--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean?
--:-- Mel Robbins: To just be like, halfway through the welcome to Mel Robbins. Welcome to having kids on the show.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right. Well, as you can tell, I'm not alone. I have our 18-year-old son, Oakley, our 23-year-old daughter, Kendall, and my awesome husband, Christopher Robbins, all here at SiriusXM Studios in Los Angeles. We have piles and piles of questions from listeners that are directed at Kendall and Oakley. So we are just going to rapid fire your questions and crowdsource answers as a family.
--:-- But before we start, can we please talk about the fact that I met Reese Witherspoon?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I got to tell you this story. A couple days ago in New York, I'm there for work. I get up early. I go exercise with Christine, who is our chief operating officer and your aunt. We are walking back to the hotel that we're staying in. It's probably quarter of eight o'clock in the morning. You know how when you walk into some hotels, there's two sets of doors. There's that first door on the outside and then there's that little hallway area and then the second set of doors.
--:-- So we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel and just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 7:45 in the morning, the second set of doors open up and somebody walks through and there is a woman behind him walking with another woman. The woman who was shorter was incredibly striking and she had dark sunglasses on. I noticed her out of the corner of my eye, but I was busy talking to Christine about something because we had a busy day ahead of us.
--:-- As we pass by the two women, Reese Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses. She walks past me and then stops. She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over and says, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan of yours and I really love your work. I'm Reese." And I nearly shat my pants.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I would shit my pants.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I admire her so much. And I thought she knows who I am. And I'm like, I know who you are. You're Reese freaking Witherspoon. And by the way, she looked gorgeous. She is so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life. All the things that you would want her to be from seeing her afar. She is that in real life. And I couldn't believe that she knew me. This is a person that I admire. I was so floored by the whole thing.
--:-- I was like, "Of course I know who you are. Oh my God, you know me." She's like, "Of course." And she's like, "You did a great job on the Today Show yesterday." I'm like, "You saw me on the Today Show?" She's like, "Well, I'm here today to be on the Today show." So we start to talk. By the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll. I have on Birkenstocks and socks and yoga tights, my hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting.
--:-- So we step outside and now I'm really self-conscious because it's Reese Witherspoon and we're on the sidewalk in New York City. I don't want to take up too much of her time and I don't want to draw attention and I don't want to be a weirdo. But at the same time, I am freaking out. And she says, "I've been wanting to meet you. There's a bunch of stuff we're working on." And then we started talking about some other things. And literally, I met Reese Witherspoon. And she asked me if I would want to come do something with her. And I'm like, yes, I would.
--:-- You think those things happen. You're like, okay, that'll never happen. Maybe she was just being very gracious. When I looked on Instagram, she had already DM'd me. Guys, I met Reese Witherspoon. What are you thinking, Oak?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It's awesome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's awesome because it's one thing when somebody recognizes you, but it's a whole other thing when it's somebody that you really admire. I'm not the kind of person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever. You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No. Because we're all just human beings.
--:-- Mel Robbins: No, but people stop you because they admire you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's true.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Really? Were you scared when you met her? Were you nervous?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Kinda. I mean, Reese is... Not even kinda, yes. I felt that moment when all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry and then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I just didn't know what to say. I was so overcome by the fact that she admires what I'm doing because I admire what she's doing. That was a really cool moment for me.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That is cool.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And of course I was wearing socks with Birkenstocks when that happened.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Birkenstocks. Dude, I wear Birkenstocks. Vermont represent, man. So that was really cool. Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Probably Jack Kornfield, Mark Nepo.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Who are those guys?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thought leaders in the field of contemplative... Good question. I'm tongue-tied. I guess that's how I would be if I walked in and there was Jack.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Would you recognize him? Would you say Swiss Army knife of... Meditation? Insert word here.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, just a leader in the field of mindfulness and a prolific author and somebody that clearly has a very, very big heart for this world. What about you, Ken?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Probably, oh, I would be starstruck if I met Olivia Dean.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Not like Taylor Swift?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Well, I mean, that's the obvious answer, but wouldn't we all be?
--:-- Mel Robbins: We would.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: But yes, obviously Taylor. I mean, come on. But Olivia, she's got some...
--:-- Mel Robbins: Swagger.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: She's got some pipes. Yeah, and they stopped you and were like, "Yeah, dude, I've seen your stuff." I feel like it's going to be out of nowhere, but I think of Lucky Daye.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Kendall knows what I'm talking about.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Who the hell is that?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: An artist.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: An artist.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And what does Lucky Daye do? He just produces some cool music. Good music that I love to listen to. I think, I mean, if he stopped me...
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hold on. Are you getting choked up? Are you getting choked up?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I don't know if he would ever actually listen to self-help stuff, but if he stopped me and he said that what I said was very insightful, I would like pee my pants because that would be pretty cool. I'd be like, "I listen to you every day." That's sick.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, that was pretty sick. So thank you for asking because I hadn't told you that story yet. And I'm still just floating about it. I can't believe it happened, honestly. So Reese, if you're listening or somebody who knows her is listening, thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so cool to meet you and even cooler to see that you are just as smart and inspiring in person as I always thought you would be.
--:-- All right. So you guys ready for questions?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Sure.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Anything else anybody needs to get off their chest or beef that you have with one another that we need to talk about before we...
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Kendall, I missed you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, folk, I missed you too, bud.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: How long has it been since you guys have seen each other?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: A month.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Two months.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: It hasn't been that long.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Two months. It hasn't been that long, but...
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, you ready?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, here we go. So our first question comes from Chelsea, and she starts off by saying, "Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy. After a difficult past couple of years, socially breaking up, loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90% of the time. I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons, and in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me. I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world. How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?"
--:-- Well... Hold on. Do you have any friends that hate their parents?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Not any immediate friends, no.
--:-- Mel Robbins: How would you answer this, Ken?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Oh gosh. Actually, I want to say one thing. I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life. I think that part of that emotion is from losing previous friends and it's not all because of you, his parent. There's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you, but he just has a lot of negative feelings and you're the only person that he can channel them into.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Well, you always tell us that the reason we sometimes treat our family the worst is because deep down we know that they're not going anywhere. Or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom any word that I want because she's my mom and she's not going to go anywhere. Especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion out on his parents.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I don't necessarily think in my experience, the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents. They just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling as though they couldn't move up or down or left or right. They were just kind of stuck. But I will say that if he's 17 and in high school and it's a social issue primarily, I'm sure that when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college, I think that he will find some new perspective.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment where she feels distant from her son. What would you want to hear from your mom or dad? Let's say that dad and I did something that really made you angry and that impacted your friend group and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating. And you were really mad about it. And now you felt isolated and you were mad that we did what we did. What would you want the parent to do?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I would want you to apologize to me and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say. Only because it shows that you're human too and you make mistakes and that you also don't think that you're above it all. You're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me in a way and you are sorry about what you did. I think the first step, 100% apologizing for what you did.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know what this is making me also think about, Oakley? The number of times that I've apologized to you. There's a lot that I screwed up and a lot of mistakes that I made. And you guys have always been super gracious in not only hearing the apology, but accepting it. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
--:-- And there's one other thing I wanted to add to this. It's understanding that when your kids go off to college or they go off to camp or they have these experiences where they leave home for a little bit, they don't leave forever. In fact, Kendall, there have been a number of times that you've reflected on the fact that when you got to college, you had so many friends tell you that they had terrible relationships with their families. They fought all the time. They couldn't stand their siblings. The parents were going through a divorce, whatever it may be. But while they were at college and they gained some perspective, something really shifted. In fact, something wonderful often happened. And I would love for you to share that insight that you have when we come back from a really short break to hear a word from our sponsors. Would that be OK?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Awesome. Stay with us, everybody.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with us. It's your friend Mel, and I am here with my family. Kendall, Chris, Oakley. Sawyer is off on the other side of the world on a solo backpacking trip. We miss you, Sawyer, if you're listening to this. We're in the middle of answering a question from a listener named Chelsea. She's a mom, and she's worried that her 17-year-old son is mad at her, and mad at her because of some stuff that she did, and that she may have screwed up so badly that her son may never speak to her again.
--:-- Oakley is assured that your son is likely not mad at you, likely just mad at the world and taking it out on you. And Kendall, you're a college graduate. Would you share what happened when you got to college and your friends who did not have a great relationship with their parents or their siblings or their family? They get to college, they get a little perspective. What did you see happening time and time again?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Just that once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more. Now that you're one step closer to the real world and you've flown a bit from the nest, you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there. I think when you have space from that environment, you can start to see it in a new perspective. Your relationship with your family naturally sort of evolves once you move out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You've shared with me that you also get perspective on the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children. It widens hugely once you get to college. You sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school, but as you get a little older and get out there, you hear understanding of all the different ways.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Oh, yeah. And I think there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for. And now that I've had...
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're right here. You can tell us.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Well, that's what I'm doing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You knew in the moment. Don't even pretend.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: But there were dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Like what? Name one.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Didn't let me go to some parties. Didn't let me hang out with some people. Even if it wasn't preventing me from actually doing an activity, just giving me opinions that I didn't want to hear all the time, just parenting me. You know what I mean? There were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you and made me slam doors and point fingers, specifically middle fingers. And now that I have had a lot of years outside of the house and I don't live at home anymore and I've graduated college, I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to love me and set me up for success over and over and over. I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would have acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What do we do that pisses you off, Oak?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: We talk to him in the morning.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, that's...
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Honestly, that's my biggest thing. There's been so many times where I've been in the kitchen trying to fill up my water bottle for the day, and you come in and start having a conversation with me. And I want to uppercut you. I'm like, please get away from me.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I actually had the exact same experience this morning with mom.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, we had the worst fight, you guys.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Okay. You're still being dramatic, which is what you were doing this morning.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Can we talk about what happened?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy and rude.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you. You're welcome.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: And I'm really sorry for treating you like S-H-I-T because I was really rude this morning and I feel bad about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. Thank you.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Is that a blanket statement for everything that's happened up until now?
--:-- Mel Robbins: No, but you know what? I actually think it's a good thing to unpack because this is the kind of argument that we had this morning that happens over and over again in families, between siblings, between Chris and I. And it's just a stupid thing. But we got at each other over it. And here's what happened.
--:-- So I, what? I'm just laughing at like thinking about being a fly on the wall during that fight. I would have needed popcorn. Were you in your house?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Well, let me set the scene for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do it.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Mom and I, we had a mother-daughter dinner with my roommate and her mom. It was amazing. We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And a gummy.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: And a few gummies. And we were laughing. We laughed our butts off and just wore matching PJs to bed. Shout out to my roommate's mom. And we had booked a 7 a.m. workout class the night before. Before bed, we're climbing into bed, and we both are looking at each other saying, "No, we're not going to make the class. We're not going to make the class." But my mom had to be here at 9 in the morning, so we still had our alarm set pretty early.
--:-- So we go to bed. An hour into trying to fall asleep, my mom is a furnace. I'm sure you know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot.
--:-- Mel Robbins: More like a nuclear reactor.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes, I am.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Ironess is an understatement. I radiate heat?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes. And so all night I was tossing and turning, sweating.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Whoa. Whoa. Okay. But anyway, I was tossing and turning all night. Didn't get great sleep, partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees. And I was not on my Eight Sleep Pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So keep going. Sponsor of the show, shout out.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Oh, okay. That was smooth.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: So anyway, my alarm goes off at 6:30. Immediately turn it off and mom's like wide awake, turns over at me and is like, "We're not going to Pilates."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, question. I didn't stay here.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I'm like, "Don't you want to go to Pilates?" I said, "No, I told you last night we're not going." And she said, "Come on, will you come with me?" And I said, "No, I don't want to go." And she said, "OK." So then we both kind of fall back asleep. Another alarm goes off about 45 minutes later, 7:15. Anyway, this part is not really important. We just kind of went back and forth in the morning.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I was up at six in the morning. No, no, no, no. This part is important. Your bedroom is small. And I stayed with you last night. So I had a suitcase.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I needed to get ready. And you had offered to drive me here.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I was trying to get my suitcase packed.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: And well no, because here's... Here's scratch everything I just said. Just keep going. We wake up too early, miss our exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover and it's also bright outside and it's gloomy and my mom is 500 degrees in my bed. I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful, awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my little face and getting my little workout clothes on.
--:-- But instead I woke up, was 503 degrees. I opened my eyes and it looks like a tornado has gone through my room full of my mom's stuff.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I have so much sympathy for your life.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah. It's insane. It's insane. It's like everything that you own is alive and has legs and just picks a spot to spend the night that's not in the suitcase. So I wake up and immediately I'm hungover. I'm groggy. It's way earlier than I expected to be up because we said we weren't going to go to our workout class. Immediately my mom gets out of bed. She starts, I don't even know what, pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately, our energies were just completely not matched because she was, as she always is in the morning, "Hey, what's going on? Hey girl, are you ready to go?" And I'm like, I'm going to strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now.
--:-- So then she's all chipper and I'm just meeting her with really negative energy. And we just kind of got into it because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, she just shuts down. And then I'm like, "Don't shut down." And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed and we literally both laughed. And I was like, "Are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie. Do not do that." So we were kind of laughing but also kind of fighting. But then it kind of just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Totally. It was the worst. It was just horrible.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: And then I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she's because she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate or her roommate's mother, so she's which is fair and kind and considerate. And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed because I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all of her thing. And she's like, "Can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed." I'm like, "Can I just get my suitcase packed so I can get it off your bed?" "I need to make my bed right now." And they're like, "Okay, then I'll put it on the ground." And then she's making your bed in a fuss as I'm then trying. And we're bumping into each other because the whole room is tiny. And she's pissed off and I'm hot. And then I have a hot flash. And then she's like, "Shh, shh, you're going to wake him up." And I'm like, "I got to get my makeup done. I'm going to call an Uber." "You're not calling an Uber." So now we're bickering about everything. And also we're whispering. We weren't full volume bickering. And so that's how I'm already started.
--:-- And then we get in the car and we don't talk. And I'm in the worst mood and I don't want to drive her here. And she's I mean, because then she goes, "Well, I'll just get a car and go to Sirius." And I go, "No. Now I feel bad. I'm going to drive you." So then we go and get caught.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I meant it. Here's the thing. And this is why this is important. Unpack. I was more than willing to just get in an Uber and get out of your hair. And you let guilt make you do something you didn't want to do. And then you were mad at me about it. That's facts.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: But did you allow for her to step aside from the guilt? Did you say anything specific?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I said, "I'll just get an Uber, Ken, so you can get on with your morning and you can get yourself organized. It's totally cool." And she's like, "No, no, no. I want to drive you. I want to drive you. We'll go get coffee." And I'm like, "Okay, okay. I'll let you do it." And then we get in the car and she's like, kind of like, "Oh." You can tell when somebody's mad because they drive with their elbows up. They're really mad as they drive.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: And it's true.
--:-- Chris Robbins: That's LA.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: True. It's true.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you for apologizing.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah. Well, I also just think that she's about to rescind it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: No. And I actually do apologize because my negative energy got my own morning started off on the wrong foot. And then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated. But I don't. Here's what I learned this morning. I learned a number of things. You ready?
--:-- Number one, most of the time when you fight with people that you care about, it is about either energy not matching. So you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around like the Energizer bunny. Or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you and now I'm in the way of that. So however you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it. And you're not really mad at the other person. It's all this pent up energy that you feel because you're not able to just go about the beginning of your day the way that you want to.
--:-- And one of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important to distinguish because it's something I'm kind of proud of is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw them on your bed as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were making me move my stuff so you could make your bed. I just let you. Like the Let Them Theory. I'm just like, she's going to get pissed. She needs to make her bed in the huff. She wants to be all bitchy. Let her. Just let her.
--:-- And the second thing that I was able to do because I unhooked myself from you, even when we were in the car, I'm like, just let her be annoyed. Let her be mad about this. I don't have to fix it. I can let you have your emotion because your morning didn't go how you wanted it to go. And now you're pissed that you said you would drive me somewhere. We've all been there. But what diffuses it faster is not trying to actually change someone else's emotional state. Just let them be upset. Let them be mad. Let them feel guilty that they did something. And you just stay neutral in your body.
--:-- And there was one moment when we were fighting that I felt an old pattern come up. And it's something I've worked hard to get rid of. And here's the old pattern. I used to hold the things that I did for you guys over your heads when I was pissed at you. So for example, you and I went shopping yesterday and you were wearing the new running shoes I'd bought you and I was a millisecond away from going, "After all the things I bought you yesterday, you can't just let me pack." And I was like, "Nope. Nope, Mel." Thank you. Because if you want to buy somebody something, buy them something. But do not hold that shit over their head as a reason they need to be obedient to you. And that for me was a huge breakthrough on my part.
--:-- And I'm not saying I was the best this morning, but I want to share that insight because one of the hardest things for me when I was little was feeling like I had to behave to get love. I had to comply if somebody bought me something, that everything came with strings attached and that love was earned, not given. And not bringing up "after all the things I do for you, the stuff I just bought you" as a way to drill you to do something. I think that is so important not to bring into your relationships. If you want to do something nice for somebody, do it because you want to do something nice for somebody, not because you're going to expect them to owe you something because of it.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah. I also just think that in that situation, we both could have just taken a deep breath and relaxed because we were not in a rush, but we were acting like we were. So unless it's life or death and you're about to hop in an ambulance, if you're in that kind of situation, take a deep breath and actually think about what you need to move through that sort of negative energy hump. I could have just said to you, "Stop doing your makeup, stop curling your hair, stop brushing your teeth. Please for the next five minutes, just pick up your stuff and then I'll be chill." You know what I mean? But instead you were doing your makeup, pulling more stuff out, making more of a mess, doing this. And then I was trying to overcompensate by not just asking you to do the thing that I needed you to do. And you could have just said, "OK, I'm going to pick up my stuff. You go cool off in the kitchen." You know what I mean? Just breathe and talk about it because I was just getting very angry.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Just out of curiosity, when mom was, quote unquote, letting you do or be how you were, was that how did that feel? Was that working for you or was that just working for mom that she was letting you?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Oh, it definitely didn't work for me. And I was actually going to say thank you for bringing this up because I was actually going to say that if you are somebody that's going to practice the Let Them Theory, the other person that you're letting do their thing is probably going to get more of whatever emotion they're feeling before they're going to get less.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. You letting them. It's like when a kid is having a temper tantrum and you just let them cry it out. You're going to get more angry before you're going to cool down.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Yeah, it definitely was uncomfortable because I'm like, "I just want to bitch you out right now. But you're just all chipper in the corner over there letting me do my thing." But I do think it would have been nice if you could have just said, because dad brought up the guilt thing and how I let my guilt get the best of me. But if you don't care and you're going to let me do my thing, it would have been nice to just be like...
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I don't think it's about her not caring.
--:-- Chris Robbins: No, it's not your job. Your job to manage your guilt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: She does care. But ironically, there's nothing that she could have said that would have actually made the situation better.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: But I will say it didn't... Well, maybe we're just getting nitty gritty now and we're just bickering again. But it didn't feel like, "Ken, I seriously don't mind getting a car." It was like, "I don't care. I'll get a car." That was the energy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, and here's how the Let Them Theory works then. "Let me get a car." Fair. Right? Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean you have to own that.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: True.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Awesome. Thank you for unpacking that. Anything else as a takeaway?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Pick up your shit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, thank you for that.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Hug me next time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it, babe.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: What?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, we're gonna stop right now. Okay, we're stopping this. To be continued.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: To be continued.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Did you want to say anything, Oakley?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, actually I do have something I want to say.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, I think we should take a break.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, is it the Oakley Robbins Podcast now? Are you going to determine the breaks?
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, I just think people need a second to digest that story about you and Kendall, and I need to get a quick drink.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Okay, well, you go do that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, everybody. We'll be right back.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: All right, welcome back, everybody. I'm here with Mel Robbins, Chris Robbins, Kendall Robbins, and of course, myself, Oakley Robbins. Who's missing?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Sawyer Robbins, but you know, she's here in spirit. Yes. We're answering your questions. But before we jump back into these questions, my mom has something she wants to say.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. I want to share something with you that I would like to adopt as a family. You ready? Okay. So this is a tool I want our family to adopt. And it is something that I learned from our dear friends, Josh and David. Shout out to Josh and David. They learned it from their therapist and it is called Red Light, Green Light. And when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk or you feel overwhelmed or you just need quiet, you just say to somebody you love, "This is a red light moment." Because I know Chris sits in his office and you're very peaceful and Zen and you're working on your masters in spiritual psychology and you just hung up a Zoom where you've been coaching one of your coaching clients and I come rolling into your office like a tornado. And I'm not responsible for the fact that I'm probably disrupting your emotional peace. And one of the ways that you can also use this is when you walk into a room, go, "Hey, is this a green light moment? Can you talk about blah, blah, blah?" Do you like that, guys?
--:-- Chris Robbins: First of all, great tool. And I was sitting here thinking about what it's like to be the person who has to exclaim that it's a red light moment versus the person walking in the room opening with, "Is this a green light moment?" You know, there's obviously two sides to the coin.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I agree. I think that it should come from the red light. The person who needs the space, not you prompting it. And I think that is something because then you will feel more ownership as the person drawing the boundary rather than, "Is this okay for you right now?" And then you're like, "Um, I don't know." Because then if you say that and then they're like, "No, sorry, it's not," then I always feel bad.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And I think that is something that we have worked on in our relationship and it's still a work in progress, but you've gotten really good at it. Before, you used to just advice vomit whenever I was having a problem. And it was so frustrating because sometimes I didn't want advice. I just wanted you to listen. And you still do this thing that is way better than the vomiting of the advice, but is still sometimes triggering for me. When I come to you with something and you go, "Well, do you want me to listen or do you want advice?" That feels very much like, okay, well, if I tell you that I just want you to listen, I know you're just thinking about all the advice you want to give me. Do you know what I mean?
--:-- Chris Robbins: I actually love that cue because I feel like it allows me to know how you need me to show up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Maybe then I'm just in real time realizing that I need to be the one that tells you what I need, not you asking.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Well, sometimes you don't know what you need. That's why I use that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, but sometimes it feels... sometimes it's hard.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: My whole point being that I think it should come from the person that needs the space, not the prompting of the "What's your light? What's your light? What light are you?" It's like walking in, "Hey Chris, what's up? How was your Zoom call?" Assess the situation. If he's like, "Oh, great. It was awesome, Mel. What's up?" Then you can go in. And then if he goes, "It's actually a red light," then you can back off. But if you were to just take 30 seconds and kind of assess... Am I shutting you down?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Okay. I'm listening.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But that approach is not typically how a tornado enters any room. So true. We'll try it. So I hear what you're getting at.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: This is a no-go. I don't like it. I don't think anyone... Okay, we don't gotta do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, let's jump back into questions. "My daughter is struggling with our move. I waited for this year so we could move her as a freshman in high school. She was settling in nicely but didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with. Seeing all her friends back in our old state having fun and being dressed up, along with no one yet to hang out with after school, has her sad and anxious. Topping that, her sister and best friend also left our house for college a couple weeks ago. This courageous girl is losing momentum, becoming unsure and lonely. Please help."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You two both look very sad. I'm just thinking it over. That sucks.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: It's my homecoming weekend as well.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, right now?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: I'm missing the dance, yeah.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: But wait, did she still go to the dance?
--:-- Kendall Robbins: No. Very different story, though. You're a senior. You know everyone. We're talking about a freshman, new school, new town. Moving freshman year, if she had a bunch of friends that she used to know, a move is always going to be hard regardless. And also, homecoming is only like a month into school. High school isn't like the movie where the new girl comes in and she's stunning and then the perfect boy wants to go to homecoming with her. If you've been at school for a month and you've barely met people, it's understandable that you may not have a date to homecoming. And it's also your freshman year, and you have plenty more homecomings to look forward to when you do have a date. But do we know if she's trying to make friends or is she just kind of sitting around?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think she's doing what a lot of people do when they get to college, too. They look at their other friends having fun online.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Compare.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And she's comparing and she doesn't have a friend group yet. And she didn't have a date to homecoming.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Okay. I have an idea.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: Let's go.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Well, I think first and foremost, she needs to give herself some grace and understand that it's not going to happen overnight. Even if you're trying to make as many new friends as you possibly could, give yourself grace, but also don't lose your spark. Keep putting yourself out there as hard as that is. Freshman year, there are so many opportunities to meet people. You have a full year to meet a bunch of people. And I wouldn't compare yourself to your friends who already have their friend group back home. You have moved, so you're in a completely new space with new people. And all your friends are in an old place with old people who they already know. So it's not like they're moving faster than you are. They've just had 10 extra years with these people and you have known these people for the first time.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: So like I said, have some grace and branch out and meet new people. See it as an opportunity to expand your world and make even more amazing friends. Think about the friend group that you had where you lived before and tell yourself that you can find that here, too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's my take on it. Change is really hard. It's going to take a year. It's going to take an entire school year to feel comfortable being at that new school. And oftentimes when we're confronted and scared, we avoid facing the things we're scared of. It's very easy to sit on your phone and look at the lives of your old friends. And that's easier than putting yourself out there in the new school. Every small thing that you can do, from joining a club to taking classes that are more creative because you're going to be around more creative kids, to showing up to the dance without a date, to hanging out with other kids that are new in the school, to sitting at different tables in the lunchroom, to inviting people over to your house so you can find your people. Every single one of those moves is going to feel hard. And it's going to take a year and you should expect it. And when you expect that it's going to take a year to feel like you belong at a new school, you will have more grace for yourself.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You know, I'm a senior mentor at my school right now, which just means I have a group of first years that I look after.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And what I've taken away so far is just that everybody's going through stuff. Everybody has something going on. So you are 100% not alone in this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's a good perspective, because I think when you're new, you think everybody's got it figured out. So Oak, I think you've done such an awesome job today. You want to do the sign off right now? I mean, Kendall's already left the room. So do you want to do a sign off?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, I'm good. I'll just sit back and judge you this time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Stop. Well, all righty then. I had an amazing time with you listening and with our family here today. We had a ton of laughs and so many amazing insights. I'm really proud of how you guys show up. So thank you. And there were not as many petty arguments and disagreements as I thought. And if you are seeing family today, I want you to remember that no matter how everybody shows up to whatever you're doing at Thanksgiving or over the holidays, they may be going through something. So just show up with a little grace. Or maybe they've had a tough start to the morning like me and Kendall.
--:-- Kendall Robbins: That's Fox. Oh, she's back.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Or maybe they need some space. So as much as my family really trashed the Red Light, Green Light tip, I like it. So look for some green lights. And you always have the green light to hang out with us. Of course, anytime, any day, any week. I guess I'll take over the ending now. So if nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationships with your family members. Now go and do it and save me some of those Thanksgiving leftovers, especially the mashed potatoes and some gravy. It's my favorite.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, I love you and I want to tell you that I love you too. We'll talk to you in a few days. Happy Thanksgiving.
--:-- [Sound of chewing and rustling]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God. What? I can hear myself?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh yeah, this is the talkback. There it is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, here you go. Okay, I'm just getting our questions, guys. You hold it if you have to, so it doesn't pick you up.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Wait, should it just mute me? Because you're chewing. Does it mute?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, mute me.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: This is super legit. He's like, stop chewing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is my last bite. This is my last bite. Let's all be a family. Why don't we start because...
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Cut off the press.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, good. That's what we wanted. Here we go. Mel, you look fabulous.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Thank you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Thank you. I think I do too. I'm almost done looking at this. Love your new pants.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Thank you. I love you. I love your new shirt.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I got a pair in black, so. But this shirt is not new. It's very old. Are we just going straight in?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Uh-uh. First, let me open the show. Let me cough.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let me just tell you what's happening. Okay. Are you ready? You're booted. Yes.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Okay. You're out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, that was good. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
