This Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Mel, and today I'm really excited because I'm not alone. I'm here with one of my favorite people, somebody that I love, our 18-year-old son, Oakley.

Oakley: Yeah, it's me.

Mel Robbins: [Laughs] You know, I'm laughing because I know that we're going to have a lot of fun. And I'm also excited because our audience loves you. And I love you guys. In case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I just want to take a minute and welcome you and also explain a little bit of background. Oakley is our 18-year-old son. He is the youngest of three. He's a senior in high school. Just applied to college.

Oakley: It was great. Ladies and gentlemen, I finished my applications. I've done what I need to do. It's great.

Mel Robbins: Congratulations on getting all of that done. In case you're new, every time Oakley has been on the podcast, we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed to Oakley from listeners around the world. The thing that's always really kind of surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages. In this stack of questions, I've got questions from high schoolers, from kids in college, from parents, from school counselors, from therapists, to grandparents, to just people that are reflecting on their own childhood. I can't wait to dig into this. The truth is, Oak, I do have to say, you've really cracked the code on so many things that I struggled with for like 50 years. Like when I think about anxiety, confidence, where you are at the age of 18 versus where I was at 18. I mean, I was like in peak Mel Schneeberger dysfunction.

Oakley: First of all, I have lived through getting bullied like many, anxiety, dyslexia, troubles in school, troubles in life. And also, I tend to spend a good amount of time alone. I love to hang out with people, but I also like to spend some time alone. And I just think a lot. I feel like I'm always thinking about what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and stuff like that. Because when you're alone, what else is there to think about?

Mel Robbins: That's a good point. Who are you? I feel almost like you're the kind of person — you know how people say you're an old soul? I feel at times like I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be 100 years old who came back as you.

Oakley: That would be kind of cool.

Mel Robbins: Well, you know what else is going to be cool? Going through all of these questions because we have about 17 topics to get through. Before we jump in, I just want to take a moment and acknowledge you for listening. Every single time you tune into the Mel Robbins Podcast, I know that you're taking time for yourself. I know that you're listening to this in particular because you really want to make your life a little bit better. I think that's really cool. So I just wanted to say thank you.

Oakley: Yeah, thanks, guys. It's awesome.

Mel Robbins: Okay, so you ready?

Oakley: Of course.

Mel Robbins: All right. Let's jump in. The first question. This one from a 17-year-old, Oak. "Oakley, I'm 17 years old, and I just want to know, how do I ensure a stress-free college search?" Before you jump into this, because I know you're going to talk about the pressure, I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something, and you don't know how to manage it. Whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you are not dating anybody and you really want to find the one and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you want to find your purpose and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life and so you start to get stressed about the process. As you listen to us unpack this — because I don't know what you're going to talk about, Oak — listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about. And now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing, though, because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age. So it must amplify it. So where do you want to start with this?

Oakley: Yeah, I think if we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, stress is a natural part of life. So you will never live a life that is stress-free. You will always feel stress with things like the college process, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that. Everything can involve stress. I think first accepting that in life you'll feel stressed is super important, and not resisting the stress when it comes is important. With the college process in particular, I know that's super stressful. And honestly, I think it's supposed to be stressful. Why? Because you look at these colleges and you look at all the acceptance rates. "Oh my God, it's like 13 percent. Oh my God, 10,000 kids are doing this. Oh my God, I have to write one essay and everything relies on this one essay. They know nothing about me, but I really want to get into the school." It's really stressful. And like, "This isn't good enough. This isn't going to get me into college." So I delete it. Then I write another one and I'm like, "This isn't good enough. This isn't going to get me into college." I think for me and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath and just stop and take your time. Because you are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique. Something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again, is that no matter where you end up, it won't predict your life. If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to not get the job you want or live in the place you want to live. Nine times out of ten, that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet. And if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it and do another one. But it's important to not have a mindset of "my whole life depends on this."

Mel Robbins: What if it feels like it does? How do you gain perspective when you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it? And every time you're with adults, they're like, "So where are you going to school? Where are you applying?" It really is an everyday conversation everywhere.

Oakley: It's a pain. But I think it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say. While you are worried about the college process, if you spend the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable.

Mel Robbins: I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that the way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now. I know that that's hard to do. It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges. It's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything. If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job. If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids. Same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere. You start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you. The real advice here that is so true — because you can get yourself worked up about anything — is learning how to appreciate where you are right now. You said something the other day that I think is really important. I wanted to ask you something about that essay. You said, "Mom, I have to hear about this all day long. I do not want to talk about this with you right now." I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary. The one place you don't want to talk about it is at home. This is really important because boundaries are something that are your responsibility, and you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it. You just basically said, "I don't want to talk about this with you because I'm getting it all day long." I would not have known that otherwise. This is very important for you listening too. You can say to your family members, "I don't want to talk about whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job. My weight is not up for discussion. Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody." You did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you. That's exactly what this listener that's writing in should do with their parents — express that boundary.

Oakley: Setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to help some people out. If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or like end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college. That is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it, because it is all consuming. Until they've hit the submit button, it's all they'll think about. It's all they'll care about. And it's the last thing they ever want to talk about because it's always on their mind. It's annoying. So give them some space from time to time. Don't always talk about it.

Mel Robbins: That's true, Oakley, for anyone that feels pressure about anything. I can think of a bunch of examples. For example, if your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby, you don't need to ask about it. Because guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wondering. They wake up every day. The last thing that they need is you bringing up, "How's it going?" I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet. She never had kids of her own. And you want to know what? It kills her. If there was one thing that she could change, it would have been that she had had kids of her own. When her mom occasionally is like, "You know, it just breaks my heart that you never had children. You would have been the best mother," my friend is literally like, "You don't think I wish I would have been? Why the hell are you bringing this up? Talk to your therapist about that. Don't lay that on me." I do think this is really important. If somebody that you love cares about something — the job search, the search for a house — you don't need to bring it up, okay? If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you. Just give them space, show them you love them, and show them that you care about them in other ways. Great advice, Oak. All right. Here's another question. "We're going through a divorce, and I'm worried about our kids."

Oakley: I feel like you don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce, but I would be honest with them. "We're unhappy." Make sure you reinstate that it is not their fault. That's huge because plenty of kids worry that it is their fault. Also, take their needs into account. If they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, if they want to go somewhere, you should let them. You shouldn't be like, "No, you can't go anywhere. You have to be with me right now." They're people too. They're living their own lives. You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They're in just as much pain because they're watching their two parents separate. Just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving. They need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.

Mel Robbins: A hundred percent. Do not talk about your spouse with them. Don't be like, "Oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing." They don't need to hear it.

Oakley: Hmm. That makes a lot of sense.

Mel Robbins: So the next question is from a listener who writes, "My daughter wants me to step back a little bit, and I would love to hear from Oakley and from you, Mel, what kind of boundaries do you guys have as a mother and a son?"

Oakley: I think that depends on how overbearing you are, but let me think about our relationship. I feel like I tell you everything whenever there is something. Or if you ask, I'm just like, "Yeah." I never feel like I have to keep things from you. Not that I'm coming to you and telling you everything, but I never feel like I have to keep something from you.

Mel Robbins: Well, that makes me feel great that you feel like you don't have to keep something from me. If you need something, you can talk to me about it. So thank you for sharing that with me. In terms of boundaries that I have as a mom, there are really two categories. The first one is the boundaries that I establish that help keep the communication open and that create a trusting and respectful relationship between us. The second set of boundaries are around keeping you safe. Let me talk about the first one, which is this boundary of respect and open communication. To that end, I really try hard to let you, Oakley, be your own person.

Oakley: I like that. I like that one.

Mel Robbins: I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to control him. I need to guide him. You said on another podcast that a parent should be like a coach, not somebody who's in control. I often have to remind myself of that. The second is your personal space. I try to create boundaries there where your room is your room. Even though I don't know how you can be in that room because it's awfully messy.

Oakley: She makes it seem worse than it is, but it's not.

Mel Robbins: I don't walk into your room, for example, when the door is closed. I knock first.

Oakley: Yep. I feel like my shower schedule is pretty concrete. It's in the morning and then right before I go to bed.

Mel Robbins: You take two showers a day?

Oakley: Every day.

Mel Robbins: You do? Why?

Oakley: Well, at night is when I use soap and everything and I clean myself. And then the morning is because my hair is really thick and curly. When I sleep, it's like a helmet when I wake up. The only way to fix it is to reset it by getting it wet.

Mel Robbins: Oh.

Oakley: Yeah. I wake up, I get my morning routine done, which is shower and get out the door. I actively avoid you, then get in the car, get to school. I like to get to school like 20 minutes before it starts. I just sit in the car and I journal about the previous day. Or if I didn't journal the day before, then the two days before. It's a process.

Mel Robbins: I just learned something about you. I had no idea that you journal every single day.

Oakley: It's great. Love to journal, even for five minutes, writing anything down. It's amazing.

Mel Robbins: When did you start that?

Oakley: Last year, maybe? You've been doing this for a year?

Mel Robbins: Yeah.

Oakley: I would never show you my journal. That's all I'm going to say.

Mel Robbins: See, that's an example, Oak, of a specific boundary that you have with me. You would never show me your journal. That's your boundary. Because I'm trying hard not to control you — remember, my value is I want to keep the communication open, I want to make sure you feel respected — I'm trying to respect you and the privacy that you have. Even the fact that it's your room. Even though I really want to hunt down your journal and crack it open to read it — I'm not going to lie about that — I am going to respect your boundary, that this is your privacy. Great example. Other boundaries that I have with him are around just safety, that sort of stuff. The final thing is, I don't talk to Oak about Chris or my marriage or what's going on in my friends' lives.

Oakley: Yeah, I'd agree with that.

Mel Robbins: Okay, great. Anything else you'd add?

Oakley: No, I'd say that covers all the bases, except my room is pretty clean most of the time.

Mel Robbins: Okay, we have so many more questions to answer, and we're going to take a quick pause to hear a word from our sponsors who allow us to bring this to you at zero cost. But stay with us because Oakley and I are going to be waiting for you after this short break. The first question on the docket is a question from a listener. Here's what they want to know, Oak: How did Chris and I handle alcohol with you? What are the rules in the Robbins household? We're going to tell you. Also a little bit later, Oakley has this fantastic meditation that he is going to walk you through — something he does that truly quiets his anxiety. I cannot wait for you to hear it. Stay with us.

[Musical break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. I'm so happy you're still here with us. Oh my gosh, because we are tackling your questions today. I'm here with Oakley, and the first question on the docket is from a listener who wants to know: "So Oakley, how did your parents talk about alcohol use with you? Do they allow it? Did they ground you? How did they handle it?" Oak, feel free to speak freely.

Oakley: Well, I think from a young age, you were more practicing safe ways of using it, healthy ways of using it, like a glass of wine at dinner or a little bit of a drink at a party or something. Before any parties or anything really happened, you would talk to the three of us kids and always tell us that if we do go out and do something — because we're teenagers and stuff happens and kids do stuff — and if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, "Oh, that's bad," well, you did it too, so that's okay. You always said that if we're ever going to do anything, before we do it at a party or somewhere else, you want us to do it with you.

Mel Robbins: Yes.

Oakley: So that it's in a safe environment or with people we care about. You can take care of us and it's all safe. No drinking and driving. That's your number one rule.

Mel Robbins: That's my number one rule. And what's the rule about if you're going to be at a party where you are drinking? What do you have to do?

Oakley: Either have a driver who my mom trusts, or stay at the party, or final option: call mom or dad and ask for a ride.

Mel Robbins: And what do we do if you tell us where you are and drinking's involved and the police show up or something happens? Do we ground you?

Oakley: No.

Mel Robbins: Why?

Oakley: You ask me to call you. And you don't ground me because, again, it's a natural part of life. It's experimentation. Everybody experiments. And also, we're getting punished enough by the cops.

Mel Robbins: [Laughs] That's a great question. I'll tell you why. Here's how I've chosen to handle this issue with your dad. This is a deeply personal issue in terms of how you decide you're going to talk about it with your kids. For us, we took the time to figure out what do we value here? Number one, every kid is going to experiment. Just assume they're going to experiment. Number two, if you assume that they're going to experiment and you can't stop that from happening, what is it that you value most? For me, what I valued most was open communication, trust, and safety. I took the focus off trying to control something I couldn't control, which was whether or not you drink. I put all of my attention on how do I navigate this as a parent through my highest value, which is creating trust with you, creating open communication with you, and keeping you safe. Safe means not only no driving, safe also means your use of it. Not being one of these kids who binge drink like crazy because they have to sneak it, so they just chug it. Because we saw this over and over and over with kids whose parents punished them when they drank or banned the alcohol or pretended it didn't happen. It created a lack of trust. It created sneakiness. It created lying, all of which led to very dangerous behavior. For me, I don't know whether it's the right call or the wrong call. It has been a very smart and successful call for us because it's aligned with our values. That's why. Now, if you lied to us, I'd punish you.

Oakley: Yeah, I would get punished if I lied.

Mel Robbins: If I ever found out that you got in a car with somebody who was drinking or you yourself got behind the wheel, you would lose the right to drive for a year.

Oakley: Yeah. And that's no joke because we live in a rural area and I had a friend die in high school because of drinking and driving. That's why my values are that. I just feel like that's the formula for anything that you're navigating, whether it is sex or it is alcohol or it's drugs or it's anything. Figure out what you value most and be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't control. If I were to ban you and say you're not allowed to drink, can't drink till you're 21, it just makes you want it more. And it also makes you go, "I'm not telling you what I'm doing." That's how we handled it. That's why I don't punish you when you do what you say you're going to do and when you stay where you're supposed to stay and when you don't drive.

Oakley: Valid. It's true.

Mel Robbins: All right. Ooh, Oakley. This next question is about breaking up. It's from a listener who's a young adult like you, and they specifically wanted your take on this topic. I think that's an important note to highlight for you listening. I can give all the advice in the world, but I'm 55. Sometimes you want to hear from somebody your age. As an 18-year-old Oakley, you probably understand what they're going through. I know that there have been numerous times where your sisters have told me, "Mom, your advice is irrelevant because you are so far away from the age and the issues that I'm dealing with. I want advice from somebody my age." Oakley, that's what this listener is asking for — your advice on this topic. So here's the question: "Oak, how do I know when it's time to break up with somebody?"

Oakley: That's a good question. Here's what I'm going to say, and I'll expand upon this of course. When it's time to break up with somebody, you know. You will always know what you want deep down. Nine times out of ten, what's holding you back is your worry about their feelings and hurting them. In a relationship, you do take the other person's feelings into account. But when it comes to things like breakups, you should be taking what will make you feel the best into account.

Mel Robbins: But what if you're terrified about hurting this person and you know they're going to cry and you just don't want to deal with it and you're going to see them at school?

Oakley: That's a given. If you are not happy anymore in this relationship, I can promise you, you will be more happy out of it. Yes, there will be those times where maybe you see them and maybe it's a little awkward or they cry and it's a little sad, but that's a moment in time that might last like an hour instead of you spending the rest of your time with somebody that you aren't currently happy with.

Mel Robbins: I noticed something about you. Maybe this is too much information that you don't like the random hookup.

Oakley: No. No, I don't. This is a me thing, but I want to know the person. I want to like care about them. I want to feel like there's something there. I want to see something with them because I don't see a point in just hooking up with somebody to hook up with somebody. I feel like it's kind of just tacky and dumb. But if you do it, you do it and that's totally fine. I'm not going to say you're wrong. But for me, I feel like I want to know them and care about them and respect them. Because it also just makes it feel more special and enjoyable when you're actually with them.

Mel Robbins: That's a good point. Is it possible to be friends with your ex?

Oakley: Yeah, I would say.

Mel Robbins: How?

Oakley: In the beginning, you need space. You can't be talking to them after. There can be no hookups afterwards. You shouldn't be calling them while you're drunk or anything like that. You need to understand that it takes time and that you also will not have the same relationship you had when you were dating. But you can still be friends. You can still hang out from time to time. But it's important to know that it won't be the exact same and that it may be a little awkward from time to time.

Mel Robbins: This question is directed to you, Oakley. This is somebody who's going into college. They want to know, "How can I stay in touch with or support my younger sibling as we're shifting into adult sibling relationships?"

Oakley: For me and my sisters, honestly, I wouldn't say we talked that much. We talked every now and then, maybe like twice a month. There's a six and five year difference. We were just living our lives. We were in school and that takes up our priority. There's a lot going on. But I think just reaching out to your younger sibling and being like, "Hey, if you ever need to talk, I am here. I'm always going to be here even if I'm not in the house." That's huge. That's really big. Even if you guys aren't talking every day — which you don't need to be — I just recommend you definitely say, "I'm here to talk whenever you need. I'm always here for you. I went through high school. Let me know what's going on."

Mel Robbins: One thing that made a big difference for me is we started a family group chat. We light it up all day long.

Oakley: Yeah, we do light it up all day long with photos and having a big family group chat.

Mel Robbins: Great.

Oakley: For me, I don't really communicate that often. I'm a horrible texter. I'm horrible at it. Having the group chat where it's just like, mom's like, "How is everybody?" And then Kendall's like, "Oh, I'm great." And I'm like, "Oh, I'm awesome. Here's a photo of where I am right now." And I'm like, "Oh, everyone's chilling out. They're all great." And I'm like, "Cool. I feel great." It makes us feel very connected and you can pop in, you can pop out.

Mel Robbins: We celebrate each other. We do roll call occasionally. We share funny memes.

Oakley: Yeah. Just like a family group chat for anything that you want to talk about is just such a great way to feel connected just because you don't feel like you have to have a serious conversation. You can send one word things. So many times people will text just like, "Miss you guys." And then it's just something cute like that. Or other times someone will send a photo and it's like, "This is so mom" or something. It's just fun stuff like that, which makes you have fun and feel connected.

Mel Robbins: Awesome. Awesome. All right. Next question. "Oakley, what do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents are playing favorites?"

Oakley: I think it's important to have a conversation with your parents about what you feel. It's important to communicate how you feel all the time. If you feel like your parents are playing favorites, you shouldn't play the blame game, of course.

Mel Robbins: As a parent, what would you be most open to hearing if I was like, "I feel like you're picking favorites"?

Oakley: I would say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What am I doing that makes you feel that way? And how can I change?"

Mel Robbins: If you're going to go into that conversation with your parents — because that's a pretty serious conversation — I think that you should definitely have a few examples in mind, a few scenarios.

Oakley: I think it's great coaching to say, come in with specific examples and focus on how it made you feel.

Mel Robbins: For sure. Because if you tell your parents they're playing favorites, they'll get defensive. If you say, "Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm not important," and then you give the examples, then they'll be more open to it.

Oakley: Here's another question, Oak. This time it's from a parent and it's directed at you because they have a question about their 15-year-old. "Oakley, my 15-year-old is always in her room. Do I just let her be? I'm scared for our relationship and I don't know what to do."

Oakley: Hmm. Well, I'm guessing she's always in her room because she is probably on her phone.

Mel Robbins: Oh.

Oakley: Oh, yeah.

Mel Robbins: Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?

Oakley: I mean, most likely, yeah.

Mel Robbins: Okay, so she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.

Oakley: Honestly, since I'm a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or talking to my friends on the phone. But yeah.

Mel Robbins: So she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone.

Oakley: Yes.

Mel Robbins: Okay, so what do you do about that? She's 15, so her whole world is her friends. When do you think somebody should be alarmed that their teen is spending a ton of time alone in the room?

Oakley: I think it's if you don't see them. They come home from school and they just don't leave their room. That's when it is alarming.

Mel Robbins: Do you have a good lead-in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.

Oakley: I'd just be like, "Hey, I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently. I'm just kind of curious as to what's happening."

Mel Robbins: "Nothing."

Oakley: Then I would say, "I want to respond to nothing."

Mel Robbins: That's a great line. I use that line all the time.

Oakley: No shit, you do.

Mel Robbins: I use that line all the time. I have an in. Okay, what's your in?

Mel Robbins: You don't seem like yourself.

Oakley: Yeah, that's good. That'll get them. That'll get them. Because if there is something wrong, then they'll be like, "You're right, there is something wrong."

Mel Robbins: Yeah, that gets them.

Oakley: Yeah. And even if they don't answer right away, it sort of marinates. And then they'll be like, "They know." So I think a big thing you could do is probably have like a family dinner, designated time where everybody has to come together. There's also the fact that she's getting older, however. And so you don't want to step on her coattails too much. Like you want to give her a little bit of freedom. But I would just, in a polite way, I would just have her have a mandatory dinner. It's an hour and a half every night. That's when you guys can get together and talk. So don't worry about the fact that she's in a room on her phone.

Mel Robbins: Is there any kind of thing to do at dinner that opens up conversation?

Oakley: Yeah, we play a game called High and Low, which is pretty simple. All you really do is you share your high of the day and your low of the day. It's actually a great conversation starter just to get into different things at dinner. That usually opens up conversation pretty well for us.

Mel Robbins: Yeah, it really does. Okay. So here's another question from a listener. "What amount of gaming is normal? My son is 17, like Oakley, and is, I think, playing too much games."

Oakley: Yeah, I think I definitely used to have a problem with gaming too much.

Mel Robbins: Really?

Oakley: When I was younger. Yeah, for sure. Just because, well, the thing with guys is that it's super common for a girl to jump on the phone and talk to her best friend for three hours. And that's not frowned upon, which is totally fine. But for a guy, guys don't really do that. But what they do do is they jump on their Xbox or their console or their computer and they game for three hours. And the guy thinks of it as the equivalent of talking to their friend on the phone for three hours. But instead of just talking, they're doing something in front of them as well.

Mel Robbins: Dad and I used to fight about this all the time.

Oakley: I do. Yeah. Because he would be so upset that you were spending hours on whatever video game. I'd be like, "Dude, he's not alone. He's hanging out with his friends. They're on their headsets talking to each other while they're playing." This is a play date.

Mel Robbins: Yeah. He started to understand that this is the equivalent for you anyway of throwing the ball around, kicking the soccer ball around.

Oakley: And also the thing about gaming is most kids that play are gaming, they also do it because they're good at it.

Mel Robbins: Yeah.

Oakley: It's one thing they're good at.

Mel Robbins: Yeah, it is.

Oakley: That's what's kind of nice about it because you can be good at it. It's easy to get good at it. And your friends are into it. And when you're young and you don't have a car and you can't go out and hang out with them and you don't ask your parents, it's just so easy to turn it on and start talking to them and doing something else. So I think that an hour or two, a weekend, if it's like three, four, they're just talking to their friends. They're just trying to connect with people because they can't go anywhere else right now. So I wouldn't worry too much. But again, if it's their whole life and they're just doing it nine to five, I would say you should consider doing other things.

Mel Robbins: Here's another one. "My sister wants to know if Oakley is single. And if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini."

Oakley: Interesting. Yeah, I am single right now and I am a Pisces.

Mel Robbins: Nice. Born in March?

Oakley: Born in March.

Mel Robbins: Okay. You looking for a relationship?

Oakley: I don't need to talk about that here. But I'm just playing it by ear. I'm just letting whatever happens happen.

Mel Robbins: I love that advice. And I also love the questions that we have yet to answer. And we've got questions coming up about confidence and your questions about anxiety. And you really want to stay with us after this break because Oakley is going to walk you through a meditation that he does all the time whenever he feels anxious. It works like a charm. I cannot wait for you to hear it. So stay with us.

[Break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and I'm here with my son Oakley. We are answering your questions. I am thrilled you're still here because I think we've saved the best for last. And this next question, Oakley, is about confidence. Oakley, you're a very confident guy. I was just curious, have you always been that way? And what advice do you have for somebody who's not as confident as you?

Oakley: I feel like for most people, they're quite confident until they get to middle school when people are starting to be like, "Oh my God, I hate myself" because for some reason. I think it's puberty. I think your body's going to change and you lose control over it.

Mel Robbins: Yeah.

Oakley: And it's also just how everybody starts to talk about each other rather than other things. In elementary school, you guys are just talking about who knows what. Legos, toys, ponies, horses, something random. But once you get to middle school and you realize that everybody's starting to talk about each other, then you start to be like, "Oh my goodness, I'm feeling a little self-conscious."

Mel Robbins: You went through the stage where you were self-conscious.

Oakley: Of course I did.

Mel Robbins: How did you go from a kid who was worried about his boobs?

Oakley: Oh my God. My man boobs. I mean, one thing, time heals all for sure. But also just understanding that everybody's going through the same exact thing that you are. You may look at your feet and not like the way your feet look while other people are looking at their forehead. And they're never looking at you. You're the only one looking at yourself.

Mel Robbins: So how do you tap into it though?

Oakley: Theater is a good way. It's such a good way to become more confident because you just have to get over being shy and not wanting to express yourself. So theater is a great way. Not saying that you should force your kids to do theater, but theater is a really good way to get more confidence. Also, just being with the right people is super big because if you're with a bunch of people that are hyping you up all the time, you're going to feel pretty hyped up all the time rather than negative about yourself.

Mel Robbins: Or chasing people that you think will make you cool actually makes you feel insecure.

Oakley: Yeah, that'll 100% make you insecure. If you're trying to achieve a certain image to be with a certain group of people, that's never going to work out for you. I can promise you that.

Mel Robbins: So seek out people that hype you up.

Oakley: That hype you up, that make you feel good when you're around them.

Mel Robbins: Maybe push yourself to do theater or try some clubs.

Oakley: Yeah, try drama club or just something that brings you out of your comfort zone. And if you don't like it, leave the club.

Mel Robbins: So force you to come out of your shell. For example, today is Halloween, spooky season. And I had this duo costume planned with one of my friends, peanut butter and jelly. It's really bulky. It makes you look really weird. And we're talking on the phone before school starts. And I'm like, "Are you going to bring your costume? Are you going to wear it?" And he was like, "You know, probably not." And I was like, "You know what? If you're not going to bring it, I don't really want to wear it. I'm not going to do it." So I get to school. And I'm not really wearing it in the beginning. And then I'm looking around at all these costumes and I'm loving them. I like the stuff that people are wearing. And I'm like, "You know, I'm just going to go for it. I'm going to put it on. I'm going to wear it." And so for the rest of the day, I was walking around in a piece of toast with jelly on it costume. And everyone was like, "Where's the peanut butter?" And I was like, "It's just me. It's just the jelly." And that was super fun because a bunch of people loved it. I loved it. I was having fun with it. And at first I felt like it was something where I'd get judged for doing it. And then I realized that you only live once, which is super corny, but if you never do it, then you're just going to regret it. So I just went for it and I ended up having so much fun with it.

Mel Robbins: And you know what else? When you hold yourself back from trying something like that, you're the one judging yourself. And so simply going, "I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try this thing I've never done." It does give you a boost of confidence because you stop judging yourself the moment you put it on.

Oakley: Yeah. The moment I put it on, I was like, "All right, this is sick. Let's go."

Mel Robbins: What I love about that, Oakley, is you cannot get confident by just sitting on the couch and thinking about it. You have to take action. And whether you're talking about signing up for drama class so that you'll push yourself out of your comfort zone, you got to take action. I can give you another example of doing something new in your life, how that builds confidence. Take dad, for example. He has started these men's retreats and now he has gone back to school and is getting his master's, which is sick.

Oakley: That's totally sick. Super sick.

Mel Robbins: You got to take action. You were just talking about dad starting Soul Degree, the men's retreat. He had never done that before. You got to take action. Now he's signed up to get his master's in transpersonal psychology. Got to take action. You with the toast sitting there going, "Well, my friend's not doing it. I don't know. Are people going to judge?" No, I'm going to do it just because I want to try it. Confidence is the willingness to try. That's the thing that everybody gets wrong about confidence. It's not a feeling. Confidence is an action. And it's a skill in life when you want to try something, making yourself just take the action. That's what builds it.

Oakley: Yeah, exactly.

Mel Robbins: A couple of questions about bullying. "My son is being bullied by his wrestling team in college. Do I step in or let him figure it out?"

Oakley: Hmm. I never knew there was bullying in college, actually.

Mel Robbins: Really? That surprises you?

Oakley: Yes.

Mel Robbins: You've never heard that there's hazing.

Oakley: Hazing is basically bullying.

Mel Robbins: Well, that's basically what she's saying. He's getting hazed.

Oakley: Oh, well, are they hazing him? Hazing is just you're willingly humiliating yourself to be a part of something in college. And if that happens to you, what are you going to do? I just wouldn't join that group.

Mel Robbins: I think it's horrendous.

Oakley: I think it is horrendous, too.

Mel Robbins: It's illegal. It should be. Here's my concern. This mom knows he's being bullied. So he's told his mom.

Oakley: Correct.

Mel Robbins: Which means he's probably not told her the extent of it. And if you're in college and you're reaching out to a parent because you're getting bullied on a college sports team, my radar as a parent is now up.

Oakley: Right.

Mel Robbins: And it's more serious than they're leading on.

Oakley: Right.

Mel Robbins: And it's gotten to the point where they don't know what to do about it.

Oakley: Right. And so I would ask very leading questions.

Mel Robbins: Yeah. "Are you telling me everything? Is this starting to affect your mental health? Have you spoken to anybody about it? What do you think you should do?"

Oakley: I like that. It's great that you told your parents. I had this horrendous experience at summer camp where there was this month-long summer camp. I was super excited. I was super afraid of being away from home. And I was excited. I was ready for this month-long summer camp. And I get there and I ended up getting bullied in like the second week. The first week I was sending letters like, "It's great here. I love it." Second week, shit hit the fan. It was like, "Get me out of here. I hate it here. I want to go home." But I never really told my parents why I hated it so much. I didn't tell them that I was getting bullied. And the second that I did tell my mom I was getting bullied, she became like the Hulk and it was sick because she was protecting me. And she took me out of the camp and I was more than happy about that experience. Let's just say it was so bad when the camp finally did an investigation that we got a three-page letter from the director of the camp saying how they had profoundly failed. This was a really horrendous thing that happened. And so it is a situation where he may not be telling you everything because he's scared about you getting involved.

Mel Robbins: And you were really little. I mean, you were like in sixth grade or something.

Oakley: I was young.

Mel Robbins: You didn't have the full context of somebody who's in college, but even in college, the pressure to not rat out somebody on the team. You're inside this culture of hazing if it's happening at that age. And so getting outside of it and telling your parent, "This is happening. It is scaring me." Give them the details. Because the second you dropped the word bully and you started telling me some of the things that this kid was doing who I wanted to hunt down and kill. I know that's not a mature response, but that's how horrendous it was. It pivoted from "He's not homesick" to "He's actually getting targeted by somebody. And this is unsafe." And so, yes, I agree with that. And I appreciate you saying something, Oak. I love you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know it really shaped you.

Oakley: It did.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Oh, this question, Oak. It's from a listener and it just kind of makes my heart hurt. "Oakley, I'm having a really hard time right now. Does it really get better? Because I feel really lost right now."

Oakley: It will 100% get better. I can promise you that it will get better. I was at a very low point in my life two years ago, sophomore year.

Mel Robbins: Yeah.

Oakley: And I had the same mentality of, "Oh my God, I'm going to feel this way forever and it's never going to go away."

Mel Robbins: You need some water. [Oakley drinks water]

Oakley: Yeah, I don't know what the hell is going on. [He gets emotional]

Mel Robbins: Very profound what you're about to say.

Oakley: Is that dad's water bottle?

Mel Robbins: Yeah, it is.

Oakley: You always steal dad's stuff. Because he has the best stuff. Oh, it's great. OK. Yeah, it will 100% get better. I can promise you that. Sophomore year, I was in a really dark place. And my mentality was, "Well, if I have this mindset now, why would it ever go away?" And over time, I still had the mindset a bit. And then slowly, it was just more in the back of my mind. And I was like, "Oh, well, yeah, whatever." And then it just kind of went away. And so while it may be hard right now, I can promise you that in time it will get better because it always does.

Mel Robbins: How do you support somebody that you love who has anxiety?

Oakley: Well, I think everybody in our family has anxiety, right?

Mel Robbins: I feel like they do.

Oakley: Well, anxiety is a part of life.

Mel Robbins: Yeah, it is a part of life. It's when it's chronic and everybody in our family has gone through periods where they've been stuck in a state of anxiety.

Oakley: Yes.

Mel Robbins: And so how do you support somebody?

Oakley: The best way to support somebody with anxiety is just, you got to be a bit of a rock for them. You got to let them know that you're there for them when they need you. And that sometimes you can't be there all the time, but it's important to let them know that you can be there to listen and that they're not alone when they are anxious. Things will get better.

Mel Robbins: What are some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Because you've struggled with anxiety. We have a profound number of questions from young adults, teenagers, college students.

Oakley: Something that always works, which is hard to do when you're anxious. I get it. It's hard to take a chill, but to sit and plant your feet.

Mel Robbins: Will you walk us through it?

Oakley: Yeah, sure.

Mel Robbins: So walk us through what you do when you're anxious.

Oakley: Okay. So I sit. And I plant my hands on my thighs. I sit up straight.

Mel Robbins: Okay.

Oakley: And then I take a few deep breaths with my eyes open.

Mel Robbins: With your eyes open?

Oakley: I do like the table drill, but I don't know if I could do that right now.

Mel Robbins: What's a table drill? I don't know what that is.

Oakley: I've done that with you where you do your mentors and the wisdom and all that.

Mel Robbins: Oh.

Oakley: I don't know if I can do that right now.

Mel Robbins: Sure. Do it.

Oakley: Okay. I guess we're doing it. I'll do it for you. So what you do is you plant your feet, put your hands on your thighs or wherever. Just somewhere where they stop moving.

Mel Robbins: Okay.

Oakley: And then you just look around. And you want to breathe in through your nose, just your nose, and then out through your nose. And so you're just... And then you're just looking around. And then you do another one. One more time. All right. And then after the third breath, you close your eyes and you keep breathing in and you just keep repeating. Breathe in. And I actually invite you at home to join in if you want. If you're driving, though, please don't close your eyes on the road. That would be bad. So you're just going to keep breathing in. And once you feel like you have gotten to a place where you can be a little centered, you think about a very big table. And you are sitting where I'm sitting and across the table you see your mentors. So your mentors are people who you look up to, who you feel inspired by, and they can be real, they can be fictional. So if you really like a cartoon or you really like a movie actor, they can be someone you've never met. It really can be anybody that you just look to for guidance and wisdom. And so you imagine your mentors across the table from you. You could have one, you could have 20, you could have a hundred. I mean, if you have a hundred, it's going to take a while, but you can. And so you're in this space, you're breathing in and out and you see your mentors and you want to look at the mentor all the way to your left and you just want to ask them in your head, "Do you love me?" And then you're going to go down the line and you're going to ask them all if they love you. So I'll give you guys a minute to do that. I'll do it too. And so once you get down the line, you're going to go back to the beginning and you're going to ask, "Do you have any wisdom for me?" And sometimes I like to think that the wisdom is just the first thought that comes to my mind when I'm asking them. So you look at them, you imagine their face. Imagine if they're smiling, maybe they're frowning, and just hear what they have to say and go down the line and ask them if they have wisdom. And then once you feel that you've gotten your wisdom from your people, you're going to go back to the beginning yet again, and you're going to ask them if they love you one more time. And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes and you can look around and appreciate your area.

Mel Robbins: I already feel very grounded now.

Oakley: I do too. But it's at your table. I don't know. I'm not gonna tell you it's my full secret for me.

Mel Robbins: Oh, that's beautiful. So I think it's always good. And I always, that exercise is always supposed to make you feel connected to people. And sometimes when you're anxious, you feel alone and disconnected. And so that's a good way to feel connected to people if you're not with them in that moment.

Oakley: That was beautiful.

Mel Robbins: All right. So Oak, thank you so much for being here. I love doing this with you. And I also just love hearing your take on this stuff.

Oakley: Yeah. I love sharing my 18-year-old brain with you.

Mel Robbins: Well, you're the best. And you know what? You're the best. Thank you for being here and spending time with us. And in case no one else tells you, I'm going to tell you that I love you.

Oakley: I love you, too.

Mel Robbins: I believe in you.

Oakley: I believe in you as well.

Mel Robbins: And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

Oakley: As do I.

Mel Robbins: So go do it.

Oakley: So go do it.

Mel Robbins: All right. We'll see you in a few days.

Oakley: Let's go. Let's get it.

Mel Robbins: We're going. Let's get it. Okay, you ready?

Oakley: I am absolutely ready.

Mel Robbins: Okay. Oh, what was it? "How am I doing, Mom?"

Oakley: Wow. Wow. That's deep.

Mel Robbins: Oh, shoot. Sorry.

Oakley: No, it's great.

Mel Robbins: We gotta redo that.

Oakley: No, we don't.

Mel Robbins: Even though I talked over you?

Oakley: I don't care.

Mel Robbins: Okay, let's try it again. Is that your phone buzzing? Get it off the table.

Oakley: Was it buzzing?

Mel Robbins: Yes.

Oakley: Oh, it was, yeah. Sorry about that.

Mel Robbins: Ugh. All right, where was I?

Oakley: Please. I don't know.

Mel Robbins: So how are you feeling about the college process?

Oakley: Fantastic. I'm submitted. It's awesome, like I said.

Mel Robbins: And that's true, Oakley, for anyone that feels pressure about anything. I mean, I can think of a bunch of examples. Like, for example, if your son and your daughter are trying to have—

Oakley: Oh, if your son and your daughter are trying to have a baby, that's a problem.

Mel Robbins: That could get it. It's supposed to be daughter-in-law. That's supposed to be a daughter. There's a blooper.

[Laughter]

Mel Robbins: Okay, here we go. Okay. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. What the lawyers write, and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.