sample when I know exactly what you're going to order? And then he ultimately orders black raspberry ice cream with chocolate chips. And here's the thing: it used to drive me crazy, but now I love it about him. And honestly, when I think about it, that's the kind of unique thing about Christopher Robbins because that's how he goes through everything in his life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, I was just traveling with Chris and our son Oakley this weekend and we were moving through the airport and I kept turning to our son Oakley going, "Where is your father?" Because Chris was nowhere to be seen. And Oakley would turn to me like, "Oh, you know him. He's just strolling around, taking it all in." Chris just moves at a different pace. Here he is, I don't know where in the airport, and I'm already through security. I've gotten a coffee. I'm ready to board at the gate. Chris is probably still talking to the guy at the TSA, getting to know him, hearing about how his day was going. And I just love that about Chris.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So what is the thing about you that you've been hating on or you've been making yourself wrong? What if you could learn to love it? Your height, your freckles, or that you'd rather be the one listening and taking it all in and behind the scenes? You don't need to be the center of attention. What if you celebrated that? Or maybe you're the one who isn't willing to settle for somebody who isn't willing to say, "Well, good enough is good enough for me," or a job that's kind of "eh, it pays the bills." No, celebrate the fact that you're always looking for more just because there's something about that that makes you come alive. All that stuff is your sparkle.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's the cool thing about focusing on what makes you unique. When you're not so focused on fitting in and being like everybody else, you don't feel so competitive. It's almost as if by recognizing what's unique about you, you start to see what's unique about everybody. And suddenly there's room for everybody. No comparison, no judgment, just admiration for everybody's sparkle all around. You're allowing space for your authenticity and for everybody else's authenticity without doing all that competitive crap that makes us feel superior in the moment but keeps you feeling insecure and afraid of judgment. Because if you're busy judging other people, you know that subconsciously they're doing that to you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This not only is going to help you learn how to appreciate and love all the many facets that make up you, but it will also help you appreciate and love all the many facets that make up the people that you love. And instead of trying to change someone else — like I'm not going to speed Chris up through the airport, I'm not going to change his ice cream order or how he does it. It's not my job to turn him into somebody that he's not. You know what my job is in a relationship? It's to learn how to admire and love what is unique about somebody else. To give someone else the space to express what is unique about them. No comparison, no judgment, just admiration all around. Because when you remember that all gems sparkle, you'll also see more beauty than you ever could before.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings us to truth number six. What you think about your life matters way more than what other people think about it. And it is high time, if you want to live your most authentic life and be your truest self, for you to care more about what you think and feel than how other people feel about it. Because you will never, ever, ever live a life that you're meant to live if you're constantly worried about what other people are thinking, or if you're worried about whether or not they're going to judge you. And as I said earlier, they're going to. People are going to be disappointed no matter what you do. Let them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the tool here that you need to be yourself is my "Let Them" theory. Just let them. Let them judge. Let them be disappointed. Let them say what they're going to say. Let them not invite you. Let them do what they're going to do or not do. It will literally free you. When you let other people say what they're going to say and you do not make it your concern to waste your time and energy trying to manage it, but instead you take your power back and you turn all that time and energy back on you and you flip it back to yourself and you say, "You know what? Let them say what they're going to say. Let me live my life. Let me be myself. Let me do what makes me happy. Let me spend my Friday night or my weekend or next year putting myself first." When you do that, you unlock a level of confidence and freedom that you have never felt in your entire life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this is not about not caring about what other people think, because of course you kind of care. It's about learning how to care more about what makes you happy. Of course you care — that's why you've let other people's opinions bother you so long. But here's one thing I'm going to hit you with. When you use my "Let Them" theory, you're going to learn that two things can be true at the same time. Other people can have their opinions about you, and they can still love you. Other people can question or be critical of what you're doing, and they can still be your friend.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if you stop and think about it, you feel that way about other people. I mean, just think about your own family. How many times do people that you love do things that you do not like? In my household, it's daily. That does not change the fact that I still love my family like crazy. In fact, I think your family teaches you how to love somebody that you don't actually like all the time, right? Two things can be true at once. You can have an opinion about what somebody's doing and still care about them and love them. So give yourself the same grace that you're giving everyone else in your life. Let them have their opinions, and then remind yourself to let me live my life, because my happiness, my authenticity is my responsibility. And I would rather spend my time and energy managing that than managing people's opinions about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the final and seventh truth. So many of you write to me and say, "Mel, can I truly have it all?" And here's truth number seven: yes, you can have it all, but not all at once. Look, I know how it feels to have a dream that never seems to materialize. I know how it feels to sacrifice your dream for everyone else's and think, "Is it ever going to be my turn? Is it ever going to be my turn? Am I ever going to be able to do what I want?" And so when you ask me, "Can I truly have it all?" as your friend, I would never tell you that you cannot have it if you're willing to work for it. I believe that you can create absolutely anything in your life, period. But it takes confidence and it takes living your life authentically to have it all.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this is a really important thing. See, I think you're meant to discover who you truly are. And life holds back what you're meant to achieve until you start aligning your life with who you truly are. There is an exchange here and you got to show up. This is why, remember rule number three, you got to act like yourself because it creates confidence. You got to be the first one to move. And then life has this magical way of showing up and aligning and supporting the direction that you move in when you're moving in congruency with what energizes you. Because nothing will derail you faster than feeling like you can't keep it all together, that you're not pursuing what truly matters to you. And the reason why that happens is because you actually have your life organized where everybody else comes first. You're not paying attention to the little things that make you feel more like you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that's why you need to hear me say when I say, yeah, you can have it all, but not all at once. And here's what I mean by that. Get serious about the many facets of your life, because you are a multifaceted, sparkly person that has a lot going on. And then pick a theme that you're going to work on for six months at a time. And by a theme, I mean, this is your number one. This is the facet we're going to focus on. And there have been times in my life when my career was more important than the time I was spending at home. There was a time in my life when my social life was way more important than school or my career. There have been times where there was nothing more important on this planet than the people that I love.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So pick a theme right now for the next six months of what your top priority in your life is going to be. When you think about your most authentic self, what do you want to focus on as the number one thing for the next six months? This is the thing that's going to bring you the most expansion, the thing that really needs your attention, the thing that makes you feel like you are finally taking that internal spotlight and shining it on what matters most to you. Because you can have it all, but not all at once. And if you get clear about what the number one thing is that you're pushing forward, here's what's really interesting: as you create space for that number one facet, and that's what you're going to shine your attention on, something interesting happens. All of a sudden, it creates little pockets of time to work on all the other things too. You can have it all, but not all at once.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. How are you feeling right now? I feel pretty good. Are you ready to go and live your life for you? Are you ready to point yourself in a more true and authentic direction to feel more energized? I know you are. So let me quickly recap the seven truths.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number one, when you start putting yourself first, you're going to disappoint other people. I want you to expect it. You got to learn how to be okay with it. Because when you don't live a life that is true to you, you're disappointing yourself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number two, being yourself is so energizing and that's your GPS. There is nothing more depleting in life than pretending you're somebody that you're not. Stop doing it. Pay attention to where your life is draining you and start adding in the small things during the day that make you come alive. It is magical how it creates so much positive energy in your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Truth number three, being yourself creates confidence. So stop sitting around waiting for the doubt to go away. That self-doubt is blocking the real you. You have to be willing to try. You have to be willing to push yourself. You have to be willing to move toward what is energizing and disappoint other people, and the confidence will build.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Truth number four, loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with other people. So for the next five days, I want you to prove to yourself every single morning after you brush your teeth, I want you to high five yourself in the mirror as an act of love to prove to yourself that you are serious about changing your relationship with yourself and being more loving. Because when you love yourself first, you create true and lasting love with other people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Truth number five, learn to love what is unique about you. Instead of ignoring it or trying to change it, embrace it. No judgment, just all kinds of admiration. It is a simple trick that changes everything.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Truth number six, what you think and feel about your life matters way more than what other people are going to think about it. Look, people are going to have their opinions, but your opinion about what you're doing is the most important one to care about.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And finally, number seven, you can have it all when you are your true self, just not all at once. So pick that number one facet of your life that you're going to focus on for the next six months and wake up every day and make sure that you are adding something in that allows you to feel the energy that comes when you know deep in your heart that you are spending time every day doing something that makes you feel more like you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And with these seven truths as your guide, you will feel more confident, more courageous, and you now know the secret to living a more authentic life. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be the first to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life by living it as your truest self. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for spending time with me today.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also want to thank Netflix, the sponsor of today's show, because one of my favorite shows on Netflix is back. Part one of Bridgerton season three is here and it inspired everything that you and I talked about today and the seven truths to unlocking your authentic self. Now is the perfect time for you to find a place on the couch, grab your friends or loved ones, and watch and see how Penelope Featherington steps into her light and her true self. And to see how she's gained confidence through her writing and voice as the secret author of the Lady Whistledown gossip column.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, I've been cheering for Penelope since season one of the show, and now in Bridgerton's third season, she finally has her moment in the spotlight. She's becoming brave enough to put herself out there and pursue love. But will that be enough? Or did she wait too long? Does Penelope have it all in the end? Does she find true love while staying true to herself and pursuing her passions? Or will she be forced to put those things on the shelf? You're going to have to watch and find out for yourself. Part 1 of Bridgerton Season 3 debuts May 16th, only on Netflix.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Bingo presto. I'm back 300 years. Here we go. [Sound of adjusting glasses] And I borrowed Ben Franklin's glasses. Okay. This new third season, one of Bridgerton's main characters, Penelope Featherington, finds herself straddling two identities. Excuse me. Lady Mel Robbins of Vermontshire. [Laughs] And had a big lunch. Okay. [Sound of knocking over a glass] Oh my god. Okay. Whoa, I just knocked over my tea glass. This was so... [Sound effect] Sounds like me farting. Okay. Great. Okay, that's a wrap.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
