Life Is Short (How to Spend It Wisely)

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. First of all, thank you so much for being here with me. And I also want to acknowledge you for taking the time to listen to something that could help you improve your life. I just think that's really cool that you're spending time on yourself.

Mel Robbins: So what are you and I going to talk about today? Well, there is this one sentence that I said a couple months ago. It was like a lightning rod. And I got to tell you something. Over the course of recording 170 episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast, this one sentence has created more write-ins, more comments than anything else that I have said in the history of the Mel Robbins podcast. And just to put that in context, I'm talking about hundreds of hours of podcast episodes and this singular sentence that just struck a chord.

Mel Robbins: So I just want you to stop and think before I tell you what it is. What do you think the topic even is? Like, what is it that I could have been talking about that had so many people from around the world write in? Well, I'm going to tell you. Here's what I said: this year I'm trying to be more intentional about spending time with our son Oakley before I become an empty nester. Holy smokes, it was like a rallying cry from around the world. And I understand why, because like me, you are realizing that time is slipping through your hands and you don't spend enough quality time with the people that you love.

Mel Robbins: Unfortunately in life, do you know when you realize that? You realize it only after the time has passed and you don't have the chance to anymore. And see, I'm at a moment in my life where it is so clear to me that I am never going to have this much time and this much access to our son Oakley as I do in the next three months. And I am not going to waste it. And that's what you and I are going to talk about today.

Mel Robbins: This conversation, by the way, is relevant whether you're about to be an empty nester, just like me and my husband Chris, or whether you're a lot younger but you don't see your parents or your siblings much anymore. Or maybe you're moving away to a new city, away from your friends, or you're going through a breakup and everything is changing about your life. But what isn't changing is the fact that time is slipping through your hands.

Mel Robbins: The research about how much time you have with the people that you love is downright terrifying. Let me just share some of this with you. By the time your kids are 12, according to the research, you'll have spent 75% of the time that you have with them. And by the time your kids turn 18, you will have spent 90% of the time that you have with them during your life. And you know what that means when you're younger? It means that when you move out of your house and you head off to college or you head off to the military and you start your life when you're 18 years old, you will have spent 90% of the time that you have with your parents gone.

Mel Robbins: I don't want you to make the mistake of letting the precious time that you have left slip through your hands. You have to be more intentional about the people that you love. And that's what you and I are going to talk about today. And I'm going to share the seven things that I want you to think about and do that will help you make the most of the time that you have.

[Theme music fades in and out]

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's Mel. I'm so glad that you're here with me today. And I just told you about this singular sentence that I said a couple months ago on a podcast episode. You have written in about this sentence, about this idea, more than any single thing in the history of the Mel Robbins podcast. And here was what I said: I am trying to be more intentional about spending the time that I have with my son Oakley before I become an empty nester. And it was like, I don't know what is going on. I don't know if we're all just so busy that we've lost sight of how fast time is slipping through our fingers. But it's very clear that you feel the same sense of urgency around time that I do.

Mel Robbins: I have this story that I want to start our conversation with. It's a story about an ice cube. A couple of years ago, I was sitting with a really good friend of mine, Dave. And during this time, Oakley had just started off as a freshman in high school. I was sitting there reminiscing about how I just can't believe how fast time goes by, particularly when you think about it in the context of kids growing up, whether you're thinking about your own kids or you're just thinking about your own life, like how fast you went from zero to graduating from high school and then graduating from college.

Mel Robbins: So I'm sitting there talking to my buddy Dave, and I was just talking about the fact that one of our daughters, oh my gosh, was already graduating from college. Another one was out in Los Angeles starting college. And how Oakley was already in high school. Like, when did that happen? And how it made me feel so sad that time was passing so fast. And I didn't know what to do, but I just felt this heaviness about it. And I'll never forget it because we were sitting there talking about this and Dave has kids too. And all of a sudden he kind of took a deep breath and he turned to me and he said, "I understand exactly how you feel. Because the time that you have with the people that you love, it's like a melting ice cube."

Mel Robbins: I'll never forget it. That image is so powerful, isn't it? The image of a melting ice cube. I don't know why, but when he said it, I had this kind of picture in my mind of just an ice cube sitting on a countertop in a kitchen. Like when you're cleaning up at night, maybe some ice that was in an ice bucket sits on a counter. Isn't it amazing how there can be an ice cube on the countertop in your kitchen? Or maybe it drops on the floor and you're like, "Oh, I'll pick that up later." And you walk out of the room and an hour later you walk back in, gone. That's exactly what happens with time. The time that you have with people that you love is a melting ice cube.

Mel Robbins: With kids in particular, I referenced this as we started our conversation today. This research comes from the American Time Study. By the time your kids are 12, the ice cube is 75% melted. Isn't that crazy? By the time they leave for college, which is where I'm at with our son Oakley, that ice cube is like a little chip floating in a puddle. And it's true about the time that you have with your parents. According to the American Time Study, as soon as you leave home, you'll spend less and less time with your parents and it will decline for the rest of your life. You only got 10% of it left after you turn 18 and you leave home.

Mel Robbins: And here's the sad truth: you and I, we can't stop the ice cube from melting. And this is my mission today. My mission is that our conversation reminds you and me not to just walk out of the room and expect the ice cube to be there when you come back. Because the ice cube with our son, it will be a puddle. And the ice cube with your kids or with your parents or your siblings, it's going to be a puddle. And I'll tell you what, I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around and watch it melt. I am going to make the moments that I have before he leaves for school count. And I'm going to do the same thing with my parents. In fact, I need to do that with a lot of people that I care about. And I want you to do the same thing too.

Mel Robbins: So let's talk about how you do that. Because we already talked about the fact that you and I can't stop the melting, but you can make the most of it. And there are seven things that I have done this year that have really helped me prioritize the time that I have with Oakley. And I'm going to walk you through all of these. And I'm going to warn you, some of these sound obvious. If these seem obvious, good. It means you know what you need to do. I hope that my conversation and sense of urgency with you today makes you do it.

Mel Robbins: The first thing that you need to do is you got to say it's a priority. And that's exactly what I did. I said last year, "It is a priority in my life this year to spend as much time as I can with Oakley because I've already missed out on too much." I'm going to say that again. It is a priority for me to spend as much time as I can with our son Oakley before he leaves for college because I've already missed out on too much. I know that that ice cube has melted and I was not there for it, but I'm going to be there now.

Mel Robbins: I want to break down this statement because this is the first step. It's kind of obvious, but there's two parts. You have to say this is a priority. You have to do that. And I want you to stop and think right now as you're listening, who is it for you? I'm serious. Who is the priority for you right now? If you could pick one person that was your priority this year to make sure that you make the most of the time that you have with them this year, who is it?

Mel Robbins: Well, I've got two people. Obviously Oakley. Oakley's graduating from high school. But there's another one. My dad is turning 80 in August. And when I think about my dad being 80 years old, both my grandfathers were dead by this time. Chris's dad died at the age of 69. So for me, this is a real priority. I have this sense that the time is slipping through my hands and we're not going to get it back.

Mel Robbins: What about you? Who's the person that you want to make a priority this year? Maybe it's your best friend. You never see them. They moved on, they have a big job or whatever, and every time you pick up the phone and call them, you're like, "We should get together, we should get together," but you never make plans. Maybe it's a grandparent. Time just keeps passing and you realize, "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen my grandmother in three years." She lives halfway across the country and she's in a retirement home. Or maybe it's your siblings. There's someone in your life that needs to become a priority.

Mel Robbins: And I want to talk about the second part of that sentence, because the second part of the sentence is just as important as the first part where you say, "It is a priority for me to spend more time with this person." The second part of the sentence that I said is, "Because I've already missed out on too much." This is the recognition of the water and the puddle that the melting ice cube is sitting in. This is the part of the relationship where you left the room while the ice cube was on the counter and time passed and you come back and holy cow, you realize there's a lot that you missed out on.

Mel Robbins: And it's so important for you to let yourself feel this second piece. What have I missed out on by allowing myself to be too busy? And I really want you to drop in and feel this because it's important and it's uncomfortable. And there's a reason why, and I want to unpack this a little bit. It's because when you think about all the things that you missed out on, you're of course going to feel bad. But I want to explain what that feeling is. That tension, that time that has passed, the things that you missed out on, like the things that I've missed out on with our son. You know what that is? That's grief that you're feeling.

Mel Robbins: And the thing that's beautiful about grief is that grief is just all the love that you have for a person that you haven't expressed or you didn't get a chance to express. And it's an expression of love. And I want you to sit with that for just a second and really think about what have you missed out on. And it's a powerful motivational force when you really tap into that. "Wow, I kind of bummed that this happened because I really love this person." I feel that way about my parents all the time. They live a 16-hour drive from here and I have a lot of grief about how much of my life has gone by without seeing them all the time.

Mel Robbins: And it's important for you to feel this because it is a motivational force to get you to wake up and take this seriously. Because I think, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know time's passing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah." But we're too cavalier about this. And when I sit in the grief of what I've missed out on, for me, there's a lot. I mean, boy, particularly with our daughters. Because if I think back, I was the only breadwinner in our household when our daughters were in middle school and high school. I mean, I was responsible for earning money. And the thing is, it wasn't just to pay the bills. We were so in debt. I felt this extraordinary amount of pressure to keep working, not to slow down. I felt like I had zero freedom to say no to anything, to have any boundaries with work whatsoever. And so I not only left the room, I was gone while that ice cube was melting because somebody needed to pay the lacrosse fee. Somebody needed to pay the car payments. Somebody needed to pay for the eighth grade Washington, D.C. field trip that so many public high school students go on.

Mel Robbins: I miss my daughter Sawyer's entire varsity lacrosse season. I miss the majority of our daughter Kendall's varsity field games. And there was a time even not so long ago when I was living separately from Oakley and Chris because they had moved up to southern Vermont. It was in the middle of the pandemic and I had to stay in Boston in order to keep the company afloat. So I also missed out on like two and a half years of living with Oakley and Chris and being part of his day-to-day high school, even though it was mostly remote.

Mel Robbins: And I bet if you're a working parent or a working grandparent, or you're really busy in your job and you never see your parents, you're probably nodding along, right? If you're that grandparent who lives really far away from your kids and you don't get to just show up at the soccer games, you're like, "Yeah, I feel this, Mel. I feel this deep in my heart." If you're the parent that has been just slugging away, trying to pay the bills, my God, like it's, what are you going to do? I get it. And you're probably thinking about this and you're also thinking about how it relates to your parents as they're getting older.

Mel Robbins: And the reason why I want you to think about these things that you missed out on from a place of grief is so that you tap into the love that you have for people. I don't want you to feel guilty about what you needed to do because it's not going to make you want to change if all you're doing is making yourself wrong. And besides, if you're making yourself wrong about what you did in the past, is that going to change it? No. But when you reframe this feeling as grief, that it's just the love that you didn't get to express physically, it will fuel the motivation that you have to change and to wake up right now and to start to take this seriously. In fact, research says that grief and regret can be really good when you use it to motivate yourself to change behavior in the future.

Mel Robbins: So that's the first thing. I want you to say it out loud. You got to say it's a priority. I want you to have right now the person or the two people that you're really going to prioritize this year. And then I want you to just sit just for a minute with that grief. I want you to think about the things that you weren't there for, the things that maybe you missed out on because you got really busy or you had a ton of stuff that you needed to do or life just happened. It's okay. But now what are we going to do about it?

Mel Robbins: Because here's the second tool. I'll tell you what you're going to do about it. You're going to tell people. You cannot keep this a secret buried in your heart. And just for background, like a lot of you, I traveled for work. And when I wasn't on the road for work, I would be on Zoom calls after dinner or on phone calls on the side of the soccer matches. I've been the one that's been late to the parent-teacher conferences if I made them at all. I had never been in a position to be the person that was the sports team parent. I'd never been the homeroom parent. I took 95% of my energy in the past and just aimed it all at paying off our debt, paying our mortgage. And it was that way for a really long time. And I just felt like I didn't have the bandwidth or the flexibility to do the things that I really wished I would have been able to do.

Mel Robbins: And maybe you don't either. Maybe you don't either. And I need you to hear that it doesn't make you a bad parent. The fact is I didn't feel like a bad parent back then when I was constantly working because I knew that what I was doing mattered and I knew that it was a way that I could support my family. And I just tried hard to work on being there in other ways. But there was something inside of me just recently when I saw this study, the American Time Study, and I stopped and I truly reflected on this statistic. Holy cow. This is it for me. Like, this is it. This is my last kid in high school. This is the last year of high school. I'm not missing out on a chance to be a bigger part of his high school life.

Mel Robbins: And that doesn't mean any drastic changes. And this is the good news. It's not like I quit my job. It doesn't mean I changed a thousand things, but I did do a few little things. And it started with first saying, "This is a priority because I'm not going to miss out on anything more." And the second thing is I got very vocal. And this is a big change for me. I had to tell Chris, I had to tell Oakley, I had to tell everybody they work with that this is a priority not to miss out on all the things that I've been missing out on. This is a priority to not be working on the weekends. This is a priority to stop working certain days at three o'clock to be sure that I can be there.

Mel Robbins: I'm doing the same thing with my parents. I mentioned earlier that I don't want the time to slip through my hands with my dad. What's funny about my parents is, turns out my parents haven't been waiting for my call. Every time I call them, I'm like, "I want to see you guys more. Let's make a plan." They're busy. They're getting their haircuts and doing Mahjong and playing golf. And I keep saying, "We doing something for your 80th, dad?" My dad's like, "I don't want a surprise. I don't know. I might do something with the golf guys. It's okay. I don't want to do this." I'm like, "Okay, okay."

Mel Robbins: You got to tell the people that are a priority to you that you're going to do something different this year, that you're going to take the lead. And here's one other thing that I need you to do. You know that person that you had in mind that you're like, "Okay, I got to make them a priority." Whether it's one of your kids, whether it's a sibling, whether it's a parent, I want you to share this episode with them and just send it to them in a little text. Just forward them this episode and say, "This really made me think about you. And I want to see you and I'm going to make it a priority and I'm going to call you later and we're going to make a plan. I love you."

Mel Robbins: Okay. So why don't you do that? Share that with the person in your life that you want to make the most of the time that you have with. And we're going to take a quick break so you can hear a word from our sponsors. And when we return, I've got five more things that I did that is helping me make the most of the time that I have with someone that I love. And you're going to love them, so don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.

[Ad break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back, it's your friend Mel. And we're talking about how time with your loved ones is like a melting ice cube. And I'm sharing the seven things that I'm doing to be more present with my son Oakley before he graduates from high school this year and my husband and I are empty nesters. So I just shared the first thing that I did, which is I actually said, "This is a priority because I have already missed out on too much." And I want you to do that too. "This is a priority because I've already missed out on too much."

Mel Robbins: Second thing I want you to do: say it out loud and tell everybody. Okay? Tell everybody. And it's important that you make this declaration that this is a commitment that you have for yourself this year because you love this person. And so that brings me to the third thing that I did that I want you to do. Put it in the calendar. You got to mark the date.

Mel Robbins: And here's what I mean by that, because there's a few steps. You need to mark the dates in the calendar, because if you're just thinking about it, it's not real. Putting something in the calendar makes it real. It makes it a priority. So the first thing that I did with Oakley, because even though I told him, "Dude, I am going to show up differently this year. I want to be a big part of your senior year of high school. I don't want to miss out on this time with you." He's like, "Okay, yep. All right. Sounds good." He's got a life to live. This is not his obligation to change. It's mine.

Mel Robbins: And so I printed out the school calendar. And as soon as I got all the sports calendars, I got the ski season calendar, the ultimate Frisbee calendar. Here's what I did. I put it in my work calendar. See, typically I would keep my personal calendar and my business calendar separate. But if you want to make something a priority or someone a priority, put it in the calendar that's actually a priority for you. Because whether you make it to the sports game or not, the fact that every single game home and away is not in the personal calendar, it's actually sitting right there in the work calendar, it keeps it front and center. Just a dumb little change like that, that tiny little tweak of intentionality. Because again, they're not changing. You are.

Mel Robbins: I made it to more sporting events than I had ever made before. I'm so proud of that. And I know it sounds kind of lame, but for all my working parents out there, and for those of you that have missed out on a lot of time, you know what a big deal this can be. And something interesting also happened. See, Chris has always been the first call parent in our household, meaning he's the first number. He's always the contact for the sports teams. And since I've been traveling and working so much, people are not used to seeing me around. But since I'm now showing up, since I'm making this a priority, I'm not letting this ice cube melt. For the first time ever, I'm really in the loop about what's going on. And you're going to find that that's true too.

Mel Robbins: And in fact, I had this super cool experience. This might sound dumb to you, but it was like a highlight of my life so far with Oakley. A bunch of parents and I snuck onto the high school bus before a huge Alpine ski team race. They were going off to some regional thing and we decorated that bus. It looked like a bunch of strippers were going to come onto that thing because I went into the decoration aisle at Walmart. I made up for 10 years of having that ice cube melt. I bought out every piece of tinsel, every streamer, every you know what. I bought the chalk markers. I colored every window. I decimated that bus with decorations. And I felt so bad that I even gave the driver a Dunkin Donuts gift card and some cash and a couple extra garbage bags because he refused to take our offer to have him get some help to have it cleaned up.

Mel Robbins: And let me tell you something. When Oakley got onto that bus, he texted me and said, "You wouldn't believe what the parents did." And I said, "Dude, I was part of it." And he was shocked, absolutely shocked and thrilled. "You did? This is unbelievable." And it was so freaking cool. Again, is it the biggest thing? No. You may do this all the time, but to me this was a really big deal. And until you make something a priority, you're going to keep missing out on this stuff.

Mel Robbins: And when it comes to my parents, because I shared that my dad turned 80 and I am very, very aware that that ice cube is melting. They live over 16 hours from me. I'm not driving there. They're not driving here. And I realized that we are together two to three times a year maximum. And so when it comes to my parents, how do you do that in the calendar? Well, it's critical because Oakley lives with me and he's super busy and I barely see him and he's a senior in high school and he doesn't want to hang out with his mom. And so it's my job to insert myself somehow into his life. Same thing's true with my parents. Just because they're 80 and retired doesn't mean it's their job to make sure our relationship's amazing.

Mel Robbins: And here's the truth. Like you may be experiencing your life, my parents are 16 to 18 hours away from me. I'm not driving all the way to Michigan. They're not driving all the way here. And the older that my kids get and the older that my nephews get, the harder it is to get everybody together. And I realize, if I really think about it, at this point, we only get together in terms of my brother and his wife and their two kids and Chris and I and our three kids and my two parents. We only get together two to three times a year maximum at this point. And as our daughters are getting older and they're entering the workforce, it's getting harder and harder and harder. And so the calendar is essential.

Mel Robbins: We started planning my dad's 80th birthday celebration almost two years in advance. Why? Because we're trying to coordinate 12 people. And if you don't get ahead of everybody's schedules, it's not happening. And I think that's important to understand. Everybody's busy. I don't care if you're retired, if you're 12 years old. And that's why getting it in the calendar and getting serious about this is how you mark these dates. Because if you don't mark the date, it's not happening. If you don't put it in the calendar, it's not real. It's not their job, it's your job. The time is going to pass. And if it's a priority to you, you gotta figure out how to fit into what they're doing.

Mel Robbins: And so another way to use your calendar is I've put a little alarm in my calendar, again, not personal, in work, to call my parents twice a week. And that way I use my calendar to make sure I'm marking dates so that the time is not passing without doing my part. Because again, if it's not in the calendar, it's not happening.

Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the fourth thing that I've done. As you're starting to make your plans and you're starting to mark your dates, I just want to underscore this because I've been hinting at this. This whole thing is not about other people reciprocating the effort you're putting in. Because here's the huge headline: you're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. That ice cube, that's their life. As it's melting, you realize you want to be a part of it. You don't want to miss out on it. So don't make the mistake of expecting everyone to just drop their plans because you want to come into town.

Mel Robbins: And this is a really, really important note. Because I think, if I'm being brutally honest with myself and with you, I think particularly with my parents, we got into a little bit of a tit for tat kind of thing. You know, where you kind of go, "Well, you got to come to me or you got to come to me." Or, "Well, the kids are busy, so why would I come if they're going to be busy running around and I'm not even going to get to see them?" And then in that sort of tit for tat, who's doing more, who's making more of an effort? And you find yourself in a little bit of a standoff. A little bit. I think you know what I'm talking about. A little bit of a friction, a little bit of tension there. You know what happens during those years? Lots of melting.

Mel Robbins: And this is an important note for me to remind myself of because the fact is Oakley's going through the last days of high school. His top priority is not time with his mother. He wants to see his friends. He doesn't want to drop his weekend plans because his mother has nothing to do. And look, I know you're going to jump through a bunch of hoops. Like when you just race out of work at three o'clock so you can get home, so you can be there for something, and you fight traffic and you have all this stress around it, you make this Herculean effort and your kids don't even want to hang out with you. It sucks. And it's also the reality.

Mel Robbins: And I realized that when you fly across country and you make time to spend with your family, because you know your parents are getting older, and it's like, okay, it's not everything that you thought it would be. That's okay. What you need to keep reminding yourself is you're doing this because this is the kind of person that you are. You're showing up because it matters for you. And you've got to figure out how to insert yourself into what's already going on.

Mel Robbins: And I'll give you a great example. Because I'm always trying to find time where I can get Oakley trapped into a car, right? Because I figure if we're in a car, then he's going to have to talk to me. So I was so excited when we were going on college tours recently to check out some of the schools that he's considering. And I thought, "Oh my gosh, it's going to be the best. We are going to be in the car for hours and then we're going to tour these colleges and then on the drive home we're going to get all this stuff that we're going to be able to talk about. Oh my gosh, I can't wait."

Mel Robbins: That is not what happened. Are you kidding? We get up at the crack of dawn. He brings a pillow. He sleeps the entire drive to the college. We get into the tour and he wants me to not be standing next to him. He's like four paces ahead of me because of course I'm embarrassing him. And if I ask a question, he shoots me a look. And then we get back in the car and we drive home. And you know what he does?

Mel Robbins: He sticks his earbuds in and listens to an audio book. Not exactly the massive profound bonding experience, but I don't care. I don't care because I got to be there and I didn't do it for him. I did it for me.

Mel Robbins: And I call my parents all the time and I say, "Hey, do you guys want to come out? I'd be happy to buy an airplane ticket. We'd love to see you." And they're like, "Oh my gosh, we're so busy, but you can come here." You're just kind of chuckling, aren't you? If this matters to you, stop doing the tit for tat. Stop waiting for people to drop everything and be thrilled that you showed up. It's important because it's important to you. It's important because you're the kind of person that shows up, and that's all you need to know.

Mel Robbins: And the other thing that you need to know is we have some amazing sponsors to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So I want to take a quick break so they can tell you all about the awesome things that they can do. And while you're on this break, send this to somebody that you love. And if you're listening and it's your parents that you miss, maybe you're working in a city and you're starting your career and you're thinking, "Oh my God, I've spent 90% of the time that I have already with my parents. I only have 10% of time left, and every year it's going to be less. I miss my mom. They're like the coolest." Send this to them and tell them that this made you think about them and how much you love them and that you just wanted them to know. I promise you it will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine.

Mel Robbins: And when we come back, we're not done yet because we're just getting started with some of the small things that create amazing moments with the people that you love. So stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.

[Break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. And you and I are talking about how to make the most of the fleeting time that you have with the people that you love. And you just heard about how making these plans is something that you're doing for you. And when you keep that in mind, it'll keep your ego and your frustration in check, and you will be able to show up and make the effort and be present and lower your expectation for how it actually goes. You know, let them. Because you know that this is about letting me take responsibility for making the most of the time that I have. So I feel really good about how I spent it.

Mel Robbins: And that leads me to the fifth thing that I did that has made a huge difference that I want you to steal. And I've been alluding to it, okay? Which is: really think not about how do I get someone to make plans with me or agree to plans, but how can I fit into someone's life? How can I do this in a way that doesn't disrupt what they're doing, that's convenient to them?

Mel Robbins: And I think we make this mistake a lot that we think that we've got to plan something big, right? That in order for it to be meaningful, we've got to go away somewhere, we've got to find a weekend, we've got to do something profound that's going to take hours and hours and hours. And the truth is, that's not how you do it. You have to figure out how to become more present in someone's day-to-day life. Because if you make the mistake of thinking, "Okay, I'm going to plan for my dad's 80th," which you need to do. You need to put that in the calendar or else it's not going to get organized. But the bigger way to not have that experience of walking out of the room when the ice cube is intact and walking back in and it's fully gone, is to figure out how to stay in the room in tiny little ways.

Mel Robbins: So here's a couple things that I've thought about as it relates to Oakley. Yeah, I can be in the car with him as we're driving to certain things, and that's a way to be present with him. But this has been a remarkable tip, which is: think about the person and what their life is like. And Oakley, being a senior in high school, he just wants to be with his friends. I mean, this is the last time he's going to be with his friends. This is the last summer of his high school year. This is all happening before he goes off to college. And so given that he just wants to be with his friends, why don't I use that to my advantage? Instead of making him choose between me and his friends, why don't I make them part of the deal?

Mel Robbins: Just think about it. I'm more likely to get him home for dinner if I text him and two friends. "Hey, Sully. Hey, Noah. I'm making steaks on Friday. Why don't you guys all come on over for dinner?" They'll respond faster than Oakley will. "Oh yeah, Mel, I'll be there." And now, boom, I not only have my son, but I've got his friends. And now because his friends are there, he's not going to be sitting there silently at dinner, just not wanting to talk. They're going to be chirping like birds. So think about how to make it more welcoming for your kids' friends or for their significant other.

Mel Robbins: And let me give you another example. So one of Oakley's favorite things to do after school or after sports is having dinner. And then he goes right up to his room and he takes a shower and then he parks himself in front of the video game monitors and he pops on his headset and he just hangs out with his friends and they play Fortnite and all these other games. I don't know what other games are playing right now. And look, if I were upset about that because he's not spending time with me, I would be trying to make him choose between something he wants to do right now and hanging out with his friends versus having a conversation with his mother in the living room. I mean, please, I'd be playing video games with my friends too.

Mel Robbins: But here's what I can do. I can take my coffee and I can walk up to his bedroom and I can knock on the door and I can walk in and I can pull up a chair and I can sit off screen so I don't embarrass him that his mom is sitting there, and I hang out while he's playing. I'm just showing interest. I'm in the room where the ice cube is. And look, he may get killed a couple extra times because I'm kind of distracting, but it's a way to be in their life instead of trying to get them to make plans that take them out of their life. It's such a subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to insert yourself.

Mel Robbins: The same is true with your parents. Don't make them change their plans. Go to them. Don't make them call you. Call them. I know they're retired. I know they've got more time than you do. But for God's sakes, get out of the tit for tat and stop thinking it's got to be big. It actually needs to be really small. Because when it's really small, you can fit it into your daily life. And it keeps you in the room with the ice cube. And that slows down this feeling that things are melting.

Mel Robbins: And here's the sixth thing that I did. I got very serious about being present, and here's how I did that. I talk a lot on the podcast about being where your feet are, and this is particularly true if you're going to stay in the room with the ice cube and you're going to insert yourself into their life. And one of the ways that you can be more present is a huge thing that I've been super intentional about. And it's made a big, big, big difference in my time with Oakley. As I'm aware that I'm not going to let time slip through my hands, you want to know what I don't have in my hands? My phone.

Mel Robbins: And this is something that has helped me this year in feeling like I'm not letting the time that I have pass through my hands, like just fly right through. And here's what it is: being where my feet are, not having my phone in my hand when I'm trying to be in the room with Oakley. See, the old Mel, it took everything I could just to get to the sporting event when our daughters were playing, right? So if I actually made it there, I was that parent on the sidelines who was buried in my phone. I was sending emails, and then all of a sudden all the parents around me would cheer and I'd be like, "What happened? Who scored?" And if the kids were like, "Did you see me?" "Yeah, yeah, great play, great play." And I missed the whole thing.

Mel Robbins: I would be the one that would step out of the bleachers to take a phone call near the end zone. I'd be pacing back and forth, trying to wave, trying to make eye contact to get credit for being there. But was I there? Physically, yes, but I was checking a box. I wasn't actually present watching the game. I was working remote at my kid's game. Not the same thing. And I'm not saying that to make you or me wrong, because it was a Herculean effort just to get there. And that was enough at that point, but that's not good enough for me right now.

Mel Robbins: So I make it a point to be where my feet are and to not have my phone in my hand. If Chris is at the sporting game, I leave my phone in the car because I can use his phone to take photos if I want to take photos. But if I'm going to the game and nobody's there, that phone is either in the car or in my pocket, period. Same thing with being home at night. And this is a huge tip about being more present to the time that you have. Your phone is destroying your ability to be present. Your phone is robbing you of time. Your phone is like a torch blower on that ice cube because you are giving all of your attention and time to the damn phone instead of being present with the people in the room.

Mel Robbins: And I know what you're about to say: "But my kids are on the phone." Well, you're on your phone too. You're on your phone too. Why would they not be on their phone? And so one of the things that I have done to be where my feet are is that at night, it's very hard to reach me. My team will tell you, it's very, very hard to reach Mel from like six to eight o'clock at night. And I'll tell you why, because I don't have my phone on my person. It is literally plugged in in my bathroom or it is plugged in in my office upstairs above the garage. And the reason why I don't have my phone on me is because I want to be physically present in the same room, even if my son is on his phone or listening to something. I want to make sure that I'm there. Not because I'm doing it for him, but because I'm doing it for me.

Mel Robbins: And if I'm being brutally honest again, this used to be a huge issue with me and my mom because I would make an effort to go spend time with them, but I was on my phone and I was working the whole time I was there. And I was doing everything that I could to try to fulfill the obligations at work and also be a good daughter. But it came to a head one year when I called my mom and I said, "Hey, I want to come down and see you and dad, but I only have like a day and a half. I'm going to fly in between one speech and then fly out." My mom said, "Don't bother coming." I was like, "What?" And she said, "I would rather not see you than have you come and have you be working on your laptop or sitting on your phone and having me just feel like you're squeezing me in." Wow.

Mel Robbins: And you know what? She's right. And she has every right to say that. And if that's you in your life, I'm not making you wrong. I'm not making you wrong because I've been there. And if you are dying for more quality time with somebody in your life, and they're always working, if they're always on the phone, maybe you need to say what my mom said to me. Because I'll tell you what, it was a wake-up call. "Wait a minute, you'd rather I not come than I make a Herculean effort and work all the time, but I can be present?" But see, this is the thing. Is it about the quantity of time that you're spending there or the quality of time? And I'm asking you to ask yourself this, because these are the questions I'm asking myself as I look at these melting ice cubes in my life, and I get very clear that this is a huge priority for me.

Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the final thing I keep telling myself: it's not too late. It's not too late, period. And I want you to understand that simply making it a habit to start to reach out and check in on people that you love, that is enough to start to take control of this. The research shows that you underestimate the profound power of receiving a simple text from a friend that you haven't heard from in a while.

Mel Robbins: In fact, this morning I woke up and I got out of bed and there was a video on my phone from my friend, Anne. And I haven't seen Anne in a month or, gosh, it might've been two months. We text occasionally, but there was a video from her and it was hilarious because she was like, "How's your book going? I know you're writing a book and writing a book." And she was singing this little song and she's going on a walk and she's like, "Get the book written, get the book written because I miss you. Let's make the plan. I love you." It's hilarious. And so you know what I did? I sang her a song back on video while I was literally still in my pajamas and I hadn't even brushed my teeth and I had my retainer in. And it makes me feel closer to her. Just that one connection.

Mel Robbins: And one of the things that we've done in our extended family that has really made a significant difference in the last couple of years is we've created an extended family group chat. And I know that your family probably has a group chat. So do we, with you and your kids or you and your immediate family. And I guarantee you, it's probably 90% logistics, right? "You run to the grocery store, you let the dog out, you're da-da-da-da-da." Well, our extended family, which is my brother and his family, they live outside of Chicago. My parents, they're in Michigan and sometimes in Florida. Our kids, so some of us are in Vermont. Our daughter Sawyer was in Asia. Our other daughter's in LA. We have this family group chat with 12 of us in it and the hilarious name. It's active every day.

Mel Robbins: And you want to know how it started? It started thanks to Wordle, that little word puzzle game in the New York Times. See, during the pandemic, we started sharing our Wordle responses, you know, like when you do the game and then it shows you how many you got or what you didn't get. So we just started casually sharing them. And it has spun into this incredible way to stay connected, to be in the room with each other, so to speak, at least virtually.

Mel Robbins: And yeah, my brother and my sister-in-law and my husband and I are the ones that truly keep it going. But the kids chime in. There are cute pictures of dogs. There's photos of the water polo matches in Chicago with my nephews playing. There's pictures from Sawyer in Asia. There's a text there from Kendall recording sessions and music in LA. There are fun memes. There are lots of hearts of the things that the adults are posting. And I am shocked by how much closer I feel to everyone. Because if I'm seeing their names and seeing photos most days, I don't have that sensation of leaving a room and walking back in and being surprised by how much time has passed. Again, it's a simple way to stay in the room that someone's in and insert yourself into their life and what they're already doing.

Mel Robbins: So now that you have someone in mind, because remember at the very beginning, I said you have to make this a priority. Who is the person for you? Create a group chat with a bigger group around that person and that group of friends or that extended family. And by the way, if you're sitting here and you're saying, "But it is too late, the ice cube has not only melted, it's gone. That the person that you wished you had more time with has died," like Chris's dad did. Don't pummel yourself with regret about all the time that has slipped through your hands and the love that you didn't get to express while they're still here. You still feel all that love, and here's what you can do with it. Name the person who's still in your life and make them a priority right now. Use this life lesson to get serious about spending time with the person who's still here.

Mel Robbins: And you know what makes this melting ice cube metaphor really profound? It's that my friend Dave, who shared it with me, passed away really suddenly last year. Just another painful reminder that life does pass you by. That the ice cube is melting. That your life is finite. And so is the time that you have with the people that you love. So hug your kids every single chance you get. And if your parents are still here, hug them too. Because you can't stop the ice cube from melting, but you can recognize that it is. And now you can do something about it. And I hope you do.

Mel Robbins: And in case no one else tells you, let me be the one to say that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And that means getting honest with yourself about who in your life is a priority and then waking the heck up and making them one. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days.

[Outtake]

Mel Robbins: Great. Okay. You ready? Okay, got it. Okay. Hey, it's Mel and I'm so glad you're here. It's an absolute honor. Hold on. Here, can you guys throw me a pen just so that I can... The ice cube is not only melted, it's gone. I'm literally like, did you see my face? I don't know what happened. I could not read those words. Okay, I'm writing this down. Okay. I was like, my brain does not compute. Okay. You ready? Oh, okay, let me try this. Okay. I can't believe I got that out of my mouth.

Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.