--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome to another episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Now, listen up, because today you and I, we are gonna do some things differently. I rolled up here to the microphone hot today, because I want to talk to all of you listeners in your 20s, because you've been writing in a lot lately. So I see you, I hear you. Today I am showing up for you, and I'm also here to talk to the people who love you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: There are 13 things that I wish I knew in my 20s that I am going to share with you today. And I should warn you, Mel Robbins in her 20s effed up. We're talking unhinged, everybody. This is not an episode, by the way, for little ears, okay? Because my 20s were the hardest, most confusing and overwhelming 10 years of my life. If only I had known these 13 things that I'm gonna share with you today, I would not look back on that decade and wanna go delete.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And by the way, if you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you're gonna love this too because these 13 pieces of advice I use in my life every single day and I'm 55. And you're also gonna love the stories about how screwed up Mel Robbins used to be. But if you are in your 20s, today I'm dedicating this to you because you're probably listening to this because your mom sent you this episode.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you're currently laying in your bed looking at social media, or you have no money in the bank, or you feel shitty about your job, or you've just been ghosted by your last hinge date, do not worry. Mel Robbins is here. I'm gonna put my arms around you and I am not gonna give you that "world is your oyster, you can do anything" pep talk because I didn't want to hear that back in my 20s. And I know you do not want to hear that today.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I'm gonna tell you the truth. And the truth is you can make the most of your 20s and even though they're hard they can also be exciting. And I'm going to teach you the 13 things that I wish I had known while I was sitting in the corner having a panic attack feeling like a lost loser, so that you can learn how to pull your shit together because you can. Let's do it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All righty, it's your friend Mel and today's episode dedicated to all you amazing listeners in your 20s. You've been asking for this, so now I'm giving it to you. And it's also dedicated to all the people in your life right now who love you. And you know what? They're worried about you. They're giving you really irritating job advice. They're trying to help you with your budget. And the fact is your 20s are a really challenging period in your life. Full stop. This decade, not what everybody paints it out to be.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Personally, I was lost in my 20s. And when I look back on that version of me, I'm like, I hate 20-year-old Mel Robbins. In fact, when I think back to that decade, I want to hit the delete button because my main reaction when I think about who I was in my 20s and some of the shit that I did is just cringe.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I also have two daughters in their 20s who are trying to navigate their life. And honestly, they're having a really hard time. Maybe you are too. For example, every single day, it seems I get a FaceTime from our daughter, Kendall. She's 23. She lives in Los Angeles. And when I see her name pop up, I think, oh, my God, I hope she's having a good day today because I have no idea what to expect. She reminds me of me in my 20s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, one day you're flying on cloud nine. You think you just met the love of your life. The next day you have negative twenty five dollars in your bank account. You think you're the ugliest person in your friend group. The person you slept with is no longer texting you back. You have no idea how to do your job. You're terrified everyone's going to figure out you don't know what you're doing. And so whenever she calls, I'm thinking, oh, my God, which version of her am I going to get today on FaceTime? Please, please, please let it be the happy version.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And honestly, I get it because that used to be me because the 20s, that decade, it is not all it's cracked up to be. It doesn't feel like the world is your oyster because the 20s are so freaking hard. And that's just my 23 year old. My 25 year old, she's living at home so that she can save money and she wants to move to New York City in the fall. And, you know, I think she's doing great. But the other day I heard her referring to herself as a depressed gerbil. I mean, just let that sink in. I don't even know if she knows that I heard her say that. She was talking to a friend. She's like, "I just feel like a depressed gerbil, like stuck in a cage up here at my parents." I'm like, oh, my God.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and so I'm worried about our two daughters and I really want to help them. And I want to give them advice to help them navigate what is a very confusing and overwhelming and exciting, by the way, exciting moment in your life. And so I thought, all right, what advice could I give them to make them feel more powerful, to help them navigate the ups and downs, or at the very least, to help them stop crying for five minutes every other hour?
--:-- Mel Robbins: So I've come up with 13 truths that you need to know in your 20s, or frankly, at any time in your life. Whenever you feel lost, overwhelmed, unsure, life isn't meeting your expectations, come back to these 13 truths. And if you have someone in your life that is in their 20s, listen to this so that you can understand how difficult this period of life is and how you can better support them. And by the way, share this episode with every single person in their 20s that you know. They need this advice. They are going to love you for it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the very first thing I'm going to tell you. The idea that your 20s are the best time of your life is complete and utter bullshit. It might actually be the hardest decade of your life. There, I said it. So if you just went, "Oh, an adult just told me that it's okay to feel like this is hard." Good. You're not the only one who feels that way.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, I received an email from a listener named Eliza, who describes some of the things that can go down in your 20s. Here's what she said. "Hey, Mel, I've been stuck in what feels like a downward spiral tornado for about a year. I graduated from college last year, and it felt like everything went wrong since then. Breakup, horrible friendships. I moved, took a job, and then quit. Tons of rumors and backstabbing, financial hardships, major fights with family, not knowing what I wanted to do. Basically, everything that I thought would never go wrong did."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, I just want to pause right there and say, I feel like Eliza is describing me in my 20s. And so just know that if you were nodding your head, you're not the only one. And when I read this email to our entire team, you want to know something? Every single one of our team members in their 20s, you know what they did? They started nodding their heads like, yep, that sounds about right.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And Eliza wasn't done. So let's just jump back into her email. She said, "Listening to your podcast, Mel, is the first time I haven't received that standard 'You're young. Your life is just starting. Your world is at your fingertips' speech, which is quite possibly the worst thing to hear when you feel like your world is imploding one piece at a time."
--:-- Mel Robbins: Well, I'm here to tell you, Eliza, you are not crazy. You are not alone. Your 20s, you will go through some of the hardest experiences of your life. Now, let me explain why this decade is so hard, because I think this is going to be super helpful.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your 20s are so hard because it is the first time in your life where no one is telling you what to do. Just stop and think about this for a second. There's no playbook. And all you've known from zero to 20 is someone else's playbook. The first 20 years of your life, every detail was planned for you. And it was planned for all your friends too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: In fact, you and your friends, and this is a big piece of this, from zero to 20, you and your friends were moving through life at the exact same pace in the exact same place. You went from first grade to second grade to third grade together to middle school to high school, maybe to college, then first year, then second year. You had the same milestones. You had the same way to measure your success. You had the same friend groups. You had the same routine. You were all on the same vacation schedule for crying out loud. I mean, when Spring Break hit for you, it hit for everybody else. You also always had kids in the class ahead of you to show you what was coming next. And guess what? They were following the same playbook.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Then what happens? Boom. You enter your 20s and the real world and into what I call the great scattering. That playbook that you followed from zero to 20, it disintegrates and the great scattering begins. Every single person you know scatters in different directions. Everybody is suddenly on a different timeline. They're living in different places. They're working in different jobs. They're hanging out with different people. They're achieving different milestones at different paces. And your entire frame of reference for how you're doing, how you're tracking your progress, what you're supposed to be doing today, what you're supposed to be doing next month, what you're supposed to be doing next year, gone. Zippo. Disappear. Nada.
--:-- Mel Robbins: That's why your 20s have a tremendous feeling of loss of control. There's no longer a track. There's no template. There's no timeline for what to do next. It's all up to you. And that's why all of the stupid adults that say the world is at your fingertips, you just want to take those fingertips and curl them into a fist and punch them in the face. And that is exactly why I say it might be the hardest decade of your life. There are too many options. There's no frame of reference. There's no way to track where you are or where you should go. It's all up to you and it's just so overwhelming.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You, my friend, are not crazy. You're in the great scattering. And I'm telling you that because feeling lost in your 20s amid all this change, it is normal. How could you not? How could you not feel lost? How could you not feel this sense of grief? How could you not be confused about everybody and everywhere and where everyone's going and what you should do? It is so hard for everyone, no matter how great their Instagram story looks. I'm not kidding about this. Everybody's sitting there putting out the perfect story, like they got it all together with the perfect brunch and the perfect this and the perfect that and the perfect ski suit. Everybody is panicking.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So you're not a loser. Let's just get that straight. Okay. You're in the great scattering. You will figure it out. If you look at all the adults that are older than you, most of us are complete idiots and we've figured it out. You will figure it out too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's one more thing you need to hear your friend Mel Robbins say: you have your shit together way more than you realize, and you need to start giving yourself more credit. I'm going to say that again. You have your shit together way more than you realize, and you need to start giving yourself more credit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I get it. Yes, it feels like everyone around you is excelling in every area of their lives, and you feel like you have to pretend like you're doing great. I get it. You're really struggling, and it sucks, and I want you to know you're not alone. Everyone is struggling in some area of their life. And I know both my daughters feel that way. And I definitely felt that way for my 20s. And it's okay. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to wallow a bit. It's okay to feel lost. And like you don't have your shit together because you are figuring it out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: But I want to normalize this. That's why this is the first piece of advice. That the 20s are not the best time of your life. In fact, it could be the worst because there are so many unknowns that you need to navigate right now. And it's not always rainbows and butterflies. And sometimes those unknowns, they make you cry like a lot. In fact, I cried more in my twenties than any other decade. And that's even after I got diagnosed with anxiety and put on Zoloft. Like I kept on crying.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if you're a parent listening in, please, please start validating what the 20-somethings in your life are feeling. Stop trying to fix it and just sit with them and acknowledge how hard and overwhelming it can be and remind them that they have their shit together more than they think. I mean, remember how hard your 20s were? Remember what it was like to apply to college? Or when you went through your first breakup? Or you were searching for your first job, or your friends all moved to a different city, or you were the only one who wasn't going to graduate school, or you were the one that was living at home. It sucks.
--:-- Mel Robbins: This is the decade that your loved ones need support, not a lecture, because there is so much to figure out about yourself and your friendships and your career and dating and living on your own and your money and your health and your habits. And I'm here to tell you, you will figure it out. Yes, your 20s may not be your best decade. So take the pressure off and sit tight because the other 12 things I'm going to tell you are going to help you create a master template for starting to thrive in your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and your 50s for the rest of your life.
--:-- Mel Robbins: All right, now that we got that out of the way, I'll be right back with the next piece of advice. And you better be here for this because it's about money and it's the only money advice I'm giving and it's a doozy. Stay with me.
--:-- [Transition - likely an ad break]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so glad that you're here. We are talking about the things that we wish we knew in our 20s. We've already covered one. I got 12 more. So let's jump right back into it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So let's go to the second piece of advice, because we got to talk about money next. I know it's on your mind and it's not in your pocket. So the second piece of advice is this: Stop spending your money on stupid shit. You get to choose what you spend your money on. Learn how to stop spending money on stupid shit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your generation, for example, is obsessed with skincare. But let me ask you, do you seriously need another moisturizer when you have three half used tubes at home? No, you don't. And look, I get it. It's hard, particularly for you guys. I mean, when I was your age, I had to at least get in a car and go to the store and I still wasted so much money on stupid shit. But you have a bigger problem. And this is why you have to take control of this right now.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you're in your 20s, shopping is in your face 24-7. I mean, your phone is basically the new mall. It takes three seconds for you to see an ad, click, and buy. Less than a day for it to show up at your doorstep. You have to take control of your addiction to buying things in order to make yourself feel better. Just ask yourself, has that cheap Amazon face roller really benefited your appearance?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, you're not dumb. You know that the influencer who swears by her $300 red light mask has no wrinkles because she's getting Botox, not because she's using a red light mask that she, by the way, got for free and is making a commission off of. I mean, come on. You're smarter than that. Don't give your power to the influencer machine. Stay in control of your money in your 20s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And listen, I get it. You're spending money consciously or subconsciously because you feel overwhelmed or sad or insecure or bored or stressed, which makes you feel out of control. And in that moment, you're sitting on Instagram, you see the influencer with her face mask, click. Spending money gives you a rush of dopamine and it makes you feel in control, right? Of the issue that you're trying to solve, which is what? Wrinkles? No. Boredom, sadness, loneliness, overwhelm. How are you trying to solve that? With a face roller?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Then after two uses, you wonder why you even bought it in the first place. And then what do you do? You feel more out of control and more sad and more overwhelmed and even more like a loser. And you have less money. Spending money that you do not have on the things that you do not need doesn't give you power. It makes you feel powerless.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And while I'm on a roll, stop spending money on a new workout set. It is not going to make you drop 15 pounds. Getting to the gym will. Do you really need a new wallet, guys? No. You need a new way to make money. And trust me, you do not need to purchase a new outfit for every single occasion, especially when most of you wear it once and then you never touch it again.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Stop spending money on things you do not need. I don't care if you bought it at a thrift store. You still don't need it. You are channeling your energy, desire, anxiety, and desperation to keep up with the trends and the gimmicks and the influencers into buying stupid stuff. And not only is it hurting your already slim bank account, but also trying to keep up with society's forever changing trends and high expectations is not serving you and your happiness. It is serving retailers and influencers. It is impossible to keep up, by the way.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your 20s are not the time to go broke. It's the time to learn to take control of your finances. And finances, they play a major role in your transition to adulthood. So pay attention to your money now and learn how to handle it. Instead of focusing on how much money you can earn, how about you get laser focused right now on where is all your money going?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's a trick I want you to steal from our daughter, Sawyer. Instead of clicking "click, purchase now," I want you to open up your notes app and write down the thing you wanna buy. And then let it sit in your notes app for five days. If you're still thinking about it five days later and you remember to go to your notes app to buy it, now you can make a decision as to whether or not this is something you actually need. And what Sawyer finds is that simply writing it in her notes app satisfies the feelings of desire in the moment. Again, helping you to take control instead of spending money on stupid shit.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if you're going to spend money, here's a recommendation. Spend it on things that you're actually going to remember. I personally don't remember a thing I bought in my 20s, but I had a major spending problem. I wish somebody had come to me like I'm coming to you and grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Mel, you got to stop spending." Because here's what I do remember. I had five freaking credit cards. That's how much of a spending problem I had. Because I was overwhelmed and lost and not making a lot of money in my job. So like a complete fucking moron, I soothed my emotions and made myself feel better by constantly spending money on shit with a credit card that I didn't need and couldn't afford.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so when I got married, you know what I had to disclose to my new husband at the age of 28? That I was coming into the marriage with, oops, $25,000 in credit card debt that I hadn't told him about. Oh!
--:-- Mel Robbins: So if you're gonna bother to spend your hard-earned money on something, spend it on an experience. Spend it on an investment in your well-being or in building a new skill. Like take a class or use the money to go to therapy to make yourself happier and learn more about yourself. That's something you'll remember. You got it? Good. So stop spending money on stupid shit. You're welcome.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's my third piece of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s. You have so much time. In your 20s, you're in such a hurry to figure your life out. Stop. You have time. Listen to me. No, really listen to your friend Mel Robbins. You have plenty of time to figure out your life and your career and your love life and your friend group and your gut health. You have time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You want to know why you think you don't have time? And I just want to validate something. This time pressure is way worse on today's 20-year-olds than the pressure that I felt about this when I was 20. And there are two reasons why you feel so much pressure right now.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number one, social media is warping your perception of what it takes to be successful. I mean, talk about fucking you up. You spend so much time on social media looking at influencers or TikTok stars or famous people your age that seem to have everything that you want. It's literally in your face, whether it's the bank account or the wardrobe or the BMW or the friend group or the dream body or the adorable little kids and matching outfits or the MBA from Harvard or the fancy wedding in Lake Como. What is it with everybody getting married in Lake Como right now?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Get this in your head. Because of social media, you are programmed to think that success happens overnight. I'm sorry to tell you, life doesn't work like that. Not for normal people like you and me. Start learning how to be where your feet are, not where your phone is. Success takes time and you have plenty of time. And you're also smart enough to figure out how to be successful. You have plenty of time to make the money you deserve, to grow your career, to find love, to get pregnant, to build solid friendships, to learn how to cook, to go back to graduate school, to organize your apartment so it looks like a Studio McGee shoot.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The second reason why you probably feel this pressure around time is that you're comparing yourself to your parents' timeline. I have a very different timeline than my daughter's. I was married when I was 27. I was pregnant by 29. I had Sawyer by the time I was 30. And I'm sure your parents are the same way. Maybe they met in high school. They were married by 23. Try not to be so triggered by other people's timelines. And I get it. It's hard. Why is it hard? Because you've been programmed for the first 20 years to go at the same pace and place as your friends. You're used to being in lockstep with everybody else. And in the great scattering, the timelines disappear.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Whether it's your parents or your friends or your cousins or the influencers that you see on social media, do not be triggered by their timeline because it's not your timeline. You have to learn to trust the timing of your life. I wish somebody had taught me that in my 20s. I was constantly panic-stricken about whether or not I was keeping up. Trust that things are happening for you and for a reason.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And I'll give you another example of how easy it is to try to speed up your life and tell yourself you don't have time. Getting engaged. There is so much pressure on you guys to move in with your partner, get engaged, film the engagement, put the rose petals around it like it's some fucking reality TV show, get married. I worry that you're not even giving yourself time to truly evaluate if this relationship is what you want. If it's going to serve you at this time in your life, like forget about if it's going to serve you 20 years from now. Like slow down and determine whether or not it's even the right relationship for you now. Your time is precious and you have plenty of it. So slow down. Slow down so you can figure it out.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And here's one thing you can start doing today. Whenever you feel like you're falling behind, it's so, so easy, right? Your heart starts thumping like crazy, like you've just chugged 15 things of pre-workout. Take a deep breath and tell yourself these seven words: "I trust the timing of my life." I wish I had had this. Tell yourself, "I'm on my own timeline and I trust that I'm going to figure everything out."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And one more thing that helped me a lot is every time I've been in a breakdown in my life, it helps me to say, "If the breakdown's really big, so is the amazing thing that's coming." There's a direct relationship to how you can start to panic and how amazing things are going to turn out. So trust the timing of your life because you do have time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the fourth piece of advice. Date the person, not their potential. When you're in your 20s, it is so easy to obsess over your relationships and try to make any relationship work just so you have one. Like, let's be honest with each other. You want to be in a relationship. And I have so much to say about dating and relationships in your 20s that we're going to do a whole other episode about that. So hit me up at melrobbins.com with your questions, your issues, your problems. But right now, I just want to give you the golden rule for relationships. Date the person, not their potential.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Here's what I mean by that. Stop and think. Are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are right now? Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were? If you're constantly in your mind griping about the behaviors you don't like or what you wish they would change, you're dating the potential.
--:-- Mel Robbins: For example, you can't stand that they don't exercise or that they're a drinker or a druggie or they don't surprise you with flowers or you don't like their family or they refuse to move and explore a new city or, you know, the sex, not that great. Definitely not as good as your last partner. Or your friends don't get along with them. And it drives you freaking crazy. So what do you do? You try to control and manipulate them to become the person who meets your expectations instead of letting them be themselves. That's what you need to do. You need to let them be themselves because when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens? You see who they really are.
--:-- Mel Robbins: You're so focused in your 20s on the things that you don't like or what boxes they check or don't check that you distract yourself from addressing the reality. And the reality is you're probably not with someone that you actually want to be with. But you've kept yourself busy griping about the fact that they eat like shit or their friends do this or all they want to do is watch golf or they did it. And you wish they would change. And you're so busy in your mind trying to control this that you're deluding yourself into thinking that they actually might.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Let me cut to the chase. No matter how long you wait, they're not going to change if they don't want to. All you can do is make very clear and compassionate requests about what you need and why you want to see the change. That's it. And then here's the hard part. Let them show you who they truly are. Someone's behavior, especially after you tell someone what you need, their behavior is the truest form of communication. And if you ask somebody for what you need because you realize "I've been dating the potential, so let me just ask for what I need," and then the true person shows up, you got to ask yourself the hard question: if this person never changes, is this the relationship I want?
--:-- Mel Robbins: How can I describe this with such detail? Because I was that person. And one of the reasons why I regret constantly dating people that I was trying to change is it meant that I spent my 20s in relationships the entire time. That's how insecure I was. I was constantly in a relationship. And it's a huge regret of mine because I was so focused on turning it into the thing and dating somebody's potential that I missed out on all that incredible time in my 20s with my female friends. Don't do that. You spend way too long in relationships that aren't meant for you when you date the potential instead of waking up and dating the actual person. And that's why my advice is to date the person exactly as they are instead of dating the potential of who you wish they really were.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to a really important piece of advice. It's not fair. And I'm going to tell you exactly what I mean by that when we come back. Stay with me.
--:-- [Transition - likely an ad break]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. We are going through the 13 pieces of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s. We've covered four so far. I'm on number five. We got eight more to go. And number five is really important.
--:-- Mel Robbins: It's not fair. It's not fair that your friend has a bigger salary than you or that her dad's friend got her that job. It's not fair that your friends get to golf and hang out while you are studying for the Series 7 again this Saturday. It's not fair that that chick from college goes on European vacations every summer with her family and she's got the perfect bathing suits and the perfect manicures. It's not fair. It's not fair that your roommate seemingly has the perfect family life while yours is so bad they wouldn't even put it on a reality show. It's not fair that your sister looks like that and all the men flock to her at the bars while you're sitting there on your own, buying your own drinks. Life is not fair.
--:-- Mel Robbins: No matter what life throws your way and how unfair it seems, never, and I mean never, let yourself play the victim. That's where you lose your power. Life is not fair. You're right. But sitting around wishing it was, sitting around wishing all the guys flocked to you instead of your sister, sitting around wishing it was you on those European vacations, it's not going to get you anywhere. You can't change what's happening around you. And the sooner you accept that, the freer you will feel.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So my advice is move on. You're spending so much time and energy wishing your life was different and being jealous of those who you think have it better than you. Is feeling bad for yourself and questioning "why not me?" Is it actually working?
--:-- Mel Robbins: I mean, because it's not going to stop other people from continuing to live their lives, but it's stopping you from living yours. Stop focusing on what you think is fair and trust where your life is leading you. And don't ever forget that what happens in a few days, and often even in a single moment, can change the course of your entire lifetime.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the sixth piece of advice that I wish somebody had told me in my 20s: Define your career wins, not by the quantity of your paycheck, but by the quality of your circle. Here's what I mean by that. I think in your 20s, you spend so much time looking down at your bank account. Start looking up at the awesome people that are around you. You're broke, which is why you're focused on money. I get it. But I want you to focus on the skill that makes you money. And that skill is learning how to talk to people. Learn how to talk to absolutely everyone. And that means you've got to learn how to get out of your comfort zone in your 20s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to focus your time and energy on creating meaningful connections in your 20s. God, I wish somebody had taught me this. Because every time you build a relationship with someone who is working on something really interesting or holds a job you could see yourself in, heck, someone cool that you meet at the grocery store or the person next to you at the nail salon or the woman wearing that awesome outfit on the subway. There are so many people around you, and a single conversation could potentially help you in your job or in your life. So view each and every human being that you talk to as a win.
--:-- Mel Robbins: People will get you further in your career than any single paying job on your resume ever will. Because your title, your bonus, your salary, your yearly raise does not mean shit in the long run, but your connections do. They are equivalent to how much your worth is in the business world. And your connections are everything, and they are everywhere. Everywhere. Don't tell me you don't have a network, because your network is created by all the conversations you're willing to have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Plus, let's be real. Money doesn't come from money. Money comes from people. It's people who give you job offers and loans and promotions and connections and hookups. Every opportunity to make money comes from another human being. I want you to think about this as a daily practice for the rest of your life. And by God, I wish I knew this in my 20s. I challenge you to talk to one new person every single day and go beyond the hello. And here's how you do it. Because I know in your twenties, you can be a little insecure or shy about talking to strangers. So this is a simple way to practice this. Just compliment someone's nails or their shoes. People light up when you notice them and you say, "Hey, I love your nails." You will love that technique.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Or if you're standing in line, just turn to the person behind you and say, "What's good to order here?" If you're sitting next to someone on the train and they're reading a book, just turn and ask them, "Hey, I've been looking for a good book to read. Would you recommend that one? Why do you like it?" If you start to do this every single day, you're going to get better and better and better at connecting with people. And guess what happens? Your circle organically grows. And this isn't just about you. Once you start doing this, you'll realize how helpful you can be for other people. And in return, you're going to gain a sense of purpose and confidence, and it's going to boost your mood. You don't even realize how much you have to offer. And the more interested you seem in other people, both inside work and outside of work, the more opportunity will flow back to you. That's it. Learn to talk to other people and the quality of the people around you will increase.
--:-- Mel Robbins: The seventh thing I wish I knew in my 20s: Do not be a dick. You underestimate how much currency you have if you're a good person. So stop talking shit about your friends behind their back. Stop eyeing down the girl who hooked up with your ex at the bar. Stop leaving all your dirty dishes in the sink for your roommates to take care of. Instead, go above and beyond to make other people feel appreciated and seen. Start sincerely thanking the woman who hands you your coffee every day at Starbucks. Start holding the door open for people and do it gladly. Start smiling at everybody who walks by you in the street. And if you had those periods in your past where you were the bully or you were the toxic friend — hello, Mel Robbins — it's never too late to apologize. In my experience, and I've done a lot of apologizing for the shit I did in my 20s, 95% of the time, people are so forgiving. Don't be a dick.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number eight. Now, this is a piece of advice that will create more opportunity in your life than anything else I have said today. You don't get to want something if you don't have the balls to ask for it. You have to ask for what you need. You think your roommates and friends and partners can just read your mind? They can't, just like you can't read theirs. And yet here you are, angry that they're not picking up on what you need. You're angry that they aren't doing the dishes or cleaning up after themselves or stealing your food because they forgot to buy groceries, or their boyfriend or girlfriend is hanging out in the apartment too much. How do they not know that they are invading your space? Newsflash: passive aggressive texts that you're sending or the inability to say to their face what is annoying you doesn't cut it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this applies to everything. If you want your significant other to stop chewing nicotine gum, you don't get to want it unless you ask for it. If you want your friends to stop screaming and blasting music when they come home from the bars, you don't get to want it unless you ask for it. You're going to waste your entire 20s wishing and wanting people would change, that they could read your mind, and wishing people would treat you differently and wishing people would do certain things for you. And you get all pissed off and resentful when they don't. Learn in your 20s that you don't get to want it unless you're willing to ask for it. Communication is everything. And no, a drunk conversation doesn't count. Although that's a good try.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to really hear this. The moment you open your mouth and you ask for what you want, like an adult, you're going to feel more in control whether you get what you want or not. Because all that brooding and wishing that you do internally, it's tearing you apart. It makes you feel less in control.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the next thing, the ninth piece of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s. And it's this: A rock solid morning routine is the fastest way to take control of your life. Why? You need structure to your day. How you set the day up is how it ends up. I mean, think about those mornings that you wake up hungover. Oh, you hit the snooze button 11 times. You skip the workout class and breakfast. And then you have the audacity to wonder why you have the shakes and a panic attack and the sweats as you're chugging coffee while you're walking to work. I mean, I can laugh at it now, but that was me in my 20s. I would literally walk into the courthouse as a young lawyer smoking my third Marlboro Light, washing it down with a large Dunkin' Donuts. My stomach is in knots. I'm ready to puke. And I'm like, "I think I have anxiety." No, woman, you have a shitty morning routine.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if we can level with each other, you don't have a consistent morning routine right now, do you? Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself, more importantly. But if you reclaim that time in the morning for yourself, before your boss, before your roommates, before social media, you're going to feel amazing. And if you don't know where to start, your friend Mel Robbins has got you covered. Here are five things proven by research that you can do in less than 20 minutes. You can do them hungover to make you feel more energized, more confident, and a little less anxious today. Here they are. You ready?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number one: Just get up when the alarm rings. That's it. That's it. The alarm rings, don't be laying there. Don't hit the snooze button. Don't let the anxiety consume you. Don't spend 20 minutes going over in your mind what you wish you would have said at the bar last night. Nope. Alarm rings. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Get up.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Second: As soon as you can, get outside and get five minutes of sunlight, or just light in your eyes, as soon as you wake up. The research shows that it jumpstarts your circadian rhythm. It helps you sleep. It is so good for you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Next: Once your butt's outside, take a walk. Walk for 10 minutes. And here's the catch. I don't want you to listen to music. I don't want you to listen to a podcast. I just want you to walk, think freely, clear your head. Based on the research, just a 10-minute walk outside first thing in the morning boosts your mood, wakes you up, makes you more clear-headed. It is so good for your health.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Next, number four: Drink a glass of water before you chug a cup of coffee. Because coffee on an empty stomach spikes your cortisol levels. I don't care if it's got oat milk or almond milk or anything else in it. It's making you anxious. Okay, so stop. Drink the water before you drink the coffee.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And the final thing: Have some kind of mindfulness practice. And the fastest thing to do is journaling. Just pick up a blank notebook and try some sort of journaling practice. Gratitude journal, morning pages, bullet journals, or just write down one thing that you truly want to happen in your life. Allow that possibility to flow through you. It is time to create a solid morning routine. Get up when the alarm rings, get your butt outside into the bright light, take a 10 minute walk, chug your water before you chug your coffee, and start a journaling practice. You do those five things 80% of the mornings in a week, you, my friend, are going to feel back in control and more like yourself in no time.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Number 10. This is what I wish somebody told me in my 20s. It is relevant for every stage of life. It is gold. You ready? Get serious about who you're hanging out with. I want you to look at the five people that you spend the most time with. Really look at them. Not like creepy look at them, but you know, like really examine. What are their habits? Are the five people that you spend the most time with, are they healthy? Are they driven? Do they have goals? How do they treat you? How do they make you feel? And this is the biggest test: Can you actually open up and be yourself with them? Or have they just been your friends forever?
--:-- Mel Robbins: Because in your 20s, it is so important that you surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you. I mean, life is hard enough. You need the people that you spend the time with to lift you up, to help you work on what you want. And it is okay to lose friends and to grow apart in your 20s. In fact, it's normal and it happens more in this decade than any other decade of your life. Why? Because you're in the great scattering. Everybody's going all over the place. And a friend breakup, it can be good for you and good for them too.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So this is a really important moment in your life to stop gripping so tightly onto the people that you've always known because you're such a people pleaser and your ego can't have one single person dislike you or say a horrible thing about you. So you like constantly, you're like gripping onto the wrong people and you're trying to manage what they think about you and you're kind of clingy and annoying and insecure and you're constantly stalking people. And so I can stop. You're no longer in high school or in Kappa Kappa Booyah sorority. So just freaking stop. You get to pick who you spend time with and it matters.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this goes way beyond friends. Starting in your 20s, you spend more time with your co-workers than your families and friends combined. And you will start to see your friends less and less. So think about that. Don't stick around a job where you don't connect or vibe or feel like you belong. You're working more than 40 hours a week with these people. Work with people you admire, who treat you well, who treat you like a human being, who respect your time off, who motivate you to be yourself, who are challenging you to grow. Just like with everything in life and every situation you find yourself in, whether it's your job, the city you live in, the party you're at, the small college town, it's always all about the people.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So in your 20s, surround yourself with people who lift you up, who make you feel like yourself, who bring out the best in you, because life is always about the people. It always has been, and it always will be. And you are way more in control of this than you think.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to a really important piece of advice that, my God, I wish somebody — if somebody could have like injected advice into my head and just like kind of programmed it there, wouldn't that be awesome? That you could just wake up and be like, "Oh, okay, I now know this as a truth and I operate this way." This is advice number 11: Be your own person. And here's a fast way to do it. Be your own person. Stop pretending you like things that you don't.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you know what? I have no business giving you this advice because in my 20s, I was one of those chicks that basically morphed into the same person as my boyfriend. Everything my boyfriend liked, I'm like, "Ooh, I like that too. I like that too." If my new boyfriend liked rap music, boom, so did I. If he was into the Grateful Dead, I'm like, "Pass me the bong, baby." If he was obsessed with fly fishing, I would lie and I would say I was obsessed with fly fishing too. In fact, when I was 26 years old and I was on my first date with my now husband, Chris, he said he liked to fly fish. You know what I did? Enter Mel Robbins. Oh, I lied. I told him not just that I like fly fish. Oh, I had to go deep, everybody. I told him I'd grown up fly fishing with my dad. Now, I had grown up fishing, but that's different than fly fishing. You know what I'm saying? And three months later, that lie came back to bite me in the ass because we went to go visit his best friend who, get this, happens to be a fucking fly fishing instructor. I mean, kill me now. Big shout out to Jeff Klausman.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Y'all say that you want to live authentically. Well, learn to be your own person. Stop saying you like things that you don't. Stop saying you've done things that you never have. Stop doing things just because everybody else is. Learn to make your own choices. If you don't want to go see the baseball game, don't go. Don't go because your friend has tickets. You don't like it, so don't go. If you don't want to go to brunch, then don't. If you don't like skiing, then sit in the lodge with a book. If you don't want to drink today, then don't. No one gives a shit what's in your glass but you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And drinking is a huge part of the culture in your 20s. It kind of feels like this gigantic continuation on from college. And it feels like when you're partying, you're somehow succeeding in your 20s. There's so much pressure to go out to the bars on the weekends, let alone the weeknights, with your friends. And here's something you may not realize: You have a choice to drink or not, regardless of what everybody else is doing. You can go to a bar and order a non-alcoholic beer. You can go to a bar and ask for a club soda in a wine glass. And if you do want to drink, then do it. But stop pressuring everyone else to go out with you and to drink with you. Find the courage to do your own thing in your 20s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And this may sound weird, but you may not even know who you really are because you've spent so long just following the playbook of the pack. The greatest gift that you could give yourself in your 20s is to take the time to find out who you really are. Now, here's the challenging part. The fastest way to figure out what you like and who you are as a person is by doing things by yourself. Because then you don't have the pressure of managing the person with you and whether or not they like the thing that you're doing. Go out to dinner alone, bring your Kindle. Take yourself to a movie alone. Explore your interests alone. Sign up for that improv class or that painting class without bringing a friend. Try doing things alone to find out what you really love. Go to that CrossFit class. Go to that yoga teacher training alone. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of every relationship that you have. And learning to be alone with yourself and feeling completely comfortable with that, it's a huge part of becoming your own person.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the 12th piece of advice. And boy, oh boy, this took me way too long to learn. Like this one, I didn't learn until late in my 40s. If I had learned this 20 years before, oh my God. You ready? You are not in competition with anyone. And this is not what social media is telling you, but it is the truth about life. You are not in competition with anyone. Success, happiness, friendship. It is in limitless supply. There's enough love, enough friendship, enough support, enough happiness, enough success for every single human being on the planet. Why do you feel like you're in competition with all your friends or competing with your partner for that matter? You know your path is separate from your partner and your friends, even if it feels like you guys are like intertwined right now.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you're working at a restaurant and your friend wants to apply there, they're not taking something from you. If your high school friends start hanging out with your college friends, that's not a threat to you. You're in the great scattering and everybody is going at different paces and different places and different timelines. You got to trust where your life is going and stop gripping and competing. You are only in competition with yourself. It's you against you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And when I was in my 20s, oh my god, was I a piece of shit. If my roommate got a raise, oh, then I gotta get a raise or else I'm a failure. And you want to know something even more fucked up? If my roommate got a raise or all of a sudden was in a new relationship, I literally looked like they were stealing something from me. As if there was only like one raise or one person that gets to be in a relationship. And when you look at life that way, you will always feel like you're failing, not only in your 20s, but at life. And that's how I looked at it, particularly with money. I was so fucking broke. I looked at anyone making more money than me and I was like, "That's it. All the money's gone." Even though they're working at an investment bank and I'm a freaking public defender, barely able to pay for groceries, their promotion at that investment bank just took away my chance of making an extra dollar. So fuck you.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Now, seriously, that is how just puny and disgusting and shitty of a person I was. And the only person you're in competition with is your own shitty self. And by shitty self, I mean the part of you that speaks to you in a shitty way. And when you're sitting there telling yourself because your friend just got engaged, that somehow means that you're never going to get engaged, that's the shitty you talking. And instead of beating yourself down when somebody else has a win, you got to do the opposite. It is so hard, but you got to do the opposite. Instead of picking up a bat and bashing yourself in the head, grab your freaking pom-poms and celebrate everybody's wins. Why? Why?
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you got to learn how to do this even when inside you're jealous and you're like, "When am I going to get pregnant? When am I going to buy a house? When am I going to figure out my fucking life?" You got to grab those pom-poms. Let me tell you why. Because when you pick up those pom-poms and you cheer for your friends, you are demonstrating that you know your win is coming too. You are demonstrating that you celebrate other people. And I promise you, it shifts the energy and the timeline of your life. And the more that you pick up those pom-poms and the more that you celebrate everybody else, the faster it will come back to you. And this is a huge takeaway in your 20s. You're not in competition with anyone else. It is you against you. So stop focusing on "why is this happening" and say, "If I'm willing to keep working for it, eventually it's going to happen for me." And you might even add in, "And if things really fucking suck right now, boy is a massive win coming my way."
--:-- Mel Robbins: And that brings me to the final piece of advice, number 13. And this is number 13, lucky, not unlucky number. You ready? This is the most important one. I saved it for last. I wish someone had told me in my 20s: Mel, take the biggest fucking risks of your entire life right now. Remember, you have time. And in your 20s, you can get so scared and you can be so easily lulled into the idea that good is good enough, that feeling safe and comfortable is what you should always be looking for. That way of thinking in your 20s in particular? Dead fucking wrong.
--:-- Mel Robbins: I want you to start to create this mindset of taking risks and going big because the only constant in your life for the rest of your life is change. Remember, what are the 20s? The great scattering. There's no guardrails. There's no playbook. There is no consistency here. There is nothing but change, which is why you're overwhelmed. And you're feeling it already, aren't you? All of a sudden, your roommates, they're going to move on to other cities. They're going to move in with their boyfriends or their girlfriends or go to graduate school or get engaged. They're going to take a trip around the world. And you, you're going to be completely spun around when they scatter if you haven't taken the time to figure out what big moves you want to make.
--:-- Mel Robbins: So do not get yourself in a situation like I did, where the changes that you're making are triggered by what your friends are doing. Plan your life. Get started now. Be the one in your friend group that is the one who makes the big move first. Do something big. I know that there is something inside of you that you have always wanted to do. Always. And if you're sitting there saying to yourself, "Mel, I can't think of anything," yes, you can. Just look at who you're jealous of. Is it a trip that they went on or a company they started or an idea that they have or the fact that they're taking their health super seriously or a book that they wrote? Start there.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Your 20s is the time to figure out that yes, you can make big things happen because there is literally no better time than now. Just like that viral saying: when the girl's trip finally makes it out of the group chat, it is time for your dreams to finally leave the group chat and your brain and come to life. Why? Because you don't figure out your life by watching it. You figure out your life by living it. And I wish someone had told me to quit my job and figure out how to backpack around the world. And what would have my response been? "I don't have the money for that." You're right. I didn't, but I could have figured out how to do it. I wouldn't even let myself do that. And God, not taking a year to backpack and work my way around the world in my 20s, it is one of the biggest life regrets that I have.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And some of you, you might be sitting here listening to me right now and you've got this thing, this big thing. "I want to move, I want to do this, I want to do that." But then what comes up? All the excuses in your head as to why you can't make it happen. Just like I did. Do not let that rob you of the life you could be leading. If you have a big risk in mind, but you stop yourself from doing it, here's my advice. Just don't be an extremist. Shrink it. How about you do a mini version of it? And here's what I mean by that.
--:-- Mel Robbins: If you want to hike the Appalachian Trail, that is such a cool thing to do end to end, right? But you're scared about your fitness level, or maybe you don't have the time and the money to do it, or camping alone for that long scares you. No problem. Instead of going on the girl's trip to Charleston, how about you take that time to just do a portion of the Appalachian Trail for five nights alone. Or you've always wanted to work on a farm in New Zealand or Switzerland, but it's too scary to quit your job at the moment and make it happen. No problem. Stop making excuses. Use your paid time off to volunteer at a farm here. Just try it out. You want to build a journal business? Great. Well, how about you sign up for a free Canva subscription and you start tooling around with the designs rather than thinking about it every weekend while you're out at the bars drinking with your friends. Make little wins come true because they add up to bigger dreams.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And if you can't think of something, let your friend Mel give you the biggest, boldest move you could make right now. Live somewhere in your 20s you've never lived. Move. In your 20s, move. You can always move back. Plus, you live in a remote world now. Anything is possible. A big move doesn't have to be forever. But what happens when you move in your 20s is it changes you forever. Because moving opens you up to adventure and opportunity. It proves to yourself that you can create an amazing life anywhere that you are. In your 20s, it is time to get out of Dodge because no growth comes from being comfortable.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And you know what else happens when you take big risks? You grow. You grow into the person that you're meant to become. And when you grow, you can't help but create a beautiful life. And you are creating a beautiful life right now. You know how I know that? The fact that you took the time to listen to me today. Whether you clicked on it yourself or somebody that you love sent this to you and was like, "I love this lady. You got to listen to this lady, Mel Robbins." And you spent the time listening to this. You know what that tells me? It tells me that yes, you can take control of your 20s and it proves that you want to.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And so, just to recap, here are the 13 things I wish I knew in my 20s. Number one: The idea that the 20s are the time of your life is complete bullshit. It might actually be one of the hardest decades of your life, so give yourself more grace. Two: Stop spending money on stupid shit. Three: You have so much time. Four: Date the person, not the potential. Five: It's not fair. Six: Define what a win looks like by the quality of your circle, not the quantity in your paycheck. Seven: Don't be a dick. Eight: You don't get to want it if you don't ask for it. Nine: Get serious about who you're hanging out with. Ten: Create a rock-solid morning routine. Eleven: Be your own person. Stop pretending you like things that you don't. Twelve: You're not in competition with anyone. So start cheering for everyone, including yourself. And finally: Take big risks in your 20s.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And yes, you're going to have those days when you see people get engaged or promoted or buy that car. And then the next day you're sobbing because you feel like it's never going to be you. It's okay. It's okay. I've been there too. And I promise you it's part of life, those ups and downs. It's just not fair, but you can ride the wave. And I'm going to promise you something else. Your day is coming. Your timeline is your own and you are going to figure it out. Please give yourself more fucking credit because you deserve it, and start trusting the timing of your life. If you want something, work for it. If you need something, ask for it.
--:-- Mel Robbins: And before I go, I want to tell you something, especially if nobody else tells you this and especially if you're beating yourself up right now. I want to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to not only pull yourself up by the bootstraps, dust yourself off, and start thriving in your 20s and riding this wave and doing the things that you need to do, like taking the big risks and moving and surrounding yourself with people that lift you up. Why? Because you have the ability to create the best fricking life ever, even in your 20s. Alrighty, now go do it.
--:-- [Sound of Mel taking a breath, shifting gears]
--:-- Mel Robbins: Okay, you ready? Okay, here we go. Jesse, can you look in my eyeball? I'm sorry. I think I have something in it. Talk about unhinged. That is Mel Robbins today. And when I look back — okay, let me start all over. I'm sorry, you guys. I am like, whoo! Lack of sleep, Mel. Okay, here we go. Okay, let's start from the top. I'm getting there. I'm getting there, everybody. And by the way, these are all — okay, hold on a second. I'm doing the byway. I'm filling up too much with my words. I probably would not look back on my third... Oh my God. Boy, my armpits stink. Having one of those days where I'm like, dang, I don't know what I am detoxing. Great job, team.
--:-- Mel Robbins: Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write, and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
