--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That is Oakley Robbins. Hey guys.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God. I'm so excited you're here.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Me too. It's been a long time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It has. And we get a lot of questions, comments, requests for you. So I am so happy that you wanted to sit down, Oak. For those of you who are new to the Mel Robbins podcast, welcome. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a *New York Times* bestselling author and one of the world's most respected experts on motivation and change. And this is my son.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I am not a *New York Times* bestseller, but I don't know. I'm the son of a *New York Times* bestseller. There you go.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Awesome. You're amazing. Awesome. I wanted to talk to you because you just came into the kitchen a couple minutes ago and you were like, "Oh my God, I just had the best therapy session." And I thought to myself, first of all, how cool is that? And then I had the second thought, Oak, which is I bet Oakley is about to share something that is insightful, profound, and incredibly helpful. And I absolutely love the fact that you're willing to talk to me about what you're learning from your therapist because it's almost like a two for one. I get value from it too. You benefited from the conversation. I benefit from it when you share it with me. And now you listening, you get to benefit from Oakley's therapy session too.
--:-- And if you're new to the podcast, it's important for me to just tell you that our family is very open with one another, especially when it comes to the stuff that we're working on, the goals that we have, the struggles that we're facing. We love working this stuff out in real time instead of just keeping it to ourselves. And I personally struggled with anxiety for almost 30 years. All three of our kids have had various challenges. So has my husband, Chris. And I just am really excited, Oak, that you agreed to sit down with me in real time. I don't even know what you're about to share, but I'm so grateful that you wanted to share this conversation with everyone. And I also thought, what a gift. I mean, how many 17 year old guys walk into the kitchen after a therapy call and announce to their family, "Wow."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I don't know. I do not know.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you care?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, not really.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Talk to me about therapy. Do you like therapy?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I would like to talk to your audience about therapy.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, do it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Guys, therapy is awesome. I love my therapist. I love therapy. When I was younger, I had a horrible experience with therapy. It was with this old woman who tried to convince me how to use an elevator because that's what I was afraid of. I was afraid of elevators. She was like, "You need to ride the elevator." And I was like, "I don't want to." So I hated therapy. I hated it. And then I got a new therapist last year and it changed my life.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because therapy is almost like having a notebook, but you don't have to write and you actually get an answer back. So you don't have to take the time to write down your thoughts. You just say it and then they say something back to you. And it doesn't have to help, but it's just nice to hear someone say something that isn't part of your friend group or a family member. They're just someone that's there to listen, and maybe that's all they need to do. I love therapy and I would fully recommend therapy to anyone. It's not some bad thing. And if you have a therapist, you're super messed up in the head and everything in your life is going to shit. No, therapy rocks. You can have it when you're perfectly fine and happy. I think everyone should have a therapist because it's just the best.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I agree with you. And the thing that I realize now is had I gone and worked with a therapist, Oak, when things were going okay, they probably wouldn't have gone back.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I hate to burst your bubble, but you are not going to be able to solve all your problems, and your friends with a similar age as you and a similar mindset will not be able to solve the same problems that you have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God. Well, I'm so happy and appreciative that you were like, "Yeah, I'll sit down on the mics with your mom and tell you why this therapy session with Keith was so awesome." So thank you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Of course.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Could you tell everybody why you wanted to share this? Like what?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I think it's pretty cool that you're willing to... The honest answer. Do you want the podcast answer?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Either.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: The honest answer is that I came downstairs in a good mood and I said, "I love Keith." And you said, "Will you record this with me?" And I was in a good enough mood to say sure.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, I like an honest answer. What's the podcast answer?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Your viewers need to hear this, Mel. They're not viewers. This is game changing stuff right here. Life changing.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Is it?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Depends on how they look at it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, is it for you?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Low key. Yeah. It's like a little tweak in the direction that my life is going in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I can't wait to hear it. So what did you talk about in this session?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: A lot of things. A lot of things.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Would you be willing to unpack it with me?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. But hold on a sec, Oak, because I just want to say something. In case you are brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I want to just make sure that you know I'm not a therapist and I'm not a medical doctor. And I'm inviting you into this conversation between a mother and her son. And I wanted you to be here because I know that this is going to be a really amazing thing that's about to happen. I don't even know really what Oakley's about to tell me, but I just knew that listening to it was going to help a lot of people. So with that little disclaimer, let's get started, Oak. So why did you start working with Keith in the first place?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Started when? Last year. So yeah, April last year. So almost a year, close to a year. Sophomore year, it was weird because freshman year and sophomore year, there was a moment in time in my life. It was like a March time. It was like becoming spring, but still kind of chilly. That's the memory that I have from these points in time. It wasn't depression and it wasn't like... I think it was anxiety. It was overwhelming anxiety in my freshman and sophomore year. And it went away. Freshman year happened in March. It was about three weeks gone. Forgot about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hold on a second. I don't remember you having anxiety.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I never told you about it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I didn't want to make it a huge thing and I didn't want to go to therapy and I didn't want to get into that. I was like, "I can do this. I can solve this. I can get over this. We're good." And we were good freshman year.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wait, hold on a second though. Stop the train. Stop the train. I want to get off.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, you dare do that to me. John Mayer. We'll include that later. We'll include that later.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I had no idea that you were struggling with anxiety for three weeks in freshman year of high school. Why did you hide this from me? I've struggled with anxiety my whole life. When I talk about that specific time period, it's when my anxiety was at this weird peak where I just couldn't really do anything. And I was terrified.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Of what?
--:-- Mel Robbins: No idea. I couldn't tell you freshman year, and I'll get into what it was later because I know now. But there was... This is probably going to terrify you. I don't know if you've heard this story. I wrote a memoir about it in sophomore year. There was this one day in freshman year that I remember. It's basically the only thing that I remember from when I was anxious like that. I wrote this memoir called "The Blue Ceiling" because artsy. There was this moment where I woke up and it was one of those March days where there was no snow, but it was kind of foggy and misty. And where we live, when you look out the windows, you can't see anything. So you feel like you're in a snow globe. So I woke up and it was one of those days where I was in a snow globe and I was like, "I'm just going to stay in bed and watch some TV. That sounds nice." So I was doing that. And all of a sudden, boom, semi truck hits me. I'm lightheaded. I'm confused. I'm like, "What's going on? Nothing feels normal. I don't feel safe right now. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. I need to get out of my room. I need to go. I need to go." So I open the door, I go downstairs and I see Dad sitting in front of the fire and he's like, "Hey dude, what's up?" And I didn't tell him that I was freaking out, but I looked at him and I was like, "I'm okay. It's whatever." And then I walked outside. I looked around. I took a deep breath. I was like, "Whatever this is, you've been anxious before. You can get over this. It's fine." Then I go back inside.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I wanted to hug Dad. I wanted to do something. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to get help. I wanted something and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I didn't want to.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Why?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to become a process. I didn't want to have to do stuff because I felt like I knew what I was doing. And then what happened is I went back up to my room. I kept watching TV and I remember going back downstairs to find Dad and he wasn't there. And then I look towards the kitchen. Thinking about this moment is so weird and scary. I would never do this ever. It's super out of character. But I looked in the kitchen and I looked at the knife holder. And I could fully imagine myself stabbing myself in the stomach with a knife. And part of me was like, "I should." And I was like, "Holy fucking shit. This is not happening right now. I am not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself. I want to live." So I go back outside. I'm hyperventilating. I look around. I'm breathing in and out. I'm like, "Am I going to be okay? It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." And there was this feeling of lightheadedness and I just couldn't think clearly. And I felt like nothing I would do in that moment would ever matter. And so why do anything? And that's why I had that thought. I should just stab myself because if I do something and it doesn't matter, why do it? Why do anything? So why would I keep living my life if nothing I do will ever matter? Why not just end it now?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Wow. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm just processing as I'm listening to you, Oak. Is there any more?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Then that night, the reason the memoir was called "The Blue Ceiling" is because later that night I had this ceiling projector. It projected this blue night sky onto my ceiling. It was super cool. Still have it. And I remember—this is going to be such a main character moment, and I will fully admit to that—but I reached my hand up and I looked at the outline of my hand and I was just crying for no reason in the darkness of my room. My ceiling was blue and that was the only light. And I was just looking at my hand outline and crying and being terrified. And then it basically just went away. It was gone. I never thought about it again freshman year. It was gone. Didn't think about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Can I ask a question?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Go for it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Are you nervous about what I might ask?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, not really.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, first I just want to say thank you for telling me. I feel like I told you that before, right? Not that part.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I could give you the memoir and you could read it on your own time if you wanted to.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I would love to.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I would be happy to give it to you. But I think it's really odd that you never told me that. I forgot about it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because we have a really good open relationship.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh my God, we have a great relationship as stated in the family podcast episode.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Will you stop?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Wonderful. I'm plugging mom.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I know. No, but I'm surprised that you never shared that with me.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I know why I didn't share it with you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I didn't share it with you for two reasons. The first one was I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to get a therapist. I didn't want to go on meds. I had horrible experiences with meds and therapists in my past and I didn't want to go back into it because I was just like, "No, no thanks." And two was because since I had anxiety my whole life, I probably had every week a small anxious panic, if you will. I'm like, "Oh my goodness. I'm anxious right now. I'm nervous, whatever." And I can handle it. I can do it. And so I felt like I could handle it. The reason I didn't tell you is because I thought I handled it. I was like, "It's over. It didn't come back."
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's interesting. It did not come back.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. I want to say one other thing. I want to address the fact that you may be listening to us talking about a very serious topic and we're giggling and we're light about it. People laugh when they're uncomfortable.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm uncomfortable right now, but I'm just like, I don't know. I feel like this is easier to talk about when I can throw in a joke. Have some fun.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Got it. That makes sense. I want to specifically address what you said about that thought that you had about the knife, because those kinds of thoughts that are really big, scary, overwhelming thoughts, they can seem uncontrollable because they can come out of nowhere and they can start to get more and more frequent and overwhelming. They are very normal. In fact, according to therapists, almost everyone has experienced a situation like the one you described. But I want to talk further about this topic because it's helpful to talk about it. So hold on to that thought because I know there's more that we're going to talk about because I got to pause real quick for a word from our sponsors, and we're going to be right back.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm so excited that you're here because I'm talking to our 17 year old son, Oakley, and we're having a really... Wow. I'm just blown away by this conversation because Oakley is unpacking in real time this therapy session that he had tonight.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: 30 minutes ago, I got off the phone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I feel like you're supposed to wait a day, but no, we just jumped right in.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: We just jumped right in.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We are a deep end kind of family. Let's go, right? Okay. Here's the other thing I wanted to say. We have two years from this, meaning we've had two years distance from this topic.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: From the freshman topic.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yes. You're in an amazing place mentally, spiritually.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Fantastically. Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so there is no danger.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so I'm not triggered by that. And the other thing I wanted to say is, would it surprise you to hear that having thoughts or a fleeting thought about ending your life or dying some death like that is normal?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Because I feel like suicidal thoughts... I feel like it's been talked about to the point where it's like, you're at the worst of the worst if they're suicidal thoughts. Like this is where shit is going down. Like it's bad. Like this is bad. This is the worst of the worst. This is horrible. I get it. You're at the end of the line. So the truth is, when you hear that somebody has suicide... When you just said, "Would you think it's normal that most people do?" I'd say no because it's like, no, most people do. I wouldn't expect everybody to be at the worst of the worst, even though I see what you're saying.
--:-- Mel Robbins: What you're saying is this has been talked about so much, particularly to your age group.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. It makes you think that when you have a thought like that... No, no, no, no, no. It's more just that I feel like it's talked about where it's only the people with the worst condition are going to have that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Got it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: So when you say, "Oh, everybody has it," I'm like, "Really?" I feel like it's only the worst of the worst that...
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because of... No, it's normal to have those kinds of thoughts. So I just wanted to address that what might sound like a weird tone or an insensitive tone to say, we're two years away from it. Oakley is in an incredible place in his life, in his mental health, his spiritual health. He's just happy. And it's normal to have those kinds of big and scary and overwhelming thoughts, Oak. And one of the things that I want everyone to hear, and I know I've said it over and over on social media and I've said it in numerous circumstances, but it's this: there is a very big difference between wanting to end the pain that you're feeling and wanting these scary thoughts to end and actually wanting to end your life.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Right, yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, I want to talk to you listening and just check in with you. What I specifically want to make sure that you hear me say is that it is normal to have these big scary and overwhelming thoughts. And when they come out of nowhere or they seem to get louder and louder, it can be terrifying. I know it was terrifying when this all started happening with Oakley. So many people suffer because they believe that the thoughts will never go away. That's what I believed. I thought it would never end and I didn't want to live the rest of my life with those thoughts. Now, if you knew the thoughts were going to end, would it have made you feel better?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you knew having those thoughts pop in your mind was perfectly normal, would that have made you feel better in that moment?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Kind of, yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm glad that you said that, Oak, because I think so many people, when they start to suffer because of these really scary thoughts, they don't tell anybody.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I didn't want to tell anyone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I know, and I wish you would have told me. I wish you hadn't suffered alone. I wish you would have told somebody because the second that you start to talk about it, it immediately relieves you of the burden of carrying this on your own. You can figure out how to lessen the pain or the sadness or these awful thoughts that keep popping into your head. You can do that. And you make your life better. How? By talking about these things that are overwhelming you and asking for help. Because you can't just keep them inside.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, because what happens when you keep them inside? It's kind of like a Coke can. When you shake it up, then it explodes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, exactly, exactly. That's why I'm proud of you for talking about this, Oak, because it can be torture if you've got that trapped in your own head.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh my God, it's horrible.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I think most people, including the people that we've lost that we love to death by suicide, I still would say most people, if somebody had assured them, "If I can take away all the pain that you're feeling and you could still have your life, would you want to be here?" Hell yeah. Right?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Hell yeah. Exactly.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Right. And that's why I'm saying this to you as you're listening to me and Oakley. Tell someone if you're having big and scary and overwhelming thoughts. Tell anyone. Just tell anyone.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Why would you say that?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because just getting it out and saying it is so crucial to making your first step into solving this problem. And it honestly doesn't matter who you tell. All you need to do is tell someone something. As long as you trust them, as long as you care, all you have to do is tell someone.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I also want to tell you, if you're having big and scary and overwhelming thoughts, you're not fucked up. No. Those thoughts are temporary. They will pass. And they're going to pass so much quicker when you get them out of your head and you tell someone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You know, my friend Amy, who you know, Oak, she said when you have big scary thoughts like that, she heard a therapist say it's like being trapped in a paper bag. You can't say anything. You can't think of anything else to do. It sort of clouds your mind. But the second you find the courage to say it out loud to somebody, it's like that paper bag just shreds. And you'll realize and you'll see that you're not alone anymore. There are people there that can help you and will help you. And what you're experiencing is normal. And you can get through this. And so I had a question. Because you just said to everybody, Oak, that you didn't tell me about what was happening freshman year.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And what would you advise somebody who is listening to this right now, who relates to what you're talking about, and maybe they haven't told anyone? The reason why I'm asking this is I know so many parents and aunts and uncles and teachers and therapists are going to forward this episode to young adults and college students in their life. And just people they're worried about. So knowing that you just explained that you were worried I would make something of it, you didn't want to get into it, you thought you could handle it. Knowing what you know now, what would you say to that person who hasn't told somebody?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Well, if you are close in age to me, I don't know, teenager, mid-20s, college, high school, middle school, whatever, it does not matter what is going on in your head. If it is overwhelming, if it is scary, if it is stopping you from doing things that you can normally do, you should always, always, always, always, always tell someone. And you may be worried that it'll make things weird or it'll change things in your life. And it most likely will, but it is going to change your life for the better. In the beginning, for me at least, I thought to myself that, "Hey, I can keep this in. I've done it before. I've done it 10,000 times before. I can do it again." And yeah, you can do it in the beginning, but instead of waiting till you collapse, just get it over with right in the beginning and tell someone. That's all you have to do. It'll make it better. It will make it better.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do you wish you had told me earlier when it was happening in ninth grade?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I do too. Because I doubt it would have come back in sophomore year.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That's true. Maybe it wouldn't have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, let's just hit pause right now, Oak, and hear a word from our sponsors. And when we come back, I want you to tell everybody what happened sophomore year.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with our 17-year-old son, and we are unpacking two mental health breakdowns that he had. One was freshman year, and as you now know, I was unaware of it at the time. And Oak is about to explain the breakdown that he had sophomore year of high school. So what happened sophomore year? Because you said this anxiety hit you for a week period in March, freshman year. Gone. Forgotten about.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: But the shit hit the fans.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my God.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, so it's terrifying. Flashback beginning of sophomore year. So we're awesome. I loved my sophomore year. Great friends, great experiences, great classes, super fun. It was great. It was same time, March or was it April? Might've been April.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think we're going to have to track this this year.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: We will have to track this.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hey, it's coming to that time.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It is. Not yet. Anyways, April comes around and everything's good. And then in my English class, my teacher had us write a memoir. And so I wrote about my experience that I had freshman year, "The Blue Ceiling." And so by writing that, I basically mentally dove back into that time and I remembered how I felt freshman year. And I remembered what it was like. And I remember the hopelessness and the anxiety. I kind of brought myself back to a time where I was super vulnerable and I had to go back and be vulnerable in that moment.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I can see your eyes tearing up just thinking about it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Not really. Not in this moment. A little bit. Not gonna lie. A little bit. And so those thoughts are fresh in my mind. And since I was a sophomore and it was a year later, I wanted to try and unpack it and think about what it actually meant, why I felt that way. And while I was doing that, a week rolled around. And the next week in that class, my English teacher showed us a movie. And this movie was about climate change. And it was about how in five years, it's irreversible and we're fucked. And it was about possible solutions and all this stuff. And then it told us what would happen if these solutions didn't happen. So I come out of the movie and I'm like, "What could we do? Realistically, as a world, what can we do?" So I started thinking about my town and then my state and then my country and then the world. And then I was like, "What if we can't do anything? Can somebody else help us?" And I was like, "Is there somebody else?" And I was thinking about the universe and then I was thinking about expanding, expanding, expanding, expanding. We become a pebble. We become a grain of sand. We become literally nothing. We become nothing in my mind. And all of a sudden it's like a light switch in my mind where I'm like, "Holy shit, nothing matters. Absolutely nothing. Nothing matters to me. Nothing I do."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Do not get yourself back in that state.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Okay. Well, I was just like, nothing matters. Nothing I do will have an effect. Nothing anybody does will change anything. So why do anything? Why? And so I thought about that and I kept thinking about that, being like, "There has to be an answer. There has to be an answer." A week passes and there's no answer. And then all of a sudden I started to get these nervous anxiety attacks where I'm lightheaded and I can't think and everything is rushing out of my head and I'm scared and I'm confused. And it's all because in those moments, I keep telling myself that nothing I do is going to matter. No one I talk to, nothing I do, nothing will ever change anything. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter what anybody does. The world's going to end because the world... Not the world's going to end, but just in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. We do not matter. Climate change wasn't my thought. It wasn't about the world ending. The movie about climate change sparked a thing about me thinking about, "Do I even matter in the bigger picture?" And then I realized that I was like, "I don't matter. Nobody matters. The world doesn't matter."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, let me pick up the story now.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Well, it's not done yet.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, because in this instance, you let us know what was going on.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That is what was going on. There was one moment we were eating dinner together. And I just had to get up and go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and be like, "You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. It's going to be okay. You'll get through this." And I was like, "I can't get through this. I can't do this." And in that bathroom, I was like, "If this stays, if this keeps up, I am going to kill myself. I will." Because that's how scared I was. I couldn't live with this fact and I couldn't accept the fact that I felt like nothing mattered.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It was a terrifying thing to go through with you. It was so... Because you had a complete breakdown and you started explaining that these thoughts had been cascading and cascading and you didn't want to think this, but you didn't know how to stop it. And I'll never forget that because I was holding you and you were crying and you were scared and I was crying and scared. And it had just come out of nowhere that you had gone from just thinking and thinking and thinking and not telling us to a complete breakdown. And I asked you, I was like, "Are you in danger right now? Are you going to hurt yourself?" And do you remember what you said?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I said, "No." I was like, "I'm too scared to do that. I don't want to."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And you also said, "No, but I can't live like this, Mom. I can't keep thinking these thoughts." And I kept going, "What thoughts?" And you kept saying, "I don't matter. Nothing matters."
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I feel like even to this day, I still can't truly explain the thoughts that I was having because it was just like I can't wrap my head around them. And so I was dying to explain it to you. And every time I told you something, you'd be like, "Oh, so is it this?" And I was like, "That's not it. That's not it." I couldn't figure out what to say.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You did a really good job of explaining it. You know, when I would have very acute moments of anxiety when I was younger, I would have this thing happen that was equally scary, Oak, where I didn't have the thoughts, "Nothing matters, nothing matters." I would all of a sudden feel this weird thing happen in my body. Like you call it like a switch that flipped. And all of a sudden I would have this experience where everything felt fake, almost like the Truman Show.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Or that your whole life is a set that's fake. And I would repeatedly have this feeling that if the wind blew, all of these walls in this room would just flop down. Like a TV set.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Like a TV set.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I would find myself in the middle of the desert with no one in sight. And the only person... And is earth even real? And is this room even real?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Like that's how it was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. So I understand what that's like. And for those of you wondering what we did, I went into a first responder mode. Do you remember?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You wouldn't let me sleep.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I know I slept in your bed.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You wouldn't let me be alone.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You, oh my God, you took me out of school.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yep. For a week. For a mental health.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We went back to Massachusetts.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yep. To see doctors.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I wouldn't let you be alone. I wouldn't let you sleep alone. I made you eat. Dad meditated with you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. We got you into therapy as fast as possible.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You got on medication. Tried some medication that really helped. Still on it. It's the best.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Help you climb out of that.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh man. Sometimes you need a ladder.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah, you do.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Sometimes you also need a surfboard, and so they can work both ways, and they work.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So that is what led you to therapy. To therapy. What a segue this is. Like, oh wait, also I feel like a 25-minute segue. I want to say another thing. Can I talk about the John Mayer song?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Sure.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In terms of it, okay, like jumping back before we go to therapy, at the time there was this song that I still love today, but I think it also contributed to my anxiety. It's, um, there's this like underground artist. His name's John Mayer. I don't know if any of you know who he is, but he's super, I think he's a pretty good artist. And there's one of his songs. It's called "Stop This Train." And basically the train symbolizes time and how time keeps moving. And John — I don't know if I should call him John, we're not friends — but like John Mayer wants the train or time to stop. And it's just him being like, "Stop, stop time. Let me stay where I am. I want to get off. I just want to be with what I am right now." And then it ends with him talking to his dad, and his dad's like, "Don't stop time. You just want to hold on and just keep going for as long as you can and just appreciate it and be in it."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh my goodness. It's making you emotional.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh my God, it always does.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Why? Why does that make you emotional?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because time is just like, oh my God, that's too much. Like that's too scary. Not scary, but that's just so much to think about. How time is just gonna keep going.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: You know, I always have that feeling when I'm in a museum. I'll be looking at a painting and I lean forward and it's like something has been painted in the 1800s.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Have you had that experience? I'm way too bored in a museum to ever pay attention to dates, so I would love to be like a museum guy, but I can't because it's just fun and mysterious and it makes you more interesting. I've actually gotten into museums more than I used to be, but I don't know, my memories of museums were always just like, this is the most boring thing ever, staring at a wall for 15 minutes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Meanwhile, your mother is having a small existential crisis as she's looking at paintings, because as I lean forward, I'm like, this was painted in the 1800s? That means there is a person standing in front of this canvas, 200 and whatever years ago. I can't even do the math on this. And they're not here anymore.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And it makes me feel so small in the timeline of humanity. And it's the same kind of thing that you're talking about.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. And so that song just sparked something in me where I was like, time is going to keep going and it won't slow down.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It won't slow down.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And that's scary. And that added to everything.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. That's the whole John Mayer story. Anyways, John Mayer, if you're listening, please contact me immediately because I love you. I remember that day that John Mayer song, "Stop the Train," hit you really emotionally because you were in this amazing place in your life. It was your sophomore year. You were happy and you were so happy. You wanted time to slow down because you were loving your life so much and you didn't want high school to be passing by so quickly. When I did, I called you and I was like, yeah, sobbing again. You love to cry. You're a good crier because you were so grateful for your life and that song played and you were calling me from the high school parking lot crying about how much you love your life. And who knew that just three weeks later it would boom, it would completely collapse and you would be in probably the worst mental breakdown I've ever seen you. Really scary as a parent. And I'm proud of you though. I'm proud of you for asking for help, for telling us the truth, for seeing a therapist, for taking medication, for turning toward it to figure it out. I'm really proud of you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Thank you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So now we segue. Present day, Keith.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Present day, my therapist, the goat, Keith. He's awesome. He's in California, so we Zoom. And he's just this super chill, spiritual guy. Used to be a surfer. He's just the coolest dude ever. And I love him because he's such a smiley guy and he's just fun. And he's taught me all this stuff. Beginning lessons were a lot on purpose. And I came to the conclusion with his help that life does not matter. But us as individuals can make it matter by using purpose and finding our purpose. And so what I discovered with him is that these thoughts about life not mattering are going to be here, but that doesn't mean they're going to stay because over time when I live my life, I'm going to discover the reason why I want to be here.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And why you matter. And it doesn't have to change anything and it doesn't have to do anything, but I'm just looking for my purpose and my reason to be. That's why I'm here. And that's why I want to live.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I just want to see if you can go a little deeper in explaining something. Because when you first started working with your therapist, Keith, you were in the middle of these catastrophic, overwhelming, scary thoughts. And it's interesting that where you guys started was with the topic of purpose. And I understand that this was happening in parallel with a medical doctor giving you an antidepressant to act like a ladder to help you stabilize.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Still on them. Still on them, baby. Still great. Still taking them. Guys, they're great.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. But what was it about the topic of purpose that really helped you see your way through these scary and overwhelming thoughts? Because the other thing that I've read about the research of this is that this is very common. Whether you're triggered by thinking about things like climate change, or if you're thinking about racism or systematic discrimination, or you are experiencing extreme poverty, or you lose somebody that you love, it can lead you to deeply contemplate the meaning of life. And people that are more empathetic or introverted tend to do this more, but it can happen to anybody. And so I found it really interesting that it was a conversation about purpose that helped you start to gain more control about the way that you were thinking. So can you explain how that helped you?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. I feel like what our conversation about purpose did for me was that even though at this point in time I felt like life had no meaning, the conversation about purpose kind of strengthened a thought in my mind about how at one point in my life, I'll do something or I'll meet someone or I'll go somewhere that will just give me this feeling of belonging and a reason to live and a reason to be here. And that will be my reason to be on this earth. And one day I'll be like, "Hey, this thing that I've discovered about myself that I really like is my reason to be here. This is why I'm on this earth."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Can I go a little deeper?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because at the time that this was happening, how would you describe your relationship with your family?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Good.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I mean, I feel like my relationship has always been good.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. And did you have friends?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Plenty.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I even had a girlfriend.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: And did you enjoy school?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Loved it. Still do.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: So the only thing about your life that wasn't working were these thoughts.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, these thoughts. It's not even that it fully clouded my judgment. I still loved my friends and you guys and everybody in my life, but I just didn't see why that mattered.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because you have all this stuff handled and now your mind is starting to take you to these dark places. Got it. And I think that's important because it just goes to show you, no matter what's happening on the outside in somebody's life — they seem like they're enjoying school, they have a great girlfriend, they've got good friends, they have a family that they're connected to — their thoughts might actually still be a very scary place.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I wanted to point that out because you just can't assume that you know what somebody's reality really is. I mean, I didn't even know. Nobody did.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Not in ninth grade.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Well, yeah. I mean, I knew very well in sophomore year.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Yeah. But I also find it very interesting because when you believe that you are here for a reason and that your life is leading you somewhere, that there is something unique for you to discover that's on the road ahead — might be tomorrow, might be a year from now, might be 10 years from now, might be longer — kind of approaching life like it's almost like a gift that you unwrap to discover what's inside. That thought was like a seed that he planted that has taken root.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Cause I hear you talking a lot pretty frequently about purpose. It's like my personality now. All of my friends and everybody I talk to, at some point we always come into this conversation where I'm like, "You know, I actually don't see a reason to living and I'm actually looking for purpose." And they're like, "What? You're a really intellectual guy."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because I would label this an existential crisis, which is basically questioning existence.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, that's what happened to you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that happens to a lot of people. It's a very normal thing. And so are big and scary thoughts. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for listening. Is there anything else on that topic that you want to share?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No, I don't know. Anything else you want to know?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I don't. Are you okay right now?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Is that an honest answer?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes, it is.
--:-- Mel Robbins: When's the last time you had a big and scary thought?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: To be honest, the thoughts are still there. Yeah, they're there every day. But they're more in the back of my head kind of thing where it's like, "Oh yeah, this is true." And I'm just like, "Well, yeah, it is true, but who cares?"
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, that's an amazing attitude, Oak. So do you have a sense of what your purpose is?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Absolutely not. But that doesn't feel daunting to me. I'm 17. I'm not expecting to have it all figured out. I know that it's going to take a while — 10, 15, 20, 25. It could take as long as it needs to. And I'm okay with that because I just know that at some point in my life, I will find something where I'm like, "This is it. This is why I'm here. And this is what I want to do."
--:-- Mel Robbins: I think I have something for you to chew on if you want to hear it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I don't, because for me, this is my — you can tell me your purpose and you can tell me what you think mine is, but I need to find mine. It has to come from me and I have to believe that. And that's only going to be genuine if it's from me. So I guess basically if any of you are worried about me out there, appreciate it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But should I be?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: No.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And then this segues into tonight. They just told me something that really resonated with me.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Oh, I want to hear it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So this was a thing that made you walk into the kitchen.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I mean, I always walk into the kitchen after Keith and I'm like, "I love Keith," because Keith is awesome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay. So this was a little life-changing thing.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Let me hear it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So he was basically like, "When you were born, when your mom and your dad —" I'm going to quote my biology teacher. When your mom and your dad did the special hug —
--:-- Oakley Robbins: That is what your high school — yeah, my high school. It's so funny. My eyes in class whenever we're talking about DNA and natural selection and stuff, whenever my high school teacher talks about how offspring is created, he's like, "When the mom and the dad do the special hug." It's like, okay.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So when you and dad did the special hug and conceived me, my universe was created. Yes, the universe that I live in was created for me. And he basically told me — this is gonna sound super self-centered at first — but I have had the belief for my whole life where it's like, I am the most important person to me.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes, you should be.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Which should be true for everybody.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's not true for everybody because humans evolved from a form where we had to be social and put others in front of us to basically survive. So it feels normal and it feels right to do it now. But in reality, the most important person to yourself is you. And he was basically just like, "When you do anything, you should ask yourself: Do you want to live in your universe where this happens?" So paint a hypothetical situation. Let's say you are about to go behind your friend's back and do something wrong that would hurt them. Do you want to be in a universe where you've done that? Do you want to remember that? And he was like, "You can keep asking yourself this question because if you think about it, your life is your own and you pick and choose what happens in your life. So before anything happens, you should ask yourself, 'Do I want this to remain in my life?'"
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah, because it stays there. You're right. It will always stay there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I have this vision almost like an illustration of somebody and they're in a dark room and there's this particle thing all around them and that's the universe. So interesting. It's just how this is your life. What I took away from it is that even if life and our existence on earth does not matter, even if that's true, you are still experiencing a life. You still feel the emotions from that life. You still experience things. You still live it. And so just because life does not matter, you are still living a life and you should be living a life in a universe that is your own, that you enjoy.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yes.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because that's all you can do.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. And it's all you need to do.
--:-- Mel Robbins: We're so busy chasing stuff outside our own universe. All that matters is what is right in front of you. How did that flip a switch for you?
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Because I felt like I was on the hunt for the big answer, the big purpose, the big question. It was going to come to me and I was going to be like, "Whoa, enlightened. Floating meditation Buddha over here." But it was more just that purpose will come to me. But in the meantime, I'm going to be present to what I feel and what I do. And so why not feel and do what I want to?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I love that. Thank you for sharing that. I got a lot out of that visual of the universe and that that's the universe that gets created. And that at least when you become an adult, you really do get to choose what's a part of it and what's not.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you can choose what's left and what isn't. And anything you do will remain. And so you should always be asking yourself, "In my universe, do I want there to be a part of me that has done this?"
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah. Your extraordinary, ordinary life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your extraordinary, ordinary life. Say something more about that.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: It's from the movie *About Time*. Our family's favorite movie. It's the best movie ever. So there's actually two quotes that I really like. "We're all traveling through time together every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride." The second one is, "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary ordinary life."
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's beautiful.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Yeah.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Hmm. Well, I love you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Love myself.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I love you too. You're the best, dude.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Thank you, mom.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: All right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, in case nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: So do I.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I believe in you.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: I do as well.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And make this universe your own. Make your universe your own. You get to choose what is staying in that universe and what you're not taking in there. And I love what you said. Might as well just enjoy it.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: All right, everybody. We love you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Love you too.
--:-- Oakley Robbins: Talk in a few days. Bye.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Stitcher. Thank you.
