Cupid-19

Sean Rameswaram: Support for this show comes from ServiceNow. AI is only as powerful as the platform it's built into, don't you know? That's why it's no surprise that more than 85% of the Fortune 500 use the ServiceNow AI platform. Didn't know that. While other platforms duct tape tools together, ServiceNow seamlessly unifies people, data, workflows, and AI, connecting every corner of your business. And with AI agents working together autonomously, anyone in any department can focus on the work that matters most. I've never met an AI agent. Learn how ServiceNow puts AI to work for people at servicenow.com. It's Today Explained. I'm Sean Rameswaram. And over the past six months now of everyone being in some state of quarantine or lockdown, We've talked a lot about how that's affecting our society, our economy, our cities, our buildings, our relationships, our families, our psyches. But we haven't talked about one essential component, and that is our love lives. But Today Explained reporter-producer Halima Shah has been focused on just that thing for the past few weeks. Halima Shah: Well, COVID-19 has basically made an already awkward game more awkward. And there is a lot of sadness when it comes to relationships during the pandemic. For example, a lot of people who might have been in the early stages of a relationship are finding that it's fizzling out. And a lot of people who were considering divorce or maybe splitting up are basically having to cohabit with the people they were planning on leaving. That's rough. But, and there is a big but here. Sean Rameswaram: Oh, good. Yeah, there's a silver lining. I was about to cry. We make them cry plenty on this show. Halima Shah: We don't want people to cry anymore. We make them cry plenty on this show. Sean Rameswaram: And the silver lining in this case is that some people are finding that the pandemic and the lockdown is helping them advance their relationships. Cool. So are we going to hear from some couples or what? Halima Shah: We are going to hear from some couples. We're going to hear from young people living in cities who are in their 20s and 30s. And we're also going to hear from people who are facilitating these relationships. We're going to hear from matchmakers of sorts. Like Cupid? Sean Rameswaram: We're going to hear from the digital version of Cupid. We are going to hear from one of the leaders of Bumble. Cool. All right. Where do we begin? Halima Shah: We begin with 24-year-old Sierra. I'm from Chicago. I live in D.C. I identify as queer. I'm black. I'm a woman. I like scary movies. And I knit. Sean Rameswaram: I asked her if that's what her Tinder profile said. If you wanted, I could probably pull up exactly what it said. Sierra: So my profile says, always aiming to find the perfect first date with the rock-on hands. Big nerd and huge extrovert. I love meeting new people and trying new things more than anything. Shy city, tall. Sean Rameswaram: Sierra was on Tinder before the pandemic started, and she has a pretty good response rate. The people she likes tend to like her back. But after the pandemic started, Sierra was browsing Tinder, and she swiped right on one woman who she wasn't sure would be a match. Rachel. Halima Shah: She also probably still has her Tinder up. Here it is. Ooh. Just, like, excellent pictures of her. Oh my God. That's very intimidating. It's incredibly intimidating because that's, and that's the bio. Her style, I would say is like, like simple, upscale, kind of chic. She has a couple of photos in swimsuits. She has a few photos in suit suits. She looks like a model, but yeah, I remember just being like, oh, well, that's not going to happen. But like, she's really hot and then swiping and we instant matched. Sean Rameswaram: And there was one problem, though. Sierra and Rachel from Tinder matched in March, just as Washington, D.C. shut down because of the pandemic. On top of that, Sierra lives in a group house with five other roommates who all agreed to strict social distancing rules. Halima Shah: We have to wear a mask whenever we're out of the house. For the first month of quarantine, we were only going on, like, night walks. That's the only time we were leaving the house, was like to go to the grocery store and to go on night walks as a group. Can't go in anyone else's home. It was all very just like precautionary. Sean Rameswaram: And because I was living in a group house where I wasn't only in charge of my own health, I didn't feel comfortable like breaking that since it was agreed upon. So I asked Sierra what she was looking for on Tinder. Sierra: Someone to secretly break the rules with? A pen pal? Yeah, like a hot, romantic-ish pen pal that would end at the end of quarantine. Sean Rameswaram: I had just gotten out of a relationship in, like, November. And I was very, like, it is finally time for me, Sierra, to be intentional about, like, being by myself. So I was not trying to start dating anybody. I had, like, I was swiping on Tinder a lot because I was bored. And I was like, oh, I'll just, like, you know, snatch up a few quarantine booze, like, have people to talk to. Halima Shah: There are plenty of people in their 20s who will tell you the same thing. Being in lockdown is boring, especially if you're single. That's Nikki DelZenero's experience. She lives halfway across the country in Chicago with one roommate. Nikki DelZenero: Before COVID and still through COVID, I have been single. I have been on the apps every once in a while intermittently but I never stay on them for too long because I love them So then I sort of just try to meet people who are friends of friends or doing activities that I like to do in the wild. Halima Shah: Her natural habitats are bars, baseball games, comedy shows, and all of them are off the table in the COVID era. So to date while social distancing in 2020, Nikki found herself connecting with the men of 2019. Sean Rameswaram: Yes, yes. There have only been two guys I've hooked up with this year, and they were both people that I met in the fall. But Nikki is being cautious, and not just because of COVID-19. Halima Shah: What we've been seeing in memes and in social media for the last few months is that the men who come out of the woodwork from 2019, they don't have great intentions, you know? They're just trying to see if you'll break quarantine for them because they're just like fuckboys who can't meet anybody new. Sean Rameswaram: So they're going through the old books. That said, Nikki's seen an upside to dating during COVID-19. Halima Shah: The pandemic kind of acts like a filter. I'm weeding out people who aren't taking this seriously, like who aren't wearing masks, who are traveling all over the place and hanging out in large crowds. Sean Rameswaram: And I'm like, if you don't take this seriously, if we don't have a chat about when you were tested or what your exposure looked like, then you can't break quarantine with me. Halima Shah: The filter has kind of worked for Nikki. Sean Rameswaram: The first guy she saw during quarantine was open about where he went, his roommate's activity, and he discussed getting tested. Halima Shah: In the case of another guy, on social media, he had been like talking shit about Trump's response to COVID. Sean Rameswaram: And I was like, OK, he must be taking it seriously. Halima Shah: And then he told me he lived with his grandparents and had been tested like a week prior. Sean Rameswaram: This brings us to the reason a lot of people are dating during a pandemic. Halima Shah: Sex. Sean Rameswaram: One survey found that more than half of young adults in Chicago broke quarantine to have a sexual encounter. Halima Shah: Same with a quarter of people in L.A. and nearly a fifth in New York. Sean Rameswaram: Public health departments know this. Halima Shah: And since kissing through a mask or sex without breathing seem impossible, local health departments are releasing guidelines for safe sex during COVID-19. Sean Rameswaram: Common advice is your safest sex partner is yourself. Halima Shah: Your next safest is someone who lives with you. Sean Rameswaram: And if you want sex with someone outside of your household, have as few partners as possible. Halima Shah: Also, discuss COVID-19 as you would any other safe sex topics. and do it beforehand. Sean Rameswaram: For Nikki, taking those precautions feels like the smartest way to continue dating right now. Halima Shah: You are trying your best to have a life that you enjoy, but also think of others. Sean Rameswaram: So maybe that's like just my personal justification, but I think it has been healthy for me to find some middle ground. Halima Shah: Back in D.C., people like Sierra, who live in big group houses, have to take extra caution if they want to go out with anyone during the pandemic. Sean Rameswaram: She and Rachel from Tinder were texting back and forth and seeing each other virtually. Halima Shah: The two wanted to be more than pandemic pen pals, but Sierra had some strict house rules to consider. Sean Rameswaram: So for the first in-person date, they sat six feet apart at a park near Georgetown University. Halima Shah: It was Georgetown's graduation day, which I found out later on our date, that she had graduated a couple hours before our date. Sean Rameswaram: I think we both brought, like, beers and, like, traded. Halima Shah: And this was back when I was still, like, sanitizing every single thing. Sean Rameswaram: So we just, yeah, we just sat in a park and talked for three hours. Halima Shah: Sierra didn't tell her housemates about her date, or the next one, or the one after that. Sean Rameswaram: But she says those dates were all socially distant. Halima Shah: It reminds me of courtship. My parents, when they met, were in this very devout Christian church. Sean Rameswaram: And you weren't allowed to date. You courted, and so you didn't touch each other. Halima Shah: So then I asked Sierra the obvious question. Sean Rameswaram: When did you two finally touch? Halima Shah: It was here. It was in Malcolm X Park. Sean Rameswaram: It's a huge park. Halima Shah: There's an upstairs and a downstairs. Sean Rameswaram: So like a flat part top and then stairs the way down to kind of like hill-like areas where people have picnics. Halima Shah: We both brought blankets and wine and food and just kind of like sat and talked. Sean Rameswaram: We got quite drunk in the park, which was nice because it was a beautiful day. Halima Shah: It was Drum Circle Sunday. Sean Rameswaram: So, you know, we could like hear the drum. Halima Shah: It was very like romantic for like a city and like I guess like black queer romance. while an African drumbeat circle is happening up top. Sean Rameswaram: She was being super careful around me because she didn't want me to get in trouble with my roommates. Halima Shah: But I hope my roommates don't hear this. Sean Rameswaram: I was sitting next to her and I had my legs over her legs. Halima Shah: We just kind of gently brushed legs and touched each other's hands. Sean Rameswaram: And I wasn't really allowed to touch anybody else. Halima Shah: So, like, it was such a huge deal. Sean Rameswaram: And just like that, Sierra and Rachel from Tinder broke the COVID rules. Halima Shah: It didn't go any further that day. Sean Rameswaram: And right after they touched, Sierra used her hand sanitizer. Halima Shah: But the date went well. Sean Rameswaram: Sierra and Rachel from Tinder wanted to keep seeing each other and eventually become intimate. Halima Shah: So Sierra and her housemates set up new travel and sex rules The sex rules were once you have a sexual encounter like you wear a mask in the house for two weeks and you get tested You kind of quarantine yourself. Sean Rameswaram: You just wear a mask. Halima Shah: You have your own set of dishes. Sean Rameswaram: It can only be one person. Halima Shah: So it was a very like choose carefully type of situation. Sean Rameswaram: So Sierra kept seeing Rachel from Tinder. Halima Shah: They both got tested for COVID-19. Sean Rameswaram: They stayed home as much as possible. Halima Shah: and they only met at Rachel's place because she lived alone. Sean Rameswaram: Wait, so Halima, is this just like a booty call between Sierra and Rachel? Halima Shah: What happens to their relationship? Sean Rameswaram: You will find out what happens to their relationship after the break. Halima Shah: Support for Today Explained comes from Chime. Nobody likes fees and complicated banking, says Chime. And Chime gets that, says Chime. Chime is a financial technology company that says they understand that every dollar counts. So when you set up direct deposit through Chime, they say you get access to fee-free features, such as free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, so much more. Halima Shah: Chime says with qualifying direct deposits, you can be eligible for free overdraft, up to $200 on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. Plus, they say you don't need to worry about monthly fees or maintenance fees. Sean Rameswaram: You can work on your financial goals through Chime today. Halima Shah: You can open an account in two minutes at chime.com slash explained. Sean Rameswaram: That's chime.com slash explained. Halima Shah: Chime feels like progress. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank N.A. Or Stride Bank N.A. Members FDIC. Sean Rameswaram: Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Halima Shah: Timing depends on submission of payment file. Fees apply at out-of-network ATMs. Sean Rameswaram: Bank ranking and number of ATMs according to U.S. News and World Report 2023. Halima Shah: Chime checking account required. Sean Rameswaram: Okay, Halima, we've heard from Sierra, we've heard from Nikki. Halima Shah: Is it time to hear from Cupid herself? Sean Rameswaram: Yeah, it's time to hear from multiple Cupid's actually. Halima Shah: Because for months now, states across the country have ordered people to social distance. Sean Rameswaram: And if you're trying to date, those rules are going to make it really challenging to meet anyone in person. Halima Shah: So this is where the digital matchmakers come in. Sean Rameswaram: Even though people are staying home, they're still looking for love. Halima Shah: Since the pandemic began, dating apps have seen an uptick in use. Sean Rameswaram: Bumble has seen a 26% increase in messages. Halima Shah: Now on Tinder, there's been an increase in the number of conversations that are taking place. Halima Shah: Hinge has also seen an uptick as much as 30% increase in messages in March. Sean Rameswaram: Dating apps like Bumble and The League are seeing an increase in activity as people stay home to practice physical distancing. Halima Shah: Apps are adapting to the new normal of dating. Sean Rameswaram: Bumble's vice president of strategy, Brithi Joshi, said the app rolled out new features to help users stay safe during the pandemic. Halima Shah: We launched a feature called the virtual dating badge. Sean Rameswaram: And, you know, what they're able to do basically is use that badge to not only indicate, hey, I am comfortable going on a virtual date, a socially distanced date, a socially distanced date with a mask on. Halima Shah: But then they're also able to filter based off of their preferences. Sean Rameswaram: And so they can find other users who are kind of in the same risk tolerance, if you will, as they are, just so that everyone can feel safe and comfortable. Halima Shah: It's a great time to own a dating app. Sean Rameswaram: Match Group, which owns Match, Tinder and OkCupid, recently released its second quarter earnings report. Halima Shah: It shows more people are using the app since COVID-19 started. Sean Rameswaram: We actually saw an increase to nearly 70% in voice calls and video chats right around the time that COVID was declared a national emergency back in March to the first week of May. Halima Shah: We also saw that these calls were actually on average 30 minutes long, which if you think about it, that's a pretty decent first virtual date. Sean Rameswaram: Brithi sees it as a sign that users are interested in more than messaging. Halima Shah: She says they want to be more vulnerable with each other, talk for a longer period before meeting. Sean Rameswaram: But while COVID-19 is slowing some relationships down, it's speeding others up. Halima Shah: Josh and JC talked to me about their amorphous wedding plans from their home in Madison, Wisconsin, where JC works at a public radio station that offers health insurance and where Josh is transitioning out of a career in academia which does not come with health insurance. Sean Rameswaram: I was already living a kind of precarious life in academia and bouncing around from a few different institutions. Halima Shah: And I got really sick, really randomly, and it was pneumonia. Sean Rameswaram: But like for about four or five days, I like couldn't get out of bed. Halima Shah: And it was it was really scary. Sean Rameswaram: That was in mid-November. Halima Shah: A few months later, the U.S. started seeing its first cases of community spread of COVID-19. Sean Rameswaram: Once the pandemic kind of became this real thing, I had already had a taste of what life, A, without health insurance would be like, but then also B, without the sort of contractual protections you get when someone is like your emergency contact or go-to person or like whatever, someone you can put in your will. Halima Shah: So that was like one prompt I think I think our combined experiences in the fall with the pneumonia and hearing that it was a respiratory thing was like hey we don really want to fuck with this Being at, you know, urgent care with Josh, not being sure if they were going to let me go back with him at times, that I didn't have, you know, the same rights as, you know, people who are married. Sean Rameswaram: I am your emergency contact, but that if anything had happened in an emergency room, we weren't sure if they would even be in touch with me. Halima Shah: So in January, the two got a marriage license. Sean Rameswaram: And in March, a day before the marriage license expired, JC and Josh got married at a courthouse in New York. Halima Shah: We wore like nicest version of whatever we had packed. Like probably what I was going to wear to my interview is what I wore. Sean Rameswaram: I wore a pair of olive-colored pleated pants and a turtleneck. Halima Shah: And the wedding went something like this. Sean Rameswaram: Do you, Joshua, take this woman to be your wife? Halima Shah: Yeah, I do. Sean Rameswaram: Blah, blah, blah. Halima Shah: And you, JC, do you do the same thing? Sean Rameswaram: Yeah, I do. Halima Shah: Okay, you're done. Bye-bye. Sean Rameswaram: It was rushed, but it was still really charming. and weird and whimsical, which actually added to some of the romantic part of it. Halima Shah: COVID really did force the hand of a lot of people, either in really pushing up their timeline and getting married sooner rather than later, or for people who have had to stop their planning altogether because so much is up in the air. Sean Rameswaram: It's just a weird time. Halima Shah: A weird, frustrating, and sometimes romantic time, especially for people like Sierra and Rachel from Tinder. Sean Rameswaram: They're still seeing each other five months after they both swiped right. Halima Shah: We are dating. She's my girlfriend. Sean Rameswaram: And it was wild to me that I fully created and fostered a relationship. Halima Shah: We didn't even hang out in person for two months. Sean Rameswaram: And we didn't touch for three months. Halima Shah: Sierra thinks the pandemic created a unique set of circumstances that brought the two together. Sean Rameswaram: I mean, we're both LGBT, and so we were going to a lot of the same bars, and we're both really tall people, and we're both Black women, and both of us always say, like, it's wild that I never met you out. Halima Shah: We've even date-stamped certain days where we knew we were both at the same bar, and, like, we probably were there within 15 minutes of each other and just never ran into each other or saw each other. Sean Rameswaram: I asked if they dropped the L-bomb yet. Halima Shah: We have said the L word. Sean Rameswaram: Because I love her. Halima Shah: And we both agreed that we probably wouldn't have dated or even spent maybe more than one or two dates or hookups with each other had we not had to get to know each other for so long. Sean Rameswaram: Because I'm a very sex-positive person, I don't know why taking that aspect out fostered such an interesting relationship with each other and a good relationship, but it did. Halima Shah: So I think I learned a little bit more about slowing down with somebody and trying to delve really deep into who they are as a person. Sean Rameswaram: I mean, I'm very in love, and I wasn't expecting it, so that's kind of fun. Halima Shah: When we set out to talk about love in the age of COVID-19, we asked our listeners to share their stories. Sean Rameswaram: And we got a ton of messages, probably more than the show's ever seen. Halima Shah: And it confirmed a suspicion that a lot of us here had, that even though so much of our lives have been put on hold in 2020, love still finds a way. Sean Rameswaram: Be it a spouse, a new boo, or a pandemic pen pal. Halima Shah: And if you're not trying to lock it down in lockdown, There's always the fuckboy from 2019. team. Sean Rameswaram: Will was once our intern, and now he's straight up producing the show. Halima Shah: We're so glad you're back, Will. Sean Rameswaram: And no big deal, Golda Arthur joined our team this week to run the show. Halima Shah: We are most stoked to have you, Golda. Sean Rameswaram: Thanks for joining. Halima Shah: Liz Kelly Nelson is still Vox's editorial director of podcasts, and we still use a lot of the mysterious Breakmaster Cylinders music. Sean Rameswaram: Sincere thanks to all of you who generously, and in some cases very candidly, shared your stories of lockdown love. Halima Shah: We laughed, we cried, we swooned. Sean Rameswaram: We're thinking about a spinoff, To Date Explained, Two Dates Explained. Halima Shah: We'll let you know. Sean Rameswaram: In the meantime, Today Explained is part of the Vox Media Podcast Network. Halima Shah: Support for this show comes from Macy's. Fall is right around the corner, and that means layering season is too. Sean Rameswaram: Macy's Fall Fashion Guide can help you get a pulse on all the latest trends and must-haves. Halima Shah: Try a romantic look with a sheer top from INC or mix it up with some fun textures like a faux fur bomber jacket from Karl Lagerfeld Paris. Sean Rameswaram: No matter your vibe, you can explore the Macy's Fall Fashion Guide and find the perfect look for you. Halima Shah: Shop in-store or online at nacy's.com.