4 Ways to Stay Calm When You’re Stressed: This Life Advice Will Change Your Future

Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I have been dying to talk to you because I have the greatest story to tell you. And I don't know how to say this without sounding like it's a big flex. So here goes. I'll just say it. Our daughter, Kendall, was invited to sing at Carnegie Fricking Hall in New York City. And that's the beginning of this crazy story that I want to tell you that involves so many cool, hilarious things like how to stay calm when you're stressed or the benefits of screaming in an elevator, the world's coolest pair of pants and why you should never, and I mean never, try to film a performance at Carnegie Hall on your iPhone.

You are going to love this story. You will laugh at my expense and adore the four life lessons that I learned that random night. These are four lessons that are going to help you act confident when you're stressed, be fearless under pressure, reach your potential, and unlock the magic in your life. So get ready for four lessons I learned recently on one random night in New York City. Let's do this.

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Mel Robbins: Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so glad you tuned in because boy, do I have a doozy of a story to share with you and four things that I learned on this random night that I spent in New York City. And I'm going to get to that in a moment, but I just want to acknowledge you for something before we get started. You could be doing a million things right now, and yet you chose to listen to something that could help you make your life better. And I think that's so cool. And you are going to love, love, love today's episode because you're going to love the story and you're also going to get something out of it.

I have been dying to tell you what happened when I was in New York City a couple of weeks ago. And it's a story about how you can stay calm when you feel like you're about to throw up from stress. I'm going to talk about the benefits of just randomly screaming in an elevator. Who knew? You'll also hear this incredible thing that happened. It's about the world's coolest pair of pants. You're going to know what I'm talking about in just a minute and why you should never, and I mean never, try to film a performance at Carnegie Hall on your iPhone.

You are going to love this story about what happened in New York City to me. But more importantly, there are four life lessons that I learned that night. And these are lessons that will help you, number one, act confident when you're feeling stressed out. It will help you be fearless when you're under pressure. These lessons will help you reach your potential, no matter what situation you're in, and unlock the magic that is in your life. Oh, I love this.

All right. So I'm sure you're thinking, well, how did this all start? What story? What happened in New York City? So here's what happened. Our daughter, Kendall, is 23 years old. She's a singer-songwriter, and she lives out in Los Angeles. And earlier this year, she released her very first single on Spotify. And I got to say, you showed up. I mean, this podcast family, you are the best. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to Kendall's single, "Pastime," for sharing it with your friends. You helped that song take off, and it's been exhilarating to watch it happen because she's been working really hard, and it feels like now her career has officially begun.

And it's so thrilling because it seems like she's got a lot of momentum. Because of the success of the song, all kinds of cool things started to happen. People in the music industry are reaching out to her. And so as I've been watching all this go down over the last couple of weeks from the East Coast, I'm like, oh my gosh, she is riding the wave. She is also back in the studio working on some new songs because, like, you know, it's not just one thing that you do that's going to make you successful. You got to keep on doing the reps. And so I'm over here on the East Coast while she's on the West Coast. I'm like, yeah, go, go, go.

And then all of a sudden she gets an email, check this out, inviting her to come to New York City and perform her new single "Pastime" at Carnegie Hall. Holy freaking cow. Oh my God. Can you believe this? And you're probably thinking, how the heck did she get invited to sing at Carnegie Hall? Well, that's a great question. See, a year ago, she met a bunch of incredible musicians at the Newport Folk Festival, and she kept in touch with them. And one of them reached out and invited her to join them at this incredible concert called the Piano Recital at Carnegie Hall. It happens once a year. It's produced by Ramey Egan. And if you haven't heard about it, no big deal.

The Piano Recital is a bunch of renowned musicians. So like the biggest name there, Mandy Moore. And side note, Kendall grew up listening to Mandy Moore. I mean, she calls Mandy Moore her quote, "musical mom" because she had Mandy Moore's album, *Wild Hope* on repeat. I mean, played that sucker into the ground. So at the Piano Recital at Carnegie Hall, all these renowned musicians show up. They perform two of their original songs. But get this, the only instrument that accompanies them is a piano. Hence it's called the Piano Recital. It's a super cool, intimate, stripped down thing.

And so when Kendall told me, my first reaction was like, oh my God, portal is open, universe is conspiring. Holy smokies, I cannot believe it. And the second that she called me, I mean, you can already guess what I was like. I was like all over it. I was so excited for her. I was ready to book a plane ticket, invite our friends and our family and make dinner reservations. I started to change all of my work commitments so that I could drive down and obviously be in New York when our daughter steps on stage at Carnegie Hall, right? Because obviously she was going to jump in and do it, right? And this was happening in seven days from the email invitation. Like this was game on. We are in the starting gates. Let's freaking go.

And so of course I'm like, yeah, she's going to reply immediately with a yes, thank you, because these were all of her friends and musicians that she had met the summer before, and they were asking her to do this event. And one of them in particular, his name is Phil Cook. I'll talk about him a bit in this story. He's been like a mentor and a friend to her, said, hey, look, dude, I've already arranged "Pastime" for you on the piano. We're good to go. I'll send the arrangement to you. I'll accompany you on stage. It's going to be awesome.

So the second she told me about the invitation, I'm like, game freaking on. Let's freaking go. That was not her reaction. Her reaction was not, let's go. It was, oh, hell no. And she let that invitation of a lifetime sit there unanswered for 24 hours. What? What? What? I was speechless. I couldn't even understand how anyone could stop and think about an opportunity like that. I mean, you're a singer-songwriter, you get this invitation, like your friend is, why wouldn't you just say, oh, hell yes, oh my God, thank you, I'm on it, let's freaking go. Mom, book the plane tickets, get some reservations, call our friends and family.

And I want to slow down this part of the story and truly unpack this moment with you because it's a moment that you've experienced before so I'm really going to describe it so you can see it. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't reacting the way you thought they should to what you think is good news. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't jumping all over something that you see as this incredible opportunity. I know you've been there with someone that you love in this moment, and maybe it's happening in your life right now.

Someone in your life, you know, they're looking for a new job and you just met the perfect person for them to network with. And so you give the contact information and the email and the phone number to this person that you love and they do nothing. Or someone in your life wants to get in shape and you've asked them, oh my gosh, you're so excited. You're like, let's do this 30 day challenge together. So you text them and say, here's the start date for the challenge. Or maybe you've sent them this awesome personal trainer that you love that you stream classes from, or you told them about the CrossFit box that is in your community that people love. And they do nothing.

Or the person in your life says that they want to cut back on their drinking. And yet there they are at dinner. "I think I'll have a bourbon Manhattan." Or maybe the person that you love has said, oh, I really want to go back to school. I want to apply to nursing school. And you forwarded them this email about this really cool program that you saw. And you can't understand why they haven't acknowledged it? Why haven't they done it? Why is this person that you care about that you see all this potential and why are they not moving on this opportunity?

And the more time that passes, have you noticed? You're now in the deep end emotionally because you're getting frustrated and you have all these opinions about what they should do and the opportunity to just grab life by the horns and try out for that travel team or apply to that program or do that thing. It's right there. And they do nothing. When are they going to do something about this? I mean, isn't this what they wanted?

And let's really play this moment out. Someone you love turns to you and says to you, you know, it's time. I need to find a new job. And that declaration, "I need to find a new job," it opens up this window of time. And a day goes by. And then a week goes by. And then a month goes by. And then there they are, standing in their boxers, eating a waffle at 9:45 on a Wednesday morning. And you're thinking, when are you going to get going on this? I mean, why do I care about this more than you? Why are you eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning when you could be looking for a job and your anger is rising and you're getting judgy and you're biting your tongue and you're kind of angrily washing the dishes? You've done that before, right? Where you're trying to like signal to somebody that you're mad that they haven't done something in a month. Like it's the worst.

And for 24 hours, that was the moment with me and our daughter. This opportunity was there and I could feel the judgment and anger rising up in me. Why are you not replying yes to this email? And with every hour that goes by I'm getting mad and I'm trying not to send a text. You know those texts where you're like "just send it," "just reply," "come on," "just jump in." You're like stop because I'm thinking over here, you got to be kidding me.

And it begs the question, why am I getting mad? I'll tell you why I'm getting mad. It's the same reason why you get mad at the people that you love. Because you see the potential, you see the possibility, you believe in them. You know how great they are. And it's a bummer when somebody that you love is not rising to the occasion with the same confidence in themselves that you have for them. And so I bite my lip and I did a really good job. You would pat your friend Bill Robbins on the back because for 24 hours, I didn't say anything.

And then I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it anymore. And now I'm starting to get texts from her friend, Phil, like, "Hey, I can't wait to see you." And I'm like, she hasn't even responded yet. And so I called her and I said, "Are you going to respond to this?" She exploded at me, just like your husband would explode at you as he's standing there in his boxers, eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning. And you're like, "Are you going to send out that resume?" He would explode at you because everybody hates being called out. And you're not even calling them out directly. What everybody hates is being reminded that you're bigger than your fears. What everyone hates is being reminded that you're avoiding something that you know you want to do.

And my daughter, no different than anyone else. And you know what she said?

Kendall: [Exploding] Stop pressuring me. I think you want this more than I want this. I think you dream of me being a successful singer because you want this for me. I think this is about you. You're arguing with the wrong person.

Mel Robbins: I was like, whoa, wait a minute. Wait one minute. I am living my dream already. I thought this was your dream to be a singer songwriter performing your songs on some of the biggest stages in the world.

Kendall: Well, the problem, mom, is you just assumed I would say yes.

Mel Robbins: And I'm like, of course I did. And then I said the two most important words. I'm confused. I'm confused. Please explain to me how it is that you always wanted to be a singer. You do all of this work to get into the number one program in the world for this, the popular music major at USC. You do all of this work to write, record, and release your own single "Pastime" as an independent artist. You have all of this incredible momentum. You are doing all of the work. You get an invitation from people who you love, who are here to support you and help you and even arrange the piano part of it so you can sing your new song at Carnegie Hall. I'm confused. How is this not a yes?

She had a very compelling answer. It wasn't a yes because she was afraid. Intellectually it makes no sense, right? Emotionally it makes all the sense in the world. That's the disconnect. Intellectually you see somebody's potential, but the person that you love isn't living intellectually, they're living in their emotions. And she felt unworthy of the opportunity. She wasn't sure she was ready. It wasn't lack of desire that was in her way. It was fear and the paralysis that it creates.

And then she started to explain all this stuff that was going on in her mind and in her emotions, like:

Kendall: I don't deserve this. What are my friends who have been working so hard in their music careers going to think? Like, why did this happen for me? What if I screw this up? I don't think I'm ready for this. Like this is happening too fast.

Mel Robbins: And this was an enormous takeaway for me and for you about relationships, because you and I easily see the potential in people that we love. And we forget that the people that we love are so overwhelmed by their fears and insecurities. We're the same way. People that love us see our potential. There are plenty of things that you know you should and could be doing, but you're not. And just like you're frustrated with the people that you love, standing there in his boxers with the waffle, not sending out the resumes, there are things that you have said that you've wanted in your life that you're not working on either.

And that's why when you love someone and they've declared their goals or their dreams or their desires or their wants to you out loud, whether that's getting a new job or being healthier or cutting back on drinking or running a marathon or growing their business or building a music career. If someone tells you what they want and they're not doing anything about it or they don't seize the obvious opportunities in front of them, you have a right to feel confused.

And I'm here to remind you and ask you to hold space for what your loved one wants, to be a loud advocate for what they want so that you can help them push through the fear. I want you to remind them of their potential and of the possibility and why it's worth it to push through the emotion and work for it. And this is a very different way of approaching it than pressuring somebody. This is not about telling somebody what to do. I mean, I know from experience, and I'm sure you do too, that pressuring somebody or telling somebody what to do is the fastest way to get them not to do it, right? They will do the opposite.

So I've already given you a phrase that you can use to help bring clarity without judgment to a situation where someone that you love has declared what they want, but you don't see them doing anything or you see them backing away from the opportunity. Use the phrase I used, "I'm confused." Lead with that phrase. Because when you come from a place of confusion, you're not attacking someone else. You're basically putting the spotlight on you. "I'm confused here." You're gently pointing out that their behavior is not matching what they said they wanted.

Here's an example. "You know, I heard you say you wanted to find a new job and I'm confused because I don't know what you're doing about it. Do you need some help?" Or here's another example. "I heard you say that you wanted to lose 40 pounds and I'm confused because I haven't seen you exercising in the last few weeks. Do you need some support?" And then let them talk.

And here's a piece of advice. When you let them talk after you say, "I'm confused," I want you to imagine that they're literally going to throw up on you because you've just poked the beast. And if fear or insecurity has paralyzed the person you love, the fear and insecurity is going to come out of their mouth first and attack you. So when you go, "I'm confused," you're going to hear, "I'm so busy. How dare you?" And just keep going, "Anything else?" "Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You have been busy. Yep. Anything else?" "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Anything else?" Because what finally will come out is the truth. And the truth is that either they know what they want, but they're scared. Or they know what they want, but they don't know how to get started.

I mean, that was Kendall's response. She was drowning in insecurity, imposter syndrome, and fear. And when somebody is in the deep end emotionally, you need to throw them a lifeline, and here's how you do it. And this is life lesson number one from this random evening that I spent in New York City. Four words. "It's not that deep." It's not that deep. Because somebody deep in their emotions needs to be yanked out of the emotions. And so I want you to use those four words. "It's not that deep."

See, when Kendall started talking about her fear:

Kendall: It's Carnegie Hall. Oh my God, it's New York. It's this, it's in seven days.

Mel Robbins: You can hear how you start to just swirl, right?

Kendall: Kendall, it's not that deep.

Mel Robbins: But mom, it's Carnegie Hall.

Kendall: I'm still here to say it's not that deep. It's an auditorium that happens to be on the corner of 57th and 6th in a town called New York City. It's not that deep. In fact, you didn't even know that the piano concert was happening until you got this email. It's not that deep because no one else knows about it either. And by the way, if you don't post about it on social media or invite any of your friends and family, nobody that you know will be there. It's not that deep. And besides, you've been performing in front of audiences for 15 years. It's not that deep. One of your mentors is performing. It's not that deep.

Mel Robbins: And as I kept saying this phrase, "It's not that deep," she laughed.

Kendall: You're right. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. It's not that deep.

Mel Robbins: And she wrote them back and said, yes. And this is a reminder that every situation in life doesn't need to be so damn serious. Everything that you face doesn't need decades of trauma therapy to get through it. The stakes don't need to be so high all the time, but it is so easy, isn't it, to get yourself all worked up in the emotional deep end of your own mind and body. And that's why you need this lesson, number one, "It's not that deep."

And I have to credit Kendall because she's the one that actually taught me this phrase. "It's not that deep, mom. It's not that deep." And now I'm using it back on her, which I love even more. And even hearing myself say those four words, "It's not that deep," it gives me the space when I said it to her. "It's not that deep, dude." That look, Mel, it's not that deep. If she doesn't want to go to New York this coming week and perform at Carnegie Hall, she doesn't have to do it. It's not that deep. There will be other opportunities. You don't need to worry about this. It's not that deep. It relaxes them. It relaxes you. It lowers the stakes. It allows rational thinking and support to step in.

Because the fact is, if she's not ready, she shouldn't do it. If she doesn't want to do it, she shouldn't do it. And if she decides not to do it, it's not that deep. So it also helped me relax into the idea that this is her decision. Let's just get the emotions out of the way.

And there's one more thing I want to point out about this first lesson and why "It's not that deep" will really help you. No one needs pressure from you. They already feel enough of it. Like, let's take the example of looking for a new job, that is a stressful experience, even if you're excited to find a new job. And if you've been laid off and you're looking for a new job, that's even more stressful. So you need the phrase, "It's not that deep." So you can lower the stakes and keep your composure and your productivity and your momentum and your clear thinking.

And you can use "It's not that deep" to push yourself forward when you start feeling paralyzed, like everything is so high stakes. No, it's not, dude, it's just a resume. It's not that deep. It's just an interview. It's not that deep. It's just a job offer. It's not that deep. And I can't allow myself to get into the deep end or I'm going to screw myself over. That's why you got to say it's not that deep. So you keep working towards something and not paralyze yourself. And also so that you can keep your wits about you when things do start to work out. So you don't blow up the opportunity by getting too emotional.

Same thing's true with dating. Yes, it can be very demoralizing to be out in the dating world and to find yourself asking yourself, why is everybody I'm meeting such a loser? Why does everybody else have a significant other not me? When is it going to be my turn to love? Why don't you start saying, you know what? It's not that deep. The fact is you haven't met the person who's good enough for you yet. That's why you're still single. See, it's not that deep.

All right. So lesson number one, the phrase, "It's not that deep." It allows you to take these moments a lot less seriously. But you know what I take really seriously? Our advertisers, because they support this show and allow me to bring you this awesome, awesome podcast at zero cost. So let's take a quick listen, but don't you dare go anywhere because when we come back, we're moving on to lesson number two, which is the shocking power of a good scream and wait to hear the story about where this good scream happened. Stay with me.

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Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so thrilled that you are here with me. I am excited to continue telling you the story about what happened when our daughter was invited to sing her new single, "Pastime," at Carnegie Hall and the four life lessons that I learned on that random night in New York City.

I've already shared lesson number one, where we talked about using four simple words, "It's not that deep," to unhook yourself emotionally when you start to feel upset that someone that you love is not seizing an opportunity or moving forward and working toward what they want. And you can also use "It's not that deep" to unhook yourself when you're the one that's paralyzed, to push yourself through the fear.

So now that you're moving, let's keep the story moving. And where the story picks up is that she replies to the email, and now we're going to fast forward seven days to the day of the Piano Recital at Carnegie Hall. And on the day of the recital, it's a Friday, I'm driving down from Vermont and Kendall is flown in the night before and she's staying with some friends from college in New York City.

And as I'm about to get to the city, she calls me, it's like around 2:30 and says:

Kendall: Hey mom, will you pick me up down in the West Village at my friend's apartment and then drive me up to Carnegie Hall? I just think it would be so cool to see you.

Mel Robbins: And I was really excited about this because I just assumed I wasn't going to see her until after her performance because I didn't want to stress her out. But I was like, yeah, I can pick you up. We got plenty of time. And she reminded me that her call time at Carnegie Hall was 4:15 and the sound check was going to happen at 5:30. So plenty of time. And honestly, I was just absolutely thrilled.

So I'm driving down the West Side Highway. I pull up to the apartment. She jumps in the car. We brace each other. It was so exciting. And what immediately struck me was she was just cool as a cucumber. And we were talking up a storm and she had had a great night the night before and we're driving uptown and this song comes on that she loves. And she grabbed my hand and she started to cry.

Kendall: [Crying] I just can't believe this is happening.

Mel Robbins: And I'm like, I can't believe it was happening either. So I was just thrilled to be in the moment. And honestly, to have a little bit of time with her before the show began and before some of our family and friends started to arrive in town to see her perform. And I had booked a hotel that was next door to Carnegie Hall. Like I'm talking the building is next door to Carnegie Hall. So we pulled up to the hotel at 3:45. Plenty of time, right?

We drop our bags at the hotel, we walk into the lobby and boom, her grandmother was standing there. Her grandmother had flown in from Florida to surprise Kendall. There's crying and squeals and hugs. And now, wow, game on. Excitement is really building. It's starting to feel real. You know what I mean? Like this is actually happening.

So we get into the elevator and it's me and it's her grandma, JJ, and JJ's boyfriend John. And so we're going up the four of us and I'm starting to feel Kendall's pre-performance anxiety kicking in. How do I know? Because I can spot the way that I feel in these moments where I'm about to do something big. She's darting around the room. She's getting frustrated. She can't find her water. She can't find her this. She can't find her lipstick. She can't find her pants. She got the wrong pants. And she's starting to get, you know, short like people are like, "Well, can I help you?"

Kendall: [Frustrated] No, you can't help me. I can't find it.

Mel Robbins: Like so you getting, you've been in that situation with people that you love, right? So now it's 4:00 and she starts going:

Kendall: We got to go. We got to go. We got to go.

Mel Robbins: And she has shoved all these clothes in her bag because she doesn't know what she wants to wear.

Kendall: We got to go. We got to go.

Mel Robbins: And I'm trying to calm her down and reassure. Wrong thing to do. I'm like:

Mel Robbins: We got time, honey. Carnegie Hall is right next door. I've seen the backstage door. It's literally 90 seconds from here. I saw the security guard. I saw the metal detector. I checked it out. We were going to go through it. Easy peasy.

Mel Robbins: I don't even think she heard me. Like she's now in that state where she's ramped up. So we get into the elevator. Now, mind you, we now have an 86-year-old grandmother and her 85-year-old boyfriend tagging along. And so I'm starting to realize, okay, the last thing Kendall probably wants right now is an entourage. And so I start saying:

Mel Robbins: Hey, listen, we don't need to come with you to soundcheck. Seriously. Like, if you just want to go and deal with this yourself, I will go hang out.

Kendall: [Grabbing my arm] No, mom, I really want you to be there.

Mel Robbins: So I say, okay. And so her grandmother's like:

Grandma JJ: Okay, well, we'll just walk you to the door.

Mel Robbins: So we all head out to the hotel. We turn to the right. I see the stage door. It's open right on 56th Street. And I point:

Mel Robbins: Honey, it's right there.

Kendall: [Agitated] No, it's not. No, it's not. You don't have the information. I have the information. It's on another street. I have the information. Come on, we're going to be late. We're going to be late. I hate being late.

Mel Robbins: And she takes a right and cuts through the building between the hotel and Carnegie Hall and speed walks through the lobby in the wrong direction. And I'm trying to tell her grandmother:

Mel Robbins: Okay, you guys go. I'm going to go catch up with her.

Mel Robbins: Anxiety is now in full charge. She is speed walking like she's at the Olympic speed walking finals. And I am now running after her and she's pumping her arms. And now she's out the lobby and taking a left on 57th street. I don't even see her anymore. So I'm running through the lobby. I get out the building by now. She's at the corner and you can tell she's upset. The scarf is flying. She's like, where is her...

Mel Robbins: And I'm like, it's back there. It's back there. And she darts around the thing. And I'm like, we got time. We got—and she—you can just feel it. And none of the doors are open. And so as she goes to every door at Carnegie Hall and kind of grabs her, they're not opening. And so that's increasing the thing. And so I start to break into a light jog and I round the corner on 57th and 6th and cut down 6th in the front of Carnegie Hall. And then I go back down 56th to the door that's right next to our hotel. We have basically sprinted around a New York City block to arrive almost exactly where we were when we walked out of the hotel.

Kendall: [Repeating] I hate being late. I hate being late. I hate being late.

Mel Robbins: I'm like, we're still on time. We're still on time. It is 4:13. We should have been 20 minutes early.

Kendall: I hate being late.

Mel Robbins: I'm like, you're right. You're right. But we're okay. We go through the metal detector. She asked for directions. The security guards were wonderful. They say, you got to go up to the second floor. She is still repeating in a huff.

Kendall: I hate being late. I hate being late. I hate being late.

Mel Robbins: We round the corner. We hit the up arrow on the elevator. Looking at the watch, it's okay. It's just 4:15 right now.

Kendall: See, I'm late. I'm late. We're in the building.

Mel Robbins: And so now we're starting to bicker. The elevator doors open up. We race in. She punches the two so we can go up to the second floor where she's supposed to go meet all the other musicians.

Kendall: [Agitated] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Mel Robbins: And the elevator goes down. It's going to the basement instead of the second floor. And as that elevator dropped, my heart began to sink. And it's just the two of us in there. Kendall drops her head and puts her hands over her face. And then she pulls her hands by her side with two fists and lets out this blood-curdling scream. I was shocked. Here I thought she was about to start sobbing. Are you kidding? Talk about a badass move. I mean, how often do you have these moments where you are so pent up with emotion that you are about to burst into tears or you just stuff it down and you never release it? I mean, this was a primal scream. This was like a cathartic moment where she released everything that had been building up probably for a week since she got that first email, right? This was not a scream of weakness. This was a fricking lioness roar. And what I loved about it, she didn't care that I was in there. She didn't care what I was thinking. She didn't care who might hear her. What if you gave yourself permission to do that? To release the tension, to just let it freaking rip, you know, to just scream with all your might, to stop holding it in, to stop trying to hold it together. Maybe you're sitting there in the front seat of your car, just let it scream. I would scream right now, but it would really hurt your ears if you have earbuds in. So I'm not going to do that. But you could walk into a bathroom stall. You could pick up a throw pillow if one of the kids is sleeping or taking a nap. You don't want to wake him up. Just walk out the front door and stand in your front yard and just scream it out. Hit the release valve. That's lesson number two. The power of a good scream. It wouldn't feel so good if you gave yourself permission to just release it all. I mean, Kendall's scream echoed through the elevator shaft. It was like the elevator was shaking. And it not only broke all the tension for her, I'll tell you what, it also sounded the alarm because let me tell you what happened. The second she let out that scream and her fists were by her side, she was like—as soon as she was done screaming, it was like, boom, she was back in control. Like it never happened. And it was kind of funny because what actually did happen is all of a sudden we hit the basement and the doors open. And there's literally a dude who has clearly run toward the elevator. He's out of breath. He's heard the scream.

Security Guard: Are you okay? I heard the scream.

Kendall: Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just had a moment. I just needed to just scream. You know how you need to scream sometimes.

Security Guard: [Laughing] Oh, I totally get it. Happens all the time in here.

Mel Robbins: He got on the elevator with us, rode up to the main floor, got out on the main floor. So we're still not to the second floor. But because she had screamed, she was no longer stressed out. She was in her power. And it turns out there's a lot of research on how therapeutic screaming can be. It was such a powerful moment. Researchers speculate as to why. See, after you scream with intention like that, the relief that you feel after a big scream or a good cry is because there's this huge rush of endorphins and peptides produced by the pituitary gland and your central nervous system. And they act on your brain's receptors. It increases the pleasure center—maybe that's where the control comes from. It reduces pain and stress and it increases strength. Now, this comes from Dr. Brian Bruno, who's the medical director at MidCity TMS, a New York City-based medical center that's focused on treating depression, and he wrote this big article about it. Dr. Bruno says that as you scream, your body becomes more alert and you release tension in the muscles that are caused by bottled up emotions. I mean, screaming literally gives voice to your emotions and transforms that feeling that can paralyze you and keep you stuck from something that's silent and creating this inner tension to something that you physically feel and hear and process. It allows you to release the emotion and take control. That's exactly what I witnessed in the elevator. Because as the elevator started to rise from the lobby up to the second floor, and we got closer to the second floor, you could hear the piano playing in the rehearsal rooms. The doors of the elevator opened to the second floor. And there we were with all the performers. And the first person that was there to greet us, her buddy Phil, he was waiting like a warm hug. Everything in that moment seemed to reset. And you could feel that things were different because they were. And you want to know what's amazing? I haven't even gotten to the good part of the story yet. Let's take a quick pause and hear a word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring this show to you at zero cost. And when you listen, just send them a little hug back. And if you need to release the tension, feel free to scream it out while we're on break, maybe in the front seat of your car while you're out on a walk. And just know that I'll be waiting here for you just like Phil was waiting for us outside that elevator, like a warm hug after the break. Because you and I still have two more life lessons to cover. And I'm only just getting started with this story. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

[Ad Break]

Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so thrilled that you're here with me. I'm telling you the story about this random night that our daughter sang her new song, "Pastime," at Carnegie Hall and the four life lessons I learned. We've covered two already. Number one, it's not that deep. You gotta use that as a phrase to unhook you when you start getting deep in the emotions and you feel paralyzed. You can also use that to push somebody that you love through their emotions and get them going toward what they want. Second, the power of a good scream. Do not keep that pressure in. Give yourself permission to release it. Whether it's a scream, a cry, a sigh, a hug, stop bottling it up and take control. Now let's move on to lesson number three, which is give someone your pants. I know it makes no sense. It will in a minute. But we are now at the part of the story where we're at Carnegie Hall. The elevator doors have opened up. We are on the second floor where all the rehearsal rooms are and the artists are milling about. And all of a sudden this woman walks by and she is the epitome of cool. Just this woman that looks like an artist, you know, she's got the coolest clothes on and this cool aura about her. And she was wearing like a black leather jacket and a black t-shirt and these super cool big glasses. And she's got this awesome kind of shaggy, long haircut. And she has her younger daughter with her and she's got on these insanely cool pants. They were these black pants that were kind of high-waisted and they fit kind of just right over the hips. And then they went out like these huge—not even bell-bottoms, because you know what it looked like? It looked like a ball gown. You know how a ball gown that you would wear to a big fancy event or something that you would expect a Disney princess to wear, like some big gown at the bottom. It looked like that only when she started walking, you realized, oh my God, those are pants. How freaking cool is that? And so Kendall turns to me and says:

Kendall: Oh my gosh, I think I know that lady because I think she was at the Newport Folk Festival. I recognized not only her, but I think she was wearing those same pants at the Newport Folk Festival because I remember seeing her with some of the artists who were playing at the piano recital with me tonight. And I think she was wearing those same pants.

Mel Robbins: And I was like, oh, we got to find out who makes those pants. And then all of a sudden Phil's like:

Phil: Dude, no, we got to go play our song.

Mel Robbins: And so we go into the rehearsal room. And this was like a super cool moment. Kendall and Phil were at the piano in this tiny little room and I'm crouched down in the corner. And here they are working out the piano arrangement of her song. It's like 4:30 in the afternoon at Carnegie Hall on the second floor. I could have sat crouched in the corner, staying out of their way, just listening to them forever. It was so cool to watch two wildly talented musicians just work and speak this language that I have no idea how people do that. It's fascinating. And before we knew it, it was 5:30 and it was time for Kendall and Phil to go downstairs to the stage at Carnegie Hall and do their soundcheck. And before we got there, I'd been told all these things about Carnegie Hall, like they're super strict and they will kick you out if you try to film. And so I was very cautious about taking any photos or doing whatever. And you know, here we go. We go down the elevator again and then we get on the first floor and we walk into the holding area backstage at the main stage at Carnegie Hall. And as we walk backstage, this woman with a headset and a clipboard comes up. She's running the show. And it turns out she's a huge fan of this podcast. Oh my God. And so she gave me a huge hug and I'm like, universe, thank you. And she lets me sit on the stage against the wall so I could watch the rehearsal. So I sat on the stage at Carnegie Hall when the theater was completely empty. And I got to watch everybody warming. It was like the coolest thing. And the lights were like purple and blue and just the majesty of this. I don't even know if that's the right word. There was just so much spirit that was present in that room. And, you know, you could hear everything. It was like, when somebody walked up to the piano and Phil went up first, and he played his first song a little bit. And I want you to just hear—you can kind of hear the echo and the spaciousness of this rehearsal. And as Phil was playing, the woman with the cool pants came over. She literally came on stage and she sat down and we started talking. She had her five-year-old daughter there with her. And we were talking about how she's friends with a bunch of the musicians and that she just loves music and she was in town for work. And, you know, I didn't know who she was yet. And I'll get to that in just a minute. And, you know, I lean over and I'm like:

Mel Robbins: By the way, I have to tell you, your pants are unbelievable. Where did you get your pants?

Leanne Ford: [Laughing, throwing her head up] Oh my God, if only these pants could talk. I have had these pants for 20 years. I call them the traveling pants because they have been all over the world. Girlfriends have borrowed them. People have asked to use them. I just love these pants.

Mel Robbins: Well, who makes them?

Leanne Ford: I have no idea. The tag fell out years ago. I keep threatening to copy the pants and make a pair of pants, but I just— [Switching topic] Is that your daughter?

Mel Robbins: Because now Kendall was walking up to Phil who had just finished up his mic check. And I was like:

Mel Robbins: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Leanne Ford: It must be so thrilling to see your daughter perform here at Carnegie Hall.

Mel Robbins: And I nodded and I could feel the tears coming up. And then Kendall and Phil started their soundcheck. I don't think I took a breath for five minutes straight. I just sat in awe that we were here. And after they finished, Kendall and Phil walked over and Kendall started talking to this amazing woman with the pants. And it turns out her name is Leanne Ford. And I did not know this at the time, but you may know her because she has a show on HGTV. She's a famous interior designer. I mean, she looks like somebody who would design pottery and furniture. And she happened to be in town because she was releasing a new line with Crate and Barrel. I mean, how freaking cool is this? So now I'm realizing, oh my God, this person's like—not only looks cool, but she's doing so many cool things. And so Kendall walks over and she goes:

Leanne Ford: So Ken, what are you going to wear tonight?

Kendall: You know, I'm not sure. I've got a bunch of stuff I borrowed from my roommates, but you know, I really don't know what I should do.

Leanne Ford: Well, you've got to wear something fabulous. I mean, it is Carnegie Hall.

Kendall: I wish I had time to run to a store. I mean, I don't really love everything I have. I mean, I wish I had something fabulous like what you're wearing right now.

Mel Robbins: And that was that. We chatted for a few—four minutes. We said goodbye. I went back to the hotel. Kendall went back up to the rehearsal room with Phil. I wished her luck. And I thought that was going to be it. And then I get a text from her and she says:

Kendall: [Text message] You have to come over. It's like 7:30 now. Doors open at eight o'clock. You have to come over. Something incredible just happened.

Mel Robbins: Like, do you need anything?

Kendall: [Text message] No, no, no, just come, just come, just come.

Mel Robbins: So I go racing down the elevator, out the front door, to the stage door, back up the elevator, to the second floor. I'm now in the little room that they were sitting in and I open up the door and she's like:

Kendall: Mom, you're not going to guess what happened.

Mel Robbins: What happened?

Kendall: The pants.

Mel Robbins: What pants?

Mel Robbins: And then I look at her, she's wearing the cool ballroom skirt pants. I'm like, what? Turns out a couple hours after the conversation on the stage, Leanne came to her room, knocked on the door and gave Kendall the pants she had been wearing. And she handed her this extraordinary note about wearing the pants with love and joy and wishing her all of this success and congratulations about this moment and then ending it by saying:

Leanne Ford: [In the note] And when you're ready, here's my address. Just send them back with love.

Mel Robbins: She literally gave my daughter the pants she was wearing. She went back to her hotel, changed out of those pants into something else, came back to Carnegie Hall, wrote a note and handed them to my daughter to wear on stage. It is one of the most kind and generous gestures I have ever seen a woman do for another woman. It's not about the pants at all, is it? She took her pants off and gave them to my daughter with love. And I want to pause here and ask you, what if you lived your whole life like that? What if your possessions were not yours to have, but yours to give and to lend to others, to lift them up? That the pants that you're wearing right now as you hear my voice or you watch this on YouTube, that they could be a gift to somebody. You know, I didn't get a chance to thank her in person. I was so moved by it and by just how beautiful they looked on Kendall. It was like Cinderella's slipper. I mean, they fit her perfectly. And the heels that Kendall was wearing were the perfect height so she didn't trip on them. And I was so moved that I just had to reach out to her. And so the only way that I knew to reach out to her was to DM her on Instagram. And I want to read you the exchange that we had.

Mel Robbins: [Reading DM] I wanted to say thank you. You giving Kendall your pants to wear last night was one of the coolest things I've ever experienced a woman doing to support another woman. It was such a kind and generous gesture on so many levels. And then I told her that I was going to get them dry cleaned and get them FedExed back to her safe and sound. And, you know, just acknowledge her for being super cool. And by the way, so was your collection at Crate and Barrel. We got to lift each other up, you know what I'm saying? Wait till you hear her response.

Leanne Ford: [Reading DM response] Nah, honestly, it wasn't even a question in my mind. Feel free to take those pants for a spin too, because I believe you said you have a big speech coming up. So many thoughts, Mel. One, Kendall did the most incredible job. Wow. I felt so thrilled for her and for my pants. Her look was worthy of the magnitude of the event. Though I was thinking the entire time, don't trip, don't trip, which is my norm in those puppies. But what I've been thinking about all day and something that I honestly will not soon forget was watching a mom—you—watch your daughter prepare to sing on stage at Carnegie Hall that afternoon. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting there with my own daughter and feeling this beautiful core life memory forming in her own little heart. But I can't describe what I was feeling at that moment enough to do it justice. Just that I felt such joy coming from you. And I felt such joy for you as a mother. Different than I was feeling for Kendall, even as the performer. It must have been emanating off of you. Because man, oh man, I was picking up what you were putting out. The confidence you have created and supported in your daughter is obvious to all who meet her. And meeting you two together, I know why. May I give my daughter the same light you've given yours.

Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the fourth and final lesson. If you want to make something a core memory, do not try to film it. Seriously. I had been warned repeatedly that you get kicked out of Carnegie Hall if you try to film a live performance. And so I had looked at every possible way to sneak in a camera and try to film our daughter singing without getting caught. I was ready to do my best. I had tried it out. I literally—you would have laughed so hard—I had on a big trench coat and I kept my elbows tucked at my sides and held the phone close to my chest and I got the perfect shot ready to go. And as she walked on that stage, I hit the record button. But when she started singing, I couldn't help but lean forward into the moment. And I forgot about the camera. And I forgot about where I was. And I just was present in the moment. And as I took in every single second of her performance, I had no idea that I had tilted forward so far that I was filming the railing in front of me. I didn't get any of it on camera. But I'm glad I didn't. Because you can't be present to your phone and present to your life at the same time. Don't be so obsessed with capturing everything that you miss out on experiencing it. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you this today, let me be the one to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. It's not that deep, so go do it. I'll see you in a few days.

[Music: "I knew wondering what you were ready for / Not talking about this relationship between us / I mean to say I seen love was looking your way / Wondering why you were looking away / Just don't understand your objection / Said it's a body connection that's hearsay / Evidence clearly states sex wasn't even in question / It's a close case can't remember but I got carried away / I got a sweet tooth you just gave me a taste / Really wanted to make it too / And I was more than enough / Go."]

Mel Robbins: Thank you, Jessie. All right. Great. Hold on a second. I'm like feeling like not. Where are we? Good. She released her very verse. Okay. All right. Do I need to—Amy, anything? Fantastic. You liked it? Okay, great. Oh my God. Oh my God. No, I love it. I love it. Yeah. Okay. Great. Great, great, great. Gamey, great. Come on. Oh, I'm in the wrong. It's not loading, man. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. Wow, it's really raining. Mud season. So good. So good, you guys. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.