--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's Mel and welcome to an impromptu "jump on the mic" people episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's frickin' do this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God, you guys, I have something I have to talk to you about: making your life as an adult as fun as summer camp and how to make adult friends using coffee shops in your neighborhood.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Awesome. Okay. Yes. But first, I came from a coffee shop. Can we talk about this fricking pastry that I brought? It's gorgeous. I love a pastry, everybody. I exercise simply to eat a 10,000 calorie pastry. Yeah. Yeah. Look at it. Well, it's worth it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Most of you don't know this, but I have a love affair with pastries because my grandparents, Betty and Frank Schneeberger.
--:-- Amy: [Laughing] What are you laughing about?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm laughing at my fricking name. It is a funny name. And also you act like, "Oh, you know, Betty and Frank Schneeberger. Yeah. Right down the road." Like it's a very funny thing.
--:-- Amy: Well, they're no longer...
--:-- Mel Robbins: They're under the ground and up in heaven. No, I'm sure. Yeah. No, but they sound folksy, like people we would like to be friends with. I would like to eat a pastry with them.
--:-- Mel Robbins: They are salt of the earth. My grandfather immigrated here from Austria at the age of 15. He was in the Navy. My grandmother grew up in a coal mining town in Ohio. They met because she was shipped off from the coal mining town to become a maid for some rich family based on a newspaper ad. When he got out of the Navy, they started working in a bakery in Chatham, New Jersey. My grandfather was the baker. Ultimately, over the years, they bought out the owner and they were the Chatham Bakery people. This is, by the way, why I never saw them, because they ran a bakery by themselves. When you run a bakery, you're running a bakery. So I always think about my grandparents when I see a great pastry. So I love pastries.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's the breakthrough that I had. When I first moved to this tiny ass town a couple years ago now — I've lived here full time now for about a year — when I first moved here, I hated it. I was lonely. I had no friends other than you two. And you two are amazing, but I'm sorry. It's kind of lame if your only friends are from work, right?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I hated it here. Today, I realized that I have had a life-changing breakthrough. I woke up today and I feel like I live in adult summer camp.
--:-- Amy: That's awesome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I woke up, I rolled out of bed, I had my glass of water, I made my bed, and then I checked my phone. Amy, you and David Gerbitz were already texting like school girls. We were at 5:30 in the morning. You're like, "Who's up?" And you're texting photos of the view this morning. And then you're like, "Who wants to do something? Is Amy pulling a card? Are we going for a walk? What's happening?" And then you said, "Mel, get in here." And that was the last text I wrote. I was like, "Here? What do you mean 'in here'?" And then I realized you were talking about just get in the text chat and talk to us.
--:-- Amy: Well, we were up before the bugle, you know, at camp. We were just up and we're like-minded in that way. We're all up early in the morning, doing our thing, getting our day started. So I was like, "Mel, get in here. What have you got to say?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God. And I felt this like, "Oh, I have friends." I have friends that are having fun that want me to have fun. Oh my God. And it just was this moment. As I was reflecting on this this morning, I thought, how did I get here? How did I get from being new to a tiny community, feeling so depressed and lonely, being worried that I had made a huge mistake by leaving a place that I had been for a very long time, convincing myself I would never find people like people have in college or at summer camp where you're just having fun and doing life together? And here I am, and I've created it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I realize the point of the episode today is to get you to consider that it is within your power to create an experience as an adult where your life feels like summer camp, where your friendships are really fun, where you wake up to text chains, where friends are already talking. And that's what's happened. And oddly enough, it has to do a lot with coffee shops.
--:-- Amy: I can't wait to hear this. Let's do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Okay, great. And I just need to also say that there are people outside doing all kinds of work around here. There are tractors, there are stone walls that are getting built, there is pavement going in today. So you're going to hear some stuff.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And we're not going to edit it out because the whole point of the Mel Robbins podcast is that we're doing life together and we're putting our arm around you and taking you on that walk with us. Along with all the brawny men outside.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're jumping on the mic. I want to inspire you today to think about the next 12 months of your life and the breakthrough that is available to you if you start to show up differently and get super intentional about creating fun with friends, meeting new people, and putting yourself out there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God, there's a friend of mine. Oh my God. It's a friend of mine calling like on cue. Gretchen.
--:-- Gretchen: [On phone] Mel?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes, you're on the podcast. We were just talking about friendship and how it feels like summer camp here. And then you called.
--:-- Gretchen: Oh, I'm so glad I called too. I'll call you back when you're done with your podcast.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, but just tell everybody how miserable I was a year ago.
--:-- Gretchen: Well, you thought you had no friends. You did have friends and you were depressed and you were a sad sack, but you had friends and you were loved. You just didn't feel it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, whoa. Drop the mic.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, wow. Exactly. Okay. She sounds like the camp counselor this morning.
--:-- Gretchen: Yes. Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, my love. I'll call you later. Bye.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, okay. Maybe we should start there. Like maybe you do have friends and you're not letting them in. Amy, I'm looking at you.
--:-- Amy: Yeah, I believe it. You're looking at me because I just said that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. Just yesterday, Amy turned to me and was like, "I need to find my friend group." I'm like, "Bitch, I'm in your friend group. What are you talking about?"
--:-- Amy: I thought about that. I told my husband, Tim, about that. He was like, "That is probably the rudest thing you could ever say to somebody. 'I need friends' while looking at a room full of people that are like your contacts. Not you. Not you. I mean, real friends."
--:-- Mel Robbins: No, I know. No, it's true.
--:-- Amy: But you know what that points to though, Mel, is I was feeling a little sad. Why? Because I was looking at life through the lens of, "I don't have any friends." I was literally telling the person, you, that I am friends with, "Well, I don't have any friends." How lame is that? I was thinking about that moment and how I changed my mindset on that and how you were kind of like, "All right, listen, this ends here if you're not going to consider me a good friend." I thought about it and I thought, why do I feel like that? It's just a habit to feel like that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. And I also think that as an adult, there is a major change in mindset that you need to make. Interestingly, Gretchen clearly called at the exact right time to make sure that we talked about this. It's kind of uncanny because when you're growing up, so much of your friendships are orchestrated through teams and classes that you're in, through people that live on your hallway or people that you work with. They are made for you through proximity. But the older that you get, the more intentional you need to be about causing those bump-ins and causing reasons to get together.
--:-- Mel Robbins: As life gets busier, as you get older, as people move away, as people go through different life experiences — whether it's a change in a job, an ending of a marriage, a breakup, or whatever, or start having kids or get a ton of dogs — your friendships change because you stop seeing people so much. But here's the mistake that I made: I stopped thinking that the people that I didn't see as much were my friends. We associate the amount of times you see somebody with whether or not they're actually a friend of yours. I am here to make you think differently on a number of levels, because these are big breakthroughs that I had.
--:-- Mel Robbins: A year ago, when I was a sad sack, lonely, "I got no friends" bitch. I remember it. I was so sad.
--:-- Amy: Amy's favorite story about me is like the definition of pathetic.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, well, you had just moved into this house and it is a gorgeous home and your surroundings are fantastic. And yet you're crying your eyes out. And like Gretchen said, super sad sack. I was trying to cheer you up. I said, "Mel, what do you think you'll do with the landscaping here?" Knowing that you love flowers, I said, "Do you think you're maybe going to plant some hydrangea here or peonies that you love?" And you said, "I don't know. I'll probably just leave it all dirt."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what do we know who's outside today? We're planning. Yeah. A year later, here I am planning peonies, hydrangeas, and tons of hosta. Here, this is an important part because when it comes to loneliness and friendship, it doesn't matter how nice your car is. It doesn't matter how good your job is. It doesn't matter how much money you have or you don't have. If you tell yourself the story that nobody likes you, or that all your friends are gone, or that you're the only one that doesn't have a friend group, or you can't have any fun, or you'll never have fun again, you will stay stuck there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The truth is your friends didn't go anywhere. I am convinced, and I need you to hear this loud and clear: every single adult right now is having a friendship crisis. You believe that your friends are having this wild party and you're not invited. And it's not true. Every single time I talk about this topic with anybody, they chime in and say, "I feel the exact same way. I feel like I never see my friends. I feel lonely. I'm not having as much fun as I would like to have."
--:-- Mel Robbins: I got so sick and tired of going, "I'm just going to live with dirt. I'm not going to plan anything." Then I said, "Woman, if you want to have more fun, if you want friends, you got to put your ass out there again." You have to cause it, just like if I want plants to grow, I got to plant the seeds. I got to split the hosta. I got to stick them in the ground. I want to inspire you today to think differently about friendship. I want today to be the day that you turn the corner and you start to plant those seeds, because you can wake up a year from now and go, "Holy guacamole, my life feels like camp." I have a lot of friends. I'm having fun again. And they're on-purpose friends.
--:-- Amy: What is an on-purpose friend?
--:-- Mel Robbins: An on-purpose friend is somebody that you deliberately wanted to be friends with and made that friendship happen. Not on-purpose would be work friends or friends that you maybe do some kind of sporting activity with. It's not because you're a friend group first. It's just the sport. They're an acquaintance kind of person.
--:-- Amy: Yeah, there's a common bond, but that bond comes before the friendship. So like the softball team is going to always exist, whether you're on it or not.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hold on a second. I love this distinction. The difference between the bond that's created versus the friendship that's developed. So to use the three of us as an example, we have a bond because we work together every day, but our friendship got created because we took it way further than just the bond of work.
--:-- Amy: Yes. Yes. Yes. There's caring and empathy and nurturing and support.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Outside hours.
--:-- Amy: Outside hours. And probably HR non-compliant.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But that's cool because it's on purpose. So we want on-purpose friends that are amazing. I'm kind of just opening up to that too, because I think that's part of the reason why I felt like I didn't have any friends. You feel like they're just friends with me because I work with them.
--:-- Amy: Right. Or they're just friends with me because I'm in school with them. And that can make you feel like you're not really a good friend. But on-purpose friends fill your life with such vitality and activity and excitement because they're there for you. They're the friend that's behind you, not behind the softball team or the organization that you work for. They're there for you. How great is that to be on-purpose with your friendship?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Great. So already two massive takeaways. Number one, there's a lie you're telling yourself, which is you have no friends. That's actually not true. Your friends are still there. What's been missing is the fact that you're not being proactive about developing the friendship piece. So let's take Amy's little framework there. Every relationship, when it's a friendship, has both the bond, which is usually created from some outside force — you're a neighbor, you're working together, you go to the same yoga studio, or you're family. When the bond that brings you together all the time disappears, it's on you to keep the caring and the interest and the outreach alive, because that's what the friendship actually is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to understand that all those people that you used to hang out with, that you used to feel that bond with, they're still there. And they're thinking you left. You have an opportunity to flip your thinking and realize it's literally about reaching back out, getting very intentional about the reconnection. The last three years, and everything that we've all been through, I think evaporated the bond that brought most of us together in real life with our friends. So that's takeaway number one.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Takeaway number two is that this is possible in your life. You can have an experience in your adult life where your entire adult life when it comes to friendship is a camp experience — you're in it with other like-minded people, you're having fun, there are activities. If you want that, get the shovel out and start planting some seeds. Today I'm so excited to share with you this framework around coffee shops, because I think this is a simple way to get your butt out of the house, especially for those of you like the three of us who moved to a new area in the last three years and all the bonds disappear because we're in a new physical location.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This could be you. You've gotten a divorce. You've changed jobs. You've moved in the last three years. You've graduated from college. You're in a new city. You broke up with somebody and now you're single. All these things that evaporate bonds — your friends are still there, number one. Number two, you can make new amazing friends too. I got to take a quick pause and eat this fricking pastry. When we come back, I'm going to unpack this amazing coffee shop example of how you, yes you, can start to create the best friends you've ever had in your life as an adult. I can't wait.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. Got my arm around you. We're going for that walk. We're having pastries this morning. Amy and Jesse have joined us. This is one of these impromptu episodes. I cannot get the information out of my mouth faster.
--:-- Amy: Yeah, you got a lot to say.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have a lot to say. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about friendship and coffee houses. It seems like a low lift, right? Seems achievable. So, okay. Tell us what you got, Mel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm so excited about this because I do think it's possible for the next year for you to take on a project around friendship and for you to create the best friendships of your entire life doing this. I realize looking backwards that that's what I've been doing for a year. I've been putting myself out there and putting myself out there and putting myself out there. So here's the framework — the three-part, I don't even know what to call this. Here's how you use a bakery to get friends as an adult.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think one of the hard things about being an adult, particularly in this world of remote work, is that you don't have as many chances to bump into people. The bond of a softball team or work or your kids' soccer games or going to a yoga studio — one major thing that has impacted adult friendship is that people are way more secluded in their homes. It's reduced exponentially the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you got to create the bond.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In moving to a new town, it's hard to find people. Where am I finding my people? I don't want to seem like a desperate stalker. So how do I find my people? When I'm out in public trying to create this bond, how do I approach without seeming creepy? How do you do that if you're introverted? This is weird. It's not like we're all freshmen in college again, because people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area. You don't know if they've been here forever.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. And so we sort of opt out of these opportunities. And that's where the coffee shop comes in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: First, I want you to think about your town. I'm going to tell you something that's true that you've probably never thought about. There are four types of coffee shops in your town. There is the chain — Dunkin' Donuts, Honeydew, Starbucks, insert your favorite chain. That's one type. There is the first responder coffee shop where the EMTs, the volunteer fire folks, the police officers are all gathered there every morning. There is the neighborhood local coffee shop, which is the place that a lot of moms stop by quickly on their way to school, or maybe they meet their mom friends after school. And then there's the fourth type of coffee shop in your neighborhood, which is that high-end one. The kind of place where people wear an apron with leather straps and the pastries look like you would pay $75 for them.
--:-- Amy: Are you getting a cocktail or coffee? You don't know.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. You have to think about it and identify those four types of coffee shops because the coffee shops themselves create an opportunity to create that external bond that is needed in order to form a friendship. Hear me out. All four of those types of coffee shops automatically, like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, sort out the kind of people that walk through the front door.
--:-- Amy: Yeah, I could see this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you think about the first type of coffee shop, the chain, that is not a great place for you to create a bond with anybody that you want to become friends with. A lot of them have mobile order. A lot of them have drive-through. The entire psychology and energy of anybody going to that coffee shop is get in and get out.
--:-- Amy: Get in and get out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Get in and get out, don't want to be seen. Correct. If there is somebody sitting in there with a laptop, they're likely going to have headphones on because they're trying to get something done. Because that kind of coffee shop experience is so transactional that people are in and out, it's a very distracting place to work. So it's not a great place to create a bond. So we're going to just move that off the table.
--:-- Amy: Okay. Yeah, makes sense.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Second type of coffee shop in every community is what I call the first responders, salt of the earth coffee shop. This is where the people that grew up in the town, the old timers, the volunteers that keep our town running. They got the best damn donuts in town. And the little cups of coffee.
--:-- Amy: Oh, yeah. The little, those like thick saucers.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This used to be the diner crowd.
--:-- Amy: It's an institution.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's an institution. When you're new, it is intimidating as hell to walk into it, even though it's all of the most best, amazing people. Nicest people. Everyone. They make your town run. But it feels like an insider.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It feels like a hard casing on top of that you have to kind of crack through. You feel like you have to sit down there. Where it's like, "No, I'm just here to grab and go." But everyone in there is relaxed and sitting and going to be there for a while.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That kind of first responder, salt of the earth, thank you for your service, everybody. We love you. The backbone of our town. That kind of coffee shop proves my point because that coffee shop experience where everybody gathers, they're always there having their cup of coffee before work or after plowing all the driveways out of a snowstorm. That coffee shop has created their bond.
--:-- Mel Robbins: They prove that it's possible.
--:-- Amy: Never thought about that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right? By sitting there over a cup of coffee and having it be a ritual to start their day together most mornings, their friendship is deepening. A couple things about this kind of coffee shop: best donuts in town. They probably have a crawler, that big donut thing you're going to dip in. I'll tell you what they don't have. Those kinds of coffee shops never have a machine that makes cappuccinos and lattes.
--:-- Amy: You're right. You don't have espresso, right?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Nope. Nope. Here's the thing I want to tell you. If those are the kind of folks that you really connect with — and this is my entire extended family. I come from a line of farmers and machinists and COs and sheriffs and nail technicians and school administrators and people that own bakeries. These are my people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But it is so intimidating when you're in a new town to penetrate that established crowd. It's like being a kid and sneaking into the teacher's lounge.
--:-- Amy: It is like that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But if you're lucky enough to do it, they're going to be great people. You're in good hands. If you just show up every week and you sit down, they will put their arm around you. You just got to start showing up. So that's coffee shop number two.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're going to take another quick break because I want more of this pastry.
--:-- Amy: Get in there, Mel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When we return, I'm going to explain coffee shop number three and coffee shop number four. Then we're going to get into some really great techniques that you can use once you pick which coffee shop you're going to try to establish your bond in to make the approach. Stay with us.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. This pastry is so damn good. I'm talking about adult friendship and how I'm on a mission to inspire you to create the best friendships of your entire life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Coffee shop number three in your town: the local coffee shop. It's where all the moms go on the way to work or on the way to dropping off kids at school. It's the place where it's bustling in the morning. You got people with laptops out. Every other customer, they're like, "I'll have the regular." People working behind the counter know. That means you want a latte with three sugars and the carrot muffin to go. They're usually busy till like 11 because a lot of people meet there after dropping off their kids. It's that kind of place.
--:-- Amy: Yeah. So it's different from number one because it's maybe not a franchise and it's just more local.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. The local feel.
--:-- Amy: Yep. Okay. And different from number two because it's not really the place where you see the established group almost every morning.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is the place that if I had to meet you at 10 o'clock to catch up, we'd meet there. Solid food, solid coffee. You're going to get the right thing. They got the little punch card. They might even have the alphabetized index on the desk for your cards. You can leave it there. It's that kind of place. They might convert to sandwiches at noontime, that kind of place. All the teenagers in town work there in the summertime.
--:-- Amy: Exactly, exactly, exactly.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the other things I'm going to layer into this is that sorting hat reference. Certain types of people go to certain types of coffee shops on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't frequent all four because I do frequent all four of these. But there is my go-to. If you could only pick one of the four, there is one that you would pick. That's how you know the kind of person that you are and the kind of sorting hat thing that's going to happen for you. This gets deeper and deeper. But let me tell you number four next.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number four is that coffee shop that is always written up in the travel guide about your town. It is the one with barnwood. The people that work there are very kind of cool. Maybe a beanie. You've got an apron on with a leather strap. The pastries look like a million dollars. The coffee is strong. The latte machine is like the size of a New York City bus and it looks gorgeous.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That is a whole different crowd.
--:-- Amy: A whole different crowd. Yep.
--:-- Mel Robbins: One of the things that I love about this distinction is that when you decide one, two, three, or four, you got two hours to kill. Where are you going to go sit with your book? The reason why this is important is because instinctually in your heart, there are going to be certain kinds of people with certain kinds of interests coming in and out. None of these are better than the other. They just attract a person who's interested in certain things. There are amazing people that go to all four and there are complete assholes that go to all four. It's not about that. It's about what people like. So that's why the sorting hat is important.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you want to start to make adult friends, park yourself at one of those coffee shops several mornings a week and on one day on the weekend for an hour. How is that going to help out? You're going to start seeing people coming in and out and they're going to be the same people. You're going to start saying hello.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and like I've seen Jesse at coffee shop number four.
--:-- Jesse: Guilty. Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it was Jesse that told me about it. I had been here an entire year. I did not know that coffee shop number four existed.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because your eyes were closed to the friendship. I was still thinking I was just going to have dirt around my house. So I'm not going to a coffee shop. Living in her aunt farm with all the dirt. Jess was like, "You've been to this coffee shop?" I'm not going to name it because I don't need stalkers showing up there. Even though I'd love to promote all the coffee shops in our town. But I was like, "No. Kick rocks." I walked into that place. I was like, "Am I in Brooklyn, New York?" There's a person with a beanie. There's an espresso machine. There's a pastry that I'd pay $75 for, largely because it tastes like $75. So I'm willing to pay $5 for this thing. I think it was what it was. That's a bargain.
--:-- Amy: That's a freaking bargain.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When I walked into this place, I was like, "Oh my God."
--:-- Mel Robbins: So here's how this works. This becomes your go-to place. Anytime you meet somebody new or somebody introduces you to somebody in the town, you say, "How about we go get coffee on Saturday morning at nine o'clock at the such and such?" Now here's where this starts to build. As you meet new people, here's what you say: "I always meet my friends there at nine o'clock on Saturday morning." You're creating an ad right there. You're creating your bond and your institution.
--:-- Amy: You know what? It's hitting me right now. Friendship is a verb. When you're saying, "Let's meet up for coffee" or "Park yourself at the coffee shop," you actually have to talk to people. Friendship is a verb. You got to be doing things. It's an action word. You have to make it happen. That's what's hitting me right now.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. The more you go there, the more you start to know the staff and the owners. Then you'll see who else knows the staff and owners. That gives you an in. "Don't you just love this place? How long have you known so and so?" Here's another way that you can strike up a conversation. If you're standing in line, turn to the person next to you and ask them, "What's the best donut? What's the best muffin? What's the best pastry here? What do you recommend?"
--:-- Amy: Yeah, that's your in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's your in. Here's the other reason why I don't like category number one for this kind of friendship building. Who in their right mind turns to anybody at a Starbucks or a Dunkin' Donuts and is like, "What donut do you recommend?" You're like, "Idiot. They've had the same ones for a decade. What do you mean? Have you never been here?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: The menu has not changed. And plus, you don't know if they're just driving through.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so this allows you to start to create that bond. It gives you a place where you're always going to say you meet people on Saturday mornings there at nine o'clock in the morning. And that's your parking spot.
--:-- Amy: Wow. That's your bond.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then you tell people that every time you meet them there, and then people start to bring their friends.
--:-- Amy: Yeah. And that's how it starts to grow. I love that, Mel. That's such a great strategy. If you're outgoing and you happen to be one of the top motivational speakers in the world, Mel, but for the rest of us and for many people in the inbox who write in and struggle and say they're introverted and they're shy, it's really hard for them to put themselves out there. You got any specific tips for anyone who's introverted?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's another tip. If you're shy and if you have trouble approaching people, here's the best way to approach for anybody. Look at something the person is wearing or look at some feature like glasses or nails or a hairstyle or a hair color or braids or whatever it may be. Or a weave or earrings, jewelry. Compliment them. Compliment them. When you compliment, "Oh my God, your nails. They're so great. Wow." People literally light up like a light bulb.
--:-- Amy: They do. They do. I know I do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right. So everybody else must do.
--:-- Amy: Yeah. Yes. That's a good one.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I got another good one. Gum. Gum. I'm telling you, my therapist told me this when I was in high school. I was an extroverted person, but I became really, really shy when there was a class of like 100 girls. I went to an all-girls school and I didn't know how to talk to any of them. So my therapist said, you know what? Always carry gum with you. And when you meet another person, say, "Would you like a stick of gum?" And that's how friendship starts because you're sharing the gum. The next thing you know, you're talking. The next thing you know, you're having lunch with the person. So after you compliment their earrings, take a look at their nails, tell them that they're beautiful, give them a piece of gum.
--:-- Amy: You got any other lines? Any good openers for talking to strangers in a coffee shop?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. If you're new, I would say this all the time to people I met: "What do people do here?" Or even if you're not new somewhere, you can say to somebody, "I've fallen out of the loop of what's going on. What's going on this weekend around here?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's what's super cool about that. Let's go back to the way that coffee shops work as sorting hats. Coffee shop number two, those folks are going to tell you something super fun like, "Oh, well, there's a tractor pull over at Section Such and Such." Or there's a huge pizza fundraiser thing going on for the local fire department. If you go to coffee shop number three, it'll be like, "Oh, well, there's an art fair at the school, something going on at the library." You go to number four, it's like, "Oh, well, there's a mushroom foraging happening, or there's an author coming to the bookstore." And so again, you're pulled in for the aesthetic, you're pulled in for the type of food, you're pulled in for the vibe. Those kind of folks tend to have certain kinds of events that they go to. And so you're also going to get recommendations that feel like something you actually might want to do.
--:-- Amy: Right. Well, and what I'm also getting from this is that it's a better spot to make conversation at number four. Because it's not transient where people are going in and out. It's not institutionalized. It's not focused around maybe kids or work or something like that. It's a great place to strike up a conversation. So go where it's a little bit easier.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. And here's one more recommendation that has really helped me. And again, I think I've demonstrated over and over that I can put myself out there. I don't give a shit. Like it's an emergency to solve the loneliness problem. And so I have no problem going up to people and saying, "I'm new to the area and I desperately need friends. Like if you guys need friends, let me know." Like I did. "How do you people meet people here?" And most people laugh and say, "I feel the same way."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And even if you have been in an area for a long time, there are two things I want you to do. It is okay to live in an area for 20, 30 years and feel lonely. And it's normal. And I think most of us do because of the last three years and quarantine and remote work. It's okay to do all of this in your own town where you've always lived and to say to people, "I've become a hermit. I'm trying to make some new friends. If you feel that way, do you guys want to start a walking group or something? You want to just meet here on Saturdays so we have a touch point?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then if people say yes, I get their cell phone right then. I text them right then. And here is a power move. You say, "The second I walk out of here, I'm going to forget what you look like. So why don't we take a selfie so we remember this moment?" And so that when I text you, you're not like, "Who is this freak from the coffee shop? What are you talking about?" And that is a major thing. And I say that because for the first six months I started using this coffee shop strategy, I didn't do that. The selfie thing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then weeks would go by and somebody would text and be like, "Hey, you want to meet at the bakery?" And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck is this? Who did I give my name to?" And I've got ADHD, so I would have deleted the text chain. I'm like, "Who the fuck is this?" And now you're embarrassed because you're like, "Who is this? What's your name?" And then you walk in and you're thinking, "Okay, what person am I?" That's not a good start to the friendship. So you smoothed it out a little bit with this selfie thing. I think that's a really a power move.
--:-- Amy: Yes, really good. And that also shows you're super determined. We're getting together. I'm going to see you again.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm going to see you again.
--:-- Amy: Yeah. I like that. Yes. And I have one final tip.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I can't wait to hear it.
--:-- Amy: My desire is that your life as an adult feels like summer camp or college. That you're constantly rolling out of bed and it's like, "Hey, let's go grab a meal. Hey, let's go to college. Hey, you want to go on a hike?" It's constant kind of bumping into people and energy around it and fun, spontaneous fun. So one thing that I've started taking on more and more, and I stole this from friends of mine that I think are hilarious, is that I try to lighten up every single group chat that I'm in with memes, with funny ass photos. And it works wonders.
--:-- Amy: Like when somebody texts you, like you want to get together, I will literally take the ugliest selfie and be like, "Absolutely, but not right now because I haven't even gotten dressed for the morning yet." You know, that kind of thing. Or you want to meet for coffee? "I'm so excited to see you. I'm coming in my pajamas and I'm not kidding." And then I take a photo. That sort of thing. I'm in camp again. I'm having fun again.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You are.
--:-- Amy: And it's working. It's working. I've gone from wanting to just have dirt around my house, putting plants in the ground. I've gone from feeling like my only friends are people I work with to feeling like, well, actually, it's not even that my work friends have become my friends. It's that I just get to hang out with my friends all day long and we call part of that time work.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right. Right. You know what I'm saying?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God. This morning was it.
--:-- Amy: What happened? What are you talking about?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God. Well, first of all, I've already told you, I woke up, I did my ABCs. I got up out of the bed. I drank my water. I made my bed. I was about to go out for a walk. I pick up my phone and there is this literally long text chain of Amy and David going freaking off.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Like with each other at 5:30 in the freaking morning. On a Friday. It's Friday, people. You got to double down. It started at 5:06 AM with a video from David of the mist in the valley. And I'm like, "Home sweet home." Amy says, "I just can't. I was just thinking about you." He's like, "I'm good. I'm ready." Amy's like, "Super. What are the weekend plans?" David's like, "Get my health and wellness underway. Start figuring my business out. Relax. Blah, blah, blah, blah. What time is the card pull?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: Amy pulls cards, as you know. Amy's jumping right in. "Super. Pulling the card at 6:45." Guys, I'm sleeping as all of this is going on. 6:20, I wake up and I see the last thing, which is "Mel, get in here. If you're up." I'm like, "I love these people." So we text back in the morning and then all of a sudden, your cabin and start.
--:-- Amy: Yeah. Well, David did. He came over to my house and we did a walk in the morning. It really is like a cabin.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I said, "I feel like I'm in college or a camp. I just fucking love you guys."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then David's like, "Mel, this is way better than camp. It's fucking amazing because we can have wine here."
--:-- Amy: And then what time are we talking now?
--:-- Mel Robbins: That sounds like seven, seven.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then I love this. I walk into my coffee shop and guess who's there? David. And then guess who pulls in? You, Jesse. And then guess who pulls in? Vaccine, our other friend.
--:-- Mel Robbins: She was having a meeting there.
--:-- Amy: Oh, of course.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because of course, where do you go to have a meeting? Just don't go to number one.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right. Because you're not going to establish the bond there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How freaking cool is this?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this is available to you. What did you two get out of this conversation?
--:-- Amy: It just, it's so, I want to say easy. It's easier than we think, than we give it credit for.
--:-- Amy: I never did this even in the city when I had access to 10 coffee shops. Never tried because you just stayed in your bubble. It's just so cool to go to a place and be like, "Oh yeah, there's my friend." And then I'm going to bring another friend here. Like I'm trying to meet someone this weekend for coffee. Nine o'clock Saturday morning. Done.
--:-- Amy: Okay. I will. I'll do that right before I go to Jane's game.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. Okay. And so, to those of you that live in a bigger city, here's the thing though, your neighborhood has all these places and your favorite place to go exercise has all these places around it. And your kid's school or your office has these four places around it. And so get intentional because getting serious about adult friendship. Stop lying to yourself. You do have friends. Your friendships are still there. It's on you to reach out. Number two, use the coffee shop model. Get intentional about this and you be the first and you be the one pushing it and you bring the fun.
--:-- Amy: What I love about this is it's something you do anyway.
--:-- Amy: You're having your cup of coffee anyway. Are you going to do it alone or are you going to do it with other people? Like you said, Mel, you're going to exercise anyway. You're going to do it alone or you're going to do it with other people. You're cooking dinner anyway. Why not invite a friend, have both your families come on over, enjoy the time together and make it a friendship moment. And I loved what you said, that friendship is a verb. That was a really, really good point as well. It takes effort and action. And yeah, we're not in first grade anymore.
--:-- Mel Robbins: No, you know what? The best years of your life and the best friendships are ahead of you. So get your ass to number one, number two, number three, number four.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Alrighty. I love you.
--:-- Gretchen: I love you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to have this much fun in your life. You deserve to have this much fun and you can create it. Give it a year. Keep chipping away at it and you will find your people because I just did. And whoa, God, is it amazing? All right. I'll talk to you in a few days.
--:-- Amy: Oh, God, we got to get a knife. Holy cow.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have a pastry. I have a fork in my backpack.
--:-- Amy: Do you think a fork will cut through that?
--:-- Mel Robbins: You carry a fork?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. Like a metal fork?
--:-- Amy: It's a fork from your house that I meant to return yesterday that I didn't return.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, now you're stealing shit from my house.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Whoa. I feel like my dog must feel when he's staring at the dog food that I'm mixing up. I literally feel my mouth salivating as you're doing that. I realize I haven't blinked. Just staring at it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm so excited that I'm like choking myself here with my own air. And that's probably a vacuum that somebody can hear. That's what's hitting me. I don't know if you can hear the vacuum in the background, but things are getting cleaned here. We're cleaning up. Good job, Oakley. Should I wait for the construction vehicle to go by? Are we hearing the beeping? Yeah, actually, maybe the beeping. Everybody is trying to get you to go deep, deep, deep. This is really important. Attention. Attention. Attention.
--:-- [Sound of beeping in background]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
